NEW VIDEO: I Quit MMOs and THIS Happened
BooksandTrees
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Posts posted by BooksandTrees
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6 hours ago, Pochatok said:
I hear you! It took me years, too, to arrive at a point of relative calm when I am targeted, and while I no longer react with defensiveness, it's hard to respond with anything else. I tend to shut down and lock up in anxiety.
We're doing our best. I doubt I will ever reach a point where past wounds don't show up, but I am moving towards a place where I can be more at peace with my trauma and take better care of myself when it shows up.
Glad you're moving along with your book!
Thank you! I appreciate it. I think I'm just having issues going on power trips during periods of anger and losing sight of the big picture. I'm gonna keep working on it.
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On 11/20/2023 at 2:30 AM, GrainSiloEnthusiast said:
I spilled my guts about this on the Discord server and the one person who responded told me I was obsessing too much and to just "stop worrying about it so much"
So that was worse than nothing kinda wish I never even said anything!Even people in recovery for this addiction don't take it seriously 🙄 how am I ever supposed to have real conversations about this, how am I ever supposed to feel supported?
I feel more supported recovering from this in NA where most of them don't understand it and even play games but know it's important to me so they take it seriously anyway.
I honestly think the discord for this community is toxic. It's too volatile of an environment to properly write out our emotions and sit with them. I did not enjoy it on there.
Sorry that you dealt with that.
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I've made a lot of progress with my book. More for overall plot than writing in general, but I feel good about it.
I'm a stressed and overwhelmed with the repairs we've had to make on our house with a faulty heating system installation. I think we've fixed it, but it took several weeks.
I think everyone goes through disagreements with people. My main goal is to have a good life with my wife and future son. So at the end of the day, that's more important than a stupid disagreement. I'll put pride aside and do my best to move forward.
It's just hard for me since I've gone through so much difficulty getting abused and walked on. So even the smallest things that could potentially target me make me angry and defensive as hell. So I'm working on separating those previous emotions and being in the present do I don't overreact ever. It's really tough but I'm trying and finding success. My wife and therapist have been helpful with that.
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6 hours ago, GrainSiloEnthusiast said:
Oh no, @BooksandTrees! I must have used confusing wording.
I don't want to delete my diary, I just want to change the title completely. However I've noticed I have a few consistent readers and I wouldn't want them to get lost, I know I am easily confused so that's something I hold in consideration for other people.
Thank you for the information though, I really appreciate the time you took to write all of that out for me!! 🥰
Oh ok good! I may have read it wrong lol. I'm glad you're keeping it though.
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Yeah just keep posting in this thread and every post can be your entry. Look at some of the others but make it work for you but don't feel like you need to have a specific type. It's good so you and others can see your progress and learn about you.
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I see on the website you have multiple journals. Why not keep them in one thread so you can see your time-line?
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Good luck. You can ask cam to give you moderation tools on your diary if you want control over locking it.
I once considered deleting my diary and almost did. I was ashamed of how much I swore and my emotional outbursts in the first two years of my recovery. I'd write paragraphs about how much I hate something and felt I looked like an incel. But I realize it's part of the process. I think it's important that I keep that public because I think people in recovery should know that even though this isn't heroin or other drugs, some months are going to be absolute hell and you have to face it.
I like that my diary shows how much my emotions have settled down. So I kept it.
But I understand wanting to one day delete it. Do what feels best to you. Cam will recommend you download it for your private reading in the future before deleting. I think that's a good idea too.
Good luck
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Welcome back. Take this slow and just be a great friend to yourself. You've got this. Keep searching for what gaming is bringing you that isn't being brought to you from your work, schooling, friends, family, love, etc.
It's hard to find but once you find it you'll feel like it's obvious. It just clicks. Keep fighting for yourself.
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I followed my advice and didn't write until the weekend. I wrote almost a full chapter today and feel great. I'm glad I was patient.
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23 hours ago, FDRx7 said:
I'm feeling the same way lately. Sitting down with a good book has been my go-to activity in the evening.
I think it's just this pressure we're putting on ourselves from the desire to do something we're interested in, but conflicted by the rest or clear mindset we need. Some people can brute force through it but I think that's more necessary if it's an important task like work or chores or school. If it's a hobby meant for enjoyment I don't think it should be forced.
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I keep feeling pressure to write after work but I think it's important to clear my mind after work since I do mostly critical thinking. It makes no sense to immediately start writing and being on another screen.
I also feel pressure to write after dinner. I don't like writing or doing creative hobbies after dinner. I kind of just want to spend time with my family since I never had anyone do that with me growing up. I'm starting to prefer doing creative hobbies on weekends only and either doing passive hobbies like reading, yoga, exercise, board games, TV and music after work on weekdays. I think this helps achieve balance.
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10 hours ago, Pochatok said:
Before responding, I just want to say that your words on rest have resonated with me a lot.
Having just come back from a 5-day trip with a person I love so, so much. It was a great time, and also a time of ignoring my inner calls to rest. Now I am feeling resentment towards them, and that's so hard to deal with. It feels although I ate too much chocolate (and it all was so good!) and now feel sick just thinking about it. Frustrating place to be in, but I'm learning and hope that the resentment will settle down.
Now yes, I have been becoming better at taking care of myself, and asking for help, and not keeping it all inside. I appreciate your support and encouragement, it helps me prioritize this more 💛
It's important to rest. It's also important to forgive yourself. Keep up the good work and allow yourself some levity. You're welcome and thank you for your support as well. Just take some small steps here and there this week to get that rest.
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This week went well at work. Got a lot done. I've been a little restless and tired after work due to boredom. I think the shorter days and longer nights make me not want to do as much.
I think it will take more effort to do things that came so easily for the next few months.
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I finally wrote a chapter of my book today. I haven't written in almost 2 months. I feel so relieved. The pressure to write was percolating inside of me and I had to constantly face the negative voices in my head saying I was a failure and wasting time.
I thought about it for weeks, as you've seen in my posts, and realized how tired I was and that it's healthy and ok to be bored and tired and sometimes lazy. After weeks of healing, I spent 3 hours writing. I feel much better now. I might even write more this week.
I took today off of work because I haven't had a random day off in months. I'm tired and work and life have been busy. I decided to focus on my hygiene and mental health for the morning and went out of my way to shave, do extra flossing, groom a bit, and try to take care of myself. I feel very calm and happy afterwards because I sometimes go weeks without shaving when I'm feeling depressed or low energy.
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2 hours ago, lord8266 said:
You are a hero. I wonder if gamers became gamers because they were meant to something great like you but got stuck. I believe all those toxic gamers have the potential to become you. Just that they are putting their talent in the wrong place
Thank you so much for the kind words! I think games are a very convenient means of developing a skill set and expressing passion. I think that's why some people are amazing at them and why people can be toxic.
It makes me know, not just believe, but know, that everyone has the potential to do something great. It might not even seem great to that person, but in the eyes of others it could be even greater.
That's why I urge people on here and in recovery to just remain patient, allow themselves time, space, and resources to heal, and when the moment strikes for creative action, let it strike. And then roll with the ebbs and flows because the creativity won't always be there.
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I made a major breakthrough today regarding my emotions and behavior. I make the same complaints about being unhappy how I can't do creative hobbies for hours.
It's just because I don't feel like being engaged in an activity. That's it.
I don't need to overthink this anymore. I am mentally engaged at work all of the time and outside of work with family things. If I don't feel like writing, drawing, or creating things, it's because I need a break. I'm just not in the mood to continue being engaged in thought.
Nothing is wrong with me. Just a sign that I need to rest.
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18 hours ago, Ikar said:
26th Oct - 1st Nov:
I finished the (new) outline for the thesis and worked on some formalities of officially submitting it. Spent a few hours on it this week, but I know I'll have to spend more to finish it. I have two months to get it done.
I attended my girlfriend's graduation ceremony and met her family there. She was moved, as one of her friends showed up, despite the fact that they have a complicated relationship. I'm happy to have such a smart and pretty girlfriend 😄
The second exchange with the Finnish students finished as well. We went for a hike on Saturday. It was a nice visit overall, but I told my girlfriend that I'm too old and settled to co-organize these events and perhaps to even attend them (as if on holiday).
My girlfriend and I also watched the final matches of the 2023 Rugby Championship. The final was quite intense, but the team I rooted for won in the end 😄
I've been reading the entrepreneurial book and absorbed many ideas and opened many tabs in my browser, so today I decided to just go through some of them instead of reading. I need to make time to put the ideas into practice!
Great job on the outline and it seems like your relationship is going really well. Great to see.
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19 hours ago, Ikar said:
I guess it comes with spending years upon years of trying to be the best and never letting it rest. I'm always almost right when I say to myself that I just need to do nothing and I never regret it. If our gaming success was calculated as (time spent on task) x (intelligence), we still missed the important ingredient of multiplying it by (planning).
Addicts have 0 in planning, as they have no sense of alternative. A kudos to every streamer/gamer who just eventually shrugged, scratched their head and said: "Eh, I don't have enough fun doing this." or "I don't make enough money streaming to make it worthwhile." But that's real (self)knowledge there and not just the pure ego that we had.
It turns out that planning can really make a big difference; even if we do/train something for an hour a week, it's normally almost infinitely times more than the average (rather median) person, so we can be pretty decent at it. So it's OK if you've done your share of writing, drumming or lego building for the week, as the only thing really need to look after is your well-being.
I agree completely. I always look back on it feeling like it's ok and at least I have a plan that I'm progressing.
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I'll reply soon but I wanted to write that I watched a movie with my wife tonight that I haven't watched since I was a kid. I used to watch it at least once a month with my dad. We had a bad father son relationship growing up that is healed now. Sometimes life was tough but we could put things aside for a couple hours and watch the movie. I finally watched the movie tonight knowing that my life was going to be ok after the movie ended and I could be happy. I could finally let my guard down.
I don't think anyone but me could understand the specific feeling but I hope you can all relate to the fact that life can change and you can have a better life. Sometimes it just takes time. And when it does change, not everyone will understand the way you do. They'll recognize it, but that's when you know that you can let go. That's when you know you can appreciate yourself and let your inner child know that everything is going to be OK. And that you never quit on yourself, even when life got unbearable. That's love. Love yourself. I love myself and life is OK. I'm grateful for my life every day now. And my relationship with my dad has never been better.
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5 hours ago, Amphibian220 said:
Week 5 and 6
Our basketball training has been cancelled for the last several weeks and my morale went down.
I could not focus on work very well and took some days off.
i got out in the rain a few times and had a good solo basketball session. Hope to pass the exams in January.
Good luck on exams. I found that even solo sports practice just helps a ton with clearing my mind and feeling better. Good job getting out there and shooting hoops.
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17 hours ago, Pochatok said:
You're so kind, I appreciate your empathy and care!
I certainly dramatized that experience. It does feel like watching a dam break, but while on the board a ship capable of sailing through those waters. I am certainly not running, but do have a tendency to let the water carry me, rather than choose where I move.
Therapy has not been accessible for some time, and I've been managing pretty well on my own, and with the help of friends. I do plan on resuming- last couple of weeks have been peaking my stress levels, and I want to find more sustainable ways of living.I am sorry that you've had similar experiences, and am glad that you've found a way to work through them 💖
Thank you and no worries. Just make sure you're not taking this all on your own. It's really important to take steps for getting help and strategies to deal with stress. I think it's very important for success.
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33 minutes ago, Pochatok said:
My struggle isn't even to "create/crave content", but to sit and just be okay with my thoughts as they are. Today while baking, I've experienced some of the most intense stress in the last ten days-ish, and it was simply from me thinking through things that have been happening- as if I naturally dive into distressing thoughts.
For me, always remaining present/active/intentional in some way is key to maintaining a manageable level of stress. Otherwise, it feels like watching a dam break: it's overwhelming and inevitable and there is nothing I can do but run... Not my favorite place to be ✨
Sorry you had to deal with that. Are you currently going to therapy or discussed any medication with your doctor? I used to struggle with inability to stop ruminating on things that I dwell on. Medication and therapy really helped. If you are seeing one, have they given you any strategies to dispel these thoughts in a healthy way? Running should never be a long term option. Eventually you will want to be able to have control to push thoughts aside that are meaningless long term or be able to deal with them one at a time. Etc.
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2 hours ago, FDRx7 said:
Begin getting ready for bed before you sit down to read. Be in bed by 11. This should include your time for journaling. Push back the time as needed. Can always do an internet block on your phone around 10pm with Freedom to keep from browsing. Weekends can have a bit more leeway. Begin to wean off of reading so that you get your body used to just getting in bed and going to sleep. May need to set a time limit on reading.
It's gonna come with time. My wife and I go upstairs at 930 and brush teeth and watch asmr til about 1030 and sleep til 630. Just keep experimenting.
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3 hours ago, FDRx7 said:
I found myself nodding along as I read your entry. I'm struggling with this and even wrote a note to myself in my "fill the void" plan to be okay with just chilling. Sometimes I feel this pressure to be "productive" with my hobbies and that doesn't necessarily make them restorative. It can be better to go with the flow and listen to what your body needs for recovery.
Sorry you're struggling with this also but I'm glad you found it relatable. I think games, apps, and society make us feel the need to always produce or crave content. It's just not natural. We need to heal sometimes.
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Dear Diary...
in Daily Journals
Posted
Yes! Getting there 🙂 it's crazy to believe I went from a single, video game addicted person to a husband and future father lol. Thank you.