NEW VIDEO: I Quit MMOs and THIS Happened
BooksandTrees
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Posts posted by BooksandTrees
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4 hours ago, Phoenixking said:
Holy shit dude. You're onto something here. It's scary how much his applies to me.
I'm really happy to hear you're spending some time healing and making conscious moves to get into a better environment. Good job, man!
And congrats on being clean for over 9 weeks!!!
Thank you. I think we all have these issues and it's just important to think about them and see why we submit to our vices.
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I'm now over 9 weeks free from quitting video games. I took the next step in my life by moving back home with my mom. Most people would view this as a negative as I've given up my "independence" but this is important for me. I really miss being in a loving home. I really miss having someone to talk to. I felt so isolated in my other apartment because people there just played video games. Nobody ever spoke to me about their day, or hobbies, or life. And certainly nobody really asked me how I was doing. It was just a "hi" or "sup". That doesn't cover it. This goes back into my post from months ago stating I wasn't happy with most of my friends in life because they put no effort into me. My mom is special to me because she's always there for me. I need that right now. I'm vulnerable and spiritually weak I'd say. I feel so tired and just want a damn hug and some attention. I'm tired of being and feeling alone. I'm at the point now where if you want my attention in life, you give me attention first and prove to me you're not a selfish idiot.
I'm now on vacation and will be spending this time to heal. I want to build some good habits by sleeping and waking at the right time, and then I want to work on hobbies slowly and get chores done as well. My future is going to change and I want it to change for the good. I'm tired of living my life in a sad way and I'm tired of being surrounded by cheap friends and acquaintances. I've learned a lot over the past few months who my real friends are.
I made a big step with Fawn tonight discussing my porn addiction. It seems to me that I turn to porn as a mechanism to simulate love and finding love. Men are programmed to search for a mate, reproduce, and care for their mate in life. Porn takes away most of that. It just lets you "search" for a mate in the search bar, then watch scenes, and then it's over. No love, no romance, no relationship. It's lonely. that's why we get depressed when we watch porn. There's nothing deep about it at all. I found that I had cravings to watch porn when I wasn't sexually aroused or interested at all. This made me realize I just wanted emotion, attention, love, and companionship. When you're lonely and anxious, porn is just that thing that helps simulate something. I'm not ashamed anymore. I just know that is the reason I've been watching.
Matt
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6 hours ago, Ironfly said:
Belief 1: My feelings are inherently irrelevant and shameful, devoid of worth.
Belief 2: If my feelings are irrelevant and shameful, then I myself must also be inherently irrelevant and shameful, devoid of worth. (because your feelings are you, they are what make you you).
Today I related to this by:
I havent been honest to myself. I relapsed in porn and gaming this weekend. i didn't think i would. I have to be honest to myself. I have no willpower, almost none. This is my life. I cant change it in one day. I have to start over and over and over again, until my dying breath. Okay that's a bit theatrical but isnt it right?
I have always been observing other people. Very regular thoughts where "how do other people do stuff? decide stuff? make choices or make changes?". This is not strange to me. i can relate this to my autism. And it's good to think about this, i think.
With that in mind, i recognize gaming has changed me into someone who is only standing on the sideline. i dont feel power to change something.
Today i relate to belief 1 and 2 by understanding that i haven't been honest to myself, because i didnt think it was worth it. I wasnt' worth it. I sometimes think other people find me not worth it.
Okay.
Today i opted for deleting my steam account. its a good choice. the ticket has been send.
@Matt S i've been reading your post now for 3 times in the last few days. thanks for that help and support.
i forgive myself. right now. I forgive myself for not being honest to myself, for watching porn and for giving up on myself for a moment there. I don't want this to hold power over me. the past shouldn't hold that grip on you, on me. i forgive myself.
i'm going to talk later this evening some more. right now i'm going to eat, be a little more with my family.
Sounds good. The path to forgiveness is difficult and long, but important to try and find. It won't work right away, but just remember to always forgive yourself when these thoughts arise about bad habits. I'm glad I could leave a good post for you. Enjoy your time with family because they are the only ones who will love you unconditionally. It's important
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7 hours ago, Phoenixking said:
This is terrifying and difficult. It all feels like a blur. As if I'm still in denial, as if I'm still running from this.
I had a talk with most of the girls. Apart from one (Elf Girl) I'd genuinely would like to keep seeing, I will keep them all at a bit of a distance and when needed be clear about just wanting to be friends. I also made sure that Elf Girl knows about my dating and coping habits. Luckily she understands because she's a bit similar. And a degree in Pyschology helps out too ? She too likes losing herself in stuff from time to time. We agreed to try and communicate as often and clearly as possible and keep an eye on each other. We also agreed that this is like a speed bump and it's probably healthy anyway to take things slow. But we didn't want to cut ties, we like each other too much for that. We also agreed to not sleep together for a few months. Also due to a medical condition; but a few months of just getting to know each other properly feels like a healthy move.
Honestly, I'm a tad dissapointed in myself that I haven't gotten back up on the horse. I've been drinking daily but haven't watched porn in a few days. It surprised me how difficult it is for me to start up this diary again. I'm going to try and make this a priority.
@Matt S, you're right man. I AM all over the place. I'll try to quiet down a little bit, simplifying things sounds nice. It's proper advice. Thanks man. I took your advice about the relationship search and cut it down to 1 person I'll be seeing casually. I need to find peace with myself first. I tend to use dating and flirting as a way to run away from my problems. I need to face them. It's cool man, it's a proper wake up call. I think I needed somebody putting me in my place. I'm good with taking on my problems, but I tend to not take them one at a time. I tend to do everything all at once and wonder why I can't do even more.
I'm going to go and celebrate Christmas Eve now. I made another cheese cake. It might turn out to be a horrible night but it's where I'm supposed to be. With family. Despite my mom being there.
Nice. Take some time and see if you can work on something with your mom. I just moved home and I feel so much better. I actually got some sleep last night. Keep narrowing stuff out, but don't eliminate everything from your life either. Just make an outsider approach and stick to the path that is the most broad for you to follow.
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7 hours ago, Deku said:
Welcome! As a former max cape RS player I know what a time-sink that game can be, so I definitely applaud your decision to quit. You've set yourself some impressive goals; best of luck in getting them done.
I had no idea you played runescape as well. I did for 14 years. Terrible lol
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Hi,
I think you should read my gaming addiction story. I was addicted to RuneScape and Old School RuneScape for over 14 years and quit finally. I was a clan leader and everything.
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5 hours ago, fawn_xoxo said:
Day 38-49, December 10th-21th 2018
No sugar days
No gaming day 17-21I have been doing drawing every day and only missed one day cause my arm hurt! I am proud of myself. I am still feeling lost on whether drawing is for me, but missing it when I don't do it and wanting to do it more than just the dedicated time I have scheduled for it are good signs, right?
If you've been following this thread, you know I tried gaming again for a few days and at this point, in this period of my life, my focus on work and progressing in drawing has me... disinterested naturally. Yeah, this is happening actually and I like it and I dislike it both but ultimately I know it's for the best. I wanna draw well, I wanna paint pretty things and people, and being consistent towards it is how I'll do it. And being consistent and dutiful with work is how I will achieve a stable income and maybe an increased one, who knows! I put a rough estimate in the no gaming days cause I wasn't keeping track of which days I logged on the game. What I experienced a lot was, I logged in, realized I wasn't getting any useful things there, logged off. Sort of like habitual seeking of distraction, then ignoring that urge and going back to doing something either productive or wasting time in other ways.
All in all I'm doing rather well, my good sleep routines are going well, I get up early and I am in bed usually by 11pm or 11.30pm and feel rested when I wake up! The Atomic Habits book really motivated me to push through and " Just do it " regarding things, putting one foot in front of the other and just trusting in the process that by acting like the person I want to be, I'll end up wanting to do these things. So far it's actually working!
Last week with the approaching holidays and the Christmas foods my calories tracking and water tracking has NOT been going well but eh! I will start the new day with stronger efforts.
I'm thankful for this community, and a little embarrassed for not posting more often even though I have thoughts to share, but I am a bit caught up with that drawing progress and researching that and getting better (hopefully!). You see me more responding to other people's posts when I feel I have something helpful to share XDEvery time I go back to gaming (it's been almost 9 weeks now) I just get a more disgusted and disinterested feel for it. I understand your thoughts on the natural disinterest. With the drawing and wondering if it's for you or not, keep working on it and give yourself the mental forgiveness where you allow yourself to not love it all the time. We all loved gaming and there were times where we didn't want to game at all either. It might not be the career for you and it might not even be the hobby you choose to keep in your life (I gave up painting real fast). But it's important in your life right now because it shows you that you can commit yourself to something other than gaming and move forward.
The holidays are tough with all the candy going around. Let yourself have some, but keep exercising and eating right. If you avoid sweets for the whole holiday season it will depress you more than if you just cave and have some cookies some days, but not all days - if that makes sense.
Don't be embarrassed for missing time or anything. You are such a wonderful person and I know I am happy when I have your support and I know others are as well!
Hope your arm is feeling better,
Matt
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3 hours ago, Silverlining said:
Uh-oh, I see a lot of warning signs here.
I understand that you are an extrovert type, so it must be very difficult for you without social activities. Given your work schedule, you probably do not have much time to make new friends, either.
I remember when I just graduated and got a job, moved to the city, was cheated on and broke up, lived with 2 roommates who barely spoke with me. I was very depressed and got into a new relationship too soon. It wasn't healthy and I didn't enjoy it, so I broke up with that guy after 3 months and went back to games directly. Apparently I don't have much advice for you, because it would be tough for anyone in such a condition. I'm just sharing my experience with you, hoping that it would be somewhat helpful.
And it seems that you are very depressed. That's why I mentioned exercise the other day. I would suggest exercising at least 10 min a day. You do not need to go to gym for this. Exercise is a natural treatment for depression. From time to time I also feel depressed, but after running or cardio for 10 min, the depression will be gone and I will find myself smiling again. It works like magic. I guess you are going to gym today, so I hope you can feel it, too.
Good luck.
Yeah, it's difficult making new friends because that's also a lot of work. I gave this advice earlier to Phoenix, but I need to realize I'm exhausted and relax. I'm moving home from my toxic living situation, stressed with work, and trying to recover from 3 addictions. It's a lot.
I'm on 10 days of vacation now so I'm gonna move, relax, enjoy family, watch my shows, read, exercise, and then slowly work on hobbies towards the end of the week.
I'm just glad to be leaving my depressing situation.
Matt
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It's just a very defeated feeling and it's hard for me to work on myself or hobbies when I feel so sad and trapped.
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I'm falling into the same pattern I fell into 2 years ago. I'm really sad each night. I get home late from work, feel sick, roommates are so anti social and personable that I'm just alone. My world has really closed off where I'm living. I'm moving out soon, 2 days to be exact. I got told I probably won't be kept in touch with because my old roommates play games and only really keep in touch with gamers.
How sad is that?
I feel alone at work a lot of the time and alone at home. Most of my friends make little effort to hang out. The only bright side is a girl I've been talking to outside of work that I met. I really want some happiness. The only happiness I get I binge it. I really just want to go home, get a hug, and heal.
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12 hours ago, Phoenixking said:
Alright. So I crashed. I'm going to write all of this out here so it's out of my system. This is going to be long.
TL;DR: Christmas Eve will be awkward, the fight with my Mom continues and that's making me feel lonely. I keep judging myself and being hard on myself and keep shoveling more things op top of my shoulders. There's cool career stuff bound to happen but I crashed because I was basically going at it at full force 7 days out of 7. I can't really relax anymore. There's been porn, sadly, drinking, the itch to game again and finally feel some progress, challenge, happiness and achievement. And somebody broke into my car and it made me think and feel like a racist primate for a day or two. (Honestly, I still want somebody to pick a fight with me just so I can kick somebody's ass. Not proud of this. This is not okay. I hope it doesn't happen; but the feeling is very much there) There's also a shitload of girls and equal amounts of intimicy issues, one of which stands out and I text daily, I call her Elf girl.
The jobcoach let me go. Like a young bird I tried spreading my own wings. She felt she had taught me enough and that I was taking proper initiative. She had faith in me, I had faith in me and everything would be swell. I had stepped up to HR and my GM, told them what I wanted and they offered me a part-time job as community manager, telemarketeer and logistics assistant. A different job for each day I'd be there. Lovely. I'd get to spend the other bits of my week educating myself and expanding my freelance business. I now realize I have great charisma and skills but that my weak point is my resumé. I need proper education, certificates and workshops to put on my CV. I'm skilled and a talk a great game. Now I need to try and persuade people using my CV. My factual skills need to reflect my actual skills. It's going to take me a while and I have no idea where to start. On top of that, money will be tight for a while, I'll also need to make a budget somehow without sacrificing any quality of life. I'll need proper planning to make sure I make enough money and progress at the same time, all the while saving up some money for when the shit hits the fan. But I know myself, I'll lose myself in madness like that. So I'll also need to keep an eye on my physical wellbeing and mental health. Proper food, sleep and exercise and seeing my friends from time to time. Not to mention I can't live in a pig sty.
Starting to get the idea that that's a bit of a tall order? Yeah, me too. But I figured I could handle it. After all, I'm the motherfucking PhoenixKing. I get beaten down and get back up again, more glorious than the last time. Well, it turns out that working 7 days out of 7 will send your ass through a dark tunnel towards a white, bright light; and then sombody kicks your ponsy soul all the way back down that tunnel 'till you choke on your own fucked up ribs. So I woke up from that pipe dream a few days ago. Tired, weary, confused. I knew I was biting off more than I could chew, I could feel it. I had lost the ability to relax.
It wasn't all bad, I made sure I ate well, kept an eye on my social life. I started seeing a few girls. Had some great interviews too. There's lots of positive stuff. But I kept on laying on the pressure. I HAD to make it. I HAD to plan this or that. I CAN'T forget this or that. All of a sudden, every detail seemed like a matter of life or death. The dishes, the trash, social media... When every tiny thing feels like it's huge, every huge thing feels like it's Godzilla. It doesn't matter who you are, nobody can fight an army of Godzillas.
There's a couple of girls floating around too. There's Christmas Eve coming up. There's money issues. The large to do list. Porn. Drinking. Not being able to relax. Not reading enough for my taste. Not doing what I planned out to do. Somebody broke into my car.
I've been feeling so vulnerable. Like any little thing would set me off. I remember thinking that anybody of color with a hoodie, who looked at me funny in my street where I live, would get the beating of a lifetime. I'm not proud of that. It's like this primal rage took me over. I was so furious about the car being broken into, in front of my own fucking apartment! Where's this world coming to? My government just collapsed! A bunch of overpaid monkeys in suits, circlejerking and cashing in. And here I am, struggling and getting beaten down. How's that fair? How am I expected to still be able to smile, forgive and love? Ever since I started Krav Maga, I've been secretly wanting to actually fight. To know what it's like. I know it's a bad idea, but I also can't ignore that feeling. It's so strong and primal. I strongly assume it was an immigrant, a gypsy or some punk kid who tore the insides of my glove box apart. The rational side of me knows that it could have been anybody at any time, no matter the background, skincolor or whatever. But I live in a city area full of actual psycho's. The amount of people with actual mental health problems nearby is insane. That's something the realtor won't tell you. I don't really want to move, I just started to settle in. On top of that there's my contract. I don't want to lose money over breaking it and fleeing. This is the city. It's one of it's symptoms, I guess. But it's just one of the things I've been struggling with. I've never felt like that. The idea that I would even think of trying beat somebody up, because I'm frustrated and suspicious, because I want to take back some form of agency over my life.
That's what it's all about, I think. I want control over my life. Or at least to feel like I'm in control; like I'm steering the ship somewhere. I miss feeling progress. Games used to give you this sense of accomplishment. It's at crossroads like these that it's hard to stay sober. I'm lucky my computer is busted up enough to not let me play anything proper. I could really use some wins right now. I'd feel great. But I'd feel horrible afterwards, I fear.
I wonder if I'll figure out soon what helps me relax. It sure isn't watching Netflix, that's clear to me now. Reading is just meh. Meditation requires actual effort. D&D is a lot of fun. Krav Maga is good too. I fear that one of the reasons I crashed so hard was that I wasn't going to practice for a few weeks. I relapsed into old patterns, using porn and alcohol a lot to flee from the issues. I should probably not have this much alcohol in my house. I drink more than I want to admit. Same goes for porn. It's safe to say I'm addicted.
It's still awkward between my mom and me. I keep standing my ground firmly. But honestly, I just want her to hold me and guide me through this. But I'm not sure she even could if she wanted to. I feel rather alone in this battle. I've always tried to survive and figure things out without my parents, I had to. And I've done well for myself. But it's a basic biological thing, to want to feel a mother's love. I think I somehow compensated with relationships in the past. This is the first time, now that I'm single and am living alone, that I realize how lonely that is. Lots of people have a warm backup, a safe haven to help them weather the storm. We have a family therapy session coming up next month. I'm doing it once, as a favor to my sister. But I have no faith in it. I also feel no obligation to pour my hard-earned cash and precious time into that. I honestly and truly just want to find peace with myself, accept myself for who I am and get better at being kinder and loving towards myself. I'll have to face her at Christmas Eve. And her disgusting boyfriend. I had thought about dodging that draft. She tried adding me on Facebook, putting me in a group together with her, his kids and also my sister. I declined, blocked and deleted everything. She wanted me to come to a New Year's Party. In itself, cute, amicabel even, like an olive branch. But when you reckon that one of the problems is that she ignores issues and acts like nothing's going on and I called her out on that several times, and invite like that is infuriating. How dare she not properly talk things through with me? How dare she smile, play with my hair when I last saw her at grandma's after she threw down the phone, screaming profanities. I will not allow this fight between us to be ignored and stuffed away. I will not pretend we're okay, just because there's other family members nearby. I am not a liar, I wear no mask, I make no apologies. You want to fight with me, Mom? Sure. Bring it on. I'll eat your sorry, broken, immature, tactless, desperate ass for breakfast. But I'll be damned sure to stand my ground in any and every issue. That includes subtle manipulative invitations that imply you shit-talking me to other family members if I dare to not show up.
Christmas Eve at grandma's will be lovely. But I respect and love grandma, my aunt and my cousin. So I'll bite the bullet, drink a shitload of wine, hang out with my cousin mainly and get through it like a man.
Sorry about the Mom rant. I guess it's a bigger issue than I thought.
And finally, the girls. There's a couple. I haven't seen Krav Maga girl for a while but she's still cute and still sending out vibes. Either that or I'm misreading it. Both are plausible. Not that I'd feel confident dating her, I don't want to ruin my practice group vibes with my intimicy issues. I'd probably fool around with her for a while and get tired of her because she smokes. There's Christmas Tree girl. A friend from film school, recently broken up with her boyfriend and moved to my city. We've hung out, cooked and admitted we fancied each other. I fancy a little roll in the hay. She's terrified of kissing me because it would push her over the edge and fall in love with me. She knows I'm not fit for a relationship. Despite that we're close. She's kind, loving, sweet and reliable. She's make an amazing girlfriend. But I can't walk that path yet. There's other things to be done first. And I'm not in love with her, it wouldn't be fair to her. Despite that she's spent the night in my arms (no sex) when I needed somebody's shoulder to cry on. She's helped me set up my Christmas Tree and calls me when I have a bad day. That woman is golden. So it's imperative I don't let my flirty habits get the best of me and take advantage of her. I don't want to break her heart. Despite that, I can't keep my hands to myself. She loves it, but we always stop just before we'd kiss. I apologize each time and feel bad afterwards. But it's hard to think clearly in the moment. She's confident in herself enough to stop me when needed, I don't want to put out any rapey vibes. It's all just playfull and a little bit passionate, we hug a lot and tell each other everything and that we love each other and all. ... I guess it's a bit complicated to put it all into just a couple of sentences. There's also Improv girl. She's been busy with work but we're still going to Japan next year and we'll be celebrating New Year's Eve together. She's been out of sight for a while, working a lot, she says. I think she's just keeping her distance because that's what she does. She's always been bad at dealing with her own emotions. I don't judge her for it. Everybody struggles. She's still my friend. But I feel we'll probably be growing out of the whole fuckbuddies-thing. And that's okay.
And then there's Elf girl. I call her that in my head because she's so bubbly and adventurous. I met her through a friend who introduced us. We started talking a few weeks ago and haven't stopped since. If this keeps up, I may even develop a full blown crush on her. We've kissed before and have been on a date. I'm seeing her this weekend too. She's cute and passionate, smart and wise, she almost seems to good to be true. She has the same feelings about me. But just like I have, there's baggage. I don't want to get into a relationship when I'm just in the middle of getting to know myself. One of my big issues is to find peace and acceptance and get past being single. I'm afraid that if I get into a relationship, it'll stump my progress and I'll fall back into old patterns, making the relationship the core of my life rather than an addition to it. On top of that, I'm still struggling with the career. I'd rather focus on finally doing it properly first. Then we'll see. I've also noticed that there's a gazillion girls out there. Who's to say that she's the one? She's got issues as well. A manipulative ex-boyfriend who keeps popping into her life. She's too kind a person to properly stand up to him and she's been on his hook for a while. She wants to gather her marbles and flip him the bird once and for all but it's hard to do that if you love someone and want to be kind. All of that doesn't stop up from texting each other incessantly.
That's about the meat of it...
I'll try to keep a proper journal. Make an entry every night. I wanted to clean up my place a bit today, listen to some music or a podcast, put a limiter on my Netflix en social media time and go to Krav Maga practice. I'm still pretty battered. So we'll see where we'll end up tonight.
This is too much information to process because of everything going on. It seems to me you're all over the place right now. There's job opportunities, 4-6 different girls, hobbies, conflict with help from your mom, etc. I feel like you're getting so overwhelmed with everything in life that you're turning to something new and diving right into it. Whether it's a girl, a hobby idea, or a job you seem to be diving right in like somehow it is going to rescue you from this situation you're trying to get control of. All of this frustration is making you extremely angry and volatile emotionally (I'm not saying this in a derogatory way) and it's consistently putting you into fluctuations between fight or flight mentality. You either fight someone and get angry, or you flight and fly to a new woman interest, new job interest, or something else like porn, drinking, or gaming.
Fight or Flight is your constant mindset because you're wicked stressed out. You need to take a step back here. You said you wanted to do a hobby that required little effort and it's frustrating to you because your other activities require effort and you're tired. You need to simplify this right now. If you edit that sentence, you can just say "you're tired". You need to rest and relax for some time here. Unfortunately, if you're going through a major event in life (job search, relationship search, family issues, healing from addiction) then you can't take on too much. Your body is in shock from change and needs time to adjust.
I'd suggest giving up this relationship search. You're all over the place here and most of these girls seem like they're excited to flirt with you and fantasize, but are wasting your time and not giving you romance. If a girl really likes you after strong communication, they will date you. If they're dragging it out and making weird excuses like they want to date you, but can't, then they're playing games with you and just want the attention. You need the attention because you're vulnerable right now. These girls don't need your attention. You're giving them attention in hopes of them giving you attention. This is why you crave your mom's attention. She can provide unconditional love to you and help you when you're down. I'm not sure if you and your parents had a falling out and it's bad, or you're just trying to prove you're strong and can make it on your own, but I think it's obvious that you're craving and in need of unconditional love and support from a small group of close friends or family only. Dating will not help you right now.
You need some stability in your life and your body is crying out for you to stop and give it some reprieve. I'm sorry for sounding blunt with you tonight in my response, but based off of the emotions you're feeling right now, I needed to speak in this tone with you. You need direction and guidance. Mine might not be great, but I think you need some guidance instead of trying to pioneer every step of the way for yourself. Humans can talk for a reason. You have a good voice. Get the help you need, be patient, and allow yourself to heal while you're going through the difficulties of a major career change and lifestyle change. Humans can only learn so much at once. That's why I get frustrated. My job is so difficult I can't stop learning. This makes finding hobbies terrible because I'm always learning and it pisses me off and I want to escape it. It takes time and we need to find ways to balance healing, learning, restoration, and pleasure.
I'll support you along the way, but you need to put the brakes on and be real with yourself.
Matt
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7 hours ago, Ironfly said:
I'm not sure what i want to do now.
I've struggled with this same issue of not watching porn for a week and then going haywire for a few days watching enough to last 2 weeks. Part of the stress with quitting porn is that it's a mental, emotional, and physical outlet. It releases endorphins and dopamine. The issue is that it rewires your brain and is fake. The other issue is that it's not long lasting. The last issue is that you have ingrained into your head that watching porn is bad, so now there's internal conflict over the whole ordeal as well. All three of these combined lead to depression due to lack of fulfillment, improper ways of dealing with stress, and chemical reward imbalance.
What I've been doing recently is understanding why I'm turning to porn. I turn to it when I'm stressed and/or emotionally needy. Or just plain old turned on. I'm learning now that if there's an internal conflict I'm stressed out with and want to resort to porn to deal with it, I try to exercise instead. I don't even need to go to the gym. I go for a walk, do pushups, yoga, etc just to engage in an alternate activity that is rewarding to me. Focusing on my form helps me deal with the anxiety I'm struggling with.
My other understanding is that if I need to emotionally express myself, I call a friend, organize a hangout, or talk to coworkers and family until I can fully express my feelings. Therapy and this online community also helps.
Maybe try something like that and just keeping your mind free, but the most important thing right now is that you forgive yourself and say it's ok that it happened and you're going to focus on the future rather than thinking you're in a bad place, hating life, and miserable. If you dangle the threat of porn and its torment on your life then you're giving it too much emotion. This means you'll just give more thoughts to porn. It's like walking on a tight rope and staring at the ground instead of where you're gonna walk. Try not to make as big of a deal about watching porn and make a bigger deal about achieving a goal or working on something else in life.
You got this!
Matt
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8 hours ago, Silverlining said:
So how is it going with your hobbies?
BTW, exercise is not only a way to lose weight. It's also very important for both your physical and mental health. Try to exercise a little bit when you feel down, mostly likely you will feel better immediately. It also boosts your immune system.
Hobbies: I've been finishing up the self improvement and stress reduction class I bought. I have 2 hours left to watch. It has been a nice class and I'd like to review my notes when I'm done. I'm packing and preparing to move home so I've been doing that with most of my free time. I am watching my sports team and preparing my podcast for when I move into my new home and can work on it. I have guidance for what I need to do for my cartoon and can't wait to work on it.
Exercise: I'm going back to the gym on Friday with an appointment with my trainer. If I hate it then I'm just gonna fire her because I haven't been enjoying it with her for the past half year or so.
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Today was a long day. I worked for 14 hours to try and finish this project. Jesus christ. I don't really know what else to say. I'm just frustrated and wiped out.
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2 hours ago, Phoenixking said:
Hey Matt,
Thanks, man. I needed somebody telling me 'Welcome back'.
I can totally relate. I quit porn a while back and I still have a complicated relationship with it. I would love to quit it fully, but I can't seem to let go. I can go without it for a while but not without any effects to my psyche or body. It's an true obstacle and one to be take seriously.
I'll try to do a daily proper thing starting tonight. I want you to know I've been keeping an eye on you from a distance. I've been working about 7 days a week, overclocking my brain like crazy so I'm sorry if I haven't responded.
G
I appreciate it man. I think you and my friend fawn are the people who have really made an impact on me.
I think our issues are more of a global issue with our overall daily lives than little things and we turn to escapism to hide from it because we feel trapped. Mine is definitely career related and I think yours has been as well based off or summer conversations.
We're going to figure this out.
Matt
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I'm trying not to get worse, but I am. I start the week off getting in early and doing well and then getting bombarded. I'm already getting to work 2 hours later than I was.
Also, if you have a fucking cold, don't go to work. I've never been sneezed on so many times in my life. 4 colds in 1.5 months.
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I find myself to be very sad tonight. I feel like I'm not happy. I feel like I haven't been happy in months. I'm strong willed and confident that I'm not leading the life I believe to be true in my heart.
I want love. I want happiness. I want to have purpose.
I feel like a drone. I feel empty.
But I feel hope.
I feel strength from inside churning like magma about to erupt from a volcano. I feel the tremors. That seismic activity reigns supreme until my eruption.
I promise myself I will find the right path because I want happiness, God dammit. I'm tired of feeling the life being sapped out of me. That's why I played games for years. No more escaping through hiding. I need to reach my dreams and love.
I am strong and I am tired of crying.
Matt
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19 minutes ago, Phoenixking said:
I need to learn how to be kinder to myself and not as demanding. I feel I need to start this journal again. A part of me feels like I don't even deserve to because I'm not really kicking the gaming habit but it's more the search for a healthy life.
I've just been bawling my eyes out, crawled into a ball of my cold couch, sad music basically blasting. I saw my doctor today, I convinced him to let me stay at home for the rest of the week.
It all started this morning when I was making my breakfast shake. Some astronaut powder, some frozen spinach, frozen fruit, some 'fresh' juice. I had forgotten to clean the whole blending array and my bottle the day before. So it was all crusty. I started begrudgingly cleaning it, swatting away the flies circling the remains of my dishes. It was going to cost me five whole minutes. I'd be late probably. I had to hurry.
And then something just snapped. I couldn't walk out the front door. I just couldn't go to that infernal office any more. It was draining me, burning me out. I used my acting skills to lie my way through a conversation with HR; implying I was sick. Because of an incident they don't really trust me (I'm not sure they should, I try to never lie but I'm a bit of a rogue and really good at deception when I want to and I also tend to steal office supplies because fuck that place) so I had to get a doctor asap to verify that I'm sick. Obviously I wasn't sick. But there was something wrong with me. So I played the overworked/overstressed card. He empathized, advised a therapist, and gave me a few days off. But the thing is, when I use my acting, reality blurs a bit. I know that. I know that I can feel genuinely arrogant or mad or sad or whatever a part I play requires of me. The same applies to lying. My mind and body tend to refabricate what I perceive as real. It's part of what makes me a good actor. So it's only natural I started believing my own lie a little bit. But I couldn't shake it.
And then I realized, I haven't been well for a while. I've been watching porn again. First a little. Then I fought it. And then a LOT. I use it as some kind of crutch. To release chemicals in my brain. I can't seem to stop. I can't seem to relax. Meditation requires concentration and effort. I had to face the facts, something actually did break. A dam of some kind. Thank god it did. It's healthy to fall. It helps me learn where the ground under my feet is.
But I'd still like somebody to tel me that I am an okay person and that it's natural to fail, judge yourself and that learning to be kind to yourself isn't easy. And that it's okay to need to journal some more on this forum and that I'm welcome to do so.
I have to go to Krav Maga practice and attend a birthday party after that. I'll write some more tomorrow and try and start a daily structured journal again. I just need to get this stuff off my chest. I have to tell someone.
Hey man,
Welcome back and don't be ashamed of what's going on. I've written in here a few times that porn is my biggest crutch and harder to quit than games. For some reason I associate it with a mental and physical craving and really turn to it when I'm stressed, anxious, tired, excited, lazy, etc. It drains my emotions and makes me feel dead inside. I'm having a real difficulty quitting it. It's like that last wall of bad habits I participate in.
I think it's good to journal, even if you quit games. It gives you a bit of a reality check when you're being too hard on yourself or not being realistic. It can be so depressing going to work somewhere you know you don't belong, but battling the confusion of not knowing where you belong anyhow. We're so used to instant results from gaming and porn that it's hard to focus on these long term paths. Our bad habits are also escapism.
A few of us on this forum really loathe the every day job we do because we know we're doing belong in it. That's part of our path and maybe we'll figure it out.
Matt
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1 hour ago, Silverlining said:
Thank you! Tbh this job hasn't been a pleasure to me. For the past few years it has been the one of the main causes of my depression. Yet here is this opportunity just when I'm planning to quit. I'm not saying it's worth the suffering. I still should have quit this job years ago, but I'm glad that I have a chance to turn things around.
I completely understand and am in the same boat with that depression. If this opportunity doesn't turn into the right path for you then it's more motivation to chase after something that inspires you to live life more. I'll be doing the same.
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I had a really good conversation with @fawn_xoxo yesterday and it helped me calm down and refocus a bit. She's been a really important person along my journey towards gaming addiction recovery because she listens very well and also challenges me to keep moving forward. I appreciate her attention to detail and commitment to me as a friend even though we have never met. She is someone I'm very thankful to have met in this community.
I decided to wake up earlier today and just make sure I could get to work focused and ready to go. I was the first one in the office, got all of my stuff done, and was ready to go, but had to stay 3 hours late to work on other stuff. Previously, this would have infuriated me and I would go to bed tonight late, wake up the next day late in anger, and repeat the pattern.
no
I will wake up early tomorrow and get to work first and do my thing. I was still furious today about having to work late, but I'm going to keep the right attitude and stick with the plan. I think my conversation with Fawn helped me get a bit of a reality check with a few things and my expectations about myself. Tonight, I still made dinner after complaining and now I can watch my hockey game before bed. I'll also read. I think I had this misconception about reading where I should just read before bed and not at any time for enjoyment. There are times where I want to relax and read at home, but felt like it's not real and I shouldn't do it.
I get into these mental frames of mind where I feel like I shouldn't do anything and I become authoritarian in my style of mentality towards my activities. That's not real either. I want to get in this mind set of "ok, I'm not at work anymore. I can now relax. This is my time to enjoy life now. I don't have to urgently rush into a productive activity. I can take a deep breath and say this is my time."
This is important because I get so anxious about getting out of work and spending time the right way, that I get severely stressed and criticize my activities instead of trying something new, smiling, and enjoying life. I'm now just letting the night come and relaxing a bit. Just gotta stick to it. Fawn and I talked about just spending a little time on a hobby and letting it gain some traction instead of going at it 100% like a job. I'm going to try it a bit tonight and try to get even a few minutes of creativity completed. This is good for my past self, who wished I could be creative, my present self, who is unfulfilled, and my future self, who wants to be a creative and balanced person in my free time.
Matt
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I'm with you!
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Great job sticking with the program so far. If you read your posts you have so many good and bad days. Just know that the next day could be a great one. It's good that you found the strength to give your best at the end of a long day. Forgive yourself for not feeling the best and love yourself and prepare for the future.
Matt
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What are some activities you'll do instead?
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Great job! I'm glad you are in an environment where you can let these new skills blossom.
Daily Journal - Rick
in Daily Journals
Posted
I think you should read the most recent big post on my thread regarding porn. It might be applicable.