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BooksandTrees
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Posts posted by BooksandTrees
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10 hours ago, Silverlining said:
Day #82: 1/8/2019 Thursday
Today I finally completed the Machine Learning course that I had expected to finish last week.
Well, it's better now than later.
I still have a lot to study to meet my weekly target.
Nice job! It's nice learning when we are interested in it. Those are great universities as well and hopefully it will impact your career nicely.
I remember finishing my master's degree last year in engineering and finally feeling proud and free.
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I hear you. It is very hard to practice self care and I think it's only administered through reminders and outer perspective. When we struggle with things in life we go into survival mode of fight or flight. That's why it's so much easier to tell someone to calm down, like I've done with you, than heed my advice myself.
It's getting better. I agree with stuff said and can't explicitly post on here how unhappy I am with something, but that unhappiness does impact my life. I do think it's wise to be patient and heal a bit. I'm happy I'm making progress and doing a little better. Just get unenthused about the daily motions.
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This weekend I set out to get a lot accomplished around my home, see friends, and live a bit. I did all of this. I went bowling and to the arcade and out for beers with 4 friends. I then watched my hockey team win. I had fun. I then bought my mom her Christmas gifts finally because we didn't have a chance to shop for each other with me moving home, etc. We also cleaned a ton of the house and it looks great. I'm now 11 weeks free of video games. I also did yoga, worked out, and ate food and cooked new foods.
You know what stinks? I got mad at myself after all of this. What the fuck? I got mad because I wasn't creating something. I'm starting to think I don't really want to create something. I get angry at the word PODCAST because I haven't worked on my podcast in 3 months. I view creating content and learning as work. I don't want to work more than I have to. I hate working. My work ethic is good when it's on the line, but other than that I don't want to work and I just want to do nothing. I don't really like to do anything that requires work at all in fact.
The issue is that I get extreme compliments for my work. I work well. I get told by professional cartoonists to pursue my cartoon because it would be successful. I'm not doing it. I got told my local hockey fans to keep podcasting and improve. I'm not doing it. I get told by all of my friends, therapists, doctors, family, and random people to do stand up comedy. I'm not doing it. I don't want to do anything and it bothers me. I don't get what the fucking deal is? I don't want to learn anything new. I'm just tired all of the time. I know I'm depressed.
I've quit gaming for 11 weeks and porn for 1 week and cut down on porn from 3-5 times per day to 0-3 times per week. I'm making improvements. I'm just confused because I had a great weekend, did everything I set out to do, and then got mad at myself. I still found ways to get mad at myself. I'm not appreciating and being grateful for the steps I'm making. I did a lot of great things and I'm just mad because I still don't have a girlfriend, didn't work on any new hobbies, didn't read, and didn't go to the gym (but I still worked out for an hour with free weights at home). I'm hoping that these books I got and my continued therapy and mindset will improve and keep me focused on gradual happiness improvement and caring more about myself.
I don't want to do these hobbies because I am going into them with the expectation that I'll need to be perfect and come up with a marketing system, etc, to one day sell this as a full time thing and make lots of money off of it and be happy. That pressure is what's preventing me from doing it. I can't just do it for fun because in the back of my mind it's what I really want to do for a living one day. College was so hard and I never want to repeat that again.
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I'm emotionally drained after a long few weeks and just don't feel like writing. My sleep is improving and I'm just tired of not taking action in life. That's over now.
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Sometimes things come into your life when you need them most. This movie called 'Manic' has always been the most powerful movie I've ever watched. It's about a boy with anger problems who tries to mask his emotions with anger and fight his way out, running away from who he truly is, and fighting it along the way. There are other dynamic characters in there, but it's a powerful and relatable movie. It's free on YouTube:
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10 hours ago, Peregrinator said:
Day 96 - So I didn't get to bed until 2am, but i was up at 8 went to breakfast at the same pub we went for new years and had a good breakfast, I then went home and napped until 2pm. As a result my routine was knackered, I spent the rest of the day reading, drawing and talking to this girl. We have still agreed to meet in a few days time and chatted on the phone for a good few hours.
I think when you start speaking to someone new after the end of a relationship it is impossible to not compare that person with your ex, and I know that when you start a new relationship your best face and sell yourself.
But seriously this girl smokes my ex in nearly every single category. She is more attractive, has more money, has a better car, a better social life, is more outgoing, has her own house and that makes it a bit daunting. At the end of the day I was dumped by a girl that didn't have half those things.Don't get me wrong I'm sure she has negative points, we all do, but I can't see what they are at the moment.
My only course is to take the date as it comes, we will click or we won't , I will be whats she wants or I won't be. I'll play the Rogue One quote and take the next chance and the next.
Seems like you've ticked a few boxes with this woman. Good luck with her. It's always wonderful meeting and talking to someone who you enjoy inside and out. Don't put her on a pedestal because it might make her feel strange. Just appreciate all the things you mentioned, but don't fawn over her with her knowing lol. You got this.
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Thank you for helping me not relapse.
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Thank you for helping me not relapse. I changed my name on here.
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I had a bit of a meltdown last night. I got anxious about going back to work. I keep wanting to make all of this change in my life and although I'm making change, it's not fast enough or fun enough. I'm having trouble constantly staying on top of myself to plan things out for myself to stay balanced.
I view this as a sign of me overwhelming myself and not meditating. I don't mean like a yogi or anything, but just taking some time during the day to stretch, relax, close my eyes, slow down, and reflect on my feelings. I'm antsy and not expressing myself and filled with tons of anxiety and energy. This is a sign I need to exercise, socialize, and have fun to let off some steam. Today I got a new gym membership at this gym I've discussed visiting and created my gym routine. I then organized a trip to go bowling this weekend with friends and grab some beer.
I ordered those 3 books Fawn keeps telling me to read. I also listened to half of the self esteem one on YouTube today. I enjoyed what he was saying and related to a lot of what he was saying. I won't comment on that right now because I'm exhausted after only sleeping 2 hours.
Although I didn't relapse with gaming, I did watch porn a few times during my panic attacks. I'm disappointed.
I don't take enough action. As I previously noted, I have been trying to take on too many hobbies at once and just not doing any of them and holding myself hostage. I'm taking a new approach. I'm going to start getting in tune with my feelings and see what I need to have in my life. I want to read myself and figure out whether I want to draw, write, learn, watch tv, exercise, etc.
I would like to thank all of the people who posted today and gave the kind words. I did not relapse and managed to sleep. I was watching old YouTube videos of me in the world championships and against top players around the world and got sad. I missed it badly. But that's in my past now and it made me depressed watching it.
I'm going to relax and sleep early tonight. I am tired.
Matt
P.S. My name is different on here now as well as Discord.
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Guys,
Thank you very much. I did not relapse although I only got 4 hours of sleep, maybe only 3. I'm exhausted.
I'll explain more later today.
Matt
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4 hours ago, fawn_xoxo said:
This is your brain screaming at change, if you play now you're gonna do another half a year relapse. This is your turning point. Watch a class online and you'll fall asleep probably. Quick reply cause I'm off to do work stuff sorry
thank you
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I can't sleep tonight. I gotta wake for work soon and I just can't stop thinking about video games. I miss being the best in the world at nhl goalie. I miss playing against and with the best players. I'm just wondering if I played a little if it would help. I just haven't tried hobbies yet so I don't think my life had changed in 10 weeks of me not gaming. I just haven't played or replaced it yet. I'm struggling and craving it badly. Night sweats and everything.
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I'm holding myself hostage. I got angry about video games because I'd choose to play games over any other hobby that I was interested in trying. I even only played the MMORPG or online multiplayer games over single player games. I didn't play my gameboy or the NES classic or anything.
Now that I've quit video games I haven't done a single new hobby. It's fucking incredible. I went rock climbing twice, enjoyed it sort of, but don't want to go alone. I liked going hiking, but hated going alone. I liked photography, but I wanted to share my work instead of just taking pictures alone. I liked Podcasting about hockey, but got stressed by it after a while because the podcasts were too long and I didn't want to do it alone. I liked yoga and doing fun exercises at the gym, but lost sight of what the purpose of doing them was. I can't enjoy anything in moderation now and think I'm fucked up. I really want to relapse and play games right now. I think I'm just being dumb. I haven't done anything new or pursued it. I really miss gaming because I was established in it.
I end up spending hours alone each night now and have been for months. I did this over the summer and feel a relapse happening soon. I played for months and just realized I didn't care much about doing other things in life because they didn't interest me. I'd see a movie and then that's it. I'd go kayaking, or to the forest to walk and take pictures, and that's it. I'd go to a brewery or a restaurant...and it's over. Gaming you can just keep playing. That's what I want and miss. I miss being able to just keep playing and playing.
But that was making me sick. I'd keep playing until like 6 AM. I couldn't stop playing. Once I gamed again I wouldn't even watch TV or make food. I just wanted to game. I don't think I understand the concept of balance, appreciating things, or knowing what happiness is. I am suffering right now because I'm just putting myself through hell and making myself feel bad. I watch hockey and that's fine. I want to podcast once per week about hockey, but get angry and don't do it because it feels like work and effort. I don't see the point of yoga or the gym anymore. If I do this, who cares? I don't know if I care. All I care about is just getting better at a game. And when I play that game, I don't care about anything else in life and I stop talking to friends, family. Then I just get isolated and alone and realize I need to quit. I get angry at other online gamers. I don't play single player games. I just want to be elite at gaming again and nothing else. And then I realize how useless being amazing at a game is.
I've talked to a few people recently and I'm just thinking too much. I'm analyzing too much. Starting tonight I'm just going to do. I'm going to work out because I miss being strong. I like looking and feeling healthy. It makes my mind feel happier and I love myself more. I will do yoga or stretch because it helps me meditate and be happier, I'm going to read at night because I love adventure, I'll watch hockey because I love it, I'll try to schedule time with friends to bowl, play pool, or eat somewhere just to socialize and laugh, and I'll keep learning about stuff. Gaming is desirable because I can just do. I am going to take a break from my diary and analyzing myself because I'm driving myself insane not living. I'm isolating my heart and mind and it's sickening me.
Matt
P.S. I'm changing my username on here.
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It's a good thing to look forward to meeting this girl, but don't build her up as amazing until she's proven to you that she's amazing. I also don't want you to look back at your old photos in disgust. Have some compassion for your old self and use that as motivation to look and feel better instead of resent and frustration. You have to accept all parts of yourself. Our emotions are like a pie filled with lots of meats and vegetables. Some are bitter, some are savory, some are sweet, some are bland, and some are spicy. Those are different emotions. Together they make you. When you can combine all of those into the right flavor combination then you'll crave yourself and love yourself more. People will also crave your attention as well. Sorry for the silly analogy, but I like it.
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7 hours ago, info-gatherer said:
Hey. I didn’t mean to say that porn is not addictive, just to be clear ?
Oh I know. I just thought it might take forever for me to explain what I've been learning about myself. I try to do an incredible amount of research before quitting something so I have a plan of attacking any cravings. But it has taken months to figure out lol. Don't worry. I was kind of sick last night and freaking out so I stopped typing part of the way and left the computer. I apologize.
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On 12/29/2018 at 4:53 PM, info-gatherer said:
(Oh my, I really miss some good physical exercise. I must go back to running asap!).
I didn’t read your post about porn, so I really don’t know what’s your problem with it, but I’m happy to hear you’re fighting it. Luckily enough, nobody needs porn to have an orgasm.
Thank you. I'd explain, but it's already in the previous posts. Porn is just very addicting for many ways, which I've been uncovering for some time now.
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1 hour ago, Silverlining said:
Thank you! That's very useful advice. Now I try to stand up as much as possible and do some yoga whenever possible. It makes me feel less guilty even if I don't have the time to go to the gym on that day.
I managed to meet the deadline for my assignment on Coursera. And I'm going to the gym right now. I guess I was worrying a little bit too much. It's just too depressing to think about the possibility for me to relapse.
It's ok to worry, but not to drive yourself with worrisome thoughts. Stay strong and collected. You got this. Great job on getting your project completed.
Matt
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23 hours ago, RS Addict said:
I'm attempting to fully get rid of all my runescape items and accounts as well.
Coming from someone who has quit RuneScape several times, I would say keep all of your items and accounts. Just remove membership. Having no items brings the subtle motivation to rebuild your account and gain exp as the extra reward. Just bank everything, remove memberships, and log off. If you make too big of a deal out of it you'll regret it all.
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Today is 10 weeks that I haven't gamed. I feel really accomplished by this milestone. I'm approaching 3 months again and feel proud. This feeling of pride is starting to be the fuel for quitting pornography now. I know what success feels like and I know what failure feels like. I'm failing with porn and succeeding with gaming and social media addiction. I've now decided to give up porn, install porn blockers, and just get over this. I'm so tired of feeling terrible after watching it. I'm not even enjoying searching for stuff anymore.
A guy named Ned in the discord posted this:
This statement really resonated with me because I used to get that sense of adrenaline rush searching for 30 minutes for the perfect videos and scenarios. I'd be all excited. Then once I watched the video I ended up choosing I was disappointed. Once I finished watching I was just let down and disgusted. I'd close all the other videos I looked for and just sit there questioning why I even searched for them.
After the revelations I've made about emotional needs and turning to porn to fill the void and the statement above, I now feel like I'm ready to ditch this habit as well. I'm done with it.
Matt
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6 hours ago, Peregrinator said:
I think your 100% right there , getting angry isn't a constructive day to deal with this, your way is better. I need to focus on smashing it out of the park and developing my existing opportunities in my current role. The irony is that my current role has a higher profile and is more demanding than the job I applied for, but I need something permanent. I have at least three months to exploit every opportunity that I current have to push the ball forward.
Keep going and see what happens. Opportunity is always around the corner in the world we live in today if we're willing to look and be creative about it. You got this.
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I'll keep that in mind. This place literally only has 1 bench and 1 squat rack. My old gym had 4 of each in college. I need something like that so I can feel comfortable. If 10 people show up I feel like I have to alter my routine. Plus my trainer is a moron. I sat down with her to create routines after 8 sessions of going no where. We created 3 routines. The next time we went she did a new routine we never spoke about. I was so angry.
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5 hours ago, Silverlining said:
Day #69:
Nice.
But seriously, I know you've worked so hard over these couple months to develop a routine, stick to it, and lead a better life. The issue is that isn't always going to be the case. There will be weeks where your schedule implodes due to unforeseen conditions. This is where you stay calm and collected. Trust yourself and allow yourself some time to destress. You've done a lot to heal and now a lot to do holiday stuff. Your mind and body are craving some physical release and mental stimulation, but your whole body and soul needs some rest right now. Maybe you can make time to meditate and do yoga on these days you're not motivated to go to the gym. It's private, slower paced, but good for you in many ways.
Take a deep breath and don't panic during this blip in the radar. You're doing great and just need to roll with this for right now until the week gets stable again.
Matt
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I'm sorry you didn't get the interview you were seeking. This reminds me of when I first started doing well in engineering school in 2013. I had quit games and got my life back on track. I was slowly becoming one of the top students in my class. I got an interview at a job I thought I deserved and didn't get the job because they wanted someone who could potentially be a full time worker after the internship ended. I was so angry. I was a better engineer than the classmate who got the job, but they were a senior and I was a junior at the time. I let that bother me for a bit, but then turned it into a chip on my shoulder. I'd go and become a better engineer and make them wish they hired me. 4 years later I received a letter from them asking me to work for them and I let them know I was not interested. They missed out on me. Too fucking bad. They were very interested due to my experience and ability. Thought I'd be a great addition to the team. Blow me.
I say this story not for you to carry around a briefcase of spite regarding that employer, but I say it to motivate you. Maybe this is a chance for you to do well at a completely different job or role where you'll have a brighter future. It's like the hot chick who turned you down, then you got in good physical shape and now she wants you. Too bad.
I will say that in 1 year or so, the only thing you're going to remember is that beautiful photo you took and the journey you went on. That photo is captivating to say the least. Very inspirational.
Matt
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Dear Diary...
in Daily Journals
Posted
I'm 12 weeks without gaming. I think I've found a strategy to help be easier on myself. If you've ever worked out in a gym you know it's not good for muscle development to over train a muscle. It's not great to do biceps 2 hours a day, 7 days a week. They'll never grow, they'll never repair, and you're going to keep harming them until you get seriously injured.
Why do the same thing to our brains, hearts, and emotions? I've decided to just focus on certain goals, brief details about things that bother me, and also treat things in life as "I want to do this" instead of "I need or should do this". If I start treating hobbies as "I should do this" then it's gonna be like work. I also have this thing where I want to do something fun, and then think about how stressful it will be to get there and talk myself out of it and just stay home doing nothing. I am practicing saying "I want to go make this recipe" for example and then just go to the store. I used to just say "I want to make this recipe" and then stress out about going to the store, how many people would be there, how much of my day I'd be wasting, and how frustrating the whole experience would be.
These are small thoughts of mine that have helped and allowed me to focus on other aspects of my life. I think I'm over gaming. I might go back one day if I find enough stuff to enjoy. The real battle I'm experiencing in life is wanting to do things. I honestly wake up on the weekends not wanting to do anything at all. It is sad. Nothing excites me enough to wake up in the mornings. I still haven't found things I'm passionate about, but at least now I'm beginning to try. I'm now just allowing myself to try things instead of talking myself out of them. I had some great progress last weekend and hopefully I can continue.
It's allowing yourself to enjoy free time and life without addictive and compulsive behaviors. If I start to enjoy going to the gym and working out as well as yoga sometimes after work, then that's another 1 hour each day that I've enjoyed. I bolded that because I was trying to fill up hours in my day to make the day pass by and not play games. This was leading to unenjoyment. I simply wasn't enjoying my time. I'm still not enjoying my time. But if I get these thoughts in my head for wanting to do something, I just want to do it and I will try to apply that. If I don't, I'll keep watching porn in my spare time and eventually relapse with gaming.
Matt