Phoenixking

Day 51 Not your average Monday! Work was okay. I was swamped so time went by very quickly. Two new colleagues. My closest coworker is starting to develop feelings for a friend of hers. A Brazillian colleague is visiting for the week. Fun day as far as boring shit goes. After work, I sped to get some stuff arranged and get some chores done. I hopped in the shower and was ready to see my friend. I was worried that he might be judgy but in the end it was all very fine. He's a cool dude and we just hung out and had fun. We ended up going to an Irish Pub and invited some friends of ours. I missed them. I had spent a full year being obsessed by the ex. Finally getting back together with my friends felt amazing. I feel a bit guilty for leaving them, but they laughed it off. I'm so fucking lucky. One amazing thing that happened/I did today The cheesecake is still amazing. So were the food and the drinks. Chicken Goujons, proper Single Malt Whiskey, all you can eat ribs... Body/health Haven't been doing my exercises for a while now. There will be hell to pay soon. But for now, we're all good. We'll cross that bridge when we come to it. Mind/soul "The subtle art of not giving a fuck" came in today. I feel like I'm genuinely trying to be a more happy and positive person. What progress did I make today? Survived work and was able to do lots of productive shit before I had to go out with my friends. What went well today: Work flew by. I took care of myself in terms of food and preparation. I'm proud of myself actually. I hope I can maintain this for a long time! What I could have done to make my day better: Think less about the ex and what makes me feel sad and guilty. What I will do differently tomorrow: Look forward to Krav Maga and the rest of the fun week. I have a day and a half off in the middle of the week. Yay! Goals: Survive work. Eat healthy shit. Survive Krav Maga.

Day 50 Waw. Lots has happened today. So, I didn't actually plan anything at all today. I told myself I wanted to tidy the place up and that I wanted to make a cake. I set my alarm to go groceries shopping first thing in the morning. I thought it might be a lazy day. But ooooh noooo... I cleaned the entire place! Vacuumed it, got on all fours to scrub, the whole shebang! On top of that, I made one killer of a cheesecake. I used to love eating these and now I'm able to make them myself! I'm very, very proud. I even dedicated it to this forum. I made a post about it here: Before I knew it, the day had flown by. Most of my chores were done, I had made a great meal, place smelled clean, cheesecake was chilling out in the fridge. I sat down to chill out and have a beer and watch a movie. I tend to drink more. Almost daily. But it relaxes me. And it's just one beer! I think I read somewhere that a small amount of alcohol on a semi-daily basis can be healthy. It's like something had clicked inside of me. I can change what I don't like. And whatever I am not able to change, I'll just have to accept it. I can choose to view it from a positive angle of a negative angle. That is up to me. But it won't change anything. Might as wel choose the positive side then. Way more benefits. It'd be silly to choose the other. I still have a long way to go. But there are clearly good things coming my way. And that's when the phone rang... It was the ex. I still care for her so I picked up. I had blocked her number a while back but since last weekend, when I had spent the night, I had unblocked it. The conversation took about 2 hours. I realize now that, even though I care and she cares, we're clearly not good for each other. She can't get me the happiness and peace I need. I have to do that myself. I stood my ground. Not always, but more than I did in the past. She was doing that thing she does. Changing words, flipping views around. She's slippery. She was going to hold back money she owed me, to make sure that I didn't pawn her tickets for Disneyland. Preposterous. Love is complicated and difficult. It's harsh but she's slowing down my progress. I hope she stops bugging me soon. One amazing thing that happened/I did today Mother. Fucking. CHEESECAKE!!! It is soooo tasty! Body/health Fine. I ate steak, veggies and some mashed potatoes. I bought carrots, ginger and apples and oranges and lots of healthy stuff to put in my new blender. Mind/soul A bit more at peace. It's clear to me now that I'm actually gravitating naturally towards stuff that needs doing. I can give myself a blank slate and I'll make something nice of the day. It's cool to be able to trust myself like this and let go. Pressuring myself less feels great. What progress did I make today? Cleaned the entire place. Held my ground against the ex. Listened to my inner self and just gave myself what I thought I needed. What went well today: From waking up to going to sleep. Everything felt like it had a use and was important. It was a productive day. But also a relaxing day. Until the ex called. But I'll meditate and read and I'll be fine. What I could have done to make my day better: Today was pretty goddamn okay. I should have done my exercises though. I had time. But other things kept happening and I just went with it. What I will do differently tomorrow: I'm meeting my friend. He has a tendency to be a tad brutish in terms of feelings. I'll need some mental preparation to be able to face him, I feel. Goals: Survive work. Eat something healthy. Face my judgy friend.

I can't thank you enough for insights like these.

Day 49 Waw. Day 49. I feel like it's flying by! It gives me a bit of anxiety because I feel there is still so much to do. I know I'm not supposed to have moved the world by day 90 but it seems like such a strange and mythical goal on the horizon. Today, I started with a business meeting. I used to work, as a freelancer, for a communication company. They provide training and coaching for major companies. It was a pretty big deal. They're looking to expand and they like keeping me on their radar. Professionally, it was a good conversation. I think they're a good match for me but they raised some valid points. I'm an entertainer and not used to working with stiff folk like top tier managers. There's a few other things. It was just nice to feel valued. I can obviously do way more than what my current, boring, repetitive job demands. It was nice to be reminded of that and validated. Other than that, it was such a nice conversation, we kind of lost track of time. She's a fascinating woman in her fifties and she's done some killer things in the field or marketing. She's emotionally very experienced, an intelligent human being. Great way to start the morning. We talked about history, politics, ... I would LOVE to work for them. I would be happy. But it's a long way to go before we get there. They were talking about March 2019. Even if nothing comes out of it, I liked it. After that I passed by the ex's house. I still had a book I needed to return. I decided that I would want all of my stuff back and I didn't want to hold something like a book she had asked for a couple of times just to spite her or something. I wasn't sure if it was a good idea to see her and talk to her. I wanted to drop it in the mailbox. But I ended up seeing if she was home. I felt like last weekend needed to be talked about. Thank heavens she wasn't home. I thought it would have been a good idea to talk. It seemed like such an innocent thing. How could it damage, hurt of have any bad consequences? After that I went and washed my car and got some hair bands. I have a bald spot that drives me up the wall. I even posted on Reddit about it. Should I grow out my hair and cover it up with a man bun or something similar? Or go for some time of buzz cut? I'll get a hairdresser's appointment. In any case, I've been wanting to get some hair bands for a while. After that I just sort of sat around. I have 1000 things on my to do list but I was kind of tired after all of that. I sat down, had some cookies, a beer and took a nap. I decided I needed to do something useful at home, like clean up. I started tidying up the place with a favorite movie of mine in the background: "Le Fabuleux Destin d'Amélie Poulain". I got a text from my niece to hang out so I took a break after that. When I returned I finished up and kept watching the movie. Today has taught me I am able to spend a useful and fulfilling day alone. And that it's all about perspective. When I look back at the day now, it's been a good day. A properly good day. Filled with beautiful things. But there were several times today that I just felt lost. Hence the beer and the nap. I have difficulties being alone. I tend to use my verbal skills to talk up girls, seduce them and spend my time allowing my happiness to be in the hands of others. I want to rebuild my relationship with myself. It starts with small things like not going out and just sitting on the couch by myself and being fine with that. I will try to not fall asleep with Netflix tonight. I miss romance, though. But there are so many other amazing things out there. It's high time I went out and looked for them ? One amazing thing that happened/I did today Amélie Poulain brought me to tears a few times and also I started my day with a killer conversation that lasted for 3 hours. Body/health My knee hurts a bit. I used to do group sports because I suck at discipline, but it's rather clear I need to make sure I don't accidentally seriously hurt myself by not exercising it the way my physical therapist taught me. Mind/soul In a constant state of flux. Swaying both towards the positive and the negative. Which is understandable, given the circumstances. What progress did I make today? Business meeting, cleaned the place up a bit, saw my niece skateboard for the first time, took my first steps towards finding peace in being alone. What went well today: From waking up to coming home in the afternoon. Everything felt like it had a use and was important. It was a productive day. What I could have done to make my day better: I didn't really eat properly. I need more veggies and fruits. What I will do differently tomorrow: Have fun and try to work off some of that long list. Goals: Make a cake and vaccuum the place. I feel like that's the minimum.

Day 48 Work went better than yesterday. We're getting an audit on Monday and Tuesday, so I hope we pass the examination. Today was a bit more quiet so I was able to bring everything back to status quo. There will still be about 50 mails waiting for me. But for now, we're good. I took the picture I wanted to. I'll have to do some photo-shopping but it turned out well, I feel. It will take some work, but I feel like I have a shot if I put some effort into it. I first set out to want to win the main prize: the top 3 get a modern Polaroid camera. But after today, I just wanted to do it for the fun. I loved dressing up my colleagues, prepping the shoot, finding the props, planning the shot, ... I miss movie sets and the life I had in the media. The exhilaration and the almost palpable creativity in the air. I guess I truly am a performer by nature. I'm happy that I'll be starting improv again soon. As it stand right now, I think I might truly lose myself in that passion and it might lead to more. Maybe one day I'll be able to properly make my profession out of it. Now that the ex is gone, I only have myself to live for. I used to be able to dedicate myself to my craft but once a girl comes into the mix, I suddenly have to actually think of money and a house later, and so on... I've never stopped to ask myself what I wanted for myself. Maybe a basic apartment but a fulfilling life is a right fit for me? I guess time will tell. After that I had a few drinks with the colleagues, because FRIDAY!!! I came home and did some errands. I wanted to take a little nap (because of the alcohol) before I started getting ready for the Glitter-party my friends wanted to go to. I was excited! But they work in retail and they were tired. Both had to work tomorrow too, so even though I was invited to come hang out at their house, they would have to leave in the morning. I didn't want to deal with all of that and decided to text a couple of friends. In the end, I stayed at home. First I was bummed out. 27, single and home alone on a Friday evening. LAME. But there was this Netflix series, I ordered my favorite food and there's this girl that I keep talking to. In the end, it was a quiet evening but it was okay. I didn't feel so bad. Quite the opposite ^^ It was nice. It felt like I had had a talk with my inner me and we both decided to just have a nice evening. Nothing crazy of amazing. Just nice. And that was enough. I am trying to befriend myself and look out a bit more for myself. There's a long road to go. But I think I have taken a first step or two. One amazing thing that happened/I did today Taking the picture was fun and hilarious. It felt like the first time the true me was present at work. Creative, driven and caring. Body/health My legs hurt a bit. I haven done my exercises in a week. Food situation is okay, though. I now have a blender and a couple of smoothie recipes. All I need now is groceries. Mind/soul I'm slowly recovering from last weekend. I'm still a bit of a mess. But less of a mess than last week. What progress did I make today? I stayed at home. Alone. And I was fine. I still feel anxious about going to bed. But this is a step in the right direction. What went well today: Gaining up on work stuff. What I could have done to make my day better: Still in need of more fruit and veggies and my to do list is looooooong nowadays. What I will do differently tomorrow: Have fun and try to work off some of that long list. Goals: Go to a business meeting at 10:30 for coffee. This might be a freelancing opportunity or better. The rest of the day is a blank canvas. I'll try to do some stuff from the list but I won't pressure myself. Doing 1 thing might be enough, everything else is gravy ^^

I think I'm just afraid of being alone with my thoughts. Is that weird? Or maybe I'm afraid of feeling alone? I just get this sense of dread when I think I have to crawl into bed when I'm still conscious and sober.

Day 47 I didn't sleep very well. I'm not sure why. I still fall asleep with Netflix instead of my previous ritual. I used to meditate, read my book and then fall asleep. Nowadays, my brain is so full of different things; it makes me anxious to deal with them. I know that I should approach it with some calmness rather than numb it with Netflix. But for now, this is okay. I know what the better option is. I have faith that I'll take it when I feel like I must. I'm trying to to pressure myself too much. I was doing very well for a while and it kind of imploded. So whenever I start a new habit now, I try to make sure I truly want and enjoy it. That way it lasts and it feels less like a chore or something that requires mental energy and discipline: two things that I sorely lack and thus require extra effort to produce. Work was incredibly stressful. I have an international manager coming over next week to audit my section of the firm. There's about 10-15 engineers and just little old me to do their paperwork, send and receive packages and repairs from clients, and so on. I literally have 6 inboxes open at all times. Véry stressful. On the bright side, time flies by and I'm not bored ? The job itself is still rather unfulfilling. But I guess this is as close as I'll get to being challenged by it. So obviously I needed to unwind after work. I came home, dropped my ass on my lovely couch (still véry in love with it) and watched some Netflix with a beer. It turned into an hour and two beers. After that I went grocery shopping. Before I went in, I got a text from a friend of the ex's. She had told about us sleeping together and said friend was mad at me. I'll spare you the details, but there's obviously a lot more nuance and complex emotion going on and I'm not the type of dude to manipulate or push a woman into having sex with me. She's a good friend for wanting to stick up for her friend. But the situation was difficult enough as it was. I didn't need the beef. I spent about 30 minutes in the car, texting her. In the end, I just got some basics. I didn't have the time or energy anymore to actually buy food with dishes, recipes and planning in mind. I let go of the pressure of wanting to properly buy and plan my healthy meals. I'll figure it out along the way, I guess. After that, I was so distraught, I had to do something. So I ran. I got on my running shoes, said 'fuck you' to my injuries that I'm in physical therapy for and just went for it. I figured, if I'm going to be a bit self-destructive, at least do something kind of okay? I could have gone for the ex again, drank too much beers or worse. But I ran. And. It. Felt. Gooooood! Krav Maga had been canceled again due to the weather and I really needed some sporty time! I have amazing running shoes and some good music. "Die Antwoord". Big fan! I didn't time it or check how far I went. I just went to the park, started jogging a bit and just lost myself in the music. And every time the music picked up, so did I! I ended up sprinting the living hell out of myself. But I was so happy, proud and a little bit high. My stress had been relieved. Obviously, everything hurts now ? I totally overexerted myself. But I missed running and next time I see my therapist, I'm going to ask him all about my options. I enjoy it thoroughly more than my boring exercises. But I can't afford to fuck up my knees. It'll hurt tomorrow for sure. But it will be worth it. And now I'm here. Home again. There's still about 1000 things to do. But fuck it. I clearly didn't get any further worrying over them. So I try not to. One amazing thing that happened/I did today The running felt amazing. I missed being so fast. It felt like the old me. Like I was The Flash. Body/health Food situation is okay at best. Not bad. But not where I want to be yet. Also, my legs will hurt like a bitch in the morning. Worth it, though. Mind/soul The running totally improved my mood. I also try to fret less about things and learn to relax. Clearly that's important. But I also lose a lot of time. I guess with my crappy job and all of the challenges and obstacles, it's only normal I take enough time to chill out. I have accepted this. But there's still this fire burning in me that want to up the bar. What progress did I make today? Survived the day of work. Got groceries. Prepped the photo shoot for tomorrow. What went well today: Running! What I could have done to make my day better: I need to work on my mental managing and communicating with my True Self. I need to start having conversations with myself to figure out how I feel and why and stuff. What I will do differently tomorrow: Juggle my responsibilities at work. Be productive but not stressed out. Goals: Don't do anything stupid. Survive work. Don't stress out too much. Eat properly. Nail the photo shoot at work and win that Polaroid with my creative pic!

Well, buckle in. I'm a tad dramatic but I think I write in a bit of an idiosyncratic, funny way. Knock yourself out. I have pulled some weird shit in the last 2 months. Seriously, though. Your words truly humble me. I feel like I should print these out when my 90 days are over and create some sort of artwork or collage. Thank you. ? If there is every anything I could do for you, just name it. I keep getting pulled through dark days because of this forum. I would enjoy nothing more that repaying the service and paying it forward.

I'm really going to try and keep my true self in mind, man. As I said on your thread, that one hit home. I pressure myself a lot and don't give myself enough credit for my efforts and self-love. I feel like trying to get into a healthy relationship with that True Self is a step in the good direction. Thank you for setting me on a good path. And you have no idea how good it feels to, even if you're a random internet stranger, know that there's somebody out there that has my back.

Day 46 My voice is still raspy. I feel like it's a bit of a symbol of me crawling back up after last weekend. I am starting all over again it seems. I can't bring myself to do anything I set out to do 40 days ago. I crashed because of the amount of pressure I put on myself. So I'm resetting that. Right now, I don't HAVE to do anything. I'm trying to keep up the gratitude journal and this journal. I've slowly let go of everything else for now. I have Krav Maga tomorrow. It's been postponed twice because of the weather so I've sent the organization a mail. If I don't get to finally work out tomorrow, I just going to go running. I haven't been keeping up with my physical exercises that my physical therapist gave me. I hope he'll be cool about it. I started out as one of his most promising patients. The show I went to see with my niece was great. There were a tad too many teenage girls there. The front man is kind of cute and the success has clearly given him a big ego boost. I'd be the same in his shoes so I get it. But it just had a bit of a bad aftertaste here and there. The music was divine though. I'm véry happy I went to see them. It's a huge band that performs for thousands normally. Because I keep an eye on their Instagram, I scored one of the 100 tickets of this exclusive try-out. Totally worth the 30 bucks. I'm also getting more into photography. I went to an exhibit today about Korda; the famous portrait of Che Guevara? That was his. I truly enjoyed it all. But I also did a bad thing again. I have trouble letting my mind become quiet. I tend to distract myself often with music or Netflix or podcasts. I haven't started meditating again yet. Oddly enough because of my anxiety. I spent Sunday night at the ex's fucking so I only had a few hours of sleep. Monday evening I went to D&D with my friends after telling the kindergarten teacher that there's an ex and that I had spent the night. So I was home rather late that night too. I wanted some relief and a proper night's rest. I had the day off today... So I took a pill. I'm not fully sure what it was, but I think it's Dopamine. A Czech ex of mine once traded it for my Ritalin (another drug I had 'acquired'). It's no habit of mine at all, but some pills are useful from time to time. In this instance, it was a bad idea. Either that shit went bad from lying in my closet for 2 years, or I'm too physically frail nowadays or whatever else happened, but it hit me hard. Harder that it was supposed to. I was super groggy. At the exhibit, I was swaying back and forth and had to lean and sit down a lot. In a way this feels like rock bottom. But in another way it seems like I keep sending my own demons towards me, right in my face, whilst at the same time singing that I'll never die. Thank fuck, I have Krav Maga tomorrow. I can use a bit of channeled anger. One amazing thing that happened/I did today The concert was amazing! And I took some killer pictures. I always seem to be a bit more cheery whenever I make a good picture. Body/health Groggy because of the drugs. But I rallied when I felt the bass of the music through my body. Mind/soul Seeing the exhibit and the concert really made me realize that I'm a performer, a show man, an artist. I miss being on stage. And also, suddenly every song sounds like it's about love, new love or an ex. I hope that mind trickery soon stops. What progress did I make today? I went outside to do nice and fun things and made sure I ate. I also tried resetting the pressure I put on myself. What went well today: Going outside and feeding my artist's soul. Calling my sister for help when I wanted to talk to the ex again. I remembered to take out the trash. What I could have done to make my day better: Not take that goddamned pill. I threw the rest of the baggie in the trash. What I will do differently tomorrow: Enjoy Krav Maga and put my all into it! Goals: Don't do anything stupid. Survive work. Don't stress out too much. Eat properly. Enjoy the Krav Maga or go running if it gets cancelled. Don't overexert myself.

Day 45 I'm halfway. Holy shit. So much has happened in 45 days. I started quitting one bad habit after another, started picking up new good habits. And then I broke up with my manipulative ex. I moved out and started living by myself. I started looking for a job counselor and ways to improve my career. I started minding my food more and seeing my friends and family more. I signed up for improv and krav maga. I love where I live now. But I have also relapsed and watched porn after about a week. I have collapsed a few times. I have been drunk, sick, high, ... I have ended up in the bed of one girl, only to find myself in the bed of my ex the very same day. The former won't talk to me anymore, the latter won't leave me alone. I have called friends and family members to my aid. I have learned that I set my bar vééééry high and that I set myself up for failure. I have goals I am not able to achieve and am yet to change that part of me. I have learned that I am recovering from a lot of things, all at the same time and that I still expect myself to take shit in stride. Today I survived work. It was very busy. I almost didn't eat. The guilt was gnawing at me and the sleep deprivation was also a factor. Thank heavens I have a day off tomorrow. After work I went to see my podcast friends. We agreed to start podcasting again and I am véry excited about that. I'm still reeling from last weekend. But if this forum has taught me one thing, it's that it's more important to get back up when you fall than to wallow in it all. One amazing thing that happened/I did today Had a blast with my podcast friends. Body/health Very tired. But not hungry. Mind/soul Sad that I lost a great presence, the kindergarten teacher sent me a text that she won't see me again. I truly understand. But it still sucks. I feel bad for dragging her into this mess. What progress did I make today? I did not set any goals for the day and just took it an hour at a time. What went well today: Surviving work. Asking my sister for help, to see if the goals I set are realistic or not. What I could have done to make my day better: Eat more veggies & fruit and go to the store for groceries What I will do differently tomorrow: Sleep. And try to work through my chores/ to do list and try to not pressure myself so much. Goals: Don't do anything stupid. Go see a band with my niece in the evening. Recover from all of this mess.

Day 42 & 43 & 44 I fell. I fell hard this weekend. I fucked up, you guys. - Slight warning, there is sexually graphic content here - I had a productive Saturday. I now have a blender and a vacuum cleaner and I'll eat way more veggies and fruits now that I can liquefy them. Everything from this point on has lead to the fuck up so it's a minor good point. Ever since my cold feet before the day last Friday, I have had this urge in the back of my mind. I realized this girl was not going to be like my ex. There would be no familiarity, uncharted waters. No inside jokes and no guarantees of a good time. I felt awful for the kindergarten teacher. I was about to cancel, that's how strong that feeling was. I was afraid I would be moving too fast. It's been just over a month. That's too soon to date, I think. It kept fucking with me. During the next 48h I would get these urges, these tiny mood swings, these emotional waves. They would remind me of the ex and all the good times we shared. The laughter and the fun. Everything. I tried focusing on my rational thoughts. That there was so much bad stuff, I had to leave her. But the heart is a fickle and stubborn thing. I went from enjoying music and Tarantino movies to "OMFG, I miss her!" and then back to "ooh, I love this song!". That night, I went out with my friend after I helped him out with info about his proposal. We talked about rings, settings, words, ... It was great. I was happy to support and help him like that. We went to see a metal musician friend of ours perform. It was fun and great. Again, a couple of twangs of missing her. But I hit on a few girls and had fun. It was there that I felt myself get a bit more slutty, like I used to be when I was younger. I would hit on anything with a heartbeat. This is both a superpower of mine (I can strike up a conversation with just about anybody and be witty and funny) and my downfall (I will drop everything and everyone to talk to a hot girl, my priorities are screwed). I also told my friends about the feelings and the thought about the ex. They made me delete her number. I thanked them for it. I went home that Saturday evening and realized it was only 11 pm and I lived in the center of town. A buddy of mine was going out and I joined in. A smoking hot woman hit on me, I had a cheery conversation with a milf, and then my friends and me? We drank, laughed, shared stories, smoked weed and hash, drank cocktails and whiskey, it was a beasty night! Throughout this all, the kindergarten teacher kept popping up. We kept texting and I went over to her corner of the woods to say hi. My friends caught wind of this and, drunk as they were, started following us around for shits and giggles. Eventually she left and I went to my buddy's home. I was drunk and high and they kept fucking with my phone. They had texted her and she had replied. The sly devils had arranged that I could go and spend the night with her. I basically flew away like a supersonic jet towards her bed. The night was okay, we didn't fool around, it was just nice and tender and warm. The next day however... She had some muscle issues, vaginisms, so we didn't have sex. My dick went flaccid because of the pressure, excitement and the fiddling around with the condom and her too tight pussy. I never even was able to physically get in. My tongue however... She ended up cumming six times. Morning well spent, I'd say. The entire experience was like a hallucination. She kissed differently from the ex, her body was different, ... I did feel a bit slutty, though. Not long after that, the hangover hit me. I spent the better part of the day on the couch, watching movies and chilling out. Very suave day. I did end up calling my sister once again to talk to her about the urges. I told her that I had realized that I know the ex's number by heart. The thought of me being able to call her any second, broke something in me. Something that had been building up. She was obviously against it and talked me out of it. This was about the 9th time that I had called or talked to somebody to help me overcome an urge to call her or contact her. I didn't last the tenth and final time. I was reading this story on Reddit about a guy with abandonment issues and his girlfriend who forgives him for the crap he pulls on her and he forgives her for the crap she pulls on him. I read the whole thing. It was masterfully written. A couple of minutes I started writing my journal, this journal. I opened my laptop today and I saw the tab was still open. I had written 4 sentences. The last one was that I was being driven mad by the thought that I want to know how she's doing. That's when I called her. I wanted to hear her voice, joke around with her, feel our old connection still be here. We care about each other but we destroy each other. I realize now that this is exactly the relationship I have with my parents. They abuse me and teach me it's love, so I go looking for shit like that. I destroy what I care about. I'm a masochist, I think. We talked about everything we could think of for an hour and a half. The last half had lots of dirty talk. Something in me snapped. I was done. I didn't want to work on this journal or meditate. I was tired and angry that I had to pour so much energy in so many things. Coping with the broken heart, living alone now, no parents to rely on and having to do and figure out everything myself, dealing with the fact that I have no patience and want all of my challenges to finish fast, the detox from games and porn, the picking up of new habits and hobbies... There are so many fucking things that were stressing me out. All of them were positive changes that I still stand behind; but it was too much for me. It felt like I had spent over 40 days building this gorgeous and well-crafted sand castle. And on Sunday I was so angry that it takes so long to build something so intricate and beautiful, I was so stressed because of the spent effort and the idea that it's far from over, that I wrecked it. I told her I was coming to her and to get ready for it. I could have stopped myself or called a friend. I could have done a thousand things but I didn't. I wanted it. I wanted to crash, to feel the burn of shame and pain and regret. I wanted the sadistic bitch on top of my masochistic face. I wanted to numb everything and only feel sex. I wanted to flee from it all because it was so hard. And yes, I am proud and making big positive changes. But for one night, I wanted to say fuck those changes... It wasn't even good sex. It was embarrassing and degrading. It was a bit sick. You can imagine a normal kinky couple saying dirty things like "I want you to call me Daddy." or "Fuck me harder". Her thing was "Tell me you missed me." or "Tell me you love me!". It felt like she was digging her claws into her prey. I am ashamed and embarrassed. I broke. I went to the kindergarten teacher to tell her all of this. She deserved to know. I felt like it was the right thing. I told her about my addiction-prone personality, my parents and my fucked up way of dealing with love and sex and escapism and then finally I told her about my ex and the sex. She understood, we agreed we would remain friends but would not fool around. I am grateful. I just hope she doesn't ghost me. It would be well within her rights. I hurt her. Me not being able to deal with my shit, hurts others. A painful lesson was learned. Don't listen to your dick. Never stop fighting the urges. Chill the fuck out and don't put so much pressure on yourself. Find a way to relieve that pressure. One amazing thing that happened/I did today Had a great d&d-session. The shit of legends. Body/health No more hangover. Mind/soul Chaotic. Now I'm just tired. What progress did I make today? I fell hard. But I got back up. What went well today: Surviving work. Admitting everything to the kindergarten teacher What I could have done to make my day better: Be a more respectful human being and be more aware of myself and what I do to myself What I will do differently tomorrow: I'm not sure yet. But something will happen. Of that I àm sure. Goals: Don't do anything stupid. Go see my friends. Do something useful.

Day 41 Today was a nice day. Work was fine. A colleague brought some amazing cake she had made. I'm basically doing two jobs at once nowadays because another coworkers is on vacation. So I'm challenged a bit more. It's still boring crap. But at least it's diverse and the stakes are raised. I was nervous for the date. First it was kind of nervous and then suddenly REALLY nervous. Suddenly I realized that it wouldn't be like when I first started dating the ex. It would probably not be an entire evening of romance and odd things coinciding. Suddenly it felt like I knew it wasn't going to be amazing, and that I shouldn't settle for less. It wasn't going to be like her. I realized that this was bad juju. I was getting cold feet and a part of me wanted to cancel. I'm still not sure if it was because I wasn't ready for a new thing. But it was just supposed to be drinks. Nothing serious. I texted just about every friend an ally I had. I ended up calming down. I tried not thinking of it as a date but as just a couple of drinks with a new friend. I also hate cancelling last minute, I wasn't going to be that guy. So I went through with it. I enjoyed the build up. Getting ready, picking out the clothes. I'm an actor at heart so I love the process before going on stage. The date went fine. We had food and drinks and switched locations several times. I'm not sure if there's a deep connection but there's a bit of fun. She talked A LOT though. I have a lot of difficulty gauging the night. I'm not sure if there was any sexual tension or anything similar. I just went with all of it. We didn't kiss or anything. There wasn't any real flirting to speak of. But we did talk for about 7 hours straight. I guess I'll figure out how I feel and how I feel like it went tomorrow. At the very least, it wasn't a bad evening. Quite the opposite. I wouldn't have minded a kiss or something of the sort. She's really cute. But a part of me is also terrified that I'm rushing into things. I wonder if I'm dating too soon. It's not as if I'm dating with the intent of finding romance or sex. But it's also not as if I would exclude them. I guess it's a gray zone. One amazing thing that happened/I did today I lost a skeleton key to the company. After 15 minutes of panic I found it in a drawer. Dodged a bullet right there. Body/health Doing fine, to be honest. Nothing out of the ordinary. Mind/soul I was hella nervous today. My mind was going back and forth. I still think about the ex and the madly deep connection we had. If she had only treated me better... I truly hope she's changed. But I know it's a bad idea to go back to her. But what if it's not? I really, really miss her. My mind plays tricks on me and it's hard to maintain distance. I'm really unsure if I should contact her or not. What progress did I make today? Survived work, got something to fight the bugs with, went on a date and had fun, nothing amazing but nothing bad either. What went well today: Surviving work and surviving the date. The latter was not a mindfuck but it was a nice evening though. What I could have done to make my day better: Stress less, breathe more. I'm a bit of an overthinker sometimes. What I will do differently tomorrow: Try to let go of it all and just be me. And be happy with that latter. Goals: Get a vacuum cleaner, a blender for smoothies, do the chores I had planned and help my friend out with his proposal to his girlfriend

Day 40 I am being eaten alive by bugs... There are bites everywhere! Every few minutes there's something biting me. And I went out and got the strongest deterrent I could get my hands on. It chases away the mosquitoes but not all of the bugs that bite me are mosquitoes. UGH. Anyway. The weather is okay nowadays so I feel way better. I notice that my discipline and productivity is way up. Today was a boring day at work and everybody was clearly slacking. All of the bosses have overlapping holidays so nobody's really feeling pressured to actually work at all. Today was my own personal last day of slacking. Since a coworker is going on a three week vacation, I'll be taking over his job in logistics, combining it my my job at the reception desk. It's still rather boring. But at least it's the diverse sort of boring. I went to the post office to send my friend from the UK some chocolate, came home and showered because I was riding my bike like hell. After that I cleaned up the place. I didn't clean it yet, like with a vacuum cleaner or water, but now there are no more boxes or anything else and I have sort of started arranging the furniture how I'd want it to be set up as. So the place looks rather nice now ^^ There's still a long way to go. But there is no rush and I also have to think of my budget! The rest of the evening was spent either lazily or mildly productive. Nothing to be super proud of but also nothing actually wasteful. Honestly, if this is my default setting, the next couple of years will be great compared to my past! I've also tried to plan ahead a bit. I notice I respond better to lists of chores when it's done in small bits and pieces. So I made a bit of a schedule with some deadlines to follow. Gotta love 21st century apps! I'll also be getting my vacuum cleaner this Saturday together with a blender. This means I can clean my place and I can start getting fresh fruit again and starting every day off with smoothies. I'm trying to increase my list of great habits ^^ Krav Maga was cancelled due to the weather. I was honestly saddened. I was looking forward to it so much! It sucks. But just 1 more week without physical excitement is okay. My reaction teaches me that it was a good move of mine to start doing it. I'm more happy with having figured out that it'll be good for me than I am sad it got postponed. Kindergarten Teacher and I still talk daily. This is rather new to me. I've been reading some stuff on Reddit about dating and Tinder and stuff like that. At first I thought this would be a bit constricting. After all, we don't really know each other but keep talking daily? What are we, married? But I guess it was just a small freak out of mine. I enjoy our conversations and I'd be lying if I haven't thought of things getting physical. I wouldn't mind. I'm trying to not get my hopes up. But for now, there aren't really many ways I'd get to meet new people. This was just a social media coincidence. Krav Maga starts next week and improv starts in a month. I'll get to meet some new people there. But for now, this is all I can get. A part of me is a tad desperate, I'll admit. But I can see that for what it is and realize I have nothing to truly crave right now. But I would definitely enjoy a little wild adventure. One amazing thing that happened/I did today Place got all tidied up! And I asked 2 of my coworkers to come to my housewarming. That's a first in my life. I've never worked somewhere long enough to develop a bit of a friendship. Body/health I should mind my sleep. I have trouble falling asleep properly. I nod off because of the meditation but 10 minutes after that, I'm wide awake for another hour. I admit to having used Netflix twice this week now. I was desperate. This is also why I didn't work out this morning. I was so tired from falling asleep so late, I just stayed in bed for as long as I could. Willpower doesn't exist before 10 am. Mind/soul Very happy with my bike, my place, how everything is slowly going towards where I want it to go. Life is good. Not wow or amazing. But good. And when you're coming from addiction and a bad relationship, good feels fantastic. What progress did I make today? Did some paperwork, some planning, tidied the entire place up, lots of small things that took time and effort. What went well today: Bullshitting with the colleagues and surviving work. What I could have done to make my day better: Not too much really. If I had a better job, it would have a better day. But my evening was okay. What I will do differently tomorrow: Get something to combat the bugs!!! Goals: Enjoy the date with the Kindergarten Teacher. Try not to blow it. Be cool, calm and in control. Don't be nervous, there is nothing to fear. Be yourself and follow what your gut tells you. Stop and breathe for a second from time to time to put into perspective what you are unsure about. Just chill and ride the waves. You'll do great.

Day 39 I had wày more energy today! Waw! Lots of colleagues are back from their holiday. At least the fun ones. So more chatting at work, better atmosphere. I actually worked today! I (almost) had a fully normal day at work of what I'm supposed to do. I did spend some time on Reddit though. I also needed to send an email or two but I didn't get to it. All day long I noticed how considerably colder it was. It had dropped a lot! I felt so happy! I was back! Normal, non-lethargic, motivated me took over again! The big beach/lake event with the huge inflatables was cancelled because of weather and security issues. LAME. When I came home I wanted to try this new system. Do 10 minutes of some chore as soon as you get home, before you start relaxing. I ended up picking my bike from my to do list. I had to fix the saddle, the steering column and check out the brakes. I loved tinkering with it. I had some music on as well. I was totally in the zone. I didn't even think of checking if the 10 minutes were over. I just wanted to fix my bike and 'play' with my toolbox. After that, I felt so productive, I just went for the furniture and after that the trash. So I built my 3 other chairs and my new table! All of my furniture is out of the boxes now. I was enjoying myself. Loud music! Die Antwoord, Watsky, The RZA, Postmodern Jukebox, Run The Jewels, ... A little bit of everything but totally me. I was topless and having a beer. I felt so fucking masculine. I also made sure to take out the trash. That may not sound like much but there's a trash pickup strike going on. And because of the move I have A LOT of trash. All of the packaging, the cardboard boxes. It's more than 2 cubic meters of stuff. I put the in my storage unit. After that I cooked some pasta, prepped a meal for tomorrow and started watching some comedy and some Terrace House. After that I talked to the Kindergarten Teacher a bit, I showered and had a cold shower beer (This is a thing you must try!) and I basked in the glory of having been super masculine, planned out some stuff and set some alarms, having had good food and prepped for tomorrow, ... I truly feel like this is proof that it was the heat that has been fucking me over and not my personality or anything else. I'm so happy that's over now. I'm ready for this new upswing! One amazing thing that happened/I did today One giant wave of productivity and happiness washed over me after work, along with some beers and great music and a lovely shower. Body/health Healthy food is good for me! I hope the beers don't fuck me over, though. I know I'm sensitive to booze nowadays. Mind/soul I'm so happy right now. I'm also trying to be aware of the Kindergarten Teacher. We tend to talk daily. I've been reading up on FWB and relationships and stuff. I might be overthinking things. But I just don't want anybody to get hurt. I hope she doesn't have any romantic expectations for our date. She seems like a party girl but in my experience their hearts are fragile. What progress did I make today? Trash was taken out, majorly. Furniture was built. Plans for the next days were made with set alarms. What went well today: Surprisingly, work. And my wave of productivity after work went by like it was nothing. I was in the zone! What I could have done to make my day better: Eaten my apple at work. Comparing myself to my peers, I do have a boring ass job and it totally does drain the life out of me. What I will do differently tomorrow: Try to maintain this upswing and enjoy myself while doing that. Goals: Follow my set course of tasks, wake up and start the day with exercises. (Not likely but giving it a shot. Morning Me is a huge dick.) Go to Krav Maga for the first time. Enjoy it, have an open mind and be diligent.

Day 38 It's finally storming! It sound like a Nirvana concert to me. The rumble and the flashes in the back of the sky sound ominous. The heatwave should break now and I should start turning back to normal. THANK FUCK. I was so tired of feeling so exhausted and defeated and lethargic. My workday was fine. Some fun colleagues came back from holiday so it's a more cheerful bunch. We joked around about my dating life. It was funny. I'm used to being the one that sets up jokes ^^ As long as everybody laughs, it's fine. And I get to dole out a few jabs myself ? I went to the third job counselor. It was only okay. The second one still sticks out majorly. I don't feel like it was a waste of time but it didn't add any value either. I'll make my choice in about 2 weeks. I have my final appointment on the 24th. After that, my path starts anew. I went out for sushi and drinks with my D&D-buddies. We exchanged stories about the girls we're seeing, the shit we've pulled in the past, just joking around. Great dudes. Hearing the stories made me realize how crazy I used to be. I had véry spicy sexy times. A bit of submission & dominance, dressing up, spicy dates, doing it in public places, ... When did I get so vanilla?! I was told that the kindergarten teacher I'll be seeing on Friday will have a wild side. Something about repressed sexual feelings they can't get out at school because of the kids. Shit... If that's true. Sign me up for some crazy stuff! Hearing all of the stories had me hot and bothered. I miss doing crazy shit. Thank hell, I'm single now. So there was this bunch of girls in the sushi place. Cute, loud .... OMFG. IT JUST STARTED RAINING! GLORY HALELUJAH!!! Anyway. They were seated across from us. Cute, young things. I don't know where the fuck my nerdy buddies got the balls from. Usually, I'm the talker and charmer. But before I knew it, our delegation headed over there and invited them for drinks. They had to work and politely blew us off. But the act itself was so empowering. I forgot that I'm capable of this. I am able to walk up to anybody I feel is cute or hot and interesting and just plainly ask them out. Just like that! It's insane! I feel like I'm texting the kindergarten teacher too much. I'll back off a bit. The same goes for the Portuguese girl. It seems that when I'm single (or at least going through a break-up) I have only 2 modes: "OMFG, please marry me now." and "I'm James Bond, I'm cool and will fuck anything." I'm happy I'm not on Tinder. But I feel like I would really like to have a little bit of rebound fun with that kindergarten teacher. One amazing thing that happened/I did today I just stuck my head out the window and enjoyed the rain. Also my nerdy friends just walked up to a bunch of cute girls and asked them out. Body/health With this storm, I hope the heat will subside. Mind/soul I look forward to finding myself again after the heatwave has stopped. I can't wait to get back into an upswing like a few weeks ago. I need some new good juju. What progress did I make today? I don't think you could look at anything I did today as progress towards a set goal. I just had fun with my friends. I relaxed. I did come to the insight I would like a rebound. I'm open to that now. What went well today: Joking around with colleagues, joking around with friends. What I could have done to make my day better: Less heat and lethargy. But that's slightly out of my control. What I will do differently tomorrow: If the heat lets up, I'll try to do at least 1 thing from the list. Goals: Survive the day. Go to the beach/lake with my niece and have fun at the huge waterpark event. Maybe do 1 useful thing from the list, if possible.

Day 37 I feel like the days are going by so fast, it's all a blur. Today wasn't very productive. I moped around the house, slept, ate and went to D&D. I also spent some time browsing the internet because I felt sad that I wasn't being productive. I had agreed with myself I was going to sit down today and do something about that. Figure out what I needed to change and so on... I think it's the heat, to be honest. The heat and this girl. We're reaching the end of the second heatwave. Yeah. Second heatwave in a few weeks. Exercising has gone down the drain since the beginning of summer. I picked it back up again but I slipped once the heat started. Even my physical therapist said that it's a rough time for his patients. I went to sleep really late last night. I was so restless. My room was way too warm. And I've been chatting with this girl. She's from a couple block down. A teacher, loves plants, ... I'm getting to know her. And we have a date on Friday! She's a night owl, also has ADHD and is also a restless sleeper. So we talk a LOT. All in all, I guess I can forgive myself for the slacking. I do have a tendency to raise the bar impossibly high. I'll try to make a realistic or minimalist planning in the next days. Like, do 10 minutes of chores as soon as I get home before I start relaxing or cooking... Stuff like that. It also doesn't help that this is a period of flux. There are always crates, boxes or furniture where they shouldn't be. 2 more days. The heat should die down a bit by Wednesday... And I hope that by then I can turn over a new leaf and can restart the routine without having to battle heat, lethargy and exhaustion. One amazing thing that happened/I did today I had fun at D&D, I built one of the chairs, my bike works! Body/health Fuck this heat. But my food is healthy. Mind/soul I've been thinking about this girl. But not too much, and not in a weird way. I think my brain is just kind of fried. In any case, I feel rather happy when I'm not pissed about the chores. What progress did I make today? I built one of the chairs. I'm afraid that's about it. Hence my pissiness. What went well today: Continuously falling asleep. Didn't break the Gratitude Journal habit, nor this diary habit. What I could have done to make my day better: Probably do more chores or not procrastinate or exercise What I will do differently tomorrow: Just take the day as it comes. I honestly don't have the courage to properly answer this question right now... Goals: I don't have to achieve anything new tomorrow. Just survive the day without fucking anything up that I've created. So no porn or games, mind my water and food intake, ...

Day 36 Did not have a hangover this morning. I decided I could be tipsy but no longer drunk and it felt great. All the benefits I like without the mayhem it causes. Still takes a toll on my body. I never guessed that when you're 27 you would need a whole day to recover from a party. I messaged the cute Portuguese girl but her reply was minimal. If I never see her again that's fine, but at least it was a great conversation and lots of jokes. That was a great night. I wonder if I left too early... Maybe something could have happened? But then again, I'm confident I could not have done that to my buddy. I'm not sure if he had feelings for her or if it was just lust. In any case, it was vague enough to not make any clear moves on her. I've been thinking about seeing other people and it's still a bit of a gray area so it's better nothing was rushed, I feel. I ended up cancelling on my niece though. My friend called and asked if I could move some furniture around. He was the one who dragged me through the break-up. I owe him so many favors now. True friend. So when given the choice between helping him out or going swimming with the niece, though it's a sucky choice, I go for the friend. But he only needed me in the afternoon. So suddenly I had time. ... And there was this girl. I started talking to her a year ago. On Tinder and then on Instagram. It was before I had met the ex. I am still not on Tinder. Because I don't want to fall back into that old coping mechanism and because it's a tad artificial... On her Instagram feed I kept seeing her go to parties nearby and stuff. And she was doing this thrift shop festival nearby. On Saturday morning and I was debating if I should drop by or not. It's kind of creepy, I felt. I decided not to but I loved the rush of it all. This morning, though. I went for it. It was a two-day thing apparently and I was curious about her. She's kind of cute and funny, turns out. Uhm... Long story short, I have a date with her next Friday. We've started talking and haven't stopped. I have no sexual or romantic aspirations. But she seems like I could have a fun and interesting evening with her. That seems like something I might enjoy. So why not, I guess? She's a bit of a tomboy, a tad politically left and a tad odd. But I'm fairly confident it might be a nice evening. What could possibly go wrong? I've set up my housewarming/birthday party date. I'll take a day off to go snowboarding and whoever of my friends wants to or is able to come, is welcome to go. I might go alone, which suits me fine. And I'll have some friends over for drinks and giggles. I hope nobody breaks anything ? The cleanup might be a bitch but it'll be worth it. I just hope it'll be a fun night... Having parties always makes me nervous because I'm scared nobody will show up or it will be disastrous. I'm already a bit nervous right now... But I feel like it's important I invite people over and start this new chapter properly! My daily/weekly organization is getting messy... I notice I postpone of procrastinate a lot. I'm not sure if I'm planning things wrong, am being too easy on myself or maybe it's just the weekends or drinking that messes things up. But in any case, I'm not happy with it. I'm going to spend some time tomorrow figuring out how to deal with it. One amazing thing that happened/I did today I met the girl while thrift shopping, I made my first proper coffee and had a great morning walk in the sun. Body/health Seriously, the heat. No hangover and more veggies in my belly. Yay! Mind/soul My mind is less busy with the ex and more with myself and my chores and what needs happening. And since recently, girls... The jury is still out on that last new element in my life. What progress did I make today? I got a set of binoculars (prop for a photo shoot later this week). I'm afraid that's about it. I feel a tad guilty. What went well today: Enjoying myself and feeling carefree! There was a moment, driving home, where I felt infinite. The presence of this girl, the party from last night, seeing my friend, having a drink, the perfect music, the sunshine, going home to my favorite city in my new apartment... It all just clicked. ❤️ What I could have done to make my day better: Probably do more chores or not procrastinate What I will do differently tomorrow: Seriously think about the chores and how I organize myself. I need structure to function. But I seem to slowly throw it overboard. Goals: Clean the place up a bit and get the furniture delivered. I would like a productive day.

Day 35 Couple of things happened today. My wheelchair friend came over. We mainly joked about the darn thing. We went out for drinks, talked about what was going on in our life. I told her the entire story about the ex, I asked her about the wheelchair. I figured I needed to get the elephant out of the room and after it was smooth sailing. It was clear that she was still a bit eccentric. More loud or energetic than I am. But that's fine. I was a tad tired. I ended up pushed her blasted chair all day. That was véry rough. I do not envy her. I bought a second-hand bike. Mine was busted. Tire blew out. It's cheaper to buy a new one and I have a full year of guarantee, yay! I went to my friends birthday party. It was great. It was rather clear that my friend, myself and the Portuguese girl were the party starters. The rest of them were rather quiet or talked among themselves. I ended up going by car and not bike and I made sure to not drink enough to actually be drunk. I am happy and proud of that. I had a buzz going on and that's about all I wanted and needed. To me it's proof that I can maintain a healthy relationship with alcohol without overexerting myself. And then there's that girl... She was cute, intelligent, interesting and funny. But my birthday friend has a thing for her, despite him having a pseudo-girlfriend. I hanged back a bit, I didn't want to be thàt guy. I have respect for Bro Code stuff. But at the end, we were a bit flirty and I found her on Facebook. If he's cool with it, I might ask her to hang out sometime. She spent some time in Japan so I'll have 1000 questions at the ready. She's lives far away, like 2,5 hours away. With a little luck something might happen, if not, no losses. I also have been keeping my eye on this other girl nearby. I deducted from her Instagram feed that she lives a couple blocks away from me. She seems kind and caring and funny. I'm curious about her but it's weird that I see what she does and who she is through her Instagram. I'm a fan a regular human contact and getting to know somebody spontaneously. But I also don't want to throw away all of it. I guess I'm thinking about girls now a bit more. Things are growing more stable, slowly but surely. I wouldn't say that I'm lonely. I have a lot of social contact with lots of people. But I miss a bit of romance and flirting. I'm probably a bit rusty. But I miss being kissed and touched. I miss being wanted and being able to turn somebody's cheeks red. I said that I would be single for a year. But not celibate for a year. But I'm kind of scared that one thing might lead to another. It's silly to throw away the baby with the bathwater. But a part of me is terrified that if I start hanging out with girls, I will make my life more complicated and that's not what I need right now. One amazing thing that happened/I did today Had amazing conversations with a Portuguese girl a my friend's party Body/health The heat is horrible. But I'm fine. Managed to get the drunk thing out of the way. Mind/soul I notice I'm thinking about girls way more and I'm still figuring this new element in my head out. What progress did I make today? I got a new bike, made arrangements to go swimming tomorrow, got my friend a couple of cool gifts What went well today: Had a blast at the party. I suggested we play Circle Of Death. We spent a couple of hilarious hours. What I could have done to make my day better: I should worry less. But that doesn't mean I should be more impulsive. Maybe I need more meditation? What I will do differently tomorrow: Have a nice, chill day. But also try to prep for Monday when the furniture arrives. Goals: Go swimming with my niece. Enjoy the sun. Don't get burned. Clean up a bit.

Day 34,5 I can't sleep. I figured I would just watch Netflix and doze off. But the alcohol and my stomach had other plans. I first fell asleep as soon as I got home. I am madly in love with my couch. She gets me. After I woke up, I wrote the journal entry and went to bed. The problem is that I slept my buzz off. And that I had already taken a hefty nap. I wasn't sleepy anymore. So I watched Netflix, listened to podcasts, read my book, ... Nothing helped. I'm tired, but not sleepy. I wouldn't say that I'm restless. But it's almost 4 am and I'm still up. This is not like me at all. I should make sure if this ever happens again I either mind my alcohol intake or make sure I get to bed properly to start it off with. Sleeping on the couch is lovely but I have to make sure I sleep a full night. This is the second time that falling asleep on the couch has caused me some grief. It also makes me feel a bit like an alcoholic. Which I'm not. A couple of beers and I fall asleep ? A part of me would want to suggest to myself to maybe quit drinking for a while. Another part of me thinks it's folly. For the moment, it's the only thing I have that takes the edge off. I'm not doing improv yet, Krav Maga starts soon but not right now and my new job situation remains in a constant state of flux. I wouldn't say that I nééd to drink. But I feel like it would be a lie if I were to say I could quit any day and would have no issues. Maybe I'm overthinking this. Making a bigger deal out of it that it actually is. I just like ordering cocktails (flavor is amazing and refreshing) when I'm out and everything is so fun and cheery when you're tipsy. I guess if drinking is actually an issue, I will wake up to it one day. Clearly I'm aware of it and it's potential dangers, but I'm also aware of my magnifying things and being super critical of myself. And then there's this girl. Obviously I can't say her name. It's also not about the girl, it's about me. I'm a flirty dude. I used to talk for a living so I'm pretty good with picking up girls and being all charming and smooth. That skill developed into some kind of coping mechanism. I have had many girlfriends. I'm usually not single for a very long time. I used to be on Tinder before I met my ex and that's where I met this girl I'm referring to. I apparently kept her on my Instagram. She's pretty, dyes her hair, has a nose piercing. She's a teacher, great with kids, seems kind, caring and deliciously crazy. And I totally want to ask her out, hang out, get to know her, ... I saw on her feed she was 2 minutes away from me, at a local festival I passed by twice today. It took a lot of willpower to not go there and spark up a conversation. First off, it would have been creepy behavior. It would have felt stalker-y. I'm not like that and if I am or was, I don't want to be like that anymore. Secondly, she's not going anywhere and if she is, there's plenty of fish in the sea. I caught myself actually thinking "But what if somebody snags her up and suddenly all of the cool, cute girls are taken?". The idea that my identity and happiness are determined by another human is preposterous. And yet, that where my brain went. And lastly, I'm no longer like that. I used to fill the holes in my soul with sex, attention, tinder, drinks, dates, flirts and mindgames. A part of me seriously enjoys that. The mental tug of war. I always say that the best kind of sex is the one where you're never sure who's actually fucking who. And that kind of power, that level of ambivalent tension starts with the first conversation. But I vowed to not go that way this time. It's not like it gave me trouble or anything. I've never had a pregnancy scare, not a single STD ever, I always communicate properly what I want or how I feel. I don't want any broken hearts or bruised egos. But it takes up a lot of my attention and time. It would make my insides tingle, sure. But I think it would be a poor investment. Of course, this could be another classic case of my being hard on myself. I'm just not sure if I'm protecting myself from a bad habit or not. In any case, I was in a relationship for a year. It feels wrong to do something with another person so quickly. It's been only a month. I know that the ex doesn't look at it that way. She's on Tinder and living it up. But I want to be different from that. I want to be better than I used to be. I'm just not sure that secluding myself from these kinds of things is a good step or not.

Day 34 So I'm kind of drunk. I've been drunk before and I just realized that even under the most dire of circumstances, I've always let go of my daily routine (meditation, gratitude journal, physical exercises...) except for this diary. This diary and not watching porn or playing games has been my consistent maintenance of my vows. I'm rather proud of that. I've never given in to either urges or laziness in a long time. I've had more problems with porn than games. But I've never skipped the diary. ? So work was not exactly challenging today either. My coworker is gone so I had hoped there would be more for me to do. But nope. I instead started reading the D&D Dungeon Master's Guide. I'm excited! It sounds so cool to create my own world. I definitely have some creative ideas about use of magic and what kind of people, creatures and gods inhabit that world. I got to about page 30. So safe to say it was a rather boring day. I didn't get to send my friend in the UK the chocolate. It's a super hot period and the post office guy reminded me that the postal truck heat up a LOT during the day. It would become a rather liquid gift after an hour. So I'll wait it out. I got invited to a Glitter & Glamour party in 2 weeks. The prerequisite is that I dress formally and add glitter to my bushy beard. I accepted. There's already pictures of me somewhere with a glittery beard and I thought it was hilarious. I had fun at the company barbecue. But I can't hold my liquor anymore. I had a couple of beers and some wine. The steak tasted great. But when I got home, I crashed onto the couch and fell asleep for a while. I seriously love this couch. So I'll probably go to bed now. I'm going out tomorrow. I'm having lunch/brunch with a friend and going shopping. I have a birthday party to attend in the evening so the shopping is meant to find a gift for my other friend. It might be a tad weird. I haven't seen her in a while and apparently she's in a wheelchair now. I just frivolously assumed she's be fine with shopping and drinks and stuff. But I had to stop and ask if that was actually physically okay. She developed something in her spine, like a buildup of fluid. So the wheelchair is there to make sure there's no extra pressure on her back. It's able to tilt backwards and so she drives around town, basically lying down on it. She used to be this jumpy, energetic, improv girl with colored hair and a spring in her step. I had no idea how I should react to her casually mentioning she's basically handicapped now. I always advocated treating everybody exactly the same. But the shock of a friend of mine suddenly losing a major chunk of her mobility took me by surprise and I found a foot in my mouth. In any case, tomorrow will be interesting. I think I'll just address the elephant in the room first, get it out of the way asap and then enjoy the day with her. One amazing thing that happened/I did today Tasty barbecue at work! Body/health The heat still sucks. But I'm doing okay in terms of food & health. Mind/soul Every now and again the ex still pops into my head. I manage. Video games or ads are annoying/tough sometimes too. Porn not so much. I still masturbate regularly, though. So it all feels healthy and normal nowadays. What progress did I make today? I read the first part of the D&D-book about being a DM. What went well today: Socializing and joking around with coworkers at the barbecue. I thought it would be more stiff but it was okay. What I could have done to make my day better: Find a little project I could work on during working hours. The DM-guide is fun and all. But it doesn't make me feel like I spent my time usefully. What I will do differently tomorrow: Just let go. Enjoy me time with my friend. Maybe clean some stuff in the morning (because I'll obviously fall asleep after this and it's not even 11 pm yet and I'm seeing her over lunch). Not get too drunk at my friend's birthday party. Goals: Get the wheelchair elephant in the room out of the way and joke around. Find a great gift for my friend's birthday party. Not worry or stress about cleaning.

I do! And I just totally added it to my list! Thank you for the referral! There's this great quote from Suckerpunch that I love: "Everyone has an Angel. A Guardian who watches over us. We can't know what form they'll take. One day, old man. Next day, little girl. But don't let appearances fool you, they can be as fierce as any dragon. Yet they're not here to fight our battles, but to whisper from our heart. Reminding that it's us. It's everyone of us who holds power over the world we create. And finally this question, the mystery of who's story it will be. Of who draws the curtain. Who is it that chooses our steps in the dance? Who drives us mad? Lashes us with whips and crowns us with victory when we survive the impossible? Who is it, that does all of these things? Who honors those we love for the very life we live? Who sends monsters to kill us, and at the same time sings that we will never die? Who teaches us what's real and how to laugh at lies? Who decides why we live and what we'll die to defend? Who chains us? And Who holds the key that can set us free... It's You. You have all the weapons you need. Now Fight!"

Day 33 I woke up because of a nightmare this morning. I dreamed that I heard my front door rattle. The sound of a key being inserted into the lock in a way as if the person doing it had done it a hundred times. I thought to myself: "Holy shit, this is really happening. I'm going to have to defend myself from this intruder." I instinctively grabbed for the machete I keep by my bed (Long story short, it was a gift somebody brought back from Africa) and pulled it from the sheath. The intruder was nearing the bedroom. I slashed at the shadowy figure but the blade didn't cut, it was blunt all of a sudden. The blow didn't have any strength behind it. Suddenly, I was powerless. I could see who it was now... It was the ex. I panicked, wanted to scream but my lungs didn't fill up properly. She pushed me towards the bed and crawled on top of me. She had her way with me against my will. I woke up after that. I remember thinking how fucked up it was that I felt fear like that. That I had such strong negative emotions connected to somebody with whom I used to be so close with. I took a shower after that and let it all go. The day was boring as usual. I got stuff done. But I got more interesting stuff done in the stolen moments between coworkers passing by my computer screens. As soon as somebody's back was turned, I continued my secret quest: knowledge. Today I was able to read the entire Wikipedia page about Japan. I read about it's culture, it's history, geography, ... I loved feeding my brain like that. My job doesn't mentally challenge me but in the evening I'm so tired that I seldom do anything that truly pushes my to my limits. It's like it's slowly numbing me during the day and I need to find something to reset my brain when I get back home. This evening I had my car checked out. Everything was fine ? One less thing to worry about! I had to pass by my ex's town so I was a bit troubled by thoughts about her. I got home at about 7 pm. I cooked a proper meal with veggies and rice and meat and spices. I packed up the leftovers and froze parts of the fresh bread I had bought. It takes a lot of time, though. I still haven't been able to get this place truly clean. I did do the dishes and cleaned the stove. But it's so annoying that there's all these pesky boxes here. I did notice that I get more shit done when I plan ahead. If I put down a specific task in my schedule rather that accumulate a to do list, I find it easier to manage. So from now on, every Sunday, I'll take a look at my schedule for the week and plan some of my to do thingies. It wasn't the most productive of days. But I did spend some time simply getting the car checked and cooking and eating. I think about that week when everything went so smoothly. I wonder what's different now. I wonder what I need to change. I don't want to become the type of person who gets upset about exactly how many minutes I have to get shit done as soon as I get back from work. The ex was like that. I am way more mellow. But however stressed she was, she did get shit done. One amazing thing that happened/I did today I read the entire Wikipedia page about Japan! Body/health The heat is annoying. But I'm drinking lots of water and ate a home cooked meal today. I'm going to go to bed early today. Mind/soul Every single minute my inner monologue switches to Japanese. It's always been in English and Dutch, my native language. For as long as I can remember, English has been a part of me and the reason why I sound like a native speaker when I talk, is because my inner me speaks it to myself. But since this month, Japanese phrases and words have been popping in too. I feel like there's a true passion here. I hope I can settle into some kind of routine with my Duolingo, I want to feed my voracious appetite more! But there's so much to do that's a priority... What progress did I make today? Car got checked and approved, food was made and eaten, leftovers were saved, things about Japan were read. What went well today: Cooking What I could have done to make my day better: Stress out less about the to do list and pour it into an easier to follow schedule; also accept that a huge to do list, will take weeks of time What I will do differently tomorrow: Enjoy work (my colleague is gone so I'm his replacement, more work, less boring), crack some jokes with colleagues during the barbecue after work, Goals: Clean the place up to a standard where I can have a visitor over. Enjoy the work barbecue. Use the post office to send my friend Belgian chocolate for her birthday.

If you have any suggestions, feel free to let me know ?

I'm totally falling in love with 'Terrace House'. I watch it to see if my friend's stories check out. He spent a while there and told me stuff like how they can suddenly turn distant. He had spent a lovely and romantic night with a girl, they slept together and suddenly she wanted to go to bed so he needed to leave. There's a few other stories. Their culture in terms of empathy, politeness, etiquette and how they view and handle emotions is véry different. Fascinating though. Just watched an episode where somebody asked another person what they were planning on doing with their life. That person started crying because of the way the question was posed. WTF? In any case, it's super interesting to me. Kind of feels like it's an excuse to watch Netflix without feeling bad for procrastinating ?