Phoenixking

Days without games & porn: 23 So everything hurts. Krav Maga was brutal. I do feel battered and bruised but I notice a difference. I'm not as sore as I used to be after a rough practice. I hit harder and dodge faster. I'm still new and I still fuck up a lot. But I can take ànd dish out a punch now. I feel progress. I feel confident. And I'm aware of that and it feels great to be able to say that I've improved at something that's not gaming. Work was a tad more fun, mainly due to my colleague returning. This evening was rather uneventful. Making food and doing chores and cleaning up the place. I'm going to rehearse my poetry a little bit and iron some clothes. GF is coming over to watch a movie. Highlight of the day: My podcast being mentioned on another podcast. It's a comedy podcast that I listen to and sometimes write letters to. They read them out loud on the episode. One of the other listeners sent a letter and suddenly started referring to little old me! It turns out that he knows my name from my own D&D-podcast! How cool is that? He went on to praise it and it just blew my mind! Budget status: Paid 5,55 bucks for a bread and some cheese. I think I could save a lot of money if I went grocery shopping more. Food is cheaper there. I usually buy my bread fresh at a baker's and they have this fridge full of breakfast meats and cheeses and stuff... I could save way more if I just ate Nutella. It's like 100 sandwiches per jar, whereas a packet of cheese is only a couple of sandwiches. Or maybe I'm overthinking this... My one goal for tomorrow: After I visit my friend to help him out with his D&D character, try to mentally drop everything and write a couple of pages for my freelancer assignment.

Days without games & porn: 22 I started my day really early. An hour earlier than usual. I also went to sleep rather late. Both are because of GF. We had a morning date. We had coffee at the place we met. It was original, lovely, romantic and a great way to start the day after last night. I soon lost that extra energy it gave me due to the repetitivity of my office job. Tuesdays suck because my colleague isn't there so there's no actual stimuli apart from my boring daily drudgery. I kept losing energy. I felt like a rag at 3 pm. I feel so burned out. So empty. Everything feels like such a chore. Like there's this endless list of stuff I HAVE TO DO and it never ends... I've been reading a lot about burnouts and millenials. I need to keep an eye on myself and make sure I don't go batshit insane. Because I feel like a lot of this is a mental exercise. There's nobody forcing this on me. I just need some perspective, some change. Krav Maga hit the spot so bad! Omfg, I enjoyed it so much. I'm happy I went. I had reservations (laziness mainly) but I'm very proud I bit through that and went anyway. I arranged some stuff when I got home but mostly chilled out. Highlight of the day: That feeling after practice. Accomplishment for pushing myself to my limits. Beers afterwards. Being productive afterwards at home. A good evening well spent. Budget status: Paid 65 bucks for a big event for freelancers and storytellers. Full day of workshops and keynotes about storytelling. Also a networking event. I feel like it's a good investment. I got the early bird discount so that's pretty positive. Spent another 16 bucks on a ticket for a special comedy gig. I am strongly looking forward to seeing that paycheck arrive. I hate being so afraid to become actually broke. My one goal for tomorrow: When I come home, GF will drop by at some point to watch 'Unbreakable' with me. Knowing myself, I'll do just about 1000 things before she comes over. So my goal is to properly let go of everything as soon as she walks through that door ?

Days without games & porn: 21 I'm three weeks clean of porn ànd games. The latter is not longer a major issues. The former is ... different. I've been having a really difficult evening in terms of not relapsing. Work was boring, as usual. I actually had shit to do today so no secret personal projects. I even had a bit of training about learning to sell devices that measure particle size. It was all very difficult and theoretical but at least something that breaks the daily drudgery. I had a brief talk with my supervisor a few moments before. She mentioned being displeased with me and that I lacked focus and concentration (well, duh, you got me doing the most boring shit ever). She told me that she didn't want to get cross with me and that I needed to step my game up and be less chatty. I had a little bit of an internal giggle. So what? What would happen? She'd get angry? So what? Anger is nothing scary. Heck, even getting fired wouldn't be scary at this point, it'd be almost a relief. In the middle of it all she asked why I was so laid back and didn't take any of it serious, I didn't really have anything poignant to say so I blurted out that I just simply didn't care. That I felt like a number and felt very replaceable. That I felt like I was just expected to keep my head down, don't say anything that might disturb the status quo in any way, don't go in against authority and just do my job and sit quietly at my desk. She said that she was surprised I felt that way, was sorry I looked at it all like that and hoped that I would change my outlook on things. I found that all very silly and smallminded. She shouldn't be suprised because I told her all of this a while back during my employee review. And it's not my responsability to change my outlook. You want me to care about my job? Then do something with that information I just gave you. You're my employer, motivate me, help me care, find ways to keep my morale up. That's what leadership is: caring about others and helping them grow. I don't think it's difficult to understand why I feel like this. There's a boss that actually laughs at me, out loud, when I yawn because I'm tired because of all the work I'm doing. He literally made a whole spiel of laughing all the way back to his office after that small encounter. What a dick. That's not how a boss should act. It's ludicrous. The whole company management uses no positive reinforcement whatsoever, when something happens, you get berated or push down back to your place. Whatever they do, it's a negative backlash. Like a parent using only punishments when their kids mess up, but never building up their confidence. Sometimes I really, really hate working there. The boss reminds me of my dad. Blind to everybody but himself and his needs. Takes no criticism and takes the better part of stuff launched at him personally. They all seem like a bunch of emotionally handicapped nitwits sometimes. I set out to cook this evening, do some random stuff like ironing or go through my inbox. But I just couldn't... I could feel it creeping up. The urge to watch porn or some equivalent clawed itself up my spine and settled in the back of my mind. It's still there, right now, waiting to pounce. I can feel myself starting to slip. I stopped and breathed and asked myself why. Why now, what am I feeling and how to we alter it. How do we deal with this like a healthy, breathing, living person? I know I don't actually want porn, actual sex or love or inner peace is waaaay better. I want relief from the stress I'm feeling. The stress of the shit that happened at work today. Relief from the pressure of needing to to the household chores and cooking healthily, of needing to write and check my emails and so on... So much pressure, so much shit that needs doing. Sometimes it's really like I'm drowning in a sea of small tasks that feel impossible. I ate ice cream. I tried chocolate. I had a cocktail. I watched Critical role. I watched funny YouTube videos and scoured Reddit for a while. I thought of meditating but the scrolling took over. It's been hours now. I still can't shake the feeling of wanting that relief. I'd feel horrible tomorrow but I just want to run away from it all for just one night. I want to lose myself in some kind of binge. I know it's horrible but I can hear the monkey on my back whispering, flirting with me. "You have other nights where you can write, it'll be fine. Just one night. You'll feel better, I promise. You know you want to. You're stressed and you're not able to figure out right now what to do. This might be a bad decision. But it's normal to relapse. It's a temporary thing. Just one night and you're good for another few weeks. You seems so empty and sad and jittery at the same time. I could make it all go away and turn it all numb." -edit- I figured it'd be wise to call GF before I do anything stupid. I didn't tell her about the urge. It's a tad sensitive and a little private. I don't know her well enough to share this part of my struggles yet. The call did wonders for my mood. I was able to vent and share what I thought and felt. We've set up a coffee date before work tomorrow morning! ? I'm so happy. it's so romantic! We'll have an hour to cuddle and talk and drink coffee together! We talked about work. Her job is as boring as mine, if not worse. Employers suck. Nobody actually cares about what's truly important. It's all about profits, numbers and margins... Anyway, I'm happy and proud that I reached out to her instead of sliding into a bad decision. Highlight of the day: Calling GF and feeling the stress slide off of me. Budget status: I'm going to feel better when I see my paycheck at the end of the month, plus my bonus. And then I'll feel at ease when I see my writing gig getting paid halfway through February. Didn't spend anything today. My one goal for tomorrow: Enjoy Krav maga and give it my all. Maybe try and do something productive afterwards.

Days without games & porn: 20 Well, this was a crazy weekend! ? There was partying, discipline, my mom and some pretty serious love going around. I'll try and keep it short, but it was an amazing weekend. I met GF's friends Friday night. They all seem like a fun bunch of people! Afterwards she told me that her friends texted her and found that she had picked up a great and attractive guy. I was nervous to make a good impression, but it seems it's all going rather well. Her ex popped up, though. From what I've been told by her, he's a bit of an emotionally constipated egomaniac. Doesn't really thing of others and just does whatever he wants. I still wonder why that whole group puts up with him, but who am I to judge? When he reared his head, I kept my cool and was just not impressed with him. I'm very proud that I was able to focus my attention on dancing, having fun and being there for her if the whole thing went south. Her ex is part of her friends group. Some of them are torn because of this. He doesn't want anything to do with her or me. But he does tend to text her and was told not to come into the club towards us, but did it anyway. I don't think he's handling himself, his emotions or us dating very healthily. But it's not really affecting me or her. Emotionally, I feel strong and confident. I'm not sure he would, but if things go really bad and it gets physical? I've got my Krav Maga skills now to back me up. It'll probably never happen. But it feels amazing to be so confident about it all. She and I are doing great. We spent the better part of Saturday and Sunday in bed. Partly because of the parties we went to and we were a tad hung over, but mainly because of the sex and the connections and the talking. There was a certain point where both of us were crying in the other's arms... We both feel so safe and secure with the other person. We both try our best to listen, communicate and make the other feel at ease and loved. It's incredible. I never knew this was even possible! At a certain point she told me that she's so amazed by me. That my background should have left me shattered and destroyed. That it would have been easy for me to sulk, flee in booze or worse, be a way worse person that I am today. But instead I radiate fun and kindness, I dare to follow my dreams and ambitions. I try to spread love and joy into the world despite everything. She said that she saw and understood how much energy and bravery it all must have taken and that she was in awe of that and who I had become in the process. This is where I started to cry, held her ever so closely, buried my face in her neck and shoulder and admitted that I've always secretly dreamed of having a significant other seeing that inner strength. I always downplay that aspect of myself. My battered and bruised heart is still as strong as Hercules. It wasn't long before she was crying as well. Because about an hour later she was admitting her insecurities about her intellect or creativity. I eased her by telling her that I'd fallen for the warmth in her heart, her kindness and her acceptance. Through her tears she told me that she'd never imagined a partner being so supportive and loving. I held her very tightly after that. I think this a very, very powerful start to what could be a life changing relationship. I am very, very grateful. And then there was mom. My aunt gave a little family brunch thing at her new place and I'd been thinking of giving my mom some sort of a pep talk after hearing from my sister that she'd been doing awfully. Despite the beef we have, I still care about her and had set out to remind her of how strong a person she was. I am very proud of myself for being able to set aside my differences with her and speak up like that. It was hard, though. The first thing she'd done when she came into my aunt's place was berate the way it looked. That's not really polite, it's very rude and crass. Who the hell does that when they enter the new home of a close relative? My sister knew of what I wanted to say to our mother and suggested she came with. We all went into a separate room and my sis took the lead. I then continued after she's set the stage. Mom was rather.... unresponsive. Her body language could not have been more closed off. I told her that I wanted to set everything aside for a minute and express to her that I was worried. I asked her if she was absolutely sure that what she was doing, the partner she was with, where she lived, ... If it all was actually making her happy. I told her that she used to be this amazing, strong amazon and that I just want what's best for her. But she kept her upper lip firm and stiff. Despite her body language and the slow and subtle sobbing in between her words, the tears slowly escaping her eyes, she maintained that she was perfectly fine, everything was the way she wanted it to be, she wasn't aware that she and I were fighting and she even gave my sister a hard time for telling me how badly she was doing. She pressed on to say that said distress was for her to cope with, in the privacy of her own home, that my sister had no business telling me and that it was all just a momentary thing. My sister and I let go at that point. She wasn't budging. It was crystal clear that she was just guarding herself and denying that anything was wrong at all, to the point where it was ridiculous. I pity her. We have a therapy session in 2 weeks. I feel like she is the one that would benefit from it the most but sadly she's also not exactly excited about the idea. She's very much in denial. My sister once told her that she has a choice: be stubborn or be happy. I hope that one day she can learn to be a bit more at peace with herself and the way she feels. Highlight of the weekend: Tears of happiness, moments of deep connection, tender kisses and joy with GF. Budget status: Took out 60 bucks in cash to pay for drinks and such. I had a couple of cocktails. I could have saved some money there. When you have had a few beers already, you tend to get a little bit loose with money. I should learn from this to not take out too much cash at once. Also paid 400 bucks because of Japan. My travel partner has been fronting me and my savings account is partially meant to make sure I can pay for Japan so it felt like common courtesy to pay her a couple of hundred. The entirety of the trip will cost us about 2000, without souvenirs or food or splurges. I still reckon it's very doable since my bonus and my savings will pay for all of that, easily. They money I'll be making and saving nowadays is meant to make sure I don't end up broke in a few months when I'm part-timing and freelancing. My one goal for tomorrow: Not lose too much energy at work. Because I want to come home, cook and do some random shit and then get to writing! I'd love to have enough energy to get me through a whole evening of writing ?

Days without games & porn: 18 GF was here last night. I felt off. I felt tired, not myself... Maybe it was all of the writing. It uses up my mojo, my creative juices. I felt that I wasn't mentally there for her. I wanted to give her the best of myself, but I couldn't and that made me super insecure. We giggle a little bit over the fact that I was eating ice cream. I had a craving and I deserved a reward for my productive writing session. But the insecurity struck and made it all bigger in my mind. Suddenly I was aware of effeminate I was. I'm no macho. But I do martial arts and have a proper male body and a beard and stuff. I'm not the epitome of masculinity but I'm no androgynous type either. Not that it should matter, what the definition of male and female is, is totally relative anyway and you should just be happy with who you are and give no fucks about expectations like being more masculine or not. But it still gnawed at me. Despite rationally know it's ludicrous. It made me hella insecure, and what do I do when I'm insecure? I crack wise about it, to show that I'm fine with it, that I can joke around with it and be okay. But I wasn't. The entire evening felt off. But we talked about it. As we do (Thank heavens). We seem to be able to and actually talk about everything. We agreed we were probably going a tad too fast. We agreed that the previous 'I love you' was a tad too much but that it's okay because it felt right to both of us at that moment. It was a hormone-fueled nirvana-esque blur. And we'd not seen each other a few days, texted incessantly, so it had all gotten built up too much. It's also because it's all very new to us. We don't know each other very well yet and we need to take that into account. Both of us are used to being the giving party in a relationship instead of the receiving party. Suddenly, there's this new dynamic. Both of us are givers. I've read in books and articles about relationships and power dynamics that usually there's a dominant person and a follower and that we tend to settle into roles we're used to or are comfortable with. And that that can lead to healthy relationships because you are where you are used to being (sub or dom) or bad relationships like one where's there's some kind of abuse involved. But nevertheless, it's there and it's a factor to keep in the back of your mind. This is probably me overthinking this, but I hope this element won't be too huge a speedbump. We talked about this too and both of us got a tad sad and scared. We discovered through that that we really cared about each other and we didn't want to lose this, that this all feels so healthy and such a huge step forward. For both of us, the other is a clear break in patterns. She's used to macho assholes who tend to just do whatever the fuck they want and she's dabble along with them. Even to the point where her ex just kept her on the hook as a FWB but also trying to sabotage the friendships her and their mutual friends. She loves that I'm sensitive and such a great listener. I feel so comfortable around her. I'm used to a bit more conflict in a relationship. She seems to be so open, so kind and warm. I'm not used to somebody wanting to genuinely see who I am without expectations. I feel so oddly free. I get to be myself. And I guess that's why I freaked out. I AM a tad more like my grandma than anybody I know. I love baking cakes, eating ice cream, drinking red wine and talking about my feelings. Sex is just as much about the physical desire and lust as it is about how you feel and what the mood is like. I guess I'm just a tad insecure about myself because I feel so naked and vulnerable around her and that freaks me out a little bit. She's so easygoing, it's bringing out a whole other side of me. Not that I used to act like I was somebody else in previous relationships, but there's a clear difference I feel. We both notice this. We both acknowledge that we are a positive influence and a step in a good direction. We just both hope we can make it work, we're really keen to see where this could go. But we're both rather emotional creatures. It makes the highs higher and the lows lower. But we've both already found peace with that part of our personality. I'd rather be a candle that burns brighter than longer. In short, work was a tad more fun because the changes are coming. My replacement was officially announced. A colleague talked to me about training and education because I'll be helping him out in Sales. My freelancing is picking up. It made the day fun. Though I did splurge and ate fast food with my colleagues for lunch. I wanted to get rid of the thunderclouds in my brain from last night. When I came home I watched Critical Role, drank a beer, fell asleep, ate a pint of B&J's, more Critical Role and I totally ignored everything else. Kindness! Relaxation! And now I'll shower, shave and spruce myself up for a party! I'll be meeting a few friends of GF's for the first time. Exciting ? Highlight of the day: My colleague asking me if I have any experience in cold calling or scientific instruments and him suggesting we get together and he train me. Budget status: The bonus is coming at the end of the month. So I'll have to make due with what I have. Yikes. At least my next paycheck will be double with the bonus added to it. And my writing gig pays me midway February. So I'll have a nice, comfortable remainder of the winter before I go to Japan. But I'll still have to mind my money because Japan will be crazy and when I come back, there's still going to be bills to pay! ? My one goal for tomorrow: Try to let go of my fear of dogs and enjoy my walk with GF in the park with one of the dogs from the pet asylum thing.

Days without games & porn: 17 Work was annoying. Not because it's boring, that's no longer a shocker. But because I'm used to being able to pull of some subterfuge. I was just busy with a lot of stuff all the time. I was able to stealthily print out some pages for my poetry gig at the end of the month, though. I did little things, but I couldnt shake the feeling that I was really being productive in the sense that I wanted to be. I did manage to work on my writing gig a bit. I put in a lot of effort to not be caught with any illicit activities. So it's a tad hard to actually get any writing done during office hours. I had agreed to see the GF tonight. I cancelled Krav Maga because I just needed a few hours to work and write with focus and gusto. We missed each other so fucking much though. We agreed I'd write but with her in the room, just doing her own thing. Like a healthy couple should be, we don't want to be fused to the hip. So it felt like a nice idea. This resulted in a two hour cleaning spree. I was a tad pissed at myself that I couldn't just let my place be the way it was: a dirty writer's lair. But in hindsight, I do feel better now and it's a tad more efficient and feels better to write in a cleared out living room. I also didn't want her company to distract me but in the end she came rather late so we're all good. I got some good work done and I feel rather accomplished. I've got the bug now! I can't wait to continue my work! Next writing session will probably be Sunday evening. She's going to be here any second and I'm so relaxed. The place is clean, I showered, laundry is done, so are the dishes and my writing has progressed. I feel so accomplished! Highlight of the day: The feeling of relaxation and comfort after a day of work, cleaning and writing. Budget status: I had to dip into the savings. I hope my bonus comes along soon. I had to pay for an improv weekend in May. I had already agreed before this whole budgeting spiel. I am proud of myself though! GF had asked me to go to dinner next week and I was able to refuse! Old, people pleasing me would have gone with her but I held to my promise to myself and reeled it in. But later I discovered that she was meaning to introduce me to her friends and close colleagues at that dinner and that after that, they were going to go to this New Year's reception event at their workplace. So I kinda wanna make a good impression, stuff like this is important to me. So I agreed. It's not like I'm totally broke, I just have to watch what I spend. My one goal for tomorrow: Try and do something productive before I go out and celebrate the weekend and dive into multiple dates with GF (We're getting drinks on Friday with her friends, Saturday is a walk in the park with a dog from the pet adoption place, Saturday evening she's coming to my improv gig and we might go out after that, Sunday morning we have a free city festival planned. Note how more than half of this are free activities!)

Days without games & porn: 16 Work was boring as usual. But I am getting the feeling of progressing. My Krava Maga skills are improving, slowly but surely. And I printed out all of my poetry material at work today. I feel like the Krav Maga stuff came slowly. Very unlike games, which came with quick and clear progress. But it's not real and not lasting. Krav Maga however will not only save my butt one day, it makes me more fit and more confident. I feel like the progress it's given me is more permanent. It's a bigger deal. When I came home, it was hard to switch off. I have dedicated a couple of hours tomorrow evening for writing and I need to chill out a little bit. So my goal was to not push myself and have fun at improv and have an early night. It's 11 pm right now so I'll be fine in terms of sleep today. I drank a bit so I'm a tad tired now. I seem to have problems turning off my switch. I keep wanting to work, keep wanting to work through my freelancer emails, keep wanting to write or clean or whatever. I keep wanting to push myself and be productive. I'm happy that I didn't do anything like that today, in practice. But in my mind I can feel the major temptation to do my dishes, clean my place, iron my clothes, ... My new girlfriend is going to be spending the night tomorrow. I've given myself about an hour to clean up the place and I'll probably spend the rest of the evening doing writing. We just miss each other so fucking much. It's been 4 days and both of us are going insane without the other. This is such an intense love. I did agree with her that I'll be writing and she's totally welcome here but that I'll be busy. I'm not scared that I'd budge. I'm too proud an artist to not write and cuddle instead. But I am really happy to have somebody in my apartment while I'm doing stuff, though. Reminds me of the days I used to live together with an ex of mine. I like living together with a romantic partner. Highlight of the day: Going to this for getting special outfits and clothing. I was fitted and measured and dressed in clothing from 1840. It was so cool! I'll have the outfit for a few days. I am looking forward to it. Budget status: I paid for the costume & and for a freelancer workshop revolving around money management and mental health. I'm almost actually broke. I might have to dip into the savings. I still have to get my bonus, though. I just hope I get it on time. I'll make the end of the month if I get it. I feel like I should really stop spending any money soon but this well paid gig is giving me a feeling of security. My one goal for tomorrow: Do not sacrifice my writing time for cudding.

Days without games & porn: 15 The quest giver returned! He asked for more pages and offered more money. This shit is crazy. This gig now pays my monthly wage I make at the office for 20 pages of writing. I am fully commited to this but I'm scared how much time I have. I keep putting things into my planner. I'll probably skip practice Thursday to have an evening to myself to write. When I came home I immediately took to cooking, salmon and spinach. I ate some too but kept the rest. Light dinner is better when you've got Krav Maga. Practice was fun. When I came back I set out to do a million things. I wanted to write and maybe do a few other things on my list. I finished all of the social media stuff (not the distracting kind, the kind where you actually agree on dates, get gigs, do some PR, finetune some appointments, ...), I put in a load of laundry and hung it out do dry, I made a boatload of mashed potatoes, I collected and sent all of my proper poems I'll use to perform with soon to my work-email so I can print them out and I play Hot Fuzz in the background as part of my research for the police thing I'm writing. I was supposed to do only one thing, but I kicked ass at several things. But now it's really late again and I'll not sleep for a bit. So while it's awesome I progressed and finally took care of some stuff. And while I did all of it without being distracted, I failed at calming down and being kind to myself: I won't sleep enough tonight (again), I didn't have a proper meal today and was feeling rather woozy and I have another herpes outbreak. Clear signs of me neglecting myself and pushing myself beyond reasonable limits. So all in all very positive and productive. But just a tad too productive and lost a little focus on taking care of myself. That should be my goal for tomorrow. Tomorrow I'm shopping for special 18th century clothing with my former FWB. We'd already bought tickets to this cool ball later this month and we need a special outfit. After that I'll have dinner and leave for improv. It's a New Year's reception with food, drinks and games. I look forward to it. Highlight of the day: The feeling of accomplishment I had when I was ironing my clothes, while watching Hot Fuzz for research, as a pot of potatoes was cooking, laundry was drying and another load was in the washer. I felt so productive and capable of multitasking. Budget status: This writing gig is paying me about 2750 bucks. I get half that because of taxes. Together with my regular paycheck, I'm safe until the end of March, I feel. Big win. My one goal for tomorrow: Be kind to yourself and go home after you've had your fill at improv.

Oh, only a few weeks. It's all very new and fun and addictive. You know, the whole pink cloud part of a new relationship ? I appreciate your concern, but you needn't worry. I guess it's a language thing. Where I'm from, there's several tiers of 'I love you'. We use different verbs that basically mean the same thing, but in a more intense way. It's like the difference between "I like you" and "I love you", or "I love you" and "I truly deeply love you with all my heart." I guess our first tier would be just saying that I like her and the tier two words we exchanged would be more along the lines of "I've fallen for you very intensely". I admit it's all going rather fast. I appreciate you giving me a reality check. I totally need those from time to time. But everything feels very safe. We do talk ALOT. We're very open in our communication. Honestly, I've never connected so well with somebody so fast. But it just feels right, I guess? When I take a step back at look at it now, it does seem to be going a little fast. After all, I am the type that dives into these things and it turns out she's similar in that aspect. So that's totally a factor. But I mean well with her and so does she. We know exactly what the other feels and thinks because we keep talking about that. It's kind of nice to be with somebody who's as emotionally verbal as me. And she finally feels understood in that way because her exes were rather blunt in comparison to me.

Days without games & porn: 14 Waw. I can't believe I'm pushing 14 days with no porn... I still get urges on the daily. Not nescessarily for porn in itself, but just erotica stuff. Certain pictures, music videos, stuff like that... I have been staying away from all of that for 2 weeks now. It feels healthy but I certainly acknowledge that it has a definite grasp on me. Today was a productive day. I had a lot of energy when I came back from work. I made a little list of everything that needed doing. Once more it quickly became a long list. But I kept it. By the end of the evening I made sure if anything needed adding and I now have a mere 5 goals for this month and 2 bonus goals (as in, it's not bad if I don't make these but it would be nice). I learned that I needed to prioritize. My writing assignment is a big deal and I'll make quite a bit of money off of it. We're still negotiating but I told them I'd spend 30 days, give them 15 pages of proper stuff and would ask for 2250 in return. For a full month of work, that's only fair. It takes about 3 hours for 500 words if you do it well. It made me realize, if they would accept, that I'd spend a large portion of my time this month on this project. And that's when the social media, the notification, the chores and the dishes, ... it all fell away. It's not important right now. I shouldn't stress over this. Sure, it's nice to be in a living room that's clean instead of messy. But if there's nothing written, there's no money for rent. I feel so capable and productive today. Right now I'm tired as fuck. But I feel like I made good choices in terms of what's important to me and where should I spend time on. I think this year will remain focused around that fulcrum: getting enough gigs to build up the freelancing and finding the balance between what is important and what isn't. Highlight of the day: The mixture of emotions I experienced while watching a documentary about Robin Williams, while working on the writing gig and texting my GF. Sadness, creativity and joy all in a few dazzling minutes. Budget status: Slowly circling the drain. Almost out of money. I'd like to try and make the end of the month without dipping into my savings. I'm pretty sure there's some money coming in next week, depending on how fast the paperwork of the bonus I got will go. It's about 1000. Enough to make the end of the month. Gasoline and internet got paid, dinner with my friends this weekend was expensive. I should watch out what I spend when eating out, this is clearly a cost I need to cut down a little. My one goal for tomorrow: Cook! Salmon and cream spinach. Bonus goal: Do something from the list after Krav Maga practice.

Days without games & porn: 13 I had declined to go into the city with my friends. After we'd come home Saturdaynight, they wanted to keep the party going. But I had podcast tapings on Sunday so I acted like a responsible man and figured my voice could use some rest. I woke up with a throat sounding like somebody was rubbing two-week-old bread against a rusty cheese grater. My voice hasn't been the same since the week before Christmas, when I crashed the last time. I think I'm still not giving my body enough R&R. I did learn today that it's not about my huge workload. There's àlways stuff to do around the house, concerning my career or body or diet or friends, ... It's about priorities. I should try and discern a bit more what's truly important to me and act on that. Obviously there's the freelancing, D&D makes me happy too, this forum is a priority for me and so are my friends and my GF. Everything else is trivial. Important stuff like groceries or doing the dishes, sure! You can't get around that. But social media, arguments, and so on... I think I'll take this lesson to heart and try to focus on what is important and makes me happy and is good for me and try to let go of stuff that doesn't really matter all too much. I haven't figured out which is which, though. I assume wisdom will come overtime. The podcast taping, apart from my raspy voice, went great! It was an amazing session that I'm very proud of! I can already notice the fans responding more and more. We're growing exponentially. It's amazing to be a part of! I ended the day at the GF's. I was supposed to go home and cook, clean my place up a little bit and work on the writing assignment I'd gotten. We kept texting and texting and finally I caved into the urge to see her. We agreed we're loose cannons and that we should minimize our encounter to 1 hour. This soon became 1 meal. We made pizzas and drank cider while listening to great music and having dinner. We ended up on her sofa, cuddling and whispering sweet nothings. I didn't want to go home. I didn't want to be serious. I just wanted to curl up into that lovely human being's lap and pretend the winter's cold snap doesn't exist. We talked about how we felt. How we both viewed things and how we think relationships work, why and what we'd need. We talked about money and my career, about exes and how flirty I am and how I'm still close friends with some of my former friends with benefits. I felt so naked. I did my best to answer everything as truthful as possible. She didn't want to have her heart broken and I didn't want to be responsible for that. She asked me if I was sure she wasn't just some 'filler episode' to fill up some hole in the tv-series of my life. I admitted to using flirting and relationships as a form of coping. That that was thé reason I wanted to remain single for a while and that I had already let go of that idea when I met the ex. I thought long and hard and eventually figured out that the reason why I wanted to be single was to protect myself. I wanted to work on myself and figure out my future, I didn't want another relationship where I'd lose myself in it. I wanted something real, I wanted to become more authentic and connect more with people. Real stuff, not through Tinder or social media. It was scary. I felt so vulnerable and uncomfortable and naked and fragile. But I told her how I saw things, as honest as possible. It was something I hadn't thought of. What if it all was an elaborate lie I had been telling myself? What if this one wasn't different at all from the others? What if this was just me continuing my old patter of using relationships to escape my problems? But I'm facing my problems now. I try to tackle stuff daily. I'm doing what I love now and I won't be held back. I am stronger now, more in touch with myself. And I didn't feel like I lacked connection with anybody. I didn't feel lonely. Sure, I missed romance, but not to the point where I'd actually go looking for a relationship to compensate that. I like the rush of falling in love as much as the next guy, but the way we talk, the way we both view the world? It's not something we're both telling ourselves to cope with other stuff. We agreed that it all felt too amazing, everything clicked too well to just be some random temporary thing we would use to patch old wounds up. It felt too powerful, our heartbeats too fast, our words too poignant. We both want to see where this leads. You can never be sure of the future, but you can at least figure out who you'd be compatible with. That's when our first "I love you" happened. It felt natural and safe. We spent the night at my place and I did feel a little bad for not writing and working on the assignment. But I also strongly feel that it was worth it. Love is important. In this instance, I felt it was okay to let the career come second for a night. I had spent al day being creative and funny on the podcast. We taped 4,5 hours of content. It's official. She's my girlfriend now. Highlight of the day: Hearing her say that she loves me. Budget status: No money spent, had a homecooked meal with the GF. My one goal for tomorrow: Kick ass after work and get to writing and creating and getting shit off my to do list!

Days without games & porn: 12 I woke up at a proper hour, for a Saturday, at the GF's. She was going to a brunch so we got up, I got a coffee and started my day. I mostly dawdled around the house and on my pc. I now installed StayFocusd again to limit my time on Facebook, Twitter, Youtube and Reddit. Mindless scrolling and scouring through infinite tabs is a bit of a timewasting issue for me. I hope to mitigate this now. I left for the VR-session and dinner with my friends. It was great! The VR-game was laggy and buggy as hell, but the cool friends make it worth it. We had lots of fun and ate SOOOOO much. The wine flowed like crazy. I kept texting GF through it all and my friends asked about her. We all agreed to set up something where she could meet them and vice versa. I get butterflies just thinking about the idea. This prompted a pretty serious conversation with my friends. Two of them are married. Another two of them are expecting a kid in a few months. Another two are a couple. And then there's the girl I hooked up with, she and I have history romantically. So the conversation really hit home. They mentioned my ex, and my career choices. They shared their opinion about my ex and my behavior towards them. They said that I was lucky that they were so flexible and forgiving because I just basically disappeared for a year when I was with the ex. And despite that, they welcomed me back without any fuss. I had to give it to them, that's mighty fine. Then we talked about relationships and love and how this GF is a clear break in my patterns of dating. But my friend noted that right now it's a fun honeymoon period, everything is great. But my choice of career, combined with all of it's insecurities and lack of predictability, is not for everyone. He advised me to keep in the back of my head that she should be a person who should be able to find peace with a partner who doesn't have a stable income and a wobbly career. I have so many plans and so much ambition. But he's right. Despite being capable, wanting to plan stuff, write the blog, become a coach or a motivational speaker, and so on... There's no guarantee anything will work or be stable. I might be able to achieve a proper, solid, stable lifestyle by 40. And then I'll live the dream! I'll do what I'm good at and what I love and what will improve the world a little bit. Pure 'ikigai', as the Japanese would say. But a partner with such a life? That's not for everybody. I didn't like him showering me with reality like that, I'll be honest. But that doesn't make him any less right... Highlight of the day: The chocolate cake at the restaurant. Holy shit, that was amazing. As was the wine. As was discovering that they accidentally gave us a 20% discount. Lots of bang for our buck! Budget status: I was able to let go of my worries and just enjoyed the day and evening with my friends. We ended up getting major discounts on our bills. The VR park accidentally didn't bill my drinks or food. The restaurant gave our bill a 20% discount. Yes, I spent money. But I both had a blast, a great talk and serious value for my money spent. My one goal for tomorrow: Do a good podcast episode! And get up in the morning and try to do something productive, apart from the podcast taping.

Thanks man. I try to be as brutally honest as possible. I feel like this forum is a safe place, for one thing. For another thing, I'd like to think that in some way maybe some of my struggles would inspire or help out somebody who's in a bind. Nobody rised to glory and victory overnight. It's a long, slow struggle. There's no need to sugarcoat anything, especially not on a forum like this. I do think that, without her realizing, the gf helps me out with the whole dopamine issue with porn. In an odd way, she's my fix for now. I just hope I can use her as a crutch for now but will find peace with a life without any porn in whatever way possible at some point. I still get urges on a daily basis. The call does indeed sound like a crazy cool opportunity. In a way, if I do it amazingly, I'd probably get to write and develop more narratives. It's a good company, it has it's flaws, but for a creative dude, it can be a solid source of income. I'll do my best. And thanks for the tip! I was thinking of contacting a writer-friend of mine too. I have my D&D podcast tomorrow too, I'll ask them for some guidance. The DM is amazing in terms of worldbuilding and storytelling, he'll be able to tell me something about the time required to come up with cool ideas and write them out. My other podcast friend is a communication manager, I'll ask him about pricing and so on.

Days without games & porn: 11 Work wasn't especially fascinating. I kept mulling over my money issues. Should I actually get a roommate? Is my problem thàt big? Is there still time to save my ass? I try to tackle one goal per day so it's possible? Maybe if I just do enough? Try to get my website up in a week or two? Start the blog right after that or maybe combine them? I kept switching between panic and control, between fear and having faith. At 4 pm I left work to go get a gift certificate for my friend's birthday. I was having dinner with a few friends later that day. I felt a tad guilty because money should be spent wisely, not broadly. But I figured I'd just make sure whatever plans I made from now on, I'd be mindful of my spending. I didn't want to cancel too much stuff. So I showed up to the reservation, had burgers and laughs and drinks with my friends. It's important for your mental health to not let your worries overtake you but you must also take what worries you into account. I hope I struck a proper balance in between those two, saving money and cancelling stuff and letting other stuff slide. Then I saw something on Facebook. And I also got a call. And I also got a notification. The notification was for 2 poetry gigs, back to back, each one paid properly. I'd do a couple of poems with two or three other members of this poetry label I'm a part of. I'd get paid 90 bucks twice, no taxes (because artists don't really pay a lot of taxes and there's no real government body in existence to even check up on it if they did). So that was a nice surprise. It's not a big amount, but I'd get to do what I love, cement the relationship with the label and maybe grow a bit as an artist. It's a small start but a start nevertheless. The thing I saw on Facebook was a movieposter. With my face on it. I had spent a summer in The Netherlands doing a fun movie with a laid back crew. Something about a writer having writer's block and falling in love in the middle of it. I was the lead. It was all crowdfunded and took a loooong time to get done because of money issues. Apparently they finished it after 2 years and the premiere is next week. I already got paid 2 years ago, so no paycheck is coming. But it's nice to be able to put that on your resume, maybe get some shots for my reel, ... And finally, the call... This is a doozy. So I'm part of this thing, it's basically an escape room, but inside of a huge panoptic prison. There's about 400 participants and about 100 actors. It's an insane experience. The boss called me up and said he's working on a new idea, set in an abandoned police office. He's location scouting next week. He talked me through the idea and wants me to write for him. I get to flesh out the stories and characters. I was too hungry for work and money to say no, despite not having a lot of experience. But my background in acting and improv and my huge nerd boner for D&D and storytelling all point towards me being able to pull this off nonetheless. I have to give him my terms by the end of the weekend. Deadline, paycheck required, time required, how many scenes I'll be doing, ... It's exciting but also crazy and terrifying. How the hell do you pour something so vague and artistic into precise, concrete facts? How do you define what your work as a writer is worth? I didn't clean up as much as I wanted to. But I had something productive happen to me, so I kind of let it slide. After the dinner I spent the night at gfs again. Highlight of the day: The phone call. Budget status: Feeling a little bit more positive. Not going to cancel any dinner plans I already made. But I will probably not go out to eat for the remainder of the month or something like that. My one goal for tomorrow: Try and do something productive, despite having a busy day. If not possible, enjoy the day nevertheless. (I have plans to go to another city with my friends, have dinner, play VR games and get drinks. It'll probably take up the better part of the day and I have my D&D podcast Sunday so I might beat myself up a bit for not finishing the cleaning AGAIN. So I guess my goal would be to let go of that pressure on myself?)

I scoured Reddit for a proper system. But they all felt very complex. For now I'm just tracking my spending day by day. I assume that after a month or three months I'll get a pretty accurate view of what the current situation is, in detail. And then I can figure out a system to save money. I learned from Reddit to track my monthly bills, set them to auto-pay and track my monthly income. Then substract a percentage from the money I have available after bills each month and use that to save up an emergency fund. With the remaining money, I'll do whatever. The major thing will be the variability of my income. My part-time job will cover the rent and my power bill and internet, I hope. I'll probably also be able to use for half a month of groceries. So I'm pretty sure I won't go homeless or starve. But if the freelancing goes to shit, I'll have to be véry aware of my spending. Thank god I've been poor before, so I can take a punch. But it's my intention to shine! I want to make MORE than what I make now with my full-time. I don't want to drop my standard of living one inch. On the contrary, I want to keep that status quo and start saving up lots for my future.

Days without games & porn: 10 Today was spent in a little bit of a panic. I'm not used to seeing so many bills. Because of the part time work I'll be doing, I'll have to make due with half a paycheck and get the rest out of my freelancing. It's not like I already have a bustling freelance life. I tried to get everything in order but then I crashed because I was clearly overexerting myself. The day job takes too much energy because it's soul sucking. So I took it down a notch, but now I fear I'm not doing enough. I will lie awake for a few nights contemplating options, getting a roommate, selling my car, ... Stuff like that. It's scary. This freelancing is what I'm meant to do. It's my Ikigai. But it's going to be hard to attain. I'll have to sacrifice things I'm going to hate parting with. I'm genuinely uncomfortable. I DON'T want a roommate. I want to keep my car. But I'm not fully sure I'll get by every month. I've been told this is a normal worry for freelancers. But that doesn't make it any less terrifying from time to time. I'm not going to cancel my fancy trip to Japan. It'd kill me. It's my dream to go there. But I will no longer go to dinner or go out. That seems like an unnescessary expense. It's going to limit my social life a little bit. But I guess that's healthy since I'm never home in the first place. I'll get some more R&R and more free time to work my the stuff I need to work on. For now I'm holding onto my one-goal-a-day. There was no Krav Maga today but I did manage to tidy the place up a whole lot more. It's not done yet. I spent about 1h30 recovering, browsing and chilling when I got home and then spent the rest of the evening doing the dishes, laundry and talking to the gf on the phone. I feel like I can find peace with how productive I've been this evening. We just finished calling. I'm going over to hers to help her out with her D&D character. It needs a bit more depth and she needs to select her spells. I love D&D. My inner storyteller always has so much fun with creating characters and stories. And it's free! Maybe that's my solution to the money problems and worries ? more D&D! It's social, lets me escape my problems, can be therapeutic and so on... For real though, I've been playing with so many ideas like being some sort of D&D therapist (it's a thing!) or a dating coach. I definitely want to start that blog too. I have sooooo many great ideas I'm both eager to explore and would benefit my skillset! But I think this year will be the year I explore my soul and my skill and career by sacrificing finances and social life. And that's a bargain I haven't truly found peace with yet. Highlight of the day: Phoning gf and talking about her D&D character. Budget status: Rent came off. I only have a couple of hundred for the rest of the month. I have to use it to pay electricity and internet. SO MANY BILLS. It's the 3rd and I'm already almost broke! I have a birthday tomorrow with a dinner and the day after is drinks and VR-games and dinner. Next week I have to pay for a trip I'll be making with friends in May. I already cancelled a trip to Scotland in the summer, just in case I'll be in actual trouble by then. I have savings. I'll not die. I just worry about managing my money because it seems to be gone so fast. My one goal for tomorrow: Get a small gift for my friend, arrange social media posts for my D&D podcast and if possible, finish tidying up the place and prep for maybe having gf over. This song has been stuck in my head for days. I thought I'd share ?

Yeah, I was suprised as fuck. And upset. And anxious. My hands were tied! I feel like if I had defended myself, it would have implied that the things she said were true facts. But they were overexaggerations and some of them either lies or seriously biased opinions of somebody she only partially knew. I'm proud that I kept it together. My job coach once told me that some day I could be a calm, cool and collected person, a rock, a safe haven for people. I know understand what she meant and see that there's been a big change in me when there's conflict around me. Thank you ? I very strongly agree with your point of view. I'm just going to keep on being myself and act the way I feel my integrity tells me to. It's all we have, our integrity, and it sells for so little sometimes. It's the smallest part of us, an inch. But within that inch, we are free.

Thank you for not relapsing. ? One day at a time, buddy. One day at a time.

Days without games & porn: 9 I fell asleep with my laptop again. I know it's not healthy. But I'm trying to do so many things at a time, it felt okay to let this habit slip for a while. It's going to take discipline and energy to kick this habit and pick up books instead. So for now, I'm being mild in this aspect. Work was boring except for 1 thing. They found a replacement for me. She starts on the first of next month. I'll have 1 month to train her before she actually takes over. After that, on the first of March, I will be working part-time at the same company but doing social media and sales (way better than my current administration job). I'll have two more days, each week, to myself. I intend on using this for self-education, being happier, freelancing, writing my self-improvement blog called 'Happiness Enabled' and worrying about what bills to pay. I'm equally excited as I am terrified. How the fuck am I going to keep everything afloat? A forty percent pay cut. What was I thinking? I'll need to step my game up and make sure I have enough freelance work to compensate. Honestly, I'm actually terrified. I know all freelancers go through this but holy fucking shit. I'll probably have lots of sleepless nights. It'll probably be worth escaping the hellhole office job. I'm stoked. I'm astounded. I'm scared shitless. I didn't clean up the place. I was rather tired when I came back. Working a full day doing shit you hate and is mindnumbing really does a number on ya. I left after about 45 minutes of recovery time. I scoured social media and reddit. Then I went shopping for groceries. I overdid myself and bought too much. Luckily it's all stuff that I can put in the freezer or stuff that doesn't spoil like cleaning supplies. But still, 250 bucks worth of shit. I feel weird. I didn't end up doing what I said I wanted to do: clean this place up. Instead I watched videos on Youtube about stuff I like. Marvel films, Netflix, ... I felt tired so I said to myself it was okay to slack off. It feels weird. Especially after the news today I feel like there's this Damocles' sword above my head. Usually I thrive under pressure. Right now, I dont really know what to do with myself. I assume this feeling is temporary. The day I heard that my request for a part-time job was accepted, the same thing happened. I don't think that I'm scared because I'd not be capable. I'm scared that I'm capable and will slack off or fail or not work hard or smart enough at this. Sometimes it's so hard to not reach for porn. It's so easy because of the internet. There's so many enticing models on Instagram. Commercials and ads use all kinds of hot women to fuck with your head. Sometimes it feels like everything is a trigger. Highlight of the day: Talking to gf about her new piercing, about D&D characters and about seeing her Friday night after her D&D session has ended and after my friend's birthday dinner Budget status: I spent 250 on groceries. I track my spending using my debit card. So I compensated a tad using some cash I got from grandma over the holidays and my meal card I have from work that allows me to spend about 150 or something per month on food and groceries. That cut it down to about 70 ish. My one goal for tomorrow: Enjoy Krav Maga and spend at least 20 minutes cleaning up the place.

Days without games & porn: 8 I woke up in nirvana with the gf. Cloud nine. There was sex, great music, more sex, a nice hot shower, more great music, jokes, stories, ... This girl is absolutely amazing. I also haven't thought of porn in days. But I've been very busy for a few days too and gf is kind of insatiable. I'm very happy the cravings are being kept at bay but I must stay vigilant. I left for home to get greasy hangover food into my body and watched Bird Box. And then it hit me. The sadness of my sister telling me how bad my mom had been doing. How sad and unhappy and stressed she's been. My heart wept for her. We don't get along and there's much repair needed, I still stand by the fact that she needs to treat me better or the chasm will only keep growing. But that doesn't mean I wish bad things for her. She used to be so strong and healthy. She's just a shade, a fragment of that proud, tall standing woman she used to be. I am determined to give her a piece of my mind and tell her she's not living up to her full potential, that she deserves a better life, to be happier and healthier and that she's way stronger than she thinks she is. She used to be a badass mother. And I want good things for her. I was leaving for my family and I was mentally strapped in to face my mom and give her some love, without losing my footing on the current beef we're having. She wasn't there, though. But I ended up talking things over with the family members. They all agreed. She's clearly not happy. I might write her a letter or something one of these days. Somebody has to do something for the poor woman. Kids shouldn't be taking care of their parents. But she doesn't really have any friends because she's not very social. And I can't let my mom remain unhappy. Gf and I keep texting each other. We admitted to having completely fallen for each other. I'm in love. I feel amazing. I hope I can see her soon. I didn't expect to miss her like this, only hours after having just seen her. (Also, sorry I keep mentioning her and the whole love thing. I'm just over the moon. I hope it won't get tedious.) Highlight of the day: Waking up with gf and spending the better part of the day in bed, talking and being together. Budget status: I have been spending a tad much on eating out and having food delivered. I should cook more (but I haven't been home for a while) My one goal for tomorrow: Survive the work day and muster up the courage to clean my pig sty of an apartment!

Days without games & porn: 7 I slept in laaaaaate. I have a big, long list of chores that I'm ignoring. It's the holidays! And I'm trying to not be too demanding of myself. I've been feeling stronger and healthier lately. When work starts again, I'll probably need that energy to survive the flacid office culture. I was preparing myself to go and see the gf. She was going to introduce me to her friends and I promised her a New Year's kiss that would blow her away. I planned on donning a suit and making a great first impression with her friends. She was excited to introduce me. I left for the theme park my friends and I were planning on spending the evening and night. We ended up having a super fun time. Drinks, rollercoasters and greasy food! I saw my aunt and my little niece and we hung out. But then the gf texted me. Apparently there was somebody at said party of her friend's who was shit talking me. It was the sister of an ex-roommate of mine. Mind you, that roommate was a handful and a sadly a bit of a headcase. My gf suggested I don't come over and not confront this person. I told her that I wasn't afraid and that there's always two sides to a story but she's there and she knows her friends so I trusted her judgement. What had happened? The gf started mentioning me and told her friends we were dating. A couple of the guys thought it was cool that I was into D&D and had a podcast and were being really cool. Until that bitchy girl caught my name properly and started what I assume was an angry rant. She told the whole group about what a terrible roommate I was to her sister, about my manipulative ex and how horrible the relationship was, how the gf should run away now that she still can, and so on... Lucky for me, the gf and I are great conversationalists together. We talk. ALOT. She already knew the better parts of the story so she also knew to take it all with a grain of salt. But she was saddened that that girl ruined the moment when she wanted to share this newfound joy with me with her friends. I kept texting her and was very disappointed myself. My friends at the theme park urged me to let go of it all, stop texting and enjoy the moment, to not let it ruin things. I was hard not to. I kept texting. I wanted to help her feel better again. I promised her that kiss and I wasn't going to fail my promise to her. I ended up letting it go, trusting the gf to respond to it all with integrity and found peace in the idea that I'm as flawed as the next person. I have my bad sides. But I'm no murderer. I highly doubt it's a fitting response to tell a girl I'm dating to run away asap. I'm proud to say we talked it through and she said she didn't know me as the person I was described to her. She knows me to be kind, loving, attentive and nurturing. Even if you take my bad sides into account, it was clear to her it was an overreacted response. I'm happy she's a sane adult. Sometimes those are hard to come by. I saw her after her friend's party had died down and she'd gone home. I had my suit on, bow tie, the whole shebang. We kissed, talked and expressed how happy we were to finally embrace each other again. I told her the whole story. She fell asleep on my chest. I mulled over things one more time, smelled her perfume and drifted off. I keep hoping like this might a good, sane, healthy relationship in the making. Fingers Crossed! AND HAPPY NEW YEAR! Highlight of the day: GF believing none of the shitty lies about me, her falling asleep on my chest. Budget status: I spent some cashola on take-out and at the theme park. Nothing insane. But the place was pricy.

Days without games & porn: 6 Woke up at her place and had one of those lovely, lazy, slow, cuddly Sunday mornings. It felt great. She's even got this huuuuuge shower that fits two people. We also can't seem to keep our hands off each other. But then, tragedy struck. My sister called me. Drunk. At 11 am on a Sunday. She and I had agreed to go visit grandma at the old folks' home later that day. She was trying to weasel out of it. I wasn't having any of it. And also, why the fuck was she drunk? She's been seeing this great, kind, caring guy. I thought he'd be a great new leaf she's turned over and now this? I told the gf and didn't allow it to ruin my morning with her. She was worried and sweet about it, bless her heart. I picked my sister up a few moments later with my car. Her boyfriend was standing a few feet from the curb, waving at me, but with an open can of the cheapest nastiest beer you can find around these parts. She stepped into my car and the small space was immediately filled with the stench of alcohol and beer nuts. Throughout this whole spiel I didn't blow my lid. Benefit of the doubt and all of that. Trying not to judge and asking questions first, before jumping to conclusions. But I was totally ticked off. This did NOT look good. It turns out, she had her reasons and I ended up empathizing. The day before, she'd gone over to our mother's. They were having a huge holiday meal with all of the children. That's my mom and my sister (and me, hell bent on skipping this while ordeal), my mom's boyfriend of 10 years, his 3 kids and their SO's and 1 grandchild. None of these people rub me the wrong way. But there's beef between my mom and me and I'm not one to go to parties with a big fake smile plastered on me until all issues are resolved. Turns out, mom's not well. At all. Because of stress and other factors, her face is covered in cold sores. She's literally up to her eyes in them. She's quit her job as a nurse in the cancer ward nearby and will start a new job somewhere else soon. My sister was there to help with the cooking. My mom's boyfriend can be véry annoying. None of us (the family) really like him. He's very needy, rude, a tad racist, loud, ... You get the picture? But mom is scared of being alone, so she puts up with it. It's sad to see that a once strong and proud woman has been reduced to this shade of what she once was. She used to read up on food and would cook super healthy. Nowadays they eat fast food at least once a week. And don't get me started on her sugar intake. That boyfriend of hers is a horrible influence. My sister told me he was being horrible and rude and annoying all day to mom, to the point where she cracked and ran up to her bedroom to cry. My sister screamed at him after that. At dinner, my sister and her boyfriend had to cover for me. Apparently they weren't talking about what the problem was. I have no qualms stating why I have taken a step back from my mother, apparently she likes keeping things a secret from other family members. My sister told me it was heart wrenching. Seeing her that way, the crying, the mean boyfriend's comments, ... She told me the worst part was seeing the last two gifts under the tree with my name on it. As if it was a constant reminder of me not wanting to be there. I can totally understand that a day of mayhem like that would drive a person to want to numb themselves with alcohol instead of facing a mess like that. But then it got worse. Her ex-boyfriend kept texting her. They were together for years. My sister was always able to look past the broken pieces of his personality and tried patching him up. I only saw a junkie degenerate, mooching off my sister and keeping her from getting ahead in life. He's the reason it took her so long to get clean and she still bears some emotional scars because of that shitstain. But she loved him and cared for him and you just can't wipe away those feelings for another human if you've been through crazy shit for years. He urged her to call him. I'm proud to say that she was being very transparent about it with her new bf. Once, again, great guy. It's at this point in the story my sister admitted that the beer he was holding when I picked her up, was hers. He had taken it away from her because he didn't want me to see her like that. I misjudged him. She ended up calling the ex, with her new bf next to her, and calling him out. He'd be using ketamine. The drug she spent years trying to get him off. There were hospital visits and lots of chaos and pain and money involved. He had relapsed. So when she woke up, she had started drinking. I am still to get to know the new bf properly. I can imagine he must have been surprised and shocked. My sister can be tough to love. But if you understand where she's coming from, it makes a bit more sense. After the whole story, I saw grandma and grandpa at the home. Bags of senile bones, really. It always freaks me out a little. It's a bit too much to write it all out but afterwards, I am proud to say, I asked my gf for help. I admitted to her that it's been a rollercoaster and that I'm feeling a tad lost in all of it. She invited me over to hers and we ended up talking it all over. She's a great listener. We drank wine, sang and danced and kissed and we made Albondigas. That's like Spanish meatballs. She's spending New Year's Eve with friends of her downtown and she was in charge of making snacks. I love cooking together so it was a great way to pick me up. I ended up spending the night once more. I told her how I felt. She felt the same way. We don't want to make a fuss and we'll just keep doing things at our own pace. But goddammit did it feel great to entangle our lives for another night and fall asleep like that. It was a crazy day. But she made it more stable. I think this might be the start of something healthy and nurturing. Highlight of the day: My sister's story about why she got drunk. Not a happy highlight, for sure. But an important one with lots of honesty. Budget status: I had a bit of a hectic weekend so I have to catch up a little bit. My one goal for tomorrow: Have fun at New Year's Eve (I'm celebrating at a theme park with some friends and family!) and find the gf in the city when I get back this night. Kiss her as if she's the last woman on Earth.

Days without games & porn: 5 I slept in and then went to see my friend. He and I both are part of a D&D Podcast. It's not in English so we don't have tremendous popularity, it's in our native tongue. But lately it's been growing massively. So we usually see each other once a month. I wanted to see him because he does a lot of project management as a communication manager. But we ended up talking about our lives and love and family. I told him I'd want to make a blog called "Happiness Enabled' and use it to write about emotions, communication and self-improvement. I notice that this diary is fun for me to do, I enjoy writing and especially if there's some kind of 'audience'. We then talked about how to do it, whom I should reach out to, ... It was very helpful! I don't know him that well but we really connected and enjoyed ourselves. We also talked about him being single. He had recently had this magical one night stand with a single parent. The way he described it made me shiver. He's just as romantic as I am. I'm happy he got to experience it. I told him about the girl I'm seeing. I had been holding back a little bit. I didn't want to rush into anything with her, that's my usual MO. Same goes for her. We want to cultivate things slowly. But after what he described, I realized I missed being on cloud nine. I felt like the conversation with him reminded me of what it's like to be in some sort of nirvana with that special someone. The conversation opened a door that would be walked through later in the weekend. I saw her later that day. A colleague of hers is a singer in a hardcore band. I agreed to tagging along. There would be other people there I knew, so why not? I ended up meeting a colleague of hers. She has been through hell and back and is rather quiet and introverted. Because of the shitshow she's been through, she can be rather cynical. But apparently I made a great impression. It may have been my stance on feminism or my jokes or the fact that my 'gf' and I were constantly jabbering about just about anything. Whatever it was, it felt good to be 'approved'. At this point I've seen a few of her colleagues and have made a good impression all around. Yay! After this crazy scene full of fries and fightpits, I got an invite from a friend of mine downtown. He was having a few people over and having a good ol' drinking-and-games sesh! The 'gf' was up for it and we had the craziest night! Introducing her went smoothly. She's just about as social and independent as I am. I remember being in stitches for the better part of the night. There was gin, Circle Of Death, weird German jokes and one of my friends admitting to sometimes taking a bath, drinking red wine and listening to smooth jazz. It still cracks me up XD (Nothing wrong with it, it's just the way he told the story). I was happy. I spent the night at her place and we closed off an amazing day. I was hooked. I felt butterflies all over. I walked through the door and admitted to myself at night what I had been suspecting: I've fallen in love with her. Highlight of the day: My friend telling his bathtub story, crying from laughter and weird German jokes Budget status: Tracking my spending habits as good as I can. I tend to forget what I spend with cash so I try to keep an eye on it via my cards

Yeah, the poetry gig was loads of fun. Last time I did poetry it was pissing me off that I kept rehashing the same stuff because I know it connects with the room. It was always the same material. This time I dove into my archive, got some old stuff out and just had fun with it. I can now do a proper 20 minute performance, balanced in terms of content, rythm and emotional range. And I could probably do about 45 min if you'd let me add improv and standup. Maybe one day I could do some sort of show ? Thanks. It felt good to finally repay him for all of the times he's had my back and been my moral compass. Porn is ... difficult. I don't like admitting how tough it is. Right now I'm not using any blockers to increase the difficulty of finding content. But it's there. In the back of my mind. Itching. Something small might trigger me. Like an ad somewhere or a pornographic pop-up. I'd feel disgusted if I'd crack and watch or search some. But the urge is totally there. I try to be mindful of triggers. I try to figure out what I'm feeling and why I'd want to see some porn. I think there's points I just feel tired or lonely and crave a little endorphin boost. I feel like it's one thing to deal with feeling sad or lonely or in need of being touched or hugged. But it's another thing entirely to want a little shot of endorphines. I hope it dies down. Because I'm not sure I can do this on pure willpower. But I'd hate it if I cracked.

Days without games & porn: 4 My buddy came over first thing in the morning. I've been falling asleep with Netflix playing in the background for a couple of days now. I'll quit this bad habit at some point. But right now I'm focused on other things. He cried a lot during the day. He and his girl have been a thing for 7 years. They're about to move in together but she's getting cold feet. After some talking she admitted to having doubts about the relationship. They're two véry different people. She's bubbly and wants to see the world. He's rather grumpy and wants a calm life. Basically she wants to live life to the fullest but he just wants to settle down somewhere. I hope they find middle ground. It's tough. They still love each other but they want different things. We went to see the new Mary Poppins movie, talked about films and D&D and had some food. We also had a little sparring sessions with my Krav Maga gear and armor and some scotch. Then we played D&D with our mates. Half of the party was properly killed. I've never had a character death, ever. And suddenly, with me as the DM there were 3... I couldn't help but feel a little bit bad. But the players took it okay and were already discussing new characters. The ones they had were the basic ones out of the box anyway. This invited them to create proper custom stuff. My friend participated but his batteries were running low. Props to him for admitting what he was going through to the group. It was a day filled with equal parts pain and kindness. I am happy that I was able to be there for him. Highlight of the day: The D&D session and getting compliments that I was doing it properly and pulling out all the stops. And also the immediate bouncing back of the players after the deaths of their characters. Budget status: Paying as much as I can by card instead of cash. Getting into the habit of using my phone & banking app to jot down my spending of that day using the history of my app My one goal for tomorrow: Try to let go of everything and spend the evening at a crazy hardcore party with my girl and her friends