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SuperSaiyanGod

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Everything posted by SuperSaiyanGod

  1. I don't remember when I was here last time, so I'll write what happened in the last few weeks. I think I went 29 or 30 days without junkfood, and then I think I just decided to screw it. So from that point on I kept relapsing on every front. Yesterday I was reading a little about addiction and I decided to give it another try. I realised that I always relapse when I have this thought: "fuck it, I don't want to do this anymore, I'm gonna relapse now". I wonder what I can do about it. I've decided that this time I'm going to prepare for it beforehand somehow. That way, when it comes, I should be ready, and then I'll be able to make my streak longer.
  2. Maybe I should create a set of quests for myself. Like the quests you get in gaming. Some of them would be simple, others would be finished in stages. The quests would be like clean the room (in stages), complete the latest project (for 3 people, also in stages), complete a dumbbell exercise session, write a list of topics for the blog you are going to start writing someday, read a specific book (in stages), find a new book to read, write a short story (in 200-word stages), complete a stage in your calisthenics training program. I had this idea when reading the first page of this journal. For every quest there would be a reward, mostly like +1 do discipline points or some actual things, thought I don't know how that might work. There could also be achievements, like exercised 100 times, held the room clean for two weeks straight etc., which I could then write down on fancy pieces of paper and put them in a prominent place. I could also create a journal specifically for these quests, so I would have one for emotions / life in general, and another one for specific things that happen in my life, the one where I keep track of all the mythical adventures I have. This way I could maybe get rid of the fantasy that I want to live in a video game, and maybe convince myself that my life is actually interesting and worth living. Not sure if this wouldn't trigger someone, so I'll just leave this idea here if anyone wants to comment on it. Which I would appreciate.
  3. The I-hope-it's-a-date wasn't a date at all. We talked, it was okay but not as good as before. Maybe she was defensive, which would explain all the irony and stuff. Or maybe she was tired. The conversation wasn't as pleasant as it was the last time that we met. She doesn't react to me in any particular way which means she's not attracted to me. So I'm just gonna let it go and focus on the next one. I shouldn't have fantasized about her so much, it brought up my expectations way too high.I'm now gonna give a report. Junk food - I've been clean for I think 23 days (right now it's midnight so today counts, because it's too late to relapse now). I'm not saying its getting any easier, but this whole effort wasn't that hard at all. I have maybe one or two urges a day. My diet isn't perfect, I eat a lot of nuts and yogurts in the late evening while gaming, and they have a lot of calories, but at least I don't eat potato chips, ice-cream, or other snacks and candy.Overall feel - I feel kind depressed. My go-to activity over the last few/several days was sleep. The only thing I could get enjoyment from was gaming and watching some TV series at the same time. Then I finished both of these series and kinda got bored with the game, and today I just sat in bed doing nothing in particular. Games, porn, internet, sleep, exercise, reading - none of that seems at all appealing. Most of the time I have absolutely no energy. I have a couple of new projects to take care of, but I think I'll resign form the ones that are not mandatory.Gaming - as I said, I'm not trying, but I don't feel an appeal anymore. My gaming routine was to watch a show in one window and play a flash game in another. If I just play a game, I lose interest almost immediately. And I currently have several games on my computer, and I have the same experience with all of them.Porn - not trying, though thinking about trying. However I know that porn relapse always leaves me devastated, so if I relapsed with it, I would probably also relapse with junk food. And right now I see porn as something I can't not relapse with.Sleeping habits - I've decided that since my junk food abstinence is already a little bit underway, I can put another area of my life under the plate. This one should be easy, I'll just do the same thing I did last time. Maybe it will help with my lack of energy. And then in the next three weeks I'm gonna start taking care of something else.Right now it's a bit after midnight and I've been trying to fall asleep for 1,5 hours. So I decided to come here, write something, and then start reading this journal from the beginning. It's been over a year, there's probably something to learn from it all.
  4. I have an I-hope-it's-a-date in four hours. Super hot girl, we have a lot to talk about, no idea whether she's at all attracted to me. No matter, at least I'll have a nice evening. I've been clean of junk food for 15 days now. With other stuff I'm still binge eating before I go to sleep, And I go to sleep after midnight.
  5. Porn - I'm not trying, except to make it last as little time as possible. I know relapse with porna lways leaves me devastated, and I'm doing quite well in other areas, so I don't want to fuck that up.Gaming - Only played some flash games in the last week, it sucks, but I got every project done regardless. Two days ago I was done with all the projects at last and I didn't know what to do with my time, so I gamed. But I've decided to not beat myself up about it.Junk Food - I've been clean for about 10 days now. No potato chips, no ice-cream, no candy. I'm having problem with binging on nuts and yoghurts in the night, but it's better than what I did before. I'm constantly reminding myself about the reasons I'm doing this - losing weight will help me secure my joints when I can get back to physical activity, and help me recover faster now; it will also result in less pain in my ankles. I'll be able to do harder calisthenics and I'll be able to progress faster. Hopefully I'll be able to sleep better. When I can get back to physical activity, I'll have many exciting things to do on a daily basis and that will help me with porn and gaming. I'm thinking about mixing running, calisthenics, swimming and tennis, maybe yoga - that way I might be able to do something every day, maybe even more than once, and still keep my joints from breaking.When I have junk food cravings, often my first thought is "I want to eat them but I can't". Then I think about it a little and answer to myself: "I can eat them, I just don't want to".
  6. As for what was above - I didn't do any of it. I'm watching porn and I'm not gaming only because I don't have time. But I dropped all junk food and it's been 6 days thus far. I just had an amazing day because of a training session that lasted 13 hours. Tomorrow is gonna be the same thing. There I got two "quests" to start improving my social skill. The first one is to make a call I've been putting off for a couple of days, all because I don't feel comfortable calling people. The second one is to ask out a girl I've been trying to date several months ago. I have to do it by calling her tomorrow in the morning and I can only leave a message if she doesn't pick up.
  7. Tomorrow I'm gonna call my dad and tell him everything. Or at least talk around the subject for a while. But I'll do at least something. This is getting out of hand. My productivity is almost zero, I can't get around to doing anything. I can't stop eating junk food even for one day. I weasel out of every project that isn't a strict necessity. I have to get some help or it will only get worse. I hope he tells me he'll stop supporting me if I don't abstain. He told me it only took him two tries which were years apart to stop drinking. And I think he's been a little hostile toward people who "can't choose what they want to do with their lives", at least I heard one such conversation several years ago. If it comes to that, I'll have no choice but to stop. I'm gonna call tomorrow after I get back home from the lecture, it should be at about 7:30pm. If I don't at least call and talk around the topic for a while, or don't report on it by the end of tomorrow, I want you guys to be brutal with me. I already had one such conversation, it was with my ex-girlfriend. It went well. I have to think of that tomorrow.
  8. During the last few days any attempt at change ended after a few hours most, even though I wanted to work this weekend because I have quite a few projects. But I didn't do anything and I'm only starting work right now, at 11pm on Sunday.
  9. I feel like not wasting the day. I woke up at 1pm, did a little stretching and tried to exercise, but I only had strength for one set. I also meditated 10 minutes. Now I'm gonna go take a shower, run a couple errands, and then I want to start working on some projects for school. I also wanna finish reading a book today so I can move to something better. I would probably be gaming if I hadn't gotten bored with the last game.
  10. I'm back home and I don't feel like doing anything. If I were to do anything, it would be either gaming or watching porn, but I don't wanna do these two. I also don't really feel like it. I guess I'll go to bed.
  11. I couple of days ago I made the simplest tracker, it was just about not watching porn for 7 days, and I stopped trying after 1,5 days. I have been trying for so long I lost my faith that I can ever do it. That I can ever get the life I want. But I want to have it. I want to be able to run again, and be able to work out as hard as I want to. I want to lose weight so that I can make better progress with the workout, have more energy, sleep better and save my joints. I want to meet a lot of new people and have a satisfying social life. I want to get good at studying and be on the way to getting a doctorate. I want to learn as much as possible and understand the world. I want to read a lot of books and be able to veiw reading as a pleasure instead of a kinda chore. But I keep failing. Giving up actually. I wonder if I could ask my dad to help me. He's an alcoholic and clean for 11 years. But I'm afraid he won't understand. And I'm not at all very close with my family.
  12. I'm studying. I'm actually studying. Well, it's actually more like chilling and reading some stuff for tomorrow's project. I'm writing here now because I'm already getting some cravings to get back to playing the game. I'm already imagining what I would do in it and so on.
  13. Woke up at the chosen hour (noon), now I'm gonna go with the partial morning routine and then I guess I'll start preparing for the project. Seems like the day is already more or less planned. I hope I won't relapse to porn. And I'm not thinking at all about what come after I inish the work.
  14. So those three days were pretty great, but today I kinda just ate junk food, watched porn and played video games. I deleted all the games just now, even though it's not gonna do any good. I'm just at a point of not caring right now. And I feel stressed out again because I have a thing with high school students at 8am on Monday and I have a lot of preparing to do - and I haven't done any of it yet. I told my friend I would be ready this evening, which I obviously wasn't. Yesterday I went to sleep at 10pm, and I woke up at 11am. I just feel... angry.
  15. I've been keepeing busy since Wednesday. The thing is, I just had two projects to do, and I didn't have time to play video games. I started caring about hygiene and ate pretty well. I kept away from porn by leaving for classes several hours earlier than I had to. I was also waking up early yesterday and today, because I had a lot to do. I sill found a lot of time to waste on the internet, but it's better than nothing. I'm going to leave for classes in half an hour and then work on one of the projects. Tomorrow I guess I'll start working on another one. I was also wondering what to do tonight, between classes and sleep, so I think I'll just stretch and work out a little. It's been a while. I resigned from one of the projects a couple of days ago, but yesterday a friend asked me to help her on Monday. So that's another thing I'll have to do for the weekend.
  16. I'm empty. I don't know what to do. I don't know what I want. I have two group projects due one Friday that I havan't started yet. I feel like my life doesn't matter without other people's stories. I need to be immersed in some story like a book, a movie saga, a vlog, and when it ends, I feel empty. The one that would never end could be my life. But I have no idea how to make it an interesting story. Nobody wants to read a story about a guy with no friends. I'm always putting stuff off for later. And then my room is a mess, I don't have clean clothes for the next day, I'm dangerously overdue with work on school projects, other projects I simply give up. I did that yesterday after a long time of being inactive. And I feel like leaving the entire club altogether. I wanna go bowling. I wanna go to dance lessons. I wanna be able to run again. I feel like my life would be so much better right now if only I could run. If I could work on a marathon, or just take a quick jog every other morning. The next run would be something I could look forward to. Right now I don't feel like I have anything to look forward to.
  17. I usually can't go even one day clean. I feel like this is completely outsided my control.
  18. @hycniejsy, @Piotr, @fil? You guys are the only ones I know of. I'm thinking about traveling a little, so I thought I might as well meet some of you. Probably sometime during the summer. I'm in Wrocław myself.
  19. The day was pretty good. I had social interactions with about 6 people, I've decided to not care about my looks and felt more confident about them, I read a little, payed attention in class, trimmed my beard and hair, and now I'm gonna meditate. I didn't even have time to game, but I had one urge when I got back from classes. I ate pretty well, though it was mostly pizza and pizza-like stuff. And potato chips with candy for dinner, but those were leftovers. Now I'm gonna meditate for 15 minutes. I don't know why I feel good, but I do, and it's all quite easy now. I wish I felt more neutral.
  20. I'm at college three hours early, I dont have anything to do at home anyway. I'll just read something here and be bored for a while.
  21. I didn't do almost any of it. I spent the entire day playing a game, which I just deleted. I felt like people from my family were bothering me. Tomorrow I have to meet on of them and I really don't want to. I hate myself. I want to live and I'm going to, but it doesn't mean I can't hate it.
  22. I've got enough of starting over and making plans. But this is what I just wrote on a small piece of paper at 1:30 in the night: THE GREAT PLAN for March 5th (morning) MeditateMake bediumTake medicineTrim beart and back of hairTake showerMake breakfastWash dishes(the rest) Wash all clothesBuy lightbulbGo to pharmacyCheck out what to prepare forRead Star WarsReorganize living spaceCheck phoneThrow out all garbageI want connection, social life, satisfying relationships, to do cool things with cool people, to be in the sun, to be passionate to the point of forgetting about the world. I want all this to keep me occupied tomorrow, and the bottom thing to keep me motivated. I'm not deleting any games because there's no point.
  23. AA are all over the place, there should be a group going on at any given time. I'm in a group for sex/porn addicts but I don't go regularily. It's only once a week and I have classes then. Another group is a couple of times a week but I don't like it. I generally don't like this kind of thing because it makes me depressed. I gamed today. Damn it! I missed a day of meditation because the site was down! I mean, I meditated right now, and the streak is now 9 days, but the site doesn't know that I count days differently. So now it says one day. Anyway, in a couple of months it won't be making a difference.
  24. Getting back to playing the game is literally the only thing I want to do.
  25. Deleting all my games now. I just though this moment at 1:44am on a Tuesday is a perfect moment to change my life. It could be a moment on which I could look back and think "see, there's that exact moment starting which I never again played a game and became proud of my life and of how I spend my free time, and I've haven't had absolutely any regrets ever since". Everything except gaming is boring, but gaming gives me a feeling of qualm. I'm mostly thinking about where I could be in a month or two and how I could be looking at this moment. There are two options: I'll be in the exact same place in life as where I am now, or at a slightly worse place - and I'll regret every moment between now and then.I'll be proud that I did the best I could and my life will have gotten slightly better.This is my 1000th attempt and 1000th promise, so I'm not going to promise anything. I'll just write three things to keep an eye on for tomorrow: No gamingNo internet browsing, unless with intentMeditate for at least 10 minutes but don't overdo it.Tomorrow I will write a post using a "1-2-3 method" I learned about a couple of days ago.