[Super Saiyan Journal]

I'd like to start a youtube channel but I think it's going to be shitty. Though I have a lot of ideas, I don't think I'm a good enough philosopher to talk about it, and also getting to work on a video is much harder than I thought it would be.

[Super Saiyan Journal]

I'm thinking about suicide almost all the time. I'll buy some sort of cord today and then decide what to do with it.

[Super Saiyan Journal]

I no longer believe I'm addicted to anything. I think I do have some compulsion regarding video games, but since I've stopped worrying about it, it's been MUCH weaker. I am able to concentrate farily well on real-life tasks whenever I need to. I am engaged in several projects right now. Honestly, since I've taken a bit more lightweight approach to this whole addiction thing, my life has been much better.

[Super Saiyan Journal]

I don't know why, but I haven't been gaming for 6 days now. Also trying to regulate my sleeping habits and eating reasonably well. I spend a lot of time on the internet, and also quite a lot of time at college, as I've had several things to do. I've been writing down everything I needed to do and most of it is ticked off right niw, including cleaning the room - it hasn't looked so good at least in half a year.

Here's a weird thing. I'm feeling lazy today (Sunday), but it's a different kind of lazy. Usually my lazy i about gaming, youtube, internet etc. Today I feel like not doing any of that. I feel like reading, and I have a similar desire to play some video game, but it's nothing serious. But most of all, I don't want to spend another minute mindlessly browsing reddit or youtube. I'm just disgusted with that. I think I'll go for a walk soon, see how that goes.

[Super Saiyan Journal]

I literally aced almost the entire term. I cheated on one exam. Otherwise I was extremely pessimistic about everything, and then I got an A from everything.

Now I'm in the middle of a one-week break. I've deleted all my games this night, I went to sleep at 6am. Woke up at 4pm. I want to get rid of this time-eater so that I can be content and productive. I expect my sleeping habits to fix themselves before I return to class. I also expect a lot of boredom.

[Super Saiyan Journal]

I was panicking for two whole weeks. I finished the essay yesterday and I just finished my other project. Maybe it's just an illusion, but now I feel this whole panic was completely unnecessary - because when I had to, I dealt with these problems like this:

So now's the time when I don't have any more projects and all I have left is two exams two weeks from now. Which means I can get back to gaming. But now I don't want to. These past few days have been very stressful, yes, but in many ways they were much better then the past few months - I repaired my sleeping habits almost overnight, I spent a lot of time out of the apartment, doing way more productive things that usual, and every time I got home in the evening I was sleepy and was able to fall asleep easily. So I don't think I'll get back to gaming, at least for now. I have almost two weeks to prepare for the first exam. My plan is to read one chapter of the textbook a day. I'm going to continue spending most of my time outside even though I don't have to. My life is much better.

[Super Saiyan Journal]

I haven't slept so well at least in weeks. I wake up 6-8, shower, breakfast, then I go to school to study, even though I only have some classes in the evenings. While I'm there, I still waste a lot of time, but at least I don't sleep during the day. I get very sleepy around 5pm. When I come home towards the evening, I still can't do anything productive, but I am so tired I pretty much fall asleep right away.

I also don't eat as much as I used to - around three times a day. Sometimes I eat way too much, but I still think it's better than eating some snack all the time.

I don't game, but only because I had to take a break so that I can catch up with my studies. I know it's going to ruin all my habits again, but I'm going to be honest: I'm waiting for Tuesday evening so that I can download and play my latest game again. But I'll see what happens.

[Super Saiyan Journal]

I have absolutely no ability to start writing the paper I have assigned. The plan was to start on Wednesday. Now it's 7am on Sunday. I have spent about 2 hours total on research. In my mind, it is completely impossible for me to write it, it seems too hard. I sleep as much as possible at any time of day to escape. I deleted my video games yesterday evening, because I kept distracting myself with them. I don't think it's going to work, I can just find other distractions. I feel so horrible, so stressed out. This is going to be the greatest failure ever.

[Super Saiyan Journal]

January 1st. I think I should use this period of increased motivation in order to try to change something. Although I know I'll fail, so I don't know if I should even attempt it.

[Super Saiyan Journal]

My friend is owning his life and he's on the way to success.

I remember my last new year's eve - I was at my apartment, alone, trying to fall asleep and abstain from porn and masturbation. I couldn't fall asleep. But I was set on fixing my sleeping habits, so I didn't sleep the following day. After a while I got back to my old crappy routine. If I developed any positive habits at all, I dropped them just as quickly. The entire year has been waster. Another wasted summer, another wasted term, another wasted christmas vacation. There have been a few periods where I was doing better, even for up to a month. But if there is ever any progress to my life, I ruin it all within a few days. My future is going to be horrible.

I came to my parents' house at the 22nd. I had already quit gaming at that point. My plan was to deal with at least 2 out of the 4 things I have for school - prepare for a hard test, prepare stuff for project, start reading for an essay, and... I don't remember the last one. I haven't touched any of them. Every night I play video games until sunrise, then I go to sleep and usually sleep until it goes dark again. I fucking hate myself. I only have a few days before I have to have half of that stuff finished. I'm getting seriously stressed out, a feeling I know very well.

[Super Saiyan Journal]

A few days without gaming, though it feels like a lot longer. I feel okay, but I'm quite low energy. Everyone tells me I look wasted.

[Super Saiyan Journal]

I'm reading this.

Quote

Life outside the game was at an all-time worst. I was out of shape, I didn’t have friends, and when I wasn’t failing tests or sleeping in class, I was faking sick and skipping school.

Yeah, that's pretty much me. Except I don't have to fake anything in order to skip school - for which my parents pay. And they don't know that I'm skipping classes or that I dropped out of previous college because I hadn't been studying. I'm also out of shape, currently weighing over 100kg. I remember when I was in school and 77 seemed like a lot.

Quote

My room was a mess. It didn’t matter. An empty pizza box was on the floor. I didn’t care. My homework wasn’t done. I could do that later. I was focused on the game and I had no worries. Besides losing, that is.

Well, I don't care much about losing, but my room is totally a mess. It matters a little bit, but I usually just don't care - another bag of chips doesn't make a difference to the mountain that is already there. What I do care about is finding a game that will let me drown in it and completely forget about everything else. It usually doesn't work for more than a few hours, one or two most often.

Quote

I had thrown controllers before and gotten very angry over gaming, but this time was something completely different.

I don't get angry. What I feel most of the time is an emptiness. Not sure how to better describe it.

 

[Super Saiyan Journal]

I've slept between 3 and 7 pm and now I'll never fall asleep. What I would like to do is eat some snacks and play some video games. Fuck.

[Super Saiyan Journal]

1 day without gaming

I went to sleep shortly after 10pm. I slept alright until aroudn 3:30, after which I couldn't fall asleep. M for quite a long while, but then I still couldn't fall asleep, I started getting hungry and restless, so I've decided to get up. Now it's 6:50 and I'm about to start my day.

Fuck games. I'm not letting those fuckers ruing my life again. I'm still angry form yesterday, as I was falling asleep and then trying to fall asleep I got some images from a couple from games I've been playing / have been thinking of recently - I told them all to fuck off and that I'm not wasting even a thought on them.

Today is going to be tough, I feel really weird from the lack of sleep. Or maybe it's from hunger? Anyway, the plan is to start the day off right - a shower, good breakfast. Then I'll tidy up the room and go buy grocieries etc., and then I'll have the entire day free. My plan is to go to the library sometime after noon, and start preparing for a very hardcore boss-type test that I have in four weeks. Sometime during the night I booted up my computer to look up what grades people got from the test in previous groups, and requirements / question types that I should expect. It turns out out of 50 people there were only 2 A's, a few B+'s and a few B's. My goal is to get a 4.6 average this year (A is 5, F is 2) so that I can get another scholarship. Did I mention I got a scholarship for good grades? Anyway, I already got one C+, which is only worth 3,5, which is a major setback. Since then I've learned about two A's, but they are only fragmentary for now, and they still might get screwed up. So, my plan is to get 2 additional A's in order to solidify them. Besides, it would be awesome to get an A from this monster. I know pretty much exactly what questions there are going to be, which means if I prepare well enough, I can be 95% sure I get the A. Okay, I guess a B+ would still be acceptable, since (5+4,5)/2 might still count as 5. And then after this one I only have two exams, which are going to be quite big, but I'll have a full month to study for them (I'll start during the holidays of course), and also an essay, but that's simple - all I need to do to get an A is to craft it carefully enough.

Well, time to get to it.

[Super Saiyan Journal]

0 days without gaming

I just got fucking angry. I was in my bed debating with myself whether I should sleap until 2pm or 3pm - neither option would prevent me from being tired for the rest of the day. This is all because of the fucking gaming. Never again do I want to be forced to get up at the very last hour, or to feel bad in the morning and know that I won't get enough sleep; or have a room full of garbage; or having to put off basic stuff for later; or having to feel bad about going to classes. From now on:

1. Anything goes between 8am. and 10pm. - porn, tv, junk food, youtube -  except gaming - as long as it ends by 10pm.
2. I get up at 8am every day

This should be enough to improve every single aspect my life by at least 9000%.

[Super Saiyan Journal]

0 days without gaming

I know it sucks. I know that I should stop, because gaming doesn't make sense at all. It screws up with every part of my life. But I really don't want to. And when I want to, I get very strong cravings and change my mind.

10 hours ago, Shine Magical said:

Does your computer usage activity tracker track it automatically or do you need to click a button that says you are about to do the activity so that it can track it?

Automatically, it's called RescueTime.

[Super Saiyan Journal]

0 days without gaming

And I went to sleep at 5am and got up just now, at 15:45. But I don't feel bad about it.

Edit: I just learned I got a C+ from a test I had last Wednesday. That's horrible, that means I'm that much farther from the next scholarship. I just don't have any energy or motivation to study. I know that if I wasn't gaming, it would be much better, but I have trouble stopping. I don't really want to. I really hope the other four tests went well.

[Super Saiyan Journal]

5 hours ago, Zala said:

Unexpected free day: is there a chance of meeting someone, visiting a family member? Anything to get you away from games?

Probably, but I don't want any of that. It's a free day which means I don't have to talk to anyone, which is a good thing.

2 days without gaming

[Super Saiyan Journal]

1 day without gaming

Yesterday was clean (and very short). Right now I'm dancing around the idea of starting to play some game. I have two or three candidates. One of the things that pushes me toward it is that I have an unexpected free day tomorrow. Which means I have many, many hours and nothing to do.

Edit: Okay, I did 15 minutes at the bike. My intention is to take it slow, partly because of laziness, partly because I don't want to wreck my legs, and partly because I know it's going to grow on my if I keep doing it, just like it happened with running. I now weigh a little over 100kg and I've probably lost most or all of the gains I've made a year and a half ago. But if I continue exercising it's all going to come back.

[Super Saiyan Journal]

0 days without gaming

At about 2am I started playing some game from my childhood. I finished it at about 7am and then went to sleep, and only got up now, 4:50pm. It's already dark, I've slept through the entire day.

I have absolutely no will to get up and start a day most of the time. I only do it when I have to.

I have a test tomorrow, but I haven't even touched my notes yet.

All I want is to get back to playing that game I quit two days ago.

[Super Saiyan Journal]

0 days clean (amost 1)

All I want to do is get back to playing the very same game I got rid of yesterday.

[Super Saiyan Journal]

0 days without gaming

It's 1:49am. I have work at 7:20, the idea was to get up at 5, but I can't sleep. So today I'm going to suffer.

Since the last post almost all of what I've been doing is gaming. The same game as before, because I always get huge cravings for it whenever I get rid of it. I've just deleted it again.

I bought a stationary bike so that I can do some exercise at home.

[Super Saiyan Journal]

1 day without gaming

For the first time in quite a while I was able to get up at 8am even though there was no absolute need for me to do so. That's what I've been talking about when it comes to small achievements. Now I have the time to deal with every challenge I've been getting depressed about yesterday. I'm going to bring my room back to order before a good breakfast and then I'll start dealing with everything else, starting with the most stressful thing.

[Super Saiyan Journal]

0 hours without gaming

Monday, 7am. On Saturday, on Sunday, and this entire night I've been playing the very same game I got rid of on Thursday.

It seems I have two choices:

1. I can get up early every day and spend my time studying; feel quite okay about my life and feel very good about my studies; look forward to going to classes and not be bored at them; feel relaxed about all my assignments and tests; have a lot of time in the morning; slowly lose weight; feel proud of multiple small acheivements every day; be ahead of everyone in my group when it comes to studying assignments; be slightly terrified about my future most of the time
2. I can go to sleep in the morning and curse myself for not going to sleep earlier; get out of bed at the very last moment before I have to go to classes; be bored at classes; be terribly stressed out with every assignment and project; do everything in the last moment; wait for the weekend all week and when the weekend ends feel tired because of all the things I percieve as chores; drop out of everything that isn't absolutely necessary in order to stay home as much time as possible; feel a bit sick most of the time because I'm only eating junnk food; be terrified of my future all the time and try to silence that feeling

 

On a slightly different note: I miss winter. It's almost here, I can already feel the smell of it sometimes. I don't know why, but I have a lot of nostalgia for the last winter, or the one before that.

[Super Saiyan Journal]

0 days without gaming (almost 1)

I've been gaming all the way until yesterday. I got really stressed out last week because on Sunday I suddenly realised I have so much studying to do. So I moderated gaming a little bit and cought up with everything. Yesterday I've decided to delete the game I've been playing, because I don't need it anymore, because it's about time to get back to my normal life, the way it has been in October.

I've had two tests yesterday and one today, it was really stressful, motivated me to study. I returned from the last test an hour ago. Everyone was very scared of the test, but it wasn't that difficult. I kinda nailed all three tests, I expect B's at the very least. And now I feel almost free and I want to get back to gaming, and I regret deleting the game and all my progress yesterday.

The only thing that is still going on is that my research project is starting in the next few days and it's going to require quite a lot of attention, because it requires daily contact with 30 people for a week. I still have some preparations to do, so that's keeping me stressed out and kinda drives me away from gaming. But I expect once I'm finished with the preparations, all I'm going to need is one hour a day to text everyone, and otherwise I'll be free to waste my time for the next few weeks, because after that there are no stressful things until January.

I don't want to waste it, I know the best thing to do would be to start studying in advance, start going to all classes, fix my sleeping routine again (I had a great success with that in October, now it's all gone). But on the other hand all I want to do is waste as much time as possible.

I'm gonna change some of the habits in Habitica, get rid of no-porn tracking (because I keep failing as it's impossible), and focus more on positive habits. And I'll start all over the only way I know how.

Oh, now I'm not sure whether it's been one or two days ago. Luckily I have this time tracker I can use to check when was the last time I gamed.

Okay, these are my activities this week. The light blue is the game. So I'm currently almost one day clean, but as you can see there's been a kind of downwards trend.