SuperSaiyanGod

Hi. It's great to be here. Yesterday I relapsed on the porn front, I guess I just gave up. Today I didn't relapse on any front, although it has been one of my worst days ever. I was on a meeting for sex addicts and suddenly I felt this terrible depression. I was sure I was going to relapse the minute I got home, but after all I didn't. Why? I guess I didn't want to... I wanted the day to make sense. Not sure how to describe it. As for the day making sense. Today I got up, meditated, stretched and warmed-up for training, but then decided I don't have enough strength to train. I wasted some time and then trained anyway, with good results. Then I didn't know what to do. I wondered how to make the day meaningful, purposeful. Memorable. Normaly my goal, or purpose, for the day would be getting new levels or raising skills in a game. But today I didn't have that, so... I have to make en experiment for non-verbal comunication class, with three other people. I gave some thought to it, tried some technical things, because one of my jobs is to change a recording in order to make it lower but still natural. I was wondering if that's even possible. Didn't do anything real for the project nevertheless. I played the guitar for an hour, which is nice, as I thought I wouldn't have enough material to keep playing for a whole hour and not get bored. Usually I can't do that for even 30 minutes. So that's a progress. And then there was the meeting but that's a different story. I guess I just need an activity that is going to feel purposeful, something I can do for a long time, and something where I can see that I'm making progress, so I can feel good about it. Gaming also offers many rewards, but with other things? I guess I'll just have to rely on those a bit less. I haven't heard of this woman before, but I've read about vulnerability at Mark Manson's blog. I have no problems with that when it comes to relationships, I'm not afraid of being hurt nor do I ever expect to be. I can see that fault in a lot of girls, but that doesn't really matter here. As for other things, I'm not sure how I would be less hard on myself. If you want to improve your life, you gotta suck it up and work hard for it. However, as for working hard. I started doing strength training 8 months ago and there are pretty much no results for now. Okay, I got super strong legs and I can now do varieties of squats not many people could even do one rep of, but all the other things are still terrible. That's because I've been slacking off on the training and diet. I know if I really wanted to, I could become fit and not fat at all in six months. Maybe if I start now and really focus on a good diet I will be that in July.

So, I've been invited here by Cam, when we were talking during the free coaching session. When was that? About a month ago. Anyway, hi. This is the guy from Poland. I'm trying to have a serious talk with myself about what I wanna do in my life. I write everything in my journal. Here I'm gonna be writing only the gist of it. It seems a huge obstacle for me is fear. I'm addicted to gaming and porn, and every time I try to kickstart my recovery, I get scared and go back to those very same things after just a few days. The problem is, I can't imagine my life without those things. I'm supposed to never ever play games again and never ever look at hot chics and masturbate? I've been doing this for so long, it has become part of my identity. I'm gonna have to struggle for the rest of my life, denying myself the pleasures I've been endulging for years, that I've become completly reliant upon? This is like climbing a mountain and after a few days of an easy walk I realise I'm standing in front of a huge, vertical wall, so tall that I can't see the end of it. I might try to climb it, but I have no idea if it's ever gonna go even a bit easier. Anyway, if I want to live the kind of life I want to have, I just have to prepare for the fear and be reay to deal with it when it starts. And I have to realise this truth, that if I'm to get the life I want to have, I have to NEVER AGAIN LOOK AT PORN, NEVER AGAIN PLAY ANY GAME, NEVER AGAIN FANTASIZE about anything. And also never again sleep until 1pm., or make a day free from training or from studying. Those aren't as scary, those I actually see as an opportunity. The ones above are the real deal. For now I've gotten rid of my gaming accounts, both worth a fuckload of money. They're completly unrecoverable right now. That's all for now.