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SuperSaiyanGod

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Everything posted by SuperSaiyanGod

  1. I just woke up at 3pm. The prospect of not playing that game for the whole day feels terrifying. Also reading and studying feels terrifying. After breakfast I'll just open the book and see what happens.
  2. Fail with the sleeping, I got up at noon yesterday. Now it's 5:42 in the morning and I'm about to go to sleep. I'm considering cutting back on gaming because I'm starting to think it's a necessary step in fighting my more serious addiction, which is porn. I am positive that games trigger me greatly. I also binge on them late into the night, which is probably a more dangerous time when it comes to triggers. But the last time I got rid of all my games I immediately felt terrified and quickly got even more games. So this time I'm gonna cut back gradually. First, I'll get rid of the most, how do I describe it, exciting, alluring game, the one on which I binge the most. I actually get so fast-paced with it, that it gets completely unenjoyable after a few hours. I'm gonna leave a game that definetly has less of these triggers, and is more slow-paced. And I'll try to play it less, maybe one or two hours a day, and I'll try to get into my english practice and reading. I'll see what happens after a week. If it's bearable, I'll get rid of that one as well.
  3. YES! I woke up at seven and got up! Now I just have to go to bed at 9 and it will be okay. Actually I wouldn't call anything that heppened this night sleeping - it was mostly six hours of almost falling asleep. I feel great because I can now pick at which hour I want to go to the city. When you wake up at 3pm., you have to force yourself to get up quickly in order to catch a sensible bus. Basically anything you have to do during the day feels like a chore.
  4. When I tried to run on Sunday, I found out that my knee hurts more than it should. I felt slight pain the previous two times when I was jogging, but it wasn't uncomfortable, I just thought this is normal. Now it's almost Friday and it still hurts, but only when I run. I found something that I think is amazing and that I love doing. I don't need anyone or anything to keep doing it. I just hope this one stupid injury isn't gonna be the end of it. For now I'm resting, luckily I can still work out in other ways, but if it doesn't go away by the end of September I'm gonna have to go to a doctor. In other news, today I decided to try and cut out gaming again. I deleted all of my games, and then suddenly I felt this kind of void and boredom. And then I got another game immediately. Today I did 90 reps of leg raises (the easiest variation) and 2 minutes of planks. I didn't feel like doing backbridges today. I also stretched a lot.
  5. Today I ran 5 miles. I was a lot, A LOT easier than yesterday's 4 miles. I didn't have almost any trouble with the first 4 miles. Then I thought: I still have plenty of power for at least another mile. It got dark at the end so I just finished. Oh god, I'm so proud of myself. I've already exceeded my capabilities from before the training at least tenfold. This week I ran 17 miles. I wonder if I should make a rest day tomorrow, because that's what I've decided for it to be when I made my current routine - but on the other hand, I now regenerate almost instantly, and I can easily jog two days in a row (and work out when I'm not jogging). So yeah, I guess I'm gonna go for a run tomorrow as well. I might take a break next Sunday. I want to see if I can increase my distance by a mile every week. That way I could try to run a marathon in January. (But more likely in May, since there's winter before that. I might try a stair run before that though). When I run, I listen on a loop to a youtube video that has inspired me the most. This one. I'm already thinking of routes I could run when I go back to the city. I'm also thinking about running to college, which is only 5 km, 3 miles away. That's gonna be so easy in a month. This would be even better that biking to there. Since a) there are no good biking paths going through the center of the city and b) I'm too scared to bike with the car traffic - I don't know any traffic regulations or anything like that. Oh my god, I'm so excited. That would actually be even quicker than going by tram, since I go 11 minutes per mile. So with 35 minutes it's usually less time than: walk to a tram stop, wait, wait, wait, stand in the tram for 20 to 25 minutes, get off, walk to the college. I'm also lucky I don't stink like an average male after exercising. This all actually relates perfectly to the thing I've learned from this video. I hope this isn't just a "high" phase. I mean, it's not - I'm just jogging and not eating junk food; everything else is still the same.
  6. Yesterday I ran 4 miles, it's the same story as before. Today I did a workout for the core. Didn't like it. But I did five sets. All the time I was thinking: maybe I'll just go for a jog instead. But no, those exercises are really important, and I have to be consistent with my exercise routine. Can't wait for tomorrow evening when I'll be jogging again. This journal is now almost exclusively about exercise - since I'm actively gaming now, and I don't feel like writing about porn. I really like writing here though. And it pumps me up when I read it later.
  7. I just got back from jogging and it was the exact same story as the previous one. The only difference was that I felt more tired/less motivated almost from the start, but I did the same thing as before: just tried to run a bit more, without thinking of what comes afterwards. My leg hurt a little uncomfortable around the ankle, hope that goes away. Today I didn't even think once about porn. I was gaming though. I'm not feeling uncomfortable about that at all at the moment.
  8. Update. After the Thursday training, which didn't go well, I had a day of slacking off. Then on Saturday evening I went for a jog and it was the longest one I've ever had. I never thought, when I was in school and was always dead last at every race (basically walking 800 of the 1000 meters), that I could run for about 4 miles, 44 minutes, with only a very short stop for a quick stretch. Previously the farthest I've ran was 2 miles, and I only did that once or twice. This time, after the 2 miles, I thought "well, I still have a lot of power so I might as well try to run another mile. If I can't do it, I'll just stop and I'll know that I've given it my best". So I ran another mile. Then I thought: "I still have some power, so I might try another mile. I'll probably fail though, but it doesn't matter". So I ran another mile. That was actually when I felt best, I got this fuzzy feeling in my chest and my legs got really tired. I've discovered the thing to do is to never stop, because that's when the rush of heat and fatigue happens. @WorkInProgress, I can't do a normal push-up. I'm doing the Convict Conditioning program and for push-ups I've started with vertical ones. That was actually the most I could do. I had amazing progress with squats, but not with anything else - too many breaks. I've now devised a perfect jogging+workout routine for myself, so I'm not even reading anything else on the topic. Once I lose weight, I bet everything's gonna kick off nicely. I'm not controlling my calories though, I just have to stop with junk food and then I'll keep increasing the cardio. During today's workout I was just convincing myself to do one more set, one more rep, and trying no to think about what comes after that. I actually surprised myself with incline push-ups. In total 50 squats and 35 incline push-ups. I'm still gaming, but, eh, it's not that bad now.
  9. Dude, carbs are the basic source of energy. Reducing them makes you dead. I was just looking at this routine today. Maybe I could do the warmup and one of these pairs before becoming exhausted.
  10. I don't know where else I can put this without getting a bunch of replies form people I don't want to talk to. So I'll just talk to myself here. Why do I have so little energy for working out? I've started doing the exercises in March 2015, and the only progress I've ever made is with squats. I've not progressed at all with push-ups, leg raises or bridges. I know I haven't been disciplined and I've trained maybe 30% of the times I was supposed to. But the pther problem is that whenever I start to workout, I immediately want to quit. Every time, after a few reps I just feel like sitting down and quitting. It's easier with push-ups and squats, but I have so little energy for the core exercises. What should I do, how do I get more energy for this? Am I gonna get more energy if I lose weight? I'm currently class I obese according to the WHO definition. Am I gonna get more energy if I stop gaming? Or masturbating compulsively? Do I need to eat something special before workout, or eat something special all the time? Do I need to sleep in different hours and less than 10 hours? This is all so frustrating, so hard to figure out on your own.
  11. What do you know. It was a day when I didn't have time to write in the journal because I was too busy. Oh yeah.
  12. I've spent the last hour thinking over my life. I will post some of it here later.
  13. I just can't find my footing. I don't even feel like making breakfast in the morning, or even going to the grocery store to buy more junk food - which I almost always eat in one sitting, no matter how much if it is there. Maybe something will change when I go back to my parents' house, where I feel more at home. Maybe a very good friend is going to visit me for a week or so.
  14. I just went to StopGaming and there was a badge saying 55 days. That's how long I could be clean if I didn't game since the last time I set it up. Now I'm gaming again, but I don't feel that bad about it. That last time I ran only one mile, 8 minutes, but I've been going pretty fast. Maybe I'll try tomorrow, and slower this time. I was able to run for 2 miles only once before.
  15. I'm gonna take up juggling, because: It's a physical activity but doesn't tire you outIt's mentally engagingIt's challenging, with easily controllable level of difficultyIt can be done at any time of day or nightIt's free (assuming apples are free, which they practically are)It provides constant meassurable growthI'm gonna buy some apples tomorrow and start. Later I'm gonna make balls of grain and baloons. Also, I'll attempt to run 3 miles tomorrow. So far I've only ran somewhere around 2. I never thought it would be possible for me to run 1 kilometer (which I could never do while in school), but now 2 is easy. I just have to push myself as far as possible, as I think I usually stop not because I can't go on, but because I'm telling myself I can't go on. My friend is always running until he has to sit down. Second also, I'm gonna become un-stranded tomorrow, for about two weeks, which is awesome. I'll try to hung out with some friends while I'm at the city. Now I'm gonna go watch Lois & Clark: The New Adventures of Superman.
  16. Okay, so it's midnight and I've only been up for nine hours or so. The time is running so slow when I'm not gaming. I need some stimulating, maybe even productive thing to do. I'd like to write another short story. But I don't know, I have no idea what it would be about. Last time I wrote one, the idea for it sort of appeared before me and I couldn't stop writing until it was finished. But now?
  17. I'll just write this because I can't decide on what to write. I've finished two games I've been playing since the start of the summer and now I'll try to stop again. No pressure, if I don't succeed then at least I'll have a good time. I've deleted all games from my pc and my user profiles from my brother's consoles. It also helps that the gaming graphics card on my laptop is fried. I'm stranded at my parents' house for the whole summer, it's already been five or six weeks, no car, 30km to the closest city. I only have a few english books and one big-ass psychology textbook. I don't exercise regularily, but there is progress with jogging. I've just decided to take it easy. I don't need a great discipline if it means beating myself up about not having it. I've had a serious conversation about it with my cat yesterday - I mean this morning, when I was going to sleep - and it made me feel better. I've also decided to have the same approach to abstaining from porn and strangely this morning I decided to get up instead of triggering myself when the first thoughts appeared.
  18. I'm a useless, irreparable, disgusting loser.
  19. Today is a nice day. Yesterday I was porn-clean. In the evening I wrote a post on r/penpals because I wanted to make some friends and went to sleep. I woke up pretty late, but I didn't feel that bad about it. I felt like jerking off, but instead I got up to see my messages and there were two. It made me feel good, and the whether was nice so I went for a jog (it got hot as hell halfway through, but it still felt great). Then I took a cold shower and ate a great breakfast. But now I don't feel like replying to these people. Why on earth did I post a penpal request if I don't feel like talking to them? I relapsed to porn, though it wasn't that terrible as well. I was sitting in front of the computer trying to escape from the replying. I launched World of Warcraft which I've been playing as a starter version for the last couple of days. But I didn't feel like playing it, I'm gonna explain that in a minute. Then I had a thought: I've already done everything I needed to do today, the only thing that's left is reading some psychology. And so I did, and it felt good and stimulating. Now, I feel like playing the game, but there are some things keeping me from it, and the will to abstain for the sake of it isn't actially one of them. First, this doesn't really feel that appealing most of the time. I find it hard to disconnect from reality while playing, and it's uncomfortable, being constantly aware that I am wasting time.This one is actually more important. I'm playing the starter edition, which allows me to play until level 20, and then my character gets locked until I buy the game. Now, buying the game doesn't feel at all expensive, and it would give me 30 days of play time. So if I bought it, I'm afraid I would continue wasting my time for the next 30 days, because "I've payed for it after all". Then, after these 30 days, it would be "I've already leveled so much, I want to buy more play time". But buying 60 more days actually feels expensive. And if I buy those 60 days, that will be it for the best summer of my life.On the other hand, I keep thinking: I've already done so much good stuff today, I could easily reward myself for it.
  20. I'll be honest, I've wasted 6 out of 7 days since my last post on gaming, junk food and porn. My room is a mess and I don't feel like cleaning it. I also haven't been showering. I've been thinking a lot about how to start doing things right, because I'm not comfortable with the kind of lifestyle I'm having right now. In the evening (or in the morning when I'm going to sleep), I want to stop. But when I wake up, I just go back to whatever I was doing the day before. I think I'm going to write a list of what will happen in a day, a week, a month, and by the end of the summer if I continue wasting time, and then what will happen if I start living. For now I've been lured by my psychology textbook.
  21. [Blocking steam] Oh, why is it taking so long to update?! It's 22:30, I don't have all day! New steam effectively blocked forever. All games are gone. The best summer break of my life (so far) - commenced.
  22. I am gaming. I started on Saturday, and now it's Monday, very late evening. I always stop writing here when I go back to gaming. So I'm not going to stop now. Maybe that will help. Hmm. Everything is going pretty well at college. Seriously, it's going really well. But I'm getting a bit stressed. I had one easy exam today, and there's gonna be another easy one tomorrow. Then there's a really scary one on Wednesday. Oh god, I'm scared of it. Maybe I should study more for it. And then there is a really easy one on... Monday. Ooooh, I want it to be over already. I skipped two days of meditation. No, I skipped one, and I don't remember whether I meditated on the other one. I'm wondering how much that month of everyday meditation was worth if I was sometimes meditation a lot less time then I wanted to, and also meditated in bed which is easier.
  23. @JustBeingReal could you delete that huge quote? I know what' you're referring to and it's taking too much space. Thanks for the article on stretching. I have a bad mood today. I always get a bad mood when something is going not the way I want it to and then I always have a problem dealing with it. I'm having a lot of urges for various games. I'm now seven days free, wow. But the words residing in my hea are thus: It's been just seven days. You can have some fun and then start over later. I am wondering how much sense does that make. One problem is that I have to get up pretty early tomorrow, so I can't play games all night. I'm going for a bike ride.
  24. I've been playing a game that I bought. It was a disappointment – I always had mixed feelings towards that game, but lately I've built an image of it that it's going to be the best thing ever if I play it. I am now six days clean, but I haven't had the time to write about that. The game is still there, I haven't got rid of steam yet. Luckily I only spent around 15 dollars on it, instead of the 40 or so that was on steam. That's a huge difference, and that doesn't ruin my budget. I'm now going to reply to the call in the latest video, and try to plan my summer. I've written the scariest exam today. It was in two parts: how the first part went I'm not sure, but on the second one it was really easy to cheat and so I did. And I wouldn't have passed it otherwise. I'm only feeling bad about it because that's what I've been tought. But I want to learn that material on my own anyway, which I'm planning to do during the summer. There's still one of the more hardcore exams, but after this one, the stress is over. Every summer of my life has been wasted on games. THE GIGANTIC PLAN CONCERNING SUMMER 2016, WRITTEN AND EDITED SEVERELY BUY THIS GUY I'm scared of work. That's why I'm not going to get a job, unless my parents ask me to. I want to have friends. I want to hang out with real people in real life. How do I do that? I have absolutely no idea. All of my plans include only me. I want to focus on my physical exercises. I've found that they have become a natural reward for me. I seriously want to do them! I haven't been exercising the last two weeks (because of gaming and then because I wanted to focus on studying), but now I can start again. I'm not going to work out now, but I can't wait for the morning, when I am going to go jogging. I want to extend my stretching sessions, so that instead of 10 minutes I'm doing around 30. I'm going to have plenty of time for all that. I want to work on my back, because it's in terrible condidion. And that's probably because I've been sitting like this and like this most of my life. Besides, it feels so nice when I just sit trying to stretch my back while listening to some nice music. I'm also seeing some problems with my breathing, perhaps I should stretch my abdomen. Meditation. I'm trying to extend the sessions to 20 minutes. I want to keep that up for roughly a month, and then go to 30 eventually. I also know I have to meditate in a sitting position, and also in the morning, because my restless legs sometimes make it extremally hard in the evening. It's also easier while lying down, but I think it's actually worse for the attention focus. I'd like to get up early every day, but I know how it always works out. I'm not going to focus on that this time, as it is only a source of frustration. I want to spend at least two hours outside every day. Mostly because a lot of energy goes to cooling off so that's good for losing weight. It's gonna be either biking or reading at some nice place. I want to read some books in english, for now I'm reading The War of the Worlds. I'm thinking of some more hardcore stuff like Heart of Darkness or The Catcher in the Rye next. But it's really hard to find a book that is interesting to me and at the same time available in english at the library. I also want to get a book on cognitive psychology, which I should read considering the way I just passed the exam. This should me the core of my plan, but for now I'm not feeling that psyched about it. I know which books are good though. I simply have to read one of them for thirty minutes a day or more – I have to learn how to enjoy it. I'll probably have to buy them though. Cold showers only, this is so easy during the summer I'd like to keep my room clean for once. Or at least clean it up really good once in my life. I'm feeling like I should visit my parents, but I really don't want to. I like the privacy of my room. And they live in a middle of nowhere. Oh, I think I'm gonna do it anyway at some point. I would like to do some creative project. I don't think I'm going to be writing any songs, this is way too frustrating. Hmmm, I'm gonna have to think about that. I want to go to a dancing class. This is my dream, I love dancing and I want to learn how to do that. God, I love dancing. I have to write all my girls and find a partner. As for this journal, I think everything is going well with it just the way it is now. I have no pressure to write here every day, and so I actually enjoy it very much. This is good, because every previous journal of mine has been ending after about two months. Negative habits: Porn. I have no way of fighting that. I'll just try to recover as fast as possible after every one of those frequent relapses, and focus on other things. Games. Gaming is the only thing that is stunting my growth if I keep up with the good habits. All I have to do is work on positive things while not gaming, and it's going to be okay. I'm thinking that maybe naming the urges helps in dealing with them. I'm wondering if I should be naming the games themselves, or is that gonna work as triggers for people reading it, including me in the future. Any help? I currently have an urge for a Star Wars game, and a certain mmo, and one rpg game. Always the same thing basically: a role of a hero who changes the world, the world makes sense, the hero has friends, and he is constantly getting better and better. That's what I always crave when I have a craving for a game. Junk food. I have trouble with it mostly when I am hungry. It is either the withdrawal from it, or a flaw in my diet, but I am often hungry soon after I eat. I shouldn't keep myself hungry, like I've been doing sometimes during the last weeks – not only does it induce cravings, but it also doesn't help with health in any way. I should eat every three to four hours, and I have to research what kind of easy food I can add into my diet that is going to work. I hardly ever have any idea what to eat for lunch/dinner. I also sometimes binge on something healthier towards the evening, because I'm just hungry a lot of the time. I think I'm gonna ask my mom about some foods. TV series. I have to not start watching any tv series and it's going to be okay. Usually when I don't game, I start watching X-Files or something like that, and then I have to eat junk food while doing that, and then everything goes to hell. I just have to not start. I can watch one or two episodes of a thing while eating, but that is it. That, I think, is all for now. Wow, it's long.
  25. In the month of May I meditated for 5 hours and 27 minutes. Roughly ten minutes a day, every day. Now I'm trying to go up to twenty. Although I've been putting it off until the evening about half the time, and it's also easier while lying down. I should mostly meditate while sitting, but the evening sessions are a very relaxing addition. I want to write more, but I think I should study. At least until Thursday, when there is an important exam.