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info-gatherer

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Everything posted by info-gatherer

  1. I am very familiar with this feeling. Maybe it’s just that we feel lonely. Being alone makes everything feel unreal. Atleast this is the answer that I gave to myself. It doesn’t matter how hard I try to be present to myself, if I can’t share my life with somebody I feel detatched from the outside world.
  2. Day 31 As the weather gets colder and colder, for me it gets increasingly difficult to stay out of home. I’m “lucky” (am I?) because I don’t like staying at home, since I argued with 2/3 my flatmates and we barely speak to each other. Anyway, I finished reading the books for my next exam and I should start reharsing, but now I’m very tired so I guess I’ll start tomorrow.
  3. I’ve been stuck at module 4 for a couple weeks now. Finding new activities requires time, but I’ve already found a couple & have the idea of trying others. My “comfort” picks are reading, playing the guitar, listening to music/podcasts, playing tennis and watching movies. Also cleaning the house is not exactly an hobby but you need to do it anyway and I found it helpful with clearing the mind as well. I’m thinking about trying yoga and learning how to compose/produce electronic music. You have to find an activity that 1 works for you 2 you can afford (money, time, space) EDIT: there are also activities you like but you can do only every once in a while. I think they “don’t count” for the purposes of chapter 4. Mine are traveling, cooking, hanging out with friends.
  4. Hey :) Pleasure’s all mine. I wouldn’t be celebrating if I didn’t have the support of this community. I am deeply grateful to you all. Day 30 1 month in! Things that changed during this month: -my mind is more clear and focused -I am more present to myself, in good and bad times. I work to fix my life. -my sleep schedule is the best it’s been in years -I am more sociable and I spend more time with my friends and family -No more gaming-related guilt feelings -and much more But now it’s bed time. Goodnight :)
  5. Day 29 I feel depressed and there’s this fog around my mind, I can’t think and act clearly. BUT I know why I’m feeling this way... 1 I’m still not 100% recovered from my fever 2 fever fucked my sleep schedule and metabolism 3 fever fucked up my MOMENTUM. I did nothing for a week, and today I did absolutely nothing, watched TV all time instead of doing what I was supposed to do. ... and I know HOW TO FIX IT: 1 tomorrow I’m waking up early 2 and going back to uni city 3 and doing that long&boring administrative paperwork that I managed to avoid for the whole weekend, so I can go back to studying. Tomorrow it’ll be 1 month since detox started, and I want to celebrate, not to feel like shit. That’s why I will do my best to be present to myself and live a healthy day.
  6. Hey :) In my experience the best way to go past a writer’s block is to just start writing something (related), even if you know that it’s not 100% correct or 100% what you were trying to say it will help you building momentum. For example you can start writing something like “I’m finding it difficult to write about X, because Y Z K; Y is the main problem, because...”. It will help you to get started & at the same time it will let you see clearly why you’re stuck :)
  7. Hey Bear, how you doing? You’ve been so silent I was worried you stepped on a hunter’s trap :(
  8. Are you from China? I heard that authentic chinese food is very different from the one you find in chinese restaurants worldwide. I don’t like chinese food much (except maybe dumplings), it’s just too greasy and tastes unhealthy, and so I always asked myself whether I’m just eating it in the wrong restaurants or not. As a side note, I really like japanese food, and I find it relaxing to prepare. Did you ever try to prepare sushi? It’s much more difficult than it looks like but if you find the right ingredients it pays off! :D
  9. Added a photo of mine, I'll change it as soon as I shot one in which I smile :D EDIT: I added it as a little step towards stopping to be obsessed with privacy and secrecy in my life, and eventually overcoming that feeling of shame I talked about. I think that opening up a bit more with this community and showing my real face (I see a lot of people have a personal photo) is a good start.
  10. Ticked every single item in the list as well, but since when I started Detox I didn’t experience cravings. Ye sure, maybe a couple times I thought “it would be fun to play a bit” but nothing more. reasons: 1 When I quit my commitment was firm and steady. And still is. 2 When I quit I was desperate and angry for what games did to my life without me being able to fight back. I think that this anger will fade over time, that’s why I need to improve my life more and more and more. When I’ll run out of rage fuel I won’t go back to games bc I’ll already have a life that I can enjoy. 3 Most importantly, the support of this community and likeminded people, and helping other people that struggle with gaming addiction, is helping me through my detox period. 4 And implementing what I learn here in my everyday life is the key ingredient for success. In less than a month I fixed so much shit that I still almost can’t believe it
  11. Day 28 Day started in quite a bad fashion when I found out that my dad put all my cigarettes except one in the trash. I recovered from the fever but still have this persistent coughing that doesn’t leave me alone (ofc not smoking is not an option, but I’m smoking much much less than I usually do). Medicines help a bit. I just had a shower and now I’m going out of the house again yeeeee!!!! Later I need to do a lot of paperwork
  12. Yep cooking is a lot of fun, but then you have to clean up God bless the washing machine (I don’t have it tho :/ )
  13. Day 26 & 27 Yesterday I fell asleep early and didn’t journal as intended. The doctor came and visit me, gave me a medicine and told me that I’m probably going to be fine in a couple days. Cameron, guess you were right :) Also, I’m happy to hear you recovered. So, lets talk about gaming. Being forced in bed for a week made me think again about videogames. 1. I thought about the possibility to install and enjoy some single player games. I understood that my mind was trying to persuade itself that they were “less addictive” and I could maybe try and play them after the 90 days... when I know from my experience that they are a time sink as bad as online games. The only difference is that they end at a certain point. But then you just download and play another one. (& they’re less fun anyway). 2. AT THE END OF THE DAY, STAYING IN BED AND DOING ALMOST NOTHING IS MORE “PRODUCTIVE” THAN PLAYING VIDEO GAMES. If I spent this days playing I would have done just that. Playing. But now, even with persistent high fever, I read some articles, watched a couple documentaries, studied a little bit, and most importantly: planned what to do when I get better. If I gamed, responsibilities would get me unaware at the end of the high. Without gaming, I was focused on my life even while doing nothing. Also, since being productive is probably not the ultimate goal of a human being, I can proudly add that I didn’t get that guilty self-destructive feeling that comes with gaming addiction at the end of the day. Did I get bored? A lot. I wished I could play and soothe the boredom. But I didn’t, and I hadn’t to feel guilty. It was worth it, and it always will, even when it’ll look scary. I just need to stay strong and find people who make me stronger. 3. I realized once again how time has a very relative pace, and remembered how games used to distort that time, making it feel shorter. 5 days playing LoL were like a blink of an eye, 5 days in bed were long and lonely. I also thought a lot about myself and I came to the conclusion that what is NOT OK in my life, the CORE OF MY UNHAPPYNESS AND FRUSTRATION is that I AM ALWAYS SCARED OF OTHER PEOPLE’S JUDGEMENT, AND EVEN THE SLIGHTEST MISTAKE, EVEN IMAGINARY, MAKES ME FEEL ASHAMED AT A PATHOLOGICALLY PARANOID LEVEL. I must take action and FIX THIS ISSUE, deal with it and be done forever. I still don’t know how to do it, but I believe that a very important step would be opening up with this professor of mine that inspired a good deal of my paranoid feelings. But even if I find the courage... will he listen?? And if I say the wrong things...? Guess you got the picture
  14. Day 25 Fever is costantly very high and medicines don’t seem to work. My gf got sick too after trying to help me and I can not be autosufficient, so I asked my parents to come and pick me up.
  15. Day 24 Being forced to stay in bed is like seeing all my efforts to change my life and be productive go down the drain. Yesterday I felt so bad I litterally stayed in bed 24 hours straight with eyes closed, immobile. Only “activity” I did was listening episode 2 of Game Quitters podcast, but even that gave me an headache. Today I feel better... hope to get better soon and GO OUT IN THE REAL WORLD
  16. Day 23 I got this high fever, totally burning up. I am forced to stay in bed and I hate it bc I have a lot of stuff to do: today is my gf birtday and I won’t go to the surprise party, tomorrow I won’t go tennis, probably friday I won’t attend a graduation party. And I will probably not study much... I really must quit smoking after gaming
  17. Day 22 Woke up early, wasted a couple hours surfing the net, then went out to buy a termic bottle for my coffee. Went home, destroyed it after 5 min, went out, bought another, is trash anyways and doesnt work. I also read in a website that after 6 hours or so the coffee gets cold even with the best termic bottles, so it was a bad idea to start with. Atleast I visited my grandmother. Now I should take my car and drive to uni city and maybe go to the library and do something productive at least for a couple hours. update: I don’t feel well, both phisically and mentally. I feel depressed and alone and scared. Maybe it’s just the flue. I stayed at the library from 4 to 7 and read just a sinngle chapter without understanding it. I kept daydreaming about a terrorist attack. How sick in the head am I? jesus christ
  18. Day 21 I went skiing with my family. I thought that I had to go back-to-basics after 10 years without practice but my skill was mostly still there and I did all the tracks with no problems. It was beautiful retrieving all the old gestures, still intact, like how to pair the skis, how to tie my boots... and my old clothes, the same of 10 years ago, I could still fit inside them. Nostalgic and funny day. I spent severals hours on my own and then I taught my brother and sister some techniques. I am very grateful for this day, and grateful to my mum and dad that drove us to the mountain and back. While going home, I fell asleep in the car like a child and now I’m very tired. Tomorrow morning I’m going back to uni city
  19. This revelations are at the core of J-P. Sartre’s existentialist philosophy. I struggled with this same kind of thoughts for a very long time. There’s no superior purpose or driven teleology, accepting it is a necessary step in the process of understanding the core of human condition. BUT I also came to understand that human knowledge is not infinite and interpretation paradigms can be subverted. Citing a joke from a Coen brother’s film, I suggest you to plainly “accept the mistery”. Life can be surprising at times. Also, I feel like human interaction, the very root of human condition if you believe Aristotile, gives me the purpose that reality necessarily lacks due to its “mere existance” status. Humanity can be an end to itself, but you need to reformulate your concept of “end” Best of luck mate
  20. Ye I hope that too, but if he doesn’t I understand him. He’s got a problem at his leg. He can ski, but at the price of feeling some pain in doing so. We’ll see thanks for commenting Day 20 Went to bed at 3 AM, woke up at 9.30 sharp. Waking up early is so easier when you enjoy your life. edit: I went to a friend’s home and while he studied I read a comic book. Later we talked about philosophy, cinema, cooking and learning english. I showed him the bbc learning english podcast that I myself discovered a week ago. I met my gf and talked with her. She’s been very sad and emotional lately. I’ll maybe explain why in another post. I tried to help her and told her all the things I’m learning bc of my detox. It looked like she felt better when I left and hopped on my train. Now I’m going to parents’ home and I’m VERY HAPPY because I don’t fear that I will feel the need to plug my pc, install new patches and waste my life on LoL as soon as I step in! I’m watching trees and fields running by my train window and I am so happy about my life update 2: for a reason I can’t fathom, my brother disassembled my gaming pc and conntected his xbox to my monitor. Now I have a giant xbox in front of my bed. Wtf life is weird at times. I’m going to throw the thing away from my room in a couple minutes
  21. Day 19 Sorry for yesterday’s rant. It was quite childish. Today I had a lot of trouble focusing on my books. I kept daydreaming about sex and violence. This one is big: for the first time in years I was propositive with my family and asked them to go skiing on sunday. They all agreed except my dad. Maybe when he sees that we are all going he comes as well. I’m grateful for the opportunity to spend a day with my family and do stuff together & also very happy about skiing bc I used to be good at it but 7-8 years have passed since the last time and I missed it. so, tomorrow I’m going back to parents home (1st time since I started detox) and ofc I will not game
  22. Day 18 I got fkin destroyed at tennis. I’m in a beginners course with a 45 yo real estate agent and a 28-ish bank accountant. I’m in a better physical shape than them despite smoking a lot. I used to be at their level some months ago (we were all beginners). Actually I were much better than the bank guy, having played some beach tennis previously. But they train 2 times a week, on tuesday and thursday, and I train only on thursday. I always focus a lot to get better, I even watched some pro games, but they play twice the time I play and I’m no match for them anymore. I’m thinking about asking money to my parents and start playing twice as much myself, but even if my parents say yes, I fear twice a week is too much for me. I’m not seeing the same progress they see and I don’t like it. What the hell should I do
  23. Day 17 Everything runs smoothly. I’m studying all day long every day and I really enjoy it. It’s like I’m again in love with what I do. Gaming thoughts don’t distract me. I’m focusing on making my life better and every day I see small improvements. Quitting games is changing my life. I’m so optimist and chill. My gf jokes that reading all this motivational stuff is making me stupid, but it’s not true. I will never forget depression, pain, loneliness, fear and all the other negative emotions (that are still a part of my life ofc). I will never shy looking in the eyes of my hard-learned truth and be silly. Instead, I’ll outgrow what makes me weak like old clothes. I noticed I have a new problem and I should fix it asap. I’m spending too much money. Actually too much. More than 10€ a day just for smoking, eating and coffee (bills, rent, taxes, everything else not included). Since I’m not trying to quit smoking yet (probably until the end of this detox) and I must eat something, I guess I should eliminate coffee. I spend the whole day at the library, so I buy 4-5 coffees (0.70€ each). It’s too much. More than 50€ of coffee every month. New goal: buy a coffee machine and a termic bottle. Make coffee in the morning at home before going out, thus effectively saving a lot of money.
  24. lol ty for the tutorial. I dobnt need it but ill try the faceroll part anyway They are not refusing to delete my account anyway, I just need to write a mail and say “yes, I confirm, you understood correctly, I want it to be deleted”. But I didn’t send that mail and I don’t know why
  25. Day 16 I’m not gonna lie to the community anymore. A mail from Riot Games has been sitting in my mailbox for the whole week. They say that my accounts haven’t yet been deleted. They need further confirmation. I mostly forget about the mail, the few times I think about it I tell myself that I don’t have time to answer. I’m just ignoring it, but it’s there, and it’s scary.