Hitaru

Ah, envy, a spaniard's staple. Success in Spain is much more valuable than anywhere else. It means having crushed all opposition, without any kind of help or simpathy from their peers. Perhaps that's why we only succeed in highly individual enterprises (usually in exile), or those which work through unquestioned authority. Not exactly, what I meant is people like Nietzsche or Dalí aren't considered assholes only because their achievements. They were assholes. But people turn a blind eye because who they were. And don't get me started with Columbus...

Well, yes and no. The guy is decided and cocksure, which means he'll be more than willing to invest in projects no one else will for the sake of his name. Risking is generally a good thing. But he's also brash and reckless. On one hand, he must be that way, without that personality he just wouldn't be himself. A more prudent person would more probably not risk as much. That person would not be Trump then. On the other hand, I think I would have handled differently if I was in his position. I don't need big cars or fancy houses (I like some very expensive things, but to personally own them and not to brag about them). His ego is somewhat like a shark. It must be in constant movement and constantly fed. Mine works more through introspection.

They are not. Exactly my thoughts. Being an asshole just means to be a loser. No winners are assholes. Success and value sanitizes all kinds of vices, even criminal ones. You can't be special to yourself, since you can't compare at the same level of anyone else. Only people outside you can label you as special (compared to them). So you have to make something they value as special. For a healthy life that means doing something you like in a so special way a consensus of its specialness is reached. So to speak. Important announcement: Fuck you, Skype. Fuck you, Microsoft. Fuck your control, your linked accounts, your fucking and your tyranny, you hear? Fuck you! You know who I am, go arrest me. FUCK YOU! (Story behind this: I want to have a mail account, a Skype account and a Gmail account. I want them to be independent and I don't want to give my name and or phone everywhere. I want to have some damn privacy. It seems it's utterly impossible. Fuck you.)

It was almost a premonition. I broke ties with (yet) another friend. I have only one real friend left, and he's too epicurean in nature to give a fuck about videogames or my character. I'm an arrogant guy, folks. You know D*nald Tr*mp? I have that kind of ego. The conviction since birth that I am special and my mere existence a gift to Humanity. It could be if I did things for them. And I could do things if I stop hating myself. When I was a child, there was no hate within me. I did things. My mere naive confidence allowed me to do anything I wanted. If I wanted a friend I'd go talk to a stranger; "Let's be friends today", and that was it. If I wanted a thing, I would ask, or take it by force. It was a simple life where even if there were people stronger than me, or smarter than me, or richer, or unaccepting of my presence, I was still the king. When I was declared gifted, and that +130 (can't remember the exact number and it's not important) showed up, I wasn't depressed about it. I took it as something natural; seconds later I couldn't relate to a time where I wasn't the holder of exceptional talent. But then everyone started lashing at me, for many reasons. Some, to bully the different and feel bigger and better. Others to try to avoid creating a megalomaniac monster, to help me fit in society. Remember this? Now I know, even if God didn't tell me. It was to help me being happy. Instead, it only served to create a contradiction in me which lead to anger, hate and suffering, as the green little guy would say. Walls were raised. The purpose of those walls is only useful to others. Fitting in society only serves others. I was born to (be naturally inclined to) believe I am special and deserve greatness. From a rational perspective, I'm fully aware that's bullshit and there's no special or better people per se. From an observer's perspective I'm positive it's a pain in the ass to have an arrogant guy around. From an emotional perspective, I am who I am and denying it anymore will only pain me further. Arrogance doesn't hurt it's owner. See? From the very beginning, all my life was about how to avoid incurring in someone else's wrath or displeasure. Damn me and my ignorance! Pretending to be someone I'm not makes me a liar. People notice this sooner or later, they stop trusting me and go away. But being who I am seems to be unpleasant to others, and they go away as well. Now, I know better. It's not about fitting inside society. Maybe I'm the little electron and not the bored looking proton. This needs more exposition but I took too long in writing it and now the point I wanted to make has dissipated in the fog of my memory. I guess I'll go on with my life and it will return by itself. By the way, I also learned how to block some distracting things of my phone thanks to an app. I can settle it to run at certain times and unlock them everytime the charger is connected to the wall, so I'm starting a new routine; I'll make a schedule to block internet at night and another to block things whenever I'm not directly busy. I'm ashamed to have to do things this way. But, anyway.

People keep suggesting me ideas to bypass my barriers. E.g. "You could buy games in stores, play flash games, create another Steam account", etc. Fuck them because they're not telling me as an advice (careful with this or that), but as encouragement to go back to the old ways. Fuck. Them. And also thank them, they unintentionally provide me with suggestions of new dangerous things to steer clear of. The only people that support me without reservations, apart from fellow quitters, are people who have never played. It's a sad thought. Is it so difficult to say "Well, games work fine for me, but if that's not your case you're doing the right thing"? Courses are over and I've learned a lot of insights* about myself. I'm now facing the most dreadful of boredoms. The ways of procrastination mean I'm doing secondary things, and since they are being completed I'm running out of options. I block the other kind of distractions the moment I have the slightest of tentations, so they're also dissapearing. Today I took a single task and extended it for the whole day. I'm trying so hard not to progress. But I will. I'm using my exterior looks to avoid going outside, so the next action is getting rid of that excuse. I'm also checking on new courses. My mate and friendly one-sided rival believes in equally combine formation with working experience, but I feel unready. I must develop confidence and presence. There's something I feel the need to say, but I can't remember. Maybe there's no real need right now. - Steam dead since: 28 July, 2016 (Today day 16) - Blocked since: 7 August, 2016 (Today day 6) - No gaming since: ~22-26~ July, 2016 (Today day 18-22

Lewding other people journals like that. Ara ara, such impudence. (Fitting avatar being fitting, heh) My body is the instrument of my craft. I seemed to forgot that, and I ask forgiveness. Performing: the mastery of the voice, the gesture, the intention; the action. To represent reality, but not reenact it. To create, but not imitate. Remove the body from theatre, and you get naked literature, dramaturgy. Not a subproduct, but a different product. And so, leaving aside vanity, I must devote great amounts of time to turn my body into a fine machine, to carefully (and perhaps, even lovingly) oversee and ensure the best operation. Healthy nutrition for a healthy voice, cardio for endurance, stretching for flexibility, exercise to develop drive. And practice, practice, practice. Every single day of my life. To be an actor is to live an actor. Otherwise I'm just a worker, a copyist, an official of the stage. Excelling at living everyday, to excel at the game of pretending the life of someone else. Geez, I should stick to writing. EDIT: Speaking of writing, I was able to send my assignment to my teachers a mere 9 hours late of the planned time. Despite all the anxiety, procrastination, lack of inspiration, tight schedule and simple laziness. The quality, in my opinion, was solid. I feel awesome for it.

Pink Triangle on her sleeve~~

Funny how I was certain my perceived health would worsen the moment I quit playing. I took a nap and I feel invigorated, but the ever-present migraine is not receding. Standard lewd emotions were bottled up in my waist when I woke up. From there I could harvest them and with some help of my brain turn them into words. Then, like some sort of discarded resources out of the belly of industry, they just disappeared after being refined. Weird. But convenient! I'm a bit late in my schedule to feel like giving this process the praise it deserves, and even if I talked about this before is way too early to know if it's going to be a common ocurrence or just coincidence. I hope and expect this to be the beginning of a beautiful creative partnership between my body and my mind. A body that, by the way, I've been neglecting of every single thing from nutrition to exercise to everything else since as long as I can remember. I used to be ashamed to have such a thing, a decaying, faulty proof of my temporality in this world. Now I feel like I owe some kind of debt to myself, and most of all, a whole, huge, unexplored area of my very being. Like a missing building in a street. Like having walked all your life and then discovering a door. I need a body, be aware of its needs, its signs, its wholehearted screams of rage, laughter, pleasure, pain or grief. It may even be fun, but I'm not betting on it. People do such stupid things with, for, to, or because their body.

After the hype comes the panic. I was expecting it and I managed to recover. After checking on my online course (I've been ignoring it beyond acceptable levels) I'm back to work again. I've overextended my reach and this week's gonna be tough. I sacrificed a dramaturgy class but it was an emergency measure so I won't need to do it twice. I could have still go if I did things right but anxious procrastination took it's toll. Now I'll have to face that perfectly efficient guy in the evening and he may even give me the stare. I prefer it to a dismissive stare, trust me. My first impulse was to flee but I made some mistake with Cold Turkey and now everything I considered even mildly distracting is completely blocked for the next three months straight. Even Wikipedia. Well who needs knowledge anyway, pfft. Since this damn assignment of erotic poems is not getting done anytime soon (artist block) I'm going to dump some bad stuff here that's blocking my mind and hopefully make room for useful things. - I'm feeling terrible, physically speaking, and obviously it's distracting me a lot. Nightmares, cramps, nausea, migraines, chest pain, throat pain and inflammation, limb pain, muscular numbness, feeling of suffocation or not enough air in the lungs. Is this being alive? Or is it because videogames? It's like something inside me is saying "Well fuck you, if I you won't allow me to mess with your mind, I'll mess with your body". I don't get it. Why is this thing so damn into making me fail everything? I'm. Feeling. Terrible. But it's worth it, I guess.

People look at me like that all the time ;-;

Nothing like a rival to make your gears all fired up! Picture this guy (I met today): Same age as me, just graduated from Criminology. Discovers acting in January this year and falls completely for it. Some short crash courses later, with absolutely no prior experience, he's ready to start a two-year diplomature of cinema studies, has a proper portfolio, huge contacts, a website, studies in several languages to open doors to foreign formation or roles, and about to settle in Madrid to start a professional career. Eight damn months. Now, I think you know me enough already. How would I feel if I had to see this guy in the afternoon Tv while growing dirt in my backwater hometown for an indefinite amount of time? This, this... lucky parvenu! Am I going to just lay back, fold my arms and accept it? FUCK NO! Absolutely, absolutely unforgivable!! So I'm going to follow his footsteps and harness his good disposition to help and guide me to maximum effect. By no means I'm getting behind. A rash decision I said earlier, huh? How about a rash race to success! Now, don't misunderstand, cash and b*tches is not what success means to me. It's about position. Getting my face in a promotional poster in Gran Vía. And grossly fat my CV. Normally, I would fear this enthusiasm flatten after a date with the pillow. Thankfully I'm getting to see this guy for the whole day for four more days. By the end of Friday I'll be so damn envious (in a healthy way) and my pride so hurt, I simply won't be able to take it off my mind. He's exactly the opposite to me! And with my same age. How can be that nothing but destiny? Things to do (even without newfound resolution). Log out.

Youtube, Twitter, Facebook, Wikipedia and several procrastination tools except for 30 minutes each two hours of useful work. Lewd Stuff for three months straight. Computer blocked from 0:00 to 7:00 everyday. Obvious reasons!

They were a guy and a girl so it was more a display of "common knowledge". I'll take your advice, they're fun to hang with. My opinion of parties has settled to neutral, but being unable to talk is a huge con. Cold Turkey bought and programmed. This has just reached a new level of serious-businessness. From now on, no late-night computer and no mindless-browsing. [Insert battle cry here]

F U C K Y O U U C K Y O U <3 In a completely coincidental coincidence I went partying* last night with theatre friends, some of them thirty year olds, and some unexpected female attention triggered this exact conversation. They utterly crushed my vision of myself of being a special snowflake of socially imposed asexuality. According to them, I'm equally able to pick up girls as any other guy of my age, that is, quite unable. The only things standing in my way are 1. I'm in an incorrect, "nice guy" mindset, regardless if I was aware of it or not. And 2. Girls my age allegedly are a bunch of void, trivial hussies. *The original plan was going to a delightfully decadent music festival. There were several people scheduled to play that night, but the guy we saw before leaving for dinner was the epitome of Fremdschämic indieness. Fedora and checkered shirt which he proceeded to unbutton during his performance, leaving him bare-chested. His songs were two or three disjointed phrases with heavy emphasis in "fucking" "pussy" and anti-government demonstrations. In a family-friendly event. Of course no good, old-fashioned families were present, so there was nothing to worry about. Then lots of endless chords in a pleasant to hear but soon repetitive mix of light rock, jazz and gypsy rumba. He then proceeded to spray the crowd with a water gun. Ah, good, college freshman experiences. With no graduation at the end but whatever. Partying, drinking and merry debauchery is all good and fun, but leaves me sore and it's unpleasant. I'm certainly not designed for modern jollification. As usual, I waste most of the day staring at the ceiling and then feel guilty about the thousand things I should be doing. But hey, at least a whole future of glorious female conquests awaits, that's good to hear.

American McGee's Alice meets Ib? Most approved! Seriously who the hell can live with that name, btw.

I did say that before, didn't I? Man I should get over it already -.- Oh, also days have become stagnant after my huge "Screw Steam" victory. It was to be expected, so I'll try to find out what I'm doing wrong (or what I can do better). A completely rash and nonsensical decision would be in order, it's been a while.

@Marquess Hey it was you who called the gay thoughts by yourself. Now you take them home, they always get drunk. Also the age was stating a fact and not a negative implication! Or maybe you have a feminine side, getting all defensive about the age? So all those twenty-something girls are basically coupling with thirty and forty-something men. I've seen plenty of cases of girls settling with older men and resorting to people their age only for one-night stands, so seems legit. Sort of. People are not exactly open (or honest) with their sexual life. But why that sudden stagnation in male value in the twenties? I can imagine girls like "No, no, my religion forbids banging people with 22, but 21 is hot as hell". But most weirdly, they can also literally smell when you transition from 34 to 35 and your value increases exponentially. A peak in pheromone production or something. I wouldn't take those charts too seriously. After all... Ah, I remember those times when I was cute and all the hormone-frenzied preadolescent girls were craving my attention. Of course I rejected all their advances, I was that kind of shy autist ("was", yes...). My life was some sort of ecchi anime and it was fun in it's own way. Then I turned 16, libido kicked off, girls became a prize and things went to shit. And since I spent those crucial years in a cloistered relationship I missed all the "experimenting" with all those androgynously gorgeous but ill-tempered sissy degenerates. What the hell was I thinking. I wanted to have a sissy degenerate phase too! Now I look 20 years older than I am, I look tired, boring, dull. Such tragedy.

N-NO!!! ... Also, is that even a thing? I briefly recall some copulation for recreational purposes in the long-term past... without too much recreation, I'm afraid. Ironically, this friend is quite the expert in the topic, with a fitting reputation. Could learn a thing or two or twenty from him, but I'm reluctant to accept some "necessary facts" about men and women in order to develop the "appropriate mindset". Picture yourself, @Marquess. Some years younger. Aaaand with an almost magical chick magnet. Funny guy, this friend.

was* I invested time and energy in restoring my social circle once again. Boredom makes me do some unusual things. Yesterday I found myself agreeing to go shopping with my mother and enjoying it (much more than her, you could say she's very masculine for some things). Today I'm at a hair's breath to go to the hairdresser and cut my hair differently for a change. Knowing myself it'll be a victory to simply go, but whatever. A friend is coming came to my house today to teach me the basics of meditation and insightfulness (if that's a thing). It was absolutely great, for reasons. Long to explain reasons; I'm basically procrastinating my explanations right now. I have some meetings scheduled, plan to spend some time outdoors. Overall, things look fine (albeit incomplete). For the next week, two courses, verse recitation and some basics of dramaturgy. I also joined a... erm... lew erotic poetry course! I can't believe I dared. It's no big deal but... I'm embarrassed as hell. Not just the childish, repressive prudery, any emotion-related activity or undertaking makes my cheeks flush and my legs tremble. Which is not always a bad thing. For reasons. Embarrasing to explain reasons. But I'll learn a trick or two for my writing I desperately crave. That's all that matters. And dude, romanticism may be dead but I bet a well written erotic poem can wreak havoc in the heart of a cultured enough target. And if money, glory and love fail, well, at least it will be just a silly hobby of me. Having hobbies is good. Right?

Hey missed you! I'm glad to see you here again! Looking forward to your entries and your strange love for ingesting and digesting things.

This post is "the red pill" as it's commonly understood, or at least how it was understood at first: red pill on gender and gender relations. Funny thing is, the fit and attractive male and the protector and provider usually are not the same. How would a woman handle this situation? That's some poor editing, since I didn't say that Hey, thank you @Marquess for providing a constructive debate. We are very different in many things but we've been able to expose them peacefully without saying anything about each other's mother, that's refreshing. Really refreshing. You don't know how things are over here. We can go on but it's probably going to get really confusing, I was enthusiastic and didn't realize my spamming until I finished I feel you here. Being in the slippery slope makes things worse in the end. Despite that, we are here now. That's the important thing. You know, silence is part of the music. Years of inactivity will make any achievement much more awesome.

Actually I would and I did in the past, so the topic is not about me as an individual. What I say is, if giving is voluntary, given the choice, most people will not give. Does that justify "gun-point robbery" as you say? No, I don't think so. It would be equal to say "I'm robbing you to give it to the poor because you won't give by your own". Yeah, so altruist of you, thank you. How much of taxes goes to the poor anyway? Public health, transport and schools (the only services worth of taxes imo) are not so expensive. Most money is wasted. Becoming the only one! What will happen is that a conglomerate of charity agencies will form and play God with the poor. The Nestlé of alms. Delightful. Not that taxes are doing a better job, to be honest. In the end, nobody gives a fuck about the poor. That makes free schooling and formation all the more necessary. It's the only realistic way to climb the ladder. Again, money gives power, and power is addictive. And in the case of wealth, hereditary. Capitalism as free trade and competition is not oppresive. Capitalism as permissiveness is. The state is a necessary evil. The state as institution should be small and handled by the most number of people possible with the less difference in authority as possible. The state as a concept of community we are all a part of is an absolute necessity. We should encourage individual progress while defending our interests as a group. That's the only way we can really thrive.

They are easier to remove than corporate magnates. Compare how many dictators were deposed to how many rich dynasties were forcefully removed from their riches. Why would an almighty CEO tolerate that? They would buy all their competence using their unlimited resources. In the best scenario. True. That applies greatly in Spain. However, as I said before, a much more powerful company can buy or sabotage the much weaker aspiring competition. They can break and bend the rules if powerful enough. You underestimate the power of money. Anarchists using violence to create a society where violence is not exerted? I'm... not sure if that would work.

Artificially created by social norms. True. Again that's an artificial social construct. So women are just leeches. As I said before, if that's the case, fuck women. Again, proposing women are just a trophy. Honest question, was this this way back in the caves? If it wasn't that whole argument would crumble. You say we should embrace our animal nature and let it be? That's against human nature. All human history was a strife to go beyond our animal selves. EVEN if women were biologically programed to be leeches (which I still find hard to believe, but it's a valid possibility) we are now at the point were human survival as species won't be compromised if we give them a place among men, and not below them. Why? Because why not. I reiterate women of the past were awful to handle and boring as hell. If we need them, and we need them, they should prove to be a pleasant experience. Being submissive for social reasons it's not pleasant. At least not for me.

It wasn't my intention to insult you in any way, please point out where did you feel offended and I'll properly apologize, honest. Nah I just wanted to say whites can be either great inventors or an absolute waste of air. Most of them are. And no, actually I don't give a fux about US crime statistics, although I'm a stalwart believer that crime is related to poverty and not to race. There's no race as a whole more inclined to crime. Speaking about crime, police murders. Are white policemen more inclined to unnecesary violence or is it related to whites being majority in the force and everyone of them being armed? I wonder... Yes, most victims are black, and yes they are biased against blacks because racial profiling practices, high black criminality and, well, racism. But that doesn't prove they are more inclined to violence just because their skin color. While we are at it, there's no gender more inclined to violence. If anything males traditionally exerted violence as a tool, since they were stronger. But they are not biologically programmed to use it as a first multi-tool resort. That's a main conclusion of third wave feminists, and it's bollocks.