taichi

Day 6 Been sleeping poorly these few days. Dreams are either life-threateningly dangerous or deeply embarrassing. Maybe make a nighttime routine after 11 pm. Today's exercise was some push-ups, squats, and a core strength anti rotation thing. Watched Berkeley CS 61A up to lesson 16.

Day 5 Body's wrecked but in a happy way. Gonna keep training & studying. Did a bit of leg-lifting-while-laying-down, whatever that's actually called. That was all for the training today. Watched Berkeley CS 61A up to lesson 11. Skipped 5 and 6 because that was a guest lecture.

Day 4 Haven't felt good for a long time. Better find some positivity that isn't far-fetched. Did some squats, push-ups and 3 kg dumbbells. This feels nice. Also watched Berkeley's CS 61A up to lesson 4. Then had a nosebleed.

Day 3 Stayed up reading until 4 am. Body feels fucked up.

Day 2 Caught a cold from the sudden drop in temperature. Yesterday was a lot of sleeping. Hoping I can fortify my frail body slowly. Any kind of proper exercise feels very much out of my reach Yes. From the other 20-day-ish streaks I had, I understand that just counting the days doesn't magically move me forward.

Day 1 Oh hello. I like where this is going. Morning feels much nicer when you're not diving straight into distractions. The summer heat's subsided quite abruptly and my body is confused. Must take care. Yeah, I'm ready to admit this is a heavy heavy stone to lift. Whatever it is. I'm sorry to hear you are not feeling your best. Take your time and be kind to yourself. Baby steps are the tangible steps that take you places. Yes, these last couple of weeks I have been gaming from time to time. Turned out to be a bad idea. I was thinking my focus shouldn't be on game-quitting, but then I don't have any focus when I'm playing games. It still holds that I need to focus on my personality and how it's holding me back from life. Abstaining from distractions is a means to said end. Going to try learning Python again, because I'm quite certain I enjoy and excel at that kind of thing.

Day 0 The last few days have been like the "Just don't take heroin" skit from Mitchell and Webb. "Just stay sane and practice self-care". Even if I hate games, "just staying away" isn't possible when I also get sucked in by games. Going cold turkey for 90 days.

Day 10 or something, what am I counting? Feeling very self-neglecty today. Need to be sane. Made myself a decent lunch with leftover stuff. Proud of that.

Day 7 Started doing my little morning stretch routine again. I should exercise more. Cleaned my room fairly thoroughly. Feeling refreshed.

Day 6 Having big grandiose ideas might be useful as a entrepreneur or politician. That is, making it as a functional narcissist is a path. But to be realistic, I need good mentors/friends and financial independence to do that. So far I haven't found either. Also I don't particularly want to be an entrepreneur or politician. What I want to be, I currently have no idea. No idea as in not a single idea.

Day 4 Got very wanky. Gonna take a shower and come back for some journaling. I am back. Feeling clean and well. Reading and listening to gender equalitist stuff made me dive into that all familiar mode of "I'm gonna make this my job and be brilliant". Once in the mode, I picture these specific situations where I'm in front of people, doing the thing professionally and killing it. I'm also very socially influential and famous. Well. In reality I'm not. And I'm not going to be a professional anything any time soon. Maybe I'll write a paragraph in my thesis, and that's it. I'm also not going to have a famous curry place, or be a prominent environment activist, or even be a vegan. All of which, from time to time, I convince myself I am. I need to make my grandiose imagination shut up. It only leads me into the darker side of the cycle that is narcissism. And in the meantime, I should just do what I can do right now.

Day 3 Natto is genius. Reading on gender. Also booked an appointment at the school career counsellor.

Starting to think differently about games and such. Do I really need to be 100% perfectly free from distractions? Isn't that just another iteration of my recurring perfectionist dead-ends? What I really might need to do, like, right away, is to wrestle with my perfectionist/narcissist personality. My habit of acting like a shithead wanker and self-neglecting all day is most likely a key component of the narcissist cycle. When a covert narcissist like me is in danger of being mediocre, they make sure to be straight down terrible, in order to defend theirself. Therefore practicing self care and keeping myself sane should be a more practical goal than quit games. I hate games enough that it would suffice to work toward the goal of "practice self care" anyway. Not doing things that I hate is implied therein.

Day 2 This all the way. I don't have this view of self, not in a grounded, real or sustained way. My parents are slightly dysfunctional people in their own rights, I suppose. A lack of trust, empathy and self-respect is what I learnt from them. Thanks for the thoughtful words. Yes, I do feel that viewing myself objectively helps self respect. Gonna get myself some breakfast for a start ?

Day 1 I am well rested and hungry. Going to get myself a breakfast. - 10:28 am Been thinking about my issues. My former psychiatrist told me about the way I function: I need to be brilliant. And when that's not seeming easy I choose not to try, rather than try and end up being mediocre. He also gave me the name for that problem, Narcissistic Personality Disorder. But how to fix that, I never really understood, since our sessions proved to be very expensive and annoyingly slow. - 6:52 pm

Thanks Phoenixking! I will do that now. 1) I feel like this relapse was waiting to happen since April. That's when I slacked and started 2 weeks late to every class this semester. Must avoid that mistake next time. That is be aware when school starts. Simple. 2) I have been feeling too much guilt for all sorts of things lately. Spending money that I didn't earn. Buying one-use plastic stuff. Being at a class that I haven't been attending very consistently. Need to relax and have a more complex view of myself & society. 3) I didn't have a goal to work for. This relapse was also an experiment into being a game streamer, and now I understand I'm not very good at that. My goal from now on will be to graduate (in whatever messed up form) and get a job that I can even partly relate to. Thank you man. I will keep coming back to this journal. Ganbali masu. (I prefer L as a representation of ら sound ? )

Day 0 Binged hard on games & other internet things the last 2 weeks. Ended up screwing up most of this term's classes. Let's try again. What I am thinking right now: I want to graduate and get a day job. Because I want to be financially independent & be with my brilliant gf. Therefore games & internet stuff don't have a place in my life. I need to take self care more seriously. Eating 3 meals a day (at least 2 meals + a large snack) is the foundation to making action. This is going to be a difficult summer for me.

Day 0 Oh shit. I don't know anymore. I need to get a effing grip.

Day 12 Going to find myself some summer clothes with the help of my gf.

Day 11 Well. Only started on the paper yesterday and got distracted. Distracted as in watched YouTube shit until 4 am. Need to get a grip.

I'm looking to join a local volunteer clean-up team from next Saturday. It should be a good place to start making friends. Whether I'm quitting school or not, I should go get myself a job. Being able to support myself would be a great change.

Day 10 Planning to get a short paper done today. Just a short one to get a sense of achievement.

Thanks for your kind words. Yes. I need to change the way I see myself & the world around me. That is undeniably the root of my current unhappiness & mental dead end. I dunno how to put this, but not having friends in school still seems very unchangeable to me. The people around me & the major that I study (both of which I hate) are all part of the mistake that I made 4 years ago. I can see I'm being very stubborn here. But that's how I see it right now.

Day 9 Another day doing nothing, feeling numb, not happy for a minute. General self neglect.

I suppose that's right. What I can't change is that being in school 2 years longer than everyone around makes me hate myself.