taichi

Doing well.

Back to my abstention.

Thank you karabas. Dear me I have been doing that. Will try to minimize intake. Needed a day for this one to sink in, but you are very utterly right. Games are hardly on my mind right now. Still a long way to go, but I made a step. Thanks so much. I shall keep going. "Revolution from Within" by Gloria Steinem sorted me out single-handedly. Quite the read.

Very much this again. Feeling guilt about everything.

I am a piece of shit.

Feeling much less like a piece of shit.

Fuck I relapsed. Coldturkey 100-day block ended and I somehow justified "playing for a couple minutes" and the week that followed was hell. Now I'm on a 10-year block. Feeling like a piece of shit.

I should learn to make myself happy each day. I should also admit that the computer screen hardly ever makes me happy. Edit: also wanking never makes me happy. all there ever is on the other end is regret and fatigue.

Today was shit. I can't see my life going anywhere nice. I feel too tired to try anything. Here is a breakdown of why I might be feeling like shit. I am currently very hungry. I am feeling nauseous because I mistakenly drank tea with caffeine. I am physically exhausted from spending the weekend with my young and hyperactive cousin. I am stressed out because every path that I can imagine myself taking in the future is both lonely and painful. Because I cannot permit myself to live happily when I see the world around me turning to shit.

Day something (probably 53) Spent the weekend at the mountainside with family and friends. I learnt that my cousin has abandoned his smartphone and gaming consoles because he thinks they are no good. At age 13. I am so happy about him. It was great fun just cleaning off all the dust that had accumulated. The place we stayed at used to be my grandfather's personal workplace. This has been the longest I have come without playing video games, but I don't feel like that really makes a change. I spend most of my days in front of my computer, mindlessly entertained. Being in front of the screen puts me in a certain dazed state, and it does not feel nice.

Day 47 Back feeling quite nice.

Day 43 This one is a morning log. I've been binge-watching videos quite a lot the last couple of days. Readjusted my Cold Turkey filter to include all those mindless browsing loopholes. Also these 5+ hour video watching and smirking sessions always lead to a wank. Yesterday was 9 hours video and 2 wanks. My mood is at its lowest this morning. The workout programs at the care centre are optional. My thought behind joining in on Tuesday was that regaining physical strength was 1st priority for me. It turns out a 1 hour workout was far outside my muscles' capacities. Walking around is still painful after 3 days. It was simply the wrong thing to do ---- especially since I have an addiction. I can't afford to be knackered and moody half a week straight.

Day 41 Met up with uni freshers year friends. Grateful that I have people to have proper chats with. Browsed the library for something fun to read. Picked up a book by Mita Munesuke. Body is knackered from the workout on Tuesday. Walking was painful.

Day 39, 40 Yesterday did an hour of workout at the care centre. Today basically stayed still other than having a warm bath.

Day 38 Spent a sedentary day at home. Feeling slightly feverish and very tired.

Day 37 Made curry and had sex with my girlfriend. Still quite shattered.

Day 36 Attended the Saturday program. Very tired.

Day 35 Slept 12 hours. Woke up with some fierce fatigue all over my body. Karate was a bit too much for me. Made and ate lunch at home, then joined the night program at the care centre. Today's night program was Cooking. In a physically shattered state like today, my usual self would have binged hard on internet poop. Sure enough, I found myself browsing meaningless trash when I should have been leaving home. Having something to look forward to is such a simple but effective answer to my problems.

Days 33 - 34 The journal doesn't feel right without this day xx format ? Not that it means anything but... Spent most of yesterday at my old friend's house, talked with him about my situation, did some good old yu-gi-oh. Ended up staying over. Left his place this morning and spent the day at the care centre. Today's program was SST (social skills training), Karate, and Mindfulness Meditation.

Starting to feel that morning journaling isn't a great idea. Much better to keep the PC turned off and get going with my day.

Evening Can't make up my mind about what I want to do. Well I want to improve my physicals but what to do with that? I think I want to learn some useful maths, because I love maths, but can't really decide what. Bought a beginners' book on information theory.

Morning Feeling quite normal. That's been a while actually. Woke up, did my stretches, brushed my teeth, straight into the shower, banana and nuts for breakfast. That's a proper morning. I'm very happy with myself.

Day 31 Starting to feel like I'm only counting the days. Need to make it clear why and what I am doing. What I am doing : I am trying to take online gaming out of my life. Why I am doing that : Because it has been hijacking my life, leaving me with very few moments of consciousness. I ought to do stuff with the freed up time, but really don't have the energy to. That's where I've been for a couple of weeks. Maybe I'm telling myself to do the wrong stuff. My perfectionism is only a search for excuses: I can't x until I've studied y. Everything seems impossibly far away under that perfectionist mille-feuille of lenses, but perhaps most everything is right in front of me. The number of days really doesn't matter, so the count-up ends today.

Day 30 Shat myself up by allowing the iPhone into my house. Binged on YouTube crap for 5 hours or something. The awful thing is last night my mother asked me a favour that required an iPhone, and I made that an excuse for reversing my own past decisions. The result is me wanking and gagging on garbage videos, refusing to feed my sad hungry self. I should have just said no, that is not possible, I don't touch the iPhone, the iPhone stays outside the house. Considering selling it so I don't need to go through this shitstorm ever again.

Day 29 Body is wrecked. Doing this much exercise a few times a week will be amazing.