Tom2

Day 3 - 역시 생산적인 날이었다! - 또다른 번역작업을 했다. (한국어 자막 만듦) 번역을 할 때면 한번에 세 시간이나 집중할 수 있다는 걸 알게 됐다. 토목공학 공부를 할 때에 비하면 훨씬 집중하기 쉽다. 토목공학 공부를 할 때면, 25분마다 쉬어야만 했다. 내일은 토목 공부를 할거다. 번역은 점점 줄일거다. 왜냐하면 주로 토목 공부를 하기로 했으니까. 그게 내 계획이었으니까. - 아빠네 동료들과 저녁을 먹었다. 그들 모두가 토목 일을 하는 사람들이다. 그 중 한 분과 좋은 얘길 나눴다. 앞으로 좀더 용기있게 살고 싶다. 처음엔 별로 같이 저녁을 먹고 싶지 않았다. 그런데 그렇게 나쁘진 않았다. 아직까진 새로운 사람들을 만나는 게 불편하다. 그 시간이 지나가서 기쁘다. - 밤에 부모님 차를 작은 주차 공간에 정말 잘 주차시켰다. 정말 완벽하게 잘 했다. 운전하는 것도 재밌었다. 정말 부드럽게 잘 했다. - 우울증 모임 사이트가 있어서 한번 가볼 계획이다. 거의 버려진 곳이지만 새 글이 몇 개 있었다. - 오늘 밤이나 내일 대학 친구들에게 다시 연락할 거다. 한 주쯤 전에 우울해졌을 때 연락을 안 했고, 그게 두번째 일어나는 일이었다. 미안하게 생각한다...

Day 3 - was also productive! - Another translation. (Made Korean subtitles) I found out that I can concentrate on the translation work 3 hours straight. Compared to studying civil engineering, it's much easier to focus on. When I study civil engineering, I have to break every 25 minutes. Tomorrow I want to study civil engineering. I'm going to do less translation because I'm going to study civil engineering mainly. That was what my plan is. - Had a dinner with my father's coworkers. They are all civil engineers. I had some good conversation with one of them. I want to be more brave from now on. I didn't want to have dinner with them at first. However I think it wasn't too bad. I'm still not comfortable to meet new people. I'm happy because that moment just had passed. - I parked my dad's car at a small space so well this night. It was a perfect parking. I enjoyed driving. It went so well and smooth. - I'm going to visit a small site where people who have depression gather. It's almost abandoned but I found new posts there. - I'm going to say sorry to my university friends tonight or tomorrow. It was the second time that I didn't reply their messages when I had depression about a week ago. I'm sorry for them.

Good news! I hope there was another Korean user someday ;(

Well, I think that moment could be relaxing time. You can do better from now on. Don't think of it as a big thing...

★★★★★★★

You're right. I just wanted to push myself when I feel ok. When tough time comes, I'm going to get rest without concern this time . Until then, I want to do my best.

Day 2 는 열심히 산 날이었음 - 부모님 집에 있는 고장난 것들과 치워야될 것들을 해결했다. - 2학기에 대비해서 다시 공부하기 시작했다.

Day 2 was productive - fixed & cleaned a lot of things in my parent's house. - Began studying again for the next semester.

Thanks Al. I want to change this time. I appreciate your advice.

Day 1 - Submitted subtitles of this video. I'm glad it's been approved What To Do If You Relapse And Start Gaming Again - Translated the article for parents [KO] 13 Things to Remember If You Love a Gaming Addict The original one is here. https://gamequitters.com/13-things-remember-love-gaming-addict/ I did this just for fun. - Wrote a story of my relapse. + made some plans. https://forum.gamequitters.com/topic/4216-the-most-stupid-and-retarded-relapse-at-important-time/

Hello everyone. I'm here to write my bad decision. I had never played games for 45 days, but I had been playing it for 9 days in a row. I'm looking at my daily journals now... and I was doing quite well at that time. I did my best doing lots of university assignments, and team projects. I kept living based on my daily routine. I had been doing my best even though I was taking bunch of stress. It was 9th of June(Friday) when I started playing again. I don't remember what the trigger was. On Friday, I attended 3 hours of morning class. After that, I can't recall things that I did correctly. (Ah I remember one thing. I was doing another assignment. I was exhausted and depressed because it seemed like an easy thing, but it took couple of hours. I couldn't stand because I felt powerless) All I can remember is that I began to miss my gamer friend for some reason. There was no one that I can talk about my misery. I had my college friends but I didn't want to bother them with my problem. I had already told them my situation so if I tell them again, it would be hilarious and crazy. There was second option, this forum, but I didn't want to mess the forum because I didn't want to show my madness. I feel ... kind of alien to this forum for some reason... I don't know. It's complex....ak;fjda;s;fj; aiosjfdkaj de;fj ;iejf;i.. sorry. Anyway, I just wanted to log in and say hello. After that, I began playing like crazy again. The most stupid part was that there were 4 final exams next week.(3 subjects on Tuesday and 1 subject on Friday) Of course I wasted the valuable weekend. I began to think. 'Should I start studying even now?' The answer from deep inside me was "no". I just thought, 'there's no point of getting small number of questions. Don't even waste your time going to school. If you can't get a lot, it's useless. Your attempt will only leave pain.' I... am maybe ... I don't know. I don't know why I should keep living. I think it's fear that holds me back from killing myself. For the same reason, I gave up the Friday final exam. I didn't go to school for that 9 days. I just ... didn't leave my room for those days. I'm sure that I will get a lot of 'F's. My friends at school called or sent messages to contact me, but I couldn't pick up my phone. I really don't know what to do during that situation. I just want to disappear like air. Nobody can see air, right? I know some of you may laugh at me. I don't care. I deserve it. HAHA It's... confusing because I am writing a bad, crappy story but I feel funny. Please be generous to me. I was crying about an hour ago, watching Cam's video, thinking of my dark, black future. I think I'm not stable now. I couldn't sleep until 3 am yesterday. I turned off every light and lied on my bed, with my eyes open for 3 hours. I didn't take any drugs, alcohol, or anything that related to the mood. Perhaps it's because of the crying. I heard somewhere, people feel better after crying. It's funny because I'm both high, and depressed. But when I see my face with a mirror, I'm frowning. I don't know. Whatever, this is not the point... right.. After the spring semester, I ... Wait a minute... I just wanted to share this thing. It's very interesting. In summary, there are total 8 semesters in my university. I was doing really great for the 2 semesters in 2013. 2 semesters in 2014 were soso. I got 2 F. This semester in 2017, is soooooooooooooooooooooo bad. I think I should stay at the university for one more semester... (total 8 → 9 semesters or more) There's no guarantee that I would be successful for the rest of 3-4 semesters. It's not the point... The point is that I have to learn something from this relapsing. After relapse, things I've figured out are... 1. I fear exams(+ assignments) pressure. It makes me escape because I dislike sitting on a chair in a classroom, holding my pencil, spending time writing nothing or 'almost' nothing or something that's not correct. It's so painful to acknowledge that I'm no longer smart in civil engineering subjects. It's also painful to acknowledge that I'm not that efficient like I was studying my favourite subjects such as Korean, English, biology, and programming. My favorite subjects are gone, and never going to appear on my curriculum anymore. It feels like I was riding a motor boat but after some time, the motor falls off and I must only use a paddle. I have to face the problem and do things that I can grasp, one by one.(It's easy to tell but hard to do for me) But my low efficiency, or my lack of aptitude is making me so slow. There are tons of things to review, and practice. It sounds like an excuse, but it's overwhelming. In the next figure, I'm on the 'anxiety' section. That's the exact description. It's hard to get rid of perfectionism from my brain. Perfectionism and escapism are usually at the same place, in my case. I become so weak when I figure out that I cannot finish the required amount of study(or assignments). (from wikipedia) 2. I fail also when I have a lot of time. Especially when it's holiday or weekend. I still found myself using Youtube videos or websurfing as relaxation, or reward. As it gets compulsive, the time left disappears and the situation goes #1. It's procrastination. Why do I procrastinate? Because I'm not interested in civil engineering. Then why don't I change? Because I think it's too late. Plus, I don't know what to do to earn money in the future. Then I should just shut up and study! The answer is clear! My problems come from running away! Let's be brave this time. It's time to act, not just thinking, and justifying. 3. I miss my gamer friend. Well, I don't know. It would be so comfortable if I can just delete this person like removing games from my laptop. It didn't happen a lot during my 45 days of half-detox. It happened almost once a week during 45 days. I think it's not a big deal... because the main boss is 'perfectionism and escapism' duo. I don't have a specific plan for this. I should check Cam's video again. My summer break plan As my brain is so empty and clean, I'm going to fill it up. It's preparation for the next semester, and total review for the past ones. I'm not going to read every textbooks. The summer break is almost 2 months. It's short. I'm going to prepare for a civil engineer certificate, which is easier than the university level exam. To get the certificate, I have to cover every chapters of every subjects, so it would be a good opportunity to review the curriculum. The test will be taken early in the next year, so I also have winter break. My goal is to get proper grades in autumn semester by preparing civil engineer certification test. Speed is the key. I won't study too deeply. I can't get hired at a huge company because of my spring semester. But it's okay.

(통계는 주요 이벤트들만. 학교수업시간, 자는 시간, 이동 시간 제외. 클릭 시 커짐) 게임 끊은지 #45일째 오늘 일과 요약( 잘한 일 / 못한 일 ) - 슬래브 설계 조별과제(95% 진행)+15% #45일 통계

(Only major events. lecture time, bed time, and time on the road are not included. click the image to see bigger picture) Day #45 Summary of Day ( Good work / Bad work ) - slab design team project(95% done)+15% Statistics of #45 days

(통계는 주요 이벤트들만. 학교수업시간, 자는 시간, 이동 시간 제외. 클릭 시 커짐) 게임 끊은지 #43일째 오늘 일과 요약( 잘한 일 / 못한 일 ) - 슬래브 설계 조별과제(80% 진행)+20% 구조역학 과제(0% 진행) #43일 통계

(Only major events. lecture time, bed time, and time on the road are not included. click the image to see bigger picture) Day #43 Summary of Day ( Good work / Bad work ) - slab design team project(80% done)+20% Structural mechanics assignment(0% done) Statistics of #43 days

(통계는 주요 이벤트들만. 학교수업시간, 자는 시간, 이동 시간 제외. 클릭 시 커짐) 게임 끊은지 #42일째 오늘 일과 요약( 잘한 일 / 못한 일 ) - 슬래브 설계 조별과제(60% 진행) 구조역학 과제(0% 진행) - 음... 쪽팔리네... 내일은 더 잘해야겠다. 압박이 조금 느슨해질 때 놀고 싶은 마음이 생겨서 놀게 되는 것 같다. '에이 아직 시간 좀 있는데 뭐'하면서... #42일 통계

(Only major events. lecture time, bed time, and time on the road are not included. click the image to see bigger picture) Day #42 Summary of Day ( Good work / Bad work ) - slab design team project(60% done) Structural mechanics assignment(0% done) - ahh crap... I'm embarrassed... I promise I will do better tomorrow. I had wasted time because it was a period that the pressure had been relieved. I thought, 'ummm... it's okay to play because I have more time...' Statistics of #42 days

Except studying, my free-time activities are watching Youtube videos, news, reading game quitter forum threads, drawing some funny pictures via graphic tools, and talking to my friends via messenger. These days I'm trying to decrease amount of time watching Youtube videos because it's basically similar to wasting time playing video games. It's not gonna decline drastically, but constantly. Watching news is a good thing but it's not necessary for me so I watch it usually when I eat food. Reading forum thread is very interesting. I have to spend more time to reply to other people's thread than native speakers, so I don't reply a lot... I have to think a little bit more to write some sentences. It is a good hobby because it helps me learn more English. Also, I can find out other people's view. It's a very great thing. In my case, it's hard to talk to other people about game addiction. On the internet, it's easy to discuss that subject. That's why I like to read.(and sometimes reply) I like to draw funny pictures I usually talk to my friends via messenger when they are far from my location. I tried drawing a few times using Windows paint, and it was a great thing to enjoy. My friends and I laughed a lot making some dumb pictures. Until the end of this month, I'm busy studying at an university so I can't draw a lot. However, After this month, the semester ends, and I'm going to draw pictures using a program called 'Gimp'. I'm looking forward to learning that software. Besides all of these, I sometimes feel really bad because of my low self-esteem. Main reasons why I suffer are perfectionism, procrastinating, and escapism. When I have a hard time studying alien things in engineering, I watch Cam's videos that fit into my situation. I've made a playlist of mine here. https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLcTsF_xIb6_Ln9wSODuptAQMXE8uqTNq0 In my case, the most frustrating moment is when I spend a lot of time trying to figure out one small part in a textbook, but not going well. Even if I figure out how to do something by spending a bunch of time, there are lots of things to do that are not capable of doing all for me. In addition, I was a smart students until high school. But now, I'm no longer a good student. That fact makes me sad sometimes. When that thought come up in my mind, I think to myself, that I'm having a new start so that I have to start from the bottom. Lowering the bar is also a good way to stabilize my mind. I'm going to raise the bar slowly, considering my situation. I had been setting the goals too high. Dealing with my stress is also an important part of life. I've learned it during this 90 days. I'm sure that there must be more hard days from now, but I want to overcome. It won't be a perfect life, but I want to keep going.

(통계는 주요 이벤트들만. 학교수업시간, 자는 시간, 이동 시간 제외. 클릭 시 커짐) 게임 끊은지 #41일째 오늘 일과 요약( 잘한 일 / 못한 일 ) - 토질역학 과제(100% 진행)+100% 수문학 조별과제(60% 진행)슬래브 설계 조별과제(60% 진행) 구조역학 과제(0% 진행) #41일 통계

(Only major events. lecture time, bed time, and time on the road are not included. click the image to see bigger picture) Day #41 Summary of Day ( Good work / Bad work ) - soil mechanics assignment(100% done)+100% hydrology team project(60% done) slab design team project(60% done) Structural mechanics assignment(0% done) Statistics of #41 days

(통계는 주요 이벤트들만. 학교수업시간, 자는 시간, 이동 시간 제외. 클릭 시 커짐) 게임 끊은지 #40일째 오늘 일과 요약( 잘한 일 / 못한 일 ) - 수리학 과제(100% 진행)+10%p 토질역학 과제(0% 진행) 수문학 조별과제(60% 진행)+5%p슬래브 설계 조별과제(60% 진행) 구조역학 과제(0% 진행) #40일 통계

(Only major events. lecture time, bed time, and time on the road are not included. click the image to see bigger picture) Day #40 Summary of Day ( Good work / Bad work ) - hydraulics assignment(100% done)+10%p soil mechanics assignment(0% done) hydrology team project(60% done)+5%p slab design team project(60% done) Structural mechanics assignment(0% done) Statistics of #40 days

(통계는 주요 이벤트들만. 학교수업시간, 자는 시간, 이동 시간 제외. 클릭 시 커짐) 게임 끊은지 #39일째 오늘 일과 요약( 잘한 일 / 못한 일 ) - 수리학, 수문학 과제 좀 더 함. 수요일까지 수리학 과제(90% 진행)+20%p 목요일까지 구조역학 과제(0% 진행) 금요일까지 토질역학 과제(0% 진행) 금요일까지 수문학 조별과제(55% 진행)+5%p다음주 월요일까지 슬래브 설계 조별과제(60% 진행) 39일 통계 (파란 선 볼 것) - 잘 안 된 날도 있었지만, 계속 열심히 하려고 노력하는 중.

(Only major events. lecture time, bed time, and time on the road are not included. click the image to see bigger picture)Day #39Summary of Day ( Good work / Bad work ) - Progress in hydraulics, and hydrology. until Wednesday, hydraulics assignment(90% done)+20%p until Thursday, Structural mechanics assignment(0% done) until Friday, soil mechanics assignment(0% done) until Friday, hydrology team project(55% done)+5%p until next Monday, slab design team project(60% done) Statistics of 39 days (Check the blue line) - There were a lot of crappy days, but I've been trying constantly to do my best.

Setting deadlines works usually well, but sometimes it really makes me feel like dead... just kidding.. I think difference between your department and mine is that civil engineering doesnt require high level of calculus. I dont see a lot of calculus in my textbooks. Even if theres not many calculus, I still struggle with amount of materials that I have to finish... Perhaps my brain is not good enough to understand the whole subject. Because there are good students here who are doing well enough.