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KoyoteIcarus

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  1. I'll have a look into it, thanks! You are right, just have to remember that it is a one day at a time, the present is the most important as what we do now becomes our past and will affect our future too. Days 4 and 5 (I really keep forgetting to actually post my journal updates, I need to seriously rectify this issue! I will get to posting these daily and in more shorter form too, that's a goal for me right now.) First things first, I have been experiencing a variety of emotions lately but that's also due to a lot going on for me personally at the moment and the recent unfortunate changes in weather in preparation for the upcoming Winter. Some good news is that I cooked another meal which didn't turn out too badly actually, not as good as the same meal I made for the group the day before but it wasn't awful either .Bit too much garlic and it was made to be slightly different too which affected the outcome naturally. I also went out for a meal to my favourite pub/restaurant and absolutely enjoyed it so much, I felt on top of the world briefly! Just such a fantastic meal which blew me away whilst it lasted, I think those moments tend to happen when you need the most and expect them the least funnily enough. Unfortunately, I did wake up at 4 am last night after going to sleep at around 11pm, was unable to go back to sleep but I did a bit of sorting out through the clutter in my room and just really enjoyed relaxing whilst listening to some beautiful and soothing Irish music. I am realising some things about myself that are actually pleasantly surprising for the most part, I feel like I'm starting to learn more about myself and who I really am, I think I've brought it up before at least once but definitely feeling it happening now. Also some more good news is, I was tempted to play on the WiiU whilst watching TV downstairs (new Dr Who episode mainly) and you know what's really funny? I couldn't bring myself to actually play anything! I already have removed almost all the downloaded games I have on there, I have no desire to play the games I have especially Mario Kart and the two Dynasty Warriors type games I have, which are some of the most guilty for causing and amplifying addictions in the first place in my opinion! I'm getting that feeling towards my PC and PC gaming too, I was hardly on the PC these last few days and I can't wait to one day realise my Steam profile will finally go from one extreme of saying an average of 120 hours playtime in a fortnight (!!!!) to 0 every fortnight from now on in the future! That sounds so exciting to me, it feels like esaping a 'prison'/'cage', in fact one of my favourite songs which is by Nightwish alludes to this kind topic! (The Escapist) I'm sure I do know some similar songs too, but this one in particular works quite nicely :). I'm thinking of wiping my data on my WiiU and packing it all up and selling it onwards or trading it in to a game shop even. I'm not sure what do with my PC but I'd like to think and hope I won't depend on it anymore in the future, it just will be an ocassionally used, useful tool for me that could lead me to career opportunities even or just somehow a better, brighter future. It's been the biggest source of my addictions by far due to the Internet and Steam in particular, hence I think that sage advice I've heard of disconnecting from everything and letting your brain 'reboot' is more vital than I ever realised before. I'm definitely feeling the improvements despite the struggles I've had and having at times with not having the PC to distract me anymore. I didn't honestly think I'd enjoy cutting down my videogame addiction especially before i discovered GameQuitters, but gradually my mind is recovering and my enjoyment is returning in general. I've noted as well as my family have noticed it lately that generally I'm more social, calmer and relaxed than I have been in years and I definitely feel like I am too. I am having my struggles but that's all a part of the journey of self-improvement and turning my life around, it will all be for the better ultimately, I'm sure of that. I know this was meant to be brief, but I guess old habits are hard to beat! Definitely not impossible, but absolutely doable of course. The pain, the struggle, the resistance are part of the process, they must be experienced for you to be molded into something better, oh man! I just remembered an awesome motivational wallpaper I found with a quote regarding to that! I'm not sure if you guys would agree with it but here it is for anyone interested: http://www.walldevil.com/wallpapers/a89/alexis-carrel-marble-sculptor.jpg Also, this one is currently my wallpaper to help motivate me :): http://alatriste22.deviantart.com/art/Life-527449026
  2. LOL! Not sure if I should be 'proud' of that? I like to think over time, the longer I manage to quit gaming and thus get away from the addiction, the more I can refine myself down including how much I talk online. I was watching your videos just now and it made me think about how much the addiction has changed me, like transformed me into the opposite of what I was. I definitely have a lot of problems with lack of organisation, self control and just excess all round now, so I can't wait to see how much I can change again and this time for the better :).
  3. [email protected] Thank you! It genuinely is the most challenging thing I've tried to do in years, I thought learning to cook was hard! Haha But I tell you what, 3 years ago, I couldn't even cook yet here I am now able to cook meals for myself and others quite often at least! Gaming is such an addictive and destructive habit, the industry has changed over the years and whilst there may still be really good games out there potentially, I think the industry enough has become too big for it's own good or at least for the people who loved it so much at least. All the horror stories I've heard over the last few years at least of horrid business practises towards and by developers, scams and hacking, the whole Gamergate fiasco (which I still ongoing I think?), controversies with certain big-name publishers and loads of other problems too, it just seems so much bigger and more complicated than it ever was and thus comes with all sorts of new experiences for the better but especially the worst in my opinion. Although granted some of these problems did exist back then but when the entire industry grows so much, everything associated with is is bound to scale with it respectively. To be honest, I wanted to really pursue a very specialised future in regards to cooking. I love doing it and it's such a feel good thing for me, I have controversies around it now, due to some realisations about myself including what I really believe in and want, which is really complicating things for me now. I nearly ended up volunteering for a vegetarian cafe a year or two ago at least and was reminded of it recently, where I was also reminded that I wished that I had worked for them after all. It's something I'd like to look into now actually, would suit my 'true beliefs' regarding my eating habits and cooking (I want to become vegetarian ideally, vegan even although thats still unsure). I am really conflicted about who I am and I want to be, but I know this all natural and necessary and also for the 'greater good' regarding myself. I've been 'burying' all these problems I've had for so many years and tried to distract myself with my addictions particularly to avoid confronting and resolving them. That's a very kind offer thank you! I am quite introverted though (although a 'social introvert' possibly?) and I tend to get worn out by just interacting online and posting on here for instance, like I need to 'recharge'. I think I used to be a lot more social back in the day as I literally was but to due to extreme changes in my life and behaviour, I ended up becoming more introverted and thus not used to it. I'll definitely consider it though thank you, I do prefer posting on here as I can get feedback from others as well but i'll think about it, thank you again! That's no worries haha, I appreciate you reading and responding to my post regardless, I appreciate all the consideration . I'm glad you are doing multiple volunteering activities! Not many people can persevere enough to try them! I only do one and it is working in IT to help people's computer problems at school. Thanks again haha, I do love it to be honest especially the 2nd job! I did have a long-time dream of helping people, I realised recently it was heavily influenced by this girl I knew in high school who was literally the only person aside from some teachers of course, to treat me so kindly and respectfully. She was in love with me I think as she pursued my attention for years and tried to help me out so many times, even showing a little too much interest in me in front of others. But I think she did admit her feelings to a teacher at one point and I think the teacher was trying to hint to me at the time what happened at least but I didn't catch on due to being so 'dense' :P. She was so good to me though, she really tried to help me here and there and I've vowed to never let myself forget her more than anyone outside my own family because she hugely inspired me at least to try and be a far better person than I already was. I wanted to 'do it for her' for her to be honest, I've dreamt of returning to her one day (kinda like Luffy with Shanks in the Japanese manga series 'One Piece' :P) and letting her see who I've become and how much she was 'responsible' for it :3. I was too afraid to talk to her, never mind tell her that I felt the same for her and I'm pretty certain even our final years of school (where we both were in 6th form) she still had feelings for me tbh. If there is one thing I truly regret more than anything includiny my gaming addiction, its 'letting her down so much' to be honest. She was so selfless, kind, friendly and caring to me, kinda like my own 'personal hero' that I knew directly. 'If only she knew' as Lemar once nicely sang about ! It probably also helps at the 2nd job especially, I've got a few people there who are older and just so much friendlier, mature and respectful. They're such a pleasure to be around generally and they even joked that they've become my fans at least recenty due to my 'awesome IT skills' LOL! I never thought that would be what impresses women but to be fair, when I started high school, my IT teacher in the first year was actually my favourite Physics teacher as well and he was impressed by how much of an 'IT Wiz' I was and I ended up teaching and helping the class myself including that girl I mentioned especially hahaha. The only time I seemed to be able to talk to her is to help her with her computer, LOL! Jeez, I was so 'bad'. Michael Jackson probably claims he dedicated that song to me! I tend to fear provoking drama/controversy mentioning him though in anyway due to what happened with him over the recent years at least. He was my one of my idols growing up though, just for his music really especially Smooth Criminal and Earth Song. I keep rambling on so randomly, so much for being 'introverted'? I've been trying to help a local shopkeeper to use his laptop and i wish I had the patience and I focus I used to have, I feel like I'm not able to help as much as I can and should be doing because of my issues with them and it's frustrating. Ultimately, it's giving me more motivation to 'sort myself out' though, to quit the addiction! That sounds cool though, what you're doing I mean. Would you mind elaborating on that by any chance? I don't mind if you don't want to of course :). Yeah I think I was but not trying to inflate my ego (at least too much :P) but I was also inspired by 'someone e;se' before that high school girl. There was this pet dog my family had when I was living with my family back home in Africa (I'm in the UK now, moved here when I was 8) and tshe was the kindest animal I've ever known personally.She was a mother to 2 of the other dogs and I still remember this one time particularly when I fell over badly outside the house and was in tears around 6-7 years old maybe and she bolted into the house (luckily the doors were all open) and barked at my family till they came outside to see me. It sounds extraordinary possibly(it does to me at least) and it probably is, its one of the many reasons I love animals so much .I felt like she really cared about me like one of her own. When I left them behind to move here, I was absolutely heartbroken and in tears, I ended up hugging her in particular and giving her a kind of speech/long goodbye before I left. It took me years for most of the pain of it to go away but there's always still that bit of pain that never goes away. I'm grateful I knew them and got to spend time with them whilst it lasted though. Thank you again though, I do appreciate that a lot and I'd like to think even if I wasn't that great a person, I definitely will be in time, I'm certainly working on it and on the way there :). I have the dream of wanting to help other people and animals after all, a dream I really need to make sure I remember and make happen! I will try to thank you, it's definitely far from easy but I guess the best things in life are worth the struggle and quitting the addiction will be one of the best things to happen to me respectively! (I've written this much already!? Yikes! ) @Cam Yeah definitely, I've seen and/or heard you say (I'm sure I have) that using small goals to boost yourself is the key to success. Being proud of the little achievements to make the bigger ones much more feasible to do. Its like this analogy of mine I like to use: "You have to take a staircase a step at a time", similar to the proverb about journeys that inspired my journal's title but heyo :p, Gonna watch some of your videos in a few minutes, including that one you just linked of course :). Going to be making an early dinner too, quite excited about it as I'm repeating a dish I made yesterday for one of the charities that I volunteer with and it turned out BRILLIANT, even if I must do say so myself! (I tend to be harsh on myself when it comes to doing things though!) Thank you though, I do need to work on doing that! @Tom Thank you Tom :), that's definitely reassuring and even inspiring for me to be honest! Yeah, that is a really good point! It feels like a one-sided relationship which are never good in my opinion and especially in my case where I am the one 'losing out' too. I do enjoy meeting new people and I've really liked getting to know people on here including you guys of course :D! As you and others have said, I think the right people will come along especially when you make the right steps and choices in life. I'm really starting to see my friends very differently to how I used to and not for their benefit anymore, I'm much more critical of them now and see them for what they really are now. Oh yes, definitely! Getting a good night sleep feels so good! Especially when you're really tired or/and been lacking sleep lately! That certainly seems to make sense and it is absolutely true in my experience, I have noticed I am more 'negative' with less sleep yet yesterday at the group I was much cheerier due to getting a lot of sleep and I was even getting along really well with the most hot-headed person there! LOL Me and her have clashed in the past nastily but we've also had some really nice moments together (as friends, behave!). I remember last year, I ended up waking up in the middle of the night to write her a letter telling her she wasn't alone and that we really cared about her and would miss her if she was gone for any reason etc because somehow I felt something was wrong and she needed it. When she received it, she burst into tears and thought it was a love confession too LOL! I wouldn't have minded that outcome but I don't know if me and her can ever be 'compatible' realistically and she has a bf now who she's really happy with so far, so let's hope it works out. He seems to be a good lad and good for her too, she's dated some real nasty at least 'twits' in the past tbh, according to what I've heard and seeing how much it seems to have affected her too before. We actually really got along well over cooking yesterday despite our different atitudes, needs and preferences towards food and cooking amongst other things, it actually shocked me as I keep forgetting how genuinely nice, sweet, kind and innocent she can be! I've given her a lot of crap before but I don't think I ever truly meant it and I don't think she truly deserves it at all, far from it possibly. Also to go back to what were meant to be discussing (ah distractions :P), I tend to have nightmares if I sleep too much in the morning or throughout the day especially, I kind of see it as my brain trying to warn me to wake up in the first place and also to sort myself out possibly. I've started remembering positive parts of my life lately with my improved sleeping pattern lately, it's surreal, surreal because I'm so used to being 'cynical' from my on-going, long-term depression particularly of course. But I think my depression is genuinely getting better, definitely FAR better than a few years ago that's for sure! And I'm adamant (not to be confused with 'Adam Ant') to not let myself become that 'dark' again especially for so long and in such a 'destructive' manner too ideally. It all comes down to taking care of ourselves at the end of the day doesn't it? If we can't tand especially don't take care of ourselves, how can we do the same for others and expect them to as well? I was reminded recently from somewhere about how airline safety absolutely insists regardless to put your airmask on before helping anyone else, after all if you died or become incapacitated at least,how can you help anyone else? Gotta have balance in everything I think including selflessness and it's contrast self-centeredness.? (i will add more journal posts later today, I need to respond to everyone elses threads around here too including your threads of course. I want to return the favour to you guys too for what you've done :p. I'll be dedicating some time later at least to do so!)
  4. Days 2 and 3: I'm aiming to try to make these a lot shorter than my usual posts so here goes... To start off, I haven't been sleeping well but last night I did surprisingly and although it may be coming up to midnight right now, I'm heading off to bed after this posts done, no distractions or what not! I think the biggest offender has been the declining temperature of the weather with apparently the worst winter potentially in over 50 years! That's going to be a nightmare at least with my health issues so I need to make sure I'm on 'top of my game' in dealing with it. I unfortunately haven't been finding quitting gaming so 'easy' as expected, it has been very frustrating and I've ended up doing a lot of Internet surfing and watching a lot of videos on Youtube. It definitely is a struggle but the struggle is the very indicator of how bad the problem, the addiction actually is. I haven't been as productive and organised as I like but i know in time especially the recent future, it will happen gradually. I cooked dinner today even though I didn't delegate enough time to do it and it was very last-minute and thus rushed. But I'm aiming to stick to a routine like the one I devised and it may take time and a lot of effort at least to intergrate myself into it, the payoff will be immense in my opinion, especially in the long run. What I've been told on here by fellow Quitters from their experiences has absolutely resonated that. As I mentioned in the previous post above, I saw a glimpse, a reminder of the happiest point of my life and I felt like I was re-living the experiences somewhat. I actually felt really good whilst it lasted, it was overwhelming! I am getting my memories of my past already, the good ones at least I mean, I honestly was thinking I had 'overwritten' them and possibly even lost them worst case scenario! :< Finally, I have been experiencing a lot of shame and regret but it's nice to be feeling emotions in a bittersweet way at least. I am angry at myself but I know I will forgive myself, now that I'm trying to defeat the addiction that has tormented the most by far for so many years now! It's going to be difficult but I've survived far worse in my life, I've survived when I thought I absolutely had no hope and no future, it may ironically been drastically 'helped' by videogames but now they've become more of a hindrance than help to me. I'd love to see a day I can play them in true moderation but the way this consumerism focused society is going including the gaming industry particularly for example, it's a very dark path full of trying to get people addicted and wasting their money as much as possible, a dangerous vice like many others out there (gambling, alcohol, cigarettes etc of course). Whether I like it or not, I want a better future and the main person who will and has to make that happen is me, I've already been fighting for it especially recently and I won't let myself lose willingly, not now, not ever.
  5. Apologies for my recent inactivity, I haven't had much sleep lately aside from last night to be honest. The night before, I managed around 2 hours, that was it! I've had a busy day with a meeting with the 2nd charity I'm volunteering with to try and properly organise a schedule for me volunteering with them in the future. Anyway, first Ill respond to these posts and then make a new journal entry :). @AlexTheGrape Humm...I found it kind of difficult to respond to this actually to be honest. I haven't been able to get Respawn yet unfortunately, as I'm very low on money and need to last till my next funds arrive, I should manage though (especially avoiding any unnecessary spending), hence the imperative to quit gaming of course. I can't agree with deleting my account permanently in all honesty, I can understand why it could be beneficial but I can't bring myself to agree with it. It is ridiculous that we have to resort to that method to do so though, I saw in on there too and truth be told. I guess it does significantly influence the fact that Valve (Steam) want your money regardless. They never used to offer refunds till earlier this year, at least not to so 'easily', more reasons to be suspicious of them. I think Facebook never used to let you truly deactivate your account, it always made it possible to reactivate it but it became possible to eventually delete it permanently in the recent past? It's funny how the things that are free to use are the most dangerous to us, 'Free to Play' games are perfect examples of that! Goes back to that saying, nothing in life is truly 'free', its like I've seen, the time you lose to gaming addictions is far valuable than even the money you will waste on it inevitably. Money can be replaced but your lost time, the moments of your life long gone can never be. And all the ones you missed out on, good luck making them 'happen again'. I considered deleting all my gaming addict friends at least, I probably should have already but I'm still a bit hestitant on it, only a bit of course but still. I think I will do it in time, but I want to give them a chance, an ultimatum even. It may sound harsh but I rather do that than outright delete them permanently even from my friends list without explanation which is inevitably harsher. Although I suppose, if I am inactive on Steam especially, I won't have to worry about contacting them and being 'influenced' by their 'negative vibes', although truth be told, only one of them ever contacts that me and that's occasionally when he 'remembers that I exist 'as I like to say. There is some things about myself I've been largely hesitant to say, I feel like talking about them could help me a lot and potentially others but I'm scared of revealing such personal information online to be honest. It's life-changing stuff literally, but I also feel it's relative to my gaming addiction, in fact I would go as far to say the roots of it even! I am going to get Respawn and I will still keep your idea in consideration of course Alex, thank you very much though, I do very much appreciate and need it ! -edit- (forgot to reply to Tom, for shame! >_<) @Tom Thank you Tom, I appreciate it a lot! Sorry for forgetting to reply to you before I originally made this post! :< @Cam Thank you, will try my best to! I am determined to try to commit to this as well as quitting gaming of course! @Wookie (Joe) Thank you, I can imagine it will be to be honest. Comfort isn't the way to be 'interesting' after all, you have to explore, take risks, grow and inevitably suffer pain in order to make life and yourself more 'interesting'. I was telling one of the staff I work with today about some stories from my 6th form years (extended years at my high school to do college level studies) and how they were my happiest and most succesful and entertaining years of my life actually. I was more daring back then, I didn't try to blend in and be someone I wasn't. I wanted to make my teachers happy and I did some crazy things that weren't actually bad but would make me look like a 'teacher's pet' and just 'weird' in general but what it did for my teachers was unforgettable and gave one of them the best days of his life on the final day of his long-time career and also one of the best moments he's had before his passing not too long after. I was 'different' and it paid off, my ICT major project I designed for my favourite Physics teacher was absolutely loved by younger students who it was aimed for and by the teacher himself, I couldn't have been anymore proud at the time I don't think! The way I chose to behave left me isolated, neglected and unappreciated by the people of my age, I was looked up to by some younger people and somehow by some friends a year older than me. I received lots of bullying throughout high school from people of my age and even in A-Level I still wasn't treated with respect even by some 'friends'. It's funny how I chased after these people in my class year yet I was surrounded by people far better and more important than them who did genuinely apppreciate and respect me. Animals and young children tend to gravitate towards me and I did always seem to have a special kind of connection with them, I also get along with people older than me a lot better too, never people of my own age throughout my whole life or close to it generally .In fact I love getting to know lots of older people especially women, I mean what? (Quite convenient there's a lot of older women at my 2nd voluntary job who are just so lovely to be honest, I've known some other ones from school, counselling and what not and definitely adored them to some degree, the ones that I liked seem to have this wonderful 'air' to them in my opinion. Am I revealing too much about myself here? Hahaha I quite 'relate' to 'this guy' after all! ) But seriously, I love getting to know older people because of their generally greater maturity, wisdom, experience, emotional and meantal stability etc. I love the concepts of experience and surviving, being a 'survivor' (obligatory Destiny's Child reference? :P) as well as helping and saving others and I see that happening with older people too. More compassion, understanding, selflessness and what not. Granted not all of them are like that of course, but there are definitely some out there at least and I may not know 'enough' about them but I still like to try to see the good in as many people and things and what not as possible, even though it's impossible sometimes due to the nature of some people and things etc. Sorry I'm rambling on so much again, I really get carried away! :< It's so nice to be able to start talking about myself so positively again after so long though and remembering the happiest memories in my life. It feels like the biggest and best of changes is finally due for me, that long awaited transitition, 'evolution' even that I've so desperately needed for a long time!
  6. (Kind of stating the obvious with that title but it's a twist on a certain proverb :p) Day 1: The Journal Begins Howdy all, I finally got round to making my own journal and I've got quite some interesting things to mention to start me off! Well I can't guarantee they will be interesting but I can guarantee I do find them interesting myself :p. Anyhow, from tomorrow onwards, I finally begin my process of defeating one of my greatest foes, video game addiction! It is a mighty foe who has tormented me relentessly for many years now, controlling my life so significantly and mercilessly, a foe who has it had it coming in so badly for such a long time! It shall be a difficult battle, I may not come out victorious, but I shall fight relentlessy in return to the very end! It's time I gave this monster a taste of it's own medicine and whether it likes it or not, I'm 'winning' my life back and it's going to be 'game over' for it as far as I can help it! Whether it likes it or not, it has no 'extra lives', it's playing on 'hardcore' mode against me and I'm not letting myself lose this once and for all, even if I lose the battle, i shall not never let myself willingly concede to it willingly again! Now in all seriousness, I shall finally get on to reporting the good news! Basically, I have completely uninstalled not just Steam anymore, but also every trace of video games on my PC in terms of software of course! I've removed any music I had in association to it, removed all relative bookmarks and subscriptions on Youtube as well as unliking relative pages on Facebook (which I'm still kinda on the fence about quitting completely). I'm trying to remove all triggers, anything that can tempt me to relapsing, to returning to gaming. What else..ah yes! Yesterday, I went out to see a film/movie I really wanted to see and after that, went for a meal to a Turkish restaurant which was my first visit to (meant to visit for so many years now!). Today I used a certain amount of money to have a meal at my favourite restaurant (a Punjabi Indian one) that has been a highlight of my life for years now. I went out in the evening as well, walking there too which are a certain combination of things which I'm especially completely terrified to do usually! I'm not sure how I'm going to pass the time on from tomorrow, but I'll work on it, I'll figure something out at least. I was given great advice recently (from a helpful fellow member called Ed) about using Cam's hobby list and trying a hobby at a time so I will be trying that out for sure very soon. I still have my WiiU but I want to sell it off, I want to be rid of it and all my games associated with it. I'm not showing mercy anymore, I've shown so much mercy to my gaming addiction for most of my life now and over the years, it has shown me less and less mercy. It may have helped me through the most difficult times in my life but now, it's more of a hindrance especially than my aid by far. I have so many regrets that I need to deal with instead of 'encouraging' any longer. I drafted out a routine which I agree quite happily with for myself. Still working it into practise, was meant to be asleep almost an hour ago according to it but I ended up being wake at 5am last 'night/morning' due to being too cold and I ended up waking up at 2:30pm roughly after falling asleep eventually! I was very disappointed and frustrated and also feeling lethargic as I mentioned elsewhere but this is greatly motivating me to sort myself out finally. It has been a long time coming and it's going to happen regardless now. I'm getting my fight back gradually! Also I'm finding it amusing this certain song (Phil Collins - In The Air Tonight) is playing for me right now . Anyhow, I'm going to wrap up here for today, will probably be posting shorter posts from now on (to the relief of some maybe :P) but for now, this will do as my introductory one for this Journal/Journey (Don't Stop 'B-logging'!) ;).
  7. Ty Cam! Bout to start my first journal!
  8. Howdy again SpiNips :), Yes, that does make sense . I don't know how I'm going to manage it so early on but from today, I'm quitting gaming, I've woken up in such a rough. lethargic state and way later than I was meant to wake up as well! And I know who or what the main culprit is, which I enabled and thus paying the price for now. The freaky, indecisive weather over here isn't helping especially with my difficulties dealing with random changes in weather and the cold especially but ultiamtely, it's because I let myself do some gaming that I'm suffering now. There's a lot of stuff I've been meaning to rewatch actually. I think I will avoid anime except possibly Gin Tama but even so, I've been meaning to rewatch Whose Line Is It Anyway? clips on Youtube as they used to help me cope with my depression a lot and I'd like to watch more factual/documentary type shows especially. I want to start educating myself again ideally, but also allowing myself some kind of 'controlled/rational' treats in the forms of comedy shows or something. Ideally of course, I need to try and take up other hobbies in the long run especially. I'll try have a look into it today but if not, I'm going to try make sure I do at least after my volunteering tomorrow. What you said about quitting is what I also fear about it but I can definitely understand about learning from the pain, it's how we grow after all? I don't think learning is meant to be easy and painless but it's invaluable and rewarding, life-changing even. You've helped motivate me anyway, thank you very much along with thank you for all the kindess, friendliness and support and what not too so far . I do genuinely appreciate how I've been received and treated on here, the help I'm being offered too. This community seems to be a great one at least .
  9. Yeah thats a very good point, I definitely have an addiction to gaming as well as some other things. Realistically, I've thought a lot about playing in moderation recently and I've experimented with the games that I feel 'affect me the worst' and I don't think I can really do moderation yet. I think it's possible with strict boundaries/self-discipline, I lack self-control which is an issue I need to work on, hence I might need to take a break from gaming completely even, to 'reset' myself to being a lot closer to 'normal' at least. As in more natural levels of dopamine and more self-control amongst other things. I definitely have succumbed to the 'one more level/mission/try etc' problem before, although it's probably more times than I can or would like to remember. When you put it like that, it does make it very hard not to notice the issues with my gaming habit. As it is, I should have been in bed hours ago. I have shown some improvements in my behaviour lately but I feel like I'm relapsing/slipping already. I'd like to play though short, easy to beat, single player games but I'm worried as Cam said I think, they might become a stepping stone towards becoming addicted again specially by getting back into addictive games like MOBAs, Loot based and Musou type games. Those types of games have hounded me for years now with how addictive and even endless they can be (pretty much literally with MOBAs). II've been avoiding playing huge single player RPG games anymore like The Witcher, Elder Scrolls series, Fallout series and Kingdoms of Amalur for these reasons too. I doubt I could just 'play the story only' in them without a lot of self-control at least. I remember collecting everything in them like a digital hoarder, hoarding is a issue that has affected me a lot. I've determined from this week onwards, I'm going to put a more effective plan in motion. I'm going to try to cook lunch and dinner at the same time too everyday, keep up feeding the birds that visit me at a consistent time of the day too, go to bed also at a consistent, reasonable time and thus ensure I get plenty of sleep and also aim to try to go out as often as possible. Might be a lot to juggle including getting into a new hobby too, but I'm sure I'm more than capable and I need to sort myself and my life out already. I have to make the effort to recover from my problems after all, can't expect them to 'go away' or 'sort themselves out'. I really like that idea you mentioned at the end, I will look into that definitely tomorrow (or later today you could say), I'm going to write a list of the things I just mentioned on a note in front of my computer on my desk to make sure I remember to do them and thus actually put it into action. The end of this year is coming soon and I'd really like to make more drastic improvements to my lifestyle and circumstances by the time the New Year rolls around. I'm gonna start journaling on here too like I've been meaning to as well. Thank you anyway, you've helped me out here and also thanks again to everyone else as well as you of course for your friendless, kindess and being supportive towards me. I'm going to be buying Respawn soon and looking into that, possibly picking up Challenge as well in the future.
  10. Thanks very much again! I remember going for brief walks in the morning and they did me some good back in the day, if I could just deal with my paranoia it would definitely make it easier for me though. Yeah thats possible, but its going to be hard due to how messed up my concentration is right now. Although, I'm sure if I do truly will it, I will find a way to recover my shortened attention span to being more 'natural' and also get myself into some new or even former hobbies again. Thank you yet again, I will look into Respawn, I was curious about getting it and I probably will do so soon as well. I'll be around here still, I've thought about journaling so that may happen too. Especially noticing some people journaling about good things that happened each day as it has been suggested on here to me and by others before too.
  11. I can definitely agree with that. I do feel a lot more 'liberated' (if that's the right word) when I leave the house to be honest. I went out to my support group today despite being hesistant to do so and I enjoyed it and felt good for doing so. I'd been off for over a week from it due to illness but I'm glad I went in today instead of having more time off. I do tend to feel pretty 'awesome' after I go out, but the hardest part usually is getting myself to go out in the first place and not to get overwhelmed. It's a case of just even pushing myself to do it and dwelling on it as little as possible, as the more I do, the more difficult it becomes for me to go out. I'm going to the cinema on saturday so I'm looking forward to that, I have a lot of paranoia and anxiety going on and that holds me back from doing a lot more with myself to be honest. Although I do tend to underestimate how capable I can be and also quick-witted/adapative at times. Instinct can be a wonderful thing haha. Watching some of your videos now Cam like I should have been doing, I think that will help a lot :).
  12. ?You're very welcome haha, thank you very much too, I'm flattered to be honest! I wasn't sure what to make of this myself, I even considered deleting it all but I think it needed to be done. I was definitely feeling pretty emotional at the time whilst writing this, wasn't expecting it to affect me so much but in hindsight it makes sense that it did. ?Howdy partner thank you very much! Hahaha, I can relate to that, I had a hard time trying to keep a straight face when I wrote it and also writing this response now for different reasons though :P. I think it needed to be done, for my own good and maybe for others including yourselves given your apparent reactions, I think it's somehow helped both of you out as well? I'm glad to hear that and thank you very much again! I'm sure doing a letter yourself will benefit you too, I can certainly speak from experience now on that regard haha. Yes, that's a good point for sure. I knew something was missing at least and that was it, bah haha. Oh well, at least I got most of it down though, I think I needed to try and make peace with my past, with what I did and who I was etc, even though I don't think I'm at inner peace yet still, I definitely feel on the way to it and closer it to for sure. Thank you yet again, these responses have made my day to be honest! I wasn't sure how my post would be perceived but I'm certainly more than just relieved now haha. I will definitely try to make sure that I don't let anything prevent me from improving my life, I've suffered enough and I want to start living and enjoying my life again. Even if I have to quit gaming completely, I am prepared to do that ultimately as difficult as it may be. \ I actually uninstalled Steam and now I'm sat here wondering what to do. I'm experiencing that void that Cam has talked about before in his videos and what not, that sudden emptiness that comes due to the amount of free time and freedom I now have, it's kinda like starting an open-world game and wondering what to do. Some people stick to doing the main story, some go through all the sidequests and/or explore the world, some start role-playing or/and trying different builds and what not. That kinda applies to real life, figuring out who you are and what you want to do. All I've ever known for most of my life is video games, to suddenly stop that, to stop it all and thus change everything, to change my life pretty much, is very overwhelming. I did use to have other hobbies but they competed for my attention and thus time, hence they ultimately become part of my past as I 'sacrificed' them to give myself less 'stress' and more time to play video games instead. I basically 'simplified' my life by focusing on video games purely. The worst part is, I have no attention span now almost. I find it difficult to even watch TV shows especially ones over 30 minutes in length due to 'losing interest'. I can't even sit through commercials now! It's also the driving force to having Ad-Block installed on my PC to think of it...Wow. It all comes back down to instant gratification and thus dopamine addiction. I need results instantly instead of waiting for them, I was watching a video of Cam's where he talked about delayed gratification (this one to be exact), and I related to and resonated with what he said, I'm sure you both can probably relate to this as well. I'm trying to go without gaming completely due to the aforementioned issues above as well as some others possibly, but it is difficult, it is overwhelming. But I'd like to think that it does get easier and it will seriously improve my life especially given the feedback I've seen from others who have managed to quit for at least a week or two but usually 90 days minimum, the feedback being on comments on Cam's videos particularly. What is making things more difficult for me currenly is I'm going to be home alone tomorrow, so not sure I'm going to pass the time and resist gaming too. I still have some issues with social anxiety and paranoia about my safety, but I need to find some way of occuping myself on Fridays especially if I want to be able to quit gaming. I'm considering trying to do exercise on fridays with meditation too possibly, I'd be cooking twice in the day as well ideally and maybe relaxing as much as possible. I was meant to be seeing my gifrlend who I started dating last month but I recently broke up with her due to her to put a long story short, she was basically dragging me down and making me feel miserable. She only ever truly cared about herself and I felt like I was being used, just another 'disposable boyfriend' to her, I'm pretty sure she's narcisstic in all honesty. She needs a lot of help and she's not the kind of person I or anyone should really be dating anytime soon. I might post about her in the Relationships section as there are some things I'd like to talk about regarding relationships in general. I've really waffled on here a lot again, bit of a bad habit at least! I guess it's helping me though and potentially others as my letter seemed to have helped you both out?
  13. Thank you haha, I just thought of using it randomly but I think it resonates with my appreciation of the Wild West as well as Texas and my favourite Anime character tbh. Oh yeah? Thats quite interesting then, it must have been like venting yourself or even giving closure for yourself? Regarding the game? I just wrote up a letter to myself and a few games and what not, just typed out what I was feeling at the time to be honest. Its certainly had it's impact on me! Oh wow haha, I can only imagine the potential of actually doing a 'double diary' kind of thing like that? Do you write the same things in the physical diary as well as the online journal? Thank you very much anyway, I need to go sleep now to be honest but I should be able to check it out tomorrow. I might have to make a journal, would definitely help me commit to this and thus also self-reflect and help myself, so I'll look into it :).
  14. (Not sure if I'm posting this in the right section, apologies if not) Firstly, dear me or dear myself even, It has been a long, rocky journey so far, full of all sorts of extreme ups and downs. You have deal with and survived a lot, you've grown older and wiser, you have made a lot of mistakes, but a lot of them you could probably never have seen them coming without experience/hindsight in the first place. You were young, naive and inexperienced, you didn't have all the answers in the world and you never will but that's alright, that is fine. You are only human and there's literally billions of them on this planet (7 billion apparently)! You may have done wrong, you may have hurt yourself and hurt others but I don't believe you ever did them with truly ill, even evil intentions. You were lost, afraid, confused, helpless even. There were times you felt alone, trying to call out for help but it was like you were unable to at the same time. Your situation grew more and more desperate, your hopes and motivations were fading and the only true friends you had at the time were music and video games. You lost a lot when you were forced to move countries and start over and you were regarded as an outsider by so many people over here for so many years, never truly accepted as one of them. You experienced a lot of abuse especially verbal and there were people who went out of their way to make your life miserable for whatever petty reasons they had. But you need to realise, that obsesssion, that addiction you developed to those video games, you were doing it to protect yourself. You didn't know what to do, you didn't have any answers nor any hope, you were frightened out of your life and couldn't even tell anyone nor scream. You just felt emotionally paralysed, like you were ceasing to function in some ways at least. Fear held you tightly in its grip and there was no escape at the time. In your years of self hate, the regrets, shame and what not, you were always dwelling on the negatives in the long term. Nothing that brought you happiness ever lasted forever, the video games you loved always ended no matter how many times you replayed them and tried to stay within their worlds. The same characters you loved always died too, you couldn't change their fates, you couldn't save them. There are some things in life which can never be controlled, they can't be predicted, they can't changed nor stopped. And that's a part of reality, you became so afraid of reality, you obsessed with fantasy to shut it out completely. Over time, your performances in education did dwindle due to ever increasing conflict between the rise in the difficulty and expectations of your studies and your stubborn desires to preserve your coping mechanisms especially video gaming. But I'm not here to bash you, you've done plenty of that to yourself for years now, enough for a lifetime surely at least and more than you ever will deserve. You were your only true best friend but you also became own your worst enemy, how tragically ironic is that? How did you deal with that? How did you cope? You don't even realise how strong you are, remember all the things you feared? All the things you deal with and survived through? Those horrific, traumatic incidents even? With the kinds of pain that still haunt you deep down? You are a survivor even though you don't truly see it yet, you've survived so much like a lot of other people have done yet you don't even feel like telling anyone about it usually especially the world. You're not a victim no matter what you think, you're a survivor. You did what you felt was right for yourself, you did what you needed at the time. You hated yourself, you were being bullied and dealing with all sorts of horrid, life changing even incidents and yet here you are years later, much stronger you ever were before. Remember how you used to feel, how you were convinced you had no hope to live at merely 15 years old and now 10 years later look at you? It's been 10 years! You even said back then give it at least 5 or 10 years and see how I am. 15 at most. If this isn't a huge improvement, I don't know what is! Now I'm not trying to brag or gloat, but you've really come a long way, more than you ever realised. Think about how overwhelming that one incident is, now realise you've survived a lot of them, insane isn't it? Yet you and me both know they happened and we got through them somehow, even when it seemed impossible. You could have given up like you wanted, you could have ended it all, yet you didn't. Now what your 15 year old self think to that? What would he say and think to seeing how you've become now? Maybe back then, somehow he just knew things would improve, almost like he had some crazy belief he could never explain, he literally only had to go on and he had to trust the one thing he never could trust, his own gut instinct. Sure, video games may have taken over your life but were they truly ever at fault to begin with? Sure they can do you wrong but a tool is a tool, a weapon is a weapon, everything is how you utilise and perceive it, its all about how you interpret it and make of it. They may not be perfect but neither are you and neither is anybody in this world nor anything. We all have our flaws and isn't that what makes us beautiful in some regards? We all have our scars, our cracks, our fears and what not. Sure there may be some real evil in this world but it's definitely not you nor most of the video games in this world at least. How can you blame something that can't even think nor act for itself? Thus cannot speak for and defend itself? They were there for you when nobody else was, they were always there. They kept you company through the darkest and coldest days and nights, the worst experiences in your life, they were always there keeping you company and never trying to do you harm nor control you or anything. You are responsible for your own actions but they are not necessarily your fault. The depression is not your fault not the addictions but you are somewhat your responsibility at least. You are responsible for taking care of yourself wherever possible and not letting them beat you, others have lost to them permanently including people youve known and loved. It almost has happened to you countless times now. You used to love video games as well as some other things in life so much, you were the happiest, most passionate, kindest, friendliest, compassionate person you knew, I still see shades of it in you to this day whether you like that or not. You can't deny who you are, you can't deny what happened but you can change your present and you can change your future as a result if you want to, you can be happier, you can be the person you always wanted to be but never realised you already were. You speak a lot of bad about yourself, you claim a lot but your actions prove you wrong, the excitement when you see animals and the happiness you get from helping and feeding them, the feeling you get from helping anyone actually, the way you instinctively try to help and rush to anyone's aid if you detect danger at all, Animals and children adore you and yet you still refuse to believe that they might have good reasons to. No matter how much you regret it, the past is the past. You're not a time traveller, you can't change it. Even if you did, it would change so much, it would change you too, it would erase everything you've been through since then, would it really satisfy you? Is that what you really want, is it? You wouldn't be who you are right now if you didn't make the mistakes you did, the decisions that you chose. For better or/and for worse, whether you like it or not you are who you are. There was a time you and one of your best friends should have died, but who was the one who seemed to have prevented it happening in the first place? Oh yeah, you forgot about that huh? Funny that. I'm not trying to stroke your ego, I'm trying to invoke narcissism here but you need to stop beating yourself up, you've suffered enough as it is! And now finally, I'll speak to the games: Super Mario 64, you were my first true friend and one of my favourites. I remember spending hours completely bedazzled in your colourful, vibrant, joyful worlds completely lost in that original 'Nintendo magic', having so much fun. You induced such wonderful memories in me, the music was so beautiful and enjoyable, I remember crying when I first completed the game and the overwhelming fulfillment when I collected all 120 stars and met the secret Yoshi. I finally got to feel like a hero like I always wanted to, you were so awesome Mario, I wanted to be just like you. Banjo Kazooie, Donkey Kong 64, Diddy Kong Racing, Jet Force Gemini, the Rare classics...I don't even know where to begin. Rare producing games for Nintendo was a truly beautiful harmony, I love you 4 as much as I loved Super Mario 64. Banjo and DK64 were similar to Mario 64 but so different, memorable and fun for their own awesome reasons. DKR, you were such a fun racing game with one of the catchiest, most entertaining soundtracks ever! Jet Force Gemini, you were the more mature game that definitely had it's impact on me emotionally especially. You made me laugh too and made me feel like a hero, you made me feel awesome and you had such fun and crazy weapons! Tales of Symphonia, remember how many times I've completed you now? Youre one of the few games I couldn't stop playing after I completed them I think, but you, I lost count of how times I replayed the story! I hardly got to play that many games, but games like you never made it a problem and many things couldn't compare to you for me. There was so much emotional depth, maturity, complexity and so on, you just kept on delivering and delivering. You were a lot more mature than I first thought and you hid a lot beneath that cheerful exterior much like myself, plus you had such awesome combat! Okami, wow, ok, where do I begin? You were basically Capcoms equivalent of Zelda but oh you were so much more and then some! The Japanese mythology, the quirkiness and cheekiness, the charisma and beauty, you had it all in buckets. You were loaded with emotional moments, maturity, epicness and so on, a soundtrack that took your breath away especially towards the end! You took around 60 hours to complete just like Tales of Symphonia and that was just the story! You stirred such powerful emotions in me, there were many games I loved and you were one of them. Remember how I wrote a case study on you for my gaming course at college revealing how passionate how I was about you? You brought me to tears for all the right reasons. There are quite a few other games that I could probably include on this, there are some I'm sure I can talk about yet due to not knowing what I really think of them yet but I think this is enough for now maybe? Finally, I just want to conclude this immensely lengthy post by saying, I refuse to regret my gaming addiction and experiences anymore. I may have missed out on my life, but it kept me from sucide literally and if it hadn't, I'd certainly have missed out on literally everything since then! I can blame you as much as I want, but it was never really your fault, I was just projecting and looking for someone to blame. I'm really so sorry, nobody and nothing is perfect and we all make mistakes, but I want to thank you for everything. You were so good to me in hindsight and I don't know if I can ever truly repay you but it does explain a lot about my behaviour on Steam in the last few years! You pretty much saved my life up to this point, you never gave up on me when others did, you were always there for me no matter how I was and behaved, you never let me down. And no matter what, I can never thank you enough nor repay you for what you've done. How beautifully ironic that this song should be playing for me whilst typing this last part out? How bittersweet even, hahaha. (Wow. This really did it[s number on me! I genuinely was tearing up writing this out, I don't even know what to say, except I think I really needed to do this. I don't know if it did it 'right' or 'enough' or what not, but I do definitely feel like its helped somehow!)
  15. Howdy AlexTheGrape, thank you, it's a struggle that's for sure to be honest. Ah yeah, I've had ideas like that suggested to be me before but I never took them up to be honest. I think I'm going to make a start on it as I have a notebook but I did notice the Journal section on here too...It does go with what I recently said on here about how writing things can help cement them in your head, it makes you notice what you're saying and thus refelect on it as you said. Ah yeah, I might do that after all actually. Instead of writing a letter to each game, I can write a letter to myself about my gaming addiction and thus refer to the games instead? Like an open letter to myself, kind of thing? But yeah I could write it towards the games and explain how they benefited me and how I need to move on and what not. Like breaking up with someone you used to love? Thank you anyway, I appreciate it. I definitely like these ideas especially that letter one actually. I think I'm going to look into working on it right now to be honest! Whilst the inspiration and motivation are still fresh! I think I'll do it on here somewhere ideally, if I can find somewhere to post it :).
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