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Posts posted by destoroyah

  1. ENTRY 17 - DAY 27:

    Shake it off. Whatever that was on me. Dreamt a bug was crawling on me, but I crushed it. My health is improving, managed to get back into training today, at 50%. Gotta take it slow the next few days, but I feel no negative repercussions so far. I'm still in good shape, despite being out for almost 2 weeks.

    Watched "The Wolf of Wallstreet" it was a good movie. At one point, the protagonist loses everything he has and is left by his wife. He was in despair, I think it was meant to be sort of sad. It was strange, I felt nothing. Maybe because he was hedonistically overdoing it constantly, but maybe because that despair of reality is a normal state for me. Scary when I think about it, I really should get out of this phase of life quick! I might lose it someday.

    I swapped back to my mechanical QWERTZ keyboard - but I'm still running a DVORAK layout. I uninstalled the possibility to even run QWERTZ. I missed the better physical feedback. Also, blind typing was bad because of the printed letters. Recently I was hunt&pecking constantly. Time to take the plunge into typing blind, I know where the letters are, but I need to force myself into remembering. I'm on the lookout for translucent blank keycaps.

    Today my flatmate wanted to borrow my xbox360 controller. I couldn't find it. Haha. That was kind of funny, I apologized, saying that I don't wanna look for it. I think I never will. Can't be bothered. Maybe to sell it, if he makes me a motivating price to dig thru my shit, and I'm not getting up for under 10 bucks. Maybe for 20. Haha. He'd never pay that much, he knows I paid 5 for new. It will remain in that corner, till it's "retro" or what the fuck ever kids these days call my equipment.

    I occasionally miss gaming, but... I'm too busy for the most part. Sadly work mostly. Nothing good. I'm so thankful to have this weekend off. It's so good. Finally I can chill out and get healthy. Just doing nothing is fine. Jogging was cool today, yesterday I made some curry and maybe I'll finally get around cleaning my room tomorrow. My desk looks like the local library exploded over it, and some manic with only 10 minutes of time tried to solve 50 math-exercises with black ink on blank paper.

    Next week I gotta work fulltime again. Hope I get healthy by then, I hate this shit. After that, I'll see to get arch Linux running on my main computer. I wanna teach myself some Latex as well. I'll order a book for 5$ and put it on the crapper, it's a great way of interacting with new material.

    Also, having put the monitor into a mode that emits less "blue LED" light has helped my eyesight incredibly. I see less artifacts when turning away, and my eyes don't burn so much anymore after longer sessions. It might even improve sleep, and I can confirm that, but that might be placebo (http://articles.mercola.com/sites/articles/archive/2016/10/23/near-infrared-led-lighting.aspx). Now that might all be bullshit, not everything is EVIL, but my own experience seems to confirm it. I have been tuning monitors at work too. I'm so relaxed at work now. And I bring my DVORAK keyboard and trackball. I'm not wasting my bodily functions on work. No way. The first thing I'm buying with a real salary is a real computer chair. Ohhh yea.

    PS this band called Psychosomatic is the shit. Especially the album "Another Disease". Took me about 30 listens to appreciate in trueness. The aggression is very raw. I fucking love it!!!

  2. I was hoping you weren't one of those... besides, everything is addicting in a way.


    Quitting is about finding your own solutions and answers - you can learn quitting and get more resistant. But if you doubt yourself, that's a shot in the foot.

  3. Haha, to an extent that's true. If you'd now watch TV forever. But, you ain't, cause it's probably gonna bore the crap outta you!! Defeating an addiction is probably one of the most brain-changing activities you can do, cause your learning new behavior and adapting.


    Once you've seen past the illusion, you're fucked seeking happiness in it anyways.


    I choose death of my old self.

  4. ENTRY 16 - DAY 26:

    Erks. I probably failed that last exam. Everything was turned against me. I was sick. The place I work at gets overrun and extremely busy, "requiring" me presence, shortly before the exam. Well they'd never require me, but if I don't heed the call, they go lookin for a new one. They mention that in the same breath as "Hello". Then on the day of the exam, we were allowed ALL notes, so I even had this stack of printed previous exams and I took that to town. And what came? Like 3 major questions from that one exam I had known from my learning - an extremely hard one though, which I never really solved. All the others being a piece of cake. I could've written from that piece of paper 1:1, at least 30% of the answers - but I forgot to pack it in that morning. It was lying on my desk... the last couple of points that could've made a definit fail into a definite pass. Ach, it just disgusts me. That it's so easy to sorta cheat, pass by copying answers. This has happened to me twice now! Identical exams from the past, and I don't pack 'em. I always think like "Yea, that's never gonna happen, I don't need to plan that way.".

    Fuck that! It happens way to often to me. Like it's a flaw of mine. And i see all these idiots passing, without understanding shit. Fuck this.

    So fine, I went to work today. And I fucked up there too. Luckily that was just at the offshoot branch office, and not where I usually work. But the manager there completely went psycho on me. I can't explain really, but it was like 1% error on my side and 99% psychological problems on the other. Soon she wasn't just criticizing me, she was pulling out reasons from WAY back and inventing shit just to hurt me. I didn't bother dissin back, I just finished what I started, packed ALL my shit and left in quickness. Saying that I'm sorry for having disappointed her and wishing her a good recovery. I'm not  going back there. Ever. It's not a big loss. She's known to cause problems and we've had some in the past. She's had many helpouts, in the last 3-4 months the job has become vacant 4 times.

    Like... I don't need to put up with your shit. Quit fucking around. I don't respect you for your age, I can sit around and do nothing for 60 years. Would that make me respectabse? She was like surfing on Facebook all the time. Told me stories of how many guys my age ask her out. I was kind of surprised, till I realized that was all happening on Facebook. Her account has like 1.000 friends. Wow.

    Wanna see me get 50 friends on Facebook?

    *snap* Done.

    Can I talk now like I'm popular?


    My life has no room for your hallucinated bullshit.


    My journal is so fucking casual right now, I wanna shoot myself. But i guess they've wasted me. I hope I get rid of this cold soon. It's really pissing me off. I'm here 10 days already.

    This weekend I'll just watch movies 48 hours straight. The world can go fuck itself.

  5. ENTRY 15 - DAY 25:

    Dear citizen,

    Fuck your shit. Ever since day 1 I've felt like a tiger jumping hoops in a fucking circus. Why am I still here? You clowns!! Leave me the fuck alone! I just want out of your system and be done with it, I'll rip more shit than you could in your dreams, because you're all staring in your screens - fucking smartphones all day! What the shit! Like zombies you need to push outta the way, gray and decomposed. With a stench and slow moving with your eyes fixated on a screen. Headphones to blend the rest out. Move your head around and open your fucking eyes, or one day I can't abstain from punching you in the fucking face. "Welcome to reality!", give you a slap and shove you to drop the phone. Your facial expressions go well with my fecal sessions, in flagranti.

    You can't even think anymore on your own, sure, you know as much as google - and I can google in 10.000 ways to prove my own truth, but you don't know shit! Fuck googling. Fuck Wikipedia. Fuck the rest as well. It's full of advertising, and you think you're following your own will on the net? You're not! Always fixed on the next link it baits ya!


    Sure I'm a gamer - was a gamer,

    but I'd wager

    that running thru Castlevania 

    - on NES is like a disclaimer,

    To 8bit goodness and badassery.

    My history.



    Where surfing is like starin Baywatch.

    You'll get wet, but you'd never fuck


    while I rock my controlla,

    and whip the shit outta Medusa,

    hitting it high to dope chiptunes.

    And you're busy consuming cartoons.

    I'd satisfy myself like that any day,

    before I put my seed in you,

    I'd rather fist your face.


    But okay..., I let go of that,

    just to make a statement.

    just to point out that you fucking suck.

    There is no more angle to attack me now.



    So let me resume my prolamation.

    Fuck your concepts of individuality, by wearing shoes with a different logo. Fuck you for putting worth into being "authentic" how many fakeass motherfuckers are out there, that we need to discuss this?! Fuck the battle of the sexes - what have we become to not have sex??! Fuck cigarettes and alcohol for keeping the majority quiet. Fuck soccer, for hypnotizing the masses. Fuck movies for falsifying the ways we judge reality. FUCK Disney for tearing a girls mind in regards to romance. Fuck horses and dinosaurs for conjuring fucked up gender roles. I don't need no fucking Idol, I'll bite your heads off, I'm DESTOROYAH!!! I'll 404 page-not-found pound you!!

    I hate this shit!! Since day one. Since day fucking one. And I got enough hate saved up to last me 10.000 lifetimes. I've decided to pursue a career in investment banking!!




  6. Good literary imagery, that was a fun read.

    Batman had nice willpower, but Conan also climbed a great height, it wasn't a pit but a tower, and then he beat and robbed the shit out of this weirdass snake dude!


    Let's go climbing towers soon!

  7. @Pierce Shit yea, I've seen Conan. Fucking rocks!!


    Mongol General: Hao! Dai ye! We won again! This is good, but what is best in life?

    Mongol: The open steppe, fleet horse, falcons at your wrist, and the wind in your hair.

    Mongol General: Wrong! Conan! What is best in life?

    Conan: Crush your enemies. See them driven before you. Hear the lamentations of their women.

    Mongol General: That is good! That is good.


    Most people I watched it with, though, went like "This is shit, how can you like it?". Haha. I thought about it, I don't think it's shit. I've seen many movies like this, as you mentioned - it's any movie ever. But Conan's got something because it doesn't take itself so seriously, and its hero is fucking stupid, but in a way - he's keeping it real. He's not trying to be cool, he is himself. Don't take life too seriously (you can solve it another day) and don't take yourself too seriously - I think that's a good message from Conan and a good foundation for strength. But of course, so is decapitating horse riders with an axe!

  8. ENTRY 13 - DAY 22:

    Eurgh. I'm fucked. Under a lot of pressure. My cold has mutated into a nasty cough and everything is cold. I perceive the outside world through my window like an alternate dimension. Everything is fucked, I got so much pressure, but the outside looks so calm. I'm in this shit not because I wanted it, I'm in it because I chose it. And I chose it because I had to choose between stuff I don't like. And if I'd ever back out, which I can't, I might as well jump off a cliff, everyone would be like "oh, you don't have what it takes. You chose this, and now you're backing out.".

    Just 3 more days... and then... well nothing, working again and listening to complaints on another level. What the fuck has my life become? All this fucking work. All this catching up to do, because I was playing games and shit. And now that I'm starting to get a grip, there's like fucking nothing good about it. Nothing positive at all in my life. Like seriously, I can't explain why I don't have depressions yet, because that would be normal.

    Yea, go to a doctor and tell him "I don't have depressions, but in my state I should have. What's wrong with me? sob sob sob". You've finally awoke... look, everything has gone to hell, probably you'd die, before your done fixing it. Why the sad face? Feeling alone? Have a cookie. Have as many cookies as you like, have even more cookies if you don't like cookies and now get to fucking work. No one gives a shit, even if you die. Hope is a lie.

    So tired. Just let me sleep... sleep... My left eyeball is under pressure, the skin on my nose is dried up from all the tissues I'm using - that's like half a liter of mucus per day or something. My head is so heavy and everything is fucked. I'm writing the first exam tomorrow, I'll pass it, if I manage to wake up and score 16%. I've prepared to score about 70-80%. It's easy. And if I ever say that it's easy, people all over me sayin "don't call things easy" "never say never", "you should have more respect" "always doing the bare minimum". FUCK YOU! It's like in the movie Office Space or something.

    The second exam is on the ninth, 2 days after the first, and that's what I'm studying for right now. If I'd write it right now, I could get like 20% max. It's hopeless, the sickness robbed like 3 days and I was busy working one of them. And FUCK! I know I should've started earlier, but it wasn't like I was jiggling my balls. Everybodies pissing on my feet looking for attention. "I'm so special" "I'm so good looking" "I can do it all better", yea. Well fuck you. I'm not surprised that I've had to suppress the urge to punch people in the face.

    And whenever I call someone a fucking retard, they come up on me and say shit like "oh that's not nice" "all humans are of equally intelligence at the core", "you have to respect everyone". Yea. Whatever. Is there a sentence in your minds that you've not heard somewhere else before? All your parts in conversations sound like deja vus!!

    And then they wanna have discussions with me, because, I don't know. They think I'd have something smart or interesting to say. Well, I don't. I don't give a shit about being smart or interesting or what-the-fuck ever your inferiority complex interprets into me.

    Don't mind me. Immature ramblings, I just had to vent some steam, because I just took 3 hours of learning and FUCKED IT.




    "Today is a good day to die."

    -Trolls from WarCraft II


    PS: I miss playing Brutal Doom: Project Brutality while listening to Slayer

  9. Beyond call we talked about becoming aware of your feelings and accepting them. The awareness part has certainly been improving, but accepting my moods is more difficult. I know and live by the fact that I have emotions, and that they do not define me. By accepting them, it feels like I let them define me anyway. I also would like to have more stable moods. Some days I go from one extreme to another within a matter of minutes, it's hard to manage for me. It's also annoying for people close to me because it makes me unpredictable.

    I really recommend this book: The Alchemist - Paulo Coelho, you can listen to it on YouTube when making your next smoothie. I promise, if you listen to it, shit will be better in 3-5 years. A long shot, but I'm pretty sure.

  10. Yea, but I'm also good at crawling and poking their asses from below.


    You're a nice guy, so many nice words, I can't even treat them all with respect - it's depleted!


    EDIT: All this talk about falling, getting back up and fighting can leave one in the warriors cage. I need to broaden my horizon, but fuck, it's all clouded because of the exams! I hope I can let go of this war-drumming attitude soon...

  11. @destoroyah As my attorney, I'll take your advice very seriously. I also see a lot of existentialism in your speech. I bet there's an interesting story around how that came to be.

    I would've never used the word existentialism, as I have never really delved into philosophy professionally. Upon research I found that this view cherishes human existence and authenticity. My attempts to remain authentic whenever possible have been with me for long, the story behind that? Well there is none, it must've been a thousand situations. I try to be as honest as can be and as accurate as possible when depicting myself. Not in my journal of course, that is where I put all that bullshit that I suppress to tell and write up a fantasy. Maybe I was too often lied to, or my parents conveyed the importance of truth.

    The self-preserving aspect comes from a time when I doubted my own sanity. I was partying a lot with the wrong people, I was pretty stupid and insecure. Just moved out, to a faraway city, 'cause I thought a little step wasn't "cool" enough. Sure I was "down" before, but now I was on strange weed and it was turning me crazy. Living in a dark apartment with my ex-girlfriend. I was collecting bad habits. I had nothing to fall back on, there was just the routine of sunrise and sunset. I had to start enjoying the simple things in life, like having a bed and a roof and a shower. Just hang in there and conserve what you have, if you push yourself at the wrong time, you might lose something that you've fought hard to encompass. Doubting ones own sanity and looking into a deep dark pit is one of the most terrifying things I've ever experienced. It's as if it draws you in and just looking at it will shroud the world as you know it in black fog forever.

    Since then, I have been doing everything possible to calm my heart. Just to get it beat slower. My progress was extremely slow, I had so many things to quit and I wrecked a lot of relationships and friendships on the way. Or got them wrecked by not paying attention. My life has turned boring and lonely in a way, but I'm so glad that it is. I'm so happy when I can just sit around, stare nowhere and feel my heart beat slowly and not agitated. All that shit behind me, never to come back. It's like that feeling of relief you get when waking up from a nightmare, you're just grateful that everything is as is. I'm not sure if that has anything to do with existentialism, but that'd be my interpretation. Thanks for being interested.

  12. I'm currently into the most recent "At the Gates" album "At war with reality", this is a recommendation. Goes almost as well to porn as Entombed, close second though!!

    I really like that Hexen album, also the one that starts with "He's got a bomb, he's got a bomb! AAAAHHH!".

    Vektor is also very good! Shit, it's amazing, but very hard to get into. When some tracks of them sneak up on me unnoticed, it's the shit.

    I could write pages, but I'd just t(h)rash your journal.

  13. ENTRY 12 - DAY 20:

    It has stopped raining. The dust has been washed from the air, I can breathe again. I can see miles, while I was out, some believers were kind enough to sharpen my lance. Time for me to impale another two dragons from the list. Exams are coming up, one of them an easy kill that has already been lined up for awhile, the other - something from the unknown. No stories were ever told and I had been too ill to do that research.

    In my studying life I have gone through a lot. The last exams I made - because of pure grit. Because I sat there for 1 minute realizing that I don't know shit, sat there 1 minute, telling myself "I don't want to write this exam again." over and over, slowly turning into "I will never write this exam again" like by whispers in the telephone game. Killing subquestions with assumptions, writing sentences stating that my solutions are wrong, but continuing with gut-predicted results.

    In the end, it turns out, some exams of that sort are unsolvable, and everybody gets 10 points for free, and a motherfucker like me, walks out with a B.

    Dee-Da-Dee. You're so great, destoroyah!!! *claclap* Go fuck yourself. 

    I've learned to take a hit with my shoulders, curl up and keep stance. But what I can't state to have learnt is pushing thru. Sometimes you are missing 10% of victory, that is where you need to push the lance thru with a warcry to make the dragon flinch into microspasms in order to assist you in his own death. Thunderbolts from the sky, burning clouds galore. 

    Never call yourself a warrior, unless you are fighting. In the same manner - you can never say you've learnt pushing thru unless you are busy pushing thru. It surrounds you like an aura, and people tend to leave you alone because you are in the zenest of zones. You will be resistant to all advice, and your head is about to explode from testosterone.

    You are on a different plane, where dream and reality share a dimension, or two, depends on the size of what you're attempting to conjure thru. You are everywhere and in all states. It's like a dead living cat in a box conceived to demonstrate the concept of quantum mechanics. Maybe in a parallel universe, there is another you, receiving a different outcome from the same situation. One guy that didn't "push thru".

    I'm pretty sure there is, and I'm pretty sure, if he survived that, he'd hate me if my fate was better than his. I'd be a spoiled rotten wuss to him - because from his losing situation he has learned to fight. He'd never want to change places with me, because even if my circumstances may be better than his, he's greater on the inside. Pain is the best mentor you can have, but you'd never notice that you're getting a free schooling while receiving punches in the balls. You're busy crossing your eyes, looking both ways and seeing nothing.

    Oooh you're so manly, may I lick your biceps? Bloated yourself up like a hot air ballon, you're gonna pop sooner or later, either because of underpressure or the sun.

    Get studying, megalomanic one!

    I'm a weathered warrior, seen my share of battles and been across all of them seven seas. Or so I presume, I've lost count of the trips I've done. This armor of mine serves no longer as protection, I just wear it, because it tells me my story when I'm too knocked to remember why I remain standing. The holes and dents in it are like graffiti by attempts on my life. Though always with an intent to put me down, this graffiti is no sign of hatred. Sometimes I caress all those cracks like they were my children. Once they mature, my punch grows stronger and I grow more relentless. The same attack will never work twice, and every failed attack is part of the legacy that will prove my immortality.

    There is no hope. There is no wish, there is no goal. There is no reason. There is just now, me and that little air in my lungs. With every breath I die again to be reborn with the next one. I don't remember who I used to be, and I will not regret having lost that form of me. I die every day, ten-thousand times. My heart beats for the moment. And when it will stop, and it will stop, of that I am as certain as the fact that I am alive now, I will never look back. I will never regret.

  14. Wow, that's the nicest thing I've heard in a while, because it sounds true. I've been working hard on myself, because of all the negative feedback I interpret. Everytime I look back, I can feel proud - but I must never look back, or I'll lose that which makes me good.

    That's why I like eternal nothingness, it will be the time to rest.


    @destoroyah  Thanks for the tips! I've already found a method to fall asleep (when I'm actually tired) that has been working consistently for the past few days: I just stop using my computer and smartphone and try to sleep. I don't know why I just wrote down something that obvious. 

    I will set an alarm tomorrow at 09:00 and will go to sleep tomorrow at 23:00. That's the plan. 

    Two problems: 1. I don't think I will have enough willpower to wake up. Can you link me to a stressful alarm? 2. The past few days I have always taken my phone after waking up and laid down on my bed undressed browsing whatever for a few hours. I don't feel like I will be able to not do that tomorrow. (I should probably find a place to go to at a certain time in the morning to force me out of my room. I don't know how to force myself out of my room in the morning. Cam suggested a fulltime day-job one year ago, but that isn't an option, as I want to study for a bachelor degree)


    Link to a stressful alarm clock? Uh, I use some oldschool alarm clock, it's brandless. It adjusts the time by itself by radio, quite good, but it's like 10 years old, doubt you can buy it online. It goes *beep* ... *beep* ... *beep* and then *BEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEP*. I usually shut it off before it murders me!

    Don't use your smartphone first thing in the morning. Shut it off, put it in a corner. Radio is a good substitute, it's chill you just have to listen. Look for a channel where they just talk about news and culture and shit.

    If you can't work full-time, try part-time. I work like... dunno.. 8 hours a week, and sometimes 40 and then 0. I can coordinate it well with the uni. My job gives me some purpose and prevents me from "bathrobing" too many days in a row. It's like a kick every now and then, and I get some money for it. I'm a slave - but I work so little that I can take it. I make some valuable experiences there.

    If you don't have a reason to leave your room find one. get a camera take some pictures, start jogging, go to a café, groceries, go to a park and read a book, chill in the sun... go train chasing, build something, draw something, make something. Vary it up, newspapers are good for finding out whats hip. Sure, you can do that online, but online is so specific, you tend to miss out on things that you don't think about.

  16. ENTRY 11 - DAY 18:

    I have another anecdote from my early past. It was in the early years of school - elementary. Boys thought girls were uncool and kissing was "nasty". The girls were probing this new subject though and made a game out of it. All of them formed a group and they went out hunting us guys. When they caught us, they held us tight and then one of them kissed us. It was freaking stupid.

    At the time, I didn't give a shit about any of that, but I hated the idea of someone forcing me into a situation. When they caught me, I kicked the girl in the groin.

    The teacher went mad as fuck when he found out. He yelled at me: "Do you know where you're coming from? DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU'RE COMING FROM??!", I didn't think that I did wrong in defending myself, even against girls. But I didn't know that he was referring to vaginas so I thought to myself  "From Hell." but didn't dare saying it and said "I don't know, sir."

    I wasn't really evil, but I liked provoking people when I felt OK about myself and being criticized for it. The above story is not an example of me provoking, but of my suppressed intention to. My childhood was full of shit like this, constantly, I think it might be the reason why I'm still standing. I wasn't really damaged by it, but my view on the world was a very dark one for long. Things have lightened up, I have sorta learned not to take everything - myself - so seriously. I have stopped pointing on people or things to blame and taken responsibility for my own faults. But I still endure a lot of shit silently, because society has taught me to. It's easier to say "OK." and go through all consequences, than to say "no, fuck you!" and have some retarded argument with a person that then seeks self-affirmation, "examples" and that has a lack of verbal cohesiveness, rhetoric and no ability to address ones own flaws. Fuck you.

    I've been hiding the last couple of decades, but it's okay. I can walk and I practice what I preach, and sometimes, when I'm not being a stubborn moron, some people seem to look up to me - when I look away. If I can manage to reduce endless computer-use, I might even be proud of myself - because I'd rip some shit and listen more.

    Quitting gaming itself is EASY but fixing all it fucked up is a difficult task to remain engaged in. I hate listening, I hate practicing. I've heard and seen it all!! I KNOW I KNOW I KNOW. Been told everything a hundred times, thought I understand, but when I pick up tools I'm totally confused. From the outside it looks (and even may be) the complete opposite, even IRL. Strange, huh? My view on myself is not real.

    I really need to listen more. I'm so busy bulldozing "my own way, the only way", that I lack some perspective. I picked up reading some of you guys' journals to practice writing a meaningful comment. I hope I can write more than "This is me. This is what I do.", someday.


    I really want to do my sports routine, but I'm still sick - takin' it easy.


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