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destoroyah

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Everything posted by destoroyah

  1. ENTRY 5 DAY 8: I'm doing extremely well, but busy as fuck. I'll be back for more when I find the time.
  2. ENTRY 4 - DAY 6: GAARRRRR!! I'm on Fire! I don't wanna socialize, I wanna punch people in the face and FUCK! My energy is too condensed, too primitive for this society. The superficial fakeness... A day at work was enough to unleash the beast in my skull. My eye is twitching, my brain feels like pudding in a high inertia drift. The voodoo is taking effect, but there is no more room for nails in my puppets and more than enough mana to spend. The earth is trembling, a tsunami is building up and I'm busy constructing nuclear reactors. I'm so mad at this world!! Nothing too unusual, all in all. I'm consistently inconsistent. My psychological integrity is just a mockup. Loneliness... I need to learn how to listen, but my patience... TELL ME SOMETHING NEW, all these words a deja vu!! Quit talking the talk. Walk the walk. Undercurrents, undertow, might suck you in melancholic drown. Hate hate hate.. The unending breath!! HAAARRR!
  3. Yea!! This is the shit! You're awesome. Keep on punchin' back!!
  4. Okay, so you've realized you've been wasting your time... quit regretting, self-bashing is of no help. What's gone is gone, don't waste what you have left on it. 35 is no age really, you can still turn this around! EDIT: I'd write more, but I got my own struggle.
  5. You're not torturing yourself for no reason. Make baby steps, just aim at the 90 days for now - or 20, if that seems too much. At the end, you can decide if it was torture for no reason, but hang in there for now. Psychosomatic symptoms, such as an unsettled stomach, are quite severe. Consider seeing a doctor and ensure not having a full fledged depression (I'm not BSing, rather safe than sorry - besides... going to the doc when feeling shitty is normal and should be a part of your new self!). Whatever you do, hang in there!!
  6. Everything in life is temporary, for better or worse. But know, that as long as you're combating yourself, it can only get better. "Mastering others is strength; mastering yourself is true power." - Lau-Tze, to kindle your fighting spirit. I can't say that I've won against my gaming addiction yet, but I've stopped drinking and smoking and smoking. It was always worth it, those were the best decisions in my life. I'd never want to go back to 22, and if you do - do something so that you're better than you were back then. It's not easy for anyone.
  7. Hello brother, welcome to the "cult", writing stuff down can be a truly cathartic experience, and the occasional comment/feedback can slap you in the face to keep it real. Quitting in itself isn't that hard, filling the gap is. Set up Linux: https://wiki.archlinux.org/index.php/installation_guide and be h4xx0r (installing games on that is a chore!!), break those habits that kept you down, anything you took for granted - should be destroyed. Use your java knowledge for a fun project, tinker with a raspberry pi or arduino (do some stupid LED crap), build a software that can solve the rubics cube, or simple board games (don't play them!! haha), make a calculator, learn another language (C++ is cool, and for the retro: assembly), just some ideas. Best wishes! EDIT: oh on sports - I recommend jogging (outside!!) as a start, you don't need to pay for sports. (and don't tell me it's cold outside, put some clothes on, the idea is colder than reality) EDIT2: And with a real full fledged depression, you need therapy! It should be treated quick - like a broken bone, your brain is actually physically impaired during a depression. Mind that, of course, everyone is depressed now and then - but be sure you are not REALLY depressed, because texting won't solve that. How to tell the difference? Man up! If you can't -> probably depressed. Amateur psychology is dangerous - mind. IT's like an Orc-Doctor making an amputation!
  8. Give it a try, it's really more enjoyable and looks a lot better (even with shitty handwriting, you don't need to be an artsy guy to realize that the cursive handwriting taught at German schools is the ugliest to ever exist - the "Schulausgangsschrift" sucks!!)
  9. ENTRY 3 - DAY 4: Managing to keep busy. Not really getting to work yet, but okay - I'll need some time to adapt. I dreamt of gaming today, weird... My keyboard is still screwing me, but I hope by creating this additional turmoil I can change the manner in which I interact with computers. A sentence like that takes forever though. I constantly have a screenshot open, the new layout on display - to teach myself not to look, but I still look. Getting faster though. If I am good enough tomorrow evening, I'll bring my keyboard to work on Friday. I hope they don't kick me out for being a fuckin' whacko! Fucking hipster!
  10. I must not get overconfident, but thank you.
  11. Yea, I know Havok, see my Signature - cool band!! PS It just occurred to me, but I thought ya quit YouTube.
  12. If keeping a handwritten journal, it is a good opportunity to work on handwriting. I really enjoy using a fountain pen and a refillable cartridge (black ink rocks!!), LAMY has some good entry models with interchangeable tips (~20-30€ in Germany). It is not just what you write - but also how. Pay attention to paper quality. Good handwriting makes messages more meaningful. Western Calligraphy can also be relaxing. Just some tips!
  13. Thanks for reading guys. I'll check your journals out tonight. When pasting stuff, it all turns cursive, that is so whack! ENTRY #2 - DAY 3: The sameness, I must break it. I have begun teaching myself a new keyboard layout. While listening to thrash metal. How's that for Hyper stimulation, Brain-Bitch?? It feels like an alternate dimension... but the music is still KICKASS!! I don't mind the fire everywhere, it's cool. I got some plans, but I should keep quiet, else I turn into an "all-talk-no-do". Else someone might take my ideas and I’ll turn into an “I-thought-of-that-first”. I dislike them both, stick to your words, and if your words are too heavy to carry out, then shut the fuck up and try. Ya, that’s some nice boasting there, bet you don’t always practice what you preach!! Hahaha, loser. I hate your kind. ?! What in the &%$§@!? Just leave me alone, okay? I’m progressing. You are just a demon, you know nothing of the pains of being human!! Nanny-Nanny-Boo-Boo! Get the fuck over it, douchebag. You aren’t cool, not today, not tomorrow and not in a hundred years – believe me, I’ve been there. I must not give in. The concept of “cool” is just a synonym for “being paralyzed in fear, but pretending to be unmoved”. You are nothing. Just a trend, a cliché, a stamp, a monument of angst, a failed attempt at adaption, a disavowal of needing to grow the fuck out of your shat boxers!! Whoa, easy there white-knighter, if you think your shit don’t stink, you’re no better. Fuck it. Yea, that’s your answer to everything, Mr. Lebowski, you should tattoo it on your forehead! *Sigh* What to do with my newly freed time… I don’t have the balls to do shit. Feeling sorry for yourself always helps. You martyr, you fucking sorry-ass narcissist. No one gives a shit. I need to harden up. Yea talk some sense into yourself in a pornorrific manner! Yo, make some space, think of the people that might actually read this. They are just reflections, their echoes cannot save you from me. Hahaha. I don’t care what they think!!! Today I managed nothing. That’s okay, adapting is a full-time job. I just need to hibernate some while, in a state where I am free of judgement and guilt. Rearrange my mind, converse with my demons. Once I’m thru the ruff, I’ll feel like Sylvester Stallone in Demolition Man. I’ll learn how to knit, while everyone else will know how to build bombs and shit.
  14. Welcome to my meltdown. Welcome to my death. Welcome to the girlie girlie journal-esque documentation of my time spent without videogames. Have a seat, feel right at home. Disclaimer: None of this is to be taken by its word, writing to me is just an exercise. If I am texting running and screaming - i might just be doing yoga. ENTRY #1 - DAY 2: Have you ever been to the Alcoholics Anonymous? Well... don't. Self help environments remind me of Fight Club. Constantly occurring motivational thoughts like "What is this shit?!", "Think of all the bullshit you get to leave behind.". There is no future. No fucking world to be saved. Atheism and eternal nothingness - the cold truth. Name it what you will, but once you learn to embrace it, you can let go of fear. You don't need to be anybody and you don't need to accomplish anything. Anything you do is by choice. You can thus stand up for all the fuck ups you done. There is no "but he said", "It's not my fault", you are here because you chose to breathe. You're here, because your organism has chosen to exist for a couple of decades, and you might as well make the best of it. Every cell in your body is part of this project. Don't deny yourself, your bad traits are your best. No one gives a shit if you live or die, the thought of loneliness makes for a good lullaby. Dear Journal, Was that me? Or was that my body writing? Spooky. Maybe I'm possessed. Brutal! That'd be so cool!! Anyways... I want to play NES I want to play NES I want to play NES I want to play NES. I want to play NES I want to play NES I want to play NES I want to play NES. I want to play NES I want to play NES I want to play NES I want to play NES. I want to play NES I want to play NES I want to play NES I want to play NES. I want to play NES I want to play NES I want to play NES I want to play NES. I want to play NES I want to play NES I want to play NES I want to play NES. I want to play NES I want to play NES I want to play NES I want to play NES. I want to play NES I want to play NES I want to play NES I want to play NES.I want to play NES I want to play NES I want to play NES I want to play NES. I don't even have a NES, wtf. This shit is whack. My addiction is like a retarded kid on a leash that I can't get rid of. Addictions have always been like that. You have to "wait it out" until they starve. Some scream and kick. Some have comebacks. Some break free. Some are unpredictable. Some are very quiet. But you always need to be prepared - even if the leash doesn't get tugged - and all of them start to stink at some point. Some are also a big mess to clean up afterwards. Addictions... I collect them in my basement, because people predict that I keep them in my closet. Not playing videogames, that seems sorta drastic. Am I surrendering to society by playing, or am I surrendering to society by quitting? And would that even matter? Hm, there are still some lurking hind thoughts in me, in order to persevere it is crucial I clear them up. For now it'll suffice having them checkmated with the initial momentum of doing something unusual, but that won't last forever. Fighting addictions is like fighting yourself. The funny thing is... you are a different person everyday, so you can lay traps if you are strategic. This addiction is a special one, a new challenge. It poses no immediate threat and quitting seems easy in the short term - but it will be a test of endurance. Luckily I was wise enough to hide my stuff somewhere, so setting up a console would take me 5 seconds instead of... 2. GREAT. Nothing can go wrong. I'm in this! Hit me! I really need to find alternative things to do. I got sports, that bridges a lot, I can cook and clean and... yea... I've done as much as I should of that and now I'm just writing girlie texts. Shit. The new me I already despise. What's next? Poetry?! I'm not kidding. I have 4 canvases here and about a liter of acrylic paint. Maybe I should put on a pink dress and a wig. Fuck this shit. Quitting beer and smoking was already so UNCOOL, and now this!! Hargh! My brain hurts. I have been writing too much. Let's hope I don't need to, ever again.
  15. I understand. I've found someone now, so no need. Worked out well, managed to free a lot of space! Now there's nothing video game related visible in my room, apart from an old GTA III poster and an "Dungeon Keeper" disc cover. I hope they won't persuade me to play again!
  16. Alright. I can't think of anyone who would fit that role IRL, I think it'd be best if it was someone I don't know. So I'll ask this: Anyone have the time, interest and altruism to be my accountability buddy? -I'm a resourceful guy in return, I might have some skills you lack. -I'd prefer E-Mail as form of contact. -You should be at least 20 y.o., I don't care much for gender, religion or ethnicity.
  17. Thank you. I hope I'll have the self awareness and maturity to come for help, when I need it (I'm not exactly known for this!).
  18. Thanks. Yea I'm at it, currently throwing all my consoles in the deepest darkest corner of my room to get them out of sight - out of mind. EDIT: I'm running out of space!! *@$%##!!! I'll need to restructure my shelves completely.
  19. ... I want to quit. Hi, I'm 30, a student in engineering *still*. Almost done there, but for the final sprint, I need to get rid of gaming. I've been playing videogames since my drunk mom forgot me in front of the NES as a 5 year old. Sure I've had problems all over, but I'm not here for those. I was never mobbed, I could stand up for myself, I've been a "cool kid" and I like listening to Slayer. I've been addicted to many things, alcohol, weed, cigarettes, sex, coca cola and a "sloth" lifestyle. I have managed to kill all my addictions in the past 5 years, pick up sports and a healthy lifestyle. It has been a real crusade, it has been very painful and there was no one there to say "wow great job!", no... I've been fighting all that all by myself and the only reward was that my heart rate got slower and slower, from calamity to calmity. Now i feel at peace with myself, with my body, and now i have the strength to quit gaming. It has always been a part of me. Everything I do serves the purpose of gaming and I do it with passion and pride. I love olschool games just as much as the new school. I dig every pixel, I can feel chiptunes in my sack, I've been in the "zone" a million times and i love that splice of a second that determines life from death in a video game. That determination to succeed after the hundredth time of failing. It has always been there for me and i must say, it's not all bad. I have no regrets having spent my life like this and I dare say that gaming has saved my psychological integrity a thousand times. Now I need to quit though, and it's really sad, because i have been gaming pretty much since i started walking (or something like that), it's not just an addiction it's part of me. I am really unsure what this will do to me. I have this ominous premonition that my whole life could collapse. My war with addictions has been a pretty successful one, i may not be very free-willed or free-spirited, but I have always been very thorough, relentless and disciplined in my endeavors. Partly because I could hide in videogames. Death, to me, is an opportunity to grow - to set things straight. Sometimes you need a tabula rasa, a drastic change that will throw the world as you know it overboard in order to progress in life. May that progress be spiritual, physical or socially/career related. I'm hoping to achieve this. I see no other way to progress than to quit gaming. It is the only obvious flaw I have left to fix, the only space where i can put something new and good, and it's the biggest space of them all. I have been hiding away from the fact for 25 years now, and i really don't know what to do with the time. Writing here is only a way to pass that time. I have uninstalled all my games on steam, but... that's more symbolic really. I'm surrounded by videogames! I have multiple PCs to game on and consoles. Handhelds. Everything in my room is related to videogames in some form. I should sell it all, and maybe I will someday, but the problem would remain, because in this world you NEED a PC to work properly, and I have spent all my life discovering and perfecting new platforms to install videogames on. So as long as i have a PC or a toaster, I will have the possibility to game. I will throw all my handhelds in a cardboard box once I'm done here, and at least hide all my games in some drawers to get it out of sight, but in the end, i will always have the possibility to game. And if it would be a freaking 386!! The biggest problem for me will be finding alternative hobbies. I've ventured through some alternatives in the past (I've been passively and sometimes even actively seeking something better than gaming all my life) but none of them captured me. They just aren't as engaging. Sure, reading a book is fun and all, but... I get bored so fast. Social contacts bore me. the people I see seem to be more interested in smartphones - in fact this new rising smartphone shit kind of makes me feel proud to be playing 3DS! Pathetic!.. but I shouldn't judge them, I got my own problems. Just thinking about quitting gives me withdrawal symptoms. I can feel my brain shaking. Shit! I want to play Castlevania I on NES! or or.... Super Hang-On, damn! I love those arcade titles, just for 5 minutes. Just 1 Life, just one try, one lap, one level, one quest until the next cutscene... I hope I can compensate my meltdown. I hope I find something to do. I have enough chores and work... but... I'm not quitting for them. I'm quitting because I've gone through so much and this is the last trophy I need to become the person I should be. Pathetic, yea. But currently I have no more than that, because gaming has been with me for so long, I can't even imagine what it's like without. There is no time to remember without games. Not a single week. Just my imagination will have to hold up as a goal. I hope that's enough... Sheesh, that was some Wall of Text. I don't see much point in posting this really, writing is what counts, I might as well delete it... but whatever.