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Hitaru

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Everything posted by Hitaru

  1. Hitaru added a post in a topic Captain Taru's Log: 20000 Withdrawals above the Sea   


    Officially happening. More pics soon.
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  2. Hitaru added a post in a topic Captain Taru's Log: 20000 Withdrawals above the Sea   

    Quick update: I'm in Greece! We arrived yesterday after some 40 hours of traveling. My mates are fun and the foreigners look interesting... if I can keep up with the names  Today we're supposed to begin the real stuff. Looking forward to it. 
    I'll be probably writing in my NoFap journal more since I'm currently battling that and there will be far more emotional shifts than news these days (besides "we did this and that" and I'll tell you about that in detail later). Link is in my signature, but you know that already  If you just want the gist, it's being Hell but I have good chances of reaching a week and that fills me with good energy, the very few times I forget about how hellish it is. But being in control feels awesome.
    I sincerely hope you have a great week, I'll try my best on my part!
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  3. Hitaru added a post in a topic [KO] Tom's journal   

    @Cam Adair I am really happy to see this is not spam  (we're truly reaching the world!)
    Also, the first @Tom set the bar high, I wonder where your journey will lead you? Looking forward to it! (sorry for using Eng btw, I just had to say it) 
    See you!
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  4. Hitaru added a post in a topic Captain Taru's Log: 20000 Withdrawals above the Sea   

    VICTORY! Despite all the procrastination and anxiety, I was able to prepare all the stuff for my imminent next trip. The only thing I regret is my bad temper when I get into "Serious business mode". When something finally makes my snap out of my normal apathy, which is not exactly a frequent happening, it becomes too important to be left alone, unchecked. My perfectionism and sense of duty, once triggered, gets the better of me. I truly need some yoga sometimes, but I guess I could make for a decent sargeant...!
    I'm starting to become involved in volunteer humanitarian work again. If my Army dream meets a premature end (and it could, I still haven't checked my eyesight), that could become another path for me. I won't let it distract me from my current goals however. At most, I will only do some courses on the side to learn useful skills. 
    I also set up a still precarious freelance scheme to be able to provide for myself. I won't cross my fingers, but it's my best shot for the time being. The feeling of impending doom doesn't fade, but oh please, things are going acceptably fine. Is acceptably fine acceptable enough? Nah. But it's progress. 
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  5. Hitaru added a topic in Non-English Language Journals   

    Before posting a journal... (ISO Codes)
    Please include the ISO code of the main language you'll be using in your journal, following this format:
    ------
    [ISO Code] + Name of your journal
    Eg. [PL] 1UP - Time to level up
    ------
    So I don't have to edit myself (which would be harmless but a bit invasive, don't you think? )
    For reference:
    LANGUAGECODEAbkhazianABAfarAAAfrikaansAFAlbanianSQAmharicAMArabicARArmenianHYAssameseASAymaraAYAzerbaijaniAZBashkirBABasqueEUBengali, BanglaBNBhutaniDZBihariBHBislamaBIBretonBRBulgarianBGBurmeseMYByelorussianBECambodianKMCatalanCAChineseZHCorsicanCOCroatianHRCzechCSDanishDADutchNLEnglish, AmericanENEsperantoEOEstonianETFaeroeseFOFijiFJFinnishFIFrenchFRFrisianFYGaelic (Scots Gaelic)GDGalicianGLGeorgianKAGermanDEGreekELGreenlandicKLGuaraniGNGujaratiGUHausaHAHebrewIWHindiHIHungarianHUIcelandicISIndonesianINInterlinguaIAInterlingueIEInupiakIKIrishGAItalianITJapaneseJAJavaneseJWKannadaKNKashmiriKSKazakhKKKinyarwandaRWKirghizKYKirundiRNKoreanKOKurdishKULaothianLOLatinLALatvian, LettishLVLingalaLNLithuanianLTMacedonianMKMalagasyMGMalayMSMalayalamMLMalteseMTMaoriMIMarathiMRMoldavianMOMongolianMNNauruNANepaliNENorwegianNOOccitanOCOriyaOROromo, AfanOMPashto, PushtoPSPersianFAPolishPLPortuguesePTPunjabiPAQuechuaQURhaeto-RomanceRMRomanianRORussianRUSamoanSMSangroSGSanskritSASerbianSRSerbo-CroatianSHSesothoSTSetswanaTNShonaSNSindhiSDSinghaleseSISiswatiSSSlovakSKSlovenianSLSomaliSOSpanishESSudaneseSUSwahiliSWSwedishSVTagalogTLTajikTGTamilTATatarTTTeguluTEThaiTHTibetanBOTigrinyaTITongaTOTsongaTSTurkishTRTurkmenTKTwiTWUkrainianUKUrduURUzbekUZVietnameseVIVolapukVOWelshCYWolofWOXhosaXHYiddishJIYorubaYOZuluZU(Source: https://www.sitepoint.com/web-foundations/iso-2-letter-language-codes/)
     
    If your language doesn't appear in this list, or the information provided is incorrect, don't hesitate to say.
     
    Happy journaling!
    • 2 replies
    • 43 views
  6. Hitaru added a post in a topic If Game Quitters had ads, what would you like to see?   

    Wouldn't hurt to ask, maybe? Not sure how they work.
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  7. Hitaru added a post in a topic Captain Taru's Log: 20000 Withdrawals above the Sea   

    Thanks for the suggestion, I will.
    @Revolutionary Thinker Ah, I went to Algeria. I want to write about how traveling can be a liberating experience during the quitting process (because it is), but I never find the time or the words. But don't give up on me, I will, someday in the middle run!
    @Shine Magical HAH, see?  Oh man so many potential jokes here.
    Speaking of gay stuff (hooray!)... things... happened between me and my SO. Funny, considering how I had already accepted to take our relationship really slow in that field. Guess I underestimated his determination to make things work in our relationship. It was a pleasant surprise. Heh. Pleasant. Ahem. Still a bit dopey and silly, sorry.
    Discoveries! Love and happiness! Way to go for my 300th post! But of course anxiety settled in. Life's still a hard thing to cope with. I'm kinda procrastinating right now, writing this. The more "normal" I become, the less reason I have to stay at home all day, musing and with all these dark clouds of existential depression looming over my head. And of course the less reason I have, the more it tries to cling to me to avoid being removed. It's a fucking disease, that's what it is. 
    However, I feel I now have much more weapons to fight and am far less hopeless than, say, a year ago. My family finances are currently a mess, I sincerely don't know how am I going to pay for my tuition and assorted activities. I'm positively scared and don't know any way to consider it in a more positive light. Real world problems, huh. 
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  8. Hitaru added a post in a topic Thinking about proposing to girlfriend but worried that I may not have enough groomsmen   

    Man, after following this story for almost a year, I think we should totally rally and go to this guys wedding just for the hell of it. Absolutely not joking, if I find a cheap flight I'd go. Canada, right? 
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  9. Hitaru added a post in a topic Do your Parents help or hurt your video game addiction?   

    I feel you sir, my family history is the same but with genders changed (dad alcoholic, mom workaholic), no drugs, no siblings and lots of passive-agressive doting (my mother would pay for every activity I fancied after making me feel terrible about it, then I would drop it after the curiosity/new thing hype and a lot of passive-agressive flak would ensue, to this day still). In our case, there was no project (though my mother tried to keep my father around as long as possible for the sake of me "having a family"). She had always a huge dysthymic streak (shared with me, "From the tree comes the bark", was it?) and really needy of affection, tried to settle with the asshole of the week (namely my father) and of course was a disaster in the long run. Seriously people, sunk cost fallacy, keep it always in mind. Oh boy, I sometimes wonder how I ended up here, odds being so low. Makes you think about life purpose, you know? Yeah, I'm sure you do.
    In my experience (both personal and from what I've seen in many others), parents tend to react very passively to problems, as norm. May be a generational thing, but consider that previous generations of parents dealt with problems with a literal stick (and some still do) so we can be thankful of the nagging in some way. I know, "Could be worse" argument is not really an argument, but I still think we should give it some thought.
    Secondly, parents act both as an echo chamber and magnifier. For instance, if your parents (I'm using second person impersonally here, as in "someone") are really involved with your detox, you will notice how they apparently take much worse a relapse than you (or try to play it down if they see you're having a bad time, which ironically can also be annoying). In the end I think that's just a mix of ignorance and mild desperation. They want to reach out but don't know how. Duh, opening up and being vulnerable with you on a one-on-one real dialogue, yes, but they are in this mindset/social role of "strongman", providers, protectors. Showing vulnerability and raw honesty would be approaching as an equal and "Parents ain't no equals to children". And also there's the feeling of distrust, scorn and defensiveness of the addict. It's hard to come back with a smile when you're told to scram several times and the best of your intentions. 
    There are many kinds of parents but those are some common issues I've observed. 
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  10. Hitaru added a post in a topic Captain Taru's Log: 20000 Withdrawals above the Sea   

    I know right? But I don't know man, I can't even get a steady routine going. Things went to shit after Beyond, it was such a dissapointment with myself. And the Squad (even if it would be a bit of a crutch, considering my situation and reactions) is still a bit too far on the expensive side (It's not that expensive, especially for US standards, I'm just broke). To handle my economic issues (issues being start generating income, basically) I'll need to be strong of mind and focused and... shit. On the other hand, I realized just how dependent I am in all aspects, so I need to get away from my mother, asap. It just gotta happen. Life's laws as well, it has to happen eventually anyway.
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  11. Hitaru added a post in a topic If Game Quitters had ads, what would you like to see?   

    @28_yrs_of_gaming Yeah, they can be a real pain sometimes, especially if they are pop-ups or AdSense sort of thing. I'd hate seeing those here too. But a simple banner at the top/bottom of the index shouldn't be that hard to handle, no? Kinda like in NoFap forums.
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  12. Hitaru added a post in a topic Captain Taru's Log: 20000 Withdrawals above the Sea   

    @Revolutionary Thinker Gonna need more specificness to be able to answer your question fam. What are you talking about exactly?
    -------
    Regular news, I participated in a Holy Week parade, with meh results (I was given a heavy banner to carry and since I'm still in terrible shape it was a bit awkward, but at least no one knew it was me, thanks KKK costumes!). Spanishness intensifying!
    Good news: Moving from home project approved! Starting on May. So excited!
    Bad news: There are a fuck ton of problems that come with that, including financial ones. It will be an all or nothing sort of thing, but instead of a two week or month sprint, we're talking about at least 4 months. I've never kept my emotional resilience for that long.
    BETTER NEWS: Nothing like a rash decision to put me into motion, and what better than another short travel to learn about the current hottest european issue. Next stop, greek islands. I'll be spending some time there in one of those european financed projects, the time between agreeing with my friend and actually moving with him. I hope it will give me the strenght to put me into motion again. Let's go!
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  13. Hitaru added a topic in Suggestions   

    If Game Quitters had ads, what would you like to see?
    Don't worry, this is not a stealth way of informing you that ads are going to be implemented in the near future, and I haven't talked with @Cam Adair about this before posting, it's a personal suggestion (from a friend, to be fair).
    It looks good to me as a way of creating revenue for the self-sustenance of this whole endeavor that is Game Quitters. We have the niche, but since we would be the target it should provide a service to us as well. So instead of launching a random load of generic advertisement in your direction (which could even contain games), what kind of specific content would interest you, community-wise? Personally, I'd like suggestions about new activities I could do to fill the void of games, ideally near my area. What about you?
    • 8 replies
    • 71 views
  14. Hitaru added a post in a topic Captain Taru's Log: 20000 Withdrawals above the Sea   

    Just some hours left. I'm ready to be not ready, regardless of what happens in the end. Today was completely wasted, sleeping and spending last night with my vices. I'm scared to the possibility of not being ready to fix my habits and thus letting down my friend. On the other hand, writing down my fears in this journal is an indirect substitute of telling him directly. After all, he knows of this place. I won't dissapoint you again, P.
    I found something I was really looking forward to read finally translated into English. I'm leaving it here and most probably I'll do a thread about it. Just in case the link goes down, the name is "The Private Report on My Lesbian Experience With Loneliness" , by Kabi Nagata.
    https://dynasty-scans.com/series/the_private_report_on_my_lesbian_experience_with_loneliness
    It's so crushingly relatable, I can barely cope with it. I might collapse under the pressure of all this massive realization, on top of the pressure of future developings. Ahh, I feel like dying, in a pleasurable psychologically masochistic way. But, as I'm now discovering, it's a fairly common sensation. I used to (and implicitly being taught to) laugh derisively at japanese awkwardness, being an oh-so-social southern european. I am truly sorry. The social pressures we're subject to are not so diferent after all, with only subtle differences in work and family ethics. 
     
    To show my point, I'm just leaving this here. I might start to come back to this book a lot in the future: 

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  15. Hitaru added a post in a topic Watermelon's Second Attempt at the 90 Day Detox   

    Good to see you again, friend! Still waiting for that list of suggested recipes we discussed a year ago, just saying 
    As both a consummate relapser in my addictions and sickly mofo, I sympathize with you man. Take it easy, but be never complacent. One step at a time!
    You know already, but we have your back. Stay strong!
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  16. Hitaru added a post in a topic 90 day detox journal   

    "Faith", I used that same word when I first arrived here a year and a half ago. Not necessarily in a deity, but at least an abstract concept of hope in the future and your ability to cope with it the right way. Treasure that feeling, it's very human and usually the first, last and most trusty light in the darkness. 
    That deep connection you share with your gaming friends, as you say, mostly comes from being both like-minded and in a similar situation. That's how friends are made IRL as well: similar context (proximity) and similar values (feelings, issues going on, etc.) all glued by empathy. You kept a level of playing the casual gamer wouldn't usually follow, so your best choice for making long-term connections was other hardcore gamers, people on your same level. You could relate with them.
    Now, you arrived to another context, a forum, full of people with similar values (trying to quit as well) so you have a new chance of making new, and if you don't mind me saying, healthier connections and friends. (Healthier) in habits and spirit. People whom you will relate with and will serve as source of inspiration, hopefully.
    I'm not saying you should just say "Fuck off" to your online friends or that people here is morally superior. But you're not inherently responsible for anyone, the same as no one is responsible for living your life (cliché and "parental" as that sounds, I'm aware ). In my experience, the best thing you can do for your friends is lead by example of your actions. Words can come across as accusations and patronizing, and gamers (with an addiction or dependence to gaming) are usually in a position of vulnerability and defensiveness. Think of a mother telling his children to stop playing and do something else with their time, sounds familiar?
    The first days are going to be a hell of a ride, expect the worst from your brain, tricks and blackmail. Keep strong, mindful of your emotional state, take it easy and if you can, have fun. It's your life, you're allowed to have fun. Especially when you're in the right path, the path of choosing for yourself. 
    Be welcome!
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  17. Hitaru added a post in a topic Captain Taru's Log: 20000 Withdrawals above the Sea   

    Remember my game dev friend? (check mid-journal for reference, around last year same time) We met again, reconciled and he brought news. Apparently shit is going to hit the fan in his home on Monday, and he's going to leave for good and start living in an apartment inherited by his late father, may he rest in peace. He asked me to be his homie in exchange of a friend-rate rent. Honestly, putting aside helping him in a moment of need, it's a great opportunity. Leaving home but still 10-15 minutes apart, with someone I consider my brother, a driven and motivated individual (even more than last year) and coincidentally very near of where my SO lives. It's almost too good to believe. I could escape my house, the dreaded comfort zone and the procrastination. He knows his way around with computers so he could keep me in check with blocks and cutting my internet, and I could work in peace on my projects without fear of criticism. We even discussed ways to improve Game Quitters! Too good to believe. 
    What should I do? Things will reach critical mass in two days, and I don't think my mother (the current provider and investor of this venture should it happen) would approve. Probably she couldn't afford it even if she does, some math will be required to find out. I could of course look for a job with no skills in the region of most unemployment of Europe. And there's also the matter of our conflicting views towards videogame usage, though I'm much more resilient to cravings and absolutely convinced in my decision to quit. We could have a fight and I'd have to return mom's place, defeated and embarrased. On the other hand, I'm more motivated, far less depressed and desperate, and with my social network stablished, I would be far less dependent on him. It could turn out to be a perfect arrangement, and if I pass my AF entrance exams, it would be far less than permanent.
    Things look difficult and grim for both of us. Isn't it great!?
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  18. Hitaru added a post in a topic Captain Taru's Log: 20000 Withdrawals above the Sea   

    During these six days, the rollercoaster went down and up again. I had a huge crisis of the likes I used to have a year ago but it was saved with the help of my SO. That moment of weakness and dependence doesn't make me happy or proud in the slightest, but I thank him and the Universe for putting him in my life anyway. The current lows are related to my pmo addiction. I feel frustrated as all this addiction fighting feels sometimes as setbacks for putting my life on track, but on the other hand they are necessary. It will make me a better being, I must keep reminding myself. 
    About said SO, I still feel I'm spiralling into a heavy commitment I'm not ready for. On the other hand, why not just relax and enjoy the moment? It's key for an assertive mindset to be able to express myself at any given moment. If this uneasiness persist I should be able to tell him and stop seeing each other, if it comes to that. My insecurities towards him are also really shalllow, objectively speaking. 
    I have now 5 months to prepare myself to the challenge of joining the armed forces. Will I be able to make it? Honsetly, no. But I will still try anyway. I'm still a mess right now and I lost the habit and momentum of journaling, but I will fix that as well soon. 
    Good news: I currently have a healthy and stablished social life (besides SO) and it's been 252 days without games. 
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  19. Hitaru added a post in a topic Captain Taru's Log: 20000 Withdrawals above the Sea   

    @Marquess Whoa man, you can't even begin to guess how anxious that thought, the possibility of falling into yet another codependency, makes me feel. I've been stressing myself over it again and again; every little detail adds to the sum. I'll give you the latest example:
    I spent yesterday with him after a surprise visit the night before to cheer him up (he has a problem managing anxiety and indecisiveness and life has recently put him in a crossroads). We crashed his home with his parents sleeping, cuddled and slept together, and then spent the next day (yesterday) in a really lovey-dovey standard fashion. It left me satisfied but emotionally exhausted. It seems emotional exhaustion it's a thing even for positive emotions, I didn't know. I neglected my responsibilities and he confessed me
    The mix of putting aside my stuff and potential infatuation on his part made me panic. I don't want to commit, but I don't have any reason, rational or emotional, to fight the flow. The guy is nice, I like him, he likes me and we care for each other. What am I getting so upset about?
    Beyond ended, and I have a new resolve to keep my stuff going, specially with this newfound emotional support. An improvised flash piece of erotic prose I wrote for a contest was chosen to be published among others. My name in a book for the first time, woo! Guess I found proper inspiration for once...? 
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  20. Hitaru added a post in a topic Captain Taru's Log: 20000 Withdrawals above the Sea   

    Somewhat, sometimes. 
    ------------
    "I lost all my momentum", it's a phrase I'm sick of saying. I relapsed on NoFap, I'm slacking in my commitment to the Beyond group when I was most illusioned and motivated, I've been failing on my habits and eating poorly, no one in my closest circles will support my decision to try the military and I've been feeling lost and alone for the most part. 
    I also entered a relationship with a man.
    Wait, what?
    Yeah... somehow, some complete idiot I met while doing a test run on Tinder decided that I was charming to his eyes and I had no choice but reciprocate; very intensely.
    It wasn't something planned in any sort, and "burdening" myself with a serious relationship was certainly not in my short-term goal list. But I was feeling lonely nonetheless so I downloaded said application everyone was talking about and gave it some swipes, for science and whatever else might develop, expecting some cordial fling or, much more probably, nothing at all. A failed 150 km radius search for women was about to confirm my suspicions until, after a whole week, embarrassed but hurt in my ego, I decided to take the leap and try the men's section. My hometown being a bit isolated, 20 km. would do.
    Of course it blew my mind. Matches were raining down on me and I was completely overwhelmed. Believe me, I didn't swipe right more than 10 people and got 7 matches, all really interesting people (at first glance at least), and all my preconceptions about myself suddenly shattered. I was so used, all of my short life, to get kicked, patronized, and being considered a plain weirdo by the generality of the female gender. Always taking things for granted and treating people as if they were sparing lives or giving audiences in a throne room. Here, they won't even fill out their profiles. And they all looked the same.
    With men, I didn't have any kind of experience, no one ever hit on me, but again I was also told that I didn't give out the "vibes" or did publicize my liking for them broadly, so that was to be expected. I was simply busy trying to be friends with anyone in my ultimate very own DIY asexual experience. Too straight for guys, too homo or "unmanly" for girls, and a bit weird to boot. Or so I thought. Once I dared to put on myself a big rainbow signal, figuratively, everything changed. And amidst all this confusion, I met him.
    I will spare you the more sugary details but we connected immediately. It's funny. He's been what I would call much more successful than me, having finished a really hard career and leading a straightforward life so far, and yet we seem to share some elemental fears on what to expect next. And a shared fear of intimacy as well. Whatever worry I have, he understands perfectly and has always the right, most loving and supportive answer. And whatever problem he might be facing, I somehow happen to know the ideal reaction, don't even ask me how I manage to pull off such empathy. With him, it just works. With him, I'm not a mere robot, and that's much more than I could ever say about myself. So of course, I had to go an fall for said idiot since he almost seems blessed with an unnatural knowledge of my inner workings and what makes me tick emotionally when the time calls for it. So, I'm young, healthy, studying (sometimes -_-) and in love.
    And of course, it's happening. The more I'm getting closer to having a normal life, the more resistance my body is putting. Despair can't work without hope. All this improvement is but a slim speck of hope necessary in order to smite me, utterly and definitely. That's what some that twisted part of me wants to think. But I will have the last laugh, oh yes. Despair and pride are an explosive combination. 
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  21. Hitaru added a post in a topic [NSFW] Marquess' journal (Cute emo girls inside!)   

    In my personal experience, keeping this assumption as a constant in your life is an exaggeration (as you're also realizing), but in the times that it will actually apply, even if much, much fewer than (we) tend to believe, what's the point in being paralyzed with worry and fear? The best you can do is keep your boundaries flexible, but strong in your red flags. Be open to know people and connect with them, but don't allow yourself to be vulnerable with someone whom you have realistic, specific reasons to distrust. It's both a science and art, we're all trying to learn the perfect balance in some way or another. You know I'm not a big fan of white coats too, and yes some things in the therapeutic protocols may seem childish or pointless. As a broad process trying to cater to a broad spectrum of people, the implicit idea is for you to take whatever you find useful for yourself, filter your own tools for recovery and growth. It can be a real pain, but all things considered I believe you're in the right place. Stay safe and take it easy, you're doing awesome man.
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  22. Hitaru added a topic in Archived   

    Special characters in the editor for non-english users [REJECTED]
    Suggested by @KDY. Letters and accents of every language. Members' contribution welcomed!
    • 2 replies
    • 113 views
  23. Hitaru added a topic in Archived   

    Foreign Language Journals [IMPLEMENTED]
    It finally happened. Our kind polish community grew so large that a member started a journal in his native language aside from his already started journal in English. I believe this is essentially a good thing and should be encouraged.
    So why not add a subforum for journals in other languages in the Daily Journals section? A journal in English should always have priority (for practicality, since it's our common nexus), but being able to express ourselves in our respective languages could help people a lot.
    Thoughts?
    • 6 replies
    • 102 views
  24. Hitaru added a post in a topic Special characters in the editor for non-english users [REJECTED]   

    We'll leave it open as an interesting but not urgent addition then. Thank you for your work.
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  25. Hitaru added a post in a topic Captain Taru's Log: 20000 Withdrawals above the Sea   

    Nah man, not yet. 
    I'm busy with the group to keep posting on a regular basis, but I lurk often and generally speaking, I'm making improvements in my routine. Sometimes. One or two good days, two or three bad days, rinse and repeat. At least now I'm aware of the cycle. I need to develop some strategy to counter it. 
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