decision to change

[Dave01]

Hello everyone,

In the past I started watching a lot of streams (mostly competitive League of Legends; or Twitch Streamers), it became like a permanent time-filler (while making food, while eating food, in the morning before I leave for the office, in the evening). I really lost touch why I even watch it (of course I know that I enjoy the competition; just like I do in sports e.g.; but in the moment it just felt numb). I lost the drive to do anything else. No sports, no calling friends, no going outside and enjoying the air, no reading, no learning language, no playing the guitar (that is rotting in my basement for years now). Just working, coming home and watching streams. Over and over.

When I speak with my friends, I don’t have much to say. What should I tell them? Who won the latest games? What new builds are meta at the moment? There isn’t much happening in my life. And the worst was how indifferent I felt about all this. Sometimes there were moments of unhappiness, but I just kept going and the feeling would pass. How could I – who had such great plans for his life and wanted to make a difference n this world – feel nothing with living like that.

I want to be honest with you, I haven’t even made it through day one yet, so I know there is a lot of work in front of me. And talking is always easier than doing. Staying abstinent, but also learning new ways to cope with stress, finding myself again, finding new hobbies, find better connections with my friends again, get my fire back, revive my dreams and start working on them. Yes, it all really scares me, but to be honest – in this moment of clarity – what even scares me more is living as indifferent as I did in the last years and being at the exact same point five years from now. I just need to make sure that I don’t forget that pain of the wasted time and opportunities from the last years and the fear of continuing like that in the next years. Then I know that I have enough energy and motivation to make it. Like I already read about here that the reason why I used to play games and why I want to stop is so important. I really get that already.

I wish all of you to find happiness and satisfaction in what you do and a life that you imagine for yourself as a success (whatever that means for you).

Edited March 7, 2021 by Dave01