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just want to get words off my chest


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i don't even know how to start and what to say . let me write everything from the beginning . i borned in a normal family as the last child and i have two older sisters witch currently they are both doctors. i grew up pretty much normal like other kids , i was the positive and smart kid at school , good grades , no trouble , few friends spent entire school together. during my middle school (7th grade to 9th grade) i always wanted to have a good PC and later on a bike witch my dad never bought me because he thought PC will distract me and i won't study anymore and for the bike he thought i m going to have trouble like get accident and stuff so i never had those that i really wanted .first year of high school went pretty normal , still good grades but not best and during that year our family went through a big problem that took us a year to solve it , it was lots of argue and laud voices and without anyone knowing these really effected my mental health back then and i accidentally played league of legends in my cousin pc and i loved it so much also i fell in love with someone and when i told her she reacted so bad that i freaked out. next year when things went a bit better i twisted my dad's arm to buy me a phone , i did everything so finally my dad bought me a middle class phone . i was obsessed because i never had such thing , it was those social media stuff poof . long story short , next two years i used every chance when i saw a pc to play some games weather PES or league of legends , i felt kinda ashamed but , who cares? . 4th year high school and last year we have a test end of the year called university entrance exam and based on your field and score you choose witch subject and witch university to go , obviously because of my sisters everybody expected me to easily get accepted in medical school . i fucked up first year , not so bad , but not enough for what i wanted second year i played lol with my old laptop witch got fucked soon and didn't work and i fucked up second year, in the next summer before i start to study for the next year i literally killed myself and beged to buy me a laptop , they finaly did and i instantly installed league of legends and played the whole summer and i promised them that i delete it by end of the summer witch i didn't . i used it in moderation and my exams were pretty good until they took it from me and said we think if we keep laptop away from you, then you study better witch i didn't . a was always thinking about LOL in my head and i couldn't focus , finally i moved upstairs and i said i need to focus more and i need laptop for study stuff and , i played the whole year and 3rd year got fucked too , now it's 4th year 21 year old asshole loser, i fucked up most of it and i have 90 days to the exam and lots of books . now i'm a mess . i masturbate like a crazy everyday , i sleep pretty bad i am always using my laptop ( a fucked up old laptop not new one) and i want to do something but situation is so hard for me , the last 4 year this family always talked to me with sarcasm and i can't take it anymore  , i lost my faith , i lost my hope and this corona virus thing , i have no hope for future , no interests  , even in gaming or relationships , literally nothing  . i feel like i am running in a dark and i don't know what is in front of me . there are things that i want to experience but they are not  like hopes:

1. get in shape a little bit to dress good for once

2.go to work , become a doctor or whatever , enjoy the living alone

3. get rid of the arguments and cut the relationships with everyone

4. maybe someday go to the mountain in eastern asian countries find holy men and women trying to self-cultivation

i think that's pretty much all.

i started to read some books that maybe help witch were ok .  and i wanted to learn earn money for when i go university just to cut relationships with my family and friends( i have like 2 , 3 friends max) but i almost have no skill and no money to invest or start something. i am really sick of this shit .  i have 90 days and it's passing fast as fuck and i need to do something ASAP . my sleep time is fucked up too i can't sleep at nights neither study and all day i am asleep . arguing with my family is killing me i always think about my ex my mind is destroying. fuck  this life idk what to do

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