Jump to content

NEW VIDEO: Has gaming disorder been cancelled!?

Recommended Posts

Hey there

My name is Michael and I´m 30 years old and I´m from Switzerland.
My gaming experience started with the first gameboy. Back then I played a lot of Pokemon. Then Nintendo 64 which I played also a lot, then there was the first XBOX (Fable), then Playstation 3 (Black Ops 2), then PC (Gothic 1-3 + World of Warcraft + Battlefield), then XBOX One (Assassins Creed -> most dangerous game for me) and then again on a PC (Wow). 

I experienced some huge personal losses throughout my life. I played ice hockey from 2 years old until 19 years old where I had my 9th brain concussion and had to quit my career.
The problem was, that ice hockey was my life. I commited everything to it. I was able to study in a sports school where the focus was to play as much ice hockey as I could. I loved the skills pratices early in the morning, the team practices in the evening, the time with my teammates, the traveling to the games, the games against other players, the competition and simply everything about the sport.

But that all ended when I got hit from behind and almost destroyed my head and back in the boards. Rehabilitation was hard and tough but I still believed I could do it. Back then the "return to play protocols" weren´t that strict. I lied to the doctors, teammates and my family so they allowed me to play. I swallowed a lot of tablets and didn´t say anything. It happened the worst. 4 months after the accident and in fact still in rehabilitation I played again. I got an elbow hit to the head 2 minutes before the game ended and had another concussion. That was the end of my career.

I went to some neurologists and sports doctors and they just told my that I was lucky that I´m still alive and that I must rest now. 
I just couldn´t handle the situation. I was totally shocked, as everyone was in my family. We didn´t speak about it and I isolated myself while playing World of Warcraft.
The first thing I felt after two months (I didn´t go to therapy and did nothing, I was in a huge shock and just couldn´t handle it) was a lot of aggression. One evening I somehow realised the situation and collapsed. When I woke up again I was empty and angry and I thought my life is over. I grabbed my stuff and walked to the rails near a river. I waited for the train to end my life. It was my luck that the train didn´t immediately drove through that location. So I had like 10 to 15 minutes where my emotions could come out. I cried and collapsed again and then I felt a lot of fear about what I wanted to do. So I headed back home and the next day I started to work on the situation.

In the next ten years I had a lot of trouble. It happened when I was 19 but I still sometimes have a lot of troubles, bad dreams and problems with my brain (concentration, fatigue, reaction time etc). I tried a lot of stuff and used alcohol, weed, cocaine, pornography and beside that massive gaming. World of Warcraft was my other world. A world where I had control, I world where I could compete and where I was healthy (well, if I didn´t have to travel back to my corpse). I guess the most important thing for me was and still is, that I have some control over the situation. And gaming helped me a lot with that.

I´m in therapy since three years now. I had another concussion when I was 28 years old and since then my life somehow fell apart. I know that gaming fullfills my need of control but I also know that I want to quit and don´t like it. I don´t drink, don´t smoke and don´t do other drugs but I still need a lot of gaming to cope with my feelings.

I tried to quit several times but then I always feel insecure, lonely and that I can´t handle my life. Gaming gives me some orientation and control. But beside that it also makes me angry and my frustration level raises. I can´t sleep long and I don´t feel rested because I always think about my other life, my gaming life.

But I think that I can handle it somehow. I mean, I´m still here and there are a lot of people around me which give me a lot of love. Most of the time I just can´t feel it and I can´t express my feelings. Then I think about ending my life because of the guilt feelings and that I can´t live normal because of my physical borders in the brain. Sometimes I whish that I have to cope with a wheelchair or with no arms rather than brain injury and depression. These suicide thoughts and the level of insecurity is just absurd to handle. 

But I know that gaming definitely isn´t a help in coping with my feelings and symptoms. 
If that all sounds like dark and heavy then it could be because I´m feeling shitty right now. I still sometimes can´t accept the symptoms. I know I have to but this shit is fucking crazy.

Therapy helps me and supports me a lot. But it won´t heal my symptoms I guess. I´m just trying to cope with it and that´s what I learn in therapy. I´m practicing how to cope with depression and how to cope with my symptoms because of the accidents. And I didn´t find a good strategy which can replace the gaming so far but I hope I will find some throughout the course.

The stories of you all helped me a lot that, you also have to cope with cravings and bad situations and strong feelings. It´s all about strategies we use how to handle our needs and I´m ready to learn other strategies than gaming to fulfill my needs.

Looking forward to it.
Thanks for all of your information and the ability to join this community.

Edited by mikesh

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I think you can do anything if you really want it - regardless of the road blocks that present themselves. I believe if you can get a handle on certain things in you life that seem out of control - you can have mass amounts of positivity just by taking those steps and having daily wins. If you know what needs to be done but don’t take the steps to do so we tend to rip ourselves up the most about it.. we are our own worst critics remember. Things in life aren’t always going to be easy and especially when you’re already dealing with adversities in life, it’s even harder. I believe in you and I think you can do what you know needs to be done and EVERY day is going to be a constant battle.. but you know what? Every time you are able to overcome those urges and win those small battles you gotta count those wins and be proud of yourself. It’s a day by day step my friend and you can do anything in this life regardless of the adversity we face. Best of luck! 

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hello Michael,

Your story is very touching and thank you for sharing.

I think you are in the right online community.  People here are very supportive and will offer an objective view.  Remember that your wellness involves discovering new hobbies that would engage your interest for the long term.  In a way, it can be a very surprising and rewarding experience.  If you look at it from a different angle.  You get to choose what makes you content in life, even if it's the simple things like enjoying a nature walk.  Keeping a journal, private or public, will help you vent and then afterwards you can look at scenarios more objectively.  I dont know if you have a spiritual belief, but I'm a Christian, and I find that prayer does help to give you strength during tough times.  I'll be praying for your situation and your new journey in this life.  Life isn't always easy, but you are never truly alone.  People on this forum are here to help and guide you.  We have all been where you are;  tired and fed up with excessive video gaming as it only destroyed our lives and for some it affected their family relations and their careers.  Video games only serve a purpose to distract us from pain, sadness, depression, and anxieties.  But when we turn off the video game, our lives are still crappy, and all we have done is waste copious hours living in a virtual world and achieving tasks in the game which are meaningless.  It is the most deceptive type of hobby because it makes you feel like you're gaining something, but you really are not.  

Take care, and consider starting a journal either here or in a blog, or a personal diary.  

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 3/15/2020 at 3:18 AM, Mitchie said:

I think you can do anything if you really want it - regardless of the road blocks that present themselves. I believe if you can get a handle on certain things in you life that seem out of control - you can have mass amounts of positivity just by taking those steps and having daily wins. If you know what needs to be done but don’t take the steps to do so we tend to rip ourselves up the most about it.. we are our own worst critics remember. Things in life aren’t always going to be easy and especially when you’re already dealing with adversities in life, it’s even harder. I believe in you and I think you can do what you know needs to be done and EVERY day is going to be a constant battle.. but you know what? Every time you are able to overcome those urges and win those small battles you gotta count those wins and be proud of yourself. It’s a day by day step my friend and you can do anything in this life regardless of the adversity we face. Best of luck! 

Thank you very much for your words. It helped me a lot. Sometimes I struggle to take it step by step. I see that what you write here is totally true.
All the best for you!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 3/15/2020 at 8:51 AM, ChooseLifeNotGames said:

Hello Michael,

Your story is very touching and thank you for sharing.

I think you are in the right online community.  People here are very supportive and will offer an objective view.  Remember that your wellness involves discovering new hobbies that would engage your interest for the long term.  In a way, it can be a very surprising and rewarding experience.  If you look at it from a different angle.  You get to choose what makes you content in life, even if it's the simple things like enjoying a nature walk.  Keeping a journal, private or public, will help you vent and then afterwards you can look at scenarios more objectively.  I dont know if you have a spiritual belief, but I'm a Christian, and I find that prayer does help to give you strength during tough times.  I'll be praying for your situation and your new journey in this life.  Life isn't always easy, but you are never truly alone.  People on this forum are here to help and guide you.  We have all been where you are;  tired and fed up with excessive video gaming as it only destroyed our lives and for some it affected their family relations and their careers.  Video games only serve a purpose to distract us from pain, sadness, depression, and anxieties.  But when we turn off the video game, our lives are still crappy, and all we have done is waste copious hours living in a virtual world and achieving tasks in the game which are meaningless.  It is the most deceptive type of hobby because it makes you feel like you're gaining something, but you really are not.  

Take care, and consider starting a journal either here or in a blog, or a personal diary.  

Thank you very much for your kind reply and your prayers.
I started to climb and playing / study some chess again. I also switched back to learn more programming languages which supports me a lot. 

"But when we turn off the video game, our lives are still crappy, and all we have done is waste copious hours living in a virtual world and achieving tasks in the game which are meaningless."
Sometimes I immediately turned on video games because of that. Sometimes it is hard to see reality and there were times I just played more so I could forget about it.

"It is the most deceptive type of hobby because it makes you feel like you're gaining something, but you really are not."
I sometimes had that feeling. Then I thougt that life is maybe just about developing and going on. And sometimes I thought that in some games I also develop and that it doesn´t matter if I do it ingame or not. But when I do it ingame I lose connection to the "real" world so I guess it does matter a lot.

Thank you very much and all the best for you!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.


×
×
  • Create New...