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Chitemple

90 Days Starting tomorrow

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Good day readers,

I hope you're all doing well on your journey. 

I had spent a couple months free of games.. I was juuust starting to feel real passion and interest in reading again, and I having great conversations with my partner. I was opening up vulnerably, and the times of boredom were being experienced in a healthy way. 

When Jedi Order came out, it really triggered me. I was instantly brought back to my interest in star wars ever since I was young, and thought the game was to good to pass up. I spent a day downloading it, then the next I spent playing it. After three days, I told my partner that I had relapsed, and she was understanding. Its now been 40 days since my relapse.  40 Days, and you could say 40 nights. 

The results have been unfortunate. I lost my job, because more anti social, depressed, anxious, my sexual performance and interest decreased, I relapsed watching porn. So its been a downward spiral. 

This is the first time that i've actually recognized that I need a forum or a community to get through this. There are times when you are vulnerable, and you just will be triggerd and you need some sort of outlet. 

The most recent thing that got me was the witcher tv show, that got me playing the witcher again. What the heck right? Game references are everywhere. 

I've been triggered by facebook ads, my email, torrent sites, steam, youtube. There's always something that picks on my desire. 

It is pretty compelling to look at the evidence as addiction as it quickly becomes unmanageable. When you start planning to get alone so you can play, or it's all you can think about. I really wish I could manage it, in moderation, but I can't. 

So, December 31st is when I'm taking atleast a 90 day challenge. It will be satasfying to get my clarity back, and really put some work into my professional life. 

Idk if i'm ready, because I know the mood, the nic, the anxiety, the change in everything. It's crazy. 

Well, thanks for reading, 

 

Wish me luck

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