This time harder

[Guest]

Ok... Let's try to let it out. Thank you all for reading this...

I don't even know who I am, what kind of stupid 2X yo is still struggling with this, why haven't I finish the damn grade yet, what am I doing, am I even trying? Please, I bore myself. Can I handle this once and for all? Can I get a job and move from this house already? Why won't the stupid neighbour shut up? It's too hot to close the window, please, start already.

Let's be as incongruous as possible: today I find myself around the 75th day of detox challenge (yeaaah!). Yeah, check social media in the midst of writing this, good job! Why is therapy so expensive? I want to get better, but I can't pay for it. I would gladly talk to people if I could trust anyone or if I could change the wiring in my brain by myself. What is wrong inside of me? Where did I go wrong? 

Must have been all of my life, all of the seemingly innocuous choices that build the bad habits and all the cowardice that inhabits in my heart. I am a coward.

As a child, I wanted to be someone important, someone,  I came to understand, nicely regarded. Smart, lazy, nice, cruel, basic semipsycho personality (hooray!). Present this as transparent as possible, thank you. 

I can't hold a proper conversation nor look into the eyes of the person more than 1 minute. I am a coward. All the choices made have been funded by laziness and cowardice.

Look, the first thirty-forty days of the challenge were fine, I had the objective in mind: build new habits. Having to study and finding a new sport were kind of an easy task. I struggle to have deep emotions or any, I'm a robot (clank clonk!). But being a 70 times repeater and having to sit on a class with younger people is like a torture. But why? Is it that you hold on to your own pride when everything else is falling apart? So let's get the fantastic idea of studying at home with your depressive mother around all the time. And let's be angry at her all the time for whatever reason you find suitable that day. Don't you dare to take the blame for your own failures, kiddo. And let's write a stupid post about how you are such a crybaby.

Ok, so maybe you have figured some things out, and maybe this was just a crysis so you can metamorphose into a fuctioning adult. Check SM again. But maybe again, this is just a difficult level that you keep on failing because you don't level up your social skills. Or the thruth: this is not a level at all, just do the things you are supposed to and find the happiness glasses.

Is it that hard to raise your hand? Yeah, I did it for the first weeks, after that, I felt the eyes of my classmates piercing me. You'd better not ask a question again Mr. Failure. Who do you think you are, now? Seriously, none gives a damn. Everyone is on their own path. You have just missed your own way for a bit (well that bit is almost 6 years now...) to take a rest on the green hill that have nice views of the mirror you try to find yourself into.

But this last weeks have been chaotic, maybe you have a little respect over your sleeping schedule and that's only cause you are tired and you keep pretending everything is fine with that. The truth is it isn't. I have been fading away, staying at home is not a nice remedy for depression if that's what I have. Melting the study hours into the free time. Not studying nor enjoying these days we are given on this Rock. Can you imagine meeting your expectations? Life progresses and time vanishes out of reach. Some friends are growing now, travelling far, maybe the last time I'll be able to see them, who knows? I try to look at the sky, at the trees, at the birds to feel some kind of belonging in this world but all seems broken now. I find it difficult to find beauty in the nature that I once enjoyed. I stare into clouds (thank you for keeping my child excitement alive). I was not trying to sound so melancholical.

I've been obsessed with the actitude you have towards pretty much anything... Meaning the way you choose to look at things, the way you react to events. The search for ways to accept things that cannot be changed and you should end this phrase. I think I grew up into believing the world was a dark place because I had a bad perspective.

I know I will be able to complete my detox challenge, yeah referring to gaming, but what about SM. I feel so alone and I'm spending 4-6 hours a day on that. That's not what I signed for. Why am I doing it then? I am alone.

After I meet the goal, I don't know if I will have the strenght to avoid relapsing. Do I want to play videogames? I don't know, I think avoiding the thought may help for some days or some weeks but it slowly corrupts your soul. Let it out if you must. 

Seriously, I probably just need to find someone who I can talk to and befriend. Why I make it so difficult? I'm a crooked building and I knew it. And I think I wanted to mend it somewhere in time but I got lost. I let myself be absorbed. You were suppossed to grow up but got lost in the process. One cannot fix himself alone. I don't recognise me on the mirror, but how much time has it been...? The way diffuminates, and I must be blind because I don't live my life, I just pass through it. What I have always wanted is to be able to enjoy the moment with others, to present myself sincerely. I don't want to pretend something I'm not. I guess I've inherited that from her, but probably, she is just doing that to protect others (and herself, meanwhile). Anyway, you can't fake a smile everyday and I guess it's more terrible to know someone is sad when you had thought that person was always happy. I shall be more sincere with myself and with others, I want to get in touch with my feelings again, but I'm drowning.

I think I should swim as long as I have strengths in me.

 

 

[DontDonut]

I'm impressed by the raw, unfiltered honesty in this. Very high level of self-reflection. You probably didn't write this as something to go over again, but I'm wondering what you meant by " I've been obsessed with the actitude you have ..."? Didn't understand that paragraph.

Can very much relate to that last bit about wanting to be sincere with yourself and others. I think the worst thing I've done is lie to myself about how much digital media owns my life.