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Zala

Just keep going and see what happens

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Had a very vivid dream about playing PoGo. It surprised me a bit, since I haven't played this game for about 6 months now. Obviously some brain connections are still there, because the dream came with the good feelings, excitement, joy ... I guess I don't have to tell you I had the the urge to install the game again and play just a little bit. (We all know how this ends up, right?). In a way my brain is doing what it's supposed to be doing. It's keeping memories of the stuff that made me happy alive. Like if I were living in the woods and found a great apple tree or a fishing spot, it would make sense to keep this information very much alive because it helps me to thrive and survive. I'm fighting against my urges and genes in a way. I think it's going to be a long week.

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Still circling the drain. Are some of us simply damaged and will never be "cured"? I don't even want to go back to occasional gaming, never had it as a goal and at this point I don't think it's worth trying. I just hate having this fear, worry always in the back of my mind. Like every time I have a couple of minutes of free time (waiting at the bus stop, in the store, relaxing at home) I have to tell myself: do not install any games! Maybe the solution would be to never have free time, to always have 2 extra activities that I could do instead. Like always bringing a book, reading an email on the phone, starting conversations with strangers, meditating etc. Basically planning for every second of the day. But that would just lead to more stress, wouldn't it? And you know what helps with stress ... gaming.

Or maybe I can limit myself to one activity and really obsess over it. Try to use this activity and goals related to it as a source of focus. Like reading 100 books per year or something like that. Such a random goal but it would probably help me get focused on one thing. I'm at 25 now.

Pro:

- clear goal

- hard to reach but possible if I include booklets in German

- easy to control, keep track of (I already started a list of books in the beginning of the year)

- activity not affected by weather or specific location

- sitting down and concentrating is a skill worth developing (I used to be able to read 8 hours/day and it will take me some time to be back in shape)

- I do not have to include other people (the way I used to play games was in a very antisocial style as well)

- I can compete with myself (how many books per day, week I can read) or even others

- connected to what I used to do as a profession, I like reading, plus books still are a great way of learning about the world and different fields in general

Maybe this time I won't count the days without gaming, binge-watching and stick to a positive goal.

I will only specifically mention books that I really like and are part of "general knowledge" or at least generally accessible. Don't think anyone will profit from me mentioning random Slovenian authors🤓 even if they are great!

 

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Not getting close enough to the 100 books this year. But I will stick to this goal and maybe in 2019 I'll come closer. At least I've read more books in 2018 than I did in 2017 💪

I'm also considering doing the Reddit's daily sketch challenge. I was always shitty at drawing and always felt like a failure seeing the results. So this could be my "do one thing in a day that you're afraid of". I'll start in December, so that it won't fall into the 1.1. cliche.

Hope everyone is doing fine. Holidays can be tough, family obligations and everyone forcing you to be happy or at least act like you are.

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Went for a short walk today. Saw a young girl on the bench near PoGo gym and on the other side of the street a young couple with their baby in a stroller also near a gym. They were all pretty busy with playing PoGo on their phones. And for the first time I felt somewhat different when I saw them. Not angry, envious, scared,nervous or curious (well except for looking at what they were doing). I didn't even feel sorry for them or had an urge to take my phone out as a reflex. I managed to just notice what they were doing and move on. I can honestly say that they could have been playing cards, flying a drone or riding a horse. I managed to just observe what they were doing as an activity, that doesn't interest me, and move on.

 

Might have been a fluke or I was just having a good day. But I felt really good afterwards and I really enjoyed my stroll. I guess I made enough changes in my life and started enough things to keep my mind occupied on other things. Feeling really grateful.

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