Trying to Turn a New Leaf

[huggable1]

I guess this will be my first entry for the journal with how I feel and think, perhaps learning more about myself. I am worried that I'll fail myself and relapse before I even start the journey, or after the journey. I don't know if I can do this myself yet I can't muster up the courage to find out who and where to ask for help. I do want to stop but this is an old habit I had ever since I was a kid. I feel dumb, sad, and a little depressed... I hope I set things right for me any my future.

[huggable1]

When the video told me to delete my accounts and video games, it felt like a punch in the gut. a piece of me I have to cut off. It felt like orders, it had to be done, for my self and future. I was already feeling restless, trying to figure out what to do. Jittery, my mind was pacing, frantic for something, ANYTHING. I couldn't stop thinking. The next thing I did was go to my bed and pass out. After waking up, the thought's of video games didn't go away but at least I was able to find out a way to silence that part of my brain. I know what I had to do. I continued to the next module and learned about making new hobbies. My mind still feels a fuzzy attraction to video games but I always remind myself, that is who I don't want to be anymore. the sleepless nights, the lost time, added stress, low-grade depression and self-isolation. All that felt terrible. I don't want to go through that, not again, not ever because of video games. I hope these hobbies will make me a better person.

[huggable1]

After learning more about hobbies and doing a relapse, I've learned something that'll help me with my journey.

1. All the games a person plays, no matter what, will eventually become worthless as the progress of the game is bound by a developer who will eventually move on. With this knowledge, I now know that if I want to do something that'll give value to me for a long time, I'll have to make something instead of using things others have made.

2. I can reduce the amount of hours I play video games to 1-2 hours whilst still being with friends and if a game I'm playing has no friends or doesn't really have anything that I truly like about the game, it's best to simply not play at all and use my time doing other things.

3. If a game is played not to progress but instead for fun, you start to see how a game keeps people attached as people keep playing to search for that fun, that happiness. Once you see that games keep you busy instead of giving you true entertainment, that time is better spent being busy with things that are actually important.

Though I relapsed, these things I've learned will help me in understanding myself and my next attempt. Up next, making a schedule and learning how to utilize it whilst learning new hobbies.

round 2 here we go.