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Pete's Diary


Peter 85

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Today is the 21st day of my 90 day detox.

In order to make it harder for myself to relapse I destroyed my computer. Uninstalling the games and steam wasn't enough in the past and I repeatably relapsed. I timed the start of the detox to coincide with a holiday overseas which made it much easier to get through those first few days.

I experienced similar withdrawal symptoms to what I have previously encountered when attempting to quit in the past however not nearly as bad (loneliness, sadness and anxiety) and they only lasted a couple/few days which is consistant with previous attempts.

The trip overseas was a great experience. It wasn't all peachy but if I had not committed to the trip I otherwise would have spent those 3 weeks in a MMORPG and have nothing tangible to show for that time.

I arrived home two days ago and now the real challenge begins. I need to deal with the stress, anxiety and boredom of my life without using video games to escape from the challenge.

My main hobbies are art, reading and watching movies. I have started getting back into the art and so far I am pleasantly surprised at how much I am enjoying it. I believe that the dopamine detox has already taken effect because the enjoyment I experience drawing is much more of a strong feeling than when I had tried drawing while attempting a regulatory approach to reducing game time. I also get lost in the experience with time passing without the urge to return to the game.

Today has been a challenge. I am hung over and don't have the motivation to do anything. Playing games was a very easy to pass a day hung over.

I am not wildly confident that this  game-free time will stick because there are a couple of games coming out in a few months that I would love to play. I have effectively bargained myself into relapsing when these games come out but realise at this point that 90 days without games is definitely achievable, and perhaps the risk of playing these games will either be lower, easier to manage or I may be more inclined to make this cessation of gaming permanent.

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Edited by Peter 85
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Posted (edited)

This week has been a bit hard for me. I've been feeling quite triggered to go back to the games. I have been in a circuitous loop for a long time doing Mon - Fri, getting plastered and playing video games on the weekend and then regretting how I spent my free time.

I have been getting back into drawing and painting but unfortunately something about the way I have been sitting while doing this has caused my back pain to flare up.

In good news I have been able to reduce my alcohol intake along side the gaming and waking up on the weekend with no hangover or alarm is such a blessed experience. Secondly, my comfort level with social interactions is much improved.

Edited by Peter 85
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Day 33

I have just returned from a week working away from home and so have had no trouble operating without video games recently.
It is Easter now though and an extremely difficult time for me. I have four days to fill and I want to spend a least some of that time with the people I am closest to and value the most. But I feel strong anxiety organising and committing to those plans. Usually in this position I would be playing games, on my first beer of the evening and be extremely relieved that I could postpone taking action until "Tomorrow".
I spent several hours cleaning my oven today. After returning home I noticed an unpleasant smell and resolved to attack the issue, postulating that the source was either an old bit of food that jumped out off the wok and rested awkwardly behind the oven or is the carpet in need of a shampoo. The oven took so god damn long to clean that I had time to realise the state of the oven is emblematic of the state of my life. Its been neglected for so long.
Pretty hard to summon the enthusiasm to clean the oven when you could be exploring dungeons with adventurers.

To leave this post on a positive note I give thanks for three things:

  1. I have lost 0.5kg since last week.
  2. My binge drinking free run matches that of game free run and is some how effortlessly easy to maintain.
  3. My back is feeling way better. TY TY TY.
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Managed to get through Easter without too much trouble. I am quite happy with how it went. I drove out of the city to visit my brother and a friend, staying overnight away from home.

There was very little to feel anxious about but I have to admit I wasn't highly entertained. The was some small anxiety in various moments. There is a feeling of relief - relief from being isolated and feeling unable to tear myself away from the game. Its also nice to have a clear conscience - I lie about my video game habit - hide it out of shame. Now when talking to people if they ask, "what did you do yesterday?" I can reply truthfully without the stress of trying to cover my gaming habit.

Had a whole day to myself today spent mainly at home. Its definitely challenging when you're at bit bored and trying to figure out how you should spend your time - the memories of gaming come creeping in.

Will be working away from home and probably taking some holidays over the 4 weeks or so. I hope to build some social connections in that time.

 

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