Just needed to speak it out loud. I am not identifying myself as Videogamer anymore (starting today)

[BergZerg]

So i somehow felt the need to do this (Sorry for mediocre english since its not my native language)

 

Here is my story

38 years of age, being in a happy partnership having an 8 year old stepson and a beautiful wife

i also have a good job nowadays and from the outside it looks like i have my life kinda under control.

 

But the truth is i did struggle hard the last 7 months and gained 10kg of weight while not being able to keep a regular sport shedule.

I did not manage to do my regular hobby since October 2023 , which is riding roadbikes and i only go to the gym once every 2 weeks despite it being 5 minutes next to where i life.

Now you might wonder why an 38 year old man does not make it to the gym more than 1 time per 2 weeks despite living next to it ?

Why an 38 old man does not ride his bike at all for months despite having a 700€ indoor trainer setup and the time it takes to start a Session is less than 10 minutes.

 

And the Answer was :  Because he choose to play Videos games that contribute nothing to his life instead. Well actually most of the time he doesnt even play them himself.

He choose to watch others play videogames so he could learn how to be good at those games from them......

 

How it all began:

I have always been kind of a pc gamer since i was 8 years old.

But it never really got out of control before 2003 slightly before my 18 birthday (God that was more than 20years ago... how time flys by is insane.)

In 2003 a friend of mine asked me if we should try to play this RTS game online 1on1.

I have never heard of that game before but he said he tried it with other friends and it was really fun.

The name of the game was Starcraft Broodwar and he had a physical copy of it with several cd-keys that worked online.

 

So we played this game and he crushed me hard.

But i had fun. So i started to do the single player campaign and watch online videos about that game.

Back in the day there was a really active forum called Teamliquid. (The team that is now big in E-sport) was at that time just a community of 15-18 year old kids.

Guys from TOT) and PG hang out there.

I dont know why exactly but with this game and me it just made click.

Half a year later my only goal in life was to become a Starcraft Progamer ...... I trained 8h a day, joined a clan , played all the ladders back then: WGT,PGT,Iccup and had weekly league matches in BWCL 2nd divison. I played 3600h of that game in 2 years. I realized i would not make it pro in this game since i have seen the likes of Legionaire, Elky, Rekrul all failing trying to do so.

But what i did instead was create smurf accounts and try how far i can go in 1v1 public games.   I often would go like 120 games before someone finally did beat me.

What stuck with me from that time was the feeling:  I might not be the best in this but i am for sure better than almost everyone else !

and then in 2005 i got my first real girlfriend and i quit gaming.

 

But that feeling that Starcraft Broodwar gave me from 2003-2005 would become a problem for the rest of my life to this day.

In 2012 CS.Go came out and after 7 years of not gaming i got back into playing videogames. Well lets just play a little Counterstrike i said.

I was sober from gaming for 7 years.... i have it under control.....

1 year and 1300h later being LEM i decided i dont have it under control and must quit video games again.

 

But only this time i somehow could not quit video games.

It was as if my body said:  you cant fool me again dude:  7 years abstinence ?  No i am not doing this again... we keep playing !

I Quit playing CS Go but started to pick up Path of Exile and Souls Games and then dead by daylight. Recently i tried getting into Dota2 and Mechabellum

 

Now from 2012 to 2024 i have been playing different video games for an average of 15h in 2 weeks which might not seem too much.

However i also spend at least 20h per 2 weeks watching others play the same games and trying to improve.

So thats 35h in 2 weeks on average every week for 11+ years which is a bit above 10.000h spent trying to be good at video games.

10.000h of my life wasted for nothing !

 

Now lets jump to 2023/2024

i noticed i start to gain weight in mid 2023. Not much at first but over time its noticeable.  Now 7 months and +10kg

The reason is obvious.

I was doing an immense amount of sports before.

Cycling 3 times a week and weight training 2 times a week.

But for the last 7 months i only did weight training 1 time every 2 weeks and completely stopped cycling

 

you know what i do with all my new free time instead ?

 

Watching Dota 2 Streams and Mechabellum streams trying to get good at both games while being 38 years old .

WTF am i doing ?

Deep inside I am simply afraid of loosing a part of my childhood that says:  " I am someone who is good at video games"

I mean i started DOTA 2 in 2023 ????? being 38 years of age ?  wtf is wrong with me ?

 

Now i think the reason is that i cant be "good" at sports anymore with 38 years of age. I simply notice more and more young people becomming faster than me on the bike and more and more young people becomming stronger than me at the gym. (Well maybe i should not compare 17-24 year ones with me being 38)

So my mind searches for an alternative.

The healthy choice would be :   Be good at your job !

The easy choice would be : be good at the thing you were good when you were a teenager !  Videogames

 

Now i am aware that despite having a bit of fear.

there is only one correct choice.

 

And it starts now.

I was a video gamer in the past but i am not one now !  This time is over !  I must make peace with it ! I dont play video games and i dont want to be good at video games.

 

Not sure if anyone would read that long text.

but i had to get it out of me in a  loud way.

Edited February 5 by BergZerg