[Qwethm987's journal]

I am hereby starting my journal, since I think it is a crucial tool if I am going to keep track of my process and kick my addictions for good. I will call today day1, even though I didn't play anything yesterday either. I did however watch some "clash royale" gameplay while eating breakfast, and I don't think it matters whether it is me who is playing or if I'm wasting my time watching someone else.

Day 1:

Today is the first day in I don't know how long, where I have had the opportunity to play and watch gameplay/streams, where I have resisted the urge. It is my fifht day without porn and masturbation and it is the first day in a long time where I've only eaten actual, home made food for all my meals. I haven't eaten any candy and I've only been drinking water the entire day except for a glass of apple juice at breakfast (no need in throwing it out, I might as well empty it ;-))

I started the day with a 6km run (~4 miles) and then came home to eat breakfast. Normally I always watch gameplay videos or netflix at all my meals (unless I eat with other people), but today I just tried to enjoy my food without any distractions. I spend the following hours uninstalling all games on my pc, phone and laptop, and I set my steam-account for sale on reddit. It doesn't seem like there are a lot of buyers, so I might end up just deleting it. I also finished reading "respawn" and thought there were some good points. I also dug out my notes from back when I read "The slight edge", and it was nice to be reminded of some of the points Jeff Olson makes in that book. I especially found one qoute that I think will help me in my endeavours: 

    "Its not a question of your mood or your feelings. And its not a question of will power. Its a question of simply knowing."

No matter how I feel, how strong my urges are, how much I try to rationalize that it might not harm to play for a little, deep down I know that isn't what is best for me. I simply know that I want to stop, and whatever it is that is giving me these urges, isn't really me. 

I've also changed all six strings on my guitar and played for about an hour in total. It's been a long time since I've done that. I also played a little bit of piano, but I mainly focused on the guitar today. Other than that I've spent around 2 hours on codeacademy, I've read in one of my books, and I've meditated for the first time in months.

The only regret I have for today is that I've seen two episodes of "a bit of fry and laurie" a british comedy show from the late eighties. However, this isn't much of a problem compared to the time I usually spend, and since I unsubscribed to netflix last night, I just watched these 2 episodes on youtube. I also had some troubles as I took a shower, and started getting urges to masturbate, but with a swift change in the temperature of the water, those urges quickly disappeared.

I am leaving for a Danish folk high school tomorrow (nothing like the American high school) which I am super excited for. I am sure this will help me a lot, since I'll be away from my gaming computer, I'll be living with others, sleeping in bunk beds, making it less likely that I'll want to masturbate. And of course I will be doing a lot of fun activities with a lot of (hopefully) fun people. 

So far so good. I am hopeful, and I think I might actually be able to radically change my life. I am really glad I found this website and bought respawn, and I'm overwhelmed with the positive response I've gotten on my entry post. It's so nice to feel welcome, and I definately want to be part of this community.

[My journal - Alan]

What about reading some more philosophical books;
Fiction where it is not the alternate universe, that is in focus, but what the story says about ourselves that's important. An example could be "The stranger" by Albert Camus. Or maybe some actual philosophical essays, which aren't really fiction, but aren't really non fiction either. It's not important to absorb every word, as long as you grasp and think about the overall ideas.

Or maybe reading something like "Mans search for meaning" by Viktor Frankl, which is part biography and part philosophy about how he survived the deathcamp of Auswitz while never completely giving up on hope. 

Or as a russian it might be interesting to read One day in the life of ivan Denisovich by nobel prize winner Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn.

Of course, books might just not be the right answer for you, however there are a lot of different types of books, and I do believe that there might also be some which can fill the gap your videogames filled ;-)

I hope my suggestions can be of any help, and I wish you the best of luck in finding an activity, whether it be reading books or something else.

[Trying something new.]

I want to thank you all for the support. It is extremely motivating to feel people, whom you have never met and probably never will, rooting for you and wishing you good luck. I know it might sound silly, but your comments are a great help, and they really do make me want to do my very best to succeed.

@dandielionous: I've luckily never been able to drink coffee, so at least that won't be a problem to abstain from ;-). You might be right, that I am setting my goals a bit too high, and I've revised a tiny bit. Though I do feel that my candy-eating is a huge problem, since I often eat som chocolate or candy instead of actually cooking a proper meal, I've decided to allow myself to eat cake/candy, as long as it is homemade and I've actually worked to make it. What I want to prevent are the quick pleasures, where I get instant dopamine without working for it ;-) I think it's alright to eat some cookies, as long as I've spent an hour baking them first, since that will no longer be easier than cooking actual dinner.

@phpsmith: Yeah, I don't think it's possible to ever know excactly who you are, since you're constantly evolving and developing yourself. I really hope that the change in my physical and social environment provided by the High School will help me effectively keeping my addictions at bay. With lessons during the day, and crafting rooms, a gym, musical instruments and a lot of friendly, open minded people in the spare time, I'll hopefully be able to develop new hobbies and get new friends.

@Alan Thank you for the kind words and encouragement. I am not a moment in doubt that it is going to be hard. I am constantly thinking about doing one of the things I am trying to quit, and it seems like the only time the cravings go away is when they are replaced by cravings towards something else. What causes me most pain is the feeling that everything is ultimately meaningless. I remember feeling this way since I've been 14-15 years old, and the only way to make the thought go away has so far been to numb my mind with my harmful activities. Hopefully, by forcing myself to actually do things instead of just sitting alone feeling depressed, I might be able to change my view on life. I think all the mentioned addictions are almost equally harmful, since one often leads to another, and I think it is easier to get rid of them all at the same time, rather than focusing on one at the time.

@Cam Adair: I want to thank you for creating this community. I plan on making a daily journal starting this evening, and I really do think that by reminding myself of the points you make in Respawn and with the continued support of this forum, in addition to my own commitment and change of environment, I will hopefully be able to drastically change my life for the better! 

[Trying something new.]

I am a 20 years old male from Denmark. I find myself quite different from most people around me in that I have no idea what so ever who I am. It might be normal to have some doubts about who you are at my age (or any age for that matter), but rather than having a few doubts, I don't know what I want to do, what I want to achieve or if i even want to do or achieve anything at all. The last couple of years I've spend most my time either thinking about how meaningless everything is, or numbing my mind with alchohol, pornography or videogames, so I don't have to think.

I've always been interested in philosophy, and I especially enjoy reading about stoicism, existentialism, naturalistic buddhism and evolutionary psychology, and I've convinced myself that life has no given meaning. Nothing is permanent, everything will fade away, I am nothing compared to the vastness of the universe, no joy will last for ever and so on and so on. So far my reaction to this has been to just deliberately wasting my time by spending all my free time playing or masturbating. I've been avoiding social encounters since they always lead to questions about what I want to do with my life (which so far has been absolutely nothing except distracting myself from being depressed.). If i did meet up with my friends it's mostly been in order of drinking my mind out. I always end up drinking almost an entire bottle of vodka (70cl) and I recently was arrested and brought to the hospital by the police. The next morning my blood alchohol level was 2.6, I have no idea what it was when I was arrested.

That didn't stop me from drinking, and I was almost just as drunk the next weekend.

However, I have read a lot of studies about happiness and dopamine, and I recently started entertaining the idea, that if I try to starve myself from dopamine, I might be able to find joy in the things I now have no interest in. If I cold turkey and actually start to engage my mind instead of numbing it, I might find something to be passionate about and become more happy. Therefore I've decided to stop doing the easily achievable things that are known to give "overdoses" of dopamine. The things I don't have to work for, the things which are always there to numb my mind, so I don't have to take responsibility for my life. The 27. december I decided to stop masturbating and watching porn, yesterday I decided to stop eating processed foods, candy and to only drink water (no sugar-drinks and no alchohol), and today I've decided to quit gaming. I am going to delete my netflix account and I am going to sell my Steam account.

I've been mastubating several times a day the last couple of years, and I've eaten candy and drinked beer daily for a long time too. I figured that with the cravings I already am experiencing towards those things, I might as well cold turkey on the digital stimulations too ;-)

I am starting on a Danish Højskole (literally High school, but nothing like the American version, it is a very interesting concept http://danishfolkhighschools.com/about) the 2. January, and this will take me away from my gaming computer, I will be living far away from stores where I could be tempted to by sugar or alchohol, and I will be living with other people in my room, sleeping in bunkbeds, making it easier to resist masturbating. Here I will have the opportunity to replace my addictions with being social through music, sport, discussions/debates and hopefully I've now taken the first couple of steps on my journey out of meaninglessness.