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Everything posted by Schwing

  1. The Fated Train I'm on a fucking train and it's going so fast it derails a little every once in a while. But somehow it manages to stick to the tracks. Some cargo falls off sometimes, but if the train slows down; if it even comes to a stop. The fuel depletes at a constant rate. The end of the line is defined by the volume of the tank itself. So the train chugs on and keeps chugging as fast as it possibly can. To the horizon. I was so busy chugging this train that I relapsed on nofap 3 days in row! SHIT! It's just so exciting and it takes so much willpower all my energy I was putting to nofap has shifted into the spin of the wheels. Attention passengers; this is your nutjob of a driver speaking here! I am most apologetic to inform you that customer service is not a priority anymore! This train is fated! However we shall still try our best to maintain standards. Thank you for your patience and go fuck yourself! Ah shit. I don't even know right now. I suddenly stopped caring about everything and started caring about comic books. But it feels so fucking good! I'm finally alive! I'll try not to jerk it. But I won't put my arse on the line for nofap. I'm actually getting pretty bulky from working out. Need a strong back so I can sit on my arse all day and make comics. Plus it's a great escape from the screen and gives me lots of motivation. Got a new comic book in the post today (HAWKEN: Genesis)! Looks dope as fuck! Here is some of today's practice:
  2. It's Spring Motherfuckers! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X2goYUJpq9k They say your life has seasons. Spring has sprung. I feel it. This newfound bliss! Been a hectic week. Getting all this art shit together. I'm really grateful for all the support I've gotten. It's really been staggering. I surprised I've had so much positive contribution to my decision. My art teachers have been really helpful. I've now formulated a bit of a plan: My plan for my remaining time at school is to focus on honing my skills, finding contacts in industry and building a portfolio and knowledge of illustration/comics. Try an rack up as much tutoring as I can. I'll attend life drawing classes on tuesdays (BOOBS!!!). In the meantime I'll keep up with my Maths and physics and use them as a plan B and just to beef up my employability. I'll stick on with design/ technology and do a more creative project. Then I'll apply for uni in illustration and electrical engineering as a small option. I might have to take a foundation year for illustration given my lack of arty academic background. Then I'll take a gap year. In this year I'll continue to build up a portfolio and get an apprenticeship/ part time job and as much work in art as I can get my hands on. I'll build connections and get my work out there - try and promote myself as much as I can. Then at the end of it all I'll decide whether I still want to go to art school. Something awesome happened today! I told my design/technology teacher that I didn't want to be an engineer anymore and be a comic book artist. Expecting him to be pissed off at me I walked in to the department today to be greeted by a table covered in comic books! He said he was given them by a guy who had to clear out a load of stuff. He wasn't interested himself so he gave them all to me. This shit is pretty obscure. Never heard of any of it. Plus I flicked through and it all looks dope as fuck! Super dark, super gritty. Titties, sex, drugs and satan! YEA! He gave me some ideas about my project for next year. And, the technician went to art school for graphic design and she said she could find me a shitload of contacts. NICE! I'm not alone. I have an army of people around me; supporting me in what I do. I'm growing as a person. Something want's to be let out and I am the gatekeeper. I'm pulling open the floodgates for my soul to surge through. I'll endure the dark; i'll love it. Because I know there is daylight on the other side.
  3. Learn this shit on bass and I'll fly to austria and come pat you on the back
  4. Nice man! I'll check out all those comics!
  5. Hey man. Not really sure what business I want to start, but I don't really like working under some boss. Man that is awesome. Just start, write to a local newspaper if you are allowed to do a weekly comic strip (for free at the beginning). I would love to make music and videos for you! Ahhh I see. In this world though; under this system a man can only get so far on his own. You'll need to coax up to the big shots to be a big shot yourself one day! Don't let your pride get in the way! You can suck on someone's titties for a time and when you get good at it; grow your own titties and make your own business! Something music production related perhaps? I don't know much about the industry. Perhaps you could set up a studio and do contracts? Whatever kind of business you're gonna run though - make sure you get in one and get some experience doing the grunt work first. Get a feel for it. Once you know how the insides work; head for the brain. Nice idea! I'll write that down. I'm miles away from any promotional videos and stuff now though. Just taking the first step. Can i get your email?
  6. Hey man! What kind of business do you want to start? Dream theater is fucking dope as fuck! PULLL MEE UNDEER PULLL ME UNDEERRRR PULLL MEE UNDERR I'M NOT AFRAID!!!! I've decided I'm going to be a comic book artist all of a sudden! I'm going to make the best comic ever. I'll need music for promotional videos and such and such. I'll hit you up when I need that shit!
  7. The First Step I'm off. I'm doing it! I'm going to become a comic book artist. I emailed my art teachers and a guy who used to go to my school for advice. I'm drawing everyday from now on. Here's what I did today: Sometimes, if there is something you truly want in your life you must make sacrifices. You must overcome adversity. And from it you become stronger. You find purpose. You must be prepared to cast of the shackles of self doubt and give everything to it. As chuck said: "In life there are no limits, you are only limited by how far you want to be limited". Guts fights demon, man and mandemon alike for his love for casca. That's what gives him strength - not his hate for griffith or the berserker armour. Comic books have come down to me like the hand of god reaching out palm extended. They've helped me cope with my misery. They've helped me become stronger. I can touch people's hearts with my own ideas and my own feelings. This is what I'm supposed to do!
  8. It's decided! I am going to be a comic book artist! Fuck engineering! I will never achieve true satisfaction in this life bumbling along through the motions. I want to do something I believe in. And I will do it at all costs. Video games inspire me a lot. But I just don't have the time to play the things! You can see my drawings here: http://vaeldus.deviantart.com/
  9. Day 178 - Chemical WarmthWhat is this feeling?I got bored with studying so I decided to pack it in for the night. I had some cool ideas for mechs in hawken and I sketched out a leg. At the same time I opened up steam and went to the warframe page. I used to play a lot of games with some friends at school. We would have a lot of fun together. But then I stopped playing with them. They went off and did other things and I was left by my self most of the time. Alone. Then I quit and I was never lonelier in my entire life. Even more alone. Lately they have been proposing that they should begin playing warframe again. I told them I was back on gaming and asked if I could join. They weren't too shocked but they accepted. I just needed to get away from this feeling of lack of belonging. Like there is no one around me. Like I'm sitting on the sidelines.I had my sketch pad in front of me. I almost press the 'play game' button to install but something hit me. I was listening to a song (one above). A riff came on that was stuck in my head all day. And I turned to an unfinished drawing I made: Then something hit me. A feeling I've only felt two or three times in my life. One so indescribable I have once resorted to calling it "high on an asian woman's breast milk" HAHAHA! I guess I can only describe it as 'chemical warmth'. I've felt it in moments when I was on the verge of something spectacularly blissful and exciting.Art. Comic books. Is there something special about them. Is there something in there that's a part of me? I don't know but this drawing I made just speaks to me in a language I can't translate but I can understand perfectly. It's drawn with shitty watercolour pencils (without the water) but I can feel every blossom on the tree. The warmth of the sun. The cool air of the mountain peaks. And the cold, solitude of the wayfarer. What is he walking towards? Why do I have this feeling?Why do I want to be an engineer when it means nothing to me? What's the difference between breaking your back drawing panels and breaking your back writing technical documents and doing CAD? The emotions, the ideas what I get out of this life is from art. Be it a videogame, a comic book, a book book or music. This is something I want to cherish. To preserve to perpetuate. Art is what's been keeping me alive in my soul all this time I've spent alone. It's that horizon that's kept me on my feet. But am I to walk to it or simply stare at it?Why? why am I sitting here? On the foothills? Not prepared to make the trek? I hear the screams from the tower afar. It might be just the wind playing tricks on me but it makes me afeared of what lies beyond. But this feeling is calling me to make the first step. To take action. It will be gone in time. But it shall then come again? On which cycle am I to walk? Or shall I never walk?I feel the feeling. But then I forget. Only to stay firm and look to other horizons. I'm walking in circles. But the sun lies on this horizon. It's warmth beckons me to set forth. To taste the fruits of the forest and fight the beasts that lie therein. To seek truth. To seek greatness. No. Not greatness. Only truth. Only to have the path. The feeling. The feeling is what guides us.Am I to set forth?
  10. This looks like a job for......SUPPPEERRRCAAMMM <insert super man theme here> I know that was cringe as fuck! But it was worth it!
  11. We shall find out! I only plan on playing one game. When I get bored I'll fuck off and do something else. I'm not spending any more money on games. I have plenty of them and plenty of other shit to do. Recalled this video from some bulky, gimpy as fuck nord man i used to watch!: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mzwi8rxI-88 Gaming is a great way I can connect with other people. Right now it's hard because of where i live and my situation at school. I might drop games when I hit uni and make friends and do stuff with them. And tbh I'm not carting this huge pc to my room with me! Fuck that!
  12. Ah shit I probably shouldn't have made a meal out of this. I might go back to being game free. I don't know. But right now - I'm going to play and stay smart!
  13. As I speak I am reinstalling steam! You're all probably wondering why. I've been through a lot of shit this past week and I've learnt a lot. This journey of personal development has been a tough one indeed! And it still will for the years to come. Don't think I'm returning to gaming on a bad note. Here's my reasoning: Lately I had a bit of an existential crisis. I descended into nihilism. I realised certain things about my personality that made me weak. You can check out my journal for an account of it. I found out I don't have purpose in this life. I can't fathom it. I haven't found it. I'm not there yet. Right now I'm in my formative years. I'm just a kid! I'm glad just being myself and doing what I enjoy. I'm not going to try to be anything. I am me that's it. I can only be the strongest version of me. I didn't truly understand the meaning of this until now. I haven't found purpose yet. But in this life there is purpose. There is pleasure amidst the pain. I feel it when I read comics. I feel it when I listen to metal. I feel it when I go for runs and work out. I feel it when I draw. I feel it when I see beautiful girls pass me by. This life holds many unearthed treasures more bountiful than I can behold. I've only seen the tip of the ice berg.I'll keep fighting porn for the sake of it. I don't need porn. I'm moving forward just because sitting around is boring and depressing as shit. The universe commands! But, as for videogames I shall return. The problem wasn't gaming addiction specifically. I wasn't addicted. I never rubber banded back into that shit. The thing is I started reading a fuck ton of comics the moment I quit. It's these refuges I need. My personality demands it. I eat, shit and breathe fantasy. Books, comics, games, drawing, metal: it's all the same to me. It's my escape from my bland and virtually non existent social life. My personality is the problem. Removing gaming allowed me to see more into life though. I was able to discover so much by booting myself up the arse and quitting. This booting led me to discover myself. It allowed me to become more of a responsible adult. I'm truly glad I quit even if it was for only about 6 months. Most significant 6 months of my life I'd say. I'm going to go to bed on time. I'm going to wake up up time. I'm going to exercise. I'm going to do my studying. I'm going to go on holidays. I'm going to expand myself. This is what I'm going to do and gaming has nothing to do with it. Gaming is just another one of my little pleasures. Gaming provides me with an environment where I can be competitive and indulge in fantasy. In fact gaming seems like a good way I can use to rectify my bad personality trait of shying away from competition. I was using gaming as a crutch. A crutch for everything in life. But I don't need a crutch anymore. I can run on my own two feet and pick up my crutch with both hands as a club! Bludgeoning, smashing, crushing! Laying waste to the enemy! Into the fray! Onward we march! The Warrior's Infinite Opus calls! Thank you guys so much for sticking around and thank you cam for making this site! This isn't just about quitting games but it's even more than that! It's about finding yourself. Through quitting games I was able to find myself (not completely though!). Now I can move on and do what I need to do! I know now how to approach my life. To all 1000 dayers: I obviously can't continue with my pledge now! But I actually wouldn't want to be a part of the program anymore anyway. No offence but it isn't working. Too big of a commitment for too few people who are always changing. We don't do anything anymore! But, I encourage you guys to continue this yourselves if you so choose! To my accountability partner: We haven't talked in a while! If you want I can still skype with you! I haven't quit expanding myself. I might be a bad influence though. hehe. Thanks again and good luck to you all!
  14. Day 178 - The HydraWell. I still feel empty. I don't feel like relapsing though. Porn and masturbation just makes me feel sick. Like when you eat too much sugary crappy processed food. That kind of sick. The thing is porn just doesn't satisfy me. Nothing does. I feel emotionless. Like I'm dead inside or some dumb shit like that. Today I was back at school. I could hold a conversation sure. I was very confident. But that was only because I stopped caring. I feel stoic. But it sucks. And I know why.I grew up in a pretty shitty family setting. My father could never provide me with the strong figure I needed. A greater man to respect. I never even had a brother. He was retarded. Like actually severely mentally retarded. He used to try to attack me all the time. He died when I was 11, a couple of weeks before his 18th birthday. Sometimes I wonder if things would have been better if he was normal. But then I wonder if he would be just as fucked up than me. If not even more.I was weak. I didn't know it but I was. To make up for this I substituted reality for fantasy. Then I began to create images. Images to feign my strength. I loved my images. I could project anything and say, "Look at me!". Except nobody would look. That wasn't the point though. I wanted to be able to look at myself and be content. But i wasn't truly looking at myself. Just the images. The images were the ideas of myself projected by my hobbies. I wanted to be THAT kid. That one kid that does that thing. And the thing was always some stupid shit in my head conceived by my imagination. I didn't like it when people did my thing too. They would ruin it and make it their thing. That's why I hid. I was scared to mingle with the others. I didn't trust them. I didn't trust anyone. Not even myself. I was also scared when the thing got hard to do. So I fled to find other things which I could use to fuel my images.I fed off these images. My only things to look up to. I couldn't look up to my dad. He was useless. I couldn't look up to my mum. She was my mother; she was a woman; the source of comfort. I couldn't look up to my brother. He had the mind of an infant. Hobby to hobby. Interest to interest. All for nought. I still do it to this day. I'm scared for people to know me. To see past my images. "Look at me! I haven't played games in 5 months! Look at me I do art! Look at me! Look! LOOK!" All distractions. Now I have realised that all I am doing is fuelling images I have little motivation to do anything. Tried doing some handstands today though. Was quite fun. I also listened to a lot of metal today. I can still find lots of enjoyment in that.But, the base problem remains. The torso of this multi-headed hydra. I sever the heads one by one but they only grow back. I must thrust my sword into the belly of the beast. But in doing so I risk being torn apart.I'm lost. In disarray. I'm afraid if I sink back I'll just lead a life of lies. I would bring the beast down but I don't know how. And if I do then what lies beyond? I'm in limbo. In purgatory. Waiting. Wasting away.
  15. Day 177 - Fixing my shitThe flood gates have opened. I'm back. On Thursday I was in a pretty nihilistic state of mind. I could do anything. It sucked. I let my mind run loose and beat down on my soul. Disrespecting the unison. Ended up watching porn again. Twice in the space of 3 hours.On Friday I went for a run. I was really enjoying it. My troubles went away. I went to the stream and check out the top part. But then as I was sprinting back home I realised I was 25 mins late for work. I wasn't angry or sad or scared. I just got down there and apologised. I actually felt good. I came in drenched in sweat and panting. Started doing the dishes pretty quick. But I was careless. Kept fucking up. Kept breaking glasses and shit. Chef got angry. I didn't really care. I felt happy from being fresh out of monkey land. But then I kept messing up. And it kept coming out of nowhere. Bullshit on top of more bullshit. Got angry fast. Real fucking pissed but I wasn't prepared to let it out in front of everyone. I started getting mad at the world. Mad at all the shit I hated about it and how all of a sudden it decided to fuck me in the arse. Went home with no dinner. Tired. Pissed off. Took a cold shower. Watched some shitty porn. Went to sleep.Woke up next morning at 12:30 with a killer headache. I then went on to write that piece of shit post. I didn't actually go for that run. My stepdad needed help taking down a shed but I was too weak to just say: "Fuck you I'm going for a run!" Same thing almost happened today but I just left without saying anything. Yesterday I watched a couple of movies and tried to chill the fuck out. I watched Super and The Matrix: Reloaded. Good movies.Woke up today and I still felt like shit. I went for the run. I screamed hard. Kick some rocks. Threw my shirt off. And then I just lay down in the sun and sat around on the rocks. "I'm fucking alive!", I said.Life is more than survival and life is more than progress. When you boil it down you could say that the very action of trying to survive is piling sand because life is meaningless is it not? It's this boiling; this digesting of reality; this straining of the mind that drives us insane. This universe; this kid on the internet called Schwing. I am a part of it and it is a part of me. When I was walking around outside I felt this. Without each and every individual molecule of air, earth, water, everything I wouldn't be the same person. I am a mere product of the folds of chaos. The ebb and flow of time. This isn't about me; my struggle; my pain; my pleasure; my life. This is about everything. I understand now that I must sit back and let the universe flow through me. There is one true constant and that is my soul's existence. My need to feel. My sentience. The inexplicable unfathomable depths of my consciousness. That is where God is and I must respect it. I think too deeply of myself.I believe in the bible somewhere it says this:"Men love your women and women respect your men"I believe this can apply to the mind and soul. The mind must love the soul and bring it to places where it can be nurtured. The soul must respect the mind and the limitations of reality. Man woman. Mind soul. It's funny how everything is linked.Thank you for sticking around and reading my stupid posts. I'm terrible at expressing gratitude or anything emotional really. It's good to have a place where I can say what I want and have people listen. Thank you all.
  16. Day 17something - FUCK YOU!!! Fuck this piece of motherfucking shit. Why can't we all fucking nuke each other already? What's wrong humanity? Too busy building your fucking pillars of fucking sand to care? To think? To give a singular motherfucking shit! I can't even take a shit without your fucking machines you fuck! Greetings. I'm a fucking ape monkey man. In the not too dismal dark and distant dingy dingbat dickmilking past my race of monkey fuckers invented something truly groundbreaking on a cosmological scale. By piling sand on top of more sand; one can make a pillar! OF SAND!!! Unfortunately this is as difficult as it is pointless. Due to the ever increasing scale of the project of sand building (aka. 'Progress'), every ape monkey man decided to build cybernetic enhancements so that they could pile the sand more effectively. Unfortunately, such cybernetics require stringent maintenance! Therefore ape monkey man built many more machines to cater to his needs! It came to a time when ape monkey man forgot how to do basic monkey things like take a shit and scream when he was angry! But Progress called and ape monkey man had to create machines to fuel his monkey needs too! As the years past by ape monkey man started to suck. He didn't even know if he was an ape monkey man anymore. All he knew was how to pile sand and how to hook himself up to the machines. However some ape monkey men just don't give a fuck! A growing contingent of ape monkey men have realised that the cybernetic enhancements aren't actually there! They are projection of the mind created by the toxic granular fumes of death that emanate from the pillars of sand. It's very hard to get rid of them though. Ape monkey man has fallen so far he can't go back. He is stuck. Many ape monkey men use machines so that they may enter the jungle once more. But then Progress calls and bids them return. They always return. The jungle is a dark and lonely place and your cybernetics tend to fail there. You may lose your mind. At least they can be with the other monkeys piling the sand. But for some piling sand just doesn't cut it. Some ape monkey men don't have very good cybernetics. There ape monkey parents sorted that out for them. So they are not very good at piling sand. They try and do it with all the ape monkey strength they have but then the other super cyber ape monkeys laugh at them and say mean things. All they really see is ape monkey cybernetics. Not the ape flesh. NO MORE!!! Fuck your fucking cybernetics. Fuck your sand. I play this game how I want. I don't give a fuck about your opinion. I don't give a fuck about your nice words. I don't give a shit about your fucking job! I'll take your machine food! I'll shit on your monkey food! You think machines can make monkey food? Go fuck yourself! Shit I think I'm losing it. Look I even made some crap on microsoft paint! HAHAH! Just being a dumb edgy teen again. Need to go do something with this fucking STRESS. SHIT. Need to do something. Tired of fake smiling. Can't keep this shit up. Fuck. Going for a run. Gonna break some shit! BE RIGHT BACK! Bye!
  17. Day 174 - Stoically Sick I feel nothing. I don't know what happened but it's been like this since the latter half of wednesday. I just can't bring myself to care about anything at all. Nothing phases me. I must write about it. I don't know how else to solve it. Overcome with some sort of peculiar nihilism I actually relapsed on my nofap today. But I don't care. I don't care about girls. I don't care about goals. I don't care about anything. This will pass. I hope it will at least. It feels like I hold no value over anything. That my whole life is pointless and that I'm aimlessly flailing my arms in the dark at illusions of salvation. It feels like my soul has departed my body. All that's left is a shell. I sort of feel like I just want to go back to games and sink into this imaginary world where I could flop about and do pointless shit in peace. I feel like these past 4 months have just been me flopping about doing random shit but in different ways. And now, I see nothing. No road to the future. No window into the past. Just the present whizzing by my face. Perhaps I drilled this into myself. I let go of my struggles a bit recently. Thought: "hey fuck it man you're you and it doesn't really matter if you're not a social god. Every man has his definition and yours is whatever it is. It really doesn't matter. Just be the strongest version of yourself!" But the catch is if nothing really matters then what's the point in being anything more? What do we even define as more in a life where we are fixed in an equilibrium of change. Hmm. I don't fucking know. I'll just go study and see what happens. This'll probably pass and i'll revert to old me in no time. Whatever old me was....
  18. Day 174 - The Archetype Dilemma I've been the same ever since I was a little kid. At lunch breaks I would sit on the concrete and play with stones while everyone else played football. And that was absolutely everyone. All the other kids just wanted to fit in and have fun. Of course I wanted to have fun; but fitting in was an untrod path for me. I would created my own games and play by my own rules. Some became pretty popular actually. I was away with the fairies. Couldn't have given a fuck. I would explore all kinds of strange and exciting things. I traversed the world of my imagination because I was too weak to traverse the world of reality. The same could be said for most kids perhaps but I feel like it was a different story for me. Everyone always used to ask me: "why are you so weird?". Didn't matter who it was. I would always get that question. I remain the same person to this day. Just in a different skin. I bear the archetype of the magician. The man who toils in the realms that few look to traverse. The realms of the soul. But he is always alone. His work is his own venture. Hmm. It's strange. I am a pisces and I exhibit the traits typical to one. Perhaps this star sign shit is not 100% bullshit after all. Really I am not grounded in any discipline of the real world. Not dedicated. Not a warrior. Not charismatic. Not a lover. Not assertive. Not a king. I've been a magician this whole time. I sought to change myself and be more. I sought to train as a warrior but I remained the same. I sought to train to be a lover but I remained the same. I sought to train to be a king but I remained the same. I remained that same kid fucking around with stones while everyone was out enjoying themselves. The only difference is I have convinced myself that I am weak and pathetic to exhibit my intrinsic sensitivity and lack of discipline. Too busy being unhappy with myself because I am lonely. Thought weakness was my issue. But no. It's just me that's the issue. For now that is. Things change. My environment will change. I can only change myself so much. As of now, my soul is still there...on the concrete. Perhaps strength is not found in the vanquishing of weakness; but understanding it and pressing on. A darkness bore by the soul can not be cured by moving from one place to another.
  19. Doesn't work for me. If I have an impulse to do something I simply initiate. 5 seconds or not. However, if I have an impulse to not do something it doesn't matter if I count to 5 hours or 5 nano-seconds.
  20. Day 172 - Habits So I reasoned with myself a couple of days ago that I should look at porn to see if my brain had fully rewired! HAH! Bullshit. First couple of times it just felt wrong! Saw the guy and was like: "naaaaaah". But I tried it again today. More off a curios impulse. Felt risky so I closed that site! Fucking Phub! If I could nuke the server and assassinate all the shareholders/ ceo/ employees then I would! Anyway. It wasn't too much of a chore to rationalise with myself that I have to subscribe to delayed gratification. I'm not going to click on porn sites again. Even if I had 'good' intention. Because with every action a potential habit develops if not regulated properly. Every action has a karma so to speak. I was gravitating toward porn I think because deep down my mind is craving sex from all the stress that I've been building up lately. By allowing myself to give in a little it naturally escalated. Good that I was able to stop it. I'm not resetting! I was talking to @Sarma one day and he mentioned that he was reading a book, The Power of Habit, in which it states habit forming and breaking takes willpower. This led me to realise this: I had struggled trying to form/ break many habits at once to no avail. I have only succeeded in being consistent in a few. Some habit shaping was ailed by stress at the time. If I let too much stress build up I'll break. Got to manage my habit shaping activities and not overwhelm myself. Or I could relapse to porn and that would be a nail in the coffin. Lately I've been trying to: Tinker with circuitry moreSocialise more effectivelyNot wankChange workout routineStudy for examsAdjust sleep cycleNaturally a little too much stress built up. Let's cut out the least important! That should relieve the pressure enough. I only skimmed the verge of a relapse. When I get my workout routine sorted I'll started playing with circuits again. Here's a really noobish one I made! Basically- when you ground the capacitor the LED goes off until it charges back up again, flicks on the transistor (or tranny as I like to call them hehehe) and light up the LED again.
  21. Here's a response to above post from nofap. Thought it might be helpful! Just make sure you don't try to pick up a 5 year old at the library I love that episode! Best show ever! Didn't realise you were the comedy type of person though Schwing said: ↑ Yeah, I know the feeling. But personally, I'm tired of being the one who always bends to society. Why do we have to be the ones who are awkward? Who dictates normality? Engaging in pointless banter that is neither educational nor barely constructive is downright normal, but engaging in deep debates about life and the world we live in is creepy and weird? Apparently to be considered "normal" you have to have the IQ of a goat. Speak one big word and you're suddenly a condescending bastard who speaks in esoteric tongues. Laziness is promoted and even rewarded in this sick society of ours. Now, I understand that sometimes it is expedient to blend in. But man, I have tried! Really tried. I did all that stuff on your list. Even went as far as to try and become a dumbass. I remember when I was 14, I got so frustrated at being an outcast that I stopped studying completely (that was when I quit reading novels). My grades plummeted and teachers even asked me what was going on (they thought it was home-related). I was so desperate to be normal. To have what all my friends took for granted. To have a girlfriend, social skills.....to have a life. It worked. I made a lot of friends (some of them were even girls), and my social skills started to develop. People actually liked me, I remember. But even though I had finally achieved that which I had always dreamed of, I felt miserable and out of place. That's when my porn addiction really swung out of control. That period was also the first time I cried....just sat up and cried. I felt like I had sold my soul to be accepted into society. I had given up everything that made me who I was just so I can be like someone else. It's depressing man, trust me. Sometimes it's better to just embrace who you are. And that means if you like spending time by yourself, reading manga and drinking coffee, then fuck_society if it dares frown upon you. Great man do not become great by trudging along behind the masses. Homo Sapien could have just continued to walk around bent just to feel normal, but where would we be today? In fact, would you even have Takezo and Otsu if the artist had decided to be "normal" and start bowing to social protocols and peer pressure? Something tells me he probably wasn't really one of the "cool kids" in high school. But he embraced that geeky part of him that loved to read comics, and ended up drawing a few himself. Now, how many lives has he impacted? You have to have the courage to challenge the unspoken rules of society, to swim against the current and be yourself. And I know that somewhere out there is a girl who will accept me for who I am. And I know there is one for you as well. And personally, man, I would rather have someone who knows the nerdy goof I am and still likes me. That way, at least I don't have to put up a fucking facade everytime I spend time with her. Don't try so hard to change yourself. I'm not telling you to stop trying to be more social. Talking to people is an excellent quality. Noone is self-sufficient and sooner or later, you're going to need someone's help. All I am saying is that you shouldn't try. Just act natural. If sitting quietly in the corner and blasting metal on your headphones feels natural, then don't force yourself to do anything other than that. Being quiet does not mean you're an ostracist. It just means you don't have anything in common with anyone around you at that time. Don't force yourself to go talk to someone you have nothing in common with, and end up having a long and boring conversation. And dude, look around. How many people on this website alone (in fact, in our little network of teenagers) do you have a lot in common with? I like reading, philosophy and also have a thing for isolation. @Hardboiled24 even likes manga and martial arts just like you. Talking to us, you don't have to suppress the real you. You can talk about philosophical shit and rest assured that we are actually following your line of reasoning, not looking at you like some sort of boring weirdo. Believe it or not, I actually think you're really cool and your philosophical posts are awesome. Don't trade that in just so you can rack up a few more friends who probably just paste a smile when you're around, then talk shit about you when you're not there. I've had those friends. And long story short, I have no friends anymore. Until I meet someone who's into the goofy stuff I am, I will stay like that. Take a look at The Big Bang Theory for example. Do you think those guys would have coped if they didn't have each other? They suffered through high school and college but remained true to their identities. Then they found each other, creating a little social group where they could be themselves and forget about the frowns they get from society, going to ComicCon, dressing up in nerdy outfits and going to science conventions and symposiums. That's what I want, friends who accept me because they are like me
  22. Day 172 - Social RetardTake this misery, and drown it with my memories So they can never be found Follow the river down, to where the waves breakThat solo fucking RULES!!! The frontman of the band is some sort of super saiyan. He plays guitar like an absolute beast, sings at the same time, writes awesome lyrics and somehow manages to have otherworldly artistic skills and make all the album art! What the fuck!Anyway. Yesterday I had a call with my game quitters accountability partner. I'm generally ok in 1 on 1 conversations like that but fuck I went full retard towards the end! I spend so much time with my mouth shut I just had to spew out all the philosophical crap that accumulates in my head! As you have noticed from the title of this post, I am pretty crap socially. Not a people person. For my entire life I've lived seclusively. I have never been the initiator; the leader; the aggressor. I have always taken a passive role. I find because of this I have managed to prosper in the exploring the realms of my own consciousness. But, I have suffered in the regard that I have never been strong enough to get what I want from people. I still feel lonely; I'm still low on the pecking order. Passiveness disregards strength. And strength is what I need to survive in this world. Both physically and spiritually.I rarely go out to social events. I hate parties. I never go into town and do shit. When I was a kid I had parents to arrange shit for me but now I have to make my own decisions. I don't use social media at all really. I am pretty alienated from the social world and as a result I find it hard to connect with people. When you have nothing to do with them, friendships falter easily. People don't bother asking me to go to stuff with them. They think I'm just a boring guy that sits around at home. I don't think I am boring. Just that other people won't take the time to give me a good look - which is understandable as people tend not to care about other people so much like that.I'm a quiet guy. Everything I do is quiet. My own thing. I climb mountains and I tell no one. I don't like people intruding on what's meaningful to me for some reason. I am quite selfish. The thing is though I don't want to start going out and doing all the things other people like doing just for the sake of making friends. I'm afraid that I'll just be in the tow of my own needy desires doing dumb shit I don't like with dumb people. I want to do my own thing and find people that like to do that thing too. But, part of me thinks that might not be the case. Part of me thinks I am just selfish and have trouble trusting others. Perhaps this is true. There are plenty of people I have encountered who are like minded but I never sought to enhance my relationship with them. I'm scared of rejection. Scared of being a liability.Guys my age are the worst for me though. It's not like I'm bent or anything but I'm a pretty sensitive man. I like to bask in the emotional side of things and speak about them. I like to think deep and discuss. I lust for heart to heart connection with others. But no. At school I can't find any male friends for that. It's like we all have this great big egotistical fog looming over our heads so that we can't get a deeper, more sensitive word in edgewise. Banter is good but it gets stale after a time. Perhaps girls are for this sort of thing more? Their crack is shit but they can listen at least! But, girls are off the cards right now. I can't talk to them for shit!Anyway, I'll try and condense this into some practical tasks which I can use to make myself less of a social outcast. I'll list these in order of difficulty. I'll tackle it like a progression: Schwing's 10 step cure to social retardation Say hello to people you usually talk to when you bump into themTry and initiate conversation by asking random questions and keep it going. Again with familiar people.Compliment people during conversation if there's something you like about them. Sincerely.Slip some deeper subject matter into a conversation.Go out and do something. Places where social interaction is. e.g. school gym, climbing wallSmile at peopleAsk someone you are familiar with if they want to do something. Keep it simple.Post some shit you did on facebook that you enjoyed. Keep it simple. You don't have to be a social media fuckboi if you don't want toRepeat 1 to 7 (ex. 5) but with unfamiliar people. Stick to guys for now.Repeat 1 to 7 (ex. 5) but with girls.Ask girl on a dateWoah now that was pretty autistic of me! Reminds me of sheldon's flow chart to making friends. HAH! Stu the cockatoo isn't new at the zoo this time though. He's just gotta get his shit together already!
  23. Day 168 - Stop being a bitch Well fuck! Today I have concluded more stuff about myself. I am not grounded. I've got my head in the clouds and my hands on my bollocks. If I want the best possible quality of life I have to knuckle down and get shit done. What am I going to do? Go through the motions or fuck the system? I'm going to fuck the system! And fuck it good! Really what does passion mean? Is passion rooted in a craft or is passion a broader emotion that all things in one's life there is joy in encompass? I believe it is the latter. I am too attached to my 'hobbies' like they define me. They don't. I'm not going to be a brain slave. I'm not going to be a soul slave. I will work hard and then take my pay. Art can wait. The necro-fucking-nomicon can wait. Re-reading the entirety of the lord of the rings trilogy can wait. Spending another £100 on CDs and merch can wait. For now I've got martial arts, climbing and my fitness to keep my sanity in check! That's enough. I can't act like I can have everything in life. What do I want in life? I don't know. But I know this: I want to be strong. I am tired of being a sucker. This is my life and I'm going to do something about it. Starting now. Time to stop fiddling with my cock and get my hands in the sweet, sweet pussy of life! Today I was too passive. Let the world shit on me too much. Felt small. Sucked. But then I came home and worked out and I felt so much more grounded and strong afterwards. Realised I wasted a fuck ton on my dumbbell set. Seriously there is a vast amount of bodyweight exercises I can do right now. Strength is what I lust for. I'm not a pebble in the river. I'm a fucking rock! And a big one! I need to be more stoic. I just spent a long time looking into my career plan of engineering. I don't view working for the system as good or bad. It is just a medium for acquiring what I seek. Work hard and play harder Don't buy anything you don't need. Try and get things for as cheap as you can.If you see value in it; jump right in. Opinions of others do not matterYou must condition yourself to be more assertiveRemember to treat your body, mind and soul with equal valueYou must condition yourself to be able to talk to anyoneThink about the delayed gratification of things you doOnce you decide you want to do something remain consistent unless you have a good reasonThink about the utility of the crafts you engage in. "How much value will I get out of this that is applicable to my broader life?". Instant gratification or delayed gratification? Decide and prioritise.Listen to your heart and let your mind lead the way henceforth. They are tailored to these roles.Know your weakness and seek to mitigate its effectsFailing to prepare is preparing to failWhen a sailor sets sail to discover uncharted land he knows only that what he seeks lays on the horizon. It is his duty to navigate through whatever perils lay in his path. I have am learned in the discipline of the soul. But I need to learn the discipline of the mind. Let's do this!