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Everything posted by Pierce

  1. @info-gatherer Dude, glad to hear it! And anytime my man. One of the main lessons I've been learning recently is that a man is most fulfilled when he has lots of responsibility in his life. Having something to fight for puts things into perspective. I'm looking forward to hearing about the changes in your life once the break is over. In the mean time, keep the running up man. It is one of the most cathartic experiences I can think of when in a slump.
  2. @info-gatherer Thanks for the encouragement. You're right that self esteem is the most important part of this quest. I've been absent for a while since I've been building more of it. It's good to be back. Day 15 When my parents got back from the UK I slipped up, and when I did it again I got into the slump of wanting to get my life back together before coming back here. I started researching pen and paper games and isolating myself during the break. Then an old friend spontaneously invited me on a beach trip since they had an extra bed at the condo they rented. We kissed that night and she became the first girl I ever entered into a serious relationship with. Those 7 days at the beach were filled with 7 years worth of life lessons and experiences compared to my normal life. Heck, the last few days back have felt like weeks. She and I are long distance, which has been incredibly painful, but it's also taught us so many things. My final and hardest semester has began and I have been more motivated than ever. I already am looking into cars so I can get a job. I've been studying, taking better care of myself, and becoming more of a man every day. I don't know how often I'll post, since I've gotten so busy, but I do want to periodically speak of my progress. I haven't had cravings for a long time now, and while this motivation is partially externally motivated, I am trying to make it more internal every day. I'm now going to study, but before I do, I just want to say how glad I am that I chose to stick with this path. I am enjoying the struggle and the triumphs of each moment, and am excited about where it takes me.
  3. Stay strong until the holidays end brother. Take this time to rest and recharge so that you will be ready for school. Maybe try a new hobby or read a book you've been putting off for a while. I wish you luck in finding new outlets for social interaction as well.
  4. Day 2 Workout: yes Meditate 20mins Read 30mins Conversations 0 No Electronic Entertainment yes Did well today. Got my paperwork for yesterday's clinical turned in, then studied and worked out with a friend. He also taught me some parkout. I'm utterly exhausted again. Couple things left to do tonight. I also need a social event to go to this week to get my 5 conversations, since I didn't want to count my conversations at the ER yesterday, otherwise I'd have enough for multiple weeks.
  5. Day 1 Workout: no Meditate 20+mins Read 15mins Conversations 0 (+?) No Electronic Entertainment yes Embarrassing I only made it 8 days. I thought on why I slipped up. I worked hard when the house was my own and I was responsible for everything, but when my parents came back I allowed myself to grow slightly lazy, which grew even more. Today I was doing a clinical at the emergency department and worked hard all day, and even though I'm so tired I had to take a half an hour nap just to be able to type this before bed, I feel good. The anime I watched yesterday was very fun, but my life was frozen. I'm ready to move forward. So while I wanted to watch more today, it wasn't difficult to stop myself and push forward.
  6. 8 days. Hmm. 8/4 8/5 Workout: yes yes Meditate 0 0 Read 0 0 Conversations 7 (+2) 7 (+0) No Electronic Entertainment yes no Yesterday I worked frantically to clean the house, wash and clean the cars, get groceries, and prepare dinner for when my parents returned. It felt good to work that hard. Today I let me guard down. Unfortunate.
  7. Day 7 Workout: yes Meditate 0 Read 2mins Conversations 5 (+3) No Electronic Entertainment yes Wow, I can't believe it's been a week. It's gone by quickly. With days a fantastic as today, I can see why. The main event today was going to the park to do firefighter training with my friend. I had bought sand earlier in the day (while at the hardware store I had three fairly detailed conversations w/ employees, thus reaching my social goal), and we used trash bags and duct tape to make the sand into a 30lbs weight that can be used for "rucking", or walking/running with heavy weights in your backpack. We both had sore backs from this, so instead of rucking my friend taught me how to set up the oxygen pack and how to put on all of the firefighter gear quickly. At first it was friendly and instructional, but I made it clear I wanted him to push me, so each time I didn't get under a minute to put on the gear I would have to run with it in the blazing sun. I attempted it many times and it was utterly exhausting, with my best time being 61 seconds (2 away from my goal). My friend was so inspired by my tenacity that he agreed to step up his game as I taught him the medical side of things. I haven't stated this before, mainly due to superfluous embarrassment as this situation is very normal, but I live with my parents as I go through college. They will be back from their UK trip tomorrow, so my goal is to clean the house and their vehicles as a proper welcome home gesture. I bought car soap today, and am excited to get started.
  8. I can see how what I said sounds like marching, but what I'm advocating is very much running. Likely a bad description. Here's a video that makes the technique a bit convoluted, but at least includes demonstrations. Glad you broke through and didn't let excuses get the better of you new habit. That's a very strong foundation for it.
  9. @info-gatherer I've said it before, but it bears repeating: your grasp of the written English language is better than most Americans. Very impressive. Thank you for your words. You're right, and I'll need to be more long-term focused if I'm going to give my mind a fighting chance at rewiring. Days 5 and 6 8/1 8/2 Workout: 10 mins of yoga yes Meditate 10mins 0 Read 20mins 30mins Conversations 2 (+0) 2 (+0) No Electronic Entertainment yes yes *I've realized that by putting x's in the boxes of my goals it looks like I didn't accomplish them, whereas I meant that as a success, so I will edit that above. Yesterday was such an eventful day that I chose to do other tasks instead of posting. I don't regret it. I had my comprehensive final, which allowed me to just barely eek by in my hardest class, cardiology. I'm not proud of that, but the fact that I passed allows me to catch up on it during the break and advance on to the the next level of my training. I also found out that due to an organization I applied to, I get free tuition next semester! Pretty great. I'm surprised more people didn't take advantage of such an offer, but it worked in my favor. That will take some financial burden off of going to fire college. After class I set up the usual weekly DnD session, but as with the three previous weeks most people were unable to come. My friend who was a co-creator of the campaign and another guy from my medic guy showed up. We met at my house and I was glad to have a reason to be disciplined about cooking, so I made a Tex-Mex stir fry. While eating the topic of gaming did come up, and some gaming videos were shown. When I realized what was happening I quickly walked to the kitchen to wash dishes and then took a phone call from another friend. When I came back I advocated we start the game. The friend from school had to leave after a short while, so I suggested my other friend unveil the campaign he'd been thinking of being the Game Master for. It ended up being a fantasy steam punk setting, and with the two of us crafting the narrative as we went along, I probably had more fun than I had in a long time. If I could play DnD more often there would be much less of a temptation for video games. Fortunately I used another trick up my sleeve to replace gaming: exercise. The friend I've training for fire college with and I met up to run and do bodyweight exercises at the park. It was grueling for me since I was the one holding us up from getting the best time we could on the course since I was taking too many breaks doing pushups. We still beat are all time best by two minutes, which shows how rapidly we're improving. After that we ran a very steep hill, and I motivated my friend since he doesn't train hills. We ate and studied at his house, but he had trouble focusing, so we shot the breeze talking about all manner of subjects. I set many goals for myself today and have done very few since I spent so much time hanging out with my friend. I could be upset, but I'm not. Being social is important now that I'm on break. I'd rather do that than be isolated. Besides I still have the next couple of days to complete those goals, since they are flexible, so I'm not worried.
  10. I can empathize with that feeling of urgency, that you will miss out if you don't game now. The whole reason why I'm back here now was because I had access to a gaming computer for a short period of time, and was horrified about the amount of time I spent on it. It'll be difficult, but choosing a new and challenging habit, like running, to fill the void instead is wise. Running is incredibly therapeutic. I don't know if you've ever studied technique, but the Chi Running model helped me: let each step land toe first, keep your back straight and slightly leaned forward, sashay your hips subtly, and pick a location for your gaze to focus on to break your run into smaller chunks. Happy running!
  11. Day 4 Workout: yes Meditate 10mins Read 15mins Conversations 2 (+0) No Electronic Entertainment yes Ran this morning, read some of my speed reading book, spoke on the phone with a couple of friends, and for the rest of the day I've been working on clinical patient care reports. Shouldn't have taken too long, but ADD tripled the time it took. Had bad cravings, and could see why I was so hooked to my vices. Over the excruciating boredom of doing that work anime or video games looked pretty nice. I muscled through it and felt really good putting my signature at the end of those sheets. Wish I had a signet ring so I could fully express how much I felt like a 1600's nobleman sealing documents of great import. Comp final and DnD tomorrow.
  12. @JustTom You're right, very difficult, but ultimately the most direct way towards becoming the man I want to be. As for social, I've noticed those skills have not grown nearly as much as when I went out dancing in the past. Setting this goal will hopefully lead to trying out new events each week to reach it. Day 3 Workout: yes Meditate 20+ mins Read 5mins Conversations 2 No Electronic Entertainment yes I spent all day at the ER today and, hopefully, this will have been my last clinical there. It was a great experience and I had the privileged of being part of a team that saved many lives and increased the quality of life for countless more, but I definitely spent more time there than I would have liked. Today I mainly ran errands for the nurses, extremely helpful for them but not too much for my skills. I did get to do CPR at one point, and further hones ECG placement (which is easy to begin with). I also went out of my way to be charismatic with the nurses, and got to know a dude from my class better who I never had really spoken to before, so I count that as one stranger. Another stranger is a woman I met while walking my dog this morning. Also, I did meditate at times when the nurses didn't have anything for me to do at the ER. At home I planned on running and lifting weights, but fell asleep on the floor for half an hour after giving my cat and dog attention. When I woke up I remembered that integrity is the chief virtue I'm focusing on. I finished lifting weights right before the gym closed and had a great run. Tomorrow I have a lot of school work to do, so I look forward to testing myself with that.
  13. Day 2 I finished Respawn today. What I enjoy most about that book is how it gives a detailed plan for a better life. I'll list my goals for this detox below: For one year I want to quit: Video games, including related websites and videos Anime TV Shows Movies Non-educational YouTube videos I will limit unproductive internet browsing, which has been less of a problem than those listed above The four goals I wrote down in Respawn I want to focus on to fill that void for the next semester represent the four spheres of my life: physical, emotional, spiritual, and social. They use the SMDA Goals acronym: Specific, Measurable, Deadlines, Accountability. I have the deadline set for February 4th, which is when Fire College begins. So I have this short break and my last semester of paramedic to get there. If I don't meet these goals, it isn't the end of the world, but they are important. Physical: S- work out at least 30 minutes daily. M- reps and run times written down on notepad. D- become fit enough to heavily exceed fire college standards by February 4th. A- I will chart whether I met the goal in my journal. Mental: S- read 30 minutes daily using speed reading and note taking techniques. M- mark down how long I’ve read each day. D- have built the habit of regularly reading, using speed reading technique and taking notes by February 4th. A- I will post my reading times on in my public journal. Spiritual: S- meditate at least 20 minutes daily. M- I will write down how many minutes I have meditated and whether I have succeeded. D- to comfortable be able to meditate for an hour by February 4th. A- times will be public in journal. Social: S- have a conversation with at least 5 strangers each day. M- I will chart how many I have met each week, with the week beginning each Monday. D- be confident enough to approach women to ask for phone numbers by February 4th. A- I will make my chart public on my journal. I will list these goals like this under my day counter in the future. The conversations counter resets each Monday. It will be listed like this: Workout: yes Meditate 10 mins Read 5 mins Conversations 0 No Electronic Entertainment yes As for my day, I had a good run this morning, spoke with my grandparents over the phone, and had a friend over. I'm very excited about the next year.
  14. @Cam Adair As always, thanks for the kind words. Respawn has been great. Even for someone who has studied a lot of self help, I find it incredibly useful for how it is very intentional in having you apply the lessons rather than having them sit in your brain. It's written in a way that can be approached by just about anyone, which a laudable feat. Day 1 Last night a friend rang my doorbell at 4am and it scared the living daylights out of me. He needed some help and a place to sleep for a bit since he was so tired, and once I woke up I was actually happy to have the company. I've been watching to house while my parents are on a trip to the UK, so it can get lonely. I was going to use playing the Witcher to fill that void, but it only masked it. Today I felt that loneliness, and did reach out to friends some, but tomorrow I will be more proactive and read at the library down the street and then meet with another friend later. Outside of being at home all day, I enjoyed day one of freedom. I had a fantastic work out in the morning. I lifted weights and then ran three miles. I made sure to run without a shirt as a test of self-confidence, and building a tan was an added bonus. I did watch some youtube, unfortunately, but the videos were by self help guys: Thomas Frank, Jordan Peterson, etc. That did cost me some time, but I still got 5/7's of the way through Respawn. I did the exercises as I went along, and the hardest one was getting rid of my account with the Witcher on it. I bet my subconscious was banking on me failing again so it could bathe in the dopamine of playing it once more. I'll finish it tomorrow. I know I'm reading through it quickly, but I'd rather do that and reread it multiple times total at a later date, than read it once over a long period of time. It has been incredibly helpful already, and while part of me is skeptical this is the time I'll truly quit since I have been an unwilling servant to this vice for the past seven years, another part of me believes that this is the time I earn my freedom. My biggest step for being happy in life with this crutch gone is being more social. I've been thinking of events I can go to. There's a local meditation center, and it would be good to regularly attend that. I also want to start dating again, so going out dancing with friends would serve a double purpose of hanging out and meeting women. At the very least it would help in sharpening skills that have always lay rusty, i.e approaching with confidence. Tomorrow I'm going to work on implementing the four daily habits Cam suggested, and on using the pomodoro technique to avoid wasting time on the internet. I also postponed the lesson on filling up the free spots on my calendar, as I need to look up more events in my area. With all of this mental scurrying around, I can still honestly say: life is good.
  15. Long time no see, my friend. Glad to see you're still around, working towards your aspirations. When I knew I needed to leave my last university because my gpa was becoming to low to realistically continue with the pre-medical track, I looked at my government's bureau of labor statistics website for job ideas. It had information on future job growth percentage, wages, and educational requirements for each profession. That really helped me pick a career I was both interested in and had enormous job growth (paramedic/firefighter). Here's the U.S. version: https://www.bls.gov/ooh/
  16. Incredibly late response, but for some sake of continuity I will reply to the posts above. I always appreciate the feedback guys. @info-gatherer I actually learned how to do a needle cricothyrotomy recently, and hope I'll never have to do anything more invasive to the throat than that, haha. It's scary that a sizeable percentage of people die from paramedics doing a technique wrong or giving the wrong med, that would have survived if left without any help. That's why I avoid hollywood style. @BigOlBeartic The heroic struggles of others can be one of the biggest motivators. That's something that manga and anime capture very well. As for the test, they did regrade it for me, and apparently I just barely missed the mark again. It's been a long time. In fact, it's been almost exactly one semester since I last posted, having taken my finals yesterday. My justification for not posting was that I wanted to come back when I was serious. I didn't want to keep on posting about how I failed every few days. I wanted to have some momentum behind me. I wasn't able to get it. It's been another semester where I put a lackluster effort towards school and my personal goals. This brought me back to a dark place quite a few times, and even more so recently. On a positive note, some good things have happened. I've been training with a friend at least once a week for the Fire College, which I plan on attending in the Spring. It will basically be bootcamp for firefighting, so I help him with running and he's been helping me with bodyweight exercises (i.e. pushups). I've also been helping him study for the medical side of things. Another positive has been running a homebrew Star Wars version of Dungeons and Dragons as the Game Master.That's been a great way to socialize every week, and has given me a non-gaming alternative to work on in my spare time. So the last thing I want to touch on is why I came back to the forums before I accomplished the plan I stated above. Foremost, the lack luster results had been scaring me. When I work as a paramedic I want to be able to treat my patient with the same level of competency that I would hope my friends and relatives would receive if they called 911. I've learned a lot, but there are some key points that need a lot of reinforcing between now and when I graduate next Fall. Furthermore, I recently planned out my remaining pre-med courses for my bachelor's degree, and I definitely don't want to go back there until I've built a productive lifestyle conducive of getting straight A's. So a few days ago I had bought a game for the first time in a year or two, and had been playing it a lot. It was the first of the Witcher series, and in it my character meditated, read books, socialized, and faced his problems head on. Whenever I took a break from playing I saw how he was living the life I wanted, and he was leeching my very life force (time) to do it. This is my life. Those are pixels. So I was enraged by this. And yet I was still playing. So I kept on going until about an hour and a half ago when I was tempted to buy and download another game. Part of me knew this was a terrible idea. So I resisted and resisted and eventually realized it would be far better if I used that money for a better cause and quit gaming. So I bought Respawn and will read it tomorrow. It feels good to be back, and I am optimistic about the future.
  17. Electronic Entertainment today: None Electronic Entertainment yestertoday: All day >=( Yesterday I was having trouble pushing myself to get out of bed, so I promised to look at my test scores from the previous day first thing. I pulled up the website and slowly scrolled through the page: "We're sorry, but you're attempt was unsuccessful". I was in disbelief. Almost $400 in test fees and study materials, four months of studying, three attempts, and I still failed. The rest of the day I was a little depressed, yes, but more than anything I had just lost faith in myself. I didn't even care anymore, so even though I had a final the next day (today) and a whole bunch of quizzes due before class, I watched anime all day. I'm not justifying watching it, just stating a fact: watching it was unhealthy and numbing, but conflicts contained in the stories breathed life back into me. Characters being beat by challenges far more difficult than mine, losing far more, training far harder, and still persevering. I stayed up late bingeing, and finally I started on my quiz and completed them. I woke up the next day (today) with only five hours of sleep. I felt ok, though. I studied for an hour and a half and went to class. The majority of my pharmacology final was surprisingly easy for me, though the more specific questions I mostly had to guess on. After that I found out from my clinical coordinator that I would need to go to one more ER shift, and would need 13 more IV's or else I would need to get the rest at another shift. That was a lot, but I need to work on my IV's badly, so I saw the silver lining. It's a chance to train and get better. After lunch the EMT basics who were duel-enrolling came by to train with us. Teaching them and running them through scenarios showed me how much I've learned over the past year about medicine. It's pretty incredible. As I hit obstacles I grow. A new set of them still stands before me. Step by step, they'll whittle down.
  18. Good job on the final! I had one of those days thursday too. Decided not to post at all. Glad you're hanging in there.
  19. Electronic Entertainment today: one episode of anime Today I had rescheduled a big certification exam at noon. It was for an Advanced EMT license that would allow me to run low-end emergency calls. I say rescheduled because this was my third time taking it. I studied for two months since the last one, so I knew I was ready. I slept in for two hours and was worried I wouldn't keep up my morning workout streak. I worked on a long online quiz for one of my classes and that gave me just enough momentum to go to the gym. After weights and running I got around and put on a set of dress clothes so I would look and feel my best for the test. It was a long one and my ADD kicked in after the first 20 minutes, but I feel really good about it. The questions are randomized each attempt, and this test I finally feel like I was given questions based on what I learned in my AEMT class last semester. When I got home I made myself a big bowl of popcorn to celebrate. I wanted to work on another quiz, but kept on getting set back by little things like needing to make salads for dinner for the family. Once I got all of those done I checked my email and found out the personnel board for the fire department sent me a date to take their written test next month. If I pass that I'll take the physical fitness one. With the amount of preparation I've put into both they should be a joke. My emergency medicine curriculum is far more difficult. While I was reading through the requirements I decided to check an old instant messaging app I used a lot in the past to see if I had any new messages piled up. I had one from a month ago from an old friend apologizing about how our friendship ended on such a bitter note in the past (long story). It was really therapeutic to read that and I sent a sympathetic response. After dinner I took the quiz, like planned, and then looked for my lucky pen. I had it all day and even stopped my car before leaving for the exam just to run back in the house and put it in my pocket. Somehow while decompressing at home it fell out of my pocket. I looked everywhere and finally found out that the dog was sleeping on it, haha. It helped in resisting urges that started cropping up at the end of the day, but they were becoming intense. The new season of Tokyo Ghoul is coming out with new episodes every wednesday, so I caved and decided to check out the new one tonight. I'm just glad it didn't take up too much time and I washed dishes for the first half of it. I'm going to read and go to bed now, because I have a lot of studying and a few more online quizzes to go tomorrow.
  20. Awesome! Glad you've gone through the most difficult part: going for the first time. Looks like you did it right, doing research beforehand and pushing yourself to improve your technique once in the water. Also, great to hear that you were happy with your shirtless image. Proud of you man. Here's a tip to help with your breathing: exhale while your head is underwater so you only have to worry about inhaling when you rotate your head above water. Doing both in that brief moment is miserable. Also, try experimenting with how many strokes until you breathe. When you breathe an odd number of strokes (three is a good starting point) you'll be gold, because each three stokes you'll breathe on the opposite direction which will keep you swimming straight. Odd to hear about the skin condition; could be an allergic reaction to the chlorine. As for the hair, if I understand correctly, similar things happened to me. Some of my buddies on the swim team would have green tinted hair for the chlorine, and for me it acted as a sort of hair gel making it one solid mass. Taking showers at the pool after swimming helped.
  21. @BigOlBeartic That corny song lyric mirrors similar sayings that have been passed down from warrior traditions for thousands of years. It still stands today. I appreciate your optimism and am glad you feel comfortable enough to be open with us all here. It means a lot. Electronic entertainment today: some anime at night My most valuable possession is a 2 cent gray Bic pen. Let me explain. One day when I went hiking I forgot to bring a pen to mark the path I would go down on my map. I was very frustrated, but was finally able to get one for free from a nearby gift shop. I told myself that this was a valuable reminder to stay focused in life. As time passed I put it in the medical bag I keep in the trunk of my dad's car to act as a reliable spare. This morning I retrieved it and put a piece of clear tape on it. On the tape I wrote in sharpie pen, "Nindo: Believe". Nindo is the Japanese word for one's creed among the shinobi. This creed would differ wildly from person to person, and I had an important one. My creed is to always believe in myself. The times I fail are when I lose sight of my inner strength and begin to feel like a frail and impulsive child again. I did a set of hill sprints this morning and then had a very productive class. I caught up on many online quizzes and studied some pharmacology. When I got home I continued to study, helped cook dinner, and texted/called friends I had been ignoring since last week. After doing all of that I started having urges to game and watch shows on my laptop. I tried to fight it using sheer willpower, but I knew I was going to lose. Reading, writing, and listening to music didn't help that much. I then desperately looked for my pen, but realized I misplaced it once I changed out of my school uniform. So I caved. I started watching a lot of anime again. And then I knew I couldn't afford to be doing this, so I redoubled my efforts and looked all through my house for that darn pen. I checked every place at least three times. I became so angry that in my head I shouted, "I'd rather die than lose this pen!" I walked a few steps over to the couch and picked up a blanket to have the pen fall out of it. I'm not a superstitious person, but I want to believe that the universe was looking out for me. A hint at a higher purpose. I'm keeping this pen in my lap even as I type. It is my reminder that I am strong.
  22. Electronic entertainment today: lots. Flash games and anime. Since I work for the ambulance service we have semi-yearly protocol updates that are mandatory to attend. I chose the one today since it worked best for my schedule. This led me to working out early in the morning. I pushed myself when lifting weights, and during my run afterwards I ran with intensity since I had a timeline. I felt great when I put on my uniform and got in the car. I was lost finding the meeting place since I had never been to this base before, and made it just before they started. They introduced a few new paramedic level drugs being added to the arsenal, and spoke of new regulations on who can be entered into the trauma system. I couldn't believe how much I had gotten done before 11am. I cooked a big, nutritious lunch, then settled in to read my book about the Iraq/Afghan wars. I read it for quite a while until I fell asleep on the floor. When I woke up I read a little bit more, and thought of getting to work. This thought triggered stress, and I started thinking it would be better to go to games or anime. It was in that moment that I looked back on the seven year fight I've been trying quit, and realize that the reason it's still going on is that ultimately I don't want to give up my crutch. So the rest of the day I spent in front of a screen. I'm introspecting further on how I feel about this.
  23. @JustTom Good point. We frame our realities. I remember a story from a friend who would sing as he ran on the treadmill at his gym. One day someone else ran next to him and he felt too self-conscious to do it. It took him a few hours longer in his day before he felt the energized and happy state he usually began in. I appreciate the advice and will see how applying it goes. @BigOlBeartic I hope your speech class really boosted your confidence. It's a good skill. And I have to agree that some of the characters were bland in Parasyte. There was so much going on in the plot that the writers didn't flesh all of them out properly. @Dannigan You hit the nail on the head. Being very introverted leads to closing the metaphorical gates to the castle and not letting visitors back in until all repairs have been made. I'm choosing to enjoy this solitude. I'll follow your insights and be sure to meet up with other people only after finals are done and my work situation has cleared up. Thanks, and enjoy your vacation for one. Electronic entertainment today: Spent less than 10 mins on game related sites, and finished a movie with my dad. It's been a very rainy day. I ran early in preparation for that, which was a fantastic energy boost. I've taken one online quiz for school and plan to take one more after this. When I finished the first quiz I wanted to wander off into the darkness of the internet, but decided to start writing instead. I've had a work of fiction in my head for a while and it was fun rattling out it's first page. Once the rain started getting really bad I decided that I wanted to run down to the library that my dad works out to check out a book and further stave off watching anime. In the torrential rainfall I ran down there and looked like a wet rat when I arrived. I zipped up my jacket, rolled up my sleeves, and changed my appearance into more of a hipster to offset the soaked look. I spoke with one of my dad's coworkers for a while about books and other miscellaneous things, which was much needed social interaction. My dad found me and messed with me for a little bit, and I decided to ride home with him so my books wouldn't get wet. I skimmed through one of them right there in the library, about how adults can handle ADHD. It was pretty unhelpful, but more than anything it was a good reminder that I should be more cognizant of the fact that I never really got rid of the ADD I had as a kid. The other book I got was on the Iraq and Afghanistan wars from a US diplomat's perspective. He's an excellent writer and I spent much of the afternoon on that. When I got home my dad and I enjoyed finishing Bladerunner 2020 from last night. I decided to do a few things for work tomorrow and wednesday.
  24. Embrace the shirtlessness. In fact, flex in the mirror before you jump in the pool. I can tell you first-hand that this is a trick that will help your self-image. Growing to love your image is an added bonus for the swimming route and I'm excited to hear how it goes!
  25. @info-gatherer Sounds like you enjoy getting to know people better is what you enjoy about casual conversation. I'm at a point in my life where I'm skeptical about meeting new people, so maybe that's why I've been just trying to avoid people altogether. I'm still not at the point where I can convince myself it's the wrong strategy. I really didn't want to post here today. I've been in a state of just screwing around the past few days. I enjoy more productive things, but they are expensive and their currency is one I've been low on: energy. I've been devoting what energy I have to working out at least every other day and getting last minute school work done. Some things I'm trying to think through: -What I should do to make this detox actually work. -Whether my paring down of social activities is productive or toxic. I guess it's from feeling like I'm in emergency mode and just don't want to deal with other people right now. -How I'm going to start pushing myself to get this last stretch of studying/school work done for the end of the semester. -Whether I should keep my job or not (I haven't chosen to take on a shift in a month). It's not furthering my medical skills like I thought it would and it's often aggravating, but it does give structure when I go in. I'm thinking of finding a way so that I can start running emergency calls and sharpen my skills. That first thought bears the most merit for this journal. I lose all confidence in myself when I am stuck in a state of weakness like this. The only time I feel strong anymore is when I'm working out, and I can only find the energy to do that once I day. I can envision a stronger version of myself, and even though I don't believe in me I believe in him. I can't quit on him. Edit: I hate ending anything on a negative note. I know I'm going to create a reputation for myself of being a giant otaku (japanese word for obsessive youngster, usually derogatory) bringing up an anime example again, but it's all I've got right now. The show Yuri on Ice is about a Japanese figure skater that is very talented, but fails because he has no confidence in himself. The champion skater of his division takes notice of him and decides to coach him for a year. Through his training and encouragement the protagonist blossoms into a formidable skater. This is a lesson worth learning.