NEW VIDEO: I Quit MMOs and THIS Happened
jade_
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Posts posted by jade_
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On 7/17/2022 at 7:29 PM, LostRiver said:
This weekend I have been clean but I watched a lot of stuffs on Youtube with my phone. It hits me after I woke up: now sober, I begin so see all the mistakes that I made while being addicted, all the people I hurt, all the missed opportunities.
And it hurt me immensely that almost everything I did "under the influence" was so wrong. Plus I am so scared to try again/ keep on working on things.
I do not want to go back to being an addict but I have no idea how I can fix my life and make a better future for myself.
I suppose for now I just keep to the AA saying of "One day at a time". Also I will go back to check on Cam's materials.
I relate to you on the not knowing how to not be an addict. Quitting gaming and other addictive things, and then forging a new set of routines and habits is like getting a whole new identity. Right now, I'm doing the same thing as you - one day at a time - trusting that I'll slowly work out who I want to be and where I want to place my energy.
I also notice I have regrets about time wasted and a lot of missed out on growth. And this feeling of, "now I gotta face the real world without my escape pod".
One thing that's really helped is picking up guitar as a hobby. I've played here and there in the past but since quitting gaming it's been almost daily with lots of long sessions. It's been such a good outlet for when I need to focus on something separate to myself and for getting that sense of progression that games gave me, albeit at a much slower and sometimes frustrating rate.
So I hope you have something or can find something to put some of your newfound energy and time into that feels satisfying for you.-
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Hey Lemynaded, awesome that you're quitting and wanting to make better use of your time.
It sounds like a full-on detox doing gaming and social media at the same time. I would struggle. Netflix has definitely been a crutch on my journey so far.
I also haven't worked out how to use the 'days counter' thing.
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Day 37 game free
It was my uncle's funeral yesterday. I honestly really enjoyed it - asides from my uncle's passing. It was a beautiful funeral and I saw a lot of family I hadn't seen in awhile and it was amazing to have everyone together. I haven't been to a funeral in 5+ years and before that it wasn't someone significant in my life or to my family. So experiencing and witnessing how death affects me and my family is new.
Put simply, yesterday was a high in many ways - it felt like he was brought back to life by the stories people told of him and because hundreds showed up to say goodbye. Today has been a real low. I've been thinking a lot about his kids and wondering how they'd be feeling today. The reality of his death is sitting with me, knowing that we'll never celebrate him like that again and there won't be any new stories of him.
And this is all in the context of me struggling with not gaming a bit. Losing some momentum in myself. Feeling a bit burned out. Trying to work today (phone counseling) was too difficult. I had to tell my manager that I needed the day off. I didn't have the emotional space or energy to hold others. I did do two great long calls in the morning where the people were really appreciative. I'm proud of that.
Anyways, I'm pretty grouchy today all round. Noticing myself being reactive towards my partner. She is understanding and supportive, though.
New commitment for the next 7 days is no searching or watching porn.
I've only missed one day of meditation in around 2 weeks which is also awesome.
Writing this has helped. It's reminded me that my reactions make sense and that I'm actually doing really well considering the challenging circumstances.
Also, thanks for your replies and support. It helps.-
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Day 34 game free
In the last week I think I've watched one 25 min YouTube video that was game related. I also played Tetris online for 5 mins while finishing up work. It was kind of an old habit at the end of my shift when there was nothing to do. I felt so bored by it.
Today is hard, though. I was meant to see a friend but they're still infectious with Covid so I couldn't see them. Usually it wouldn't be such a bummer but I haven't seen many friends lately. And I'm realising now that a lot of the regular contact I had with one or two of my close friends was through games. Since quitting games I actually haven't hung out with a friend one-on-one but I have been to some social gatherings.
I've spent a good chunk of time with my partner lately which has been good but I can also get triggered spending heaps of time with my partner as I'm not used to it fully. Only been living together about 6 months and I'm someone who has needed a lot of alone time from everyone.
What I'm mainly trying to say is I feel in a bit of a bind. On the one hand I like my alone time and am used to spending so much time alone because of all the games I played. On the other hand I don't game anymore so the amount of time I have to myself is a LOT. And I like spending time with my partner up to a point and then I need my own life. But lately seeing friends has proved difficult. I even find myself having this anger when I think about my friends. I think maybe it's a reaction to quitting games (and limiting my time on distracting websites) while they haven't. I feel like I'm changing.. I'm worried I won't relate with them in the same way anymore.
In general, the decision has been great and I don't want to game. I do have this feeling of emptiness with me at the moment. Meditation has really helped, reading has really helped, spending time with my partner has really helped. But I notice on some days this desire for stimulation. My mind is so firm on not gaming that it often comes out as a desire to watch porn. To escape and let my brain soak in the pleasure. I did watch a bit of porn in the last week and masturbated a bit. I haven't gone the full way with porn for at least a week. Today I am feeling the pull. I'm going to stay strong, though. I think beating the desire for porn is really key to my recovery, as every time I watch porn it gives me that superficial high and then my brain wants more. I need to starve the desire basically, and let my brain reset. Already so much resetting has occurred through not gaming. I've been more disciplined in the past week then I have in over a year. Meditation daily, stretches, organising, focus at work, thinking about what important tasks I need to do etc. Also showing up to my dance class more consistently and with greater presence.
Feels good to write. It's been a rough day so far and I have my uncle's funeral to go to tomorrow, so there's a bit of heaviness afoot. Hopefully some meditation and some movement can help.
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26 days (mostly) game free
Since my last post I've not played any games, nor watched any porn. I did watch around 45 mins Super Smash game play on YouTube the other day. Asides from that the streak has been very clean. I've meditated 15 mins 4 of the last 5 days, and also done light stretches afterwards which has been great for my stiff legs. It's been good to sit on the floor and also to address my lower body. As gamers, I think we often forget that we have thighs, calves and feet that all need attention and care.
But today has been really hard. I do traditional Indian dance class, been doing it around 2 years, and the last few months I've only made it to a scattered amount of classes. A lotta reasons for that. I'm trying to get back into the habit though and quitting gaming is helping. Today at class I got very kindly slaughtered by my dance teacher on how far behind I am to where I should be. It hurt. Learning dance is already something I struggle with as it's so far outside my comfort zone - which is one of reasons I started. It really brought up some feelings of inadequacy today. My teacher was very kind but also very clearly demonstrated that I need to put in more effort to make it to class and to work on things and think about dance outside of class. By the end of the class I was happy I made it through and happy to get out of there.
When I got back today I had this pretty big urge to game. It didn't help that I turned on my PC for the first time since I quit to put my Kindle on charge. I didn't do it though. I turned off my PC. I hadn't felt an urge like that since I started. What I started thinking was how when I play games and I'm learning and winning it feels so good sometimes. It gives me that sense of being adequate and thriving. It kind of made up for the parts where I wasn't. And I often played games after dance class. So today I didn't have that backup, and I've been feeling pretty tender since.
I'm also navigating some thoughts and criticisms of my partner that are coming up and tomorrow is the first day I'll be seeing all my family since my uncle died. So a few things going on. I just did some meditation and stretches though and going to watch a movie and have some cuddles with my partner which will hopefully be gentle and restful. Feels good to post too.
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23 days mostly game free
Mostly because I played some Super Smash alone for short periods twice, which was in part testing my new TV for friends coming over. I had 2 nights in the last week where friends came over and we played socially. Which were really fun. It definitely stimulated that part of my brain that loves games and I found myself thinking about Super Smash and also I watched probably 2 hours of YouTube over the last 3 days which was gaming related. Asides from that though, I haven't opened Twitch for 23 days, nor have I turned on my PC. On the Sunday past I felt tempted but it wasn't near strong enough to get past my resolve to live differently and the memories of what it was like to have so much of my time and attention disappear.
I feel like in the last week the absence of gaming has been very noticeable in deeper and subtler ways. I haven't watched porn in 3 days which is in part because my partner is back from a long trip and because I'm consciously trying to avoid it.
My uncle died on unexpectedly on Sunday as well. I'm still processing that. I have 6 uncles and two aunties and he is the first to pass. After I found out in the evening I had a dream of his son and some of my cousins playing a guitar solo together to honour his death. Since then the realisation and implications of his death has come in waves. Yesterday I took some time off work. I called my dad and my mum and spoke with them about it. It was my dad's brother and he seems to be doing OK with it; he's also slowly processing and also in shock.
I said earlier that the absence of gaming has been very noticeable in subtler and deep ways. I'm not even sure what I mean by that. It just feels like it's not there, and that feeling is sometimes mild and almost unnoticeable and at other times obvious but surreal. Which is actually quite analogous to the feeling of losing my uncle. My emotions feel thicker and seem to last longer. I'm kind of flat and irritated at times. I still find. myself confused at what to do with my time. And I feel like this is only the beginning. Because gaming still feels like a part of me and my consciousness. I can easily fantasise and imagine what it would be like to game. I can still practice how to play games mentally - something which improved my skill in games a lot. I do it for guitar as well. So I'm very curious how my brain and the places my mind wander will change over the next few months of not gaming. I feel almost terrified writing that sentence. It's like taking the safety off, or making a jump without a parachute.
I meditated yesterday. That felt good. Pretty much after the first week of quitting I had a daily impulse to meditate but I kept resisting it or finding reasons not to follow through. But yesterday I did it and it made me hungry for more. It also showed me how stiff and sore parts of my back and legs were, which was good inspiration to keep practicing sitting on the floor and working on my posture.
So.. to continued progress and healing. I hope things feel a little easier and flowing over the next few days, as I feel fragile and like I could breakdown right now.
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My second update:
13 days game free - still working on my other habits
The not gaming is continuing to be a successful decision and experiment. I really haven't struggled that much with urges for gaming because the last few months I had such a consistent experience of not enjoying the gaming, or feeling really dissatisfied and empty afterwards.
But the porn usage has been harder to kick. I've had some days off it but mostly been watching. Surprisingly though, despite the porn usage increase and watching more Netflix, I still feel a lot better than when I was gaming. I think there's something to be said about diversifying bad habits, and also perhaps actually enjoying the guilty pleasures. For example, I've been really enjoying the story and excitement of the Netflix show and I'm not ashamed to say I've also really enjoyed the pornography (well maybe there's a little bit of shame there). I used to feel a lot of guilt about it. But that never really helped me. And I guess I don't watch any hardcore stuff whatsoever, and have always been pretty clean and had standards for what I watch.
That doesn't make it healthy for me though, and I am working towards cutting down the usage, and more generally towards bringing more healthy habit replacements in. I did some great cleaning and cooking today, and i've got a night shift this evening, and day shifts through Thursday. The next few days will be focused on eating well, doing some stretches each day, cutting out porn, and sleeping better.
I also plan for my next update to be sooner.
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On 6/22/2022 at 2:15 AM, Amphibian220 said:
Welcome to the forum!
Some tips on the detox,
walking long distances and fasting will control desires in an excellent way. Walking burns excess carbohydrates and takes away the need for a bad habit. It also makes me sober and focused.
I also control snacks intake. When you can control your diet, you start to become the master of your habits.
Thanks Amphibian.
That does make some sense to me. I have thought a lot about walking more. It's a cold winter down here in Melbourne, Australia at the moment, so it's harder to get up early and get out.I have definitely been snacking more since stopping video games, something to watch out for.
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I'm new here but not new to the process of trying to quit things.
For years it's been porn that I've been trying to quit. I still am but generally I use it much less than I used to.
Right now it's gaming. A decision that has been a very long time coming. For background reference, I'm 28 years old, male, living in Australia. I started playing games when I was 5 on a Gameboy. From then until now it has been my most regular hobby. All throughout my teenage years it was what I woke up with on a Saturday and what I did when I got home from school.
I'm on Day 7 now of no gaming and no watching Twitch.
It's been so far not that difficult with the gaming, especially days 1-3 I felt a lot of motivation and very empowered in my decision.
The issue I'm facing is that since the night of Day 3 or 4, I've been using porn daily, something which I hadn't done in a long time. I can really feel the lack of dopamine in my brain due to not gaming and not watching Twitch. I realise now I was probably on average gaming 2 hrs per day, and then watching 4-6hrs of streams, depending on the day - generally late into the night, too. So bedtime is when things are hardest as my body and brain are expecting to sit back and let the pleasure and entertainment roll in.
When I was watching streams and I had an urge to watch porn it was easier to ignore that urge and focus on the streams. Now when I have the urge it's full-on and I seem to just do it. I'm reminded of the mice who keep pressing the lever for more cocaine. So tonight I'm going to plug my phone in away from the bed and have my book at the ready. In the past when I was dealing with porn I also used to do headstands or something physical to distract myself, so I might try doing that again before bed. I find headstands really flush all the blood from the bottom of the body upwards, and that seems to make the physical desire to watch porn dissipate.
Despite this new challenge I'm facing now that I've stopped gaming I am really proud of myself for not gaming, and I've noticed a difference in how I am and where my mind goes in my downtime. I've been playing much more guitar, reading more and also writing. I've also been thinking about how I can write in a way that might get published or might be useful on a blog for others to engage with. I'm noticing the clutter around me in my bedroom and I have a desire to clean things up and straighten it out - I haven't acted on it yet though, ha!
I'll leave it here for today, with some little reminders.Tonight:
- No watching of pornography
- Stretches and a headstand before I get into bed
- Phone on charge away from my bed on my the far end of my desk
- Kindle at my bedside for reading-
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Good luck notKosmic.
I agree that trying to go cold turkey on both might be really challenging and focusing on the gaming would be a great start.I hope this is a good week for you.
Do more thought-provoking and intellectual games have the same effect?
in Ask the Community
Posted · Edited by blueclouds
I agree with Paul in it being very much about the person's individual relationship with video gaming. The same can be said for pornography, social media, smoking cannabis etc. And similar to what you're talking about in your post OP, people can choose to watch pornography that isn't intensely graphic, and that takes into account a female perspective for example. Or social media which is educational and life-affirming.
I know there are people out there who would say these things are still inherently bad for you or a waste of time, regardless of how you use them or the "genre" of use that you choose. And hey, they might be right in many cases. Personally though I think that's for each of us to decide and requires ongoing and honest reflection on how it's working for us.
This part of your post stood out to me though.
I think if it takes up so much time that there are little other hobbies in your life, or if it consistently takes time away from spending quality time with people in your life then it can be an issue. But one that could be solved by choosing to spend more time doing other things and breaking up the sessions.