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Suns

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Everything posted by Suns

  1. Tue Aug 3rd Today was a little different mostly sadness mostly thoughts of inadequacy old familiar thoughts of not being good enough for anyone that I have a sexual attraction to or even remotely interested in .. yeah...... The main things that changed is I didn't start the day with my usual morning routine and not as much sleep and masterbation always leaves me feeling a little icky. I dunno man I'm used to being this insecure and it's probably part of what I wanted to avoid by gaming.... no matter what I said or did I was never good enough for a woman I am attracted to she can always do better and more successful. I did however give away my nintendo switch and deleted or am In process of deleting my steam account waiting for it to finalize but I did Uninstaller all games. I'm going to miss grinding out my characters in dead by daylight also building up my Feng min she was Bae I even bought a skin for her I liked it was nice and it was fun to level up many characters for many perks while I let my runescape account afk in the background. I had many a fun time on dark souls 3 playing my oc Suzie suns. My pyromancer my tank and everything inbetween. It's a little bittersweet to think I'm never going back but yeah I think 28 years is long enough for gaming it really was fun but I've hit my limit and I can't go any higher in life if I don't let the dead weight fall. 🙂
  2. Day 2 August 2nd 2021 I was surprised by the effect not playing videogames had on me making the firmish decision to not play videogames really freed up much mental bandwidth today. I was far more sociable with friends at work. I was more upfront and honest with coworkers and higher ups about why I decided to quit playing videogames and the fact that I quit. Some thought it was silly others supported it happily it was amusing to hear. I am a little scared though will I be able to keep this up. I was very anxious and angry and agitated today I felt alot of aggression and sexual energy throughout the day and the mental fog was gone most of the day I wasn't feeling shameful of words I was saying or things I was thinking. Overall a very positive first day experience but as I stated above I'm scared that it won't last or that I'll find a reason to go back. Within the week I'm giving away my ps4 and nintendo switch that will leave me with my gaming laptop which I don't want to get rid of as it's a solid productivity laptop as well. So if I decided to continue learning about 3d animation and programming I have that. I'm just worried about relapsing with it. I don't know I see how important building a new social group is while going down this endeavor as of Sunday my first day of not gaming I laid in bed all day and watched YouTube and went to bed far earlier than usual. I just felt sad all day and then today it was more aggressive emotions. I'd like to get into new things I'm just worried I won't commit to this. However my mindset is if I didn't need to feel these things I wouldn't This is simply life's way of giving me what I need and not what I want.
  3. Suns

    My diary

    It sounds like you are using videogames as a way of not dealing with issues in your relationship I had a coach that was big on being honest with people. His reasonings the more shameful we feel about something the more we feel the need to hide ourselves. If you are avoiding honesty with your gf because you don't think it's going to go anywhere with her why do you feel the need to be dating this person in the first place? If you are afraid of appearing weak that's more of a reason to tell her. If a women thinks you're weak for struggling that's a her problem not a you problem. Besides many women when they complain about their SO not communicating this is what they are talking about. I'll leave with one last thing. What sounds like more of a respectable action to you? Telling a woman something you know might make her reject you or find you unattractive but you do it any ways because of your own integrity and well being is important to you over what others think. Or hiding something that's causing you harm in order to avoid losing her respect.
  4. Day # 1 August 1st sunday Gratitude journal I'm grateful for my anger I feel right now it's overwhelming and I feel incredibly scattered I probably need to feel this right now. One amazing thing that happened/I did today quitting gaming Workout/run Meditation Visualisation Daily affirmation Reading + taking notes Getting to bed before 9pm I did that Weekly Goal(s) Monthly Goal 3 Month Goal What went well today: What I could have done to make my day better: Make a plan for the week write out some goals do some planning programs for my new future reconnect with myself internally What I will do differently tomorrow: those things stated above make some goals do my future authoring program by Jordan peterson
  5. Hey im Elijah as of Sunday august 1st 2021 ive decided to quit videogames cold turkey. I've needed this for a while but could really do as I was using gaming as a way to cope with my time in the military. While I'm still in the military it was really upsetting when I went to our rec center and the lady was asking me questions about what I enjoy doing and I couldn't give an honest answer about enjoying anything other than gaming. I realized it wasn't that I didn't try anything or do anything else it's just nothing compared to the high and emotional repression gaming gives me so it dominated my time. I decided to use that moment as a wake up call. I felt like mob from mob psycho 100 when ever he was asked if he had any hobbies or ambitions. For a comparison lol. I'm excited and I feel the first thing is to get my mindset right. Looking forward to the journey.