Yeah its like you give up hope in urself. I know that maelstrom too well. It becomes too painful that you failed and then you have to close your eyes to the pain, which is done by relapsing even harder as it is usually the only available escape you have. Just a thought, maybe planning an alternate escape would be useful!
Hey man! Can really relate to your story. I have been hurting people all my life with gaming. My friends and family have attempted to tell me that I become different when i game too much, I absolutely disregard any long term goals for the rush! Hope you are still holding on! :)