ManGodWhyNo

Cam, I never realized this until yoga got really popular, but there's a perception that it's for women only. This is bizarre, and actually a little ironic, considering it used to be only taught to men. My class is 92% female. 3 guys, 30 women. I think the bodyweight/proto-pilates is a big draw for women intimidated or discouraged by weight rooms and a fear of "getting big". Likewise, men see a bunch of women in a class and think it's in a league with Zumba or Pilates or whatever fad is going on. Also, a good way to meet people for dating, which is probably the number 1 way to fill up an empty schedule.

Day 38: The Diplomat Used to be 180 pounds. Great shape. Football, yoga, running. So hot. Yeah! 3 surgeries and cyclical moods and life happened. Depression. 250 pounds. Tough to hang in there. Food is an opioid for me, no Lortab needed. A year of yoga, now 2x/ week. Man, I feel good. A colleague remarked "ManGod doesn't showcase it, but he's really flexible!" Watch out, laydeez! Somebody's about to showcase his smooth moves -- Friday, it will all change. Gonna try to get active ASAP. Not gonna let the pain stop me like before. Trying to get caught up at work before leaving. So many problems, all the key staff are gone. My boss is out of the country. So I end up meeting with some serious folks above my paygrade. Major plays being made. I thought it was going to be friendly, but it was a negotiation. Donny, you're out of your element I did my best and brought in some big guns. I saw a way forward, at least. If the bosses don't take my solution, they can either ditch a huge project years in the making, or find a workaround. I just met you guys, and this is crazy, but I just thought of something... -- PPS: There are dragons to be slain, but they are disguised as complex bureaucratic intrigues. Can't let the quagmire stop you. Look at Varys and Tyrion. You gotta make deals.

Day 37: And then there were 2 Good day. Took charge, got stuff done. 2 days left. Came home. Hadn't eaten. Drank too much. 2 days left. Turns out I was wrong about the retro-arcade. downloaded a bunch of emulators and lost my way. Working up the strength to delete them all. -- I know it's the stress of the the surgery. Freaking out about what to do. The upcoming boredom hasn't even started yet!! Sigh..................... The old games hold nostalgia but are actually mostly ugly and tedious. If I have to power grind, use turbo, or fast-forward time just to play them, they aren't designed to be playable. Nothing is fun about that. Why did I even play these? -- I remember the fun of going in the arcade - a quarter was like a lottery ticket. Renting games (that was a thing!) meant you had a day, 2 days, a week to game the crap out of a title even if it wasn't good. I'd play just to justify the expense. So marginal. Like going to a nice restaurant and only eating bread and water. -- PS: Nervous, but I'm sure it'll be ok.

Day 36: The Office After 2 years, my office had become very disorganized. Asked my gf for help, that wasn't easy. I come from a family of hoarders. Feeling much better now. Lots of feng shui. -- Being disorganized isn't a moral issue- it's inefficient, and it stops my forward progress. I think games are easy b/c they handle much of the micromanagement for you. Gonna keep it together at this last year at this job. Make adjustments that keep paying off down the road. -- Today was hard. A role model disappointed me. Actually, my boss really did. It's easy to put the whole organization on my shoulders. I'm just one guy. Can't let it sap my strength, my motivation. No situation is perfect. -- Got in some good yoga yesterday. In a year, lots of progress. Body-mindfulness is one of the best things I do all week. I bet I can figure out how to do some basic stretching, even post-surgery. -- Pos PS: Detoxing made me see that any situation is improvable. Out

Day 34: Adventures in Alternative Gaming Turns out there's a board game bar down the street from me. 5 bucks for all you can game. Nice! Went on shopping adventures with neglected friends. picked up Sheriff of Nottingham. Smuggling and lying are so much fun. Feeling good, finished the free version of Headspace. gonna keep going. Took a 2 hour nap today. I know, only little kids and old people do that. I needed it. -- Went to an improv show last night. It was weird. After 2 years, the scene hadn't changed much. The same drama queens and kings, the same jokes, the same drinking to excess and bizarre conversations. The show was pretty bad (I used to be a coach and director, remember), but I made human contact with some people that could be real friends. I'm going to follow up on those leads. -- Scared to go back, too. Everybody looked to me for approval, or they were jealous, or they waited for me to fail. Thought I was a weak person for having to walk away from my leadership role, from the stage, from that whole career path. Turns out I was strong to leave. The people who stayed don't have anything else. I made the bold choice, the right choice. I can always put on a show. I can rock a room. But I can also put myself first. -- A few fun hours at the Retro-arcade. Most games don't hold up when you're grown up with an infinite number of quarters. It was amazing how dated and meager the experiences actually were. Hard to believe I lost so many hours. Same with improv. Yeah, lots of great moments, scores, discoveries, teamwork- But the whole scene - the parties, the bullshit, the drama, the hangers-on, the ambitions and feelings and arguments- I could lose that completely. -- I left the improv alone feeling drained. I went out tonight with real friends and came back refreshed. The path forward is clear. Tomorrow: brunch and GOT party. Who is this social me? I'm liking it. Pos PS: Realized I don't have to struggle so hard. The struggle to end struggle, ya'll. Out

Day 33: The Shavening After a brutal week, I looked rough - like Nick Nolte, Gary Busey rough. I went to work looking like this. Asked for help, starting cleaning my office, everything organized. already progress. I can do this. Admitting it's a problem is halfway to solving it. Came home, full makeover. Shave, creams, fancy soaps. I know this guy. I remember this guy. Honestly, I felt like a corpse before, now I am human again. Going out tonight with friends I haven't seen in ages. Mostly pain free today, too. -- Tomorrow night it's date night with another couple at the grown-up pub with classic arcade games. Not really a gaming problem. No one gets addicted to Duck Hunt. Had to postpone next therapy appointment due to surgery. I can make it. Got asked to be a part of new pilot project at work. Very awesome. Got more done today. Sometimes treading water is okay in tough times. -- @workinprogress, thanks for the shoutout of support. Yeah, I've made it this far. Keep going. Nobody's gonna break my stride. Oh no, I got to keep on moving. Wishlist: Join local meditation/skeptic group. Take art classes Go to some concerts Maybe do an open mic night Pos PS: no gaming = a space for people and belonging. Out

Day 32: Loose Ends Goal: get caught up and then slightly ahead at work. Challenges: clients in crisis, bureaucracy, exponential in-box, absentee boss, too many tasks taken on, disorganized office, pain from condishuns, distraction. I'll be alone in my unit tomorrow. Hopefully the quiet will lead to productivity. There are some unresolved processes that I could get more guidance on. There are some shorter tasks I could do first. -- Hate to say it, I'm lapsing back into browser games. Freaking browsers. I have to be plugged into them almost constantly. My job requires a bunch of open tabs and constant research. I suppose I could minimize them when possible. I could limit email checks to once every 30 minutes if needed. I'm putting out small fires and letting the big ones burn. -- My guitar teacher moved away. Sigh. It's cold and rainy in part of the country where it should be warm. My face is broken out. My symptoms flared last night. It was a long, hard slog through the day. I think I'll move to Austrailia. -- The surgery is 8 days away. I'll be off for 11. I worked out a deal where I work from home, make up time, etc. Only gonna cost me a fraction of saved vacation/leave. At least that's something. My job usually feels like me helping people and taking on challenges. Today it felt like a giant DMV with stupid juice spraying from the ceiling, and piles of excrement being pushed off on the weak and unaware. Looking forward to the next job now. -- Positive PS: I think I can handle the surgery and rehab. That's saying a lot.

Day 31: The Final Countdown Thanks to all for support during this difficult time. I know this place should be for gaming detox and urges - but it's all connected The last few times games played a role in the onset and recovery process. I'll need help to make it through without a relapse. -- T - 9 days until the surgery. Yep, it's that bad. Yet, I like this surgeon. I like my doctor. I like the treatment plan. Research has progressed since I was in last. I'm smarter, have better friends. Could have done it Friday. Gave myself a week to get caught up at work, prepare my life. Uncertainty is now reduced - there will be pain, but there's a good chance this will take care of the problem for good. It's not my fault, the surgeon said. This is huge, dear Readers. -- All in all, it's the perfect time. The slow season. My boss out of the country. A relaxed work environment. I could work from home if I had to. No more repressing and hiding issues. Had a reckoning with my legacy friend yesterday. I'll do us both the favor of not holding anything in I said that, and I meant it. He didn't run away, or attack. He's just a confused guy with Asperger's. -- He'll try, I'll try. At least there're no festering emotional and physical wounds about. This is working. The plan is working. Clean house, clean office, clean car, organized. Clean body, clean routines, clean mind, clean eating. This can happen. -- Quite a roller-coaster in the past week. I'm still here. Moving towards solutions instead of 1 week further in non-coping. Going out with friends tonight. Human moments, I like being out and just being with people. I used to not understand people at all. Really, I didn't understand myself. Understanding one is a big start on connecting with the rest of humanity. are they all robots? Yes - biological robots. Just like me. -- Positive postscript: I have spent more time thinking about my future. A career in business? A Ph.D. , stay at a uni? So many options.

Day 30: Side Effects All my routines are in chaos. This is a rebuilding week, for sure. Haven't done much guitar, meditation with pain is hard. Mostly shows and internet distractions. Was so excited to go to twice/week yoga. Will try next week. Used to be sore from good activity. Now, sore from in-activity. And now side effects. Drugs are messing with my system. Waiting for a response from a busy doctor. Hope it's not serious. Trying to catch a break. -- You don't want to know where it hurts. Some of you are younger. Human biology peaks at 25, 26. Aging is a ride. Easy to look at others and see where they fail to adapt. Harder to adapt yourself. Denial is no longer a solution in my toolkit. Fresh air, transparency, even if that means bitter medicine. Sometimes you have to reopen a wound to heal, physical or otherwise. -- Got my list of goals going. Turns out I'm really good at goals at work, but I don't have goals for home. Structuring my time sort of feels like prison, I'm reluctant to commit. On the other hand - I do really really well with a schedule. I'm genuinely proud of myself for getting things done. I have a fear from childhood that what I do doesn't matter, because it will be washed away by others, or by an evil, unjust world. That's why this health crisis is so challenging. All my fitness gains, my mental gains. From one perspective, it looks like a catastrophic setback. From another, it looks like a person dealing with a big life event. Yeah, it threw me for a loop. On the gripping hand, it was always hanging over my head. My reaction is as much guilt and the shattering of cognitive dissonance as it is surprise. -- One of my New Year's Resolutions was to stop freaking out at setbacks. Small things- a lost set of keys. Big things - big car repair bill. My goal is to take the good and the bad without losing too many strokes. It's a marathon across the seas of the unknown. Big waves ahead. First priority: that happened. Don't drown. Second priority: can I cope? Can I heal some? Third priority: can I adapt and thrive despite this? -- That's really the issue. Years ago, I hit a rock bottom. No money, no job, no sanity, poor health, addicted. Family disintegrating. Now, I'm a college graduate. A professional. I'm healthier, wiser. I've traveled. I've touched lives. I've been published. I've jumped out of a perfectly good airplane. My number one limiting belief was that my failure before would prevent any progress, any redemption, any success. Now I know, empirically, that's not true. -- Was I slow to learn and acknowledge my physical issues? Yes. Childhood coping patterns still causing problems? Yes. Changeable? yes. The best thing that ever happened? No. The worst? Not by a mile. I changed states. I changed my brain. I changed majors. I changed relationships. I changed careers. I changed my body. I changed my personality. I changed my habits. I changed my stars, my destiny. It's not fixed. -- That's the paradox of being a prophet of doom, as I have been. If you predict disaster all the time, eventually, you'll be right. But that doesn't mean my theory of the world is true. I look at the lives of successful people and see that underneath the success, there is tremendous adversity. Major deficiencies, disadvantages. They overcame these. There is no justice, but there are opportunities. -- Tomorrow I'm going to bring my guitar to work. Why not? Positive postscript: no gaming = my to-do list shrinking by the hour.

Day 29: Diagnosis Learning how to treat this thing is also learning how to prevent it down the road. Got to the doctor. Tough to wait, to be exposed, prodded. "Doesn't look bad, not too good." I get most of a day in at work. Mostly ok. Not 100% 75% is good enough for now. I tell my coworkers, my boss. We laugh about it. They are supportive. A surprise. Taking care of myself. Healthy meals. Relaxation. Sleep. Friends. Feeling nurtured actually helps being nurtured. Diagnosis confirmed. Consult with surgeon in two days. I can deal with this, whatever happens. Got support this time. Looks a lot better than Friday. Each day some improvement. I know it won't always be like that. For now, it is enough. -- Got invited to do a research project with an economist. Got lots of free time, let's do this. Got enrolled in my next year of classes. Let's do this. Threw a great GOT party with amazing homemade food I made. Yeah, boyeez. Admitted I was in trouble and got the right help. I can change. One foot after another. Went indoor skydiving. Made my friend's day. He's moving away soon. A great way to mark the moment. -- Pos PS: no gaming = suddenly, so many friends. Real human moments. Out

28 Days Later: Dis-infection Well, the gaming detox has been a success. 1 month in, a lot of change. Careful Readers may pick up that change isn't either negative or positive. Regular readers, like our supportive founder @Cam Adair, know that I am in day 3 of what DC would call: The Infinity Crisis I may be getting a sense of humor back. -- Hope level (on a scale of Sylvia Plath --> to a maximum of 2008 Election Night Barack Obama): Low-moderate. Pain level: variable. Some throbs, some stabs, some WTF, some grossness. Like a Game of Thrones marathon. Speaking of, still gonna throw a Long-Expected Party tonight. Life goes on. Not going to suffer in isolation. Like the Buddha said, Life is suffering, so why not kick back with your crew for beer and a movie? I may be paraphrasing, he said a lot of stuff. Can't believe I'm not gaming. Yeah, I snacked a little more. I haven't told my friends, though. Or my work. This will be challenging. -- Some improvement in symptoms. Sore back from supine all the time. Found some home treatments, seem to help. Uncertainty until Monday. Funny, checked my work email. Everything is urgent. Doesn't seem so urgent now. Taking my friend indoor skydiving today. Maybe I can fly too. It'll be fun to see the look on his face. Watching a bunch of shows. Not gaming. Comedy helps. Promised gf I'd be a human today, no biting her head off. Pain transforms me into the Hulk. Bad Hulk. -- Gonna try to be strong. Baby steps drink some coffee. Baby steps write the journal. Am I in the Eye of the Hurricane? Baby steps breathe in, breathe out. Budd-ho Budd-ho Before enlightenment, chop onions, make enchiladas. After enlightenment, chop onions, make enchiladas. -- If your Zen is only strong when you have time, or health, or wealth, or good weather- Your Zen is not strong. A sage who knows this can be happy, even in the midst of Hell. Am I this happy sage? Let's not carried away. Pos PS: Just realized I'll be the first person in my family to get a Master's degree. Huh. out

@WorkInProgress, @AlexTheGrape - thank you for the words and images and support. Day 27: The Morning After... Slept fitfully. Have to sleep on my stomach now. So many emotions. Some symptom relief. If you know me, you know I'm always hungry. Sickness is the only time I don't eat. Gf prepped healthy veggie burritos. Soy chorizo is the bomb. Listened to music not just as background. A desperate need to escape, to cope, to distract. Goes without saying, gaming urges through the roof. Other urges, too. Not very buddha-like, snapping at my girlfriend, number one in my support network. This thing I have gives me a reason to type this using my standing desk. Lots of standing in future. Moving slowly. Like a wounded animal, waiting for the killing blow. I feel ... cursed. What a terrible night to have a curse. -- This feeling is so much more than a feeling. From a young age, this doom hung over me. At the age of 8, I told my mother: "I feel destined to feil." That's what you sound like when you give a literate kid books about Revelations and the apocalypse and you push it as fact. They say Jesus saves. Games save. They don't wash away your progress. They were a foothold. Supposed to be running a 5K right now. Celebrating my fitness and the end of a 4.0 year in graduate school. Now, defeat. Temporary? Permanent? Who can say? -- Entering damage control mode. Doing the treatments is gross, I do it inexpertly, but I do them. Feels like Sandra Bullock after the station explodes in Gravity. Weightless. Doomed. Waiting for the oxygen to run out... But wait... What can I still do? Breathe. Feel. Meditate. Walk. Perhaps lift, gently. Type, praise the gods. If these activities are crutches, then gaming and food and self-destruction seem like a glowing suit of power armor in the wilderness. It's a TRAP! -- I have made a terrible mistake. Four months of therapy, I never mentioned this to my therapist. We went deep, made big progress, in-session and IRL. We went places I hadn't been, made the crucial connections. We didn't talk about my secret, nagging, growing, recurring problem. Chronic illness has no meaning, other than: There is no justice. People suffer, babies are born half-formed, children are turned into soldiers. The ground is fracked and the world slowly boils. A frothing stew of haves and have-nots. The healthy and the un. The attractive and the un. The well and the un. How many categories of unlucky can one fall into? I stand at the center of a Venn Diagram of Destiny. White, cisgendered male in a first world country. And so, so many flaws in my DNA, my coping, my rearing, my decisions. -- When I believed, I believed that the world was benevolent. Later, it was what you make of it. It was benign. Now, is it malevolent? Is it cruel? Or am I merely incompetent at existing? -- My next therapist appointment is in 3 weeks. Going to move that up, obviously. Oh, the hubris! I actually thought I was getting somewhere ...all I know ... ... so unreal.... ... in the eeeennnnnd.... -- Always been one for dark humor. Don't freak out, guys. Don't freak out, me. This is just a dipstick in the maelstrom. There are positive currents, maybe even wise ones: At least it could be resolved. At least it's out in the open. At least I have health insurance. This was always there, but now I can address it. I always lived with this defect. Acknowledging and treating is better than ignoring. This speaks to deeper issues, deeper in-grained strategies. -- I ignore problems until they get big. I make small problems into big problems. Crisis to crisis living Always something hanging over my head. No wonder it's so hard for me to have peace, to concentrate, to sleep well. So many monkeys on my back. Tiny, infectious, devouring monkeys inside me, even. -- Spend so much time waiting for the other shoe to drop. Like a jackboot on my neck. Shoe dropped. Still alive. I'm still alive. Shame is at the root of so much of me. Can I forgive this in myself? It is wrong to feel like I deserve this situation. It is still a feeling. Like Donald Drumpf, the truth is not as important as feelings. -- In the interests of ego-journalism, I take a bold stance. Headlines: Local guy gets sick, it can be treated. Friends wish him well. Recurring issue recurs. Life goes on. Guy changing his life presented with an opportunity to deal with long-standing physical and mental problems. Newsflash: Physical and Mental and Spiritual health linked - gotta catch 'em all. I'm at an inflection point. A sentinel event. Can either go up or down. Things have to change. I know what passive looks like. I choose another way. -- Positive PS: didn't game my way into a coma last night, or today. Out.

Day 26: Catastrophe I have been feeling a little ill for a few days. Maybe food? It persisted - indigestion? Stress? Prolonged hangover? Incredible pain in my back. Thought it could wait. Then it hurt some more. 2 hours of missing my friend's commencement ceremony at the urgent care later... Diagnosed with a major problem. Untreated too long. Major implications. Infection. Possible surgery. Change in ability to move. Difficult to treat. A recurrence of something I had before. Worse this time. Life has suddenly become a nightmare. Fighting with girlfriend. Crying alone. Uncertainty except the certainty of pain and loss. This is heavy. World-changing. What will happen to my job? Fitness? Relationship? School? Last times this happened (less major), each time I lost my girl and my mind. Dear Readers, this is bad. This is very bad. -- Monday will see my GP and get referral. Waiting. Getting prodded. Poked. Noises of disapproval. Getting judged. Arguing about surgery that will take months if not a year to heal. No lifting, no yoga, no running, no biking. Barely sitting and walking. This is bad, dear readers. This is bad. -- Part of this is genetics. Part bad luck. Part my fault. A secret shame. An ongoing, low-level problem that flares with stress and leaves me vulnerable. If you read my other journals, you know my childhood was not typical. Not receiving care for chronic conditions was typical for me as a kid. I only saw the dentist twice before 15. Problems got brushed aside and got worse until it was un-ignorable. That means now I'm screwed up. I re-created those conditions and now life will be hell for a long, long time. -- I was making progress. This feels like an "own" goal and a massive cosmic smackdown. Disasterpiece Theatre. I don't know if I can hold it together. I don't know if strumming a silly ukulele is going to cut it. The look on the doctor's face- she was scared. I swear she said "OMG." -- This is bad, dear Readers. This is very bad. There is no positive postscript. Down. And. Out.

Dammit - just lost a whole post. Meditation on failure and chrome extensions. Discuss

Day 25: I Can't Count It's actually day 25. Started 3 Sundays ago. I can't count. I sometimes write at random times and forget to hit send. So wonkiness in the numbering. Issue: I think carefully before sharing my gaming story with people. Sometimes they are supportive. Sometimes they are dismissive. Sometimes they are threatened. Sometimes they confess their own addiction. Sometimes they confess and then try to tempt me. Crabs in a bucket? Had strong urge to game tonight. Sometimes the good times and boredom and a buzz bring it on, like old nicotine cravings. Excited to have events going on this weekend. Going indoor skydiving and then a sensory dep tank experience. Who is this guy that I have become. FUN! I went back on facebook - not to waste time, but to reconnect. Shouted out to cool people I miss. Looked for places to hang. Gonna try the local board game scene. Meditation scene. Skeptics scene. I've discovered a dive bar and I had a convo with a crazy homeless person. Srly. Charles Manson eyes. Discovered that lots o peeps wanna friend me - but I don't know if I should - some are from work, some are clients. Do I want people knowing about me more than I'm willing to share? I guess I set some privacy filters? I don't know how to Social with Limits. Lost my phone. Panic! Maybe I should do a phone detox. I'm craving more quiet time. Been having "sudden meditation moments" throughout the day. Every now and then the world kind of gets quiet and I'm feeling it all and being alive. For the zen guys, that's satori, the 2-fold experience. On the one hand, I'm stressed at work. On the other, at the same time, in the same moment, the world is beautiful and full of life and energy. Yes to more of this. NEW RULES (Like goals, and then some) Spend time each week hunting / browsing for activities Write down the results of rule 1 Spend time reconnecting with people Reconnect with myself Maybe buy some board games for parties? Take walks or bike rides. I like alone time and focused time with friends. I want some unstructured social time - meetups? Fun runs? My car needs maintenance. Time to bite the bullet. I have a growing list of procrastinations - I should write down this list and make it my Most Wanted list. Bounties, even? I used to draw a little. I loved it. Lessons? Food. How can I moderate? I love it so. No cold turkey quitting for food. How? I have been thinking of tutoring for money. Skype? I live in a college town. Do I need the money or the time more? Rock stars, the lot of you. Positive postscript: no gaming = I spent that money on indoor skydiving. That's levitation, holmes! Out

@Falky I've enjoyed reading your story - I really like that you put your goals in each post. I'm often improvising my goals for the day, but that usually leaves big jobs not started or not done. I guess I'm afraid if they don't get done, it's like admitting I'm failing, bad at goals or something. I like that you planned and executed a big trip, and since I work a stressful job, that you are working on passive income streams. Where should someone start on passive income? Way to go!

@kortheo I want to share gratitude to you - I have been reading your story from the beginning and your struggles with breaking up were really helpful to me - I am breaking up not with gf, but with legacy friend of many years. I also really like your gratitude journal points. That's something I did for a day or two, but I want to Restart. Even just 23 days in, it feels like such an epic change. I appreciate your journey, and that you're still learning things and finding other challenges. Wish you well in the whole "struggle to end struggle" thing. -ManGodWhyNo

Day 23: Best Man I was asked by a friend I don't see enough to be the best man at his wedding. We reconnected as a result of my quitting gaming - and have spent good time together online and last night, in person. I've never been asked to be a best man for anyone outside family, this is YUUUGE! Also, it's in a foreign country, so I'll need a passport, some cojones, and to brush up on my portugues! This will be my first time outside the US! My gf just told me that my secret b-day gift was a passport. Wow. Scared, excited. Very adventure. So much international. I always wondered who the people were that got to go to destination weddings, who were so connected that they shared big life moments with others from all eras in their lives. They are me, now. People who make other people a priority. This is awesome. I'm watching my best friend graduate this week from college. I've helped him along the whole way. We've got a whole weekend of celebrations planned - Indoor skydiving and other cool stuff. He wants to go to an adult arcade - but that's ok, it's a party, not me in a room grinding at 3 am. I'll be player 2, not just FOREVER ALONE PLAYER ONE. If I was gaming I wouldn't have made it a big deal. I would have waited for him to invite me. Instead, I'm planning events. This is a big step for me. I followed through and sent a "real talk" email to my legacy toxic friend. I talked it through with my therapist. It was hard for me to reach the point where I can say "I deserve good friends who support me." Maybe my friend can change. Maybe not. Either way, I'm moving forward, and I've discovered that there are new friends to be made and acquaintances that deserve to be good friends. I'm graduating to a new therapist. The last 4 months started with a devastating hit to my confidence, and I got help and then kept going. I turned tragedy into triumph. My new doc and I are going to work on laying the groundwork for my next job after graduate school, the next step. We're going to work on time management and some of the other bad habits I picked up when I was young: It's hard to get motivated to do domestic chores. I don't ever feel a part of my home. Guitar yes, dishes - no. I want this to change. I want to spend more time outside and learn how to do outdoors stuff like hiking and camping and hunting. It's like metal, I'm craving forceful activity. I'm going to do research on whether I should work or start a Ph.D program. I'm going to face my fears of leaving my town and state for a career. I want to clean out every space in my life, reduce mess, stress, get and stay organized. Minimalist, if needed. Gotta fight hoarding tendencies. I'm afraid I won't be a good leader at work I guess I'm also afraid that I won't be good enough, even after all the changes I'm making. I know objectively that's true, but I fight these feelings consciously and unconsciously. Desire to game: zero-low Desire to exercise: high Work productivity: moderate Number of big projects due: high Said no to authority figure: TRUE Pos PS: no gaming = having a friend say "I love you" and mean it. feelsgoodman.jpg Out

Day 22: Micro-Moments I read your journals and I'm inspired by the innovations you are all making to improve your quality of life from the macro to the micro-moments. A special food tray, a special time for quiet, a special meal, special time with someone, moments of achievement, and even in adversity, moments of honesty and learning. @Cam Adair started by saying "no" to problem gaming, and that leads people to this really powerful "yes!" in so many areas. Every time I heard someone criticize a gamer or a spouse or SO talk about their partner gaming all the time, or needing to put those "childish things" away, I was angry. I defended them. I was in denial. Acknowledging their problem would mean acknowledging my own. Would a life without gaming even be worth living? Yes! Flannery O'Connor, celebrated American author, gave some advice to her fellow writers: If you get stuck, sometimes the only way out is to get rid of something you think you can't live without. She was talking about characters, plot points, chapters, sequences... but isn't that real life, too? Comedy was something I thought I could never do. Then it was something I couldn't quit. Gaming was the same. There is a life after gaming. There is a life under the gaming. It's really awesome to see what fills the space freed up by the detox. Like the X-men, once it's awakened, it's hard to go back. Today is a mixture of cravings and victories, finishing things and starting others. Part of me is a peace and part is really upset. I feel like I can deal with this. I fought all weekend through procrastination on my last project, and then this morning, it's like a fever broke, and I knocked out a presentation in record time, no sweat, no fuss. Grinding on a game always feels the same. Life is a different kind of game. It's fast and then slow, it's good people and A-holes and sometimes it's the same person. It's too much and too little. Games are always talked about as exotic, wild, experiences. But life is really wild. It's actually got new content - all the time The DLC is free, usually, and there's tons of add-ons. My brother started crafting a family. A friend is building a real house, by hand. Another walked the Pacific Coast Trail. These are real. I made an appointment to register for the next semester - I had been putting it off. I talked to my gf about my job search fears, about my fears of leaving the state - I had been putting it off. I made myself close the door and meditate at work. By the old gods and the new, it was much harder than at home. But I finished. I made myself run a recovery mile at the gym. On tired legs, it felt like a 45 degree hike. But I finished. I made myself say no to a business manager. It's scary, hope there won't be blowback. Gods, I am a churchmouse. Do you people have advice about old friends who are holding you back? I've got a friend who's always knocking me - he passes it off as teasing, tough love, whatever. He only talks about his stuff and never wants to hear my stuff. He's never been happy for me, or anything I've done. Everything is always a bad idea, all of my other friends suck. Huh, now that i write it out, it's actually worse than it sounds. He sucks up a lot of my time, and honestly, I have been relationships with my coworkers of 6 months than him. I talk to people for a living, and I can't even start, participate, or complete a conversation with him. VERDICT: I'm going to write him an email - in person would be impossible. Pos PS: no gaming = time for quiet and calm

Thanks for the feedback, @Dannigan and @Cam Adair. I didn't realize how much I needed the community. If you weren't here, I'd be back to my old tricks. Literally the act of writing and sharing here prevents me from gaming. It's like the last line of defense. Day 21: Rocking Out Got back into meditation - it didn't suck, it was better. It's unbelievable that I have meditated so many times over so many years, and I still learn from the practice and from others. Not forcing it to happen, not trying too hard - those are my new strategies. A week ago Sunday I was ready to give up on guitar. Last night I couldn't stop playing. Was it messy? Silly? Awesome? Yes to all. Playing "The Roof is on Fire" by the Bloodhound Gang on a 40-yr old crap guitar, with sore fingers, trying to stop laughing, and a puzzled gf was one of the greatest moments of my detox, probably the decade. Did yoga today. I am on fire with that kundalini, ya'll. If you don't know what that is, it's like the yoga version of chi. Over 9000. Except less screaming and planet-destroying, more "it feels really good to be alive." I feel light, I feel compact (I'm a big guy), I feel like I inhabit my body. This might be weird for some - a lot of people live "on the outside" of their body and have poor "proprioception," which is the sensitivity to feel internal body states and movement. Remember when you had your growth spurt and bumped into stuff all the time? Proprioception. Look it up. Next week I start 2x/week. I led a practice class years ago. I wonder if I could do it again, this time with some more training? Man, I must be addicted to teaching. It's my dharma. That's like fate, but it's more like what you're drawn to, what you'd be best it, what you can't help but get into. ----- I'm obsessed with leveling up. With clicking. I wonder if it's an oral fixation. I used to smoke, I just needed something to do. In Zen Buddhism, they call it "Itch-Scratch." When you are unaware, you feel an itch and scratch without thinking. Developing mindfulness doesn't end the desire, it just puts a space between the itch and scratch, so you have a choice. Hunger. Itch. Bored. Itch. Anxious. Itch. Food! scratch. Kongregate.com! scratch. Catastrophic thinking! scratch. Still itches. I can deal with itches. Itches mean you're alive and in a body that can feel and wants to do stuff. Even though graphics get "better" over time, gaming is really a 2 or even 1-dimensional existence. Like Cam says, all the progress in the game doesn't get you one inch closer to real-world goals, the lack of which leads to the problem gaming in the first place. Last week was full of blinking lights and hand cramps and I haven't felt that bad since before I started the detox. Circling the bowl, I didn't want to fall in. It was scary, like watching a slo-mo car crash. Why would I sabotage my detox? I was clearly happier. Why? DEEP BAGGAGE ALERT: My father quit drinking near the end of his life, not forever but for a few months. He said that he was happier when he was drinking. That scared me. Would it be the same for me? Answer: No! I'm happier not gaming. In every way that really matters, I'm better, happier, more connected. My father was really too old to change. He drank himself to death. I'm not going to game away the next few decades and wonder what my life on planet Earth was about. His passing was like a cosmic kick in the ass for me. You father is gone, now how are you going to become a man? I think about that a lot. Wanna know what's weird? I am listening to much harder music now. I mean, I listen to classical guitar for mediation, and I still have chill laid back tunes, but I'm craving more metal and screamo and stuff with force. It's never really been my thing, but it scratches that itch. Master of Puppets, pulling the strings! Master! DAE metal more? Been catching up at work. I realize that I have a hard time saying no to people. I don't like that about myself, and I try to play it off as necessary, even advantageous, but now I see that I'm defensive at heart. I think of myself as bold, but I do a lot of apologizing and explaining and rationalizing. Sigh. That sucks. I know I could be in a better job, and when I finish my degree I want to... but I'm so so so so afraid I wont be able to hack it. DAE Impostor Syndrome? Yep. I help people find jobs all the time. I project confidence, even authority, but I don't really think anyone will take me. Yep. Games and leveling help me make up for feeling small, insecure, and underpowered in the real world. Hit that wall of depression and anxiety and it's like getting nerfed IRL by the devs. I'm going to make it goal to take my own advice and start looking, actively following up on networking, and filling out apps. Even though I don't graduate for a year, it's necessary. Again, thanks for support, thanks for reading. I'm glad for your stories, glad I'm not alone. Pos PS: no gaming = Finally got to use my mad Eddie Vedder impersonation skillz with a real guitar instead of a plastic one. "Oh what was everythiiiiiiiing" Out

Day 20: Repurgance ---- More or less back on the wagon. Victory: Ran a 5K yesterday. Haven't done that in 2 years or more. Victory: Was able to pull away from stupid browser games. Victory: Back to writing in this forum. It really helps. Tried it the other way. Victory: Music, guitar, and uke and the gym are getting to be my go-tos for productive procrastination. Observations: My face breaks out during times of stress - not just a zit, but like rosacea, surface of Io bad. Vicious cycle: I see my face, feel ugly, then give up on feeling good, then spiral. It's great to have healthy distractions. It's OK to NEED a distraction, that's what healthy, adjusted people do (in moderation). Hot Hand Fallacy and the Nega-streak: Hot Hand: you're on a roll. Dropping shots, nailing threes, getting sh** done. Hot Hand Fallacy: It will continue. Nega-streak: a streak of NOT-wins. Nega-streak Fallacy: the losses, lapses, bad habits, poor performances will continue. I get into the streaky mindset both ways. It seems to help me maintain positive streaks, but when I miss a day or days, it's hard to reboot. I gotta get over this. It's almost superstition. Didn't mediate yesterday? Today won't be a good session. Might as well not. Didn't meditate 2 days? It will be terrible. What's the point? BOOM: back to square one. Gotta knock this pseudo-science off. Life happens. Mistakes happen. Time mismanagement happens. I got a long way to go. I didn't get here overnight. There's a reason I'm where I am, and changing is hard or everybody would become their heroes overnight. I'm gonna be a slow-motion hero. Not in a single bound. In a thousand steps. Not the tall building. The slow climb. Not warp speed. Just a little extra nudge. I tutor college students and coached performers. People believe they have to reach the answer right away. They either jump to it or it's no good. That's a fallacy. They think I'm thinking fast. I'm thinking slow and getting that pattern to crystallize. You don't optimize at first. I'm an expert at my old life, I'm a beginner at my new one.Gotta think slow. My new goals will be 1 habit re-ignition - restarting after a missed session, 2 time management: writing down goals each day/week. 3 Victory/gratitude lists: focusing on wins and being thankful for progress and being alive. 4 Fashion and self-care. Seriously. Gotta look good to feel good. How many hours of sleep and showers and teeth brushings and flossings and runs did I skip to do another run, another turn, another level? Too many. Cave-trolls don't start as Morlocks, they start as humans. 5 2x/day guitar and meditations. Even 10-15 min sessions are good. It's even starting to sound good. 6 Hunger check before eating. Drink water before eating. Healthy snack check before selecting food. Chew slowly before swallowing. Gut check before getting more. Weight check before work. No eating before bed. 7 Writing every day. It's working. I feel sheepish that I seem to NEED to write here, for some reason it doesn't work as well if it's not public. 8 Get caught up at work. Honestly, I'm drowning and it's burning me out. Pos PS: no gaming = i've already saved 100 bucks! Out

Day 19: Total Relapse of the Heart Habits are tenuous things. Discoveries I made: When I'm bored, tired, and under a lot of stress, that's when I reach for something to pass the time. With steam and my "good" games gone, I must have played a dozen clicker games over the last week. I used to write in this forum. Instead I worked around my blockers and did the browser game thing. Lost sleep, didn't get much done, got behind, procrastination, bad attitude, r/politics obsession. Crabby, irritable. At least I kept working out and doing my "new" habits. Guitar, uke, grounding with walks. Better nutrition, smaller meals. My face tells the sad story of stress- it's a volcano of active stress syndrome. It's a final project for class. It's too many tasks and really, really apparent problems with my time management. If I can just get to Sunday and finish the project I'll be OK If I can just get to Tuesday and finish the class I'll be OK Why am I freaking out? Afraid of the future, I binge backwards on the past. I crave change and yet fear it. I choose to conceive of this moment as pushback on the progress I'm making. A revolt of the habits and subconscious. The momentum of many years. Like my overweight body, a body in (non) motion tends to stay in non-motion. A body in front of a computer is a dangerous thing. I remember Jonathan Franzen wrote Freedom by jamming his wi-fi and locking himself in a room 6 hours a day. I choose the resilient path. I choose to draw strength from your stories of struggle, relapse, return to the journey. I am humbled by how delicate behavior is. I am always surprised at the defeatism of a tired mind. Like an angry toddler, it really just needs sleep. I can feel my face getting hot, breaking out. I can feel the disease in my bones. I can feel the tightness in my breathing. I list my accomplishments, Jessica Jones-style, to relax and focus on the positive: #SoulMoney Humor is my way of releasing the tension I accumulate. I just went to a dinner party and had everybody in stitches. I helped someone in crisis. I am finishing a first year of graduate school. I've restarted a fitness routine. I've done 2 guitar lessons and logged hours of practice. I earned a 4.0 in my first year of grad school and got the honor society. I won an award for outstanding performance at my job for the second year. I created a mentorship program for my colleagues. I expanded my musical tastes. I did yoga at least once a week for 5 months. I blew through recruiting targets at my job and helped land a major whale investor with my promo campaigns. I became confident in my job. I talk to managers 10-20 years older than me and make decisions for my unit. I made the big decision to switch careers and return to school and ... It's going great. I've improved my relationships with my family and friends. I've nurtured my friends and family to milestones in their lives. I was brave enough to start a 90 day gaming detox. I am brave enough to confess my shortcomings and failures. I am brave enough to get back on the road to wellness. That's the thing about the double-edged path: If you fall off, you should get back on. If you don't pay attention and stay strong, you'll fall off again. If you are too hard on yourself, you'll never get back on. Bit of a koan, don't you think? I am a human. Relapse is a memory of the past. I choose the future. choose life. choose DIY and Trainspotting. Positive postscript: no gaming = getting my comedy edge back. Out.

Day 15: Push and Pull thx 4 support - I needed it today. Taoists say that there are 2 illusions- victory and defeat. This is important to remember. Win: yoga felt great, did it at home for first time in a long time . 2 x a week this summer. loss: haven't meditated in 2 days. Why? win: guitar making better noises . Fingers getting smarter. Ukulele is fun guitar easy mode too. I sang silly songs and laughed. This is priceless. loss: procrastinating final project, paperwork , office cleaning, car cleaning, enrolling , sigh... win: successful event redemption from last week misfire. Helped people. Trained future leaders. Loss: behind on email . Anxious about the future. Behind on web launch. loss: played browser games last 2 days. It's fear of failing and self sabotage. Not gojng Back tho. win: good relations with friends family gf. More social contacts now. I like it. loss: ate poorly last 2 days. Buffett style is hard . Happy moments are as dangerous as sad moments. win: I exercise almost every day and play an instrument every day. This is awesome. Leveling up for realz. all illusions - I'm going to persevere . Finals will be over soon. This will be a productive summer. I'm still getting adjusted to my new life. No backing up. Severe tire damage . Pos PS: no gaming = feeling my breath, feeling alive. out

Day 13.5: 5 Not So Easy Pieces There's not a lot of gaming mentions in this post. Why? Because I'm doing something else besides gaming. But the cravings are high- Friday and the weekend are hard, like smoking after meals. It's a lot of time to fill. Flashbacks and urges. My progress might be small to some, large to others, hard or easy - but they are mine - I claim them like a shouting televangelist. "CLAIM!" --- Two weeks ago, Saturday morning meant sleeping in, early gaming, noon gaming, netflix, later gaming, and eating, eating eating. ONE: Got up before 8 am and hit the gym across town. BOOM - PR (since returning to training), 2 pretty good miles. Had to make myself stop. Don't want runner's knee or an enthusiasm injury. TWO: Helped a friend, she said she was inspired, that I was her "cool friend who went to the gym in the morning." Awesome sauce. Social time at a restaurant. The healthy stuff looked expensive, I got a burrito. Oh, no- but wait! I asked for a box and split that $h@T right away. THREE: No bellyache, no guilt, no being the pig at the table. FOUR: Got cleaned up (this isn't trivial, some of you might know someone who has hygiene lapses), hit some good meditation. A real barrier to getting back to meditating was that I was trying to make "moments" happen. Straining too hard. Breathing too hard. I made like Elsa and Let It Go. BOOM. Zen For the Win. FIVE: Guitar is harder than I thought it would be, sooner than I thought it would be. That didn't stop me. I like my teacher and andyguitar.uk on youtube. I made a few chords. It's cleaner than a week ago, it's a start. I do 20 minutes. My ear is getting a little better. Guitar-sensei said it would be hard. He was righter than right. ---- It's only just after noon. Going to have to develop more hobbies. I feel like daily cleaning, some minimalizing, spot of reading, some yoga, Maybe a spot of creative writing? I'd love to hang with some friends, maybe I could make that happen. --- Weight is stable, 12 lbs down, but I know I've been eating a little more, a little less healthy - It was a week full of "reward" dinners and desserts and luncheons and stuff. I held the line like a Roman Centurion. I can deal with a little hunger. I can deal with the space and time left from gaming. Tomorrow is two full weeks. I bet Gaben's accountants are shitting bricks. Positive postscript: no gaming = time for date night (Trainwreck was a great movie). Also = does quitting gaming mean I'm an old man or does it finally mean I'm no longer a child? END CASUAL JOURNAL -- deep reflections ahead. Decide whether you can deal with that I think I can define what being a man means. Sacrifice isn't for nothing. It's so I can have something more important. If my dad could have given up TV and drinking, he would have been unstoppable. My gf just asked if I wanted to go shopping and run errands. Just like my dad, I complain at that stuff. It's funny - I think it's a waste of time. I wasted infinite amounts of time on games, but I can't give her 30 minutes, an hour. I used to have 3-4 hours in on steam by this time on most weekdays with 6-8 more to come. I would never characterize it as a waste of time. I did have a tiny voice that knew it was the wrong move, a bad pattern. That little voice always got overridden by stronger desires. In a way, overcoming an addiction like this is like restoring minority protections in the democracy of the mind. I think that's what enlightenment is - no longer having to shout to resist or engage a behavior Not the escape from urges, but just no longer being in denial about past, present, future. Mindfulness helps get cognitive dissonance down. Gonna go do some work around the house. I live here, too. Real men vacuum, or at least sack up and pay for a cleaning service. Out.

Day 13: Prime Note: For expressive challenge, this post will not use "I" or conjugations of "be" (called "e prime" writing) Finished a big, frustrating project. Reconnected with friends. Thrilled to have a social life again. Talk with a buddy, chat with a sibling, text with an acquaintance. This way leads to new habits, new neurons. Ah, the warmth of connections. A cool thing happened, a hidden combo discovered- First the gym, then some meditation. This time with "astral projection beats." Oh boy! The body expanded to fill the mind, the room, the world. A glowing, happy, pressure. Power Level: over 9000! It the midst of bliss, a thought comes - "This, too, shall pass." Who can know without trying? Challenge accepted. --- Excited for first real guitar lesson. Rapport established, a happy hour passes. The fingers, like toddlers, require training and space to play. Not quite playing, but participating in songs. Six strings, so, so many. Vague remembrances of theory, do-mi-so, and scales. On the tuba, it took just a few buttons and a lot of air. For Senior Guitar, patience and time and a Shaolin level of humility. Yes, this instrument promised a challenge. Feels like a nearly-vertical wall. Challenge accepted. -- Back to work to make choices, solve problems, get 'er done. A pleasure in this doing as well, but not as obvious. The hard work of bureaucracy and rules and forms. Innovation must wait. The Dude Abides. Positive Postscript: no gaming = the most amazing dream about Dolph Lundgren. Underrated, that one. Oh, and a few moments of bliss. Out.