Max

Day 8. Turned out I'm way too busy to write here daily. Currently in a taxi going to a doctor and then to work. Work has been good, I'm making a lot of progress recently. Overall I'm good and always occupied with something, maybe even a little too much as I'd like to read more. I plan to go to the library on Friday before work. I think I'll write here weekly in a form of long post. Just like I've done when I first got here and similar to how @Pochatok is doing. I like his posts a lot. So, see you next week.

Day 3. Today was great, had a nice walk in the city and been in the library for 4 hours. It was super cool. Definitely will go there again next week.

Day 2. I’ve been working this whole week and doing small tasks from my goal list. It feels pretty good, I’ll try to continue this way. Today is my day off, so I’m planning to go to the library. I wanted to go there since forever and it’s finally happening. I’ve got a lot of things to do and it’s very exciting!

Today is my 2 year anniversary here. I am still worthless piece of shit. Two years of struggling and suffering and I'm still severely addicted. But I feel so fucking bad after playing Overwatch, I have to fucking end this somehow. I've uninstalled yesterday, so it's day 1 for me. I've got some updates on my life since last post. So yeah, I gave up indeed. I miserably failed one of my exams and didn't even go on a second one. My score was as bad as a year before. I couldn't go to university again. I am stuck being completely alone, without any education. But my brother offered me a job, so I started to work as an electrical engineer. I'm not doing any complex stuff, but it's good enough to get me occupied for a couple of months until the end of project. And honestly I've been mostly enjoying my job, it makes me feel less worthless. The good thing is that I'm not depressed anymore as I've been when I started 2 years ago, I'm full of ideas of different projects and I'm willing to learn. Don't think that I want to go to university, pretty sure I can find my own ways to deeply learn complex stuff. But Overwatch has always been on the way, so I need to get rid of it to move on to more exciting stuff. On the other note I've got some serious health issues since the beginning of this year, already got 2 surgeries. Seems like everything's gonna be fine, but this year is ruined for me for sure. I guess it'll take another 3 months to fully recover. Judging from my past experience, Overwatch is not my only problem. After stopping gaming I tend to procrastinate on YouTube and watch anime instead of doing anything productive. What I want to do is a full dopamine detox. This includes not eating any junk food, not using any social media (I don't have any anyway), not watching any movies, Netflix, anime, YouTube etc. I would also like to stop listening to music for this period, because I think that I do it too much. So, this is my plans for now. I hope my future would be more successful than my last 2 years. Max, video gaming addict form Russia.

I give up

Day 28. Wake up time: 9 AM. Studying: idk, I'm not counting anymore so I think I don't need this line anymore. To be honest I'm a bit clueless. I am not exactly sure what I want to do in my life. One part of me wants to push trough and go to university, but another part knows that it's almost impossible and I don't really want to go there, and should go straight to work instead. I also have pressure from my dad and brother, because they are counting on me to pass. But my mom said that she would support me no matter what I choose and that the exams aren't that important in life. I feel ashamed of myself. If I would just forget about exams and do my own thing many people would be completely disappointed in me. And I really do care what others think about me, especially my family members. But I want to go straight to working in software development. I am just a clueless kid having no idea what to do.

Day 27. Wake up time: ~8 AM. Studying: 4 hours 43 minutes. Today was probably the most important day of my entire life. I decided to study on my own, so I don’t need to write those exams anymore. It’s gonna be really hard, but I want to make it. Now I’m a failure in everyones eyes, but I’m gonna prove them wrong. Starting tomorrow I’ll be learning Python programming mixed with a little bit of math and physics. After that I’m gonna improve my Java skills, electronics and then finally low level microcontroller programming and FPGA designing. I will still study subjects for those university exams, so if I decide to got to university I could do it next year.

It’s okay, relapses are a part of quitting. Almost everyone here had relapses in the beginning. For example I’ve been here for almost 2 years and I guess I’ve relapsed about 70 times since then. And about 100 times more before GQ. I think my first serious attempt to quit was at 15, I joined this forum at 17, now I’m 19 and still struggling a lot. Quitting is a process, you have to look at relapses as an opportunity to learn more about yourself, analyze your mistakes and weak points and move forward with this knowledge. Also don’t beat yourself too much because of relapse. You’ve spent 18 days without gaming and that’s what more important. You could’ve played all these 18 days, but you’ve only played 1/19 of that. Best of luck!

Day 26. Wake up time: ~8 AM. Studying: 5 hours 15 minutes + ~1 hour without timer. The weather was great today, it was the warmest day so far peaking at 23 degrees. I started my day by going for a small walk around my neighborhood. Then after studying all day I went for another walk in the evening. Even a small 40 minute walk helps to relax and clear my mind. Considering my insane pace at learning math and physics I really need to chill a bit. I am still way behind my schedule, but I decided to take my time to learn subject properly instead of rushing through. I might have bad results at my exams because I won’t be ready by the date and everyone will be completely disappointed in me. But it’s okay, I get what I deserve.

Yeah gastritis is not fun but I don’t have time to waste. Also this February I had swollen veins in my testicles due to extremely intense workouts with weights in the gym, I was in constant unbearable pain and needed a surgery. So to numb the pain I’ve just played all day neglecting everything I had to do. I can’t let this happen again, every time I fail I learn something that makes me stronger in the future. And I’ve failed a lot.

Day 25. Wake up time: 6 AM. Studying: 2 hours 41 minutes. I went to the doctor in the morning and was diagnosed with gastritis cause by H Pylori. That shit sucks but I'm starting my treatment tomorrow so I think I'll be fine. Also my sister came from Germany to visit, so I've spent the evening with my family. So it wasn't very productive studying day, but I've done a lot of other important things. So in the end I'm happy how it turned out. Also because of my treatment I have to shift my eating schedule 'cause my diet is very restricted and I can't cook myself because I don't have time, and I have to take pills before and during eating. So I have to shift my sleeping schedule as well. I'll wake up at 9 AM from no on. Let's see if it affects my productivity. I think it's gonna be fine.

I absolutely agree with this. Motivation is volatile and it won't take me anywhere. I should focus on my routines (system) instead of my goals (motivation). I am not motivated to study every day, I am driven.

Day 24. Wake up time: 6 AM. Studying: 6 hours 42 minutes. Not much done today because I've had headache since afternoon and it's annoying. On a good note I think it's important to stay consistent when your day is shit and something goes wrong. Also my cravings to play are a lot weaker today so I've decided to move my detox milestone from exam dates to 90 days of detox. I've been here for almost 2 years and never was able to reach even 2 months. If not my exams I would relapse at least 5 times already, but that pressure keeps me going. Also constantly facing terrific consequences of my gaming is a good reminder why I should quit forever. While studying I'm constantly thinking why I was so dumb to postpone all the important things.

Thank you! I am taking 10 minute breaks after every hour of studying. I’ve been thinking about going outside to have a rest, but I don’t think it’s possible with my schedule right now. My only big breaks are for eating. I will definitely take a look at that book, but only in July. I have no time for anything but studying until my exams.

Day 23. Wake up time: 6 AM. Studying: 8 hours 44 minutes. Today was much better. Still out of pace but I’ve managed to do a lot of work today.

Day 22. Wake up time: 7 AM. Studying hours: ~6 hours (forgot to start timer 1 time). Yesterday was shit. Due to technical issues I went to sleep at almost 12 AM while being angry as fuck. When it comes to studying I can not keep up with my schedule that causes anxiety and make me sad and angry at the same time. I also was too tired to study in the afternoon so I just went to bed and was laying with an iPad watching youtube before I fell asleep. Horrible day.

Day 21. Wake up time: 6 AM. Studying: 8 hours 46 minutes. Very disappointed in my studying performance.

I've graduated high school last year and couldn't go to uni because my exam scores were too bad for any decent university. So I have to take these exams again in order to continue. The problem is that I've spent this whole year gaming and procrastinating, so it won't be an easy task. When it comes to hobbies and daily routines it all sounds great but my gaming addiction makes it almost impossible to achieve. Let's see. At first I have to survive next month somehow. I hope you're right.

I doubt I would continue studying after exams. I would be completely burnt out. Most likely I'll go back to gaming 12 hours a day right after my last exam.

Day 20. Wake up time: 6 AM. Studying: 8 hours 4 minutes. l have to study more productively.

Day 19. Wake up time: 6 AM. Studying: 10 hours 18 minutes. Well I guess I'll keep studying as hard as I can. I wanna test myself, can I study for 10 hours a day for over a month or not. Exams are not that important, I wanna know my true limits. Now the only way to go forward is to endure suffering. And I deserve it.

Day 18. Wake up time: 6 AM. Studying: 9 hours 6 minutes. Idk it feels like torture at this point, yet I'm still way behind my schedule. At this point I can only blame myself for not studying for years. I have no idea what to do now. Forget about exams and take my time to study properly? So everyone who knows me would be disappointed in me (again) or should I just rush through my courses doing everything half-assed and hope for the best on exams? You reap what you sow.

Yeah, repetition is the most important part of habit formation. And time spent doing something doesn't really matter when it comes to habits, it could be 1 minute, could be 10 hours a day. If you are struggling then I suggest starting slowly and then gradually increase time. At the start it could be a couple of minutes, just stick to your routine and when certain number of repetitions is reached, it becomes a habit. Also I want to mention that it's not an easy task and failing is okay. I've been constantly failing for years, I've deleted my last journal because I thought I gave up and never would come here again, the journal itself was filled with my depression, despair and countless relapses during the last 2 years. Best of luck!

Thanks mate! I've been neglecting studying for years, barely doing anything at all. Now I have 1 month to prepare for my exams, so I don't have time to waste.

Day 17. Wake up time: 8 AM. Studying: 6 hours. My relocation has messed my schedule a little bit, but it was expected. I woke up 3 hours later than usual, so I did a little bit less today, only 6 hours. But it's okay, tomorrow I'll do 9.