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Everything posted by Arthur

  1. Entry 32 (days 52-54): I'll keep it unstructured because I am a bit impatient, restless, and a bit frustrated at the moment. Last 3 days weren't the best and they weren't the worst, I've done a few good things, started fixing one crucial administrative problem I have with my uni, hopefully it will be solved: I also continued with ridding my house of clutter, I've thrown out a lot of toys my little sister is not playing with anymore (with her permission). Also took a lot of children books and left it to be taken for free at my public library. Mary (from the dream in Entry 28) called and asked me to hang out, but I postponed it for 2 weeks. Finished watching extended LotR trilogy. It was beautiful as always. Meditated regularly. Was a bit lazy physically, didn't push myself as much in gym, but I spent a couple of hours riding my bike so its not that bad. My mood was oscillating, mostly because I was, again, willfully ignoring a few things, one of it being writing entries. This has to be my worst quality (willful ignorance out of fear) and the one I will have to fight against for longest.*** I decided I will be waking up even earlier than before, around 5:30 in the morning. Its going nicely for now. I like it this way. Read Tao Te Ching for the first time. Book is absolutely splendid. Tao is totally in line with Bhagavad Gita, emphasizing unattached action, and I am in love with it. Almost failed my 2-week nofap vow. (I still got 2 days to go) *** I feel like I have to be more compassionate and patient with myself with this one. If I start bashing myself (and I am really close to doing it) over this big flaw I have, it will never get better because I always become just more selfdestructive. Also, I think I am going to play around with the structure of my diary. I will start writing down my short term and long term goals so I can better keep my focus. Daily gratitude: To be honest, at the moment its hard to feel gratitude. But I'll try to be grateful non the less. I am grateful it's summer, Im grateful that days are long and I'm grateful that my father bought a lot of fruits in the past week. Edit (important): And while I was talking about willful ignorance I still managed to ignore important thing - I studied for an insignificant amount of time. (Wow, as soon as I written this I felt a bit relieved, and I feel like studying again. Another moment that I can clearly see that the big part of my problem with willful ignorance is coming from my instinct to keep my shame private and not sharing it with others when I make a misstep. So I'll promise to myself to always mention my mistakes here in my journals. Forgive me in advance if it ends up looking a bit less positive than before, awareness seems to be more important to me than positivity at the moment.)
  2. @GrainSiloEnthusiast I didn't know there is an extension that can remove recommendations! Thank you, that will be so useful. @Ikar I love your answer and I will say the same if they ask me :) I love getting up at 6, Last few weeks I was consistently waking up at around 6:30, 6:45, and I am quite happy with going to sleep before midnight. @Erik2.0 I feel my looking in the mirror is not that healthy, that's why I mentioned it so I become more conscious about it. On the lighter note, I am just really excited of the prospect of losing fat around my belly and lower backside, I want to see it badly ­čśä Entry 31 (day 51) - Another productive day guys. washed the dishes helped my father with barbecue studied for 6 hours meditated We had a small celebration for my brother's birthday again (now in my father's house), so we made a barbecue. I don't know if I even mentioned her until now, but I also have a little sister 15 years younger than me (on that note, I have a slightly older sister I, 5 years younger brother, and 15 years older little sis, 4 of us in total). Anyways, my little sis is getting into puberty and now she is argumentative and moody like crazy. She instigated a fight with everybody and I ended up taking her to her room so she takes a chill pill while she was basically screaming. I did everything in total control and I am satisfied with how I handled myself, I didn't shout, I didn't trow insults, but that elevated stress from her screaming and foul language actually got to me and I couldn't study for around 2 or 3 hours after that (in retrospect, I should've had a home workout then). I really hope one day that I could be resilient to things like this - not only resilient enough to handle the situation properly, but resilient enough to brush it off as soon as a stressful situation is over. I know this is really a tall order, but my spiritual tradition says it is quite possible if you dedicate yourself to clean life, meditation and prayer. Daily gratitude - Today I am grateful for everyone who contributed to saving ancient monuments and books throughout history.
  3. Welcome to the forum @Michael Au, I highly recommend you start writing your daily journal here like many of us do. It has helped me immensely.
  4. Oh my God, @Marek, you just made me remember so much pain and frustration I went through because of this same problem. I went from a dude that was spending around 8-10 hours every day on my education, to someone who is wasting his whole day playing games and going to bars. I was the worst hypocrite ever, and this just made me suffer so so much because I was still identifying with productive me and not with what I was doing every day. ... also, about the youtube algorithm... Yeah, even now I sometimes get gaming related content in suggestions. I think youtube remembers how much time you spent on youtube while you where watching gaming content, so even though you cleared your history they try to hook you back on it. Time spent on youtube = revenue for them, so it's to be expected. Edit: Just went to my youtube home page to check it - and out of 24 videos suggested on it, 2 where gaming related. One about an RPG that I was playing half a year ago with my brother, and the other about Minecraft, which is silly because I haven't played Minecraft in yeaaars, and I haven't watched any minecraft content on this account.
  5. @GrainSiloEnthusiast That's so great to hear :) I like that you mentioned it is also a time-sink on its own. Yes it is! And it's even more passive kind of entertainment than gaming is. It satisfies almost all the same parts of us that want easy instant gratification. I feel that, ideally, we former addicts should be careful of binging on anything, because we can end up just switching our source of instant gratification from gaming to something else. I am trying to build a sound foundation so I can pursue long term goals, discipline, discipline, discipline :) @Ikar You make a good analogy. A lot of people torture themselves with half-measures. Smoking and eating addictions coupled with a perpetual "I am on a diet" mentality can wreck someones mental health in a long run. Entry 30 (days 49-50) day 49 - Missing yesterdays entry was intentional because I haven't studied almost at all. I meditated a lot, watched LotR for 3 hours, went to gym and other than that I was thinking, reading holy texts, listening to some intellectual and religious talks. day 50 - This was a splendid day! I have: written my little post about free will washed the dishes did laundry meditated went to gym made dinner studied for 6 hours This day had almost no time wasted except maybe 1-2 hours in the morning that I took it easy. I was doing one thing after the next, focused and driven. The only thing that should've been improved is order in which I've done all those things. I should've studied in the morning as well, because in 10 pm my concentration obviously isn't the best. I have to say - days are beginning to seem so short. This forum takes like an hour or so a day, meditation 45 minutes, gym around 2 hours (commute included), and yesterday I spent around 3 hours on house chores+dinner. That's 7 hours gone already. Plus, I take a shower two times a day, I shave, I prepare myself something to eat, I make my bed, I make my coffee, I take out the trash and that cumulatively takes another hour at least, if not 2 if I do it slowly or have some other little chore to do. That's 9 hours of the day gone. and then if I study for 6 hours like a did yesterday, that's pretty much the whole waking day spent. Well spent, but spent. I still need to get used to it. P.S. I am ready to make the next step towards me completely switching my "first play, then work" attitude. For the past 2 weeks I have been successfully waking up earlier than usual, I have meditated and gone to gym almost exclusively before or around noon, but now I need to study at least 2 hours every morning as well. That way I can relax for an hour or two before going to bed, or push past my 6 hour limit for studying if necessary. 2x daily gratitude: I am grateful for God's influence in my life. I feel I would be completely lost right now if it wasn't for my meditation and prayer. I am also grateful for you guys and girls on this forum. You give a lot of good advice and even more support. It means a lot. P.P.S. I want to mention something a bit embarrassing. I have been obsessively watching myself in the mirror ever since I decided around 2 weeks ago that I am going to lose 5 kg (maybe around 30ish minutes a day). I am looking at every flaw my body has, but also i enjoy looking at my shoulders that are starting to look quite strong, et cetera... I hope I stop soon xD I am half way there already, lost around 2,5 kg.
  6. Yeah, that's the right approach. Personally I haven't watched a single gaming content related video except a single presentation of new unreal engine, like... a week after I quit, and I realized its not time for me to allow even that kind of indirect exposure. It's just unneccessary playing with fire. Edit: I emphasized twitch and youtube because I have seen too many people here mentioning they are watching gaming content. Thats innocent selfsabotage at best, at selfdelusion at worst. Gaming-free life should be gaming free. This may sound a bit harsh, but I know they are setting themselves for failure. Dont do it folks
  7. @BooksandTree´╗┐s I wish you all the strength you can get as well! I have a feeling this whole year is going to be one of the toughest in decades, but I decided not to give too much conscious attention to problems in the world, rather I chose to focus on anything I can improve upon. It keeps me sane, because, really - a person can only do so much in crisis like this. COVID situation is surely going to get bad in eastern Europe again, I already accepted a strong chance I will be spending another couple of months in isolation this year. And then economic crisis could make 2021 even worse than this year was. I wish you well in your fight against porn and masturbation, it gets easier with time. I masturbated 8 days ago, decided I will do without it for another week, and frankly, it is easier to do than my first "7 day challenge". I can even lay bored in my bed for 15 minutes and I will not get urges, which was impossible when I was in your stage.
  8. @Erik2.0 This video can maybe help you to do the deadlift without pain and continue with your progress. 135 lbs definitely sounds like something you can improve upon unless you are injured. At the moment I am doing sets with 200 lbs.
  9. @Erik2.0 Again, thank you for you well wishes! And yes, I am ready for new friends. This morning I want to share with you some of my conclusions regarding free will. For as long as people have been thinking about the relationship between nature and man, necessity and contingency, et cetera, there where those who regarded us as determined beings, while others regarded us as free. I will not go into academic dissection of the different uses of the terms and analysis of every nuance, I will keep it practical and concrete. So, putting the metaphysical aspects aside - it is indisputable that actions have consequences, and that our decisions shape us. If you want to build muscle, you lift weights every few days, and eat enough protein to enable muscle synthesis. Those two are necessary preconditions for gaining muscle, unless you take steroids and poison yourself. And it takes time. Realistically, a man can gain around 1 kg of muscle mass a month if everything is optimal - for example, you need ample sleep. But, If you try to speed up this process further by overworking yourself; you will end up losing muscle instead, and probably gain a long-lasting injury. Point being - natural things can be destroyed instantly, but they are build up gradually and on their own terms. Muscle has more uses than to lift, it can learn to move slowly, to dance, it can be used for gesticulation and emphasis, it can be used to show love and make love. It also has its memory. If we slightly damage the nerves in our hands, we will likely need to re-learn how to hold a spoon. And how we learn it? By practice and practice and more practice. Our mind is also such natural thing. Just a lot more complex than a muscle, both in its features and its functions. We who are former addicts need to remember that we have unconsciously trained our minds for years, maybe even for entire lives - to function in a specific pattern. It is to be expected that you have craves to return to former lifestyle patterns, it is what we are used to, it is our safety net, it was our "default", and will remain default for a long time but not forever. As I was saying in my muscle analogy - things in nature transition slowly and on their own terms. We need to be patient and not get frustrated when our minds try to force us back to accustomed mode of life, it is much less energy intensive to do so. That means we will need to say "no" to our previous life every day, and say "yes" to our vision, and slowly work on it, diligently, but also gently, for a long time. We say those "nos" by not doing activities we have previously done, and we say those "yeses"' by doing new activities every day as long and as hard as we can, pushing our expectations every few weeks, making progress, but also being patient with ourselves, we can change only 1 step at the time. When a child gets frustrated with themselves when they cannot ride the bike as soon as they sit on it for the first time, a loving parent will comfort the child and urge him to try again and again, because the parent knows that we are not born with innate knowledge and ability to ride it, that it is not shameful if you fail a couple of times, and has all the reasons to believe that the child will master the bike riding if they continue giving their effort. It is the same with learning an instrument, just that it takes a lot longer to learn it than riding a bike. We need to be like that loving parent to ourselves. Changing our behavior is more akin to learning an instrument than learning a bike (because it takes more time) or learning something about the world (because intellectual learning is different than learning of behavior) Negative thought patterns are learned, addictive behavioral patters are learned, our default response to stress is learned. To change them, we don't need to only change our way of thinking, we do not need to only make a conscious decision to live differently, we need to constantly struggle against what we where for a long time, struggle, likely for a couple of years at least if not a decade depending on how unhealthy we where living in the past and how highly we set our new standards for ourselves. Free will is therefore something to be consciously practiced every day, it is enforced, reinforced and strengthened. If we live mindlessly on autopilot for years, our environment does with us what it wants, so no wonder we often end up becoming what we didn't want to be. If we know what we want to be, or at least - if we know what we don't want to be, we need to slowly gain control over ourselves by gaining control of our senses, our thoughts, our emotions and our actions. And we do that by nurturing qualities we want to have. If we want to be more hardworking, the only thing we can do is push ourselves to work more than we are used to, if we want to stop being in a certain way we run away from things and people that made us behave in that way - so, of course, if we want to masturbate less or maybe not at all, porn is not an option - to keep it plain and simple. And most importantly for this forums - If we don't want to game, twitch and youtube gaming content are not an option.
  10. Are you holding your back straight? It's harder to fall asleep when you have a proper posture. I'm glad you are meditating! Keep it up! Stay strong man. Personally, I feel so much manlier now that I let go of porn. Maybe I am not sexually satisfied, but at least I don't pretend to be by artificially tricking my brain with porn. Also, if I can't control my urges... how can I ever have real self-confidence? I know that it is tempting to indulge, but there is a higher way! Join me on this higher path, it is worth it. Sending a lot of love your way man.
  11. You're right. While my friends aren't directly responsible for me playing games, (because they rarely play them and we don't discuss them), they live in a way that facilitates addictions of different kinds and they bring a lot of negativity. They are pessimistic, they drink a lot, they smoke a lot, they sit a lot, they are "words rather than actions" kind of people. 1 of them took a lot of party drugs last year, while other two joined him on couple occasions, while i urged him to stop (he eventually did, thank God). To be honest, in several ways I am embarrassed I still hang out with them so often. Well, I'll say - I am embarrassed I was hanging out with them so often. I won't anymore. P.S. this is my last post about them, gotta focus on myself, also, gotta focus on the positive
  12. Entry 29 (day 48) Not a very productive day when it comes to studying. Studied for less than 2 hours. But I don't feel bad about it because I spent the day thinking about some personal things that needed to be given attention. Mood: Good, good. Days that I pay attention and monitor my actions and thoughts are in general calm. It seems like my anxiety is closely connected with willful ignorance, it creeps on me when I try to avoid inevitable things, which is only natural and to be expected. Things I've done: meditated in the morning and shortly before going to bed done dishes and went to the butcher for some raw meat went to gym (Steve cancelled again*, this is like... 3rd or 4th time he's done this in last 20 days) studied a bit listened to philosophical lectures on youtube (not for exams) went to my mother's to have a small celebration of my brothers birthday (dinner and a cake. I also had a glass of wine and I noticed I don't miss alcohol at all) thought a lot hanged a bit here on the forums went to sleep an hour and a half before my schedule, just felt tired and was excited for the next day Daily gratitude: I am grateful for all the beautiful music I can listen for free on the internet. Our generation is blessed beyond belief in that respect.
  13. Sorry for I am being extremely persuming... but I feel like you are a compassionate person that generally takes care and gives attention to things and beings other people forget, neglect or belittle. This is an admirable trait and I wish you all the best in helping those who are neglected or unrecognized. But also, I would encourage you to try to let go as well, everything in this world is impermanent, even the mightiest and sturdiest of things. Ghosts need to learn to let go, and so do those who are attached to ghosts. Again, sorry for being persuming, I wish you well!
  14. @Erik2.0 I analyzed the dream in detail after writing it down, I like your interpretation of me getting burned because of trying to realize the dream faster than it's possible, but I also think there is one more thing to it. But lets go through what you written. First, Chris hopefully didn't go downhill, I haven't talked with him in a year almost, we took separate parts in life. I know he is still very hardworking and he is earning a lot, but he was always also very hedonistic (partying, women, excess food which is ok when you are an active athlete, but he not anymore, gambling), so I guess he might easily fall into the traps I dreamed of. I definitely did climb up in different ways, but as I got older I always though of us as "different", not better or worse. Needy girl does not symbolize how girls are more interested in me now, because in my early teenage years I had a lot of girls interested in me, I even had a girlfriend in 5th grade lol, prettiest girl in class at that moment, she developed early. But generally I was a bit immature + when my parents started arguing intensely I closed myself off. In high school not many girls where interested in me, but I was even less interested in them. I played computer games, was depressed, and was learning about the world, girls seemed like a hindrance until the final year in high school when that radically changed. Also, before I got depressed again and started playing games in uni I was popular with women. I agree that, in general, this dream symbolizes that things are not only getting better, but that they are actually pretty good already, and that is true. Star coming to our doorstep is surely a blessing or it symbolizes a blessing. I also think I understand the contrast of the 2 houses. In Chris's house, people are focused on hedonism and indulgence, they are gratifying their senses and it slowly leads to corruption (other family members where bickering with each other), while when I came to my house my family was working with smiles on their faces. It's a stark contrast of consumption vs. production, neglect (dirty Chris house) vs. care ("even the sewers smell nice"). Also, for me it symbolizes materialistic vs. spiritual, especially because the needy girl was in Chris's house looking for me. In Entry 5 that you can read on Page 1 here, I've said of her: "She is materialistic and career oriented [...] likes to spent time drinking wine and eating junk food, while I am spiritually inclined person that reads philosophy books, goes to the gym and consumes art. This stark difference makes it almost impossible for me to be completely genuine with her, because I would end up being too critical of her and we would argue unnecessarily. [...] so in the end one part of me wants to stop hanging out with whomever I cannot be completely truthful and authentic with." The part with the star is also important. I really like what you've said about it, and I agree. But also, I think it symbolizes my ego trying to take credit for improvements my family has made. While it is not untrue that I had done a lot to better the situation, I think the sun burn wants to remind me that it is obviously a team effort as well as a blessing of fortune. Similarly as when we went through a terrible period, it was a "team effort" in the worst sense, as well as a looot of bad fortune. So I will try to humble myself in this regard and be grateful. @GrainSiloEnthusiast Recurring dreams amaze me. Patanjali in Yoga-sutra says that dreams often have imprints of past (as well as past lives) and of future. Grain elevators are a really particular thing to dream often about. P.S. I should probably note (if I want to be authentic, haha) that I actually pray to the Sun demigod (Surya, Savitur), almost every day a couple of minutes at the start of my meditation to help me with it. It's an ancient mantra (called Gayatri mantra) from the Vedas that asks of the Sun to clear your mind and offer a blessing for concentration, wisdom and peace. After this I proceed with my main mantra (to get in touch with and kneel down to God). So Sun coming down to my house makes me so happy.
  15. @Erik2.0 Hey :) I am doing better, yes! Thank you for you well wishes. Entry 28 (day 47) Another decent day. My mood was oscillating between calmness and seriousness, but I also had a few moments of happiness as well. I managed to: go to the library in the city center for new materials went with my bike, so I got an hour's worth of cardio (bike is as effective as using public transport time-wise) went to my mothers apartment to get a few things I left there studied for about 4-5 hours meditated in the noon and before going to sleep watched half an hour of LotR had a core workout at home (I do calisthenics for my core, no need to hit the gym) I went to sleep in a regular time, same as always, and woke up the next day after a weird dream* And that's it. Pretty normal and simple day. It felt like a day "as it should be", varied, productive and bright. * I'll again write down my weird dream here. I personally don't think you guys care about them, but I talk about them selfishly so I can remember them later. I have a "curse/blessing" of almost always remembering what I dreamed about that day, so I was always heavily affected by my dreams. I'm also sort of a Jungian. ANYWAYS... Daily gratitude: Today I am grateful of all the healthy food I eat, and grateful for my regular meditation practice
  16. @BooksandTree´╗┐s Hey man. You've given me useful advice yesterday so I feel obliged to offer you a word of advice regarding your anger. Firstly, I also had problems with anger throughout my life, I've grown up in a highly dysfunctional family and I was exposed to, and participated in, angry shouting fights between my family members since early childhood, almost every day, until 2 years ago. So, naturally, I had a lot of anger issues. But, I got rid of most of my anger already, and I think my story can help you. 2 years ago I moved to my grandparents house for 3 months. Trigger was a fight I had with my dad, who was verbally abusive towards me ever since I entered puberty. That day he said to me: "You are worthless. You are as worthless your worthless mother". I got so angry I was shouting like a madman asking him to apologize for what he said, because my mother is far from worthless, she works just as hard as him, and is more loving person in general. Anyways, I moved out of the house immediately and begged my grandparents to accept me temporarily until I sort myself out, I had impulses to crush his head with a hammer. Over the course of the first month i was away from home, I had constant dreams of fighting, choking or killing my father (or him killing me, but that was a less occurring dream). Another month passed in a relatively similar way, and I realized that I cannot get away from him, that he is basically haunting me. And then I got an advice that I should forgive him if I want to free myself. At first I didn't even know how would it be possible because I was so filled with hate, and on the other hand I wasn't sure what forgiveness means except the outward act of pardoning a person for his misdeeds, which means deciding not to punish him. I spent the next couple of weeks constantly thinking about forgiveness, listening to people talking about forgiveness online. And slowly I have understood what I have to do. I realized that forgiveness means: 1) letting something be in the past, 2) accepting the reality of what happened, accepting that you cannot change it, 3) recognizing your own faults (if you have in certain ways worsened the situation, which I did with my unkind words and shouting), forgiving yourself 4) Trying to be compassionate towards people who wronged you (trying to be compassionate towards their sins in the same way you are understanding of your own. You understand that your verbal abuse stems out of being hurt in the past, and it is often the case that other peoples bad actions stem from them being hurt by other people as well, even a lot of devil psychopaths often had traumatic childhoods). 5) deciding not to focus on it anymore, but rather open yourself towards the future 6) the actual act of sincerely saying "I forgive you for EVERYTHING wrong you've done", ideally face to face to the people who wronged you, without ANY ego and feelings of superiority over them for doing it. I realized that forgiveness doesn't mean: 1) staying in proximity with people who wronged you. It would be better to stay away from them forever if they are abusive. 2) artificially forgetting that abuse happened (although, once you forgive you will naturally start to think about it less and less as time goes by) 3) expecting forgiveness from their side (if you can forgive only when you are forgiven, then it is not really forgiveness, that's a trade deal) 4) expecting a positive reaction (you must be ready for them to mock you, belittle you, get angry, et cetera, and you need to forgive them in advance for that as well) When I realized this, I went first to my mothers apartment and said to her "I forgive you for everything wrong you have done to me in my entire life, either willingly or unwillingly, knowingly or unknowingly, purposefully or accidentally. I really do forgive you for everything. Also, I do not come here asking for you to forgive me, nor with any ulterior motive, but I do say that I am genuinely sorry for everything wrong I have done to you." She started crying and thanked me, and we talked a bit about it further. Tomorrow I went to my fathers house, at that point we haven't spoken for months, pulled him on the side to talk to him privately, and said the same thing I have said to my mother. He genuinely thanked me as well and hugged me sort of confused about what has happened. We didn't speak for a few moments, and then I said I'll be going my own way, we wished each other a good day and I left the house. Long story short - It worked. I felt relived immediately, but the important thing is that as time went on I really didn't react with such anger when i remembered the past. Right now I can think about it and not get riled up about it at all. And universally speaking, i got less angry about generally every aspect of my life. i got less angry towards the state of the world as well. Not because I got blind of how bad things are, I am not. But I am just free from a lot of highly negative emotional reactions towards it. Now people cannot trigger me as easily.
  17. Entry 27 (day 46) Day was pretty good. I was driven, constructive, and didn't have a panic attack. This is a list of things I've done yesterday, without any order: I went to library for new materials studied for around 4 hours had a discussion with Steven about gaming addiction went to gym made dinner for my family (it was very successful, my grandma compliments me non-stop at this point) cleaned a few windows and mirrors in the house meditated did laundry and dishes listened to some music Notable moment: Today I was reading Northrop Frye's "Anatomy of Criticism", which is a classic text from theory of literature. I only had to read 2 relatively short chapters (for the exam), and I did just that. Like any other sane person, I read the chapters, made detailed notes for them and that was it. Few years ago (when I was suffering from heavy depression) I had a totally irrational and self-destructive tendency (stemming from unhealthy perfectionism and frustration) to read the whole book even though it was not necessary, and often it would end up hurting me. So this shows me I am making progress in this fight against my inner demons. Daily gratitude: I am grateful for being already so well educated on topics which interest me, and for the all the opportunities to grow.
  18. @BooksandTree´╗┐s Thank you for your advice. You are not being an asshole in the least. I obviously have an axiety problem with studying and an unhealthy thought pattern regarding it, so I really appreciate every word of advice I can get. I'll try my best today to avoid the pitfalls of overpsyching myself. Entry 26 (day 45) - I've written my last entry in the evening, so I already talked about how most of my day went. After it i have: Meditated for over an hour Prayed to God after meditation, made a vow washed the dishes did laundry cleaned my desk drawers of old, unnecessary papers (Some of it where my inconsistent, free flow journals I've written over the course of 5 years, along with my philosophical musings. I read through most of it before trowing it into trash. Another piece of clutter I am glad to be rid of, both literally and figuratively.) And that's basically it. I had some problem falling to sleep, but in the end I had a decent sleep. P.S. I woke up this morning after a really weird dream, which I written down immediately, but I will write it down here if I end up losing my notes. This was the structure: 1) first I ended up falling into my old bad behavior patterns unrelated to gaming (i was strolling around the town aimlessly, entered a bar) 2) i got into trouble in bar with a group of people and the police (just because I was there, because of bad association) 3) I needed to escape it (not in an unhealthy way, nobody should stay there) 4) I sneaked a bit and found a way to a hidden priests room 5) It was clean and pretty and I managed to go outside of the building through the window of the room 6) I entangled myself into some wines in the yard of the building 7) One girl noticed me (she was with the group that wanted to keep me in the bar) 8.) She entangled herself trying to get me (she had bad intentions towards myself) 9) I got horny and started grouping and kissing her 10) When I released myself from the wines, I first released her, then I pulled her towards me, kissed her again and asked her out 11) She accepted without hesitation 12) I woke up Daily gratitude: I am grateful for never giving up, for never losing hope.
  19. @Marek Never listened to Skillet before, they seem interesting on the first glance, maybe I'll get around to listening to them, thank you for your recommendation. Sorry if tl;dr, I'm distressed Entry 25 (days 39-44) - Experiment gone wrong (not terribly wrong, I hope), I am still filled with so much fear Summary: I'm back after 5 days of not writing my journal. Willful absence from here was a mistake. Even if I spend an hour every morning writing my entry, even if I spend another hour throughout the day sending private massages or replying to your questions, it is still totally worth it. This forum keeps me focused on the day to come. To be honest, I thought I didn't write my journal for 3 days, not 5 already, which shows how unaware I got without it. I don't know exactly what I have done for the last couple of days, so I'll probably forget about 30% of it. In general, I know I was meditating every day, I know I was reading the holy scriptures every day (more so than usual, which is not a good thing, I'll talk about this later). I know I have washed a lot of dishes, went to the gym regularly, made another tasty dinner for my family, and I watched Fellowship of the Ring again. (watching The Two Towers at the moment). And I know I didn't study at all. Should I count not playing games and not watching porn as an accomplishment at this point? I guess I should, considering a lot of you guys had a couple of relapses. I have to be grateful about the progress I've made, and... you know what - I really am. I am grateful I am clean of porn and video games, I am grateful I got used to serving my family and being more active, but this cannot and shouldn't keep me happy. Here is the catch - every moment that goes by that I am not studying (or organizing my studying, or contacting people for materials, or calling my professors for advice and other info), I am one big, fat step closer towards destroying this beautiful opportunity I got in my life. I maybe already ruined it, but lets hope I can compensate my lost time with some serious 5th gear mode. I had a panic attack 2 days ago when I was about to go to my bed, ended up being awake for the next couple of hours. It wasn't the strongest panic attack ever, but maybe the strongest will get me in the next couple of days, I feel the tension rising every minute, wish me luck and strength. Other than that, my mood was extraordinarily calm, mostly positive and even inspired, but that's because I was successfully ignoring reality. This just goes to the ROOTS of why I ended up playing computer games and watching porn for such large parts of my life. I got so used to ignoring reality, I enjoy forgetting about reality and just drifting freely away, way too much, 1/3 of me dreaming about the future, 1/3 of me contemplating philosophical truths, 1/3 of me just enjoying this calm, sleepy, cozy, pleasant, content existence in willful ignorance - this illusory freedom, this fake detachment, this counterfeit enlightenment. There is a couple of important reasons why this is the case. But the most important one is - that I went through a lot of pain in my life, and I have hidden, I have found my safe space, and I have been licking my wounds ever since. I know that willful ignorance is a defense mechanism, probably the most Important one. Who wants to feel this high amounts of anxiety and psychological pain? Nobody. But I have to suffer through this, I have to. I have to. I need to fix my life. I don't want to die, I want to live. I don't want to sleep, I want to be awake. I don't want ignorance, I want truth. I don't want to fantasize, I want to experience. ... Ok, so here's the deal Next 2 and a half weeks are going to be incredibly difficult for me. I will need to study every moment I can. I will need to push my will constantly. I'll have to suffer through heavy stress and more than a couple panic attacks. Let's hope i can make it. lets hope I salvage this mess. I am so scared. This day is already badly spent. I cannot salvage it, I am already starting to feel tired and I am negative and I don't have strength. Tomorrow morning is when things will start happening. I'll write my journal entries every day again. I'll keep my focus, I'll stay present and make most of the time I have left. Daily gratitude: I am grateful I am physically healthy.
  20. Entry 24 (day 38): My entries are going to be more minimalist in a next week or two because I feel I've been spending too much time here as of lately (around 2 hours a day). Also I apologize but I won't be replying to your questions so I don't have a reason to check this forum several times a day. Mood: I was energized like I haven't been since I've started this journal. I was pumped. It maybe has something to do with 7th day (no fap) testosterone spike. The only bad thing about it is that I lashed out with anger towards my mother when she was just a bit irritating, it was not deserved (besides, I don't think anger outbursts are ever good for you, but sometimes they are understandable, this time it was neither). I plan to apologize to her later today. How the day went: written an entry washed the dishes listened to a guru talk about compassion chilled a bit with my brother meditated Sorted all the things that need to be thrown out of my old mother's office, this took over 3 hours.* Made dinner for my family (this took around an hour an a half) ate (it was delicious) Went to the gym When i came home from the gym it was 9 pm and I had some energy left in me to study for maybe an hour, but I didn't. I decided to dedicate the next day to studying. Read some scriptures and went to sleep around 10:30 pm. * My mother should've done this years ago. I needed to basically trick her (in an innocent way, she didn't feel manipulated) into coming to my house (where her old office is) so we finally do this. My brother and I have a long term plan of turning her old office into our hub where we can hang around and bring girls. Daily gratitude: I am grateful for Lord of the Rings trilogy. I can draw endless inspiration from it. (I watch the movies 1-2 times a year). P.S. I wanted to share my personal favorite Black Metal album with you guys Batushka - Litourgiya. Masterful Polish band. I love Orthodox Christian (in Old Church Slavonic language) singing in it.
  21. Hey @Erik2.0 :) I tried to quit smoking maybe 10 times over the course of 3 years before I succeeded. But the last time I quit something was different, I really made a decision not to smoke for the rest of my life. I am not sure what else I've said and what my thoughts where at the time, but when I quit I really felt I will never smoke again. Funny thing is, I didn't even have any sort of withdrawal symptoms. I am studying philosophy, that's the reason I've read "Genealogy of morals" more than once :) I want to be a good philosophy professor and an author one day. I'm glad you've read Bhagavad Gita, it is considered to be one of the most important texts of Vedic spirituality. I was a Christian before (I am from a Catholic family), and I still read the Bible from time to time. Half a year ago I participated in the traditionalist Latin mass with my friend who is going to become a priest, I prayed with the rest. Any type of sincere worship of God is good in my book. I respect Christianity, Christian philosophy and especially Jesus.
  22. I've read Bhagavad Gita around 6-7 times from start to finish already and some parts I have read for over 20 times. It is difficult to comprehend for a newcomer because it is filled with a lot of concepts from Indian philosophy. Gunas, atman, paramatman, prakriti, isvara, dharma, svadharma, et cetera. But on the other hand, I loved it from my first read. It peaked my interest, and I found it wise even then. I don't recommend translations that are made by non-hindus. I first read translation from Mahatma Gandhi and I still think it is pretty decent, much much better than some "poetic" translations I stumbled upon. Now I read a translation by Srila Prabhupada, but I wouldn't recommend it to someone who is not heavily invested in the topic because his commentary after every passage is longer than the book. I recommend Gandhis version, with a disclaimer not to give much attention to Gandhi's commentary because I think it is a distraction and often not that useful. ... Geneology of morals! Read that a couple of times as well. I disagree with Nietzsche on topic of morals ultimately, but he did make a good critique of how morals are used as a pretense to hide weakness, to control and to subvert. His suspicious eye is worth our attention, especially when you realize how influential he has been. Congratulation man! Dry masturbation is just a tease, making you more attached to what you are addicted to.
  23. Arthur

    Helen's diary.

    @Helen Congratulations on you first steps forward! 10 days is a decent chunk of time to be without your addiction. I also started taking care of myself better since I stopped playing, by losing my distractions I noticed how bad some aspects of my daily life are. I am looking forward seeing your progress :)
  24. Entry 23 (days 36 and 37) I am back with my journal update. Didn't write an entry yesterday because I didn't want to come "empty handed". I wasn't satisfied with how my 36th day went. Day 36: Main issue is that I didn't study at all, other than that it was a good Sunday.. I did go to the gym with Steven early in the morning We had a cup of coffee and talked a bit of politics and philosophy as usual. I came home and read some holy scripture done dishes meditated had launch (in 3 pm) took an hour long nap Then mine and Steven's mutual friend (Leon) called and asked if I want to have coffee with him. I said yes because we didn't see each other since we celebrated that promotion of our friend I mentioned here a couple of weeks ago. Anyways, Leon studies law, was engaged in politics for a while, and he has also decided he will become a Catholic priest eventually. As usual, we talked a lot about God, theology and religion. But we spent too much time (3 and a half hours) there and regretfully even talked too long about people we dislike, which is a habit I need to get out of. When I came home I was in a pretty bad mood. I went to meditate again but it didn't do much, except it made me calmer. I just knew I won't be able to make myself study so I decided I will spend the rest of the day reading scriptures (Bhagavad Gita and Shrimad Bhagavatam where "on the menu", if anyone wonders). Day 37: Yesterday went well. If I spent the first half of the day as good as I spent the second half, it would've been another "perfect" day. I don't want to spend time on details, because you know what things I am focusing on every day. I did it all and I am pretty satisfied :) Notable thoughts and observations: I want to talk about my willpower. I realized this is the first time in my life that I rely on raw will, and I am really proud of myself. Back when I was a high achiever and studied for hours every day, it wasn't my will that was keeping my going, it was 1) passion and 2) ego. Passion for what I was doing, I was really excited to come to university and do my best and learn about things that interest me. Ego, because when passion couldn't keep me going for a bit, it was my ego that said "keep going", "you will be the best", "you will be great", "you are better than others", "they keep wasting their time and you are studying", et cetera. My favorite places to study/read where caf├ęs, because there I could light my cigarette and easily see others wasting their time. I could see myself in their reflection, looking all great and intellectual. It kept my juices going. I had a lot to prove to myself and to others, mostly to others, I needed to keep up my image. If I stayed on that course I think I would end up being that person who talks of himself in 3rd person every so often. Now, for a multitude of different unrelated reasons neither passion nor ego remained. I think passion is latent at the moment, and probably will come back as soon as I feel a little bit more secure and when I get to some new challenges. Ego is crushed and I don't want it back. It is a really bad way to go through life. Daily gratitude: I am grateful for all the beauty that exists in this world and for all the good people who try to make it a better place every day. Edit: @Ikar I totally agree on what you said about greed being akin to addiction! Sadly, modern psychology classifies something as a disorder or an illness only if it is an obstacle to success. If a person is "functional" (read - if they are accepted in their social circles, and productive at their jobs, and they are satisfied with themselves) that means they are healthy, which is tragically misguided.
  25. @Erik2.0 This is a great thing to hear! Congratulations on being sober for this long, I wish you all the strength and discernment to never start abusing again. I quit smoking a year and a half ago, and I intend to be smoking-free for life. @Ikar Life needs balance. There is such a wide variety of psychological needs that we should take care of (in a healthy way) that I am convinced any type of "one-sided" living will result in problems after a while. A couple of my extended family members invested almost all they've got into their professions, they've made themselves successful but they are pretty unhappy now that they are in their 40s. There is a lot of reasons why you remind me of a younger version of myself. This is almost exactly what I would say 5-6 years ago, lol. In my experience, I talked that way because I still didn't have a clear picture of myself, didn't know how far I can go (be careful Ikarus, Sun does heat up quicky), nor who I want to become in the end. I am glad I went through those difficult times because it made me more humble and in the end created a more realistic vision of myself. A vision that more openly and realistically recognizes my flaws and celebrates my strengths. Also, when it comes to keeping promises, I decided a few years ago i want to become a man that does rely on and keeps up his promises. I am getting better and better at it.
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