BryanJaz

Day 45 At the halfway point and I'm feeling great with my progress. I have very very few urges and most are ephemeral thought bouts after a dream where I was playing a game or remembering a part of a game in my dream. In the past I feel like these moments would have crippled my momentum but now I just move on from them without shoving them down. There is a real release from the stranglehold that gaming had on my mind especially these past few years. Yesterday, my girlfriend and I talked about what I would want to do after the 90 day detox is over and we both concluded it would be best for me to not go back at all... to see that number climb ever higher. Even though selling my ps4 and games back to gamestop will only give me a fraction of the money it originally costed, it is indeed the best decision I can make. I'm excited to finally be moving past this phase in my life. All the attempts in the past have been worth it but now I am confident that I will continue to be video-game free in the future. It is truly a different lifestyle without gaming. I have read so many books already, started planning and cooking out my meals (which have been much healthier), started intermittent fasting, started meditating daily, started fixing up my grandparents house, started exercising routinely, and I've reconnected with my old friends as well. Honestly, I've tried to start all these things before and there was this feeling of obligation and pressure that always came with it; now I actually want to do all of these different things. I don't feel drawn away from them by a nagging magnetic force in the back of my mind that is storing anticipation to play games later. I feel healthy and much more full of life and although I am apprehensive about getting a 9-5 job I feel like I will actually be able to do it without being morose because I'll finally be able to afford the lifestyle I wish to lead. I'll finally be able to start projects and experiments I've only been able to think about. It will also set me up for pursuing higher education and I won't be totally impoverished during that time. It's so nice to feel like this again after so long, and it's crazy to think that video games were doing that much to pull me down.

Day 38 I am still working on getting internet access at the current place I live but I am sort of thankful it hasn't been hooked up yet so I have a safeguard against relapsing. I feel like my mind is starting to adjust to the absence of gaming stimuli and activities like reading and meditation have a renewed vigor to them. I always felt like when I was gaming that all the other things I would engage in felt lesser, as if there was less joy and color associated with them. I definitely contribute this grey lifelessness to the dopamine overload that one gets from gaming. I also think that when my mind is on said track that I'm constantly looking to feed it different distractions that give me a little boost like YouTube videos, consuming sugary foods and caffeinated drinks. It's like I have to be in this overactive state that just needs to keep going, needs to keep pushing for more and more. Then, the inevitable crash comes around 3 in the morning, forcing me to sleep until 11-12 only to repeat the cycle. I can't believe how long I let myself do that. I don't even remember enjoying it unless I was playing with friends. And I stopped playing with them 5-6 years ago. I'm only on day 38 and I feel as though I am claiming my life back. I have no interest in returning to gaming. I squelch out any lingering fantasies of playing. I look forward to seeing those days count up and up. I feel like I'm returning to myself and I finally won't be split between the "me that games and avoids" and the "me that is motivated and happy". I finished my undergraduate degree all while constantly sabotaging myself with gaming binges. I am looking towards grad school now and I feel like it will be such an augmented experience as I will be fully committed. Gaming really was the only thing that took my focus from school. When I wasn't playing games I thoroughly enjoyed my classes and the subject matter I was learning. It is very exciting to me to be able to look forward with a positive perspective rather than a sullen obligatory mindset.

Day 29 I had a great day yesterday with my family and also ended up getting a lot of stuff done. Without having a pull towards gaming and sitting on my computer I feel like I can accomplish so much more. I think that I want to postpone a job until I am done this detox and just want to start off the new year with a fresh attitude. If by then I want to get a full time job then I can do so willingly, but for now I will just be trying to earn what I can and set myself up for a smooth transition. Today I start to really focus on my diet again. I am hoping that I can reap some strong benefits from this new angle I am taking. It will mostly consist of vegan meals, with about two dinners based around fish. I will also be doing intermittent fasting to help improve my sleep and to aid in weight loss.

Day 27 I am starting a healthier diet this week as well as intermittent fasting and I will hopefully achieve a sense of clear-mindedness after a few weeks. I also hope that I can drop a few pounds and start to burn off some belly fat. My motivation and drive are at a high right now and I am excited to carry this momentum forward to achieve some of my goals and do some exploration. My only real drawback right now is I am conflicted over getting a 9-5 job and working at something which will ultimately bring me down. Even though it would involve chemistry I know that I would not be able to do what I feel I need to do right now for myself. However, at the same time I am broke and I have loans that will start to accrue interest again in 2021. I will need to pay them either way but I think if I can finish this detox and set myself up well enough that getting a 9-5 job may not be that bad. I am very conflicted over this situation. I earn "enough" money right now through doordash but I find it incredibly hard to balance my time as my gf gets done at 4:30 which is about an hour before doordash gets busy (usually). We basically have opposite schedules (if I were to work the hours I need/want to). Again I make "enough" money but it really is hindering. I feel like if I found a good place to work with something that was up my alley with the field of chemistry that I could make it work. As I push forward with this detox I am hoping that I can gain some insight and decide fervently my path forward. Everything with the detox is going well and I haven't had any urges recently.

Day 26 No recent urges, no real drawbacks this last week. I feel like I'm doing really well so far with this detox. Unfortunately, I can't find the amazon gift card I was going to use as a reward for my first 30 days without gaming but I might end up just choosing something small to buy for myself. I feel like learning to reward myself is actually crucial with this recovery process as establishing a new mental reward system is needed to replace the "fix" from games. I feel like as the days pass I'm more and more aware of myself and what I've become. With gaming, I let my health slip out of my hands and my posture, extra fat around my waist, mental fog, and body aches all remind me of how little I was investing into my health, especially in the last year. I really want to focus on these aspects of my life again with true intent. I want to trim this fat off and return to a healthier state. I understand now that calisthenics and yoga are going to be my focus when it comes to exercise. Weight-lifting is far too strenuous on my joints and I don't have the mobility in any of my major joints to lift properly. I also feel much better after a calisthenics workout versus after a lift. I think I want to choose a focus for the next 30 days as well so I begin to build better habits one at a time. Since I already semi-started to focus on my diet I think it would be best to do weight loss as the focus. I will need to track everything and perhaps I can use these entries as a weekly tracker.

Day 24 I've been staying at a different house that doesn't have internet which means my journal entries are going to be less frequent than I originally wanted. However, we are looking to buy internet soon and I will be back to daily journals. It's been 24 days since I played a game, honestly it flew by after the first week. I feel like a weight has been lifted and continues to lift with each passing day that I stick to the detox. The only real craving I have had to play was when my brother bought a new 4k TV from best buy and I imagined the epicness of Dark Souls 3 on the screen; but this soon faded...as I realized that the thought was what was giving me the feeling of enjoying the game, not the game itself if that makes sense. I intend to sell my PS4 once this 90 days is up so I am not giving into these anticipatory cravings for playing on the new TV. I have instead been reading quite a lot in this brief period of time and want to continue this habit into the future. I want a balance between fantasy books for fun and uplifting, informative books for education and self-improvement. I have found this is a good recipe for me as either genre becomes slightly stale if it is the only thing I am reading. I also wish to begin writing on a daily basis in a personal journal. I want to continue these journals as well as possibly starting a blog. I have plans that I am developing for my future and I need to get them in writing. For now, however I am very grateful to this website/community for helping me overcome this addiction. I am grateful for the people that have read/commented on my posts and I will begin to return the favor soon. I am looking forward to seeing how things continue to play out for me as the 90 days roll forward.

Day 21 I haven't had power at my house nor access to internet for the last week. Although I have wanted to journal this was sort of a blessing because it made me spend much more time away from not only gaming but devices/internet. I wasn't wasting time on YouTube or watching an endless amount of movies. In fact I read a lot which made me feel great but also reaffirmed my faith in using reading as a substitute for fantasy immersion through gaming/TV. I also started alternating between yoga and calisthenics for my exercise which has uplifted and destressed me as well as making me crave healthier foods. I had a great few days with my family and my gf and I feel much better about my situation now. Video games, as much as I can sometimes enjoy them, feel like they need to totally exit from my life. Perhaps there will be a day in the future that I want to play them again but keeping with this detox, I feel like I won't want to start them up again in any capacity. I am struggling for money and I don't really want to jump into a job yet so I feel like after the 90 day period I'm going to sell my ps4/games and trade-in my laptop which will give me a bit of extra cash to save. I haven't felt really any draw towards games in the last week either which is good. I'm not looking back on the "good ol' days'" or fantasizing about times when I can just caffeine-out and game all day. In fact, it's the opposite I feel like I am looking forward to building and developing myself instead of a character in a game. My posture also feels much better and from only 3 yoga sessions... Once I hit 30 days I am going to get myself a small reward with an amazon gift card I received for graduation. I would also like to start commenting on some other people's journals once I hit 30 days. It might just be a personal quirk but I never feel "qualified" or justified commenting on another's progress until I feel solid in my own. I also believe that after 30 days I am going to start tracking my progress in building a better me, through these journals. My gf and I have already planned out our meals for this next week (up until the weekend) and are gonna go shopping for them later. I will be getting up with her in the mornings so my sleep improve. But I want to add in some meditation and see how that goes. I believe 30 minutes will be best to start. Things are looking much better and I know now, without a doubt gaming is a core part of what drags me down and deflates my being. That certainty in knowing something is toxic and the confidence in expunging the toxin is something that took awhile to really move into but I am so grateful for all the attempts I made in the past and the journey that I am now taking.

Day 16 Today was a decent day. I had a roughish morning with my gf but we ending up resolving our issue and moving on. I was able to do yoga in the morning which I believe set my day up for success. I have a vision for the person I wish to be, for habits I wish to cultivate, and a lifestyle I wish to have. I know yoga and meditation are integral in this vision. I have tried a plethora of different activities and I always feel that the most profound ones that I keep coming back to are yoga, meditation, being outdoors, writing, and reading. Without video games it's like a weight has been lifted and I can really devote myself to each of these different activities. The urges are still present and seem to come in waves but I'm generally preoccupied for most of the day which really helps to take my mind away from them. I honestly see these urges to play as more of a want to explore fantasy realms through a role-playing experience than wanting to sit and play a game. Like I said in my last post, I think I can channel the fantasy needs into reading and the role-playing needs into drawing or writing. I remember that part of respawn was substitution and since gaming "checked off so many boxes" I'll need to have a variety of replacement activities for each of these "boxes". This time around, with my detox, I actually feel really excited about getting into these activities, whereas before I kind of felt a pressure to be this newly transformed person...it really does take time and patience for change to happen.

Day 15 I missed quite a few days again, but no fear not no relapse. I have watched a few videos on video games which I am not proud of but those moments have been infrequent. I have been very busy with helping my family and I think that has helped me stay away from the screens. The two week mark is always tough for me because I begin to crave that dopamine release more intensely. I have felt those cravings but I've been good about just continuing with my day. I have been reading WAY more and want to continue that into the future. I'd like to honestly just take a break from screens in general as well as video games and I think once the detox is over I will get sell my laptop and start to write journal entries in a diary. Once I have some time off I'll probably get a chromebook and just ensure that I don't get hooked on watch YouTube or Netflix once that happens. I think that with reading I can do myself a good service of taking some elements that I like about gaming and channeling them into books. I love the fantasy genre and I get the same excited feeling when I'm at the bookstore that I would get if I were at gamestop. It feels like a solid transition point and I'm glad I found a nice substitute.

Day 11 It is always a battle within me to do that (change while at a distance from him) or to just appease for now. I usually choose the latter because at the end of the day I feel very sorry for him. Between my siblings and me, I'm pretty much the only one who tries to include him and/or is relatively honest with him. My brother lived in another country for 2+ years before his "marriage" imploded and he never even told my dad he was 1) married 2) having a baby 3) moving to another country until a few months AFTER he left. My sister doesn't even consider my dad family at this point. I feel like I've been put in a terrible position because I can't just leave him to himself even though it causes me to soak up so much negativity when I'm around him. He has nobody left from his family and even if it's not the best relationship I feel like I can't just move away. I need to be more firm in how I deal with him and stand my ground better but I don't want to leave. I'm even apprehensive at the thought of moving to get my Ph.D. in another state because when I went away the first time, on the first day of classes my grandpa died. All I had wanted to do was get a little away from home (I was about 2 hours away) and I found myself coming home every weekend because I couldn't deal with the loss. My dad is super unhealthy and meets all the criteria for someone who wouldn't be able to fend off covid-19. It sucks, it really does, but I feel like I have a responsibility to keep trying to be there for him because everyone else doesn't want to. On another note, I am nearing that two week mark...the point at which my relapses frequent. I always seem to lament on the golden days of gaming during these times because I guess when I was actually playing I forgot how it used to be. I forgot that games were sooooo much better in the past and everything wasn't a blatant cash grab. Developers had passion and didn't sellout to companies for profit. I want to leave it all behind. I don't have any real desire to play again, it's all just echoes from past joys. I feel like I want to throw myself into chemistry and science as well as mastering the body. I want to learn about the different organic compounds found in nature and their interactions/mechanisms with the different moving parts in their surrounding environments. I want to be able to do a handstand without using a wall for balance. I want to be able to do a flip/backflip from the ground. I'd like to be flexible and mobile. I know what I want to do moving forward and I know that if I can commit fully to these 90 days, I doubt I will want to go back to games at all. Today is day 11 and I feel like it is time to plan out the real changes I want to see in my life. Once I past the 2 week threshold, enough sludge will have passed so I can start to restore my life's balance a step at a time.

Day 10 I, again, got up late after a night of drinking some vodka. I have no idea why I started occasionally drinking but it's a terrible choice for me. I know that it is partially because I have free access to the alcohol in my house, which always has some reserves. Today, I have been ordered to help my dad again, wherein I do all the work and he just talks. If there was ever a way to push someone away, my dad best exemplifies this trait. So, for the hell of it, I'm gonna grab some caffeine and go to work, pressure-washing/painting/cleaning/moving/etc... What a fun day

Day 9 I think it might be best for me to switch my goal for this week to getting up early and starting my day with these journals. It's supposed to be rainy all week and my normal spot to workout in, is full of stuff for my dad's party thing. I have been getting up way too late anyways and I feel like it would be better to start with waking up early just to reclaim the day. I always wake up feeling so heavy, not just physically but mentally as well. My head feels like a balloon and that denseness under my eyes just has a bad feeling to it. I don't want to miss any more days of journaling because that is how this begins to slip out my control again, that is how relapse happens... On another note, I am almost done my book and it is a phenomenal read. I will probably pick the next book in the series up in a few days and hopefully I will be able to see my one friend who wants to hike and discuss the series, relatively soon. He wants to hike with another person who I would consider my best friend, although nowadays I don't even like thinking about him. Our friendship is so strained, the last few times we have hung out or talked have ended in a weird argument where it's as if he hears absolutely nothing I have to say and when I genuinely ask direct questions he can't really give an answer, he just deflects. I don't know if our friendship was always toxic but it sure feels like it is now. It always feels like I am being criticized or attacked for something I say or do, and when I try to offer up my perspective he basically says I'm either in denial, I'm lying, or my excuses are invalid. I wish I was kidding... For example, I got sucked into classic WoW last year (around this time actually), and was leveling a warrior. I was at about level 50 and was investing way too much time into the game, so I was feeling burned out. But I like to finish things (I don't feel the need to finish everything but I get a sense of satisfaction from merely finishing a task, if you read any recent posts this would apply to that damned railing as well), so I sometimes describe myself as a completionist. Again, it's more of a loose definition just in the fact that I enjoying finishing things, whatever they may be. Anyways, my friend had hopped online and was on a character somewhere around level 20 or so but decided he wanted to make a new character with some other friends. He messaged me and said something like "wow you're already level 50..." The conversation carried for a bit before I said something like, " yea I kind of went crazy for these last few weeks and need to take a break. But I really just want to get to 60 and will probably quit afterwards (which I did). Its just the completionist in me". For some reason this self-description triggered a 4 hour argument where he felt like he was being attacked by me calling myself a completionist. Nowhere did I even mention his character or really anything about him. I tried like 400 different times to say that I was just saying I wanted to get to 60 because I enjoying finishing things. That I did not have any intentions of putting him down or making him feel like I was somehow attacking him for never finishing things (his words). I ended up just yielding and letting him believe that by calling myself a completionist I was subconsciously attacking him because he doesn't follow through with things (again, his words). I don't know how many times I said that I had no intentions of making him feel bad but he just couldn't accept that, saying that I was lying about the situation. This was one of our arguments in a nutshell. The rest of them proceed pretty much the same way. When I told my girlfriend about all of these she described him as being extremely insecure and manipulative. It took awhile for that to sink in but it's true. Maybe I'll write out the other arguments for clarity on the situation. It's just really unfortunate because we've known each other since we were 3 and his aunt and uncle raised him because his parents abandoned him. I don't want to just drop off of the face of the Earth in regards to our friendship but I honestly don't want to engage with his presence at all anymore. It gets under my skin that I have to pacify myself just to make sure he doesn't take something the wrong way. And I can't bring up anything from the past because he is incredibly delusional. He once told me he didn't want to be friends with me anymore because I didn't want to start Dungeons and Dragons with him (another 4+ hour argument ending in the same result). I feel like I should have just walked away... Man, when video games are stripped away all the crap I'm holding in really comes full circle back to me.

Day 7 I woke up at 12, because I stayed up late watching my first ppv UFC fight which was awesome because the fights were sick and the people I wanted to win...did (and in good fashion). Then I did some Doordash and took my gf and her best friend on a good hike (more intense than I anticipated haha) and we got dinner and DQ. Overall, it was a great day besides the extremely late start. The first week without gaming has gone well and my motivation to stay committed is strong. The only really rough day was the end of day 5 which I didn't do a journal entry for. I got really sad thinking back to the days when I'd say I really got into gaming. I had played a lot of different games before but when I started WoW and LoL, these were games that really put me into the gaming lifestyle. They require so much time and are very addicting with their own respective appeals that once you start down that road you become a gamer. You don't really notice how much time you spend sedentary, in front of computer, eating quick meals and ignoring sleep. Especially as a kid, you don't see how harmful it is for your body...until you do. I have never been out of shape or really had more than 10% bodyfat. I always had defined abs and was a 30-32" waist up until this last year. I put on about 30lbs and haven't consistently worked out in years, truthfully. I'm not in terrible shape and am by no means overweight but I'm unhappy with how much fat I've accumulated and how little I exercise right now. I know its affecting me in many different ways and I think I want to use this time to reinvigorate my exercising spirit. I want to cut out all the nasty crap I've been consuming and get back to a healthy lifestyle. I am back to being pescatarian and I would like to start intermittent fasting for real this time as a way to work back to prime health. I think if I can work, week by week, to slowly return to working out and eating right that it will coincide nicely with this 90 day gaming detox. For this upcoming week I would like to start working out again. My goal will be to workout daily for about an hour in whatever way I feel I want to. A long hike, jumping rope, yoga, calisthenics, running...really anything. I just want to get an hour in daily as a reboot, and I will use a paragraph or even a sentence of these journals to just record what I have done for that day. I know that I want to do a liver cleanse, something I had done a few times about 4 years ago which helped in many ways flush my system out and ultimately set me up to seek out healthy choices in my diet. So I will be purchasing that for the week after this one as my next step in returning to a healthy lifestyle.

Day 6 Well so much for not feeling strong urges, I knew yesterday would be tough and it was but I made it through. I ended up being stuck at my house as my car had a flat and I was waiting for my stepdad to get home as he offered to help me fix it. He ended up getting home around 7 and then we fixed it. I spent pretty much all day reading my book which I am really invested into. I also spent some time with my sister and niece and it was really nice except for the bugs. However, later into the evening I spent some time on YouTube and couldn't help but watch a recommended video which was a WoW Wotlk soundtrack video for Howling Fjord. It's like self-torment listening to the music from those zones, the nostalgia and wish to return to those days makes me dreadfully sad. But I also like to think about those days...I don't know...nostalgia is abstract. I kept thinking back about how much I missed those days, the first days I ever played WoW back when it was actually fun and immersive. Leveling my first character was such a beautiful journey, it's as if everything about the game just had an extra spark of joy to it. It made me think of how games used to be, as opposed to nowadays. Something is definitely gone from them, something that made them special. I can undoubtedly say that the special part is tied into my experience of these games. In other words, I was much younger and life was definitely simpler in those days. However, I've noticed that just about everybody else who has played these games feels the same way which is why WoW Classic is so popular. Anyways, I always seem to send my mind backwards thinking about the "glory days" of gaming when I decide to do a detox. It definitely impedes my ability to let go of gaming and kind of drags me down. I always feel like I'm looking backwards thinking about the "what ifs" and I'm totally sure if there is a way to remedy this or if I just need to let this time pass and not be so moved by the past. My past feels like something I want to rush back to in order to avoid what is directly in front of me. Even though my life was much less my own before, I at least had a stable structure, had some time to do what I wanted, and was around lots of people. Now, life just feels like it is based around bullshit and my hand is forced to participate in one form or another. I guess the avoidance and escape from reality has more sway than I realized. I can't help but feel a bit trapped. Yesterday was a reminder that I need to stay out of my house/room for most of the day. I also need to start eating better, sleeping better, and exercising. That will be my focus next week as well as bringing in some income.

Day 4 I appreciate all of the posts, thank you guys for helping me start this journey off again. I overslept again and it's kind of something I'm not too upset with right now but also I don't want to let it get out of control. I'm kind of stuck on this railing project and it is killing my motivation to do other things like make money which I really need to do. I want to try to finish it today for good and just move on to doing things I want/need to do. I feel that I'm in a much better position than I was last week as I was still in that downward spiral of gaming and neglecting my needs. I have been reading a lot more lately which really helps put my mind at ease and the book is phenomenal so I genuinely enjoy the read. I really need to do some stretches and exercise though, I feel like my mood would improve even more and I would probably sleep better so I could wake up earlier. Either way I'm feeling good and I'm not experiencing any real strong urges to game. I was watching LOTR (my favorite movies) and thinking about how I do miss the RPG journey type games, however none exist that come close to the experience I would want so it wasn't like an urge but more of a fantasy about...fantasy haha. I think I will try my best to do some stretches and exercise after I finish the railing and will try to read a good chunk more of my book. This first week feels more about just focusing on staying steady, whereas next week I would like to plan out some future goals/habits and try to pace out when I want to implement them. I also want to try and give myself some dates for when I trade this laptop in for a laptop that can't play games.

Day 3 Yea so I had an encounter where I put my foot down and spoke my mind to my dad. However, what came after was something I feel like I never want to experience or engage with again. It ended up being my dad and me just shouting at each other about stuff that happened in the past for a few hours and me learning that he lives in complete denial. I felt sick after and decided that it is better to take the high road and be helpful when necessary to avoid utter calamity. You are correct, though, I have trouble discerning when to lend a hand and when to say no and that leads to many situations like the one I am currently in. It really is a skill and I feel like I've never considered it like that. For today, I am continuing this damn railing quest and hopefully I will be able to finish a good portion of it. My dad finally gave me the go ahead to use a high powered drill and just grind away the paint with a metal wheel. I will honestly be super satisfied when this is all over just in finishing the task. As for gaming, I get little bursts of alluring thoughts where I envision some rpg game and making a cool character and just getting cool gear, ya know the typical fantasy driven dorky stuff. But, I have been trying to capture the feeling that comes with the thought and yesterday I definitely noticed that I get like a fluttery cool sensation that starts in my lower abdomen and climbs to my chest. It's extremely brief but it's definitely associated with excitement. I'm not too hung up on trying to figure out what these sensations mean, more so I care about simply being aware of them happening. It is really fascinating how these thoughts translate into feelings and I think it is helpful for me personally to keep track of them. It's only day 3 but this detox feels very different from the others I have attempted and I believe that is because I am not in school. No deadlines just trying to make some money when I can. My built-up stress is now something I can put a lot more focus into helping and in that I feel like I can dedicate truly to this detox.

Day 2 Thank you all for the posts, and yea I had a nice talk with her and I tried to describe how and why I have been feeling the way I have. I think it honestly comes down to stress and not having any outlets right now. I feel worn out and tired yet I haven't worked out in a long time. I told her I feel like I'm at maximum capacity and I'm about to overload because I keep getting pulled in all these different directions by the people in my life and I would like to just step away for a little while. Initially, she never reacts well to me saying I need some space and time to think about things in my life but eventually we break ground and she understands. It's almost that I've been mistreating myself for awhile and not attending to my needs (exercise, meditation, diet, exploration, and expression) that I have begun to take advantage of our relationship which I care very deeply for. It stinks to admit it, but I find that I know I am really independent and not only enjoy but need time for myself and that doesn't always sit well with a significant other. I agree with the new strategy as well, I always feel like I lean on league as that ol' trusty fix that will be there whenever I want it to but I absolutely hate that game now and my habit of getting stuck in its world. I feel like staying out of the house is my best physical action to not game but mentally I need to strengthen my approach. It's always two weeks after not playing that the dopamine kicks in to push me back to play. I start to fantasize about waking up, consuming a ton of caffeine (I don't drink coffee normally, or take caffeine of any sort), watching twitch streamers and just gaming all day. By the end of those days I'm starving, I ache all over my body from sitting with poor posture, and I end up uninstalling league...only to reinstall the next day. And I realize now that the anticipation is what really keeps me stuck. It just stinks because without games I feel like I have nothing to look forward to for myself. I always do what others want and make time to help my family and friends and kind of just jump on their plans. My gf and I do a lot of fun stuff on the weekends as well. But I feel like I have nothing reserved for myself that really excites me. Nothing like gaming has at least. I give a lot of my energy to others around me and it feels like when I need to keep some for myself I don't know what to do besides game because it's so enticing and readily available. I don't even enjoy it for very long though which is the craziest part. Like it builds so much anticipation and lust then I play for an hour and that feeling is gone and I'm just mildly entertained. It is very frustrating. Especially now because I game alone, I don't have any friends that play games as a group anymore. It's my reserved alone time and it just ends up being self-destructive and buries me down in a depression rather than revitalizing me. That's why I know I need to quit, the journey just unnerves me since there will inevitably be days with intense cravings and seemingly endless boredom. But I'm firmly fixated on succeeding this time. I just have to conquer the mental obstacles and plan out how to rid myself of any technology that will draw me back to the game. On another note, today I feel like I slept too long and my body aches from old injuries and poor sleeping posture. My head and under my eyes feel like there is extra weight in them. After I write this I will be trying to finish a project I took up to help my dad. Unfortunately, his instructions did not play out as intended. I am trying to strip multiple coats of paint off an old metal railing and it's about as frustrating as you can imagine. I've never done this before and I am not getting any help from anyone except my stepdad who is giving me some different tools to try. I tried multiple coats of the (highly toxic) chemical stripper and it helped a little but yesterday I just decided to use a window scraper to chip off the paint. It worked somewhat well but took forever and I wasn't able to get in the small grooves so the railing just looks like crap now and still can't be repainted. This job feels like a metaphor for my struggles and I don't want to quit until I get it done right. I feel like it ties in to my gaming addiction and how that feels directly related to my dad. I feel like I try to do things to help him because if I don't then nobody will. I know what it's like to need help and not get any. But as my family and my gf confirm, my dad doesn't really ask, he just expects. It sucks because my brother always ends up leaving me with the task of helping while he's off doing his thing (his excuse is valid this time, but the timing is just too coincidental and I don't believe in coincidences). I'm the youngest and it feels like I constantly get put in situations that my siblings find a way to avoid and they all deal with my dad. This railing and the help I am giving at my grandparent's place is just another circumstance that reinforces what I just said...and it sucks. My gf says that it always happens to me because I'm dependable and reliable so my dad will keep taking advantage knowing that I will be there, whereas my brother and sister aren't. And it's crazy because my dad loves my brother and lets him off on everything but rags on me for getting a 3.9 instead of 4.0 in my senior year of undergrad chemistry. My brother left halfway through a semester without telling anyone and got a 0.0 gpa and he just gets left off the hook. And for some fucking reason I feel determined to make this railing perfect...for a person who doesn't appreciate it. It makes me want to just get up and go. Even just writing it out reaffirms that I use gaming to escape. But I know I need the escape because this type of crap always makes me...well feel like crap. And I end up investing so much time and effort into it...again for no real reason. What can I do about this stuff? It's more deeply rooted than just enjoying gaming and being addicted to the game. Gaming "checks so many different boxes" that I feel like I'm fighting as one person against an army of past actions.

Day 1 Well it certainly has been awhile since I have been on this website but alas I am back. 2020 has been a hell of a year so far and for me I felt I was making good strides toward finding a balance with video games. My gaming addiction has always felt to be more in the realm of computer games. I hadn't had a console for about 7 years before getting a switch last year. I had the switch for about a year before I sold it as I was again tired of playing games (especially super smash). I no longer wanted to be sucked in to the endless chasm of super smash games where 5-6 hours go by and it feels like you've only been playing for 10 or so matches... Anyways, after selling my switch for some reason I came back to my worst gaming addiction enemy, League of Legends. I was starting my last semester of undergrad, and I had 20 credits which included many tough classes as I majored in chemistry. I also had a research project that I had chosen to do for fun. I played for a few weeks, got extremely frustrated with myself and decided that to vanquish this LoL demon once and for all I needed to take unique steps that actually included playing games...different games. I decided that I wanted a ps4 and I ended up getting one for my birthday. It was actually amazing for awhile...I had a lot of fun playing games that I had always wanted to (like Spiderman and God of War) and I had no craving for LoL. It lasted 5 months... I graduated in May, and with covid everything was just a mess. I was extremely stressed out and my gf had been living with me for that entire semester throughout quarantine as well. Unfortunately, it definitely took a toll on us and recently I have been feeling less and less attracted to her. I don't even totally know why... In lieu, of these feelings I decided to play LoL again and this time I was back to playing 6-7 hours from late night into early morning (9pm-3am). I got a job for 3 days and nearly had a panic attack which is not something I have ever dealt with before. I feel like I completely fell back to how I was before, where my gaming addiction was the only thing in my life. I felt dominated by impulses and its hilarious because I absolutely hate LoL now and I don't play with anyone. I play alone, no friends and I ignore people who add me. I reached a breaking point where I was fighting with my gf as she didn't want me to play and I was literally saying "just one game" like holy shit...if that's not tell-tale addiction I don't know what is. I have now come full circle and will be starting a 90-day no gaming of any sort detox and will be committing totally to it. Right now, my plan is to trade-in this laptop for a chromebook or something with weak processing power that can't run any type of games. My ps4 is currently not at my house and I use it for movies which actually works out. It is not hooked up to the internet and I truly don't have any urges when it comes to that. I feel like I have gotten my ps4 gaming streak out of my system and will be able to do this 90 day detox without returning it. Perhaps afterwards I will but for right now I am okay with it being where it is. My real goal with this is to finally squelch out LoL from my mind and my life. I have no interest in playing the game and I just want its terribly ultra-addictive toxic pull on me to release. I feel like without LoL in my life I can start to pursue all of the wonderful activities I really do enjoy like martial arts, chemistry (and any science really), reading fantasy novels like the Stormlight Archive by Brandon Sanderson (which I highly recommend btw), yoga/meditation, and to go hiking/camping around the U.S. I have made great strides with my gaming addiction in the last 5 years of my life but I feel like now is the moment that I can finally break the addiction and choose to lead a better life for myself. I have laid a much stronger foundation for myself and I believe in myself whole-heartedly this time. I think my key to success will be managing cravings and staying out of my room for as long as possible in a day. To Moving Forward...

Day 5 Haven't really had a strong urge to game in the last few days, however I have put off all of my work and skipped another class which is really not good. Last year I got into a really good rhythm with school work but last semester I really wasn't in it and it has affected my first 2 weeks of this semester. A trigger to game for me is stress and it's like deadlines for school allow me to pile up pressure and stress to the point where I just need to escape. In the past, gaming provided the release for so long that its almost like I paradoxically crave the stress to create enough potential for me to justify gaming to release stress. It's a weird loop... Yet, today I got back into doing some work and it felt really good. It was a release in itself and I didn't see the "stress" in doing the work as much as I saw an opportunity to grow and learn. I like what I'm learning as some is review (that I need) but most is challenging and new, diving deeper into things that spark my curiosity. Even though it is quite simple to defy the autopilot mindset to go and game, I find it is really the most challenging part of this whole transition. For years I have struggled and will continue to struggle (hopefully less and less) to do what I actually enjoy doing...(chemistry/science) for something that fills these short-term needs (gaming) even though I don't even enjoy my time with it. It really is perplexing to talking oneself out of what one wants to do, to play a video game one longer likes... I guess that's why it is considered an addiction, and admitting that I have one has truly been a daily task. Identity, I think that is a driving factor for myself personally. I never considered myself a gamer and never liked for anyone else to be consider me as one. My dad made my gaming habit out to be "the worst thing in the world," as if I had traded wrestling to play games...I wonder what it would have been like if he actually encouraged gaming. Would it ever have gotten so out of balance? Anyways, I feel like identity has been a struggle for me for awhile, not in the sense of what I present to the world, I only superficially care about that; rather the way I view myself relative to my past, how I feel in the moment with others around, and where my current path leads me on...I care about that type of identity. What carries through and is it someone I want to be/can be. Is it someone who feels grounded and whole...because past transgressions and the subsequent habits I created (gaming) have always been a game in themselves. One of filling an emptying hole, that I feel like is painfully visible when another person peers into my eyes. A tug of war between desperate attempts to ascend my current version and a lonely, depraved shadow that doesn't know anything about itself but just craves shit... I feel like a lack of a grounded and wholesome identity has kept me in the cycle. I guess it really is powerful and stabilizing to know thyself.

Day 2 Thanks, I really need advice like that...it helps center my intent in a wholesome way rather than a frantic "need to quit" mindset. Today I have no classes which is the easiest way for me to just fall back into video games and end up losing the weekend. Instead I shall approach each day with an attitude grounded in that day and that day only. I think when I see large gaps of time without hard obligations (work, school, family stuff, etc.) I get this perspective that it's enough time to just throw away and do nothing for awhile because at the same time it's not enough time to start and finish a project or something of relatively large magnitude...which is why gaming was always the first place I went to. That sense of progression that is always chewable but never gets you full and there is always more. So instead this weekend I will just try to focus on each day itself and see what I can accomplish in the day and repeat for the next day. It doesn't sound significant but I feel like it will have a strong impact on these first few weeks of not gaming. For today, I am gonna go shower and get lunch with my girlfriend and then I will work on some homework for differential equations and possibly physical chemistry. I will also buy a book from Cam's list to start reading at night. To finish the night off I want to do some of the Respawn modules and Doordash for a little money.

I failed again, and now I will try again. I've picked up some more information about what keeps pulling me back when I take breaks. The compound, dopamine, gets thrown around a lot these days but it seems like it is well known now that dopamine is the chemical that is released when obtaining a reward (of whatever type) and more importantly when anticipating a reward. The second half really hits home for me as when I stop playing games I get to about two weeks and then I get a free day or free chunk of time and instantly I start seeking out pleasurable activities and stimulants in the form of video games, caffeine, pre-made food, and sex/masturbation. I can see it in my mind...the moments when dopamine, feels "activated" and then i swoop back into a lifestyle I absolutely loathe and end up wasting a day and feeling like shit the next. I know that willpower is not the best "thing" to invoke for an addict but it feels like if I can give it one last push with all my effort, I can be free of this addiction...in the sense that when the feeling to play arises I will be able to let it pass and move forward with my life. I have found a direction that I love in chemistry and will be looking for a job after graduation this May and honestly it feels like if I can muster the will to change my habits now I will be setup for a high level of success and enjoyment in my life in the near future. I am gonna go back through the modules and take them seriously as well to keep this journal a daily habit. I will also look for information and help from "TheHealthyGamer's" YouTube channel and keep some more resources flowing. I think picking up a book on addiction will do me better than a book on habits as I am definitely addicted to video games and need a stronger set of information to work with as well as a new perspective. Tonight and tomorrow I will plan and this weekend will be a true test because these open days are when I really struggle with not installing LoL and playing again. Cheers to moving forward.

12/22/2019 I hit that two week mark and fell right off again. I stopped doing these daily journals and thought that I could handle it on my own...again. It started by playing League again, I noticed an email from riot games for one of my accounts that I thought was deleted so I installed and away I went. I've played consistently for about the last month and this time I could really tell it was stress related. I was nearing the end of my semester and as usual it was a time of great uncertainty and procrastination. The funny thing is I always end up doing fine and this time it's like video games and filling my time with them was way more stressful than the actual school work. I worried so much and ended up with a 3.95 as a senior chemistry major... I want this to be over, the flip-flop between my better life and the my life with video games. I sold my nintendo switch and my DS broke...the only real game I have to kick now is League. But it keeps pulling me back for some reason; I don't even enjoy it 99% of the time. I just uninstalled again and I really just want to move on as I know that I will not want to play any games once I have a job out of college. My plan is to do a complete screen detox this winter break. The only time I will use my laptop is to finish transferring credits and to apply for graduation. I will not watch any shows and will try my absolute best to not watch movies even with family. I will have my phone on me to Doordash but I have never had a problem with controlling my "phone time" anyways given that I don't have any social media. I will use this winter break to make some money, hang out with family, do some exploration of myself and get ready for my last semester as an undergrad. I also want to use this time to get my diet and exercise back in gear. Along with gaming, I am in the worst shape of my life and have so many injuries I need to address I can't just put them off with League anymore. So this is it, starting tomorrow I will be taking a 30 day break from screens in general and will continue video game free for the rest of my life. I know it will be extremely difficult, this addiction goes pretty damn deep and I know that I will have a lot of agitation and fear creep to the surface but I know I am strong enough to push through and I will not hesitate to ask family/friends for help when I need it. For this to really work, I need a plan as well as to make sure I commit wholeheartedly. Since I played League a good bit today, I know that tomorrow morning I will want to just jump back on and forget this. Instead I will make the long drive to my girlfriends and pick her up to hang out for the day and introduce her to my sister's family. Even though it's a lot of driving I know I would rather just get out of the house than to allow myself to go back to gaming. I will also put away my laptop tonight and will keep my desk free of a computer. In regards to this journal, I am going to do a daily handwritten journal for these first 30 days to make sure that I don't go to my computer early in the morning or at night. I might choose a few worthy journals to upload here once I am done with the detox but I think it is best to not let myself get into a routine where I go to sit at my computer. It's been awhile since I really committed strongly to a better life for myself and I know that I can do it, it's just time to stop putting it off. I think one of the biggest issues with why I keep coming back is that I really need to allocate time to be alone as I enjoy it and it allows me to recharge but for so long I have just been using alone time to play video games and it now has hindered my ability to be alone at all. To combat this magnetism to be alone and just game out, I feel like I need some communities to connect with. Just having support outside of the house and places where I feel like I am welcome and wanted and thought of would do wonders to keeping me away from gaming. I think a good martial arts gym/dojo would be the best place to start. I don't think that I can allow myself to just end a day at 4:30 or so and head back home after classes or whatever. I think that I will have to make sure my day goes right through to the late evenings in order to prevent a bad decision. It feels like a lot but I know I have a lot to give I just need new vessels to dump my energy into. I have so many interests but overcoming that inertia to start a new hobby/activity is really hard for me as I am a thinker through and through. But if I can just push harder I think I will get to where I want to be. Tomorrow it begins, and this time I am not giving up on myself. Time to really move forward with my life, free from video games.

11/10/2019 Day 12 As my second week of no-gaming rounds out I am beginning to feel better each day. I have been going to bed/getting up earlier. I have been eating better and planning out my meals to eat more consistently. I have had caffeine only once this week which was today while I was working outside in the yard. I have gotten caught up on all of my homework and have felt much more in sync with my classes and school responsibilities. I have also started stretching daily and occasionally meditating for half an hour to relax, calm my mind, and reduce stress. Overall, it's like a weight is slowly being lifted off of me. My only issue I really have seen this week is that I still watch videos of League of Legends and World of Warcraft from YouTubers that I have always watched. I feel like this is really bad and it definitely tempts me back into playing games if only for a moment. I think I need to outlaw this because it feels like I'm cheating but only in the sense that I am still occupying my mind with these games. I don't watch for more than 10 minutes and I skip around on the video but the familiarity and little buzz from watching the things that feel good in-game (killing a minion, or casting spells) are definitely pushing me towards restricting YouTube. It's not a terrible thing and I haven't done it everyday but I think it is time to create a new email/YouTube account and to fill it with non-gaming subscriptions. This will also limit my time watching videos which I feel can be a great waste of time but is something I tend to do while I eat/when I need a small break. Again, I don't feel like it is terribly hindering me, but it is nonetheless still hindering as a habit so it needs to go. This next week I am going to try to get a shit ton of my school work done as well as keep my diet steady and healthy. Everyday feels so much better and I feel closer to myself each moment I am without video games. This is 100 percent the right move and I will stay committed.

11/7/2019 Day 9 Today I feel like crap because after consuming too much dairy my bowels are liquid... It's honestly crazy this stuff is like poison to me at certain dosage. I was never this intolerant to dairy growing up but I definitely have gotten worse. This makes me want to return to a very healthy diet that I had cultivated for a little while about a year ago. Without games my brain is slowly returning to an equilibrium in a chemical sense and now I find I am more hungry for better foods. I feel like if I could nail down a healthy diet this winter I will be setup for success in my last semester of college. Maybe this lactose intolerance wake-up call can push me in a better direction...Either way I am just trying to finish this day out strong with my research at school. It is quite slow and monotonous but I had a good amount of time to finish some homework so I'm glad that got finished. I felt a slight pull towards gaming today because it offers such an escape from my issues and there is a new pokemon game coming out for switch that I wanted to try but I will stay strong and commit to this. I feel like I could talk about how after the 90 days it might be okay to try it out, but I am not even letting myself entertain that thought process...

11/6/2019 Day 8 I've been continuing my read of The Power of Habit and the information about keystone habits feels very useful to me. Intuitively, I feel like writing would be a perfect fit for a keystone habit for myself. I am very much a thought-based creature but I tend to just toil around with them in my head. I feel as though writing, whether for purpose or simply to just jot down some notes, could be a great way to "exhale" my thoughts from my mind and keep my head clear. Also, hopefully I will be contacting a therapist soon to see if I can try out a session. I think this might be the best way to overcome some of the more difficult things that have kept me playing video games all these years.