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CharlesGP

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About CharlesGP

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  1. Days detoxing: 29 Destiny 2 shadowkeep is live today. I forgot that I had pre-ordered it. It’s still boxed in and it itches like a mosquito bite. I really want to play it. It’s not giving me anxiety but I feel like I have to swat down excuses like flies. I recently completed a multi year remodeling effort, it had lots ups and downs. It was both physical and mentally demanding. My wife and I are taking a good week long break from a lot of things to just relax and catch up. Naturally my mind says, go game a little to celebrate but I chose to resist the temptation and carry on. I definitely feel a more substantial chance by not gaming. Now that this project is behind me I can focus on things that I like and make better time for those activities that I really enjoy.
  2. Days detoxing: 25 Well past the quarter point and holding strong. The stress management is helping a lot and giving the realization of how the direct proportional amount of stress affects wanting to escape. Looking back at this week I’ve felt more calm and most of my distractions have been minimal. My therapist suggested that when I engage in mindless activities I do it mindfully and not just as a reaction to my environment. This goes in line with doing the activities that encourage rest because video games are such an easy go to. I’m actually really excited about this feeling and changes I’ve experiencing. Evolution is more like it.
  3. Days detoxing: 22 I don’t know if distance made me process the passing of my aunt easier or haven’t processed enough. I don’t think I’ve fully moved on. So far gaming and distractionS have been minimal, it keeps getting easier to say no to the thoughts and temptations. I’ve been reconnecting more and more with my wife and I attribute it to eliminating or reducing big stressors from our day to day and me focusing on evolving. A part of me thinks and wants to game after the detox but I remind myself of the true goal of detoxing, that is to replace games with something that aligns with my true goals in life. Whether that may or not have gaming I simply don’t put that kind of expectation or stress right now. It’s not time to think about that. I’m going to therapy in the next few days and I’m excited to make progress there.
  4. Days detoxing: 17 Yesterday was a good day. I had a date night with my wife, we got a contractor to scope out some work for us and are waiting for the final specs. This will take our house a little closer to our vision. It's already great but we want to give it our touch. Didn't have cravings and distractions are less but still there tempting from a distance. I feel like my brain is resetting slowly and I'm getting flashbacks and memories of how I got on this path long ago. I don't know where that is headed, my hope is a place where the rebuilding I'm doing is strong and healthy. This morning sucks for a really sad reason... One of my dearest and oldest aunt passed away last night rather abruptly from several complications ending in a heart attack. She had been stable and recovering at the hospital. I don't believe in heaven but I sure hope she's there, she deserved it. She was all loving and giving, specially to children. My mother called me this morning, which is rare as she never calls at that time so I had some intuition that something was not ok. I hope she's being welcomed in the next life by her mother, father, husband and the one son that all have passed before her. She's not suffering from those nasty headaches or any of her other ailments. This is not an easy year, I have pause my mourning as I have to work this morning. I'll get out early today.
  5. Days detoxing: 16 The rest of Monday was good, yesterday was mixed. The morning was productive and fulfilling, the evening I experienced significant mood swings, started with irritability, short, then sensitive, mildly depressed. I talked to my wife as I was experiencing this and she helped me a lot by listening and being there. I noticed that when I'm down or experiencing these type of feelings I tend to withhold them and bear through them. On the occasions that I don't, they are easier to navigate. I can identify what triggered my stress and what I can do better is to acknowledge first that the stressor is there and happening. Then I have to either let it go if I can't do anything about it or face it dead on if I can. Just going through the flow doesn't seem to cut it.
  6. Days detoxing: 14 Just as I said that I would journal more I dropped off, hahaha. Well, I didn't do it for gaming. I talked to some counselor's about my state of being, gaming, addictive behavior, etc. It all went well and it's not my first time going to talk to someone. I highly recommend it if anyone can get access to one, some work on pay scales if it's too expensive. It's no different from going for a physical check-up except this is for your mind and thoughts. Some times just talking out loud helps, then you also get feedback and tools so you can navigate your own mental traps. Anyway, in this last period I had a good time in general, I had time to myself, time with my wife and family. In the tubes that I was alone I didn't do anything that would have been a so back in recovery. I could do better at limiting my phone use but did the most part I stayed engaged and aware of the present moment. Last thing in want is to replace one addictive behavior with another, which is why respawn makes a good point of replacing gaming with other things that fulfill certain things. It's nice to have work since I can focus on it easily. When not at work it's a little different only because of choosing what to prioritize and balance it. From a counselor I took the advice to reduce stress and I have an idea of a better approach to responsibilities. A small change in attitude and not letting it the only thing I do for weeks is what I intend to do. I was like a horse with blinds sometimes and neglected myself too much, which in turn neglected everything else. It doesn't mean that I have to do everything to be less stressed things on my own, it means to notice how awesome everything is and remind myself to have fun and purpose.
  7. Days detoxing: 9 9 days is 10% of 90 days. One tenth is much better than nothing, better than staying in a rut, better than not using the time to grow in something significant. I used to run a lot and I would always measure myself in the terms of saying to myself that if I had already accomplished X amount of distance or time then I can do more of the same. Another 9 days, then 18, then 36... It does get easier. In reality, there's so much energy one is spending when you run, in something like detoxing, it's the opposite; you are gaining potential, time and energy for a replacement. It's not without challenges when days are hard, when stress is high and that's when it's important to have a good base. Using the replacement activities help, coming to the support forum, write down and speak out loud the goals of wanting to break these addictive chains. Things are still good and looking back at the year I realize how much I've accomplished and the light at the end of the tunnel of the last of the big projects is close. I almost feel weird that I will have new things to look forward to. I have to still be careful to not replace one distraction with a other and the only acceptable activy is one that makes things better and helps me grow. So far so good.
  8. Days detoxing: 8 I could do better at journaling daily... I'll make an effort to be more diligent and consistent, even for a small entry. Sunday I came back from out of town and something shifted, I was remodeling a house in the evening and I got into this groove. I like working with my hands and making things. Right as I was getting started I felt a pull towards a distraction, like when I was before quitting games but like every other time I tried focusing on my tasks and reassured myself that I was doing something productive and worthwhile. We'll the rest of the night I felt like I was in the zone and I hadn't felt like that in a while. My wife was surprised at the energy and focus that I had. We were both running on low sleep from a super early morning that day so it was interesting to have that drive. The next day I went back to work and felt amazingly good. I was tired and sleep deprived but in excellent moods and I don't really recall having any weird pulls or cravings. Something did shift. It feels like a flat area when you are hoping a hill, just the tiniest of tests but enough to feel what it's like when you are not going up hill. I'm going to see a counselor in a few days and I'm excited to get extra help. Another thing that I remember from yesterday was how confident I felt and I missed that feeling too. Today I'd say it was similar to yesterday, it's not over yet but it feels like 90% of the same. I may not have a pull for games but I do experience pull towards other distractions and I'm ok forgiving myself for having those feelings as long as I don't cave, acknowledge them and am honest about it. It's scary being honest for some reason, I guess I feel shame just by having them and gotten to the place where I have pull myself out. Being the optimist that I am, I try to see it like the experience and lessons I have to learn in this stage of my life and I can either run or grow. I'm choosing to grow.
  9. Days detoxing: 5 No huge cravings, I def don't miss the mobile game that really hooked me with microtransactions, but I saw someone ply Sudoku and missed that. A game is a game no matter the type. I also missed the Divison and Destiny. Like I said I have not had a huge craving toward any game but my mind is trying to fill some sort of void. Maybe it's time or boredom but it doesn't matter. I've been traveling and that's a great experience, which goes to show how much games and addictive behaviors take away from your life just by the mental perception. I know what I need to do because I have not had a chance to do the activities I listed and fill that gap.
  10. Days detoxing: 3 I've cut out video games, most superfluous things that reminded me of video games along with other escapist behaviors that I would use throughout the day. Since then I have been through some emotional ups downs and I as I look back I am proud of the beginning of the change. How I was behaving compared to now is a significant difference. The urges and mind escapes have become less frequent and less intense. When I have them I remind myself of where I want to be and not to figuratively be a lazy ass. It doesn't feel like work when you can feel easy step make a difference.
  11. Days detoxing: 1 I went on a small labor day vacation and on Sunday I relapsed by playing an arcade game with my step sons. I played one game of Halo Fireteam Raven. I knew I was on a detox but still decided to play, and I could enumerate the reasons but they are just excuses. I played and for a while I beat myself up about it but later I forgave my self and sucked it up and started up again on the detox. I really haven't wanted to play games, but I need to strengthen my discipline and avoid giving in to those one-off situations. I'm still charging ahead, no journey is easy and specially one that is worth it. The only way this fails is by giving up.
  12. Days detoxing: 5 Yesterday was hard.. oh man, not because of jonesing for video games but because I just felt down and depressed. I felt like lost adrift with no purpose. What didn't help was that I was under a tight deadline along with my wife to finish something that required a lot of work and attention. I wanted to vent and talk but we were focused so when I tried, I was also reminded of what needed to be finished. Which is also what helped, by doubling down on the work and pushing for the finish line I was able to get through the day. A perspective of it is how when your life is not dominated by games or addictive behaviors, you don't think about those and one just does what ever is the task at the moment. Whether it's studying, cooking, building, reading, cleaning, etc. It doesn't matter what the activity is, one is more focused and more productive by not feeling the weight of the addiction. It's always easy to escape but hard work pays off and it's the small wins that keep making a difference. My son showed me a map he made in a game, he was proud and wanted me to play it. It was sad that I had to respect my detox and that I could not share that moment with him. I had to say no as sweetly and polite as possible. I'm doing this so I can be there for the other times he wants me to interact and play with him.
  13. Thanks Leo, Definitely starting to write down things, the feelings, the goals and this forum. It's helping me vent and keep me in check. It's a different type of release when you are open with your thoughts and feelings instead of letting them fester in your head. Writing for me has always helped me and I stopped for dumb reasons. I was blogging before it was cool but stopped a long time ago. I knew how helpful it would be but still didn't do it. It's something that I will talk about with a counselor, not the stopping but the why I stopped.
  14. Days without videogamse: 4 I have some time to write while my computer at work updates. I'm about to start chapter 4 of respawn. Great reading so far. I have to say that I've created some distance with the games I used to play but perhaps not enough. I definitely feel the sunk cost fallacy but I have removed the game that has caused the most problems, the one that caused me to get very addictive, I removed any way to restore it and that's the game where I irresponsibly spent more money than I intended. I woke up today feeling depressed and the feeling of wanting to escape responsibilities, work, life, everything out of shame and the fear of the future. I kept myself in check by realizing how great of a life I actually have. How I'm in a spot where the vices and escapes have been a dominant part of my life consciously and unconsciously, so there is a resistance to change. I remind myself of you get what you put in and that I don't want to have the anchors I had before. My wife also helped me with the reminder of a quote she uses, I paraphrase: "do you own things or do they own you?" I own my life, I want to own my life not games or games or pointless distractions.
  15. I was starting to go down a Twitter hole but it occurred to me to come to the forum an read a little. It sparked me to get up and do something else.
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