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RB1

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Posts posted by RB1

  1. Day 6 10/5/2019

    Day 6 complete.

    Weird day. Woke up late since I was out late last night. A little hungover in the morning, but I ate a good breakfast, meditated, and played some piano and felt better. Immediately after I binged youtube videos for about two hours until 1pm (nothing gaming related). Didn't feel so good about that.

    I've been using a checklist app to stay organized. It's been working pretty well, but I could still do better. It's been keeping me on top of my daily necessities like cleaning my room, making sure I meditate, doing the dishes before I sleep, tasks, some school work, and I've kept up these sort of things for the last week. I've got on my checklist also things like do some reading, studying, exercising, which I've done a bit, but haven't been able to turn it into a routine or habit like I wish I could yet.

    Anyways, I binged about 2 hours of youtube on my couch, realized I was wasting my time, then took a crack at my checklist. Got laundry done, cleaned my garden, vacuumed my floors, did the dishes, cleaned out my car, got the mail,  wrote some e-mails, meditated for 20 minutes. Did all that and I'm glad I did, but I definitely intentionally skipped over doing some reading and exercising. I just feel so lazy man. Like, I tell myself I'd be so satisfied with my day if I get some reading in and a quick workout, but I just don't do it. There's always something I decide to do right before it, then I get lost in it and get tired or something and end up always ignoring those two things. I'm willing to do all these smaller tasks habitually with no problem, but when it comes to starting studying or exercising, I'm repulsed to it.

    I actually wrote about this in a log during my initial detox. I'm for whatever reason bad at getting started with activities, but am good at maintaining momentum. Like if I tell myself I'll pick up a book and read today, I try to do everything I need to do in the day but pick up a book, then MAYBE I'll get to it. However, once I start reading, I actually enjoy it and typically go on longer than intended. Same thing with working out. I just have a hard time really committing to beginning the workout. But when I build up the energy to, I typically don't have a tough time completing the whole workout, and might even do extra exercises at the end. I think I'm just lazy man haha. I need some cure to this stupidity and madness.

    After it all I was feeling a little tired and a little bummed out for whatever reason. I took a nap and felt woke up still feeling bummed out, but in a weird relaxed state of mind. Don't really know what to do with myself now.

    I want to remind myself that I'd usually spend a day like this in bed or on the couch watching gaming streams the entire day or playing video games, which I did not do. Proud of that to say the least.

    I'm just upset with myself or just don't understand myself because of what I said earlier. I spent the whole day doing the smaller tasks that needed to get done, but didn't necesarily have to do today. I could've cleaned the house and garden and did the little tasks another day and spent a lot of time reading and exercising today, but I didn't. I used to be better than this.

    Week 1 of the detox is coming to a close and I feel like I spent the week pretty productively. I just wanna get into the routine of working out, reading, and eating a bit healthier again. Hopefully I can really pick that up week 2. This post was all over the place haha. Whatever, I'll do better and feel better tomorrow. Can't pick myself up emotionally today.

    Looking forward to day 7!

  2. Day 5 - 10/4/2019

    Day 5 complete.

    Half day at work, went home early and got a little lazy. Got the little thing I needed to do, but none of the things like studying or reading like I said I'd do today.

    Went out drinking with some friends at night and had a great time. Still got challenges ahead of me, but I'm really starting to feel like myself again.

    I need to spend this weekend productively. I have the hardest time not when I'm busy, but when I'm not. I don't work or have class over the weekend, and don't particularly have a lot of school work I'm required to do this weekend. Got a few responsibilities I need to take care of, but other than that, I'm basically free. I have some plans and need to commit to them.

    Looking forward to day 6!

  3. Day 4 - 10/3

    Day 4 complete.

    Ups and downs today. Started off a little tired since I was out late yesterday and had an early morning. My mood was good in the morning though. Mood crashed out of nowhere after class at noon. Had the day off from work. Took a nap between classes and felt a tiny bit better.

    I actually had my first meeting with my therapist today. I'd always avoided seeing one and till the very moment was uncomfortable with it, but followed through anyways. Easily was the best decision I've made ever. I immediately felt comfortable talking about everything. My depression problems, past experiences, tragic events in my life, what I've done to deal with my problems, my gaming problems, etc. I've never been able to let loose to people I know so I've been bottling this stuff up forever. Speaking to a professional about it all just felt right. I guess I've been needing to let loose. I've got a ton of work to do, but just talking to a professional about everything made some things better immediately. I've made appointments to see my therapist again for the next few weeks and I very much look forward to them.

    Got home early and didn't have any more responsibilities to take care of. Didn't game and didn't need have much of the need to. Haven't needed to meditate but I will before sleeping.

    I haven't gotten back into the groove of exercising, but I'm tryin. I'll get there soon. I feel a lot better since I'm eating better, sleeping more, sleeping and waking up at consistent times, meditating consistently, and drinking less.

    Looking forward to day 5!

  4. Day 3 - 10/2/19 (late post)

    Day 3 complete.

    Work has been particularly busy lately, but it'll get easier soon. It's been keeping me busy so honestly it might be better this way. Same old school stuff kind of a typical day.

    Saw a friend and hung out from the afternoon till late and went out and got some drinks. He wasn't a gaming homie, but he opened up to me about some stuff he's been going through. Ended up telling him about some of the stuff I've been going through as well and had a nice little bonding moment. I haven't had much of that with people close to me as of late so it was a refreshing moment.

    The cravings tend to come when I get home. Till now, I thought I'd just have to leave home or avoid coming back to keep them away, but that wasn't a realistic solution. I've lately been jumping to meditation as soon as any cravings arise. It has really, really, really, really, reallllly been helping. It's hard to get started, but by the end of it I get my mind to stop racing and suppress the cravings to zero, or near zero.

    I've tried meditating in the past, but it would be once a day in the morning or before I sleep for 10-15 minutes. I've been meditating the moment I wake up, before I go to sleep, and any time in the middle of the day I'm home and feel cravings or just need to clear my mind. I've been spending definitely 1-2 hours a day doing this, and I don't want this always to be the case, but in my current state it feels necessary. It really eases the overstimulated mind. I hope it continues to be this way.

    I wish I knew how powerful meditation can be earlier. I've got to stick with it to see how it works for me in the long run. So far, it's been a game changer. Hoping it stays this way.

    Looking forward to day 4!

     

    • Like 1
  5. Day 2 - 10/1/19

    Day 2 complete.

    Rough day at work. Saw a friend I haven't seen in a while so it cheered me up. Talked and caught up for an hour or so.

    Listened to a lot of music today. Remembered a dope artist name Austin Peralta I used to fuck with and listened to a lot of his stuff. Thought I knew a lot of his music well, but people have been posting albums and tracks of his I've never heard on youtube in the last two or three years. Got more stuff by him I've gotta listen to.

    Few cravings, some bad rushes but nothing unmanageable. Think the meditations working well. For sure a good way to start my day. Better than waking up and opening up my laptop immediately for sure.

    Looking forward to get through day 3 :)

  6. Day 1 - 9/30/19

    Day 1 complete. Busy day. Long day at school, busy day at work, got home a little late. Ate healthy all meals today. Meditated right when I woke up, kickstarting my day and meditated when I got home from work. It really puts me at peace and I want to see where it takes me if I really keep the meditation up. I think it's a good activity for me to default to for when I get cravings. Didn't really have many cravings today though.

    Gonna go exercise and head to bed early.

    • Like 1
  7. Got a meeting with a therapist later this week set up. Spoke with friends for the first time about my gaming problems and told them I'm done with games for this detox. They were understanding. Even asked them not to ask me to game with them or let me game with them if I ever ask them to. Really gonna try this time. Didn't have much motivation to try this detox the last few attempts, but I'm feeling real motivation this time. Gonna keep tackling it until I get this :)

  8. On 9/24/2019 at 11:15 AM, Adminiculum said:

    Welcome back mate. 

    Instantly relapsed, but thanks for the posts always. I've been having a hard time with the detoxes since my initial attempt, but I've asked for external help this time and expect to do better from now on!

  9. Already relapsed and already contacted a therapist. Need to speak with one with more reasons than just gaming, but that will be a large part of the discussion. Officially spoke with my friends and told them I'm quitting gaming. I didn't do that before and kept it to myself. Told them what's going on and they were supportive. Also mentioned if I ever ask them to play games, don't let me.

    I'll be back next Thursday after my therapy session.

  10. I really want to begin to make meditation a part of my morning routine. I also want it to be the activity I default to when experiencing cravings. Does the second part sound reasonable at all? I know many people meditate in the morning as routine and I only heard good things about it.

    • Like 1
  11. Looking for advice from experience meditators. I've given meditation a shot in the past, but don't really understand how it works besides relaxing, sitting still, and trying to clear my mind as best as possible. I've tried it with the intent to relax, feel more at peace, happier, focused, and to get rid of that hazy feeling of an overworked mind that we all get as gamers. Sometimes it's successful, sometimes it doesn't really do anything, and sometimes I honestly feel more agitated afterwards since I can't clear my mind during meditation.

    I've heard there are many different forms of it, but I don't really know what those other forms are and which sources to trust on the internet. I'm hoping for someone with experience to explain it better to a beginner like me and point to sources that may have worked for you.

  12. Day 1 - 9/23

    Was at work all day today so I had something to keep my mind on besides games. Not too many cravings, but definitely some. I've got tomorrow off, but that's honestly worse for me at the moment. As long as the weather is good, I've got plans lined up to keep myself busy. I just needa keep myself busy for these next two weeks when the detox is the worst.

    The one good thing I did for myself during my recent relapse was pick up an old hobby. I picked up my skateboard which I haven't touched in a long time and started at it again. It's the one outdoor thing that I'm really willing to go out of my way to do. Unfortunately, I don't really have an indoor hobby I feel the same way about at the moment, and it rains a lot out here. I'm thinking of putting down some money to buy some music equipment, since that's an old hobby I used to enjoy. I played a lot of music growing up, but just lost interest in it over time. I think I can get back into it if I get some of the right equipment, but it would be a bit of an investment. If I could get back into it, I'd have an indoor and outdoor hobby to put my time into. That's something I really need to make this detox work.

    Had kindof a bad talk with my girlfriend and am feeling a bit bummy about that. Gonna get off my computer now to think about that conversation away from my devices now. Looking forward to day 2.

  13. Hi all.

    I just made a post in my journal saying I'm considering seeing a therapist for many reasons, but primarily to discuss my addiction to video games. Throughout my life I've considered therapy for many reasons other than my problem with gaming, but have always shied away from it. I've always felt weird reaching out to a therapist about my issues since I have a hard time discussing them even with friends or family. Honestly, I feel even stranger reaching out to one to speak about my problem with gaming since it's not a problem taken as seriously as other addictions.

    I'm just wondering if anyone in the community has spoken with a professional about this problem in the past and what their experience was like with it?

    • Like 3
  14. I know I botched it real hard on my 2nd and 3rd attempts and was thinking last night how I can prove to myself and others how serious I am about this, this time around. I decided if I relapse on this attempt, I'm going to go see a therapist. I seriously am considering going out to see one anyways, to get help with my gaming problem and for many other reasons. Till now I thought it would be embarrassing or just plain stupid to go see a therapist to discuss video game addiction.

    I had a conversation recently with someone recently in his late twenties who said he had a terrible addiction to league of legends and ended up seeing a therapist since it was affecting his marriage. He said he never wouldn't have been able to quit hadn't he talked to his therapist.

    It's frustrating since I've dealt and cut out a multiplicity of other addictions and bad habits in my life and wouldn't have been embarrassed to speak with a therapist about those things just because they have worse of a stigma to their names. Gaming has been impossible for me to cut out on my own and is by far the most destructive addiction for me personally. I know I shouldn't feel embarrassed to reach out, but I still am a little.

    To anyone reading this, have you ever spoken to a professional about gaming addiction and how did it impact you?

  15. Day 0:

    Take 1 - 43 days

    Take 2 & 3 - barely any days. Couldn't get back into it.

    Gonna follow though this time.

    No watching gaming content.

    No gaming solo.

    No gaming with friends.

    I had a tough time giving up gaming with friends before, but I'm ready this time. If they really are good friends they'd understand. I need to do this. Gonna start this up again from tomorrow.

    • Like 3
  16. Day 1 - 9/5/2019

    • gaming free - X (watched some content)
    • exercise - √
    • healthy eating
      • breakfast - √
      • lunch - X
      • dinner - √
    • reading/studies - √
    • socialized - X
    • youtube < 1hr total - X (2hr)
    • proper sleep (at least 7 hours) - X
    • other (morning meditation, night time meditation, night time stretches, in bed at reasonable hour) - X

    4/10

  17. Day 1 - 9/5/2019

    • gaming free - √
    • exercise - X
    • healthy eating
      • breakfast - √
      • lunch - X
      • dinner - √
    • reading/studies - √
    • socialized - √
    • youtube < 1hr total - X (1hr 30min)
    • proper sleep (at least 7 hours) - X
    • other (morning meditation, night time meditation, night time stretches, in bed at reasonable hour) - X

    Decent mood. Few cravings.

    5/10

  18. Took care of yesterdays problems. The outcome sucked, but wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.

    I'm still extremely mad at myself and don't even feel like I wanna write at all in this journal. I'm just gonna make a score card for each day containing a list of things that if I follow, would mean I had a satisfying day by my own standards. Its not even much, but I just want to find some consistency in my life and see how I can keep up with it.

    That list:

    • gaming free - 
    • exercise -
    • healthy eating
      • breakfast -
      • lunch - 
      • dinner -
    • reading/studies -
    • socialized -
    • youtube < 1hr total -
    • proper sleep (at least 7 hours) -
    • other (morning meditation, night time meditation, night time stretches, in bed at reasonable hour) -

               Mood:

    Just gonna track these things to see how I do. Will post the previous days score after every day.

    Score:  /10

  19. Day 0 - 9/4/2019

    I'm back. Again. Been driving myself insane for the past two weeks. I left just two days ago thinking fuck it, I'm just gonna do what I want when I want to. Play games whenever live life however. I thought I'd be back in 2-3 months maybe, but here I am again.

    I've been gaming 8+ hours a day for the days I've allowed myself to in the past two weeks. As a result, I neglected a very important responsibility that I've been pushing off that I've literally reminded myself every day for the past two weeks I'd get to. Well it was really far in the back of my mind for the past few days, almost forgetting about it. I remembered about it this morning and said I'd take care of it after breakfast. After breakfast, I ended up playing some games. Got lunch, said I'd take care of it after lunch, then played some more games. That lasted until about an hour ago which is when I remembered about that responsibility I had. Looked at the letter regarding the matter, and realized I'm past the deadline to take care of it. I thought I had another week to take care of it, but it was actually due today by 5pm. If I wasn't dicking around playing video games, I could've taken care of it easy.

    I wasn't gonna say what I did, but actually I want to be upfront. I got a speeding ticket a few months ago and today was the deadline. I kept on saying I'd pay it later and now it's the deadline. I thought it was due a week from today so I neglected it till now. Decided I'd pay it tomorrow and took a look at the ticket after a long time. I looked at it at 6pm and I had till 5pm today to pay for it. I'd been gaming since 12pm. I'm so disgusted with myself.

    This is the first time I've neglected a responsibility this important, but I've done similar things numerous times in the past. Pushing off important things till the last second, saying i'd do it later so I can game. So done with myself.

    So unbelievable sick of my own bullshit, my childishness, my irresponsibility, and most of all, my utter weakness. So I'm back. I have to do this. Every time I go back to gaming my life goes to total shit.

    Anyways I'm back. Rules this time.

    • No watching gaming content
    • No playing games solo
    • No playing games period, even with friends (unlike what I was saying for my 2nd detox) 

    It's time for a change.

    • Like 4
  20. Sorry guys, can't do it. I keep saying i'll step up my game, but then relapse immediately after. Too mentally weak, don't know what to do or how to approach this.

    I'm doing what I said initially in my first detox. I keep lying to myself. It's just making it worse on me. So sick of my own bullshit. Going insane listening to my own bullshit.

    I need to stay away from this and maybe do personal journaling or maybe focus on fixing other aspects of my life that are easier to fix. Honestly I don't  know what's gonna help me at this point. Maybe I need to find someone to speak to about this all in person. All I know is I don't wanna commit right now since I know whatever I say is gonna be bull shit and I'm just gonna break whatever promise I make immediately.

    Hope everyone else's detoxes are working for them. I'll be back sometime. Don't know when this time, but whether its a week month or a few months, I'll be back sometime. I just need to take a step back from the GQ forums for now.

    Best of luck to yall.

     

  21. Hey, just wanted to ask how the detox has been going? Based on your posts it seems like its been going pretty well man! I was wondering what you've been doing to replace the time you used to watch gaming content? I know mentioned this briefly in a comment before, but I was just wondering if you've been able to find anything for you personally that has been able to replace that activity?

  22. On 8/26/2019 at 8:49 PM, NannerZ said:

    With football season only 1 and a half weeks away, gaming is the furthest thing from my mind. It should be no problem at all to reach a 6+ month streak. I simply don't want to game anymore, I want to grow as a person, and become the man I've always wanted to be, and gaming won't get me there.

     

    Just wanna say good work man! I've been following your journal here and there and wanted to say its truly inspiring! I'm hoping to hit that 90 day mark and go beyond it myself honestly. Just wanted to ask how you feel after being 113 days gaming free?

    • Like 1
  23. And just to be transparent, my detox this time around is focused around staying away from watching gaming content. Below is what I'm considering to be part of my detox:

    • ***No watching gaming content on youtube, twitch, twitter, or on any other platform
    • No gaming alone or online at home
    • I CAN however play games with friends when side by side someone away from home.
  24. Day 6:

    (0, 0)

    Honestly. I relapsed again today.

    I decided early in the day I didn't want to do my detox anymore. I than just binge watched about 3-4 hours of gaming content. My craving brain successfully convinced myself that if I allowed myself to use my hour of youtube time a day to watch gaming content, than I wouldn't have these cravings and would be productive for the rest of the day. Then it successfully convinced me that if I add twitch into the hour of gaming videos a day, it would be the same thing so that would be ok.

    I watched gaming videos for an hour after waking up, then went to do some productive things. After I was done with all that, I had more and more cravings so I took the easy measures it takes to get around the restrictive website blockers that I set for myself to watch more gaming content. I can't keep losing this argument with my brain. It sounds so convincing in the moment, but I'm always left disappointed after I let it convince me that a bit of gaming wont lead to more.

    Well, I was gonna give up on the detox all together, but I decided, no, I'll continue with it. I know this means that I'm supposed to reset back to day 1, but for this occasion I'm not going to. I know its against the rules of the website, but it's what I want to do. When I get through the 90 day detox, I'll address this day and maybe extend my detox for 5 more days or something to compensate.

    I also want to make a template for my posts that I see some other people do. I don't think I'll use the same template, but I just wanna make a little check list of the things I successfully did during the day like meditation, exercise, cook a healthy meal, etc.

    Sorry about the relapse yall, but I'm gonna get right back to it this time. No break between my last relapse and detox like last time. I want to say I'm as determined as ever, but honestly I'm not. But I want to prove to myself that even without that feeling of determination that I have the discipline to go through with this.

    • Like 1
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