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Ikar
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Posts posted by Ikar
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Day 53:
I got up well rested today. I did some of the self-authoring of my past, trying to get into the meditative mode, half-dreaming and half-conscious and I almost fell asleep during it, I still got something done. It's hard to put a time-frame on something creative. I also did some research on buying a tent and I plan to continue that tomorrow, so I can buy one to test it the next week for my big trip, as well as thinking about what will I need with me and perhaps what else to buy. I did Russian and read a few pages of 12 Rules. The whole day felt a bit diffused, as it was semi-planned, but I knew what I had to do and still got the work needed done. I didn't work out though, because my favorite spot was taken and I feel a pit peeved about not having too much movement today.
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Day 52:
I didn't get as much sleep as I usually do. I felt anxious about my preparations for Iceland and there were also mosquitoes buzzing around, so I messed up my sleep by relapsing on my "porn".
In the morning, I had planned an early dentist appointment that was faster than expected. I spent rest of the morning napping, watching MoM ep. 11 (instead of writing in self-authoring and reading) and making preparations for English teaching, so I shifted my brain towards procrastinating on important things instead on focusing on very important things. I'll still take it as a win.
The afternoon went quite okay, I did my dad a favor and visited a shop he wanted some parts from. I visited my grandma afterwards and we discussed family, relationships and I explained her how and why so many things "clicked" in my head recently, especially following the breakup with my ex. I think she was happy with me basically becoming an adult. I went teaching afterwards and it was in the similar spirit as yesterday, so we had a good time again.
I helped my mom water the plants in the evening and discussed some relationship matters, I watched some Simpsons too.
Overall a pretty good day, despite how oddly it started!
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I loved both the question and the answer of you two.
On 6/11/2019 at 8:53 PM, fawn_xoxo said:May I ask, how much does it bother you that she is like this, and does it effect you and your relationship expectations in some way?
1 hour ago, James S. said:It bothers me a lot to see her in this condition. She has a lot of potential and time on her hands. Instead of using that time to better herself, she stuck in the quick sand. My expectations are low to medium for her due to health problems, but it hurts me to see her like that.
YET other side of the coin when I became married the roles were roles were reversed. She was highly active and capable, and I was the damaged goods. Between her health and emotional problems that came later and my bad habits that kept manifesting. I paved the way for to become how she is today. She switched from "Gaming is causing problems", to "you can't beat them, join them" mentality.My mind set is if I lead the way to get her in the current condition. Then I will have to lead the way out of it and set the example.
The bold part is what puzzles me. Did she know about your addiction before and were you in a state of a self-diagnosed addict or were you in denial? Were you married by that point? Was it the sole marital vow that kept you together in the toughest times, because it's the vow that cannot be broken and there's no other way out than to solve the problem? I'm interested in this, because even though I do not practice any religion officially, I think quitting games was a religious experience for me and I think I was able to purify a good part of my personal "addict deadwood".
I'm also asking because I had this "narcissistic savior syndrome" at least partly in my mind when I started dating my ex. I was sure I could "help" her "cure" her depression and that this would create an unbreakable bond between us. It was a reasonable assumption, but I forgot about the fact I am probably no better off than she was, as all I did with my free time was gaming/Twitch and I gamed even more after I quit my job, quite early into the relationship. She left me eventually, throwing me into chaos and eventually allowing me to reform myself into a way more self-conscious and responsible person that I am now.
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Day 51:
Today I did groceries, paperwork, paid a bill, made sure I have some of the equipment ready for my Iceland trip, read 12 Rules and planned ahead a bit more.
It's been a pretty easy day and I thought the load on me would be higher, but I managed to do everything sooner than expected. I'm a bit confused about the fact, but it's no wonder, I know I should be bad at planning my time precisely when I just started to do so. I also officially finished my 1st year on the university with 100% of the subjects done, so hooray for me!
I also read the rule 6 in 12 Rules. It really is amazing what human beings were capable of achieving so far and what we will be able to do in the future. I think I might be scratching the surface of what it means to be really grateful for something.
In the English class, we discussed the necessity of responsibility, imagining what would we do if we had 10 million dollars. The students even brought some new insights into my mind! Nobody said that they would buy cocaine and OD on it, so I felt pretty happy about it, though one never knows until he has the money on the bank account!
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6 hours ago, fawn_xoxo said:
Lots of text today, and I haven't even started doing that evaluation. Why does this have to be work? Guess the endless hours of fun in my younger years have to be redeemed some way. I played hard then, now I gotta work hard.
There's some reconciliation in that. Gaming wasn't always fun, but sometimes it was. You could say you "worked" while gaming, just in the wrong direction or on the wrong project.
I think the same goes for life in general. Don't be afraid to work. Happiness isn't drinking margaritas on a beach for the rest of your life, if you happen to win the lottery. It's the continuous pursuit of something meaningful (that you can define yourself) until your death. The realization of that idea is terrifying and liberating at the same time.
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I think you analyze well and in the correct direction, I feel a shift in your writing. Even if not, I believe the long-term (say a year) idea of just being on each others' throat seems dismal.
Good luck with whatever decision you decide to make!
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Day 50:
I got up on time after about two weeks which is great! I skipped reading 12 Rules today and the paperwork, aside from that today went as planned. I met an acquaintance at the swimming pool as well! I feel thoroughly tired. From now on, I'll have my schedules in an Excel file. I'll get a lot of the one-time events out of the way tomorrow.
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Hey! I wanted to thank you for your insights on the forum. Your advice always felt cohesive, well-written and, most of all, helpful. I've greatly expanded my view on religion since I quit games/Twitch, knowing there's probably more than scientific truth and that morality (imposed mainly by my parents) that guides me throughout my life had to be grounded somewhere else. I might have to read the Bible at one point in my life myself.
Good luck in your endeavors!
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8 minutes ago, Sweetjess1951 said:
I don’t recall him playing as much as he does now, but he may have been in his best behavior.
This is interesting, because I was in the same position about a year ago when I started dating my (first and hopefully last) ex. I was quitting a job I didn't like, expecting my new career to go smoothly, instead I ran into resistance I didn't want to cope with, so I retreated into gaming further.
I'm still not very comfortable with this, but individuals need rules and so does a relationship. I genuinely believe most people are honest going into one. I also think this is the part that makes the start of the new relationship so exciting, but everyone needs standards and work out the negotiations, especially as the relationship progresses. "Date nights" might be even more important after the "dating" part of the relationship is over.
But as I wrote before, it's mainly up to him to snap out of it. He may or may not do that ever. You can help him change himself, but you can't change him. Stay strong.
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4 hours ago, fawn_xoxo said:
As far as mental disorders go, I meant the thrill seeking tendencies I've had all my life.
It depends, maybe you want to explore and experiment more and conquer your fears. Perhaps you can collect phone numbers from the other sex on the street, go paragliding or whatever else you want. It requires some planning to channel your inner desire though.
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1 hour ago, fawn_xoxo said:
Is it possible I have a mental disorder? These things just pop up in my mind in these emotional moments.
Yes and no.
2 minutes ago, JustTom said:Absolutely yes. This is why gaming addiction is classified as a disease now, just as all the other addictions. Alcoholics are very rarely able to ever drink again. And those that do it successfully take YEARS to do so. The environment and life situation around it is also important. We don't really know how long this takes for gaming addiction because it's quite a new phenomena, but my guess is that it wouldn't be too different.
I agree that gaming for half the day is an unhealthy thing, however it is generally a symptom of something else. In my case it was social rejection (I was the most unfun person to do anything with when I was 12-16), which was most likely a symptom of my parents not paying enough attention to my irresponsible (but what does a teenager know? everything, except most of it) time usage, which was probably a symptom of my parents' time usage on priorities, which was a symptom... this I would have to ask them about in more detail to continue this, however you get the idea by now that it was something coming a VERY long way.
The good thing is I've identified the core issue on my individual level and I can deal with that in a healthier way than blaming my parents and playing a victim for the rest of the life!
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Ordeals are great, if you take them the correct way. If all you get from them is bitterness and resentment or just look elsewhere, ignoring the experience, that's not good. Trying to learn from them or even better, doing something to counteract them in the future is the way to go, as you are trying to solve the problem (project time-management) of the problem (biology project).
It might even be that the longer the ordeal lasts, the greater the lesson learned. Unsurprisingly, relationships teach you that really well.
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2 hours ago, Dig said:
I have a doubt NO FAP is only when I watch porn and masturbate or if someone did this to me I lose my counter?
The magic is, you can (and should) specify it yourself before you get into it, so you can't stigmatize yourself if you did something borderline. It's a tool to get rid of unwanted behavior. Not something you should enforce on your partner. That said, I guess ONS mentality might be unwanted, but it's up to you.
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I agree with @dahankus. Games filled a hole in him and it's pretty rough to tear that band-aid off and fill it with something more worthwhile. There is also indeed no telling if he's gonna take it the "right" way and straighten up, or the "wrong" way and indulge in games even more. It was the right call to leave.
Take that from a former game/Twitch addict, whose ex undoubtedly left him partly also because of the same issue, though her poison is social media for a change (causing her anxiety and depression most likely - she'd even tell me that earlier, but I was pretty irresponsible and definitely not awake, so I tried to change that). Oddly enough, her leaving started a series of events that eventually brought me here.
There's two outcomes:
1. He keeps it up until the end of his life, unaware. That doesn't mean he can't have a family, but possibly only with a similarly pathological person and it won't have a happy end.
2. He contacts you and wants you back. This is where you have to be extremely aware and awake yourself. His gaming personality (notice I am not saying "him", because "him" is what you fell in love with) is only aimed at gaming and will manipulate, lie and betray just to get to games. However, the gaming personality is a large part of him and it won't go without a fight.
Lastly, the problem might be internally his, but it is a problem for both of you regardless if you are a couple (or even married). Take stock of yourself:
1. Gaming was his hobby and it grew from some healthy hour a day into several hours per day. In that case, there was some visible progression and it was your responsibility to try and poke him back into the right direction with some serious talk, so he wouldn't become so one dimensional.
2. He was a full-blown addict when you started dating and you "attempted" to fix him. Generally a bad idea, unless was already trying to quit and genuinely seeking help.
I hope I got the point across. I might've been quite curt and blunt in some explanations, but I am tired. My bad!
Good luck.
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As for the above, I do enjoy reading 12 Rules and working out, Duolingo Russian I've always been on and off in the past two years, but I roughly average an exercise per day (5 minutes) and I'm on a 23-day streak. I think I'm still somewhat bad when rewarding myself for doing things I am not very inclined to do.
Day 49:
I got everything done, except I kinda wish I studied a bit more, I'm catching up on it now at least.
8-10: MoM ep. 10
10-12: week-planning (Excel)
12-13: lunch
13-14: 12 Rules
14-16: EXAM
16-19: swimming pool
19-20: paperwork
ideas for future: check your tabs/bookmarks
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This is gonna be the odd post where I am actually not tired enough to just spew out a few words and shortly evaluate my day.
First off, I'll do weekly planning from tomorrow on. The night-tired-me isn't generally in the state of mind to do plan anything too challenging, let alone to do it, so even the not-so-big things get put off, because of the state of mind and they start piling up over time.
Secondly, I think I'm still not very good at doing things I'm not overly excited about doing and rather do those I'm more excited about doing. This week, I'd actually narrow it down to studying for the exam, as I honestly spent about 30% of the time I had planned for it in my schedules.
I had used my Fridays on the university sort of as a "sanctuary" to shield me from the normal day of gaming/Twitch. I knew it facilitated some interesting insights, as my field of study (economic geography and related subjects) isn't by any means absolute and it slowly changes. I knew even back then that change and at least acceptance of the present moment, or better yet, some effort to make present moment better, was something I found worthwhile. I think I robbed that privileged position from the university by basically admitting that I am educating constantly nowadays.
I think it's a reasonable fail-safe policy to persevere to get the degree, in case my primary English teaching idea (supplemented by a few others English-related activities) plummets and I'll be faced with the reality of a 9-to-5 in an office.
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Ferriss in his 4 Hour Body mentioned that when you do anything and you really mean it, you should track yourself. I think you can do that for working out quite easily, as you can add more reps and weight, so there should be some progression at least every month, if not sooner. I weigh myself every now and then, as I am trying to put on some weight through exercise and eating a bit more. Perhaps there's some subliminal message from doing that!
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Day 48:
Everything went alright today, I guess a bit less on the studying side, however I want to get through it thoroughly tomorrow for Monday. I got an additional Scrabble in. In the evening, I met up with a friend and we checked out the "museums' night" event. Good day!
8-9: exam studying
9-10: duolingo
10-11: exam studying
11-12: 12 Rules
12-13: lunch
13-15: family/Scrabble
15-16: exam studying
16-17: Duolingo
17-18: exam studying
18-19: work out
19-20: Simpsons
ideas for future: check your tabs/bookmarks
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I'd also suggest reading articles in the link below. I've read them as well, even if I am self-diagnosed, because it helps to get the perspective from the other side as well:
https://gamequitters.com/blog/parents/
Good job on detecting it somewhat early in his life, my parents weren't able to see it. That said, you'll need to be strong for both of you, unrelenting and disciplined. Good luck.
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Day 48:
Everything turned out alright/as planned today, except that I am studying as I write this, but it's a minor hiccup. I got a few "kicks" today that everything is going actually pretty good. I've called a friend and we're gonna meet during tomorrow or on Sunday. Been writing with another friend a ton too about psychology, exes and all that stuff.
8-9: exam studying
9-12: MoM ep. 9
12-13: lunch
13-14: clean room
14-15: exam studying
15-16: Duolingo
16-??: friend meetup
ideas for future: check your tabs/bookmarks
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12 Rules are great, #3 hit me quite hard yesterday. I think I want to read it again actually.
I guess the baseline for feeling good is less obvious the further up you go the ladder. I think everyone here can agree on the fact that reducing game-time from 10 hours to 0 in a day (and sometimes forever) is a huge step. In the least, you make yourself uncomfortable enough to find another vice to spent 10 hours on. That said, I think if you actually fill in those 10 hours with 5 hours of something more useful, it's a big step.
Others don't have to actively praise you for every little thing you did (compared to quitting gaming, if you let them know that), but they will notice the shift in your being. A year ago, I was that hunched thin guy who rather talked than acted. Now, I'm actually noticing I stand up straight when I'm walking, I'm working out (thanks to my own volition) and I act more, simply because the big gaming bubble bursted. To say the least, I think I am less miserable and flawed than I was before and I'm sure that's the case for you as well!
That said, it's fine to feel bad at times. I wonder if gratitude practice might counteract those times?
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Day 47:
The first part of the day got nailed by helping my mom with hoovering the whole apartment. I got Russian and 12 Rules done, but I didn't really bring myself down to search for the tent and studying for the exam.
Regardless of that, I am fond of my Iceland trip, some steady progress on it and I think it's more important for me than I think. I'll consider journaling earlier in the day, just because I think I might have more to write when I'm in sharper mode.
7-9: MoM ep. 8
9-15: mom, grandma, hoovering, shop, lunch
15-16: Duolingo
16-17: exam studying
17-18: 12 Rules
18-19: free
19-20: work out
ideas for future: check your tabs
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Seeing a therapist is a good idea, especially if you manage to find a good one. I think too many people resort to that option when it's very or even too late to get their life back on track, because they already lost everything they could go on. I'll consider that option myself.
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5 hours ago, fawn_xoxo said:
This is like a Pandora's box at every turn. There are people I left behind when I quit that make me feel bad and stressed when I see their name because I remember fights we'd get into, the toxicity of online comms. I feel bad for my past behavior, I haven't forgiven myself at all. Every day that I remember something, there's that goblin in my mind trying to find the worst explanation for it, how I was a bad person for going that, even if reality isn't that. It's just excessive doom thinking as a result of being in a triggering environment.
This. You need to forgive yourself and you do that by understanding what led you to that point. Only if you are truthful to yourself, you can bridge that self-disgust and self-hatred that's pursuing you and you can't sell yourself short on that, because your self-trust and integrity is in question.
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My daily walk
in Daily Journals
Posted
What a sacrifice to move through half the US just to live with her! That said, it's interesting that the problem bounced back again, but electronic devices are everywhere nowadays. My attitude towards gaming was generally: "I know this sometimes sucks, but what else am I gonna do?"
Having recently watched a lot of Jordan Peterson's lectures, I've been trying to conceptualize God and Ten Commandments and I think they are somewhat synonymous to "being responsible and sacrificing present for the future and thus having a good life", assuming there's a relatively stable society around. I'm from central Europe and if breaking one of the Ten Commandments isn't outright punished by law (murder), then it's at least immoral (adultery) and might pave the way towards resentment that might breed murder, so I think that clicked correctly in my head recently.
I also think we've seen the worst in each other, but I think we weren't responsible enough to stand it or perhaps help each other face our problems. It's easier to run away than to face your problems.
Damn, that's a pretty rough lesson to learn. I agree you have to love yourself, otherwise your life will be miserable.