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Ikar

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Posts posted by Ikar

  1. Day 105:

    Working the weekend till lunch this time. I wrote, took a nap, wrote again and read "The subtle art" by Mark Manson outside, finally found myself in a position to do it. My mom also called. Good day, I feel caught up with my life.

  2. On 7/30/2019 at 6:03 AM, fawn_xoxo said:

    will I want people who didn't help me in my life when I'm in a better place? Maybe my gut feeling is telling me that. That one way or another I'll have to lose some people. And I don't want to accept that possible scenario, I don't even want to think about it. These people have been my support for years. I feel dependent on them, I haven't really grown into an adult it feels like, cause otherwise I'd be independent from them to some degree. And I have a difficult time accepting what that looks like in comparison to how my life has been so far.

    I am realizing early in my early 20s that some people come and some go and not only because they or you change places. Maybe you give them a chance or two, but then you realize there is about 7 billion other people you could click with too after a few hours of conversation.

    Regarding family in this, chances are if you are honest with them, they will see your point and help you out and connect. My mom was shocked to know she raised an addict too, likely somewhere on the level I was shocked there was a huge part of hate in my love towards my ex. 

    On 7/30/2019 at 6:03 PM, fawn_xoxo said:

    I also wonder if my attachment style is stressful in some way, it's a term I found online, about attaching to people around you unhealthily, without balance. 

    https://yourpersonality.net/attachment/index.php

    Is it this site you refer to?

    On 7/30/2019 at 6:03 PM, fawn_xoxo said:

     

    I need to be an adult who says what they like and what they don't like, says when they're happy and when they're sad with something.

    Same here, I think I am starting to be good at this.

    I had a clash at work recently, because I did something wrong and they decided to ignore it, so instead they built up resentment and doubt. When I called them out on doing something wrong, they would get defensive, bring up the (unrelated) past issue into the (now) argument and talk all about how stupid were they for being so "forgiving" in the past.

    My point is, mature people can stand honesty, admit they did something wrong and you do not have to worry about them exploding, because they are responsible for their feelings and will not get mad regardless of whether that thing they did was wrong or actually right and misunderstood.

    Again, I know I want to do this, but I am not sure how much I act it out.

    Enjoy your break ?

    • Like 1
  3. Day 103:

    Interesting day today. I think I managed to make peace with myself and that is the most important thing for me, so I can feel good and work properly.

    I also realized I am happy when people call me out on my wrongdoings, justified or not (that is up to me to consider) and that I am happy that I do not lie.

  4. Day 102:

    I think I spiked an issue today at work somewhat recklessly and did not think through the consequences of it. It is part of a larger issue in the workplace though that is bound to be resolved soon, so right now I am not too sure what to make of it.

    I like how this diary is still on the forum, almost non-related to games. Small step a day takes you far in a year.

    • Like 1
  5. Day 100:

    Work went quite decently today. I asked a few things regarding my employment too I was not 100% sure about.

    I ate after work, got my laundry done, wrote a work email, went outside to think of something smart to write, ate some vegetables and now I am here.

    I feel like I nailed it today. Action followed action. The full weekend rest, barely to the point of boredom, helped. I hope I can keep this up.

    • Like 1
  6. Day 99:

    I wrote, got the recap done, took a walk and possibly safeguarded some money. 

    I did not end up reading any books. I think I will be more active to get my future job existence at home sorted out. Overall, it was a good day to get myself together.

    • Like 2
  7. Here's my monthly summary again:

    Game Quitters - I'm still reading the journals I am subbed to, though I know I comment less.

    physical development - I move basically all day at work. I either take a long walk or short walk with meditation after that.

    mental development - I finished 12 Rules a month ago, since then I have read articles on Mark Manson's website, but it has been a week or more since I last did that. I will hop into books I have on my phone today after a walk.

    going out more/new people and screen time reduction - I feel like quite the social animal, I write and talk a lot. I spend quite some time on the phone writing.

    uni - summer break

    English teaching/my business - This has to be tackled when I return, perhaps even more than the university. Searching for possible employers and students is crucial towards my growth.

    Again, all this is on hold, but I put some ideas for me to investigate when I get home at the latest.

    Iceland - I made it here! I will be working on the pig farm for one more month, then do some small scale travelling for a week or two and go home.

    family - I have been keeping in touch every few days. 

    AFTER ICELAND - priorities:

    hobbies: modeling (WWII stuff), paintball, geocache, drumming (yoga?)

    Meditate

    my business/English teaching - schools (both state and private), websites for teachers, jobs

    university

    (whatever happens and springs to mind while there)

    Self-authoring

    • Like 3
  8. Day 98:

    I dodged an entry yesterday. We drank quite a bit, but not enough to knock me out the whole next day. I was resting the whole morning though (and even masturbated twice - it was an odd morning).

    I took a walk, cooked, wrote some people, got back on Tinder and cleaned my room.

    I feel better after today, I feel like I broke the slump. I have tomorrow off too, so I will execute more of the ideas I had planned. I have my focus back.

    • Like 3
  9. 5 hours ago, NannerZ said:

    Congrats on a successful detox! A little bummed I won't see your journal at the top of the forum anymore but am super happy for you. You always gave me great advice and insight, for that I thank you. I wish you success in all your pursuits.

    We can still keep it there for a while!

    I could copy what NannerZ wrote. I can also agree 100% on your first paragraph from my perspective. I enjoy your analytic approach to your own issues and the issues of others. I also hope your gf can find the courage to smartly contend with all the free time that she has been given, much like we did when we started the detox!

    Well done and good luck!

    • Like 1
  10. Day 96:

    I feel tired and I have a hard time focusing after work. I got some stuff done back home, I have been dodging that for several days.

    This scenario I put myself into is interesting, because I know I am tired after work, but I also do not feel justified to waste the rest of the day and I know that is the correct attitude. I might need a full day or two to set myself straight, to meditate and think, because I feel I am doing stuff haphazardly.

    I want to review these days when I get back home.

    • Like 3
  11. Day 95:

    I went to a bank to set up my account for the salary. Nothing too special otherwise. I wrote a lot today. I was cooking with mutually destructive results, but I had fun doing that.

    I had a thought in the morning I can command and control myself the most effectively of all people. I will try hard to make it so in my future workplace as a freelancer.

    Other than that, I am in Iceland for a month and it feels like I came here yesterday. Time lingers really only when you want it to. I will make the monthly report tomorrow.

    • Like 3
  12. Day 94:

    Normal day at work, went outside aftetwards and replied to the girls.

    I just got the thought, after working some 50 hours a week three weeks in the row (while being unemployed from almost a year ago and working part-time for the last 4 months, excluding gaming), I feel dissatisfied with being tired after work to shirk whatever comes after or at least not being as efficient. I have some a few cool ideas I want to implement and concepts to explore (either myself or through conversation). 

    On the other hand, I am trading my time for money, which is not horrible either and I am 3/9 weeks done.

    As always, I am trying to work out how much of this is genuine and how much of this is excuse!

    • Like 4
  13. 11 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

    I see what you mean. I think that makes sense. You don't have to share it. What kind of feedback are you looking back from her?

    I was looking for virtually anything, but she never consciously made any effort to respond in a way to hold a conversation.

    It kind of sucks, because I will always symphatize with her in the same way I symphatize with my past gamer-self and I think she will suffer somewhat stupidly as I did in the past. But I can control only myself and not her, so that is why I drew the line now.

    • Like 1
  14. 17 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

    It is ok. Don't forget you're allowed to ejaculate multiple times during sex. Have some fun with it. Use different methods to regain stamina after ejaculating such as more foreplay, oral for her, sensual touching etc. Nobody lasts a long time on their first load, especially if they haven't been ejaculating before it.

    I'm sorry you feel pain with your ex and relationships. It's tough to be vulnerable and cautious at the same time. We are so hard on ourselves sometimes and it's really unfair. You will meet so many people, whether they're dating or friends, and some might just surprise you and make your life better, when some surprise you and break your heart out of nowhere, even if it's a friend who turns out to be a bad person. 

    I'd say stay strong so in the event you are hurt you find the strength in your heart to move forward and pick yourself up again. 

    Thanks for the post, I will try to elaborate my situation more clearly.

    I will see what I can do about the sex-related stuff if I am by myself right now, but I will research on it a bit more once I am in a relationship again!

    As for my ex, I really slowly began conceptualizing her as a person in distress rather than dating material quite early into the detox, because I knew that if there was something this wrong with me, there had to be something that wrong with her, otherwise we would not be together. 

    The letter was more or less the "personal constitution"/"personal mission statement" of sorts, something you would get by condensing my diary. It would briefly read as this: "Hey! I think I fucked up in my past. I have this plan how to live my life here, so it does not happen again. I know you know/knew me before. Could you please give me your feedback? Thanks!" 

    I actually would not mind sharing it here, though I would have to translate it.

    As for other relationships, I think they also either got better or got cut. I can actually say I am happy for my family and mean it at least a bit. Before it felt like a phrase and now I know why.

    • Like 2
  15. Day 92:

    We worked until lunch today. I was writing with a few people, otherwise I am fairly tired now (so the next lines might be a bit weird).

    I got through a week without ejaculatory masturbation and that is the whole gripe I think I currently have with masturbation in general. I want to really train it as a skill that will help me in my sex life. What girl would like to have a boyfriend with no endurance anyway? It feels funny writing about it, but I will try to put it up there with meditating, working out and language learning.

    Slightly related to that, I am done with my ex. I got no response for about 48 hours. It makes me wonder why she replied to the letter in the first place, but it does not really matter.

    In a year from now, I imagine I will be in a place, where I will be able to see incompabilities with girls and confidently say "no" to some of them. I believe I and my ex entered the relationship out of desperation (FINALLY meeting someone who UNDERSTANDS), when really every human is the same.

    We all worry about our families, friends and jobs. Some just do it better than others. 

    • Like 4
  16. Day 89:

    I am aware of the fact I missed an entry yesterday. I drinked socially a bit yesterday, but aside from that I did nothing of importance.

    Day 90:

    Standard Icelandic day, how I enjoyed it the most so far. Relaxed after work, wrote both the girls and the day is over pretty much like that. 

    I will continue this diary.

    I will also write a monthly report sometime soon. 

    • Like 3
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