NEW VIDEO: I Quit MMOs and THIS Happened
Ikar
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Posts posted by Ikar
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1 hour ago, BooksandTrees said:
I decided not to text that girl today because I noticed I was initiating most of the conversations over the past week. I'll let her message me next and if she doesn't message within 5 days I'll end communication. I want someone who wants me. This is just a test to see what happens.
Good observation. I'm also struggling with trying to chat/chatting over the Internet with women over the Internet, but then I remember that if I have a conceivable sexual thought regarding her, I try to keep it to a minimum; just asking what's up and whether she is going to be around in X or at Y. Chatting should be used in a clear and concise manner, not for conversations that drag for days and end nowhere and in nothing.
I do not think you are being congruent with your plan though. You wrote her daily (or multiple times a day from the way you phrased the sentence?). Then you set some covert condition that she has to fulfill, otherwise she won't hear from you anymore. The reason you set that plan up was because you were unhappy about your own actions, not because she did you wrong, so she won't have a clue as to why you suddenly stopped writing her.
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Day 611:
I worked on the monthly report, read a few articles/newsletters by Manson, contacted a few friends to wish them Merry Christmas and a good new year, watched a documentary called "Everything is a Remix" (about how nothing is new, but only restructured in a "fresh" way) and visited my parents for the Christmas Eve. We unwrapped the gifts and watched fairly tales.
Day 612:
I slept over at my parents' house and then we went to visit grandma for a family lunch. After returning, I wrote here and went for a walk.
Day 613:
I started preparing and studying for the exam, finished the monthly report, checked out some old files on my HDD, watched videos of Peterson and Willink, worked on Self-Authoring, cleaned my room, did laundry, read "Extreme Ownership" and watched a "Christmas" movie in the evening - Die Hard with Willis.
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I received some cool presents from my family and they all were a good cross-over between a surprise and something I wanted.
Regardless, after returning to the dorms after a day, I had quite a headache and was feeling extremely tired. I am extremely unhappy to laze around and do next to nothing for extended periods of time. It might also be environment related - I want to talk to a friend and try to approach the situation in the family in a smart way and with a plan, so I use the right words when talking to my family members.
I enjoyed yesterday with all the activities I did, although I wasn't physically exhausted and couldn't fall asleep at the time I wanted to.
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I'm using the template I used the last time. 27/11/20 - 26/12/20
"L" will stand for the (last) plan/notes for this term. "T" will stand for done this term. "N" will stand for the plan next term.
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Active writing (blogs/writings/journal):
L: I'll be working on my bachelor thesis, so a lot of the writing will have to go there. I want to continue writing Past Authoring and I'm going to at least finish that this month.
T: I worked on Self-Authoring - Past Authoring and I am nearing the end of it.
N: I want to continue writing Past Authoring and I'm going to finish it by the end of the year.
Books/Reading articles:
L: I finished reading "Iron John". Now I'm reading a book by Viktor Frankl a friend gifted me, but it's the same as with writing; I didn't find time to read in about three weeks. I read the odd newsletter or a Wiki article, especially about military conflicts (lately about the 2020 conflicts in Nagorno-Karabakh and Ethiopia). Finish the book by Frankl. It's a thin book.
T: I finished the book by Frankl and I started reading "Extreme Ownership" by Willink and Babin. I also read a lot of the stories of guys of "No More Mr Nice Guy" forums where they primarily deal with relationship issues.
N: I want to finish "Extreme Ownership" and read through the newsletters that accumulated in my mail.
Family:
L: I feel an increasing feeling of unease regarding my family. I feel there are talks to be had together with resolutions and absolutions.
T: Mom is home again.
N: -
University:
L: Keep working on the bachelor thesis and pass the upcoming exams. I could have the first one in three weeks. I am planning to go to Canada the next year using my university's mobility program.
T: I continue to work on my school duties during the mornings and I put in the hours every other day. I planned to get through some of the exams before Christmas and it's worked out well for me in both cases. Ideally, I should be done with the exams in a month. I didn't spend a lot of time on the bachelor thesis, as I am dealing with the exams now. I'm also already working out the field of study of my masters and Erasmus/VIA for the next year.
N: I want to be done with the exams in a month. Start working on the bachelor thesis right after the exams. I'm also already working out the field of study of my masters and Erasmus/VIA for the next year.
Exercise/movement:
L: Move thrice a week. Martial art and gym on hold.
T: The gym was open for a short time period, so I worked out several times there. Otherwise I have been going for walks. I didn't go for a run, mainly because I feel it's too cold for that nowadays.
N: -
Social:
L: This category includes meeting with friends 1-1, socializing in groups, philosophy courses, English discussion clubs. I’m basically up for any event that interests me. Sometimes I have a good time and sometimes I wish I stayed at home and worked on something of value. I do say “no” quite a bit nowadays, especially if the event collides with my work obligations and I have no problem leaving early if it collides with my sleep schedule. I don’t want to become too "common" either.
T: The evenings have been less social than this month, but the bowling was nice for a while.
N: -
English:
L: This term's been pretty great for English.
I think I average a bit over 10 hours a week nowadays. I updated my website (added a page for references and new photos) and got the FB page up as well. I attended an online seminar on how to run online classes to get some inspiration for activities I could do with students. I spent a day with my English mentor and his students.
These objectives are the ones left over:
I am going to send out some mails again to language schools and various other subjects to set up interviews.
I am going to pursue closer co-operation with my English mentor.
I am going to check out a few more seminars on how to run online courses.
T: My workload remains roughly the same which I am happy with.
I sent out the mails. The response to them was next to nothing (just one online interview), but there might be an interview or two coming up. I met up once or twice with my friend, but the cooperation thing is not really viable at the moment due to CV.
N: I'm gonna work on my skills by checking out YT seminars and other resources. The idea of asking for a raise has been on my mind for a while as well, but I do not feel that I have enough leverage (and possible replacements of my current courses) for that as of yet.
Women/dating:
L: I learnt that perhaps I do not have as hard-core of a monogamous mentality as I thought I would have. I'm also probably more aware than ever that everybody is fucked up, including myself. There are a few women I could think of in the romantic plane in my area. I don't think it makes much sense to be writing about specific women though. I came to the realization that planning in this area is usually cumbersome and counterproductive.
T: I cut one of the relationships, did sex and I'm keeping my eyes peeled.
I was predicting the change in my sexual mindset and behavior for a long time. I behaved and acted in line with it. I just needed the reality to catch up on it; similarly to that when I was gaming, I got fired from the post office several days after I quit gaming, because most of my (unsatisfactory) work there was done when I was still gaming.
In the past, I believe I looked at the more obvious sexual displays of others with both distaste and envy at the same time. Especially when I thought that I have no other option than to sit and do nothing or to get drunk and hope that something happens. It just took some time to internalize that the thing standing between me and a good (even if only sexual) relationship with a woman is... me.
As long as there are two consenting adults, whatever goes. Whether it's a good idea or not is another question (given the circumstances), but I won't villanify that behavior a priori anymore.
That said, a horrible relationship is better than none at all. The cataclysmic end of my last one was likely the trigger for me to quit games for good. Nothing is forcing anyone to stay and die in a horrible relationship, except the lack of options in one's head.
N: -
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Masturbation - reminder:
L: I think it'll be as with gaming - I tried to haphazardly quit gaming multiple times, but finally by getting here I reached the breaking point. It's likely gonna take more than a few weeks and re-making the decision that I don't have time to waste. Ejaculation is easy for me to handle, it's just that masturbation overall is difficult to get rid of. It's a process.
This term was quite rough, especially with all the female attention that I've been getting recently. Masturbation is taking a toll on my sleep schedule, but I believe I will manage to handle it in a more healthy way. I'd like to think that I wouldn't do such a thing if I had a girl with whom I could have sex every (other) day, but my sexuality still my own responsibility even in that case and I have to deal with it in a way that doesn't screw me over.
T: After having sex, I found out that I am more accepting of masturbation and that I do not hinge on it as much. Maybe because I already internalized the belief that sex in "just another" (yet important) thing in my life or because it's easier to get than I thought. Either way, I sense more peace in myself in this area.
Meditation:
L: I never got around to do it, though it could be that I incorporate some of it while working out or singing along with music or while on a walk. I want to figure out where to put it into my daily rhythm. I meditated a few times and I enjoyed the calmness. I gotta step up the relaxing activities, even though it sounds like an oxymoron 😄
I think reading + meditation might be a good combo, it’s just that I have to remember to do it when I have enough time to read, but not enough time to go for a walk at the same time. It's getting cold outside though, so I will not read outside too much anymore.
T: -
Gratitude:
L: I managed to sneak it in into my journal a couple of times, so that's good. I'm grateful for all the new relationships and opportunities that flew into my life the last month. I'm going to make sure this continues.
T: -
Additional thoughts:
Find out in greater detail what it is that I am exactly aiming at - finish the Self-Authoring exercise.
The division of the day for me is usually this: uni work in the morning, self-care (walks, reading, writing etc.) in the afternoon and fun in the evening with English classes scattered throughout the day randomly.
I began experiencing the feeling of inadequacy whenever somebody brings up "responsibility" or "discipline" as one of my virtues and I think that's good, because it means I have room for progress in the area (mainly in the area of masturbation). I don't think I am a complete hypocrite - I think I am reasonably responsible in my life and I'm not dependent on anyone else. I'm placing extreme attention to this area and I'm extremely supportive when people decide to make the "responsible" decisions, act nobly despite tragedy and so on.
Related to that, I think both my "fun" time went up, as well as the the "responsibility" time. I sense I do both of these things better than ever before. I seem to be happy with the balance of my life at the moment.
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Additional projects/misc/cool stuff finished last month:
Additional projects/misc/cool stuff upcoming this month:
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Thoughts, ideas and additional comments/gratitude:
SpoilerI think I have done a good job at incorporating psychology lectures I’ve seen/learnt into my life. I don’t want to re-live the experience I’ve had last March/April, because it could be deadly.
I gained the ability to plan after I quit games.
Regained/new daily habits: I clean my teeth daily, Duolingo, journaling, working out.
Life’s more colorful and more difficult to deal with, but at least I can look at myself in the mirror now and see myself less skewed than before.
I think I give meaning to things that deserve it now.
I am not horrified of free time anymore. This is a BIG one.
I am using my sociability more sensibly. No more trolling in Twitch chat and streaming.
Coming to think of it, I’ve never been overly anxious to begin with, just the normal amount. I asked girls out on dates on high school. I was just totally oblivious to the signals I sent/received.
I’m more conscious of both what I do and how I do it in relation with other people. I still get anxiety, but I act despite it. I stand tall and have my say.
I'm very lucky to have a mentor in the field I am excited about.
I'm grateful for everyone who has entered my life.
I EMBRACE THE FACT THAT ANYTHING I START DOING, I WILL DO IT BADLY. I CAN ONLY BECOME BETTER INCREMENTALLY AND BY PRACTICE.
It's less of a question WHAT I do compared to HOW and WHY I do it.
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Day 607:
I studied, read (I started the "Extreme Ownership" by Willink and Babin), went for a walk and washed the dishes.
Day 608:
I studied, read, worked on Self-Authoring, reorganized my room and watched a bit of Jocko's Podcast, read about McNamara's folly - sending low IQ US troops to fight in Vietnam and played desktops in the evening.
Day 609:
I wrote the test, visited my grandma and went to a small get-together from high school.
Day 610:
I got up super late, checked the forums, cooked went for a walk, had a nap and had an English class. I am writing now.
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QuoteI'm currently feeling that I am taking both fun and responsibility to the next level at the same time and it feels great. I actually want to follow more structured daily routines. That's why I created a "blank day" - a day, where I am free of any obligation to others and where I have activities to do/goals to work on in front of my eyes.
I'm holding strong behind this idea. It's as if when I decided to have sex, the amount of effort I am willing to put into my own improvement in other areas also increased. I also worked out a few times at the gym in December, got rid of a relationship that wasn't working well and a few other things I felt were not good for me. I also normalized my sleeping schedule the last few days. I think it's this confluence of good things that allows me to do more things and better.
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@BooksandTrees To add to my previous reply, I can think of two instances where I could've had sex in the past few months, but in a) the girl was drunk as a skunk and in b) the girl tried to chain/guilt me into the relationship using sex (while not knowing me at all). I wanted to do sex with someone who wasn't gonna attach barbed wires to it and in a way that's not gonna make me feel disgusting, so I waited until the last week.
I think my issue is that I placed sex on a pedestal for a long time, together with the idea it's not good to behave sexually around women. I think I still do both of these things though, looking at my masturbation habits. Maybe the habits are actually OK and I just need to transmute them into interpersonal sexuality with others. Whatever that is, I learnt and progressed a lot in these things in the past three months, mainly by going through and living these situations and not trying to "think" my way around/into them.
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14 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:
I don't think it's possible for most people to be intimate with others. We're such a unique species where it's one heart one love mentality. I even found that during porn videos I watch, I can't watch videos with more than 1 woman because I want both women to feel unique and loved. I know porn...they're not getting loved. But their emotions are on the table and I don't see them being treated fairly in that specific instance. I think it's just important to share intimacy and love with that one person.
Maybe this time away from both will be good to think about what you miss most about each person and what makes you happiest. The heaviest weight is the one you keep.
I agree with the idea. It would explain why that if people cheat, they normally don't go and have sex with five other people. I believe the "end goal" most people are after is to find one person they can be together with and share their life with on the deepest level.
It's a strange situation with the Spanish girl, because realistically all we did was to have good conversations and have sex. It will take at least two more weeks until she returns (and if she returns, because who knows these days). We weren't drunk and I only realized things might get sexual when we started touching and kissing in my bed. It's so interesting how natural and spontaneous these situations are that they can make us "snap out" of this mode after a few hours. Whether it's realistic to try and build a long-term relationship off of this is unknown, but I like talking to her and I think it's a decent idea to do some things together regardless.
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14 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:
Comics are a big trigger for me since most of the females drawn in comics have strong bodies, huge boobs, and a beautiful face. I have to do more boring things lol.
That's the obsession with youth & beauty in today's world. Through porn actresses, through comics to a 25-year old in a TV ad featuring the newest anti-wrinkle solution (as if she needed one at that age anyway). "Real world" women might not be as staggeringly beautiful, but they are actually what we can choose from, plus they can treat us nicely.
14 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:I have my 4th video date with this girl tomorrow evening. I'm very excited. She's been quite a discovery for me. She is so intuitive and introspective. She asks me all the right questions and just has this passion in her eyes that is so genuine. She speaks from the heart in a logical way and I just find it so attractive. I really hope this continues to go well.
14 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:@Ikarthings are going well with her. I am trying to be patient. Sometimes I really want to meet or go further, but can't because of the virus. So I have to be patient with 1-2 virtual dates per week and texting each day. I just get excited and want to meet her is all. I feel she's very special. But then again I don't want to put her on such a high pedestal that it's all I think about. So I try to go about my day as normal and not think until I get a message.
Do you have a plan to meet her in person? I think it's not a question if you want meet her, but when do you want to meet her. You can set this up smartly (say, no contact for both of you with other people for 7-10-14 days before you two meet for a normal date) to counter the CV threat.
I think the longer this "online+texting" phase continues, the more you are going to put her on pedestal. I don't think it's possible to "think" yourself out of it, unless you have other women around you whom you could date.
Good luck!
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4 hours ago, Icandothis said:
Starting a 24 hour fast today. I don’t really know anything about fasting... except to not eat. Planning on doing 1 24 hour fast a week. Instead of eating... I will be praying/meditating. Hoping to get clarity and peace regarding next steps.
I fasted once for a day back in January. I got up late from my bed and realized I hadn't eaten for over 12 hours already, so I rolled with it. The "worst" thing about it was that I found I had no way to relax and that I felt I needed to do something all the time! So I slept for the last hour or two of the fast. The food was tastier afterwards 😄
Good luck!
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Day 603:
I had an English class, visited my grandma, had a light workout at the gym, had classes and went to bed early.
Day 604:
I studied, wrote on the NMMNG forum, worked out at the gym, planned a "blank" day, helped a friend move chairs from his office by car, read and socialized in the evening.
Day 605:
I studied, went for a walk, worked out with a friend outside, had an English class and played cards in the evening.
Day 606:
I studied, wrote on the NMMNG forum, visited my family and started watching the second season of "The Mandalorian".
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I've recently come back on the NMMNG forums and just reading about the issues guys solve in regards to (but not only) their intimate relationships helps me keep level headed in my own situation. Besides the Spanish girl, I'm aware of one Czech girl with whom we're making rounds around each other for some time quite consistently. They are both gone until at least the rest of the year, so that gives me some respite in this area for now... or does it?
I've been thinking that it's not possible to have an entirely fulfilling/regular sexual life with multiple people. My idea is that one can't possibly "administer" too many people, simply because there's not enough time for that. It could be one of the reasons why not too many people have three and more sexual partners at once.
I'm currently feeling that I am taking both fun and responsibility to the next level at the same time and it feels great. I actually want to follow more structured daily routines. That's why I created a "blank day" - a day, where I am free of any obligation to others and where I have activities to do/goals to work on in front of my eyes.
I'm also currently studying for a test on Tuesday, it looks like a tough one, but I'll give it my best shot.
The gym is unfortunately closed again. I guess I'll be going for walks more.
I'm getting my sleeping rhythm back slowly but surely. It's been a bit crazy lately, but I need the time to study for exams and to work on my own life.
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On 12/14/2020 at 4:52 AM, BooksandTrees said:
I look for many things. Some of the key ones are:
How is the conversation going with the woman online? How many of your criteria do you think she fits?
I think that your list makes sense and that everybody wants these things in a woman. I think everybody compromises in some things though, because nobody is flawless and everybody has their strengths and weaknesses. Whether you continue to date a woman ultimately depends on your gut and not on your checklist. She might be great in 3 things, be okay in 6 and be horrible in 2 and you can still roll with her. Remember that a lot of the qualities are double-edged, so if she's overly responsible, she might be unable to relax and you will have to help her with that.
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Day 599:
I washed the dishes, wrote here, worked out at the gym, cleaned and reorganized my room, went shopping and collected study materials for exams.
Day 600:
I worked on Self-Authoring, visited my family, went for a walk, went to a birthday party of two Erasmus guys and spent the evening/night with the Spanish girl.
Day 601:
I went for a walk, had an English class, had the philosophy seminar, played desktops and spent some time with the Spanish girl again.
Day 602:
I went to buy and borrow some books to study for the upcoming exam, had online English classes and played bowling in the evening.
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The first interesting thing is that I decided to go to the birthday party on my own, even though I could've organized people that I know to come with me. Some of them eventually came, but it was not enough to really form the "usual" group and that was good, because I had the incentive to shuffle around more.
I played chess with the Spanish girl several days ago, so we have met before. We chatted a lot during the evening and we gradually got from talking at the party into my room. It felt very natural.
I did sex after about 21 months. I don't think it touched me the way it did when I did it right with my X for the first time. However, it was still a very relaxing and liberating experience. We did sex the next day as well and she left to Spain for Christmas the day after as planned. She should return in about a month.
Part of the liberating experience was that we did not bump into any hard topics regarding the future. If she returns in a month and we're both willing to continue, I will plan to continue in getting to know her more and do more activities with her besides having sex. I think I surprised her by my interest in her. Even if this is most likely temporary, we can still have a good time together besides having sex.
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8 hours ago, ceponatia said:
I suppose the only saving grace is that I'm living here to finish college while working full time and saving money to buy a house.
I think the main thing here is to remember that people can be broke or saving for something at 20, 40 or 60. The woman you want will stay with you because of the attitude, not because you already have a house. You are working on three big things and some people can't manage even one.
8 hours ago, ceponatia said:Don't get me wrong, I'm a liberal too (although I'm much more conservative than many others) but she told me that me owning a truck offended her and that she once broke up with a guy because he said he didn't like Hillary Clinton. Jesus. Well good luck with that.
Does she have kids? I believe there are some people that naturally eliminate themselves from the gene pool...
Jokes aside, you are correct that your dating life is the reflection of the rest of your life, but it takes time to take effect. Relax and plan. When do you want to own the house? Do you want to change your job? Take a breath and think about these things. I'm happy I can live at the uni dorms during this time and I hope everybody can find at least a few guys to meet up with during these weird times.
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15 hours ago, Amphibian220 said:
it seems your days have a good deal of balance at this point because you are maintaining connections with your family. This should be helping you in getting the necessary breaks in between your studying/work.
I'm in the process of going through some longer-standing family issues now. I like spending time with my grandma, but my family is not the main thing when it comes to taking mental breaks.
15 hours ago, Amphibian220 said:edit: what sort of a game is desktops?
Mostly Bang! and rummy.
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Day 594:
I worked on Self-Authoring, visited my grandma, had online English classes, had a philosophy seminar, went out with a friend for a tea and played desktops in the evening.
Day 595:
I had an online interview, studied for an exam, worked out at the gym, had an online English class, had a seminar about Erasmus/VIA programs, read and played bowling and billiard in the evening.
Day 596:
I had an online English class, studied for the exam, helped out the friend in the finance business, worked out at the gym, had an English class and played in the chess tournament in the evening.
Day 597:
I had an online class, cooked, studied for the exam extensively, worked out at the gym, had a chat with a friend and had her help me with sewing some of my clothes together and played desktops in the evening.
Day 598:
I watched "The Graduate", wrote the exam, had a chat with one of my classmates, slept during the day and played desktops in the evening.
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The girl I had the few days long affair arrived at the dorm. I was actually excited to see whether anything changed for her in the past two months. She initiated and kept contact with me during the time we didn't see each other. I believe people can emerge on the other side better than they were after experiencing some hideous shit, because that is my story of quitting games. But I quickly realized that my hopes were exaggerated. We talked a bit and I decided she's not the kind of person I want in my life even as an acquaintance. I told her that in a calm and confident manner.
I want to go to Canada using my university's program the next year, so I am making preparations for that.
The university is slowly but surely stepping up. There's going to be a lot of time I will need to spend working on the bachelor thesis or studying for exams. This Friday's test was sort of rushed, because I could only start studying for it after the prof accepted the paper three days prior to it. It looked easy enough though, so I'll see about the results.
I'm taking care of myself (my future) and my room today. I plan to get to bed earlier than during the rest of the week and get the good habits (reading, writing) back again. I can't afford to be up after midnight all the time and get up late (after 8 at least).
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On 12/8/2020 at 4:37 AM, Amphibian220 said:
Ikar, I have not seen the film so I may be missing some context. i think your realization is well founded because in my opinion a community as a whole may have to retrace steps when it goes in the wrong direction.
I think this is pretty much the story of humanity as a whole. I think another good point is that while there might be a bad community, the reaction by some individual to it might be just as bad instead of corrective and positive.
On 12/8/2020 at 4:37 AM, Amphibian220 said:I cannot connect that much with either men or women at the moment. I think that in many communities men have surrendered their roles and forced women into certain jobs which aren’t making them happy. Also, the entertainment technology is neutralizing many great personalities both male and female in their adolescent years.
I agree with this. I think the equality between men and women lies in the differences between us and that the incentive to make everything 50/50 is farfetched. I think the great paradox of the result of the feminist movement was that it forced women to take up jobs, instead of giving them the choice to work or to stay at home. Wages got simply cut/inflated (up to a half), so that a man could not provide financially for his family on his own as easily anymore. This drove more women out of home to work, giving the chance to "alternate" tutors to educate their kids - TV, computer and so forth.
On 12/8/2020 at 4:37 AM, Amphibian220 said:Society is being fashioned in a way to prevent anybody from questioning the values on a more fundamental scale. Something propounded with a great deal of honesty is viewed as archaic and menacing. I read from one speaker that there is this message that truth doesn’t really matter and there can be many truths. This is a throwback to pre enlightenment years in Europe when people lived in very dire conditions and with no guidance.
An example of people that are making militant claims: everybody in the media questioning the purpose of modern video games. My feeling is that it took some bravery on their part to say that.
It leads to the idea whether to be an absolutist zealot or a nihilist relativist. Neither of them are a good choice and they oddly have a lot in common. In order to be a civilized human being, you have to find the middle ground.
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Thanks for relating. I didn't have an easy time getting up today.
@DaBestI think this particular case is my ego got in the way and I tried to take the easy way out. It serves me right. At least I now have the mental energy back and I can try again some other time.
@Jason70I skimmed through your diary. We all have our debts from the past. I believe I am right to say that it does get better.
@BooksandTreesI don't feel loneliness like this often. I do sense an underlying unease whenever I do not have something particular planned in my day and time just seems to float by though and it makes me question whether I would feel like this if my life made more sense. The film is great at depicting the contradiction between what Bickle says and what he does. He either does something wrong or he does something good for the wrong reasons.
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One of the things I've been feeling recently is the realization that everybody is fucked up in one way or another. I think it's a good thing to realize, as it humanizes others in my eyes, even though it's obviously a bit unsettling.
I have a question: How do you perceive your relationship with men and women? I want to know how you guys relate to the two sexes. I will write my response later.
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Day 591:
I worked on school projects, worked out at the gym, did the laundry, had a uni class, had an English class and played bowling in the evening.
Day 592:
I did the groceries, worked out at the gym, read about current modern wars, went for a dinner with a friend and watched "Taxi Driver" with another friend.
Day 593:
I worked on Self-Authoring, went for a walk, visited my family, played chess, met up with a girl and watched a few reviews of "Taxi Driver".
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I'm in awe at how much "Taxi Driver" resonates with me. I watched it over a year ago when I was living with my parents, but it still strikes a deep chord in me even after living with people around me at the dormitory for the last year and despite the fact my social network is the best it's ever been. I feel somewhat lonely now, but I know it shall pass. I can see the progress over time every few months. I know that @DaBest and @BooksandTrees combat these issues of inadequacy and loneliness often and so do I sometimes. These things take months, if not years to settle, but we'll get there one day at a time.
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11 hours ago, Pochatok said:
Hey, I think that's pretty cool! Be sure to take care of yourself though: living in the moment too much made me start to disregard my future, which is partly what re-triggered my gaming addiction a couple years ago.
Just discovered your journal, and I think it's super awesome that you've gone so far on GQ but continue to post journal entries. vErY iNspiRinG 🙂
I love chess as well heh
I actually had a leak to my porn-like material a few days ago. It's still in the back of my mind sometimes, but the situation is better than e.g. three months ago.
I'm glad I can serve as an example for others. I'm somewhat known for being the "responsible and reliable" guy on the dorms, though I'm obviously not perfect 😄
1 hour ago, DaBest said:Being in the moment is great, especially for us overthinkers. It's like a glimpse into another universe--"oh, you mean I can actually enjoy life?!"
I've been working at this too, trying to meditate more recently, and pressure testing myself with golf and work (albeit unintentionally).
Do you meditate at all? How have you been trying to live in the moment more--just by intention?
I don't meditate per se, but I enjoy a lot of similar activities. I go for long walks, sometimes listen to the piano/music. When I work out/drive, I like to focus on the activity itself. I think it also came with the wide range of restrictions and having to shelf some projects for the meantime (such as jiu-jitsu). I seem to do everything I care about regardless, so I'm going to roll with it.
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Day 586:
I worked on school projects, wrote here, cleaned my room, visited my brother and father and played in the dormitory chess tournament in the evening.
Day 587:
I worked on school projects, went for a walk, had English classes and had dinner with friends.
Day 588:
I worked on school projects, visited my grandma, had an English class, went for a walk with a friend and played desktops in the evening.
Day 589:
I had English classes, went for a walk with a friend and played desktops in the evening.
Day 590:
I worked on school projects, played in the dormitory chess tournament, listened to the piano, worked out at the gym, had a uni class (and played desktops in the evening).
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The gym opened today, even if in a reduced form. The head of the dormitory asked me if I could keep order at the gym for some money and to give some suggestions on how to improve the gym, so we will discuss that soon.
I feel fairly hooked on chess, although it is luckily one of the things I can't spend too much time playing/thinking about, because there's no room for error which separates it from most of the (video) games I've played before.
I'm learning to live in the moment more and although it does impact my sleep schedule somewhat (because I stay up late in the evening), I like the liveliness and flamboyance it brings me and which I feel for the past several days. I still put in the work in the morning and afternoon and I think I even enjoy it more than if I was locked in my head more.
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10 minutes ago, Rudygreen said:
I think you are the right person to guide me on this issue. I updated WhatsApp a few days ago and since then WhatsApp has not been working properly. As soon as I open WhatsApp, WhatsApp crashes. It seems to be stuck. I have deleted the updated version and reinstalled the old version which I was using before the update but as soon as I open this old version of WhatsApp it is written that this version this out dated I've to updated I have also search on the net about it, but I haven't found anything that can fix the problem, but when I found out about this Whatsapp Plus Apk at ( https://gbapps.net/) modified heritage, I tried to use it and that Solved my problem with this WhatsApp Plus Apk but since it is a modified version of whatsapp then i can't use it forever
I have zero idea on how to help you out. I think the best idea is to keep searching the net.
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1 hour ago, BooksandTrees said:
I'm just so frustrated by my obsession with sex. I want to have sex so badly. It's been over 10 years. I'm sexually deprived in so many invisible ways. I'm embarrassed and afraid that I'll meet a woman who will be put off by my lack of expertise. It's my one true insecurity.
How can I be so confident in almost every aspect of my life yet feel so afraid sexually. It's because I was abused as a teenager and although I've made great progress I just need to get it over with so I can stop worrying.
I've matched with some very beautiful and kind women on my dating app so far and I'm just going to keep a positive attitude.
I'm just so tired of porn and masturbation. They consume my thoughts. I have no creative thoughts. I just want to watch porn, sleep, eat, relax. It's so degrading to me.
What I need is love. I honestly think love will help me. I won't force it though. I just think love and stability is something I desperately need because I struggle when alone.
Regarding lack of expertise, you can have a witty remark to that comment: "Great, so now I have you to give me a hand!"
I'm not on dating apps and I do not watch porn, but I think both inflate the expectations when it comes to looks. Nobody is going to deliberately put on a bad photo up or employ a hideous actress.
Regardless, If you're able to target your sexual interest, then I believe it is better to target it at the women on the dating app, because there is a chance you might actually date them and have sex with them. You are on a dating app, because you want to specifically show sexual interest anyhow. I target my sexual desire on women I meet and talk to; they might not all be intimidatingly beautiful (and I thank heavens for that), but they are real and I can recognize if they have a heart and can treat me nicely which is vital for any relationship.
I usually have a couple of creative ideas when it comes to going out for a date. I randomly come up with something specific for that girl if I feel there could be some shared future with the girl. I currently have a mixed sexually rewarding/evaluative game in my mind. Once I come up with a cool activity/idea, all I have to do is ask.
I've recently noticed women asking me indirectly for a touch by saying "I am glad you are here (with me) (tonight)." I think acting in any other way than touching signifies "But I am not./I don't care."
I struggle with masturbation as well, but I do not think the solution lies completely in sharing that sexual energy with someone else, though I think it might help. In the end, my sexuality is my problem. The girl might be gone the next morning.
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9 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:
Is this something you plan on exploring? Such as short term relationships or FWB situations?
I think circumstances can lead me there, but I'm not aiming at that specifically. I'm currently getting to know women by flirting/touching/going for walks, figuring out which type of women I like and whether I like the fact I like these women. Whether sex happens or doesn't is somewhat coincidental in this context. I have to trust my gut on this one, even if was wrong.
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Day 583:
I worked on school projects, got through mails, worked on the monthly report, went for a walk, watched "Mr. Bean" and played desktops in the evening.
Day 584:
I worked on school projects, watched a sort video about Nagorno-Karabakh, finished my monthly report, did the groceries, had an English class, finished the book by Frankl and played desktops in the evening.
Day 585:
I worked on school projects, played chess, went for a walk, sent out my English mails to language companies and watched "Saving Private Ryan".
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I'm using the template I used the last time. 19/10/20 - 27/11/20
"L" will stand for the (last) plan/notes for this term. "T" will stand for done this term. "N" will stand for the plan next term.
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Active writing (blogs/writings/journal):
L: I think my journaling was average, but it was especially helpful while sorting out my thoughts regarding women. I am writing this now.
T: I worked a bit on Self-Authoring and I am close to the end of "Past Authoring", but three weeks ago I stopped it as I got more classes to teach and I haven't found time since.
N: I'll be working on my bachelor thesis, so a lot of the writing will have to go there. I want to continue writing Past Authoring and I'm going to at least finish that this month.
Books/Reading articles:
L: Finish "Iron John". It's not a particularly lengthy book, but I didn't read much recently.
T: I finished reading "Iron John". Now I'm reading a book by Viktor Frankl a friend gifted me, but it's the same as with writing; I didn't find time to read in about three weeks. I read the odd newsletter or a Wiki article, especially about military conflicts (lately about the 2020 conflicts in Nagorno-Karabakh and Ethiopia).
N: Finish the book by Frankl. It's a thin book.
Family:
L: Mom had to go to the hospital. She's getting better, but we can't visit her now due to CV measures, so we at least call each other every now and then. I'm visiting my father with my brother and then my grandma solo every week.
T: Mom was home for two three weeks and now she's in hospital again.
N: I feel an increasing feeling of unease regarding my family. I feel there are talks to be had together with resolutions and absolutions.
University:
L: Find out what the upcoming projects for this semester are and start working on the bachelor thesis. I passed the exam from the last semester successfully. The semester already started and we got assigned some coursework, but I am not paying much attention during the online classes, so I am going to revise the recordings and ask my classmates to make sure I have everything covered.
T: I started work on the bachelor thesis and finished a few school projects. I'm quite happy with my school performance this month and I seem to be the most during the mornings.
N: Keep working on the bachelor thesis and pass the upcoming exams. I could have the first one in three weeks. I am planning to go to Canada the next year using my university's mobility program.
Exercise/movement:
L: I discovered a good jiu-jitsu course nearby I'd like to attend, but they are closed down now.
T: I manage to go for a run once a week and take a longer walk about twice a week, though the exercise is obviously not as heavy as if I worked out at the gym.
N: Move thrice a week.
Social:
L: This category includes meeting with friends 1-1, socializing in groups, philosophy courses, English discussion clubs. I’m basically up for any event that interests me. Sometimes I have a good time and sometimes I wish I stayed at home and worked on something of value. I do say “no” quite a bit nowadays, especially if the event collides with my work obligations and I have no problem leaving early if it collides with my sleep schedule. I don’t want to become too "common" either.
T: The evenings have been social more often than not. The good news is that I think I am becoming better at looking at others and myself through a more realistic lens.
N: -
English:
L: There's been a lot of reorganizing due to CV, as some courses got interrupted or moved online. I still retained a few classes though. I wanted to get the FB page up one day, but I got distracted by other things.
T: This term's been pretty great for English.
I think I average a bit over 10 hours a week nowadays. I updated my website (added a page for references and new photos) and got the FB page up as well. I attended an online seminar on how to run online classes to get some inspiration for activities I could do with students. I spent a day with my English mentor and his students.
N: These objectives are the ones left over:
I am going to send out some mails again to language schools and various other subjects to set up interviews.
I am going to pursue closer co-operation with my English mentor.
I am going to check out a few more seminars on how to run online courses.
Women/dating:
L: I learnt that perhaps I do not have as hard-core of a monogamous mentality as I thought I would have. I'm also probably more aware than ever that everybody is fucked up, including myself.
T: There are a few women I could think of in the romantic plane in my area. I don't think it makes much sense to be writing specific women though. I came to the realization that planning in this area is usually cumbersome and counterproductive.
N: -
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Masturbation - reminder:
L: I think it'll be like with gaming - I tried to haphazardly quit gaming multiple times, but finally by getting here I reached the breaking point. It's likely gonna take more than a few weeks and re-making the decision that I don't have time to waste. Ejaculation is easy for me to handle, it's just that masturbation overall is difficult to get rid of. It's a process.
T: This term was quite rough, especially with all the female attention that I've been getting recently. Masturbation is taking a toll on my sleep schedule, but I believe I will manage to handle it in a more healthy way. I'd like to think that I wouldn't do such a thing if I had a girl with whom I could have sex every (other) day, but my sexuality still my own responsibility even in that case and I have to deal with it in a way that doesn't screw me over.
Meditation:
L: I never got around to do it, though it could be that I incorporate some of it while working out or singing along with music or while on a walk. I want to figure out where to put it into my daily rhythm. I meditated a few times and I enjoyed the calmness. I gotta step up the relaxing activities, even though it sounds like an oxymoron 😄
I think reading + meditation might be a good combo, it’s just that I have to remember to do it when I have enough time to read, but not enough time to go for a walk at the same time. It's getting cold outside though, so I will not read outside too much anymore.
T: -
Gratitude:
L: I managed to sneak it in into my journal a couple of times, so that's good. I'm grateful for all the new relationships and opportunities that flew into my life the last month. I'm going to make sure this continues.
T: -
Additional thoughts:
Find out in greater detail what it is that I am exactly aiming at - finish the Self-Authoring exercise.
The division of the day for me is usually this: uni work in the morning, self-care (walks, reading, writing etc.) in the afternoon and fun in the evening with English classes scattered throughout the day randomly.
I began experiencing the feeling of inadequacy whenever somebody brings up "responsibility" or "discipline" as one of my virtues and I think that's good, because it means I have room for progress in the area (mainly in the area of masturbation). I don't think I am a complete hypocrite - I think I am reasonably responsible in my life and I'm not dependent on anyone else. I'm placing extreme attention to this area and I'm extremely supportive when people decide to make the "responsible" decisions, act nobly despite tragedy and so on.
I'm often playing chess with people from the dorms nowadays.
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Additional projects/misc/cool stuff finished last month:
Additional projects/misc/cool stuff upcoming this month:
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Thoughts, ideas and additional comments/gratitude:
SpoilerI think I have done a good job at incorporating psychology lectures I’ve seen/learnt into my life. I don’t want to re-live the experience I’ve had last March/April, because it could be deadly.
I gained the ability to plan after I quit games.
Regained/new daily habits: I clean my teeth daily, Duolingo, journaling, working out.
Life’s more colorful and more difficult to deal with, but at least I can look at myself in the mirror now and see myself less skewed than before.
I think I give meaning to things that deserve it now.
I am not horrified of free time anymore. This is a BIG one.
I am using my sociability more sensibly. No more trolling in Twitch chat and streaming.
Coming to think of it, I’ve never been overly anxious to begin with, just the normal amount. I asked girls out on dates on high school. I was just totally oblivious to the signals I sent/received.
I’m more conscious of both what I do and how I do it in relation with other people. I still get anxiety, but I act despite it. I stand tall and have my say.
I'm very lucky to have a mentor in the field I am excited about.
I'm grateful for everyone who has entered my life.
I EMBRACE THE FACT THAT ANYTHING I START DOING, I WILL DO IT BADLY. I CAN ONLY BECOME BETTER INCREMENTALLY AND BY PRACTICE.
It's less of a question WHAT I do compared to HOW and WHY I do it.
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Day 579:
I worked on school projects, wrote, went for a walk, watched "The Deer Hunter" and played chess in the evening.
Day 580:
I worked on school projects, worked on my monthly report, went for a walk, had a few online classes and played desktops in the evening.
Day 581:
I read, visited my grandma, had an online class, watched a documentary about the war in Iraq, got a new haircut and celebrated the birthday of a friend.
Day 582:
I had 6 hours of classes, read and played desktops in the evening.
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It feels as if I don't care/think as much as usual and that I take life as it comes more. That works well as far as my interactions with women go and being carefree, but overall I feel I drift more towards autopilot/lazy activities and I think that is caused by my sleeping being impaired by masturbation, causing even more mental fatigue and on the feedback loop goes. I think I am on the verge of throwing away the last few covers that make me appear as a non-sexual being to others. I currently get my sexual needs met in a stupid way and I begin to think that it's worse than the alternatives. There's no hiding from myself.
Dear Diary...
in Daily Journals
Posted
I agree with your reasoning in the first two paragraphs; even if she doesn't write back, you have the experience and the opportunity to text less the next time. I think you are trying for a change of the dynamic in a good direction, though I got the impression that it was abrupt. We'll see whether she's onboard or not soon.
I think it always comes back to the mindset of having options in any area of life, whether it is regarding my job, friends or romantic relationships, internally knowing that and acting from the position of power based on that. I desperately hinged on gaming (and later on my X), because I believed there were no other options. I was wrong.