NEW VIDEO: I Quit MMOs and THIS Happened
Ikar
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Posts posted by Ikar
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Day 839:
I wrote e-mails for interviews, cleaned my old HDD, went for a walk, cooked, watched a comedy film, washed the dishes and went to an English speaking event.
Day 840:
I started reading Bogle's "The Little Book of Common Sense Investing", visited my family, talked to a friend in the evening and wrote here.
Day 841:
I had English classes, got through e-mails, went with my car for a check, attended the BJJ class and watched a film about martial arts.
Day 842:
I got through the newsletters, read, got through mails, went for a walk, had English classes and a social evening.
Day 843:
I started writing the next article for my blog, cooked, had English classes, attended BJJ and watched "The Bourne Identity" in the evening.
Day 844:
I had English classes, read, cooked, had an online interview, watched "The Bourne Supremacy" and went to an English speaking event.
Day 845:
Today - TBA.
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I started watching more films, meaning I use my HDD to store them on. I went through it and deleted 400 GB of games/save files that I had there for several years.
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35 minutes ago, Amphibian220 said:
Interesting to read your entries. I keep seeing that you are “hedging” your interests by making sure that one activity/attachment doesn’t define you. You are pursuing multiple objectives at any one time. I still fall prey into sacrificing some activities in order to pursue my main one (work).
You are exactly right. I let gaming, and later on my X, define me for a long time, so I am very averse to narrowing myself down just to a few activities or people today. I know some people would argue that "what we do is not all we are", but I think I am heavily oriented towards action as a person. I can't "just exist" for prolonged periods of time without any agenda at all.
I also think that the more interests I pursue, the better will it be for my stability, though I am aware there's a ceiling for the number. If I look through my monthly report, I can distinguish two main categories - core and individual. I think "core" are common for all of us and trying to dodge them can have serious repercussions, while "individual" make us all a bit different from each other and they change over time.
Core: family, education, exercise, social/friends, romance
Individual: writing, reading, English, finance, films, chess, marksmanship
35 minutes ago, Amphibian220 said:Your approach generates better results because you enter the negotiating table with more bargaining power than you otherwise would.
I didn't make that comment in my yesterday's entry, but I definitely feel more adept at the negotiating table at work than in dating, though the principle is the same; to see whether something beneficial might come out of it or not.
35 minutes ago, Amphibian220 said:Most young people perceive bank accounts as the sole saving facility, but you took the time to learn about other types and so on.
I honestly learnt through my own mistakes, though I haven't incurred any great "active" losses (looking at Forex and the finance advisory business). Plus it's better to take risks young with smaller amounts of money than old with larger amounts of money. I however do think I am good at handling my financial situation.
35 minutes ago, Amphibian220 said:Your planning must be on a good level since you are able to simultaneously develop multiple aspects and skills.
I think I could certainly use a more advanced diary than a simple list of to-do activities each day.
I think a lot of it came just through tracking the areas of my life and how they develop over time. It seems it originally came from the idea of comparing my life before quitting games and after quitting games and then it just continued on and on.
I am not pushing myself to "do better" in each area all the time, but if I notice something recurring over time, I can investigate it. That's the power of journaling after all; not only it keeps records fairly accurately, it can also show us how were we thinking about things before and now.
I honestly encourage you to just copy-paste my monthly report and fill in what's true for you, how do you feel about it etc. It makes it easier to follow the trends in areas that matter.
47 minutes ago, Amphibian220 said:Recently I read the beginning of Barack Obama’s book and this is what I gathered:
1) people get drawn into little superficial things in politics that obstruct the real underlying issues.
2) when you don’t exercise your rights, your superiors assume that you are waving them.
1) reminds me of the fact that today's age has a tendency to make everything into monetizable entertainment. News is a perfect example; it used to be so boring and fact-based 100 years ago, now it's about being exciting/infuriating and fiction-based. Plus every political system on the planet will claim that it is the best one that has ever been invented.
2) makes me think about the global CV situation. I made my statement on it a few weeks ago though, so I'll just paste it again here to remind myself of it:
QuoteI'm getting somewhat worried about the fact the CV vaccine seems to be becoming the sole ticket to "normal life". Some countries have already made restrictions for entrance conditioned by vaccination - which is in a way fine, because there are still a lot of countries that do not do that and traveling overall is not my cup of tea, though I'd argue most younger people feel stronger about this than I do.
The majority of people I know mention traveling and convenience (no testing, forms etc.) as their main reasons to get vaccinated. It isn't compassion with others (as all the major risk groups already had the chance to get vaccinated anyway) or their own health. I never felt that my health is threatened by the virus; on the contrary, the gym/outdoor workout closures made it more difficult for me to stick to more sensible workout routine. I have also never left the dorms to isolate and to live with my parents again, as more social contact was one of the catalysts as to why I moved in fall 2019.
As less than half of the population is vaccinated (while I believe most people had the chance to be fully vaccinated already), I'm going to be unhappy if the government decides to make the CV tests fully paid by citizens (they plan that for September), if we continue to be required to be either vaccinated or tested to go abroad, to the restaurant or even to go work etc. I think it's fairly dangerous to disregard the opinion of half the people living in the country and to make their lives increasingly difficult by pushing them via additional restrictions into the "second grade citizen" status or to force them this way to get vaccinated. I wish there were less demagogues and more dialogue to reduce the division/polarization between people.
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From today's walk:
The funny thing is that a lot of people would think that I am an extremely tough guy who can't be brought down. Yet the truth of the matter is that there has been a time where I was on the path toward destruction, malevolence and decay. Till today, I still have no idea how come that at the absolutely lowest point of my life, I managed to turn around and started fighting for the light. I would love to write that "I decided to turn around", but I think that would be extremely arrogant and treacherous to assume that. Perhaps we have more free will on some matters than others.
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Day 835:
I went through a few finance articles, had an English class, cycled, did a few small things and had a social evening.
Day 836:
I had English classes, attended a Brazilian jiu-jitsu class and watched Joker in the evening.
Day 837:
I worked on the exposure of my firm on Google, chatted with a friend from high school, created a funny video, got my car back from the mechanic and had a social evening.
Day 838:
I had English classes, attended a Brazilian jiu-jitsu class and talked to a friend in the evening.
Day 839:
Today - TBA.
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@BooksandTrees Thanks. I sent out 16 mails and got only 2 responses, though today I'm going to do a more thorough and sensible scan and see what comes out of it after the weekend. The two companies I work for give me a decent amount of work already, so I am not too fussed about it, even if I don't land anything new.
I started attending BJJ/grappling classes and it's been fairly interesting and instructive. I like it.
Joker was an interesting film. The slow descent to madness and then the things that come with it... chilling. It reminds me of how things were bad for me three years ago, though I somehow managed to snap out of it and start fighting for the light.
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Day 831:
I did some paperwork, had English classes, went to the gym, watched a film and had a social evening.
Day 832:
I checked out the NMMNG forums after a long time, wrote here, did my (monthly?) financial checkup, worked out at the gym, watched two films, went to the shop, went for a walk and cleaned my car.
Day 833:
I worked on fixing my bike, cleaned my room, washed the dishes and visited my family.
Day 834:
I drove my car to the mechanic, cycled back home, had an English class, sent an email to my Erasmus coordinator, sent an email to a martial art group I'd like to join, sent out mails to get some job interviews in language companies and had a social evening with a friend.
Day 835:
Today - TBA.
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I checked on the financial news and my financial status and everything seems to be going swimmingly. For several months I've been regularly able to save over 50% of my income and I'm sitting almost at a double of what I had at the beginning of the year. This is mainly due to the fact I started having more English classes. Most of my money is in global ETFs, plus a few months' expenses on my savings account in case something goes wrong.
Not to slack, yesterday I sent out about 15 emails to language schools, companies etc. to ask for interviews. I'm currently working for two companies, but it doesn't hurt to look around to see if there's more/better opportunities to look for before the start of the regular school year in September.
I've sent out dozens, if not hundreds, of emails asking for a job interview and I've been to dozens job interviews and out of all these interviews actually only a few of them resulted in contracts. An interesting comparison is that I've been to more job interviews than dates in my life. It's a statistic.
I brought my car to the mechanic, but my bike is in need of a mechanic as well. It's kind of an odd situation, but I hope I will get my car back soon, so that I can I have at least one of my transports operational.
I'm gonna check out a BJJ training in my area in the upcoming days, maybe resulting in a new hobby for me.
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@new_life.trying For some people, nothing is more exciting in life than getting shit on during sex by someone they trust. People are weird and everything depends on our perception. Try doing new things with some consistency and see what floats your boat more than games.
Checklist:
Do you have a job? Do you study?
Do you eat well? Do you exercise regularly in some way?
Do you have good relationships with family, friends or partner?
Do you spend your free time in (at least) a non-self-destructive way?
I consider the above the bare minimum for life. I would say these areas are mostly mundane, though I think I can spend 100% of my total time on these things and be happy with my life.
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6 hours ago, d.manuk said:
I am naturally good looking. I think I have a lot of potential to be really handsome.
I think @WorkInProgresshas a good point. What makes you think that you are not handsome already?
I think what makes me ask this question is that I never doubt myself on this front. I've always been thin or fit. I can sometimes appreciate looking at myself at the gym's mirror though!
6 hours ago, d.manuk said:I wouldn't have landed a 7 year relationship with a guy that spent so much money on me living an Instagram life if I weren't physically attractive.
Do you have a great desire to be desired? To be taken care of? To be complimented?
I think the greatest compliment I give to people is being with them - my presence, spending time and doing things with them. I'm not used to using words too much. I remember I was staggered the first time I was called "beautiful" by a girl I spent a few months with.
6 hours ago, d.manuk said:I'm also going to start the process of getting laser scar removal next week, and am considering getting Coolsculpting on the fat underneath my chin. I'm also growing out my hair a little bit more. I'm excited hehe
While I have a few specific natural features on my body, I think they actually make me more interesting. In the end, no matter what we do, the physical part of us can't win the race against the time.
6 hours ago, d.manuk said:When it comes down to it, pretty much any guy will initially want me for my looks first and personality second. That's just how guys are. It's important to be physically attractive, I think even more so in the gay community than for straight guys. Generally speaking women don't care as much about muscles and being fit, but gay men appreciate the male form more deeply and so it's highly important to look good.
I think this is a pretty good observation/explanation that I've never had laid down before me yet from the gay side of things, though it obviously makes a lot of sense.
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Day 827:
I had an English class, worked out at the gym, went for sushi with my brother and had a social evening.
Day 828:
I had an English classes and we visited a friend's cottage with a few friends.
Day 829:
I had English classes and a social evening.
Day 830:
I had English classes, worked out at the gym, fixed up my bike and went to an English speaking event in the evening.
Day 831:
Today - TBA.
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The sushi with my brother was good. He said it was the best sushi restaurant he has ever visited and it was my first sushi too. I think it would be great if we met 1-on-1 every month or so.
I've been tentatively looking around for new (old) hobbies, namely marksmanship and martial arts. I decided to let go of the regular philosophy courses, as I felt they were not bringing me enough interest and joy as they did before.
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Gratitude: I'm grateful for films. The good ones, and the bad ones, because they remind me of the good ones.
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9 hours ago, Amphibian220 said:
I’m rereading James Clear yet again and took notice of his rule of thumb: if something presents you with immediate enjoyment here and now, almost always it is going to lead to a bad outcome in the long term. And vice versa, activities associated with difficulty here and now are going to lead to great results in the long term.
I wonder if there are any examples that contradict this hypothesis but I haven’t found any. In fact this hypothesis changes my attitude whenever I come back to it.
Revising for exams is feeling fun now!
I guess the case can be that if we are not always doing something "productive", then the future is going to be "worse". There are however activities that we can enjoy that take work as well though. For example, I enjoy working out or creating spreadsheets. There are also results that can't be calculated, for example because I am doing a new activity or the activity I am doing can't be measured well (e.g. going to a social event to make friends or to find dates).
9 hours ago, Amphibian220 said:Edit: I think self-accountability and journaling are the greatest tools for becoming honest and developing a unique character. Nothing helped me more than that in the last ten or so years.
I think it can definitely be of great help, although as with everything, I think it works to the extent we want it to. In my case, I combine journaling with post-scheduling - in my Google calendar I put things that I have already done rather than what am I going to do, so I know what I did the week three months ago and compare it to these days.
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Hey Amphibian!
19 hours ago, Amphibian220 said:Hey Ikar, you said in one of your earlier comments : “The annoying part of knowing what you want is you know when you have failed”
What do you think about the identity based approach, where you think more about how much you reflect a desired identity rather than the results that you are achieving?. After all, even the best athletes and businessmen have their share of failures.
I guess "having results" is as much as about having failures and having successes at the same time. I fell into the pit of having an awesome character and identity when I was gaming - thinking I was pure by not doing drugs (drinking), not having casual sex or by not lying.
In fact, I was full of shit. I was not drinking, because I had no friends I could drink with (and having "drinking friends" is a pretty low bar already). I was not having casual sex, because I was horrible with women and couldn't have sex with anyone in the first place. I was not lying directly in speech, because my actions lied for me (Peterson had an interesting observation on how most lies are not told, but acted out instead).
So in the end, when I am trying to get to know someone, I give them a my attention to see if they do what they say they do.
19 hours ago, Amphibian220 said:On another note, Made me smile when you stated you have to put more effort into relaxing. My day took a very good turn when I did one of those things that I have a habit of avoiding.
Starting out the day by nailing the most difficult thing first is a sound strategy!
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Day 823:
I had English classes, wrote here, went for a walk and had a social evening.
Day 824:
I worked out at the gym, had an English class, finished my monthly report, watched "The Man from Acapulco", washed the dishes and met up with a friend in the evening.
Day 825:
I visited my family and met up with a friend in the evening.
Day 826:
I watched two films, worked out at the gym, went for a run, researched some resources for my (master's) thesis and had a social evening.
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I'm using the template I used the last time. 09/06/20 - 23/07/20
"L" will stand for the (last) plan/notes for this term. "T" will stand for done this term.I added "Future goals/direction" to better reflect on the things I am trying to do and to add specificity. I will copy it and stick it somewhere where I can see it to remind myself whenever I feel aimless. I will also use different colors: blue for newly added goals/habits, green for completed/successful, orange for ongoing/some progress and red for ones I haven't worked on in that period.
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Active writing (blog/writings/journal):L: I finished the thesis and wrote here regularly.
T: About three weeks ago I wrote a few short texts here. I also attempted to write a start of my new blog post at the weekend.
Future goals/direction:
Finish Past Authoring and the whole course.
Write on my blog.
Keep writing in my diary here twice a week.
Work on "Breaking Free Exercises" from the NMMNG book.
Books/Reading articles:
L: I spent most of my time reading the uni materials for the final exams. I got through some newsletters and didn't pick up a new book, I'll see what picks up my interest in the future.
T: My inbox is clear and I have read the first two books of "Warrior Kid" series by Willink. They're pretty simple, straightforward and believable.
Future goals/direction:
Continue getting through the newsletters.
Read first two books of "Warrior Kid" series by Willink.
Family:
L: I plan to talk to all my family members in a private (separate) manner this month and... share my thoughts with them and have a bit closer relationship with them? The Spanish girl encouraged me to do it, after I told her about my relationship with my family. It's not that it's horrible, but I feel it is somewhat distant and that most of my friends have closer ties with their family members, even if not with all of them. I already expressed myself to mom.
I talked with my brother separately, though not about the "deep stuff". Relationships and sex were non-existent topics in my family, so it's difficult for me to initiate in this regard.
I talked a bit to my father about the topic of relationships and women. I'm gonna talk to my brother this weekend; I didn't see him the last one. I told my grandma a few details about the Spanish girl since my grandma asked.
T: My father helped me with a few things regarding the car and I am going to get sushi with my brother the next week.
Future goals/direction:
Talk to my family members separately.
University:
L: I finished my final exams. I plan to continue studying to get my masters' degree. I don't need to worry about the university for at least three months now.
T: I meet fellow students here and there, although I am not studying at all at the moment.
Future goals/direction:
Find more sources for my upcoming masters' thesis.
Exercise/movement:
L: I played football, went for walks and worked out at the gym. I am currently doing some exercise every other day, mostly going to the gym.
T: I've been keeping up with the movement quite well, despite the fact gym was opened and closed about the same time.
Future goals/direction:
Martial art research.
Work out twice/thrice a week.
Keep in shape (using walks/sex/exercise).
Social:
L: I started going to the Monday philosophy courses again. I'm predominantly social during the evenings with the people from the dorms, so I want to diversify my social groups more now that the CV restrictions are going away.
T: I started visiting more social groups that I used to visit in the past. I met with my geography group, English speaking evening group and others.
Future goals/direction:
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English:
L: My current workload is around the same number. The work's been going well, in fact, I am hardly ever stressed by it, especially if I do some planning before the lessons.
T: I have a few lessons less, but it's still nearly 20 hours of classes in July/August.
Future goals/direction:
I am going to send out some mails again to language schools and various other subjects to set up interviews from my secondary email. (do in August)
I am going to pursue closer co-operation with my English mentor.
I am going to check out a few more seminars on how to run online courses.
Women/dating:
L:
SpoilerI learnt that perhaps I do not have as hard-core of a monogamous mentality as I thought I would have. I'm also probably more aware than ever that everybody is fucked up, including myself. There are a few women I could think of in the romantic plane in my area. I don't think it makes much sense to be writing about specific women though. I came to the realization that planning in this area is usually cumbersome and counterproductive.
I cut one of the relationships, did sex and I'm keeping my eyes peeled.
I was predicting the change in my sexual mindset and behavior for a long time. I behaved and acted in line with it. I just needed the reality to catch up on it; similarly to that when I was gaming, I got fired from the post office several days after I quit gaming, because most of my (unsatisfactory) work there was done when I was still gaming.
In the past, I believe I looked at the more obvious sexual displays of others with both distaste and envy at the same time. Especially when I thought that I have no other option than to sit and do nothing or to get drunk and hope that something happens. It just took some time to internalize that the thing standing between me and a good (even if only sexual) relationship with a woman is... me.
As long as there are two consenting adults, whatever goes. Whether it's a good idea or not is another question (given the circumstances), but I won't villanify that behavior a priori anymore.
That said, a horrible relationship is better than none at all. The cataclysmic end of my last one was likely the trigger for me to quit games for good. Nothing is forcing anyone to stay and die in a horrible relationship, except the lack of options in one's head. (December)
I learnt a lot about the sexuality of women over the past few weeks by spending time with the Spanish girl. I learnt a bunch about my sexuality as well. I also learnt relationships can be more nuanced. It's been a great learning experience so far. (January/February)
I've spent about two months with the Spanish girl and this morning she left home for three weeks, after which she should come back. I feel that she's into me, that she cares about me and that she doesn't want to lose me (be it to another relationship or due to some quarrel between us, though I find the latter less likely), though at the same time I feel we both want to assert ourselves to leave other options available. In my case to find someone more "permanent" to date/be together with, because I know she'll be gone in the summer. In her case it's different relationship philosophy and uniqueness of every relationship.
To explain that further, she actually encouraged me to meet other girls to see what might come out of it, which is generally something I am not 100% confident at and could use some practice in. Regardless, despite our differences, I feel that we're willing to respect each other and not argue about them. (March)
We had a few talks together with the Spanish girl and decided we wouldn't carry on with the sexual element in our relationship. It was the first time for her trying to amalgamate sexual and affectionate relationship into one and the second time for me. I decided to take her for her word and not to push her into something she doesn't want or isn't sure about. I sensed/noticed that it's not the first time she's having difficulty in continuing the relationship in the current setting. I think that a part of good relationship is the ability to respect "no" as a "no" and it's definitely one of the things I want in all my relationships that go deeper.
I'm actually somewhat surprised by how romantic the relationship has come to be. I think we are both considerate of each other and already value each other to go through this in an abrupt or otherwise bad way. I feel a sense of loss in a way, but I think various factors chimed in to dampen it. Besides, I have learnt a lot about various sexual topics and I grew more confident in this regard. It's very liberating to be playful and inventive too!
This one is actually only a few days old, but I do feel attracted to one girl and I want to have sex with her, although I don't think something long-term could come out of it due to the factual differences that we have. Hooray for being human! (April)
We've been flirting and dancing around around with the girl from April. I told her we're gonna do something together after I am done with the finals and I want to keep that promise. I'm not 100% sure if it's the right move, but I'm gonna take the opportunity regardless. (May)
T: There are some situations with the girl where we do get close, although from some situations I also understand that I don't want to be too closely involved with her and neither does she. Though I like her physically and I think she's aiming at good things in life, I feel she constantly needs to put herself in messy/highly emotional situations and states. I can joke about it and laugh it off with her as her friend, but it'd be very different if I decided to be a more unpredictable variable in her life.
That doesn't mean random and unpredictable sex can't happen. The last week I had sex with a friend from the dorms I've known for over a year. We were both tipsy, though I think we were both surprised how that evening ended up happening.
I've been having thoughts about the time with the Spanish girl, meaning there could still be something I need to decode. I didn't talk to her before she left to Spain about a month ago and nor I gave her the letter I wrote and planned to give her. Regardless, I've thought about the topic myself. I found that the main idea is to take it as it is, regardless of what the reasons of her sudden April "cut" were. I also believe that sometimes the more loving and more courageous decision is to walk away to prevent more hurt and pain, whether due to toxicity (my X) or time constraints (Spanish girl?). One of the things that "got" me closer together to her was the care. She really did care for me as my mom or grandma would, which I noticed when she was adamant about the fact I needed to see the doctor. The fact that we could also agree to disagree was amazing as well. Lastly, she did catalyze more effort from my side to get to know my family better and closer.
Talking to one of my friends, she said the average masturbation for her is better than the average sex. I found that quite surprising, as I've never thought that would be the case for anyone.
To end on a good note, I met an interesting girl yesterday in the evening and wrote her on Messenger today. I really should meet even more new people. We'll see what comes out of this.
Future goals/direction:
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Additional activities:
Personal finance: I've gone from actively spending time on this topic to more passive scanning.
Chess: I still do a bit of chess every now and then, but not as often as before.
Marksmanship: I've been having thoughts about returning to this hobby.
Films: I have watched several films in the last month.
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Masturbation - reminder:L: I think it'll be as with gaming - I tried to haphazardly quit gaming multiple times, but finally by getting here I reached the breaking point. It's likely gonna take more than a few weeks and re-making the decision that I don't have time to waste. Ejaculation is easy for me to handle, it's just that masturbation overall is difficult to get rid of. It's a process.
This term was quite rough, especially with all the female attention that I've been getting recently. Masturbation is taking a toll on my sleep schedule, but I believe I will manage to handle it in a more healthy way. I'd like to think that I wouldn't do such a thing if I had a girl with whom I could have sex every (other) day, but my sexuality still my own responsibility even in that case and I have to deal with it in a way that doesn't screw me over.
T: After having sex, I found out that I am more accepting of masturbation and that I do not hinge on it as much. Maybe because I already internalized the belief that sex in "just another" (yet important) thing in my life or because it's easier to get than I thought. Either way, I sense more peace in myself in this area.
Meditation:L: I never got around to do it, though it could be that I incorporate some of it while working out or singing along with music or while on a walk. I want to figure out where to put it into my daily rhythm. I meditated a few times and I enjoyed the calmness. I gotta step up the relaxing activities, even though it sounds like an oxymoron 😄
I think reading + meditation might be a good combo, it’s just that I have to remember to do it when I have enough time to read, but not enough time to go for a walk at the same time. It's getting cold outside though, so I will not read outside too much anymore.
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Gratitude:L: I managed to sneak it in into my journal a couple of times, so that's good. I'm grateful for all the new relationships and opportunities that flew into my life the last month. I'm going to make sure this continues.
T: -
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Additional projects/misc/cool stuff finished last month:
Additional projects/misc/cool stuff upcoming this month:
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Thoughts, ideas and additional comments/gratitude:I think I have done a good job at incorporating psychology lectures I’ve seen/learnt into my life. I don’t want to re-live the experience I’ve had March/April 2019, because it could be deadly.
I gained the ability to plan after I quit games.
Life’s more colorful and more difficult to deal with, but at least I can look at myself in the mirror now and see myself less skewed than before.
I think I give meaning to things that deserve it now.
I am not horrified of free time anymore. This is a BIG one.
I am using my sociability more sensibly. No more trolling in Twitch chat and streaming.
Coming to think of it, I’ve never been overly anxious to begin with, just the normal amount. I asked girls out on dates on high school. I was just totally oblivious to the signals I sent/received.
I’m more conscious of both what I do and how I do it in relation with other people. I still get anxiety, but I act despite it. I stand tall and have my say.
I'm very lucky to have a mentor in the field I am excited about.
I'm grateful for everyone who has entered my life.
I EMBRACE THE FACT THAT ANYTHING I START DOING, I WILL DO IT BADLY. I CAN ONLY BECOME BETTER INCREMENTALLY AND BY PRACTICE.
It's less of a question WHAT I do compared to HOW and WHY I do it.
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Day 817:
I went to the car service with my car, had an English lesson, wrote here, talked to a friend, washed the dishes and had a social evening with my geography group.
Day 818:
I visited my family, packed things for the trip and had a social evening.
Day 819-821:
I was on the hiking trip.
Day 822:
I went to my mechanic with the car and I had English classes.
Day 823:
Today - TBA.
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It seems that my car will be operational for the next two years, which is good news. I haven't been using it as much as I would expect the last year, but it doesn't cost that much to own either.
The trip to the mountains for a few days was exhausting, but also pretty great. We were three and while we met other people, the mountains were empty for the most part.
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I'm getting somewhat worried about the fact the CV vaccine seems to be becoming the sole ticket to "normal life". Some countries have already made restrictions for entrance conditioned by vaccination - which is in a way fine, because there are still a lot of countries that do not do that and traveling overall is not my cup of tea, though I'd argue most younger people feel stronger about this than I do.
The majority of people I know mention traveling and convenience (no testing, forms etc.) as their main reasons to get vaccinated. It isn't compassion with others (as all the major risk groups already had the chance to get vaccinated anyway) or their own health. I never felt that my health is threatened by the virus; on the contrary, the gym/outdoor workout closures made it more difficult for me to stick to more sensible workout routine. I have also never left the dorms to isolate and to live with my parents again, as more social contact was one of the catalysts as to why I moved in fall 2019.
As less than half of the population is vaccinated (while I believe most people had the chance to be fully vaccinated already), I'm going to be unhappy if the government decides to make the CV tests fully paid by citizens (they plan that for September), if we continue to be required to be either vaccinated or tested to go abroad, to the restaurant or even to go work etc. I think it's fairly dangerous to disregard the opinion of half the people living in the country and to make their lives increasingly difficult by pushing them via additional restrictions into the "second grade citizen" status or to force them this way to get vaccinated. I wish there were less demagogues and more dialogue to reduce the division/polarization between people.
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Day 807:
I worked out, did the laundry and dishes, watched a romantic film, wrote here, read the "Warrior Kid" book, had English classes and watched football.
Day 808:
I had an English class, worked out, read the "Warrior Kid" book, watched a dramatic film and had a social evening.
Day 809:
I had English classes, rode the bike and had a social evening.
Day 810:
I had an English class, washed the dishes, shopped for food and went to the cottage.
Day 811:
We hiked and played football.
Day 812:
I returned from the cottage and visited my family.
Day 813:
I had an English class, went for a walk, watched a comedy and went to bowling in the evening.
Day 814:
I had English classes, robe the bike and talked to a friend.
Day 815:
I planned for a trip, had English classes, rode the bike and had a social evening.
Day 816:
I had English classes, finished planning for the trip and had a social evening.
Day 817:
Today - TBA.
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I found out that I am probably not the type to watch romantic films. However, I watched one pretty great chilling drama named "Ondskan".
I spent 810-812 with my high-school classmates in the mountains. I had some good conversations and it was interesting to find out what was new in the lives of others.
I had sex after the bowling event with a girl I know for over a year and we meet quite often. She is going for Erasmus the next semester and I'm going the one after that, so I don't find it very likely we'll meet this often in the long-term future.
I had a sleepless night, as I started having sore throat yesterday and today. I hope it gets better before the trip.
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Day 803:
I had my bachelor's promotion, watched some football and had a social evening.
Day 804:
I went for a walk, watched an old Czech film "Atentát", wrote a bit, watched "Rambo I", talked to a friend and had a social evening.
Day 805:
I watched a film, cleaned my room, watched a podcast with Willink and Peterson and worked out in the evening.
Day 806:
I went for a walk, visited my family and did some work on my car.
Day 807:
Today - TBA. I've been crushing it though.
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The official promotion was fine. My grandma and parents asked me whether I know this guy and this girl and that she looks nice... it was funny. We talked and had pizza afterwards. My brother wrote after he'd go to get sushi with me someday too.
I was surprised that Rambo (at least the first film) has such a great psychological dimension. He didn't actually kill anyone in the film (I've read it's much different in the book!). The film is obviously about war/fight, but it's not a bloodshed.
Sunday was not too good for me in the morning and afternoon, but I got myself together after talking to a friend. The issue was mostly that I was bored and having little to do these days, as I seem to be the happiest when I am constantly doing something. I took June easy after having a lot of work since the first half of the year was more busy (more English classes, Spanish girl, university studies).
Now it's time to get back at it. Working out, writing, English classes, reading, social hobbies... I worked out three times the past week (walked the rest), read "Way of the Warrior Kid" by Willink and I'm looking to get actively involved with women again/start dating.
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Gratitude: I'm grateful for being able to improve.
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Day 799:
I worked out, watched a great comedy film, washed the dishes, had an English class, watched football and had a social evening.
Day 800:
I had English classes, watched a sports film named "Dangal", watched football, went for a walk and had a social evening.
Day 801:
I had English classes, went for a walk, watched a tragicomedy, got through some work emails and had a social evening.
Day 802:
I had English classes, read about finance, worked out, watched "Payback" with Mel Gibson. I'll see about the evening.
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Day 796:
I had English classes, listened to new music, prepared evaluations for my students and watched "21 grams" in the evening.
Day 797:
I prepared plans and evaluations for my students, watched "Last of the Mohicans", went for a walk and met with friends outside randomly.
Day 798:
I shopped for new shoes, visited my family, watched football and chatted with a friend in the evening.
Day 799:
Today - TBA.
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Pretty slow couple of days. I decided to work out (or move) every day for the next three months. I have a ton of time and I need to use it sensibly.
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Gratitude: I'm grateful for the things I decided to take responsibility for.
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Welcome back.
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Day 793:
I had English classes, worked out at the gym, visited the philosophy course and had a social evening.
Day 794:
I watched "Gran Torino", had English lessons and watched football in the evening.
Day 795:
I had English classes, worked out, watched a comedy film and went out with friends at night.
Day 796:
I had English classes, watched "Battle of Algiers", went for a walk and sorted out a few documents and wrote this.
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So I've been progressing on my things in a lenient pace, or at least that's what I think. I still have roughly 20 hours of work a week, I go to the gym, for walks, outside in the evening, I visit my family, I watch films... Regardless of that, I still sometimes feel lost, that I am not doing enough compared to what I was doing for the past half a year while working on my university duties. A lot of the places I used to visit in autumn aren't open and the martial art courses I'd like to visit are gonna start in September. I need to learn to live with myself more often now!
As for the "recent" girl, I understand we're not looking for the same thing, even though I think we were attracted to one another at some point. I decided to take her for her word when she said she's not looking for anything serious at the moment. Plus while I think she has her overall priorities reasonably organized, it's impossible to plan something ahead of time with her. It's part of knowing myself and creating relationships that I want, that make me happy.
Interestingly enough, one of my newer students a few hours ago said I am fairly sensible and responsible for a guy who is 23. She's actually born on the same day as I am, though more than 10 years older with two kids. I felt somewhat self-conscious after that, because I know there are things I have to work on in that regard.
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Gratitude: I am grateful that what I do makes people wonder and feel inspired.
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Day 788:
I had English classes, went for a walk and had a social evening.
Day 789:
I had English classes, wrote here and went to bed early.
Day 790:
I had an English class, wrote, went for a walk and watched football with others in the evening.
Day 791:
I wrote here, went through some finance articles, played chess and went for a walk.
Day 792:
I wrote here, talked to a friend, visited my family and played chess in the evening.
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University, job and future:
I found out that thinking about my future in non-relationship matters is more difficult and less exciting. I think it is that way because these matters are more repeatable, long-term and consistent. In relationships, it always feels like you can do something "now"; that's not the case for studying at the university for three years.
The plan for the university is to start at the end of September and then go to Germany for Erasmus in February. I'm gonna calculate and fiddle around with the subjects, so that it works out well with my plan to do my masters in three years instead of the usual two, because I want to work during the time as well and I want to have time for that.
I'm happy with my job as it is for the last half a year. I learn something new here and there, though there's not much "hard knowledge" remaining I need to absorb. It's also stress-free, because I don't need to be responsible for equipment, people etc. I might have to cut some time I put into it in September, though I'll see how the situation will look like, especially after I am in Germany in February, as maybe I'll find a job there too. It's difficult to plan with so many variables.
Thoughts:
The annoying part about knowing what you want is the fact you know when you fail.
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Family:
Dad - Possibly the family member I respect the most. He's usually calm, rational, reliable and has good ideas. He's obviously not flawless and is impatient at times, but I hardly ever get into an argument with him. I'm gonna appreciate him tomorrow on Father's Day.
Mom - I can say that mom has been improving over the past year or so, though I still feel distant from her. I think she just spent too many afternoons/evenings out instead of being with her sons and there's no way she can make up for that now while seeing each other once a week.
Grandma - I care more for my grandma instead. I think she's the one who knows the most about me from my family (overall, I don't think any single person knows "everything" about me). She's warm, kind and reliable as well. She sometimes cares for others at her expense too much, so if she worries too much about something/someone, I help her to calm down.
Brother - I want to talk to my brother about women and relationships, however it's not easy trying to find an opportunity to talk to him. He is willing to help me if I need some of his expertise, but overall he seems somewhat fussy and unavailable. It might be because he's in his first relationship for over two years and wants to spend a lot of time with his girlfriend. I'm somewhat worried about the fact I don't find her physically attractive at all; I know it's not up to me to judge and I can't speak for her personality, but it's gonna start being my problem at least a bit if they get married and have kids.
Other:
Overall, I know I keep repeating this, but I want to work on having stronger relationships with men, as I think 90% of my 1-on-1 interactions are with women.
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Women:
18/06
I've been letting my mind roam freely this morning. Mostly about relationships, but also about my job and university.
I didn't end up talking to the Spanish girl. I wrote her a message on Tuesday, she didn't reply and she changed her phone number back to her Spanish one soon after. I'm not fussy enough to think it was because of me, but I think she noticed the message and just didn't reply. I saw her a few times after that and could have talked to her, but I figured none of us really wanted to do that.
After I finished writing my reflection on Wednesday, I had a novel thought about what happened. I basically met her as somebody who couldn't travel (CV), have a job (no working visa) and had to next to no university obligations (she finished her bachelor studies with one subject in her final semester and didn't have to write the thesis). I was the best thing to "do" for her at the time. That all started changing in April, when she could realistically start traveling and started to work on some project/searching for an internship for the summer. My obligations have been quite constant from January to May, so I never really went "overboard" into the relationship.
I don't know how true the above paragraph is, but I think it sounds reasonable. It doesn't make me an idiot and it doesn't demonize her either. It also explains well why she fell in love with me and then out of it fairly quickly. I don't think any of us could've "seen" this unfold in the way it did.
It also goes well with Glover's rule about dating/getting to know the person for at least three months before having sex for a serious relationship, possibly dating/exploring multiple women this way at once. Something to think about, as with my X I had sex on the second date and with the Spanish girl had sex the night we met. I also seem to throw the other potential relationships I have out of the window when I start having sex.
19/06
Continuing.
I guess what made me scared was that I never talk to her again, just like it happened with my X. That's possibly the case for 95% of people I have met in my life and I never blinked an eye that I am 95% sure I am not meeting them again. I think I was caught aback by the fact we didn't keep on doing things together until she had to leave a few days ago.
Things are interesting between me and the girl from the end of April. We talk, flirt and I'd argue 95% people would think we are having sex together. I'm gonna wait and be patient and see what comes out of this, if anything. Meanwhile, there other women I can ask out, meet, talk to and spend some time with.
Thoughts:
Sex - what's ubiquitous isn't valuable. If it's too easy, I don't value it and then it isn't worth it.
I need to become more pragmatic, less naive and resilient to rejection.
I have to work on not using alcohol. I think there was no first physical romantic/sexual interaction I've had with a girl without alcohol.
7 hours ago, Pochatok said:Oh shoot! I am glad that you were able to reflect, but I do think that having a meaningful relationship with someone from another country is difficult. Hope it will go the best direction possible!
Basically the first few paragraphs are about this. I think now I'm okay with not seeing her anymore, as I think I took what was valuable from the relationship and let the rest go.
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On 6/11/2021 at 2:23 AM, Pochatok said:
I have not relapsed with porn for over a week; hope to be able to go for more than two weeks this time.
On 6/11/2021 at 2:23 AM, Pochatok said:It's been not too bad overall. I'm productive, passionate about various things, and only a bit lonely (my partner is going away for a couple weeks).
On 6/11/2021 at 2:23 AM, Pochatok said:Loneliness is hitting up at times. As someone who does not have very close friends (or friends that I talk on a daily basis to), there are moments when I suddenly experience high stress for seemingly no reason. Given that I (for reasons) do not really notice or feel "lonely" most of the time, I think that these sudden moments of stress can be attributed to lack of socializing. Well, gonna be home soon, lots of people to see there 🙂
On 6/11/2021 at 2:23 AM, Pochatok said:Porn is no longer difficult to keep at bay, but now I am having trouble... eeek... keeping good eye contact with people. I think it has to do with the fact that it is summer and more people are wearing open clothes, but at the same time I am overcomplicating the whole process of making eye contact. It has been getting better day by day but I need to keep improving more!
I remember I took up looking in the eye as a challenge about a year ago. It was interesting funny to see how many people flickered with their eyes or avoided eye contact altogether. The chills came when they stared back at me! 😄 It's said solid eye contact is a good indicator of interest though.
Have you thought about why you watch porn sometimes? Are you lonely? Do you want novelty? Do you want to make your partner jealous? All of them are valid reasons.
I don't watch porn, but I think that my personal "problem" is that I tend to fixate my sexuality on one person fairly quickly. That's somehow troublesome long-term, because I miss and pass on the other options that are available to me - I don't mean necessarily anything physical, but flirting. There's power in knowing that I have options, even if I don't need to explicitly demonstrate that.
The solution to feeling lonely could be somewhat similar - to have more friends, but I think it's only an issue if you feel lonely consistently.
On 6/11/2021 at 2:23 AM, Pochatok said:I have trouble getting up when I want in the morning. I still do, but damn it's a struggle! That is slightly odd given how many things there are for me to look forward to. Perhaps, when I am about to go to sleep, I should write those things down so I can remember them right away upon waking up?
I think that's normal when we have a relaxing period, that we just laze around and roll in bed more. There's obviously always something "to do", but taking the time "to be" is also important, so that we aren't just a bunch of robots with statistics.
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Journal: Elijah
in Daily Journals
Posted
I think that's the answer. Women come and go and sex comes and goes as well. But I stay with myself forever.
You are not "supposed" to do anything, especially after a few days or a week of dating. I guarantee you there are many more women whom you can like and have a good time with. I'm aware that's difficult to realize if you are having this kind of interaction for the first time though. Be yourself, do what feels right and enjoy the ride.