NEW VIDEO: I Quit MMOs and THIS Happened
Ikar
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Posts posted by Ikar
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4 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:
I always found it interesting how my friend circle evolved from college to professional life. Have you noticed any swings?
Definitely. I came to the university knowing next to nobody. I didn't have many childhood friends and the guys from the army didn't live in my hometown. Being at the uni/dorm exposed me to many different people and over time I realized which relationships suit me the best. My primary friends still come from the university background, but I've met a lot of new/interesting people over the last two-three years, be it through business (business partners or students) or through hobbies. I also think students are a big part of my social life. I even meet with my former students sometimes, if I feel we connected on a more personal level during the lessons. How did it change for you after college?
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27 Sep - 2 Oct:
I went running twice with my girlfriend this week. I met up with a few of the guys who used to live at the dorms as well. I've been busy with learning new stuff professionally - reading and chatting with colleagues, as well as with some writing for my website. I also managed to check out some Mememan comics/videos after a long time 😄
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On 9/28/2024 at 4:15 PM, BooksandTrees said:
Things are getting better overall. I have stopped working with the guy who bothers me and it's been a huge relief. I'm going to avoid him forever now and I'm happy with that. Work is great otherwise and I'm learning a lot with my new promotion.
I'm sort of getting more sleep on average. I'm still waiting eagerly for my son to be a little more independent. He's in a phase where he either wants to be held or when he's on his own, he rolls onto his stomach and can't roll back or crawl yet, so he cries. This happens within seconds of putting him down. So he's either on one of us or on a chair with straps whenever he's not asleep or doing tummy time and learning to crawl. It's a lot at the moment.
I find that my wife and I are doing better with stress but there's still time where we get frustrated with each other. But we're finding amicable ways to communicate our issues and come to good resolutions without arguing or fighting. I want a peaceful home.
I'm losing weight still but I'm still kind of miserable in life. I wake up, take care of baby for an hour, work for 4 hours, take care of my baby for an hour, work for 4 hours, take care of baby for 4 hours, and then sleep. I'm not doing anything to recharge besides sleep.
I'm not miserable because I'm with my family I love my son more than life itself and cherish it. I'm just noticing I don't have time to do hobbies or just exist and look at the phone.
I can relate to what you're saying about getting stressed and frustrated with your wife. I find (and I guess so does my girlfriend) that not all arguments are important, we just need to vent sometimes and that's OK. No need to take it too personally or seriously. I hope you'll be able to find some more time for yourself soon.
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On 9/28/2024 at 10:05 AM, wheatbiscuit said:
As for compulsive loops, the repetition in my RPG is obvious. For example, I clicked to build a virtual dwelling - and instead of gradually improving and sharing every aspect of it (even online) with other players, I opted to repetitively 'rush' towards maximum benefit for myself alone. That may have covered the challenge of patience and also the pro of security (in a few ways). Honestly, like @Ikar said of his own ability, I know that more real and relevant achievements are very possible, I'm again just afraid of intense competition, wrongdoing and general off-sidedness between myself and others along the way. In short, I actually don't much want to be 'too good' - I want to see sufficiently good things for everyone.
I guess competition is relative, it just depends on what you want to achieve. Striving to be effective and efficient is not a bad character trait, but that involves a risk of being too narrowly focused. I think life taught most people here that lesson with (gaming) addiction. I think being able to handle repetition can be highly valued in today society, but ideally in combination with other skills 😄
As for wrongdoing, I think that depends on the field you are in. Yes, I need to find my own students as an English lecturer (or rather enable them to find me), but the advantage is that both of us can cut ties basically at any time (with no or a very small loss). No resentment can therefore even plant its seeds. I don't have any subordinates who envy me and no bosses who can push me around. I just need to listen to myself and treat myself well. As for jobs, bosses can of course suck, but it depends on individuals. But I think anything that reeks of multi-level-marketing supports (or at least skews people towards) wrongdoing.
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20 Sep - 26 Sep:
I did some admin stuff, put again some work into the reconstruction of my grandma's kitchen with my friend and cycled at the weekend to visit my family. I also spent a lot of time with my girlfriend, going to seminars and watching films.
I had a call with an experienced English lecturer who works for one of the language schools and who did a few observations. I wanted her advice on some language-related jobs that she works, how to get into them, some tips for beginners really. We randomly started talking about marketing after that, but I was sort of surprised that her business know-how was lacking. It was a reminder for me to take advice from people only in those areas that they are good at.
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14 Sep - 19 Sep:
My friend and I put some good work into the reconstruction of my grandma's kitchen and managed to achieve some pre-final results, so some of the shelves are on the wall already. Spent some time with my girlfriend and friends and work. Nothing special.
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8 Sep - 13 Sep:
It had been a busy, but otherwise uninteresting week. I put together the final parts of my revised financial plan, went for a fun with my friend, spent time with my girlfriend, went out with friends. I had many lessons and admin-related stuff.
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3 hours ago, Mohammad said:
It has been a while. I am wondering why you keep journaling even though you are not concerned with gaming anymore. Is it just a habit, or do you find it as an essential part of your game-free life?
There are more aspects to it now. I just always drop in after a few days to reflect on what is new in my life. I also have monthly reports, which help me reflect in a more general way and plan for the future. On top of that, I also keep an eye out on spam on the forum and ban bots.
3 hours ago, Mohammad said:You mentioned you felt physically ill when you went on a hike on holiday. What was the elevation gain and distance? I am trying to understand the situation. You don't have to stay in a relationship if you are not happy. Did you have a conversation with her about all of this?
I am separated after 12 years of marriage with a six-year-old. We should have moved on way earlier in life, but we tried to stay together and wasted so much of our lives.
Making no decision is making a decision, so try to bring clarity to your life and make sure you know if you want or do not want to stay with her.I don't know for sure. I wrote: "Maybe I stop drinking or eating enough, get tired faster than her... I really don't know." We talked about it already and that's why she started going to trips with others too, so it's not all on me to satisfy her traveling/nature hiking needs.
But really aside from this, there's no other big challenge that would make us separate. We can manage all the practical aspects well, always come to an agreement and I can say my girlfriend makes my life better and she even makes me a better person 🙂
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2 hours ago, Mohammad said:
Hi Ikar,
I just came back to game quitters after a couple years and I quickly remember your name. You are such a motivation for me. May I ask how long have you been game free?
How do you keep yourself accountable and committed to this? I appreciate some piece of advice.
I can completely relate to your situation on your relationship. In fact, I am getting separated from my wife after 12 years of married life with a six year old boy. It is not easy and I am not 100% sure if this is the right choice, but we could not reach a compromise in our relationship.
You mentioned that you cannot keep up with her sport and travelling. May I ask in what sense? You don't want to travel as much or play sport, or that it is out of your budget and distracts you from you financial goals?
Regards,
Moe
Hello Mohammad, thanks for your praise 😄
I really haven't gamed since 21st April 2019. That said, I had a few occasions where I randomly came across a random browser game or watched an old stream of mine, but those are really isolated events.
@BooksandTrees once said that after a certain point, he stopped caring how many days has it been since he gamed and that he stopped counting them. I came to the same realization. Games are not something I instinctively think about. When I quit, I really saw it as a closed chapter of my life. I understood why I did it and moved on to activities that were better for my needs. In fact, I never even blocked Steam or did anything else than to uninstall the games. I just knew I was through and knew I just needed to do something else.
I'm sorry to read about your separation. I think it's OK with sport; sure, she does more exercise, but I rationally know it's good for me to do more sport. I think it would be OK to exercise twice or thrice a week instead of my rather random once a week now. She also motivates me to move more. Plus it's something I can opt out of easily, if I don't have time because of work, feel bad etc.
Traveling is a more complicated. It's just not as fulfilling to me and I don't see much of a point in it to do it as often as she'd like. It's not about time or money in this case; I'm happy to spend the time with her and I have enough money saved up to not work at all for a few years, plus the travels she comes up with are fairly cheap. The main issue is that I feel as if every time we go and walk/hike somewhere, I start feeling physically ill. Maybe I stop drinking or eating enough, get tired faster than her... I really don't know. But it's really hard to keep a smile if I get a bad headache, which I got while on holiday hiking, which I did mostly because of her. And obviously when we're out in a different place/country, I can't just pack up and go home to take care of myself. The argument then becomes "Why be together then?", if I can't travel with her even to a minimal extent (she sometimes travels with others too). I don't think it's an entirely fair argument, as I don't push her into my hobbies/interests either, but I understand the fact that there is a point where the partners are just too different. I'm still willing to keep the communication open and perhaps the next two trips with her will be OK, we'll see 🙂
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3 Sep - 7 Sep:
The last few days have been tough on me intellectually and mentally.
I have taken some steps towards better money management in my business (and in my life as well). I haven't made terrible decisions or spent money stupidly, but I have to rethink the allocation rather. It's mostly a question of planning, but it's still a challenge.
It's not easy to write this, but I don't know whether my girlfriend and I will be together. I'd love to, and I will absolutely hate it if we split, but there's obviously a limit. Traveling and sports are such a large part of her life that even with effort from my side, I don't know if I can keep up. I'm not writing this to blame her (or perhaps to show that my choice of a girlfriend was poor), but to show the differences. Our relationship is built on such a tremendous amount of respect and tolerance that I think is really without many parallels in today's world. She motivates me to do more exercise though; I generally cycle, run or workout at least once a week for an hour or so, I also started physiotherapy and got shoes that by themselves improve my posture.
On the bright side, she started looking for a potential new job and I'm happy to assist her with that, even if nothing comes out of it. She feels stagnant and bored in her current one, although she's more unhappy about the above. We came up with a plan though and we'll try to find a compromise.
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3 hours ago, Pochatok said:
i think that some people quit "forever", and yet drugs are pretty inherent to living in the Western world- it's really, really hard to get by without them. most people who i see "quit" here or elsewhere turn to other drugs- often without recognizing them as such. earning lots of money, attaining other status quo goodies, simply staying busy- all are encouraged and rewarded by societal structures. and that's the reason it is very hard for me to quit games- i don't conform, and not having those drugs at hand moves me towards gaming.
when i first quit, i immediately jumped onto the "success via career development + social status" drug. now, i'm off of that one- and games are making a return. over the last year, slowly, they really have been crawling under my skin.
i don't want to go back.
i believe that there is a 3rd option, where i neither conform, nor compensate with gaming for the isolation that results in me standing my ground, living life my own way.
and i'm looking for it, now.
I think you conflate meaning and addiction into one thing. I can agree that making a lot of money just for the sake of having a lot of money is a bad goal. It is a goal though, so the person has something to work on. The problem comes when/if this person reaches their goal. If this person doesn't have any other goals, they will fall into an "undefined limbo". This state is not easy on people, because they have no identity at this point and they don't know what to do.
Without making consistent effort (being dedicated, perhaps addicted or having some meaning attached), they'll never be known for anything and never get anywhere. They won't build up a reputation as a hard worker by working hard once a year and they also won't build up a reputation of being kind to others by helping somebody once a year. I think that's why "working on something" is generally considered a virtue.
If I had to hazard a guess, you derive a lot of meaning from (and perhaps are addicted to) being in opposition to "normal things" - your belief to not conform, to stand in opposition, gives your life meaning.
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I'm using the template I used the last time. 26/7/24 - 2/9/24
"L" will stand for the (last) plan/notes for this term. "T" will stand for done this term.
I added "Future goals/direction" to better reflect on the things I am trying to do and to add specificity. I will copy it and stick it somewhere where I can see it to remind myself whenever I feel aimless. I will also use different colors: blue for newly added goals/habits, green for completed/successful, orange for ongoing/some progress and red for ones I haven't worked on in that period.
Books/Reading articles/Learning:
L: Really the whole month of CELTA. It was intensive. I hope to apply at least a part of it into my lessons.
T: I finished the business book and did extensive work of putting it into practice. I am currently working on improving the financial management of my business.
I wanted to go through the CELTA materials again, but I didn't have time. I at least met with my coursemate twice and discussed it.
There were some opportunities to visit the speaker's club, however I feel the pressure to prepare and rehearse something beforehand and to be honest, I don't want to and can't find time to do that.
Possible direction/goals:
(Borrow) and read one book until the next monthly report.
Family:
L: I had a call with my family a few times and some messages, but I didn't see them during my time on the CELTA.
T: I met with my family twice and with my girlfriend's family twice as well. I had two separate meeting with my brother too. I'm currently organizing, planning and mobilizing myself for more work in the grandma's kitchen.
SpoilerSince October, the project of my grandma's kitchen has been my responsibility. Some progress has been made, however I know that half a year is just too big of a time-frame to justify. I'm gonna lay out the plan:
Weekend of 11th/12th March: Ask my grandma to give me a "free hand" in the reconstruction of the kitchen. She was hesitant regarding the scope of the reconstruction, which made me hesitant in turn, because I didn't know what to do. I want to convince her that she has nothing to worry about and that the whole operation will be fast.
Weeks 11 and 12:
Consult my father and brother as to the design of the kitchen and use the IKEA kitchen planner to help me out. Show my grandma the plan for the kitchen at the end of week 12 and get a green light.
Weeks 13 and 14:
Go to IKEA to get the furniture and other shops for linoleum and other smaller stuff. There's no need for new electronic appliances, so there's no need to get involved with electrical thingies. Transport the furniture to my grandma's flat.
Weeks 14 and 15:
Plan a weekend with my father/brother to help out with the reconstruction. Removing old furniture, a bit of demolition, painting, putting in the new furniture. Get it done well and ASAP.
NOT: I don't want to get alienated from my family.
Possible direction/goals:
Work on getting the new kitchen for my grandma.
Continue work on maintaining the relationships with my family.
Business/English:
L: I am 99% safe to say that I am a CELTA qualified tutor at this point. I'll probably cancel the rest of the agency courses from September, but I'll see in August.
T: I started some important projects in August, among them are: setting higher prices, contacting old students with offers for re-engagement and the website improvement project. We'll see how they go.
From the numbers below, it's clear that I didn't have many language school courses during the summer. Many companies cut language school courses during the summer completely. For my financial stability over the summer, it is really better when I have my own courses, because individual people only cancel the lessons when they are on holiday (2 or 3 weeks, but not 2 or 3 whole months like companies).
I even got a pay raise in one of the language schools, but the gap is just too big at this point. I can earn 20-35% more on my own even on their best paid courses.
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11 (15) hours last week in August: Category A 91% (68); B 0% (5); C 0% (0); D 9% (17); E 0% (10). Brackets are % values from previous month/week.
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I've done a bit of an analysis of my courses and categorized them based on what they provide me. I earmarked five types of courses:
a) my own - well paid + generally more motivated students (as they pay the courses themselves) + more challenging
b) premium - language school courses paid at a premium compared to my standard LS courses for various reasons (roughly matching the a) group)
c) flexible - courses from LS that don't have a fixed schedule, meaning it's on me if I make time for them or not (though I mostly do, as can they plug the gaps or can start my day)
d) challenging/fun/prospective - standard LS courses with an added quality
e) neither - standard LS courses without any added quality
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NOT: I don't want to have a job that I don't enjoy. I don't want to have a job that is not well paid.
Possible direction/goals:
With my job position and student demand secure, I'm more able and willing to reschedule or even cancel classes in case I want to do something, mainly in the evening and for holidays. I enjoy having this option thoroughly.
Keep classes at a stable 20-25 hours a week.
Keep asking for reviews or recommendations from students.
Look into strategies to become truly self-employed by skipping the agencies in between. - check university offers after CELTA
Create a learning plan for myself. - going to CELTA
Go through "lecturer academy" materials.
Networking and business events.
Past projects:
Questionnaire - June 2023
Fixed logos on my website for better visuals.
Updated the pricing section of my website. Variable/tiered pricing (do in July/August).
Got minor pay raises from language schools. - summer 2023
Did evaluations/testing of my students, if required.
Attended one networking event and one marketing seminar.
Introduced "phone call" classes. Update website/business profiles with "phone calls".
Lecturer academy Brona. - fall 2023
Sample business contract on my website. - update the web with new ideas before July
Google sheets system for students. - update it
Questionnaire part 2 - January 2024
Canceled agency courses - March
Taxes - April/May
60/55 minutes online transition - April/May
Questionnaire part 3 - June
CELTA - July
Contacted old students with offers - Aug/Sep 2024
Raised prices - from Sep
Website improvement project - from Aug
Exercise/Movement:
L: None of that this July. I went for a few walks, but no heavier exercise. I might want to set up a GP's periodical examination soon though.
T: I was more active this month, going for trips with my girlfriend and cycling occasionally. I also started going to physiotherapy and visited my GP, everything seems to be OK.
NOT: I don't want to become fat.
Possible direction/goals:
I enjoy the fact I do not have to be "actively" dealing with this area of my life, as it's technically a part of my job. I just have to be on lookout if that was to change.
Keep in shape.
Blogging:
L: I actually got a spur of inspiration and wrote an article in two days. Wow 😄
I had an idea for an article and I wanted to write it, but then I did something more urgent and I haven't had the time since. Oh well.
T: I had another burst of inspiration some day in the late evening and managed to push out an article in about an hour and something.
Possible direction/goals:
Find a suitable UI/web template.
Set up emailing for subs.
Post two articles a month.
Polish links in articles. Interlink new articles with old ones.
Finish articles in concepts.
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What to do if I am bored?
Replacement activities for 1 hour: reading books, cleaning, washing the dishes, reading newsletters
Replacement activities for 2 hours: going for a walk, work on my business, blogging
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Additional thoughts/activities:
My porn use got better in August, but it's still rather haphazard.
I'm now more open to working abroad now after taking the CELTA. I also met many new and interesting people and managed to meet a few older friends.
My priorities for the next six weeks:
Prepare for the CELTA English teaching course that starts in six weeks. - done
I want to work on the questionnaire part 3 in May/June as well. - done
Reconstruct my grandma's kitchen.
My hobbies are: personal finance, graphs/projections/statistics, gunnery, GIS/statistics, reading/videos about (modern) history, English, working on my business, blogging/writing, geography.
This month, I did these cool activities: going for trips with my girlfriend, watching films with my girlfriend, meeting with friends, playing billiard, going to the shooting range, writing a blog post, working on my business, starting physiotherapy, going out with my brother twice, finishing the business book.
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Goals/resolutions/aspirations for 2024:
Main must-have plans for 2024:
Prepare for (Feb-June) and successfully make (July-August) the CELTA certificate course.
Finish the university in January. In case something goes horribly wrong, then in May. I've got this.
Move in with my girlfriend in April.
Set up the new kitchen for my grandma.
Optional nice-to-have plans for 2024:
Re-start my financial blog in February.
Learn how to type with all ten fingers on the keyboard.
Habits:
Stop watching porn (again).
Start getting up when my alarm rings = Put my alarm across the room.
Establish flossing at least once a week.
Exercise regularly.
Continue: planning, walking/exercising, writing/journaling, reading, working on good life/work balance.
It's a short list, but if I manage all of it, I will be happy.
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26 Aug - 31 Aug:
I got new shoes, did some physiotherapeutic exercising, went to workout with other guys, worked on my website development, got more knowledge to exercise better financial self-control, went out to see an improvisation show with my girlfriend, visited my family and met up with friends twice this week.
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Some good news. My girlfriend reunited with a friend who cut contact with her after we started dating. We also cleared up the topic of sports and traveling a bit more. I'm trying to come up with things to organize, plan and do together, though it's not always easy. We're best friends and living together is great.
Incidentally, me just being me, I created one such event. As I wrote above, the job she currently has is not exactly exciting, to put it mildly. It's a local government job, where she is idle for half the working hours. I've known her for long enough to know she needs to do something about it and that she's wasting away there career-wise. I was tough on her about it, perhaps too much, because I made her break down in tears - (this is something I need to be able to handle better in the future; I hardly ever lose my cool in tense situations like this, but I think I can get the message across in a less crude way) - but I think she herself knows she should not go forward with another yearly extension of the contract there. She's a hard worker by nature, but she's lost in what she could potentially do. We came up with a sit-down next week to discuss some possible paths of development. So far, she's already tried a few things, but I want to encourage her further and to help her be more resilient.
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6 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:
Sounds busy in a good way. I'm glad things are getting better from the sleep perspective. I can tell you sleep deprivation is torture. How was the museum? There's a ww2 museum near me I'd like to visit some day.
Thanks, I feel much better now. I'm happy my sleeping rhythm is back in order now.
The museum was OK and modern, so it was also quite interactive. It was mostly focused on the region of Czechia I am from. It was "just" OK for me, because I already know/studied a lot about WWII in general and visited other museums, but I still wanted to visit this particular one. My girlfriend was quite angry though, as she felt that a lot of the important context was missing, especially how the Soviets turned from liberators in 1945 to rulers in 1948 and later. This was better depicted in the Polish museum we visited a year or two ago. Over the years, I came to the conclusion that the Soviet regime was almost as equally horrible as the Nazi one. It was a miracle that there was no direct confrontation between the East and the West.
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4 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:
I feel better overall. I've connected so much with my son over the past few weeks. I have to say that I love him more than anything in this world. It's unreal how strong the bond is. I love him so much that it hurts and that I'd do anything to protect him and keep him safe. I've also never felt so loved and wanted by anyone before. He just leans over to me and raises his hands for me to hold him and I can feel his body melt into me for comfort. It just makes me so emotional. I'm so grateful.
That sounds lovely! And he's already half a year old! I'm also curious about how it'll be for me when I have kids 😄
4 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:I took some time off from work and spent more time with family. I'm also succeeding more at work. It feels like work is my video game now and I want to be as elite and efficient as possible. It's an interesting perspective.
I have also lost 15 lbs in the past few months. I'm hoping to lose another 30 in the next year. I went to a dietician and learned a lot. I want to take better care of myself.
Good job on both! Regarding weight, there is a saying: "You cannot outpace a shitty diet." Weight control is best done through good diet and good eating habits. It's great you are tackling the problem of stress eating as well.
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19 Aug - 25 Aug:
I visited my doctor on Monday and had one more bad night, because I couldn't sleep, but I got better after that. I'm happy I feel well again.
I went for physiotherapy on Wednesday after... well, after a few years of planning it. I've known the guy for maybe a year, so I decided to just go for it. I got some exercises and I'm looking forward to my next visit this Wednesday.
I also finished the business book, although I will come back to it over the next few days, as there are some things I haven't done/processed yet.
Went for a walk to the nature and an army museum with my girlfriend on Saturday. Also watched a historical film about the 1968 occupation of Czechoslovakia. We went shopping for new shorts and shoes yesterday too.
Gonna do some business work today, as I just have one lesson in the evening and no other obligations.
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2 hours ago, Wildermyth said:
Haven't thought about video games in any significant way lately. I reckoned there was a new WoW expansion coming out by all the commercials on Youtube, and also some new open world Star Wars game. But all I could think was that they both looked like a giant waste of my precious time. I don't have to play them to understand that most of my time with them would've been spent repeating mundane tasks over empty maps with the only goal to increase a number on my screen; as if that number somehow mattered and made me grow in any meaningful way as a person. Anyone with a sound mind understands that such an experience should only hold your attention for a couple of minutes at most, yet here we are - where people are wasting their entire lives chasing that artificial dream of virtual greatness.
When you start to look at it as a bystander the picture really becomes clear and depressing. No matter how beautiful and creative these digital worlds can become they still ask too much by giving so little in return. It really is an awful tradeoff that we should never invite into our lives.
I think the tragedy plays out when somebody decides that "this thing" is the only thing that matters in their lives. I think life is best with a few universal (exercise, good food, relationships, meaningful work etc.) and few personal (anything really) things/areas of development.
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On 8/24/2024 at 1:05 AM, wheatbiscuit said:
The first times that I thought 'which day of the week it is doesn't matter' frightened me. This is because I have cared about mine and other's routines for most forever.
The importance of exercising on a regular day, after completing a lot of to-do or 'feel good' tasks, before anything else (right after breakfast) can't be overstated for me.
For as long as I'm renting alone, I need a solid thought exercise to wake up with - anything from 5-15 minutes. I'll be trying to work out what.
I think I actually don't care about what day of the week it is, though I still work with my students during the week and do other related work throughout the whole week. I do sometimes feel the limits of being relatively unstructured though; lessons at different times, hardly any "set" obligations. My main routines are waking up around 6-7, having a breakfast and going to bed around 22-23. I'm trying to exercise more now though. There are many habits/routines I should do/establish, but it actually seems like quite a lot. Can't do everything if the day has only 24 hours.
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14 Aug - 18 Aug:
Had two family meetings on Friday and Saturday - one with my girlfriend's family and the other one with my own. Probably caught a virus on one of those, so we spent the whole Sunday at home just lying around in the flat and talking or watching stuff online. Definitely feeling better today.
On 8/13/2024 at 3:05 PM, Ikar said:When I turned 21, I quit gaming for good. I had a lot of free time, as I was unemployed at that time. I learnt how to be my own friend, colleague and also boss. I started scheduling my days, started working on rediscovering my hobbies, started looking for work, exercising, reading etc. I made sure my days were meaningful, no matter what they consisted of. When I wanted to work, I worked. When I wanted to relax, I relaxed. When I wanted to go somewhere, I did. In a state of mind like this, having a "work holiday" is superfluous. I have nothing to run away from and I'm already living a content, balanced and sustainable life.
The same is not true for my girlfriend's work-life balance. Her job is boring and passive. She often has nothing to do besides having to sit in an office. Whenever she has holidays (5 weeks, plus public holidays), she wants to get away from it all. Vent all the pent up energy from being passive. Reset and challenge herself physically.
This lead to a clash in our relationship. While traveling/holidays stress me out (as I don't get to do my usual stuff - routines), traveling relaxes her (because she doesn't get to do her usual stuff - at work). She loves to "physically destroy" herself while hiking. I can handle it to an extent, but to do trips like that back-to-back means I get to do exactly nothing "useful" for me, as after such a trip, I don't have the energy to do anything requiring mental effort. This weekend, after one of the trips, I had a headache so bad I couldn't even watch YouTube video.
Maybe it was just bad luck with the headache, but it just really seems I have a bad time whenever I go on holiday with her. I can't care for planning the holiday (as I really don't care), so she plans it, tries to make sure that I can "handle it" and perhaps even enjoy it a bit, something bad always comes up. I'm trying to be a good boyfriend, but I don't know if there's a solution to this problem that also includes going to holidays together.
I found out I was partly wrong. I knew my girlfriend was more active physically/more sports-oriented on the second date we had. Maybe I thought I was too, but needed a little nudge to get me going. Even if I didn't like sport at all, regular exercise is healthy and everyone should do it, so that should be my motivation as well. Anyway, she also told me that she'd like me to be more active in the relationship overall. I took it to heart and I have already planned and did a thing or two. I'm happy that we can be straight with one another.
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7 hours ago, Pochatok said:
i dislike porn b/c it is problematic, fundamentally. i think that conventional sexualizing is indeed quite harmful- it is rooted in patriarchy and dehumanizing. not all sexualizing is so- but in porn, it is most definitely such. porn rarely portrays love for the person, or even for all of their body. conventional porn centers (men's) pleasure in a sanitized way that ultimately damages my ability to genuinely connect with others.
i think that erotic stuff can be helpful when it is detached from conventions i shared above, but then it's not really "erotic", it's much more than that- romance, love, compassion, acceptance. all the good stuff.
cuz ultimately, i just don't want to ever center connecting with another person on pleasure. for me, it's about helping each other be our best selves- sometimes, that includes pleasure, but quite often it's a lot more complicated than that 🙂
I think the problem with being overtly sexual is that well... it actually works quite well and it gets the attention. As long as people have a part of an animal in them (which we'll always have), it's hard to defend against that and it takes real effort to opt out. Still, I am happy that we don't treat we don't treat women like means of exchange (there are places like that) or kill them as they did during the One-child policy in China, just because they happened to have the wrong genitals.
I agree on the last part! It's not always easy to be even in a good relationship 😄
7 hours ago, Pochatok said:i'll let tomorrow me provide some clarity here. but for now, let's set my dreams clear again- because doing so publicly gives me some accountability ❤️
- i want to be buried in russia
- to educate russians, in russia, on liberation stuff- queerness, autonomy, compassion, etc.
- to make russia a livable place for liberation stuff
- to help ukraine win the war- that's the very first step towards a free russia. if russia wins, i doubt there will be any positive change for its people...
here is the trouble-making part: how do i make myself helpful to a cause that's so far away? i feel damn useless. my prior dreams were all about doing something that i found useful. now, it's about figuring out what others (ukranians) may find useful. and the problem is, i'm not in conversation with any of those people! and, a lot of them don't have easy answers either- war is not something that can be won overnight, war is not something that can be significantly influenced on an individual level, or by an individual's talent.
I have a friend from Russia. He's been here in Czechia for about five years, studying and now living a normal working like in a factory, yet his mom is in Russia. On one hand, I think he wants Ukraine to restore its borders, on the other he doesn't see a peaceful transition happening in Russia if Ukraine achieves this. It's a tough spot to be in and I can imagine he's not really happy with any solution. In my opinion, I think volunteering/working with a non-profit helping Ukraine would be a great way to help the cause, while you figure out the rest.
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4 hours ago, Pochatok said:
imo, being a good boyfriend means treating yourself right! it seems like holidays/vacations are not themselves an issue, but moreso how much your and your gf's preferences diverge. that's a shame, but also does it have to be YOU who goes on crazy hikes with her?
whenever i find an activity that feels co-dependent in any relationship (meaning, an independent activity feels as if it can only be completed by us together), i try to examine that critically- most often, it reveals an underlying frustration/fear.i remember, i used to play badminton with my partner- we were partners, played competitively. we didn't make a good team, but my partner felt like this was "the time" we got to spend together. really, they just wanted quality time with me- and badminton did get us quite engaged with each other. but not in a way that felt good- and so we stopped playing in a team competitively, and instead played each other, for fun. took a tremendous amount of pressure off!
Thanks for your contribution and sharing your experience 🙂
We've already talked about her going to holidays with her friends or family members. She's gone to/planned a few holidays with them already too. The "issue" is, of course, that we like to spend time together, so I am expected, but logically also kind of want to be with her, even if it's tough. The problem also is that she has a LOT of paid holidays at work (5 weeks) and she doesn't really have any other way to use it. I don't have any paid holidays myself, as I am self-employed and I made my life in a way to not "need" holidays, or at least not so many. I'm actually frustrated about the fact that I seem to have medical problems, because I myself feel I should be able to handle a few days of 20km hikes in hilly terrain. I almost didn't get sore, but the headache was just too much to ignore.
I have to admit it challenges my pride; I should be able to manage it, but I just can't lie to her that I had a good or even an OK time when I had a headache for 2 out of 3 days. She admitted she's frustrated with her job and I think it's connected to always wanting to "get out" of the city. I think that if she had a job where she'd travel every now and then, or a job where she'd be more satisfied, she wouldn't have to "get out" so often. You are right though; I don't HAVE TO go out with her for holidays.
I think my girlfriend goes about it the same as your partner did. Of course, if I get a headache half-way through the hike, that's too bad and there's often no reasonable solution other than to just slog through it. I did and I think I can manage smaller hikes for a day or maybe two (which we could manage on weekends - which doesn't solve her "holiday problem"), but I just don't need it as often as she does. Her having (or potentially not having) paid holidays is not my problem after all.
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31 July - 13 August:
I went shooting with a friend, had a call with a fellow CELTA student, did some reading and yoga and played billiard with friends. I also had interviews with three new students.
This post will be different, as I want to write about my relationship with holidays. Historically, I have never liked holidays. Maybe I even have a "holiday trauma".
When I was a kid, parents sent me to summer camps. I had a bad time during these; not just because somebody was mean to me or because they were boring (although this of course happened a few times), but simply because I was away from my usual environment and didn't see my parents and friends (and perhaps my computer already too).
When I was a teenager, I had more autonomy and summer camps stopped. I spent a lot more time on the computer overall. I also spent a lot of time at school. Oddly enough, whenever I had a holiday longer than one week, it was absolute desperation. Being online, streaming, gaming and all was fun for a few days, but then I just got fed up with it. I just stuck with it though, as I didn't have an alternative.
Holidays got better when I became an adult and had less holidays overall (or at least got to choose when I have them), and worse again when I was unemployed.
When I turned 21, I quit gaming for good. I had a lot of free time, as I was unemployed at that time. I learnt how to be my own friend, colleague and also boss. I started scheduling my days, started working on rediscovering my hobbies, started looking for work, exercising, reading etc. I made sure my days were meaningful, no matter what they consisted of. When I wanted to work, I worked. When I wanted to relax, I relaxed. When I wanted to go somewhere, I did. In a state of mind like this, having a "work holiday" is superfluous. I have nothing to run away from and I'm already living a content, balanced and sustainable life.
The same is not true for my girlfriend's work-life balance. Her job is boring and passive. She often has nothing to do besides having to sit in an office. Whenever she has holidays (5 weeks, plus public holidays), she wants to get away from it all. Vent all the pent up energy from being passive. Reset and challenge herself physically.
This lead to a clash in our relationship. While traveling/holidays stress me out (as I don't get to do my usual stuff - routines), traveling relaxes her (because she doesn't get to do her usual stuff - at work). She loves to "physically destroy" herself while hiking. I can handle it to an extent, but to do trips like that back-to-back means I get to do exactly nothing "useful" for me, as after such a trip, I don't have the energy to do anything requiring mental effort. This weekend, after one of the trips, I had a headache so bad I couldn't even watch YouTube video.
Maybe it was just bad luck with the headache, but it just really seems I have a bad time whenever I go on holiday with her. I can't care for planning the holiday (as I really don't care), so she plans it, tries to make sure that I can "handle it" and perhaps even enjoy it a bit, something bad always comes up. I'm trying to be a good boyfriend, but I don't know if there's a solution to this problem that also includes going to holidays together.
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27 July - 30 July:
I came home, spent time with my girlfriend, met a friend, cycled, visited parents for lunch, visited my girlfriend's parents for lunch, did some lesson planning, had some lessons, contacted some CELTA colleagues, read the business book, worked on the no-porn course and that's about it.
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Over the last few days, I came to the conclusion that I am extremely grateful that the course is over. Not because the tutors were horrible or that the colleagues sucked or anything of the sort. I'm just happy to have a life again. The last month reminded me of what it was not to have a life and how it looks like to do just one thing (gaming). It reminded me of my basic army training 8 years ago, EXCEPT back then I actually got to go home for weekend and had some decent exercise. During the course, my weekends were about writing lesson plans and written essays and exercise non-existent. Heavy mental effort 9-22 every day, breaks mostly just for lunch or hygiene. If I had to do it again, I'd take the part-time variant, to let the information sink in better, although maybe I'd have more issues with motivation.
Glad to be back.
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I'm using the template I used the last time. 1/7/24 - 26/7/24
"L" will stand for the (last) plan/notes for this term. "T" will stand for done this term.
I added "Future goals/direction" to better reflect on the things I am trying to do and to add specificity. I will copy it and stick it somewhere where I can see it to remind myself whenever I feel aimless. I will also use different colors: blue for newly added goals/habits, green for completed/successful, orange for ongoing/some progress and red for ones I haven't worked on in that period.
Books/Reading articles/Learning:
L: Had a few tasks from the CELTA pre-course assignment. I also went to the speakers' club.
T: Really he whole month of CELTA. It was intensive. I hope to apply at least a part of it into my lessons.
Possible direction/goals:
(Borrow) and read one book until the next monthly report.
Family:
L: I'm not going to repeat the text I wrote a week or so ago. I'll just say that my girlfriend rightfully called my family out at my promotion ceremony on Friday. They were too proud for their merits to their contribution towards my studies.
I almost cried at the point when she mentioned it. I could count how many times I have cried in the last five years on one hand. I suceeded not because, but despite my teenage years and adolescence. I'm sad I'll likely never have close familial relationships, but it is what it is. I'm not angry, just jaded.
T: I had a call with my family a few times and some messages, but I didn't see them during my time on the CELTA.
SpoilerSince October, the project of my grandma's kitchen has been my responsibility. Some progress has been made, however I know that half a year is just too big of a time-frame to justify. I'm gonna lay out the plan:
Weekend of 11th/12th March: Ask my grandma to give me a "free hand" in the reconstruction of the kitchen. She was hesitant regarding the scope of the reconstruction, which made me hesitant in turn, because I didn't know what to do. I want to convince her that she has nothing to worry about and that the whole operation will be fast.
Weeks 11 and 12:
Consult my father and brother as to the design of the kitchen and use the IKEA kitchen planner to help me out. Show my grandma the plan for the kitchen at the end of week 12 and get a green light.
Weeks 13 and 14:
Go to IKEA to get the furniture and other shops for linoleum and other smaller stuff. There's no need for new electronic appliances, so there's no need to get involved with electrical thingies. Transport the furniture to my grandma's flat.
Weeks 14 and 15:
Plan a weekend with my father/brother to help out with the reconstruction. Removing old furniture, a bit of demolition, painting, putting in the new furniture. Get it done well and ASAP.
NOT: I don't want to get alienated from my family.
Possible direction/goals:
Work on getting the new kitchen for my grandma.
Continue work on maintaining the relationships with my family.
Business/English:
L: My priority for the next few weeks is to prepare for the CELTA course that starts in July. I want to work on the questionnaire part 3 in May/June as well.
I might want to create some list of milestones I've already achieved, in the type of "past projects" below to have a better overview over the work I've done over the years, but I'll leave that for the next report.
I did the questionnaire part 3. I expect to have next to no lessons in July and probably a few less than usual in August. I'll probably cancel the rest of the agency courses from September, but I'll see in August.
T: I am 99% safe to say that I am a CELTA qualified tutor at this point. I had just a few lessons this month, so I won't edit the numbers below.
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15 (20) hours last week in June: Category A 68% (75); B 5% (4); C 0% (0); D 17% (13); E 10% (8). Brackets are % values from previous month/week.
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I've done a bit of an analysis of my courses and categorized them based on what they provide me. I earmarked five types of courses:
a) my own - well paid + generally more motivated students (as they pay the courses themselves) + more challenging
b) premium - language school courses paid at a premium compared to my standard LS courses for various reasons (roughly matching the a) group)
c) flexible - courses from LS that don't have a fixed schedule, meaning it's on me if I make time for them or not (though I mostly do, as can they plug the gaps or can start my day)
d) challenging/fun/prospective - standard LS courses with an added quality
e) neither - standard LS courses without any added quality
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NOT: I don't want to have a job that I don't enjoy. I don't want to have a job that is not well paid.
Possible direction/goals:
With my job position and student demand secure, I'm more able and willing to reschedule or even cancel classes in case I want to do something, mainly in the evening and for holidays. I enjoy having this option thoroughly.
Keep classes at a stable 20-25 hours a week.
Keep asking for reviews or recommendations from students.
Look into strategies to become truly self-employed by skipping the agencies in between. - check university offers after CELTA
Create a learning plan for myself. - going to CELTA
Go through "lecturer academy" materials.
Networking and business events.
Past projects:
Questionnaire - June 2023
Fixed logos on my website for better visuals.
Updated the pricing section of my website. Variable/tiered pricing (do in July/August).
Got minor pay raises from language schools. - summer 2023
Did evaluations/testing of my students, if required.
Attended one networking event and one marketing seminar.
Introduced "phone call" classes. Update website/business profiles with "phone calls".
Lecturer academy. - fall 2023
Sample business contract on my website. - update the web with new ideas before July
Google sheets system for students. - update it
Questionnaire part 2 - January 2024
Canceled agency courses - March
Taxes - April/May
60/55 minutes online transition - April/May
Questionnaire part 3 - June
CELTA - July
Exercise/Movement:
L: Cycled, hiked, ran and went to a workout playground the last few weeks.
T: None of that this month. I went for a few walks, but no heavier exercise. I might want to set up a GP's periodical examination soon though.
NOT: I don't want to become fat.
Possible direction/goals:
I enjoy the fact I do not have to be "actively" dealing with this area of my life, as it's technically a part of my job. I just have to be on lookout if that was to change.
Keep in shape.
Blogging:
L: I actually got a spur of inspiration and wrote an article in two days. Wow 😄
I had an idea for an article and I wanted to write it, but then I did something more urgent and I haven't had the time since. Oh well.
T: -
Possible direction/goals:
Find a suitable UI/web template.
Set up emailing for subs.
Post two articles a month.
Polish links in articles. Interlink new articles with old ones.
Finish articles in concepts.
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What to do if I am bored?
Replacement activities for 1 hour: reading books, cleaning, washing the dishes, reading newsletters
Replacement activities for 2 hours: going for a walk, work on my business, blogging
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Additional thoughts/activities:
I wasn't very successful in managing my porn use this month. The environment was just too exhausting for me to manage it better.
I'm now more open to working abroad now after taking the CELTA. I also met many new and interesting people and managed to meet a few older friends.
My priorities for the next six weeks:
Prepare for the CELTA English teaching course that starts in six weeks. - done
I want to work on the questionnaire part 3 in May/June as well. - done
Reconstruct my grandma's kitchen. - working, on hiatus while I am gone
My hobbies are: personal finance, graphs/projections/statistics, gunnery, GIS/statistics, reading/videos about (modern) history, English, working on my business, blogging/writing, geography.
This month, I did these cool activities: doing/finishing CELTA, meeting with friends from another city.
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Goals/resolutions/aspirations for 2024:
Main must-have plans for 2024:
Prepare for (Feb-June) and successfully make (July-August) the CELTA certificate course.
Finish the university in January. In case something goes horribly wrong, then in May. I've got this.
Move in with my girlfriend in April.
Set up the new kitchen for my grandma.
Optional nice-to-have plans for 2024:
Re-start my financial blog in February.
Learn how to type with all ten fingers on the keyboard.
Habits:
Stop watching porn (again).
Start getting up when my alarm rings = Put my alarm across the room.
Establish flossing at least once a week.
Exercise regularly.
Continue: planning, walking/exercising, writing/journaling, reading, working on good life/work balance.
It's a short list, but if I manage all of it, I will be happy.
Committing to a digital detox - Mindfully engaging with technology
in Daily Journals
Posted
I'm happy to read that you don't have Duolingo as your only way to learn the language. The key is to really have many different sources and to put in at least half an hour a day on average. I've been trying to point out to my students that Duolingo and lessons with me (normally once a week) are probably not enough to learn English (in your case French) well enough. The main benefit of it is that it's 'free' - they just pay by watching the ads. Some of my students really like it, possibly because it's quite well gamified and that works for their personality.
I tried learning Russian using Duo several years ago, but I finished after a year or two, because I got bored of the app. It still throws rather out-of-context vocabulary/sentences at students, because it tries to be an app for everybody. Duo also doesn't train the thing most people actually want - to be able to understand and say something on the spot. Yes, it can help you prepare some phrases to use, but if the reaction of the other person is not simple, it's game over. And ultimately, speaking can be only improved by (surprise, surprise!) speaking 😄