Ikar

Monday at 04:49 PM

8 June - 16 June:

I helped my girlfriend with buying some dresses, as she hates shopping for clothes. We also cycled, went for a hike and a trip. Went to the theater with my girlfriend and a few other friends.

I did on my monthly financial report. I also have to plan my finances into the future, as the situation when I was more or less at net zero for a year or two has passed.

Been busy working on the website. I also did a lot of cooking the past week.

Went for lunch with my mom and read financial and English reddits today.

June 11

9 hours ago, WilderDaze said:

1. Elise was my very first girlfriend. She was prone to self-injury as she had quite a fragile mind. It started out quite innocent and lovingly but quickly escalated into abuse and constant fighting. We were both young and damaged, and we did not have the capacity to foster a healthy relationshop. It's easy to understand that now but back then there was no experience to weigh things on. A couple of months into the relationship I started playing MMO games. Elise noticed that I drifted away and became less wary of her presence. We talked a lot online during those days since we lived a long way from each other, but when I was gaming it could take hours between my answers. She eventually started playing the same game as me and this was when we both got caught in the imaginary loop. When we had fights we even avoided each other inside the game world. At one time I even tried to hurt her by logging into her character and stealing all of her most valuable things, which to this day is something I'm still heavily embarrassed about. We were slowly becoming two husks without clear motivation and no will to save our relationship. After a couple of really bad fights it eventually ended.

Oh wow, this is 100% my first relationship and my first girlfriend. It went down the same for me. Anyway, we're way past this type of relationship, but I wonder how these relationship patterns - either from parents, family or elsewhere - took hold in us.

9 hours ago, WilderDaze said:

Amanda however had the ability to moderate her gaming time, which I was envious of. We initially lived together in a really small student apartment as she was studying while I was trying to find a job. Deep down I never wanted to get a job. because I just wanted to stay at home all day and make progress in my games. It went so far that I started lying about going to work, so that I could focus all my attention on gaming.

9 hours ago, WilderDaze said:

We had a long and difficult talk on the side of the bed where she told me that I reminded her of a past experience with a drug addict. I showed the same signs and the same eagerness to make excuses for myself and downplay everything. She eventually broke up with me and threw me out of the apartment, rightly so.

9 hours ago, WilderDaze said:

5. Selena was the last girl I had any interactions with. We never really formed a relationship but dated for about 3 months. We had a lot of happy moments together, but in the end she got scared of what she was seeing. She told me I had lost track of a couple of important factors in my life, like my family and my physical health. She was right of course, but it pained me to hear about it so I shunned her and acted poorly. We didn't speak for about 6 months, but eventually ran into each other by chance. It led to one of the best conversations I've had to this day, where I was speaking the truth for the first time and apologized very maturely. Since this interaction I've never commited to anything romantic. Partly because I haven't felt the need or the strength to do so, but also because I've realized I have to deal with my addiction before I continue any further. I know by now how hurtful it can be to live with someone who loses track of everything, and it's not the person I want to be. I want my partner to have my fullest attention whenever we are together, and I want to feel a peace of mind whenever we are apart. I've never experienced a relationship without struggling with gaming and it feels both a bit scary, but also very exciting. Hopefully I'll learn more about this from experience in the near future.

I was wondering why I made this selection of quotes earlier, but I see some patterns how:

1) It might seem like a funny thing to say, but you in the end did have five relationships 😄

2) All of your girlfriends were correct in telling you that "something was off" in their own unique ways. Having a balanced life is very important for a long-term relationship.

3) All this experience will help your future relationships with other girlfriends, but also your relationship with you.

10 hours ago, WilderDaze said:

In order to find some strength and focus I think it will help if I reflect a bit on the past, and remind myself of how I hurt my previous girlfriends.

It's OK to admit past faults, but don't be too hard on yourself. You were together for a reason. If you gave it your sincere best shot at the time, that's all that matters. Hopefully all of them learnt something from you too 🙂

June 8

3 June - 7 June:

Started reading "Getting to Yes" a negotiation book. Went to the pub quiz with friends on Wednesday. Sent out the questionnaire for students. Worked out with my girlfriend Friday. Went the the VR zombie shooter with friends too. Played Scrabble with my girlfriend yesterday, on top of reading fin/ENG reddits.

June 3

27 May - 3 June:

I wrote my monthly report, finished the book by Parkinson and read on fin/Eng reddits. I did almost no exercise, as I felt very weak after my tetanus shot on Monday, except a charity run on Sunday. We also visited my girlfriend's family that day, as her mom had birthday. On Saturday, we did most of the remaining work at my grandma's kitchen, so it's now fully operational. I expect one or two more visits for the finishing touches and a cleanup. I had a meeting about my new website yesterday.

Plans for the next few days: Work on a few tasks regarding the website and finish the rework of my questionnaire for students.

May 27

I'm using the template I used the last time. 16/3/25 - 27/5/25

"L" will stand for the (last) plan/notes for this term. "T" will stand for done this term.

I added "Future goals/direction" to better reflect on the things I am trying to do and to add specificity. I will copy it and stick it somewhere where I can see it to remind myself whenever I feel aimless. I will also use different colors: blue for newly added goals/habits, green for completed/successful, orange for ongoing/some progress and red for ones I haven't worked on in that period.

Books/Reading articles/Learning:

L: Reading the new book by Dawkins called "The Selfish Gene". I'm about halfway through. Read on Reddit about finance and English teaching again.

T: I didn't finish "The Selfish Gene", as it just didn't interest me enough. I started "Parkinson's laws", a small and funny book.

Possible direction/goals:

(Borrow) and read one book until the next monthly report.

Family:

L: Had some family visits. Also went to watch hockey with my parents and a family friend. Made two kitchen-related trips to my grandma with my friend.

I had a small incident with my grandma yesterday. We talked for about five minutes over phone. She was worried about... my brother envying me an 8€ banknote that she gave me at the weekend. In front of the whole family, as my girlfriend rightfully pointed out. She said she was afraid he wouldn't talk to her anymore, so she asked me to write him. He said that he might consider not talking to her indeed, after she thought he might envy me an 8€ note (which I frankly think he didn't even remember, as our grandma gives us stuff regularly) 🙂

In relation, my brother told me a similar story about her thinking that our mother is an alcoholic. I also just remembered the time my grandma was low-key saying that she probably won't live much longer. I think it's a mix of fear of abandonment, overthinking and creating doom and gloom scenarios and being paranoid. I guess insanity can take many forms. From now on, I'll try to be more receptive towards my mom and take grandma's opinions for what they are; opinions.

Nothing new, except we found out yesterday that the dimensions in the kitchen don't add up by a few centimeters, so we couldn't stick to the original plan. I guess there's always April...

T: As I wrote above, the kitchen is indeed 95% finished. My plan is to go there with my friend on Saturday and to finish the rests of work.

I wrote about the all-family experience above on April 16, but there's one more thing that came to my mind: I've always perceived my father to be extremely independent, micro-managing but competent. I think with age however, he is becoming more irritable, perhaps rash, and less competent. He assembled the car vacuum cleaner for my girlfriend and I, just so we won't do it wrong. OK, fair, but when he was disassembling it again after a while, he loudly asked who pushed the hose so hard into the cleaner. My girlfriend and I chuckled 😄

NOT: I don't want to get alienated from my family.

Possible direction/goals:

Work on getting the new kitchen for my grandma.

Continue work on maintaining the relationships with my family.

Business/English:

L: The first part of the course was engaging and interesting. The reworked online table is pretty much finished now. Pricing is worked out for now too. Worked on the website and I'm currently looking for someone to do front-end for me, perhaps along with SEO and marketing.

T: So I've successfully completed the lecturer course. Now I only have to use all this knowledge and skills in practice! I definitely have many ideas for the future. I finished the rework of the table for students, now I only need to let them know 😄

The work is still ongoing on some pricing changes, as well as on my website.

NOT: I don't want to have a job that I don't enjoy. I don't want to have a job that is not well paid.

Past projects: Copied to a Google Doc to keep this less cluttered.

Current projects I'm working on:

Website improvement project - since August 2024

English table update - since December 2024

lecturer trainings - ENG business February-May 2025

55 minutes F2F lessons (+ online reminder too); pricing updates

Areas to work on continually:

Keep classes at a stable 20-25 hours a week.

Keep asking for reviews or recommendations from students.

CELTA colleagues calls.

Go through "lecturer academy" + CELTA materials + lecturer course.

Exercise/Movement/Health:

L: These days, I normally manage 1-2x exercise sessions (or runs) and 1-2x stretching sessions a week. All that along with some hikes at the weekend and regular walks once or twice a day. I had the last cardiology check at the end of January. As for health, I also started flossing more regularly.

Did some heavier (lifting/cardio) exercise twice a week for the last month, on top of walks and yoga/stretching. The headaches haven't stopped; however it might be because of the altitude changes, so I'll test it the next time we'll go hiking. Perhaps biking is gonna be a better activity for me. I might go to the neurologist to check up on me. Flossing as usual. What I do enjoy is going to the sauna; and then to submerge in the cold water, it's fun 😄

T: I haven't stretched in a while, but I still keep on doing some running and some strength exercises. I even bought weights. My girlfriend and I went to some hiking and cycling trips too. I've been lazy about flossing though.

Went to my GP yesterday, showed him the cardiology results and my blood pressure measurements. I also realized I often get headaches 1-2 days after a day of heavy physical activity. I need to be more mindful of relaxing properly afterwards, alongside with drinking and eating well.

NOT: I don't want to become fat.

Possible direction/goals:

Keep in shape by exercising at least twice a week for 30-60 minutes.

Social + personal hobbies + free time:

L: I did these cool activities: having a board-game night with friends, visiting my girlfriend's family, reading about finance, reading about English, attending a FIRE meeting, meeting with friends, going to the shooting range, going to the sauna, going biking, going to an improvisation show.

T: Attended the book festival, watched some films, talks and conferences with my girlfriend. I also attended some board-game evenings, FIRE meetings. Played table football, billiard and a pub quiz too. Watched the hockey championship.

---

For thought:

Maybe I should just learn to plan better, though just the thought of having some hours of my day scheduled makes me cringe. Oddly enough, I don't get this feeling while planning lessons of my students, normally in bigger blocks. Maybe I should rethink that belief to make me happier.

I've had this recurring thought every now and then that I am often somehow prevented from what I want to do in my free time; basically whenever I am not with students or sleeping.

No, I just need to stop reading and learning all the time and start doing things. Imperfect action yields results. Information alone is useless.

---

Plans for 2025 (check each month and color - red, orange, green):

Family:

I don't have any specific plans for my family, besides finishing my grandma's kitchen. I also don't have any plans of starting my own, although I've always said I'm ready after finishing the uni. The main thing for the success of that would be to manage time and money correctly.

Career:

The last year was successful business-wise. I got the confirmation for the new lecturer course running from February to May. The main goal is to get the website finished, so I want to actively cooperate with the other freelancers. I'm not going to set any arbitrary goals, except keeping my lesson work-hours around 20-25, and to managing the other admin stuff (preparation, mails, trainings) in another 10 hours. That makes the total of 30-35 hours worked a week.

Friends, community:

I am part of more friend groups and communities. I don't have any big plans in mind regarding this area of my life. I expect to naturally drift towards more libertarian, financially educated and entrepreneurial/self-employed communities. I find the most inspiring people there.

Relaxation, hobbies, creativity:

I intend on continuing the hobbies I currently do, including writing, working out or going to the shooting range. I also want to remain curious about things and keep on traveling to break out of the cycle to unwind completely sometimes. Maybe I'll get around to blogging again. I think the line between work and relaxation is blurry for me.

Physical health, fitness:

Again working out (and stretching) and flossing. I think my diet is OK. I might start tracking some indicators of body fitness, but I don't think I'm quite there yet.

Mental health, self-knowledge:

Avoid overwork and burnout. Keep hours on roughly 20 lessons + 10 hours of ancillary work a week. Keep on doing things that feel right. Keep on planning/marking down things in my calendar.

Habits that define you:

family - keep in touch with my family at least once a month

girlfriend - make time to talk every day and keep on working on strengthening our relationship via common activities

career - work on my education continually, learning something new every week, even in unstructured ways; sources: CELTA, meeting other English lecturers/teachers, reading on their websites, lecturer course coming up in February, working on the business side of my work

friends/community habits - meet with my best friend a few times a month, meet with my friend groups a few times a month too

relaxation, hobbies, creativity habits - shooting range, writing, traveling, blogging, reading, being curious

fitness habits - stretch every day, work out/run twice a week; floss daily

mental health habits - keep my hobbies, work and other activities in balance, try new things every now and then

a better tomorrow habits - provide great added value back for the money of my students

---

May 26

16 May - 25 May:

So I've successfully completed the lecturer course. Now I only have to use all this knowledge and skills in practice!

I had a few social activities - a FIRE meeting, a family meeting with my parents and my girlfriend's family and a pub quiz.

I've spent a lot of time watching the hockey championship, but now that's over, so I will have to find other ways to keep me busy 😄

I also spent a lot of time exercising, running, biking or hiking, sometimes alone and sometimes with my girlfriend.

May 16

Adding to the post above to reflect better in the future:

Worked on pricing, played table football tournament with my friend, been busy with the lecturer course, worked out, played billiard with my girlfriend.

May 15

22 Apr - 15 May:

I haven't been very active here recently, mainly because of multiple back-to-back holidays. Since Monday I've been busy with the usual stuff, including doing my homework for the lecturer course. I'm feeling somewhat restless about the exam next week, but I guess it will be fine. It's just draining me to not know how much time will my homework will take though.

Anyway, I got some small chores done I've been postponing for weeks, so that's a win. My blood pressure is better also!

April 22

16 Apr - 21 Apr:

The trip/holiday with my girlfriend was nice. We also visited the gym and watched Black Mirror. I also had the interview with @Marina 🙂

April 16

7 Apr - 15 Apr:

I had the last two days of the lecturer course. One of the days, we had an activity to write something nice about the other attendees. I can say that was touching and not something I'm used to 😄

Stark contrast to that was the Saturday with my father and brother in the grandma's kitchen. It was needlessly emotional and exhausting. I'm happy to say that really 95% of the work is done, the new kitchen is operational and that there are just a few things left to be done, something I can do with my friend. I at least had a nice trip with my girlfriend on Sunday to recover.

The next few weeks are going to be shorter because of two holidays my girlfriend and I planned. Looking forward to those.

April 7

31 Mar - 6 Apr:

I managed to go to the sauna three times the past week. I expect to have no time for it this week though, as my schedule got busy due to the lecturer course on Thursday/Friday.

I worked on the new website again. Regardless, there were some nice things happening this week. I met my girlfriend's long-time friend who lives in another city and had a meeting with the local FIRE community.

I find this system of journaling once a week and having a separate extra reminder for planning the next few days helps me be more organized.

April 1

1 hour ago, wheatbiscuit said:

It sounds good to me, having not much happening to speak of, that is - I thought the loose plan I shared last Friday was good until the time came later to march ahead with it. Stress ensued.

I could imagine how personal weights training with a (an actual kindred) partner would go for me - maybe 30-40 minutes of facing each other opposite with constant, improvised and repeated sets until breathless, or something. My first few 'dates' were all tag-along (for her) exercise. I'm a really smart guy. LoL - Did you go the whole hog and buy extra screw-on plates as heavy as multiple 5kg/11lbs?

We actually don't do that much cardio with the weighs, but the muscles do get sore afterwards. There's little reason to push it to the absolute limit, just to be completely sore for the next four days 😄 If I wanted to fully load the weights, they'd both have 10 kilograms, though there's currently no need for that. Anyhow, I'm fairly happy to be with a sporty girlfriend, it definitely helps me to keep in a better shape.

March 31

On 3/26/2025 at 7:59 AM, wheatbiscuit said:

Thanks Amph. That was basically my high school motto, and it was always at the back of my mind - until all the effort in the world wasn't good enough for important people in my life. Ah, don't I love bringing that up?

_________

Update: I spent a week online after a weak 'good morning' of sorts from wheatbiscuit senior (yeah, disappointed there yet again). That felt different (and preceded) the last 3 days, when I tried to resume the 'ultimate level goal' again. It's so stupid, and only 20% of it is fun, I just get on a roll until it's too late to avoid the pain and regret afterward. Will try harder to order my life more, regardless.

_________

Today I had offline therapy, and that also came along quickly. I had a good vent/emptying-out, though on the walk home, I saw someone that I thought was either having sudden substance withdrawal pangs or was actually in natural, gut-wrenching emotional pain; you can't make up the expression that was on his face - and I couldn't approach him. Something didn't seem right. I stopped to look back, as I thought someone was going to talk to him, but no one really did. There was a compelling force and a mental image to sit down by the person, share their pain and maybe join in with some tears, but my feet wouldn't take me backward or fully stop. Not only that, but someone who'd had kind words for me who I would recognise anywhere walked by me a block afterward. E-games or no e-games, I keep avoiding growth opportunities like them. That's my real problem.

__________

Maybe there are lots of people who are safe and sane for me to be with and not have to overcompensate around. I just receive so many doubtful signals from within and out - anxiousness. There are patterns of reactions I'm often aware of, and as my Dad often explains, 'No good deed goes unpunished'. I suppose that's like saying 'Don't 'virtue-signal'/expect a rewarding feeling for doing good'. I should look harder, too, for avenues to just do good out of habit. Today's workout turned out positive, after a couple of mental and physical barriers. At the risk of IDing myself, I probably sweat the most in the place by a mile. I don't like that much - for mess and towelling off frequently - but there was pride in it.

Have at me for using that e-crutch some more, I guess. Peace out.

~ Wheat

Don't worry, it's OK to vent. Sorry to hear your father has a bad influence on you.

March 31

22 Mar - 30 Mar:

Nothing much happened this past week. Spent some time with my girlfriend, attended some seminars/talks with her and watched some films too. Did a good job exercising with her, as I bought weights last weekend too. Visited my family too.

March 22

16 Mar - 21 Mar:

I've been busy this week, as I managed my usual of about 20 lessons while also going to two full days of 8 hours lecturer training. I had little time to do much else, but I feel good, as it was all quite useful. Spent some time now planning ahead and reflecting on the weeks to come. I have a lot of ideas in my head, but I need to start implementing them, so that there's actual positive change.

March 22

On 3/19/2025 at 9:45 PM, Yan said:

That's a long post, seems quite useful although I have only read a few lines hee and there for now, maybe will read it down the road. For now, wish you to keep up the reflections as you do 🙂

Thanks. There's a good chance I will, as I've been doing it for a few years 😄

March 16

I'm using the template I used the last time. 18/2/25 - 16/3/25

"L" will stand for the (last) plan/notes for this term. "T" will stand for done this term.

I added "Future goals/direction" to better reflect on the things I am trying to do and to add specificity. I will copy it and stick it somewhere where I can see it to remind myself whenever I feel aimless. I will also use different colors: blue for newly added goals/habits, green for completed/successful, orange for ongoing/some progress and red for ones I haven't worked on in that period.

Books/Reading articles/Learning:

L: I finished "Outlive" by Attia. Rather than using any particular tips or knowledge from it, I used it to push myself into more exercise. Started a new book by Dawkins called "The Selfish Gene". Read on Reddit about finance and English teaching again.

T: Reading the new book by Dawkins called "The Selfish Gene". I'm about halfway through. Read on Reddit about finance and English teaching again.

Possible direction/goals:

(Borrow) and read one book until the next monthly report.

Family:

L: Had some family visits. Also went to watch hockey with my parents and a family friend. Made two kitchen-related trips to my grandma with my friend.

I had a small incident with my grandma yesterday. We talked for about five minutes over phone. She was worried about... my brother envying me an 8€ banknote that she gave me at the weekend. In front of the whole family, as my girlfriend rightfully pointed out. She said she was afraid he wouldn't talk to her anymore, so she asked me to write him. He said that he might consider not talking to her indeed, after she thought he might envy me an 8€ note (which I frankly think he didn't even remember, as our grandma gives us stuff regularly) 🙂

In relation, my brother told me a similar story about her thinking that our mother is an alcoholic. I also just remembered the time my grandma was low-key saying that she probably won't live much longer. I think it's a mix of fear of abandonment, overthinking and creating doom and gloom scenarios and being paranoid. I guess insanity can take many forms. From now on, I'll try to be more receptive towards my mom and take grandma's opinions for what they are; opinions.

T: Nothing new, except we found out yesterday that the dimensions in the kitchen don't add up by a few centimeters, so we couldn't stick to the original plan. I guess there's always April...

NOT: I don't want to get alienated from my family.

Possible direction/goals:

Work on getting the new kitchen for my grandma.

Continue work on maintaining the relationships with my family.

Business/English:

L: My application to the course was successful! I've already had the first two training days, one about methodology and one about presentation skills. I'm hoping to learn and use a lot of stuff. I've also been working on an improved English table for my students. I've also been flustered by modifying my pricing in a reasonable way. Long story short, I need to charge my pricing in regard to my afternoon (and maybe later morning) F2F students. I currently charge nothing for traveling and I could have another lesson or do something else in that time. I also had a call with my CELTA colleagues.

T: The first part of the course was engaging and interesting. The reworked online table is pretty much finished now. Pricing is worked out for now too. Worked on the website and I'm currently looking for someone to do front-end for me, perhaps along with SEO and marketing.

NOT: I don't want to have a job that I don't enjoy. I don't want to have a job that is not well paid.

Past projects: Copied to a Google Doc to keep this less cluttered.

Current projects I'm working on:

Website improvement project - since August 2024

English table update - since December 2024

lecturer trainings - ENG business February-May 2025

55 minutes F2F lessons (+ online reminder too); pricing updates

Areas to work on continually:

Keep classes at a stable 20-25 hours a week.

Keep asking for reviews or recommendations from students.

CELTA colleagues calls.

Go through "lecturer academy" + CELTA materials + lecturer course.

Exercise/Movement/Health:

L: These days, I normally manage 1-2x exercise sessions (or runs) and 1-2x stretching sessions a week. All that along with some hikes at the weekend and regular walks once or twice a day. I had the last cardiology check at the end of January. As for health, I also started flossing more regularly.

T: Did some heavier (lifting/cardio) exercise twice a week for the last month, on top of walks and yoga/stretching. The headaches haven't stopped; however it might be because of the altitude changes, so I'll test it the next time we'll go hiking. Perhaps biking is gonna be a better activity for me. I might go to the neurologist to check up on me. Flossing as usual. What I do enjoy is going to the sauna; and then to submerge in the cold water, it's fun 😄

NOT: I don't want to become fat.

Possible direction/goals:

Keep in shape by exercising at least twice a week for 30-60 minutes.

---

My hobbies are: personal finance, graphs/projections/statistics, gunnery, reading/videos about (modern) history, English, working on my business, blogging/writing, geography.

This month, I did these cool activities: having a board-game night with friends, visiting my girlfriend's family, reading about finance, reading about English, attending a FIRE meeting, meeting with friends, going to the shooting range, going to the sauna, going biking, going to an improvisation show.

Got my car checked and everything is OK. Spent less time at the computer too.

---

For thought:

Maybe I should just learn to plan better, though just the thought of having some hours of my day scheduled makes me cringe. Oddly enough, I don't get this feeling while planning lessons of my students, normally in bigger blocks. Maybe I should rethink that belief to make me happier.

I've had this recurring thought every now and then that I am often somehow prevented from what I want to do in my free time; basically whenever I am not with students or sleeping.

No, I just need to stop reading and learning all the time and start doing things. Imperfect action yields results. Information alone is useless.

---

Plans for 2025: