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aleshin_alex

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Posts posted by aleshin_alex

  1. On 4/8/2019 at 10:46 PM, mattso said:

    Day 67

    I feel so lost right now. I won't be going to school for the next few days (at least) because of a country-wide teacher strike, so there will be an overkill of free time for me. And in all fairness this day feels pretty much the same as an average day of mine before discovering GQ. I just lay around dormant, watching shit on YT and beating it from time to time. I don't have motivation to work on anything, having long term goals seems like some abstract concept. Time is whatever, what's the difference between laying down for 2 or 4 hours. I don't think much would have changed if I just started to play again- my mental state is almost the same. Yea I know, fight through, don't ever give up... but for what? Does it matter if I become another average Joe working 8 hours a day and gaming away most of his free time? It's really not that bad... is it? Better than for many many people on the planet!

    I was riding my bike today and as I was going down the street the sun was shining in front of me and reflecting off the blacktop so that it was shiny, wind pleasantly blowing in my face, overall a nice scenery, and I was riding and thinking to myself "Why am I not enjoying this? How come I could before and now I can't? Oh right, because my brain has become numbed to pleasure again and that's why everything seems so dull."

    Relapse was inevitable with the way I was leading my life in the past few weeks. One by one, new activities were falling off, because "oh it's only one day off, who cares", and then I found myself surrounded by nothing more than what I already knew, and I surely didn't know much. Slight edge at work.

    I feel just as isolated from the world around me as I did before starting my detox. I exist, noone cares that much for me, so why not go to a different world that doesn't ask questions and just allows me to feel better. If I were less of a procrastinator I would've already downloaded a game and started playing it, now I'm on the edge of doing it, but I'm too lazy to sit down and download all the shit that's necessary for me to play.

    I was thinking of modifying something about my detox but now it's nothing more than a number that I increment daily and I don't identify myself with. I don't know if I should reset my counter because of my PMO relapse or treat those as two separate things... Who gives a flying floppydisk.

    It's all so tiresome.

    Hey, mattso, I know that you have now really not the best of times, but man, you are really fucking strong and you can overcome this shit. You haven't written in your journal for a couple of days, which is not really typical of you. I can assume that you have occurred the relapse not only in nofap but also in nogaming now, but if you''re reading this i want to say to you just one thing:
    Only you decide in your life what you want to achieve and how you want to live it. There are no depressions, your brain just makes them up. 
    Sincerely believe in you, because I am very impressed with your journal and your thoughts. I hope that you will continue to write here anything you want. At least i will read it...

  2. 5 minutes ago, mattso said:

    Day 62

    Well, my maths test went preeetty good, so I'm definitely happy with that. My 30 minute nap turned into 2 hours of sleep, but I don't mind it. Five Pomodoros today. Lately I've been thinking that I'm fairly self-centered. It's hard for me to appreciate others, when doing my gratitude list I definitely focus more on myself. Well, I've just read an article on this topic and it seems that I can't describe this aspect of me in two sentences, and it's late, so another time.

    I like how my nofap started 2 days after nogame- it means I can have twice as many celebrations for hitting a milestone! So, 60 days on nofap so far.

    I'm really proud of you, dude)
    Didn't read like all your journal, but i ll definitely do it later) You are doing a great job on yourself, i'm even a little jelalous of you)
    Go further in this exiting journey, i believe in you, you are rly very conscious for your age)

  3. 5 hours ago, mattso said:

    Hi Alex! It is remarkable that you have the courage to change your life in such a way. It's perfectly normal that you crave games now, so it's important to actively choose new ways to spend your free time- you don't want to end up watching YT for 6 hours a day. I'm sure you won't regret this. Whatever you do, don't go back to games- you see that they were taking your life away. Feel free to write about any problems you might have during this process, that's what this community is for.

    And don't be so harsh on your English level, your post was totally understandable, even though I noticed a few Russianisms :^)

    Hi mattso! Thank you very much for your words and advice, i really appreciate it)

  4. Hi all!
    I'm 20,  my name is Alexandr, i'm from Saint Petersburg, Russia. I played computer games almost constantly since august of 2014. It was at that time when I installed DotA 2 on my laptop. I played a lot of dota for like 4 years.. Because of this in the summer of 2016, I disgustingly passed the school final exams. I did not go to the college that I wanted and went to where I was taken to the paid department.
    But even in that college i still continued playing DotA and sometimes Heartstone. Nevertheless I finished the first year quite successfully somehow. But things got much worse in the second half of the second year..  I constantly played until 4-6 am every day, missed all my lections and seems to have lost interest in learning in principle. By the end of the year, after trying to pass tests and exams, I had about 12 academic debts. I was able to agree in the dean's office to take a year break to hand over all my debts. But since the beginning of September I have only passed 2 of my 12 debts. 

    As you could guess nothing really changed and I still played a lot of games, watched Twitch streams and Youtube videos and spend a lot of time in my laptop for no reason.. But still this year I only played in Hearthstone, but anyways.
    Now i actually decided to quit. Currently not playing only for 2 days, it feels not so good actually.. Very often i want if not play, then at least to watch some stream on Twitch or something like that. 
    I was very inspired by Cam's work and now I really want to change everything in my life.
    I used to be a professional swimmer, I was constantly the best in class at school until I met DotA 2. 
    Now i hope that i will pass all my debts till end of June, and will continue my college education in September. I also want to go swimming regularly again and maybe find some other hobbies instead of playing.
    Love you all guys and wish u good luck!
    P.S. I'm really sorry for my low english level :(

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