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montif16

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  1. The whole "might as well play video games cause it's just as addicting" thought isn't there at all. It's more of a "well I'm not helping the whole being addicted to something if I just shift it to Netflix instead". This might sound weird but the urges, cravings or rationalizing for playing video games isn't there at all. Maybe I'm gonna grow tired of Netflix. I've never really been that much into it anyway but that might be because I had games instead. The only real "Social media" site I use is Youtube. Although I don't spend an infinite amount of time there, I can still justify using it. I'm a lot into self-improvement and trying to get a better life or learn something new. That's why I visit Youtube, I never go there because of pure entertainment or trying to make my time pass. As for all my gaming stuff. I really only had my PC and it's kinda whacked. It takes me 10 minutes to fix a rattling sound that the fans make when I boot it up. That fact helps a lot with not even turning it on. I've personally only turned it on 2 times since I quit gaming. I'm keeping it, for now. One of those reasons is because Sofie likes to play league of legends, so she can borrow it if I allow it. This has happened once and I wasn't even home at that time. When I'm done with my education and travel to Japan to be a level 2 ski instructor, I'm probably going to sell it. Everything online wise I do on my laptop. I've deleted all my games from it etc. but I'm never really tempted to play games, I only deal with all the side-effects of quitting 😛
  2. 11-03-2019 Still whatever mood. Not much to say. My willpower to do anything is so down the drain. I still don't feel like playing games at all but I might just have shifted my addiction to Netflix. I'm considering just not watching Netflix and just sit there and bore the hell out of myself until I do something productive. This whole Limbo game with Sofie seems to get my mood down. It's starting to get really annoying. Ofc there is still the going nowhere interactions. She talked to me again in the cafeteria. At first, she was just talking with someone that worked there and kept him company. At some point, she started dancing and looking really happy. Smile so widely while dancing and staring into my eyes from a distance. Then a little later she came up to me and talked with me and the group I was in. She had her dinner plate in one hand and a fork in the other. At some point, she put the fork down on the plate to put her hand on my shoulder in a light manner, kind of like a showing acknowledgement. Again it was one of those things where she went out of her way to show physical contact. Later in the night, she wrote to me how my Friday was. In the beginning, there was a lot of ❤️ in the text but moved away from that and slowly just turning into typing. Nothing came out of that either just some more texting without anything happening.
  3. It helps a little to think that way that what is happening with my mood is a good thing. That it helps me get a more stable life where enjoyable things are more enjoyable and the opposite with bad experiences. I would rather live like that than having a zombie mindset all the time. I don't remember if I said I had any support from outside. But I talk a lot with my mom and sometimes my friends, aunt and the campus leader. I probably should ban those things like youtube and Netflix. I find myself watching way too much Netflix when I'm in a really bad mood and just putting everything else aside. Yeah, I am doing all kinds of things to try to give my life meaning. I go to the gym, read books or hang out with friends. Although Right now all that I do seems pointless. My mood just kills any joy I have for anything. On good days it's perfectly fine and it doesn't feel as bad. I do have people that tells me the same, that there will be bad days and good days. This section is kinda long but I hope you read it to fully understand. As for Sofie, I guess I will explain in length even though it's probably more complicated than what I can explain. When we first met, 2,5 years ago, I was a different person. I wasn't focusing a lot on video games. I was focusing on friends, girls and just having a life that wasn't filled with video games. I was a completely different guy. Confident in everything I did, nothing could shake my world. This isn't because I want to brag but just to put the rest of the story into perspective. When I met Sofie I was trying to get better with girls and have some success there. I found some very good resources where I learned everything that I needed. I was so in control of the whole situation with Sofie. I even knew what she would do and how she would react even before she knew herself. This also gave me an insane confidence boost and further solidified my "nothing can shake me" mindset. This period made her fall insanely in love with me. I was everything to her and she was everything to me, it was all as it should be. As time passed on the honeymoon phase ofc passed away a little. This didn't kill anything between us but I slid more and more into playing video games and distancing myself from everything including her. After 8 months to a year, I was pushing her away so much. I was too competitive in my game and managed to get rank 2 in the world PvE in WoW. At this point, I was annoyed when she wrote to me and I just wanted to play and stuff. This was in the summer vacation and she came to visit. She wanted to do all kinds of things that weren't just lying around at home but I just wanted to play games so I thought she was annoying. 2 or 3 days of her visiting me I broke up with her. She was devastated and still loved me. I realised after, during the vacation, that I was also devastated and I realised how much WoW destroyed everything in my life. I quit the game permanently and I came back to her after the vacation and I wanted her back. Ofc he was hesitant cause she had already been in the getting over me phase, but she still loved me. I've been told it took us 2 months to really get back together. It was good again for a while, but the same story repeated again. I was drawn more and more into other games and drawn more away from everything else, her included. She was holding it out for years with the shitty version of me and not the version that she was so damned in love with. Basically, I didn't want to do things with her because I would rather play video games. I didn't want to walk in the park or go watch movies. Truth is I do want those things but at that time I would rather play video games. It took her a very long time and a lot of crying behind my back and talking with others, even talked with my mom a lot. She's been trying for years to get me out of the video games and get me back to the happy version of me. Not just for her own sake but also for my own. In the end, she tried to move out to maybe see if creating some distance would help. We lived together before she moved. I was very hurt and I had pride and thought that moving out wasn't the right move. In this time I ignored her a lot and was basically stupid. I thought the only way it would work was if she admitted it was a mistake to move out. This lasted over a week and she came to me and told her how she felt. I decided to drop my pride and try to make everything work but this was a little too late. She had been sad for so long and went through the whole phase of this probably shouldn't be. It's only later that I've found out how much it has been hurting her. She's been trying to distance herself and trying to be just her own for a long time to try and get over all her sorrow. After that, I had a strong realization in my bed when I felt everything was crumbling around me. I was tired of prioritizing video games over everything. Didn't want to buy new clothes, hang out with her, be with my friends, go to the movies, clean my room or go to the gym. I prioritized video games over everything and now I was fucking tired of not having a life. I told her this the day after and we had a lengthy talk. We both cried a lot. She cried because this is what she has been wishing for so long. I cried because this is a huge turn over in my life and I had allowed us to grow so far from each other. We didn't get back together from that. We told each other that we were in an "interested" phase. Basically means that we want each other and don't just try to move on or find other guys. We both wanted this to work. Problem is that I've done this stunt before. I've told her everything was better like now and we found each other again and it was better, but I fell back into the old habits of being a zombie version of myself and pushing others away again because of computer games. She couldn't just jump head and heels right into it again because I've done this before and she's scared that this is the same thing. She's trying to protect herself from all of this and not get hurt in the same way as she has been before. In my other journal I've described a lot of our interactions since we've been trying to find each other again. It's a lot of me pushing too hard or trying too hard to make it work while she is scared and needs time to cope. If I try to move too fast she pushes back again and we are basically back to where we started. I understand why she feels like this. She's been hurt for so long and is basically in a happy place. She just wants to stay happy but she wants it with me if possible. That's why "serious" talks are kinda of a no go cause it's basically me trying to rush things. It takes time where she can see it has changed for the better and it's not just another move of me saying "Hey everything is better, come back" Don't know if this explains enough about why this is a very tough situation. We both want it to work but she's scared of the whole "The wolf is coming" and has been hurt multiple times by it before Oh and it's not only me trying to make things happen. She shows affection by touching me unnecessarily, writing to me about what ever random stuff and has asked if I wanted to take a walk with her and go to that blood bank. There just isn't much of prioritisation towards me. If she's busy with something else for the day, I won't be tightly squeezed in as I've been in the periods where we were just happy all the time. Fx a day where she only has 2 hours of freetime because of school and then work, I won't be squeezed into her 2 hours. We live very close btw. I can walk for 1 min and I'm at her place.
  4. 10-03-2019 Another bad day. It's really starting to get annoying to wake up in a bad mood. Still doing my Wim Hof stuff, it's the one thing right now that I won't compromise with at all. Sofie asked me in a message about how my party was. Just a little more dancing around the bushes again, things don't really seem to move at all. Although I did ask how her weekend was, that sounded stressful and pretty bad. Still, all this showing she wants and then showing not wanting is really tiresome. Pretty much moving more and more towards that this probably shouldn't happen and focus more on me. This doesn't feel like anything I want to be in. Unless something happens within the next 2 weeks, I'm probably just going to let it slide and stop caring at all. Also didn't do anything productive. Except for throwing dirty clothes in the basket and putting clean clothes on the shelf, I didn't do any of the things I wanted today. God damn bad mood 😕
  5. 09-03-2019 Woke up from a lot of shitty dreams the kinda pulled the shitty mindset up. Didn't really have the "I don't give a sh*t" mindset about Sofie anymore. Talked a lot with my aunt before she drove me home. Got some good feelings out of it and it helped me pull myself out of that really bad mindset of worrying too much and having bad emotions. Really sleepy today cause of the night out but when I came home, I tried to take a nap. Didn't really fall into sleep but it helped my sleepiness. Started doing my Wim hof method training again. Didn't have the hilarious side-effects as yesterday though. I wasn't laughing uncontrollably this time or felt insanely on top of the world. Maybe I held a little back with the breathing exercises but I was so surprised by how long I could hold my breath, which is a part of the breathing exercises. Yesterday I did 3 min and 45 sec but today I did 4 min and 51 sec. Was so insanely surprised of how long that is. Without training, I could hold my breath for 30 sec but now I can for 4 min and 51 sec??? omg... Also, it felt like I only held my breath for maybe 1 min. Kinda in a neutral state again. It's like I have bad emotions and then the training kinda makes it neutral. I can only imagine what will happen if I wake up really happy and then do the training No contact with Sofie at all today. I can't really be asked to make any more effort about it, as it doesn't help it at all currently and she's really busy this weekend so idk.
  6. 08-03-2019 Woke up to a message she had sent me at 3:20 AM with some totally "no need" message. She basically complained about some guy had knocked on her door in the middle of the night. I have a feeling the only reason she wrote the message was to start some kind of conversation. We did talk a little after but not much. In the night I was supposed to go to a night out drinking with my friends. Before we were supposed to meet I was very damn conflicted about whether I should go or not. I really didn't want to cause I would we 1 hour later than everyone, drink for 1 hour at their place then 1,5h in the bus towards the city and drink until 6:00 AM, where we could take the bus home and I would be home at around 7:30 am so that's like 13,5h out drinking and shit. I started doing something called the Wim Hof method and began the 10-week program. First time trying the breathing technique and Holy Sh*t is that stuff nuts. I felt so damn high, energetic and just all around crazy good. All the shitty feelings completely vanished and there pretty much wasn't any doubt about going out. The effect kinda wore off, the more time passed and when we were in the city I just didn't feel it at all. Wasn't hyped or really happy, I was just kinda neutral and there. I took my back-up plan and slept at my aunt's place instead of staying out till 6 AM
  7. 07-03-2019 Don't remember much of this day as I'm writing this late. All I remember is that I was having the same state of mind. Only actual thing I remember from this day was when both Sofie and I was talking with a Woman on our campus. I stood up at some point and said I better get going. As I walked out I had to pass her to get out and in the cutest voice, she has, said bye bye and unprovoked touched my arm and let it slip down toward my hand. I was still rocking my not caring too much about her anymore mood, so even though that was pretty "positive" feedback that she's still into it, it didn't really phase me.
  8. 06-03-2019 Had school and work today so was occupied with that most of the day. Although there was a 2-hour window between school and work. I went to a blood bank with Sofie and we had an okay trip. We came back to her room and I ofc brought up a "serious" talk. This cleared up a lot in my head and my emotions shifted suddenly. I've been feeling nervous and anxious about trying to make this happen between me and her. We talked like 15 minutes and a lot was unravelled in that short time. I don't exactly know how to describe was happening but I care so much less now if it works out this thing. I've felt bad and I've been hurting for 2 weeks now and I'm tired of so many bad emotions. I also came to the realization that this is how she felt before all of this. I've hurt her so much by giving her the life avoiding version of me and she had so many bad emotions and was unhappy for so long. Now she just wants to be happy just like I want now. Our thing is still going but it's different now. We will still be hanging out, but this will be because we like being with each other, not because there is this ever-looming threat of making it happen. We just want to be happy both of us but it would be nice if we could do it together. I've basically started worrying a lot less now. It feels like it over between me and her and I finally get that. I'm going to be hurt over that but still not??? It's very weird to explain. The state of mind I'm in now is coincidentally also the advice she gave me. That all this serious talk and trying to force it to happen didn't help. I can't really recipe what she told me but I know my current mindset is a long those lines.
  9. 05-03-2019 Started out the day badly. Woke up 6 times in the night where I was dreaming I was playing games. They all went the same way. All of a sudden I was just sitting there in the middle of a game before I noticed I was playing. At least I have cravings when I dream and not when I'm awake :/. From I woke up I was in a really bad mood. Another day with being too much in my head making every single thought into something bad. I was really judging my own life and how fucking boring it is. Did I really not have anything more exciting than reading a book to do? Basically turning all my activities into "What a fucking shitty and boring activity". That was most of my school day and the approach of exams doesn't help. I came home to do whatever and sat down to meditate. This time though I didn't just sit down to do a silent meditation as I always do. I found some old resources and some new guided meditations and omg was that powerful as hell. After an hour of full-on meditation, my mind was turned 180 degrees around. I was so happy and nothing could hurt me anymore. I'm still in that state of mind now and the meditation really opened my eyes to a new view. I now know how to forcefully take me out of my negative mood and stay a lot stronger. Can't wait to test out my theory. Although it's kinda weird to be excited for next time I'm in a shitty mood hmm. As for Sofie: She asked me today when she met me if I still wanted to go do something with her tomorrow. I was in the new mindset and was feeling so on top. I wasn't even excited like I normally would have been. My heart would normally skip a beat and endorphins would rush to my brain. Fortunately, I was already on my positive high from the meditation that it didn't even matter to me. Still happy to do something with her tomorrow but it didn't dictate my mood as it usually does. So today was a half and half but I now know how to get in a good mood so I guess you could call it a really damn great day.
  10. 04-03-2019 Pretty bad day. The Vibes from yesterday continued into today. My school was a mess, couldn't be productive at all because of the bad mood. Woke up to a text from her saying goodnight. I saw it and chose to not respond as it was kinda too late to say goodnight in the morning. Later in the morning, she said she was super busy this week too. It kinda came out of nowhere and we had a small conversation about it nothing really came from it. In my head, I thought it was really bad and she hated me or something. The mood took completely over and made it way worse than it really was. Couldn't do anything either when I got home I just lied in my bed and felt bad. I also found out, from the messages between me and her, that she basically didn't have a free day this week. There are a few hours where we could do something, but it would have to fit very tightly into her schedule, so it probably won't happen. At least I don't count on it but it's not impossible either. Had arranged a meeting with someone that is really good to talk to. Hadn't talked to her in a while about it but we talked for 1,5 hour and it was really great. She saw nothing bad at all only positive vibes between me and Sofie and made me realise some things. Also, I got to talk about all this instead of bottling it up inside of me. This really helped. After the conversation, I could feel that I had hit the low end of the wave and my mood was spiralling up again. I decided to go to fitness after the conversation as I do every single day. On my way over there I got to pass her because she works there. I used the excuse that I had forgotten to fill my water bottle so that I would get into the same place as her. Here something kinda magical happened. I greeted her and the eye contact we had felt kinda insane. She looked me so deeply in the eyes and I've never seen her look so deep before in my life and let me remind you we have been together for 2,5 years before. She wouldn't let go of the eye contact and searched for it multiple times and smiling too. It was almost as she could feel my mood had gone up and I could feel how much she suddenly craved me. So as I'm writing this I'm in a really good mood and the future is much brighter now. As for gaming go. I don't feel any sign of relapsing what so ever. Although I dreamt 6 times tonight that I had relapsed and was gaming. Kinda sucked but I was happy to wake up and know it was just a dream 🙂
  11. 03-03-19 Pretty shitty day. A lot of things happened without anything really happening. Most of it was just in my head. Didn’t really manage to do anything productive today. I managed to do double time in fitness but that’s about the extent of what I accomplished. Otherwise, it was a lot of talking with my mom. Really under the weather and didn’t feel like even talking to my friends. All the good shit from the other days with Sofie has kinda gone without much happening and that might be the problem. She didn’t write or want my attention like the other days. Makes me wonder if we are still 70/30% favoring it happening. Those 70/30 is kinda how I measure in my head how it's going. Maybe she just needs time to cooldown herself. Just because nothing good happened today, doesn’t mean that anything bad happened. The time she is taking alone now might even work in my favour. She’s generating more feelings and she works differently than me. Time away makes her want me more, which she showed the other days when she were suddenly all over me. She showed the insane signs of affection after I took attention away from her for 1 full day. That was Thursday and on Friday she was all fucking over me. I did ask if she wanted to do anything today and that might have been a mistake. Said she was already going to watch Game of Thrones with someone else. Didn’t give her a pause since we were together yesterday. I probably should have but mistakes were made and I accept and learn from it. Still not feeling any harm from quitting gaming. Not even thinking about relapsing, probably because this takes all my attention away from gaming.
  12. 02-03-19 Kinda lazy day today. Only had small things to do and was generally really lazy. Just wanted to relax and cool down from a stressful week. Ended up taking a walk with Sofie today. Had a lot of fun and some weird interactions. It was the first time we hang out since her interest had spiked. She was still holding back from doing a lot, but she showed sooooooo much. So many of her moves were all done just to show her affection and that she wanted this so much more than she had showed before. Still, I feel kinda weird though. Slightly in a conflict with myself, if I should pull attention away from her or if it’s my turn to act. Don’t really know what I decide to do in the end. I could write a lot about the interaction but I've already done in Danish. Let me know if this is something you want to read about.
  13. 01-03-19 Still wasn’t caring about Sofie today either. Was feeling good and It was radiating from me. Had a party in the night, that I attended to. It was super fun. This day was also very different from what the other days were. Suddenly Sofie wanted to write a lot and wanted my attention throughout the day. Kept messaging me and suddenly wanted to hang out tomorrow. Kinda crazy shift from her. Going from not even showing that she wanted this to be showing soo much all of the sudden.
  14. 28-02-19 This day Sofie was a lot less on my mind. Having the conversation yesterday gave me the freedom to be happier and feel decent. Although it was a tough day. I was drained from school, fitness and then my friends wanted me to go to a bodega. I’ve been giving her no attention or showing I wanted anything to do with her. I was still feeling good though and slightly forgot her and didn’t care.
  15. 27-02-19 I don’t remember too much about the day as I’m writing this a few days later. Had scheduled to talk to Sofie in the evening. Had so many feelings and thoughts throughout the day about the conversation. We had the conversation and I opened up a lot and told her about the truth. That this wasn’t just easy as I’ve pretended it was. This was also hard for me, to stop gaming. We had an insanely good talk and it made me relax soo much. I can focus a lot more on myself from now.
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