info-gatherer

Day 50 The project I’ve been working on in the last week looks much easier than the previous one, but that’s just because the general level of the class is extremely low this time. This is dangerous: I must not underestimate it or I will do as bad as my collegues, or even worse if anxiety kicks in. I’m putting all the necessary effort in it but I’m being too much of a perfectionist. I don’t have time to do the perfect job, I must settle for a small little thing. Good news are that I kinda reclaimed my post-dinner time. I’m studying or watching a movie or talking with my girlfriend. I seldom “mindlessly browse the net”. My main internet usage is in the vaping forum, and sometimes I really spend hours on it, but in the last few days not that much (probably less than 30 min a day). I already spent all my savings (600€) in vaping e-Liquids, that money were supposed to be spent on a trip abroad. To be honest, I realized that I’m not interested in traveling anymore. Last year I lived in Berlin for 5 months, next year I’m living in Paris, I really don’t feel like traveling anywhere. BUT I should have saved at least part of that money anyway. It’s the first time in my life I mindlessly spend tons of money. Never happened before. I’m a student, I have no income. Must be careful. Well I only have 50€ left and I better not waste them, I may need them sooner than I think. Hug you all

Very well done!!! A good start is the best way to do it!! Day 43 Went to the classes, I have skipped classes in the last week because I was studying for the speech & writing my article. It was good going back, although I don’t like the new class that just started. It’s about the italian poet Saba and early XX century italian poetry in general. The professor doesn’t read the poems before commenting them, so it looks like a total waste of time. If I read the poems myself before class it may become a good course. But I don’t have much time because my next presentation is sheduled in less than 2 weeks. I should start studying asap but I’d like to go home to my parents for a day this weekend. I hope I manage to do both things as once.

Day 42 I checked me and my friends’ LoL stats on op.gg It was just a minute on a gaming website, but it’d been months since last time I did it and I’m posting now just because I want to remind myself that I’ve been quit for a long long time and I’m not going back. Videogames are not good for me. I’ll reach 1 year videogame-free and live the best life I can live. I’m done being a weak addict.

Then you need to make up for it with a superb preparation. Study very hard, plan the speech, try it many times until you get it right. It’ll get easier and easier every time, my mum told me that yesterday

I’m obviously not the right person to answer this question, but this last experience taught me that it all comes down to two things: -preparation -confidence Preparation is about 1 studying, the effort you put into the project 2 rhetorics. as latin author Quintilianus explains, a good speech is made of inventio (good ideas), dispositio (organizing the different parts of the speech, knowing when to say that particular thing), actio (body gestures to support your points), elocutio (appropriate use of the language to convey ideas), memoria (remembering things). Confidence is about rejecting fear, being aware that no one is probably going to judge you if you make a little mistake, and believing in what you say. Hope this helps

Day 41 I DID IT. ALL THE HARD WORK PAID OFF, FINALLY! I made a very high level speech, probably the best of the class as of now, and also with some humour! I spoke in public and totally ACED it, I’m so happy @taichi Thanks for the tip but there’s no specific website I wish to block ;) Also, I only surf from mobile

Day 40 I studied so hard in the last few days. I made it 11 pages, tried the speech (finished reharsing right now) and spoke for 1 full hour without esitation, full confidence in what I have to say (except the beginning, need to repeat that part tomorrow morning before class). I’m 100% satistfied of the result, tomorrow is the big day and I will do my very very best to ace it just 6 hours of sleep may be a problem, but I won’t be discouraged I can’t remember the last time I went to bed this happy about myself

Studied 10 hours straight with a short 1 hour break for lunch, then cleaned the house and finally proceded to waste 3 hours watching memes on reddit (what the fuck, I hate memes, just watching them makes me depressed). Wrote 2 pages. It’s ok-ish. Tomorrow I will do better.

Day 36 Had a shitty day until dinner time. Woke up late. Tried to write all day but I just couldn’t get be in the flow. Everything I wrote looked wrong, I deleted every sentence and rewrote it 20 times. Stayed hours in front of the PC without accomplishing anything. But after dinner, also thanks to my gf supporting me, I tried to shrug off the anxiety and wrote a page in 2-3 hours. It’s a good result, it saved the day. I am at page 2 now, goal is other 2 or 3 pages tomorrow and 2 or 3 on sunday, and finish the job on monday. I wrote 90 quality pages as my graduation essay so I can definitely write 10. I’ll do it.

Day 35 Made a mistake. A lazy one. Spent the whole day sitting on the bed mindlessly browsing the net. Can’t remember the last time I had such a useless day. I think it was due to fear of failing my exam next week. Tomorrow I’ll do better. I won’t be scared. At some point during my detox I started this habit of saying out loud every morning “what a wonderful day!”. And it’s always been a wonderful day when I said so. Tomorrow when I wake up I want to be grateful for the beautiful day I’m going to have, and I’ll say it out loud. Good night.

Day 34 Social anxiety kicked in hard. I went to a conference and it wasn’t started yet. In front of the door of the conference room there were so many people that I know. Fellow students. I couldn’t wait there, next to them. I went hiding, currently sitting on the steps of a church. I’m waiting here some 20 minutes, then I’ll go back and take a seat. Can’t help but feel so fucked up right now

Thanks man :) Day 33 Day went fine until a guy that likes to talk a lot holded me hostage for two hours in a close-to-pointless conversation and prevented me from studying as much as I should have. Need to learn when to say no without being scared of hurting other people’s feelings.

Day 32 Productivity was on point. After dinner I even managed to write a page of notes for the project. Must start the actual writing yet. Tomorrow at 11 AM I’ll meet with the professor and I’m glad I’ll show up with some ideas. I hope he gives me the little input I need to get going. After studying tonight I decided to reward myself with a movie and so now it’s quite late, 2AM. Going to bed.

Day 31 Surfed the web definitely too much (vaping forum). Must be careful and take responsability for what I did. It’s not good for me to waste so much time (probably 4 hours today). I know it’s just a temporary interest, I’ll stop it eventually when I’ll be bored. But nonetheless. Writing is very difficult right now, I’m almost falling asleep while I type

Day 30 First time I log into this website without incognito mode. Little step to be less paranoid. Even bookmarked gq. Anyway. Good day, spent the morning with my gf and studied in the afternoon. Not all the time, but more than my usual saturday. It’s very late now. Going to bed.

I had the same experience. Keep journaling, it makes all the difference! And good luck :)

Day 29 Goal: write to the Uni shrink: accomplished Found out I have a little more time than expected for my project. I thought I had to complete it before the 9th, but it’s actually the 14th. Good stuff. I’m reading a long essay about russian judaism that will be useful for what I’m trying to write. I really need to take notes while reading though, because I get some ideas and I need not to forget them. Also need to start the actual writing asap. My bibliography is very small, the 2 mandatory books plus this other one I’m reading, and I’ll probably look for a couple short articles to add if I find anything useful. Today was a very productive day and I’m happy about this. I usually have trouble studying in the weekend but a voice in my head says this time I won’t have trouble.

Day 28 Woke up at 8 or 9, don’t remember. At 11 the pack I was waiting finally arrived. Did some mixing, 10 bottles x 10ml each and a couple bigger ones, 50ml. Then hopped on a train and went to uni city. Played tennis. Single game vs another guy, won 4-1 without trying too hard. Let’s go. My service has become BEAST and it’s good because it allows me to play more offensively and set the pace of the game, thus coping with my weak backhand. It’s definitely not my favourite style (I like Federer, not Nadal), but it’s working so I’ll keep playing like this until my backhand gets better. Tomorrow I’ll be back to the real world and try to prepare my project in the very little time I have left. Good scenario is I succeed, bad is I retire, worst is I try till the very end and make a fool of myself in front of 40 people. Will re-evaluate tomorrow night.

https://imgur.com/a/FiEf9wn Conceptual photography of 5PM, my favourite xD edit: also this one https://imgur.com/a/pTM3eqH iPhone panorama mode while train is running, like the effect, videogame-like. Going to uni city! I almost forgot my tennis lesson! @JustTom I’ll give the book a try, he’s got 5 minutes to convince me (and I can finally justify to myself having an account on MaM)

Glad to have you back, danny. No one is judging you, you’re among peers. We’re all addicts (past or present). I am ashamed too, sometimes, but in the end it’s very important to be honest when writing a journal if we want it to serve our purpose.

lol no worries I’m fine ;) I know what depression is, this thing I’m having now is nothing in comparison. I choosed that memory to remark that now I feel better. Also, I worked in mainstream press and don’t know how I managed to survive. Every time an article of mine was edited, semplified, brandized, mutilated, destroyed (often they inserted grammar errors as well!!!), I felt I would rather work in a factory. I know what you two mean when you say that I must think out of the box, and you’re probably right, but me and you out of that box see very different things. In my way of seeing it, writing has nothing to do with 1 advertising 2 career 3 art. It’s just narration, and a craft. It’s saying things. And it’s useless too. It’s ok. Now, I don’t know if I am going to write a good book or a bad one, but that is not related to my job. I don’t want it to be part of a job. I mean, yes I could work as a journalist or some other kind of demential job again, but that has nothing to do with writing and is not what I expect to be much fulfilling in my life. Disclaimer: I respect you and appreciate your help.

@Dannigan thanks as usual for the kind words, and yeah, I still have to learn that it’s better to take a day off and then work harder than not being 100% and trying every day without success. But actually I had plenty of vacation lately, I feel good in the moment but the next day I’m back to where I was. @JaniP I’m living that backwards. I made the fascinating choice. I graduated in humanities and now I am pursuing a master degree in modern literature. I used to be a brilliant student when I was younger, and I even managed to graduate with full honors in December without much effort overall, thanks to my very good background, even if I wasn’t studying anymore. But now I think I’m failing. I chosed this path because I loved reading books, watching movies, studying philosphy and theory of literature and so on. My dream was becoming a writer one day. I never accounted for the possibility of failing. Anyway, a couple years later I understood that writing (atleast the kind of writing I like) is not a job, it’s not something you can live with, and now the best next thing is working hard, getting a phd and work in university. Which is not something easy to achieve, the competition is overwhelming. There’s people out there that deserve it much more than me, that would be more happy to make it, that have no doubts and are giving their best to it. I’m happy for them and sincerely wish them to succeed because they are great people. And anyway, I realized that even if I were to succeed, I wouldn’t be fulfilled. There are days I think I should change my life, pursue another path... like becoming an engineer, a medic, or why not a cook or a peasant. My uncle graduated in Law and has been a simple warehouse manual worker all his life. There are days I feel I’d like to be like him. But there’s still this little hope inside of me that says I shouldn’t give up, that everything will be ok in the end, that this is just the price I have to pay. I don’t know, I can’t see the future... I don’t want to became a teacher in middle or high school, not because it’s a bad job (expecially in Finland, I hear!), but because that’s exactly what I didn’t want to become when I started, what I vowed I would not become. if I were to become like that I would feel a total loser, it would tear my hearth apart. I have been so privileged in my life that I can’t fail this hard. I just can’t. I suffered from gaming addiction, severe depression (three years ago), ocd (still do), been alone without friends or loved ones for the great majority of my life, being a top student and a thinker was the only thing that kept me going and now I see where I’m going and I don’t like it. I’m thinking about money too, I am used to an expensive lifestyle and I will have to adapt and renounce to many things like traveling and comfort and so on. I don’t blame others for this. I don’t blame the system (just a little). I blame myself, my ingenuity, my short sight. Wish you sincerely all the best for your med test, wish with all my hearth you can get a real job one day, a job that you like. Day 27 Binge watched Youtube in the morning. Yesterday morning did that too. Which is strange because I don’t like youtube videos and never watched them. Even the most interesting of the bunch are so inherently stupid and empty of any real thinking that I can’t help but feel disgusted. Studied in the afternoon. Never got dressed. I’m still to my parents, and if I were to be honest with myself I’d say I’m here because I’m waiting my new vaping gear I ordered online. Today for the first time in the last months I skipped my lessons, because I didn’t go back to uni city. Didn’t feel too bad for that. I don’t feel much at all lately. Studied in the afternoon. Memory: was it two years ago? I am to my grandparents and all the family is there, for lunch. Someone’s birthday, probably. I can’t endure all the happiness and joy, it’s hurting me. I am a shell of a person. I am depressed. I go out in the garden, sit down on a stone. in a corner I see a small pink chair, remember it was the seat of the swing that my granddad built for me when I was a little child. He used to push me on it while I sang the same song every day, a song about the comical captain of a little trading ship. Now the pink chair is a waste hidden by the growing grass, the chains are rusty. In the middle of the garden stands a cherry tree. I imagine myself hanging from the tallest branch, lifeless. My granny goes out in the garden and notices me, feels how distant I am. She says “what’s going on?”. Then I start crying over and over, I want to say something but my voice cracks. She hugs me and says she loves me and kisses my tears and I feel better. This is a very simple memory, one of the last of the time of my depression. I didn’t know it, but everything was going to get better in just a few more months. Have a nice day

Day 26 Woke up at 8, then went back to bed and didn’t wake up again until 11. I’m not used to it anymore and I felt sleepy the whole day. Went to my granny for lunch and decided to stay there for the whole afternoon. I studied a bit, read a hundred pages of a book. When I came back home I was very depressed. I don’t know if I’m just scared because I have this exam in a week and I barely started studying or it is something else. I feel apathic. There’s no brain fog, I’m not confused. It’s like I once again stared in the void, except I didn’t. I was doing everything right, but then this thing hit me out of the blue. I feel paralyzed. Feels like I’m losing all the progress I achieved with my detox. I just want to sit down somewhere and stay there and sleep the whole time. I want to go to the seaside and chill in the sun. I want to have a very basic job, work hard, stop this perpetual competition with my peers in university for a job I don’t even really want. It’s similar to the depression I had some years ago, but it’s also a different feeling. There’s no pain, no regret. I’d just like to spend all my time with my loved ones, do nothing, have no responsabilities, always being on holiday. And I’m probably making no sense. I didn’t miss this part of me.

From what I read, nicotine tolerance for the human body ranges from 0.5 to 1 mg/kg. This means that if your weight is 70kg, you need 35 to 70mg of nicotine to kill you, assuming you absorb all of it in a very short period of time. I don’t know the concentration of pure nicotine, but 100mg nicotine bases (the highest I found, and still nic is mixed with propylene glycol and vegetal glycerine) must be handled with protective gloves and near a window for fresh air (nic is volatile). Absorbing 0,5 ml of that base through skin contact is probably going to kill you or send you to the hospital at the very least. I was just joking about me dieing though, because I don’t use any liquids with more than 18mg/mg of nicotine and mainly use 9 or 4mgml (I used 90mg/ml twice, but in a safe way). It’s very very difficult to get intoxicated or dead with a 9mg liquid, you’d need to throw the whole 10ml bottle on your chest and stay immobile until you’ve absorbed all of it, and it’d take one or two hours. But I’m not a medic and my sources are not to be trusted too much, so take everything I said with a grain of salt :)

I don’t think “overthinking”, thinking too much, is a real thing. Getting obsessed, which is always thinking the same thing over and over without any progress, is undoubtedly real though, and that’s what people generally call overthinking. In this case, a dash of pragmatism helps indeed. Do, then think. If it works, it helps you think better as well. Just my opinion :)