[My Journal - SpiNips]

 

• Backrubs
• Funny commercials
• Snow on top of trees
• Walks

[Insert girlish squeals in pop music festival]

Good taste! 

[[NSFW] Marquess' journal (Cute emo girls inside!)]

Unending controversies full of hate with no practical purpose aside from victimism and claiming the moral high ground

Why do americans always make things go over the top? That fight to the death between spiteful female supremacists and not-so-closeted fascists, each one holding the rest of society as hostages. This is why we can't have nice things, people! 

At least here in glorious Spain know better: Bad guys won the war (better not talk about that...), government is evil, Spain can't into space, all those commies with dreadlocks are dread-ful (hah) and Everything is Germany's Fault. And no we're not giving back any gold. Ah, life is good in a third-rate country...!

Don't talk to people if you don't really feel like it, but don't give in to isolation either. Introversion in practice is simply a higher need of personal space, any other definition or implication was probably given by an extrovert. Middle grounds work usually fine. Except in medicine, bungee jumping or coitus.

Taking walks even if alone (or specially alone) work wonders for me, if I stay inside for too long my mood begins to drop exponentially. Maybe you should try it too?

[[NSFW] Marquess' journal (Cute emo girls inside!)]

You seem to be in a bit of a low time (awful English strikes again, sorry), there's been a few posts in a row in that mood. As an expert in the topic (heh) I can tell, it will get better. Then probably a bit worse again, but hey, that's how it goes. At least you're still on the road and that's what matters. 

Now you can hit me for being one of those normal extrovert normal people always feigning optimism normal normal. I'd do it in your place. Nah, I was serious about it, stay positive man.

Everyone was having a great time here with their problems and shit and then sexuality and intelligence theory showed up. Wait. What do you mean by...:

As a female

Noooooooo girls have the coootieees!

[Mario's Journal,]

It's great to take care of relationships but don't see it as a chore, don't chastise yourself too much about it, just try again and seek involvement of those you're trying to get along too!

Have a great afternoon! Keep it up!

[Captain Taru's Log: Out of the Fog]

"Officially" I'm at day 7, even if I haven't played at all since January 21. But the mindset is different, so yeah, day 7.

- Day 7:

Today I have planned to spend all the day with this developer friend of mine. I've been thinking about it and decided to try go to the bar and order a coffee. If I end relapsing it will be exclusively my fault, and caused by my explosive and self-destructive feelings, but not of the games for being there. 

I'll give you an example. When my uncle quit smoking there was a wedding the week after. In weddings it's traditional to smoke a cigar. Everyone asked him to make an exception but he rightfully refused. And so everyone else smoked and frowned upon him, and yet he kept his resolve. Would be the proper choice not assist to the dinner when he knew beforehand this would happen? In my case I'm taking a more active role, let's say I'm lighting everyone else's cigars, but I get the same amount of cravings when people talk about games or watch games in the news or in social media. And people talk about games a lot. Helping a dear friend and being productive overpowers everything else. And if I feel like wavering I can always write about it, seek refuge here and detach from that project. I'd take it as a personal defeat though. Even if you (@Marchosias) are (absolutely) right about the whole thing happening too early.

And I THANK YOU LOTS for, despite using the same metaphor, being able to argue your position in such a rational way I have not only listened and thought about it, but also acknowledge the truth of it. Unlike others who don't belong to any forum but manage to shitpost (I'm not looking at aaaanyone remotely close to my same DNA sequence...!)

- About my education (you can't even begin to imagine how foreign those words sound in my head):

I want to be in Theatre School, but being completely honest, what I miss is the experience, not the prospective job opportunities. I want to learn acting and I want to act, but I don't want to be a full-time actor. I knew that before enrolling the first time and my opinion hasn't changed since. So learning a trade would be my best shot right now. It doesn't look fancy in my CV like a degree, yet I can always fill my dramatic vocation with short courses. I don't like things that don't look fancy but... 

There aren't any other trades that interest me right now, even if there are some at which I could fare better by my natural abilities.

How do you feel about nursing?

"Absolutely disgusting".

No but seriously, I could be a good assistant, nurse or medic, even a surgeon, but I just don't like it. At all. It's not the guts, the gore, the instrumental or even the eerie hospital atmosphere (I love it, I remember how I would sneak in closed floors and dark corridors when I was a kid. Maybe I still do). I don't dislike that world, the same as I don't dislike... agricultural engineering, for instance. But it's not my path. Unless we're talking about helping in conflict zones. Otherwise nah. I want adventure. Maybe I'm young and idiot.

penises

We're so close it sometimes feels awkward. Like a mother and daughter from one of those american or german awful movies of sunday afternoon. Maybe there aren't such movies in your country. If that's the case I'm sincerely glad for you.

Now I'm feeling meeting my friend is a terrible idea. I'll talk to him about it, he'll surel proba maybe understand my fear of games is well-founded.

hitting the bottom

This would be actually good news; if I could recognize the point where I can't go lower, I could recognize the point where things could go only better. But things could always go worse. Until you set some kind of mental "red line" I guess.

[Captain Taru's Log: Out of the Fog]

goth parties

You mean such a thing actually exists? How I've been so blind all my life...!?

*drama*

- Saturday review:

SUCCESS! All objectives accomplished, Yes!! 

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I can't remember anything of sunday and monday. I didn't go out and drink so it's worrisome to have such amnesia. My friend is an aspiring game developer and asked me to be his (scriptwriter?). Despite motherly opinion of the idea being "as if an alcoholic started a bar" (I'm still indignant at her and I'll be for a long time), I think it can be fun. I'll be exposed to constant cravings and while they could overpower me avoiding games won't do me any good either. Games and technology are here to stay and I must accept that. I must accept it's me who voluntarily chooses not to play. Saying that felt strangely right.

Speaking of decisions, I have a serious conflict now. Normally I'd just think about it or write it, here or somewhere else and then wait for it to disappear, since most of my problems are temporary thoughts, but this problem here requires an action, carry out a decision and measure its consequences. Exactly the kind of thing I'm terrible at. 

Basically, it's February now (three months since first arrival here, oh my...). March is the month when you sign to things. Then you start them in September. Like almost everywhere else in the world I guess. Leaving aside the current education law and other socio-political foolishness, I'm left with two main options: 

1. I could try to enter again in a Dramatic Arts school, something I feel I'm completely not prepared to for a myriad of reasons, mental and physical. While it suits me and my general life path I'm not exactly motivated with the idea (if I was I'd totally go for it). Studying acting requires a full set of skills I'd love to master. My soul, my self-esteem and social skills would be thankful. But I would need start right NOW, and dedicate 24/7 to it. Completely not prepared. 

2. I could try some Job Training. I'm not sure of the correct translation, here goes by "Formación Profesional". Short studies (2 years) oriented to instruction in a specific occupation. It's socially poorly regarded ("Glorious spaniards no need stinking labor!") and I'd have to swallow a fair amount of pride, but I could have access to basic skills and job options beyond waiter so I won't starve to death no matter what happens in the future. I'm interested in "Operation, Control and Maintenance of Naval Machinery". Ship mechanic, yes. 

That's not all of it. Then I could, for instance, join the Navy as Sub-Officer, then study a career while enlisted when I turn 25. THEN I would be ready to do What I Really Want To Do With My Life: Travel and explore the world. And write about it and stuff.

Thousands of things could happen in-between but those are basically my main choices.

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SOUR RANT ABOUT PROS, CONS AND BULLSHIT

- I'm completely inept when it comes to manual work and technology, especially if involves maths, but I can't let that be a stigma for all my life, right? When you're bad at something, you'll probably learn more lessons about yourself with those than with things you have a talent for. That's why I keep trying stuff like dancing or partying, so Option 2 would be a fine idea...

- But what if I'm just making up a huge excuse to avoid theatre and facing my inner demons? What if I'm messing all up? WHAT IF I'M GOING TO COMPLETELY WASTE MY LIFE!?

- Mom suggests to go for theatre, or if I'm going for option 2, study nursing assistant for safer job opportunities. Experience indicates that proper course of action is almost always the opposite of whatever Mom says. Unless she's talking about "Things you shouldn't put inside your body" with the notable example of drugs and the (probably; still untested) notable exception of penis ("Stay with girls, old gays need diapers, eww!"). So that's one more point for Option 2.

- Experience indicates that the proper course of action is ALWAYS the first thing that comes to my mind, and I can't remember it! Now I don't know what I'm going to decide, but I'm sure it'll be the WRONG ONE! 

- What if by studying something manual I permanently sentence my life to an existence of redneck mediocrity!? God forbid! Excuse my bourgeois demeanour, it surely sounds stupid but it truly terrifies me. I've seen mediocrity up close and I don't want to be that. Poor people not in money, but also (and most importantly) in spirit. People without purpose. Despondent. Angry. Defeated. I'm intelligent and fairly cultured so I know I'll never fall low enough to become one of those... folks. I just need to avoid any kind of addiction. But I also know the mid-class version of it, in my closest family. That means I don't have some kind of family honor to uphold, or maybe I do? Anyway, even if success doesn't precisely run in my veins, abandoning myself to be yet another parasite (that would make three!) is just unacceptable. I (regretfully) don't believe there's a Heaven where Mom will be watching me when she dies, so my concept of honor and deserving belongs only to me. I deserve to be great! Or medium. At least. 

[Captain Taru's Log: Out of the Fog]

On 6/2/2016 at 7:47 PM, Marchosias said:

Girls are attracted to men that project the aura of confidence, which is associated with status, wealth, physical strength, etc. But you don't actually need to posses all these things to appear confident. That doesn't mean you have to actively deceive them, but let's just say an energetic loser with a plan is a lot more attractive that a wimpy beta rich guy.

Keep in mind that once you're set in the friendzone, it's difficult to get out. Some would say impossible. That can be fine if you enjoy being friends with girls -- I certainly do -- just be honest to yourself and understand that becoming her friend is the worst and hardest way to her bed.

(However, female friends can help you obtain an actual girlfriend. They generally love to play matchmaking games.)

Actually having all those things is harder and therefore more satisfying than simply displaying great cunning. Better to be rich AND cunning than just cunning. I know too many losers with a plan but no gf. I do my best to keep their spirits up while their plans slowly materialize into something. Semper fi. And I also enjoy being friends with girls, their point of view is totally worth the time. I assume you know about /r9k/ and similar decadent places. The vast majority of those guys have never bothered with listen to a girl for five minutes just for the sake of learning about them. EVEN if women are truly crazy; and they are. But a pleasant kind of crazy. Sometimes.

Friendzone is a social construct, they say. And I find myself quite adept to it. I don't like to flirt in the traditional sense, nor I have the skills or the natural aptitude, so I've assumed that if I ever have a girlfriend again she'll be someone as weird as me, so normal processes of attraction are nullified (actually happened a few times). And that's not a bad thing, I believe. I'll be a bit lonely, but there won't be boring girls!
Female friend playing matchmaking is almost as terrifying as male friend playing matchmaking, by a slim margin. If you want something done right best do it yourself...

[Captain Taru's Log: Out of the Fog]

- Tuesday review

1. Go to drawing classes. (MIGHTY SUCCESS, not only I went, but on time for the first or second time since I began)

2. Spend a bit of time outdoors and alone. (Technically I did, the time I spent between going to class and go back home, hah)

3. Not checking the phone during that time alone, or leaving it at home for a bit. (---)

4. Translate for 30 (thirty) minutes. (FAILED)

5. Check on the forum (I left some comments, checked on journals I like, tried to be a bit social, so counts as half success)

Disclaimer: It wasn't my intention to recruit some kind of personal army or something, @Marchosias, just asking for opinion/advice and such. 

- Wednesday review

1. Go to theatre rehearsal (SUCCESS, also on time woohoo!)

2. I planned to do it on tuesday, but finally I spent some time with myself. I had some nice insights, but they were mainly abstract, highly introspective in nature so I won't bore you with them. (SUCCESS)

After that I catched melancholy sickness and ended the day early, at 20.00. I got up today at 11.30. I spent the morning writhing in agony with a craving, and now it's time for some plans. I almost gave up, I thought I'd prefer to play a bit and then recover than spending hours focusing in not gaming and being unable to move or act, but I know it's a trap. It's gotten better now so PLAN TIEM!

- Thursday afternoon review:

1. Translate. Even if it's a single word, but do it, for god's sake. (FAILED!)

2. Check on seamanship classes! I heard about findacrew and I think it's an awesome idea! I live near one of the crossroads of the world, so with proper sailing credentials finding a captain won't be a problem. I'd love to give it a try this summer, for instance. Some kind of nautical hitchhiking! I'll also check on some self-defense classes. Someone who owns a boat and travels around the world can mean nothing but evil. (SUCCESS, I'll keep researching this matter, it seems there are some free courses, but probably far away)

3. Check on some dancing classes. I won't give up on my friend yet, but he teaches mainly cuban salsa and clearly it's not my style. (SUCCESS, I talked with my mother about it before going and she asked to check on her behalf, so I also made a good action)

90 days detox oficially starts today! Here are my objectives:

1. No "proper" games. I've got a nice streak already, keep it up and done. 

2. No flash games or cheap novels. I'll allow myself to read quality novels for the sake of plot research, limiting the time and only if all daily objectives are already met. I don't think I'll be able to lay my hands on any in three months...

3. No fap. I'll relapse a lot on this one unless I find another way to relieve anxiety. Some sport will suit fine.

Some special conditions must be met if I want not only stop gaming, but also improve my life. As I said before, if I just spend 90 days on the couch, that's basically cheating:

1. No couch. Hah! Now I've done it. It's gonna kill me.

2. No TV or fool around Youtube.

That's the minimum. I won't say what I'll do or won't do. Trying to avoid falling on those two will keep me busy one way or another, I hope. Come on man. Just 3 months. At least one. You can do it. Just 1 single month.

- Friday review:

1. Theatre rehearsal (SUCCESS) 

Tomorrow (today) is a great social party day here, Carnival. Lots of people, songs and booze. I don't have anyone to go with and no special reason to go. At first I planned to orbit around my theatre crush so I could make a fool of myself in front of her with my social awkwardness and therefore destroy all my chances and therefore stop feeling the chills when she touches me on stage and therefore improve the overall quality of the play (a much more noble and achievable ambition than getting laid, hah!). I was especially interested in attending the event when she assumed I don't like this kind of stuff just because my general appearance (Have I talked about my pride...?). Thankfully a friend I haven't seen in a while asked to meet so I won't have to resort to that. You might wonder why I'm so sure I'll make a fool of myself. It's a "staged event" in my life, almost identical ones have happened before and the result is always the same. It's simply a trap, now I know it and sometimes I even fancy to humor it for the laughs, but yesterday (and today) I wasn't in the mood. I also learned that she's dating someone already, so all that closeness with me is just friendly. Now I have plan for saturday and no reason to get nervous around her. Double success!

- But Jose, accepting your "friendzoneness", specially when you like the girl, is just lame. 

Ah, glad you asked, myself! You see, apart from my particular way of regarding relationships which I won't discuss here and now, I'm fully aware in my current state it would only lead to frustration and disappointment. Girls want to feel safe and currently I can't provide that. That's why talking about your own vulnerabilities with females is the easiest way to befriend them in almost every case. In modern society friendship is more valued than relationships, so they mostly consider a relationship with a former friend as "downgrading their status". And that's the reason behind the sentence "I don't want to ruin our friendship if it doesn't work". When they actually mean it, of course. 

Confidence in oneself leads to projects. Projects lead to work. Work leads to money. Confidence + Projects + Work + Money = Safety. Safety leads to girls. Girls lead to increased mental and emotional stability, they have that effect on us males. Safety + Girl + Stability = Family. Family is a cool thing. Easy. 

- So you're saying that female attention is just a logical conclusion of a series of factors and previous achievements? And that you can't treat girlfriends and wives in equal terms as, for instance, you'd do with your friends (regardless of gender) since you risk them leaving you when they realize you could experience times of weakness? Unless they're already tied to you in other ways, such as having kids? Isn't that, you know... wrong?

Well, good news is with a positive attitude it's possible to keep a girl by your side, even when going gets tough. And us guys have no problem at keeping a positive attitude, huh? 

So basically, care for oneself. Then when you have enough care, a surplus, care for others. Easy!

- So you're implying girls won't give a f*** about you unless you make the first step!? And provide them with enough emotional and economical stability beforehand!?

Erm. Next question.

- For today:

1. Eating well.

2. Translating (Help me based God).

3. Have a pleasant time with my friend.

4. Meditate until this foul stomach ache goes away. 

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- Gratitude journal:

1. Mist/fog. I ABSOLUTELY LOVE IT. I feel so related to it. Most people regard them in negative terms, and they can be troublesome, to transportation for instance. I don't and love them with all my heart. 

2. Robot Chicken. Their jokes are like sushi. When bad they can kill you, when good it tastes like Heaven. 

3. Being able to shower any time I want. I'd go craz(ier?) if I couldn't. Clean mind in clean body.

4. Being able to talk to girls without spaghetti. My 11 year old self feels so fucking proud for that. 

5. STILL WINTER YAY!

(Bonus) This friend I'm seeing today. I'm absolutely sure our conversation will be meaningful even before having it.

[My Journal - Travis]

Deserving is linked to the concept of ownership. In my opinion, you (us humans) don't deserve "anything", as you don't own anything given your temporal condition. Which is not the same as saying you deserve "nothing". You don't have to do anything in life if you so want. In the most extreme case you can even end it whenever you want. Society keeps telling us we have inherent responsibilities, and we commit to others  throughout our lives. 

You accept the first, you accept to comply to play by the rules. Which is not necesarily a bad thing, society has its cons but many pros too.

And you ultimately choose the second. Even if you thought it was a good idea and were pitifully wrong. Even if you were drunk.

So assuming everything has a value set of 0 (personal notion you can always disagree) you can arbitrarily set a value for your actions and ambitions. Which is absolutely great! It means wanting something is good reason enough for deserving it. Why would you give something you REALLY want any value less than infinite?
For some people it even means keep others from obtaining it or take it from their hands. I guess you won't be part of this group, but even then their actions would be logical (albeit ethically questionable). 

Stop feeling guilty, it's only your mind playing tricks. You deserve to want. If you want, you deserve.

Thanks for the "perfect day" exercise, I'll try it!

[Captain Taru's Log: Out of the Fog]

Well, yuppie or not, I think he's primarily a man who's trying to pay his bills. It's actually advised to take a break from what works and write what you want regularly -- it's either this or stop writing completely for a week. But that hurts even native writers, yet alone a slavshit like me. Be happy that your language is spoken by a relevant part of Europe, more than half of America, and probably a few other places. I plan to spend the rest of my life being pissed about how irrelevant mine is. A man is nothing without a mission.

Interesting ... my dreams often include school, too. It generally tends to be about deciding about whether to go or now; I almost always decide not to then wake up and realize I didn't have to go there for almost a decade. I also dropped out of various schools repeatedly 'till I just went to work. I don't regret it at all (that's one of the things I actually don't regret) since, uhm, I now know I can't learn anything while other people are around. Or if I'm not very interested in the topic. So that rules out finishing high school, ha.

You have a point, if I want to make a living from my writing I'll have to combine both commercial and "personal" content. The question now would be "Do I want to make a living from writing?" How far I want to take it? 

You're right about the language I guess. You can still be translated, like the Swedes, but it's true it'll be harder. Slavs (and not just russians) are cool imo, I don't understand such hate. Or hate in general. Multiculturalism and the sort is mighty fine by me, but I'm not one of those SJW out there. I'd just like everyone to chill the fuck out for five damn seconds.

I don't usually like cramped environments, or should I say noisy environments who were not intended to be such. Or should I say buildings full of teenagers. But I can't shake off my mind I missed some kind of young experience I won't be able to retrieve or emulate in the future. Or is it only anime bias? Damned high-school moe grills.

- Monday review:

1. Draw for 1 (one) hour. (FAILED)

2. Write for 1 (one) hour. (FAILED, but I wrote a little bit)

3. Translate for 30 (thirty) minutes, as Cam suggested. (FAILED)

4. Since my teacher delayed our drawing lesson until tomorrow, it's the perfect moment to start going to the driving school with my friend. (FAILED)

5. Go to bed early. (SUCCESS)

Thoughts: I guessed I wouldn't be able to do it and well, I was right. But I did something I had on my list since long: Watching a movie of Jodorowsky. I have the badgood luck of having some cultured friends thanks to my recent wanderings in young artistry, and his name was repeated several times. I couldn't allow myself to stay behind. I started by watching "The holy mountain" and now I can say the proper course of action is to change friends... 

Anyway, it was a success in the meaning I watched a film, and therefore made an attempt to recover one of my lost hobbies. I hope it'll serve as spearhead for future undertakings. But I have the feeling I'll need several attempts to get enough momentum until I welcome cinema and other arts (mostly literature) again in my life.

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VERY IMPORTANT:

I joined the 90 days detox! Or so I think. Knowing my computing skills probably I didn't. Asking Cam will solve the mystery. I get the impression my main struggle will not be related to avoid relapses, but get my life on track. 

What's the point in quit gaming if now I sleep or watch dumb TV all day? Better be gaming instead. So my objective is to get things on track. Not back on track. On track, for the first time. 

PERHAPS when I have some daily consistency the cravings will get intense. Perhaps I'll think "Well, now I got things somehow sorted out a bit of gaming won't hurt". Perhaps that'll be a terrible mistake. But that will be a future problem, more pressing matters await. 

I'm going to need some help with this stuff, but how? Where to start?

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- For today:

1. Go to drawing classes.

2. Spend a bit of time outdoors and alone.

3. Not checking the phone during that time alone, or leaving it at home for a bit.

4. Translate for 30 (thirty) minutes. It's going to be a daily objective from now on, until I complete all the work.

5. Check on the forum and such for advice and further discussion of the VERY IMPORTANT segment of this post. It's going to drastically influence future developments.

Bonus: Write or read for a bit.

[[NSFW] Marquess' journal (Cute emo girls inside!)]

How about Transexual Transylvania, hmm? Wohooo, songs, debauchery and BDSM lingerie! I think I once saw a documentary about russian neo-nazi trans gangs. I'm not sure if it was a joke, Internet these days... since always, actually.

90 days detox, yes! I'm also going for it, let's do this!

 

[Captain Taru's Log: Out of the Fog]

There actually is a very specific thing that work in "erotica" (written porn), and 50 shades hit the jackpot. Anything that doesn't cover a set of very specific kinks is not likely to sell, look: No pictures but kinda NSFW text. Don't show to grandma.

Care to give an example of your nightmares? I've had one myself recently, but it was rather dull (yet still effective).

"Good morning, I'm a guy writing porn for bored and sexually inhibited housewives and middle-aged men with mom or daughter issues. I make a shitload of money, and I haven't even started to talk about my millionaire friends. Exploit and marketize stereotypes. My life is fuckin awesome. Did I mention shitload of money?"

By all the Heavens, Marchosias, what did I do to you to deserve this? WHY? He is exactly everything I dislike, the XXI century yuppie! Even his looks are obnoxious!

Still, he has an interesting business model and knows his trade, I can learn a thing or two. Or three. Let's be open-minded before falling in prejudice. Even "nonconformists" need to eat.

My nightmares usually involve a school setting, old classmates, happy experiences that then shatter, cruel twists and psychological torture I store for future written fiction. Usually related to my feeling of failure and regret for dropping out school after school. Sometimes I die and/or get killed and it hurts as if real until I wake up, seconds later. There are others more "psychedelic" in nature but those are way harder to explain. If I remember to write one I'll share.

 

- Update: I went to bed the moment I sent the last reply. It's February 1st, 10am. With my sleep schedule again on track, and being Monday, it's time to make some plans.

For today I compromise myself to, AT LEAST:

1. Draw for 1 (one) hour.

2. Write for 1 (one) hour.

3. Translate for 30 (thirty) minutes, as Cam suggested.

4. Since my teacher delayed our drawing lesson until tomorrow, it's the perfect moment to start going to the driving school with my friend.

5. Go to bed early.

I want to add thousands of things but I know the catch. Instead of saying what I did, I'm going to say what I'm going to do, the barest minimum, then report then repeat. I'll trick my pride to feel compelled to do what I say I'll do to avoid writing how I failed to do it day after day. Maybe it's unwise, but if it works it'll be a huge step.

- Gratitude journal (it's been a while!):

1. This forum and its inhabitants. You make me feel part of something.
2. Winter. I hope it lasts.
3. The opportunity to watch a wonderful sunset by the sea everyday. I keep staying at home when I know I need some time alone with my thoughts and the scenery. 
4. My mother, for so many reasons I can't even begin to enumerate if I really want to get anything done today.
5. Friends and people I know who still care and approach me despite being so detached since Theatre fiasco.

[Captain Taru's Log: Out of the Fog]

- Things I want to say before I forget

1. This forum is so huge! There's so many interesting stories and many skills people have I don't have a single clue what they are about. I'd like to follow everyone's development, but it seems like an overwhelming task. Also, writing in another thread feels like I'm entering (or rather, trespassing) on someone else's home. I feel much safer here, in "my" bubble, answering people, but I'd also like to comment on their journals, encourage them, or just say hi. Strangely enough, I'm much less shy in real life. The whole thing makes me a bit sad.

2. I went to bed some nights ago thinking about a Theatre School classmate for whom I find myself annoyingly infatuated (is that even grammar my god). While wondering if I should call her despite the time passed I had a sudden craving for Civ IV. I said before that I'm not usually bothered by cravings, and should they happen the logical thing would be for my favoured games like EU IV. It's true that I sometimes have cravings for games I haven't played for some time, but it was also some time I haven't thought about this girl, so I found the coincidence amusing. One infrequent craving led to another. 

I think I also said before that masturbating lead me to gaming (but not the other way around, weird). I was thinking about her, not "thinking" about her. I find the idea unpleasant. Crushes are a very platonic thing for me, almost an artistic matter. I know, it's a typical psycho villain phrase. I'm talking about girl crushes, which are larger in quantity. Boys, however... 

Why do I keep spitting personal stuff? 

2.1. I saw the Accountability Partners thread. Cam said something about staying safe. I've thrown enough info about myself to be easily tracked down to practically my home. Am I unsafe then? I'm not worried about getting killed like John Lennon, that could happen anytime anywhere. And there are much more interesting people to kill. (But what if I end up being a prominent person?) Breaking into my house or abducting me for a ransom is also not recommended, you'd end highly disappointed. The most realistic threat would be tarnishing my reputation, and I have an absolute defense against that:

I don't have any secrets. Not a single one. And everyone knows it. Sometimes I feel I'd like to keep some things for myself, but I can´t help asking for advice, or an opinion, or turning the slightest thing into a debate and seeking answers and all posible viewpoints. Just the way I am, I guess. I'm not the naive type and I can keep my mouth shut, it just comes to things people don't usually say. My deadpanning was legendary back in the day. "Yes, I think it would be nice to go out with you, but I can just assume you find me unattractive, cry for a bit then carry on as normal; I give it two months of letdown". I'm not a weirdo. T-that kind of weirdo. Anymore. Most probably.

3. That same night I had a nightmare which later became a weird dream in which I successfully fought off a massive craving for Rome TW. (See, a logical craving, my childhood friend!). I'm currently remembering my dreams as if they were real happenings and I find the fact interesting albeit slightly worrisome. I've never had dreams which I didn't know they were dreams, but now not only is distressing during the dream itself but also the most plausible little details are starting to mix with actual memories. I don't really think it's dangerous, perhaps could end being a little embarrassing at worst. Maybe I should start a handwritten "dream diary" on my own. 

 

- Mood status

Neutral. Yesterday was terrible, probably one of the worst days I remember (I'm only talking in terms of mood), and Friday was also bad. These last few days I've been mostly lying in bed or the sofa, eating almost nothing, sleeping or being drowsy and dizzy all day long, having insane nightmares and completely unable to sleep at night. I even had to flee a supermarket leaving my mother behind moments before passing out. I must be sick with melancholy. Like Don Quixote. Is there a more spanish way to die, aside from in battle against protestants? (Or against muslims. Or against the French. Or against other spaniards...)

However, the average trend was very positive and the forecast is on the rise (See News), and my mood is improving while I write this. It usually works the opposite, I don't know what to expect.

- News

I finished my first text!!! The first... thing... I've ever finished! I've also published it on the internet. The reception was satisfactory. I can't wait to write more, but I got a bit obsessed lately and decided to take it easy. I don't think I'm ready for long novels yet, whatever their content, so I'm sort of practicing plot developments and descriptions with short to medium length erotica (and for my personal amusement). 

About writing erotica. "Erotica" in a literary sense is actually used as a sort of euphemism for short (e-)books that are more or less porn. Smut. Describe people, describe locations, create some bullshit conflict, resolve it by sex, the end. And it sells like hell ... to women, this is basically what porn videos represent to men, and they consume it in a similar degree. They just don't talk about it. (It's not like us men often discuss our porn habits either. It's simply assumed.)

Now, it's true that women also read erotic novels which include things like actual story and character development. Both are very popular. There is money to be made in both fields, so perhaps you can look into it a bit (novels ultimately earn more).

Yes and no. Times are changing, my good sir. I can sense it. Porn is now a consumer product, a complete joke. It's dull. Boring. Industrialized. Unsatisfactory. Sexuality will become a form of art, something that will be discussed and debated beyond therapies and groups of swingers and other debauchees! *cue evil laugh* And it will begin, as always, with literature. It's an unexplored realm, and, why not? it would be great to try to be some kind of weird avant-garde on that field instead of watching my brethren misled by bullshit like "50 Shades of Grey". I don't even have that interest in sex, it's more an odd intellectual challenge.

(Or we'll fall in another decade of obscurantism, my works and author becoming outcasts until some group of rebellious well-off students romanticize them many years later).

More things, I went to all my classes and rehearsals. Good. I'm steadily improving in my drawing. Better!

- Daily complaint

I still feel like I'm wasting my time. Empty. As if these things were nothing but petty hobbies, distracting me from the main objective. An unknown objective. Is there truth in it or just a guilt trip?

It's 3pm and sleepiness is killing me, I'll just send, then edit or post again another time.

[Captain Taru's Log: Out of the Fog]

Well first of all I would say your right about the selfish motivation. But if helping and beeing nice feels good this is awesome! You dont need to be a freakin selfless saint to do Stuff, wich your moral do label as good. It is more rewarding to be good then bad for me and it will make me more content with my life and happier( By happiness i just think about a level of satisfaction in my life, not about that imaginary endless state of feelinggood wich doesn't seem to be worthy of achieving).

If i ask myself why do i do this, it is because im not happy at the state i am right now. To change this, there is only one way(I dont count suizid because it is not a way, it is an symptom): to try to do something different. I just don't believe in religion even if it would be nice if i could ,and that's why i try to improve my life by making it worthwhile. Try not to beat yourself up if you aren't able to get some things done. Selftraining is hard, and takes time.

 

So you don't necessarily have to be a martyr to sell all the tickets to your funeral and be an overall nice human. I was suspicious already but, those pesky catholics fooled me again! It must be the robes man. Those shiny robes. About happiness and life, I share your viewpoint, but for what I know about myself I fear it will be harder to achieve a general level of satisfaction rather than limiting myself to just rush for some big scores now and then, then being at a downer until the next. And I can already say that tactic doesn't work, neither in marathons nor in life. So I guess the only way to do things is with an acceptable measure of chill, patience and persistence. 

I wonder, will I be able to accept things as they come and do stuff for myself? Right now the only thing I can recognize as a legit reason to act (or at least keep breathing) is to not being a burden for my family, and by family I mean mother. And even with that here I am yet. I'm being melodramatic now but if that's the case what will happen when she dies (and why does translator assume I'm female when I say "being melodramatic")? If things don't go as she also melodramatically believes (Like father...), I guess I'll have my own family by then, so there will be more people to care about and keep me going, life being a "jump" from one generation to another until my turn arrives. Oh, so that's why old folks keep talking about family, departed family and not being left alone! Sometimes I say sentences like the last one which sound like cynical jokes, but I used to be really ignorant of the ways of the world, they actually are interesting discoveries for me (most of the time, some are jokes). That's my current stance on the topic, it can always change. Being me, it could change before today ends. 

Selftraining is hard, but it's not like doing pushups where you can always do one more. How can you tell if you're doing your best, or slacking off? That self-doubt is the real killer, and it never fades.

 

Glad you hear you had the urge to cry even though you usually don't; when we hold a lot of emotional tension within us, we need to find ways to release it. When we cry, unless we are responding to a present situation, we are feeling a pain that was already there that we haven't been looking at it and releasing it so we are always the better off afterwards. We are socialized, especially as men, to avoid such a "show of weakness," but you are doing us all men a favor if you cry more often and stop holding on to that bullshit

I know how it goes with the anxiety and panic attacks, this is something I've been dealing with for the last year and it is really scary...fear of being about to die, fear of going crazy, etc. etc. and thoughts spiraling out of control when a panic attack seems to be coming in...learning about other people's experiences with this strikes me with how similar they are! I'm still learning as this is something somewhat new to me, but some of the advice I've found most helpful is from http://www.anxietycoach.com/anxietytrick.html. I could really relate to what he is talking about and it makes sense...basically we go out and start having a panic attack, what is happening is our body is getting tricked into mistaking discomfort (maybe social discomfort) for danger and wishing to run away. We flee home and hide in bed, eventually calm down and we  have now tricked ourselves and our body into thinking that "running" and going home and being in bed is what made us be safe, though we weren't in any actual danger to begin with! If instead we allow the panic to come and allow ourselves to feel it, we can train ourselves to realize we can deal with it, wherever it happens to arise, that we aren't in actual danger. Some breathing techniques he outlines on the website are great also. The hard part is breaking the cycle we have been reinforcing  Facing fear and then seeing yourself come out the other end is how we conquer it, and you CAN do it, even if it takes patience. I can only imagine how fearless Cam must have felt by the end of his Ted talk just plowing through those feelings of fear coming over him...even if that is a little different.

I am also really glad that cooking is on your list of what you intend to focus on! I wholeheartedly agree that it should be first on the list even if your list is in no particular order  . If you aren't getting the proper nutrition you need, it can throw things like your thyroid out of whack which could be causing your anxiety altogether...basically, our body is our foundation of what we are thinking...someone I greatly respect once told me that the key to happiness is "eating well, sleeping well, and moving your body as it needs." I've been pondering that over the years and I've found a lot of depth to that simple idea.

And don't be hard on yourself for how you have treated your body in the past...unfortunately it is oftentimes not even a small part of our education growing up...fortunately our bodies can take an unbelievable amount of punishment even if it REALLY DOESN"T FEEL GOOD!  But the sun will rise again tomorrow and every meal is an opportunity to be good to yourself and your body...PM if you would like any simple recipe ideas with what you like to eat and I will be glad to give you some advice, I think a lot about food, I love food  

- Damn right; I'll be a little bitch from now on, DOWN WITH FEMALE PRIVILEGE OF CRYING! (actually my case it's "only" a mixture between being 7 parts stoic and 3 socially awkward, but I'll also take that into account )

- I think you're talking about anxiety attacks, the technical term for freaking the f*** out (taking the example of social discomfort leading to "gottagodosomething"). These ones are more like a mental/emotional RKO coming the hell outta nowhere. You're just fine then suddenly "Bang!". But it seems you can counter both with some of those techniques, such as breathing. And perhaps it's not like you're fine, but instead barely hanging on and the first moment you relax it's when everything goes crazy. Like colics! I know those too well... When I said "I stopped playing and all the childhood existentialism returned" the first symptom was the childhood colics again. Maybe it's too much information but it's really distressful and an eventuality to think about, they do have the power to ruin crucial events in the last minute. Somehow it's been a while since the last, maybe a month, but it's also true that I've been dramatically reducing my food consumption. To dangerous levels.

- WHICH LEADS ME TO: Sure! Learning to cook has become more a necessity than a hobby or objective. Mom's always away, and Grandma's cooking is now... unreliable, so basically if I want to get a proper nourishment I'm going to have to do by myself. It had to happen someday, and part of me is glad that day arrived (other one is obviously annoyed, and one more is terrified). Both Grandma and I are terrible eaters, while her children are the opposite (that gene must work like diabetes). From almost birth we despise the act of eating (not flavors, that's about getting used, I mean the act of eating, it doesn't even have to do with cooking or chewing laziness), and we barely feel hunger (perhaps a sharp stomach pain but it's not accompanied by the instinct of eating or the longing for food). We enjoy cooking but ironically not eating. It's not a pleasure but an irritating chore. So I'd be VERY interested in "efficient" recipes. Like astronaut food. Eat and forget. I don't mind if it's dull, it'll be like taking medicine for me, which is actually a bad metaphor since I don't have any problem with any kind of medicine (you must be literally suffering with my words now...). In my defense I'll say I can enjoy a good restaurant and have some culinary taste, but I'm talking about everyday nutrition now.
Just a chore.

Progress update coming right away!

[Captain Taru's Log: Out of the Fog]

My tendency of not moving a single finger has paid its toll and I fell ill. You can actually fall ill from physical inactivity, which is kind of contradictory since you can only rest because of the illness but the same rest is hurting you in some way. One way or another, I got away from that circle and here I am again. I went to all my drawing lessons, resumed theatre rehearsals, wrote plenty, and mostly lost time on industrial proportions sorting out my inner crap, still my main hobby. But also I took the chance to follow Cam's advice and spent some quality family time and my relationship with my mother seems to have improved greatly.

Quote

N-not that I'm grateful for it. Or anything.

 

Spoiler

I delayed writing because I didn't write a single word of translation since I said I didn't write a single word of translation the last time, and was ashamed of myself. There's something worse than not doing a job, and it's leaving it half done, and I happen to be a master on the art. The file is just there, on my desktop, looking scornfully at me. It's not, right, it doesn't have feelings, but I do. I'm afraid Cam will ditch my volunteering; funny how I talk about having fears of a possible reaction by someone who can simply read this while I still haven't PMed him, I'll DO IT AND YOU'LL HAVE YOUR TRANSLATION, I SWEAR, it's somewhere at the back of my mind behind a whole mountain of garbage, I only have to make a bit of room to get it. I could really use some kind of mental shovel...

I still have trouble with daily schedules and sleep schedules. And schedules in general. It's the next thing I'll be needing to work on. I have improved very slightly on eating (now I do it at least once a day). Better results are being observed at keeping a proper hygiene and my room tidy, and actually go to the places I said beforehand I'd go. Next things on the list are:

- Helping at home and cooking for myself

- Go out with multiple friends on a regular basis

- Start attending social gatherings again, especially those aimed at young adults which typically involve alcohol and more or less hilarious attempts of getting laid.

- Devoting a fixed minimum daily or weekly time to all the activities I started instead (or at least before) recklessly starting new ones.

- Thinking about how and when to start doing some exercise.

- And actually do it.

- (Bonus) Learn the proper use of words such as 'in', 'at', 'on'... and verbs.

They're not in order, I'll check on Respawn to see if there's some advice about it (AND, EH, TRANSLATING IT BY THE WAY!)

[Captain Taru's Log: Out of the Fog]

Hey, welcome back! 

(I'd find flattering if anyone of you read any of my stuff by the way, but language differences may make it difficult)

I'd love to give it a try. Did you publish anything already?

Almost, ALMOST THERE. I've been working lately with a dedication I've never put on anything else in my life. My efficiency is laughable, but I shall press forward. I do have a text published in my former high-school website (the year I was actually attending), a contest I won the second prize (my first remunerated work! :D) and has a funny story behind it, it was never intended to be taken seriously, just a bunch of grand words put together. I guess the prize was a praise to my unusual knowledge of outdated vocabulary? Why not, I'll leave it below, but I already warn you, it doesn't make too much sense, or at least the sense it seems. Here goes.

(It's in Spanish, obviously)

- Boceto casual de una reflexión desesperada

Háyome en una disyuntiva.
Contrariado por los agravios del destino, demasiado tiempo me he complacido en reprimir mis emociones. He traicionado a mi naturaleza, atentado contra mi alma, ultrajado a mi dios. Largo tiempo hace que renuncié al instinto animal, engatusado por dulces promesas de descanso y perdón para mi mente atormentada.
¡Infamias! Sucias maquinaciones del corazón impío. Pero no hay motivos para alterarse. Realmente fue un buen discípulo.
Casi olvido las formalidades. Bienvenido a esta grotesca recepción.
Mis invitados le esperan. La malicia, la falsedad, la locura...
¿Le agradaría indagar con nosotros en el armónico desasosiego de mi existencia? Cordialmente le invito. He aquí mi historia sacrílega.

Amables recuerdos de juventud que avanzan tambaleantes sobre suspiros ahogados. Visiones burlescas de momentos mejores. ¡Ah, la pureza del infante! Al final resultó ser una ingeniosa invención. A la hora de la verdad callaron los juguetes y llovió tinta sobre los lirios. No sientan lástima literaria, me ofendería si lo hicieran.

Prosigamos con la elegía. A mi inocencia.

Y con todo, aún queda lugar e intención en el aquelarre de mi espíritu devastado que ceder a las gratas fantasías de mi especie, tales como el amor y la esperanza.
Por lo visto, grande es el espacio reservado a las mentiras. Sin embargo eso no impide la contradicción.

Ingenuo lector, ¿es que acaso no es consciente de la virulencia que llegan a tener los trastornos del corazón? He aquí mi intriga y la razón de tan indigno escrito.
Pásmese pues ante mi secreta humanidad; el que otrora se jactara de la quietud de su carácter yace ahora abatido ante las pérfidas saetas disparadas descuidadamente por una ambición oculta. Sinceras heridas que sangran con vehemencia a cada paso que me aleja a la par de mi condena y mi salvación. Así lo dicta mi razón, que no conoce de amores ni de ficción; pero, mis disculpas, me estoy repitiendo. Dulce tortura a la que he decidido someterme; sé que el silencio me castigará duramente, pero no soy quién para romper la magia de una mirada cargada de conmovedora amabilidad, por una palabra maldita e incluso homicida que tanto y tan mal se ha empleado, y que no refleja más que el ansia egoísta de apaciguar la abrumadora soledad del cobarde o el desesperado. No me sorprendería hallarme culpable de ser ambos.

Nada obtengo de hablar de ella, ay la causa de mis penalidades, pues solo en la lírica comercial hallan refugio elogios baldíos a la belleza. Mis ebrios pensamientos únicamente coinciden en el tajante corolario de no permitir que la audacia de la estupidez arruine mi frágil momento de tregua, aun si ello supone el inevitable exilio de mis sentimientos con demasiada certeza no correspondidos. La angustia y el desánimo cunden en mi voluntad subyugada. Mas si solo es por casual fortuna, un fugaz instante de cordura de este truhán de letras añejas y expresión grave; estas pocas palabras desdichadas, a ella, siempre, se las dedico.

Just the first word is so ancient and out of place it's obvious its original purpose was a joke. But I kept going and hey, it wasn't so bad at the end. I was just discovering Rimbaud and he was some sort of teenage hero for me, yeah, laugh. And so the text is kind of (purposely) rimbaud-ish. Some inner jokes to my childhood, a hidden message to my crush at that moment and there you go, literature! Words are fascinating. 

At least that's what I'd want to say. Reading it again I can relate, many years later. I see hidden meanings. Maybe I wasn't talking about a girl, but a hidden ambition. Maybe it was a subtle cry to take notice of something now I'm more able to see. I'm falling in my own trap, maybe that was the real joke set by the past me. Who needs weed when you have my mind, egad...!

[Captain Taru's Log: Out of the Fog]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PlGL0RsQvaw

 

helped me with death. enjoy, worth the time

 

Fantastic talk. I used to know the latter Alan Watts: eccentric, stereotypical sage image, but this earlier exposition is very well done. I'd like to ask Mr. Watts something, if I may (it's going to be complicated given his personal circumstances):

In my case, I find time works as the circle he described. The first stage, the time of growth. The second stage, the time of settling down. The third stage, the autumn, the time of reflection. The fourth, the time of shriveling up until we depart and fade. See that this applies to the average first-world life; the stages of life. Thinking about it, it doesn't really matter how you live and die, the proportion of the stages would keep the same, with the first the longest and going down until the fourth, the shortest, just varying in the actual time that would pass. I didn't know that concept, and I think it's going to stay within me, I liked it.

Given this, my current attitude would be foolish, worrying about the fourth stage and beyond when I find myself in the first. But also, and perhaps being around a nurse has helped, I see that time only goes to worse, at least in terms of physical decay and the issues that come with it: isolation, illness, passing away of loved ones, financial problems, dependence, etc. Therefore I have nothing to expect from the future besides idealized succeses, achievements, wealth, relationships... In this sense, isn't planning, hoping and looking forward a good thing? It's true that there is a tendency of looking at the future and the past. Romanticizing, regretting it, fearing it, we spend most of our actual time away from the only real, tangible one: now. But is also true that past, present, and imagined or expected future share one characteristic, which is also the only one they could ever agree on. In all of them, we exist; in death, we don't. That's the only difference. 

Buddhists would say that I'm suffering (the concept of dukkha in his various degrees) because I have the "Illusion of self" too ingrained within myself. Besides of education, western influence and personal views, it could even be a genetic circumstance, inherited from my parents. Whatever the cause (though it could be really interesting and educational to find out) the answer would be something in the lines of working towards getting rid of that illusion. Seems clever, to be honest.

Here's the con:

For what I know of myself, the only form of energy I know is completely self-related. I mean I can't or don't know how to motivate myself to work towards something besides myself. Even selfless acts of charity and cooperation leave a remnant of endorphins; even helping and being nice feels "selfishly" good at the end of the day, so there's nothing in this world that can be done for reasons completely beyond myself, even if I can't control the reward system behind it. I'd say it works the same for everyone else, think about it.

Why do I say this? Because if I'm part of the endless stream of the Universe and not an astoundingly improbable singularity, why do anything? Why quit gaming? I could just lay back and enjoy myself until the end, couldn't I? Why bothering?

>muh reincarnations

Ah, the good ol' religious viewpoint again! Sorry friend, got nothing against you, but that ain't gonna work.

There's the opposite option also:

If I happen to be so self-centered, introspective and even arrogant and megalomaniac, why not just exploiting it? Humor the role I got by chance. That sounds dangerous, I'd be acting being completely aware that I got nothing to lose. And humans who got nothing to lose become monsters. It just works that way. I realised this long time ago, and I may or may not have decided at that time that I would avoid myself and others trouble by not following that path. Now it knocks on my door again, proclaiming itself to be the only way out. Well, worst case escenario, there was a Hitler already, and I give originality its proper credit. Did you know I share three letters in order and in a row in my surname with this guy? And man, that's a bit difficult, taking into account my own surname only has four. I also share names with at least two dictators and my teachers have been suggesting my future is in politics since I was 5. But I'll always insist, despite how much I'd enjoy to host ridiculously gaudy and over-budgeted military parades and appear in children books, exerting violence it's plainly clichéd. And, uhm, wrong. Could there be a peaceful way to opposition to just give up and step aside...? I have a winning personality after all.

Summarizing, since I've been always scared and passive, I personally think the proper way would be to feed my ego with achievements like a fish, ballooning it until it blows up or deflates when I realise the old scheme of achieving mundane goals has stopped working, its natural lifespan finished. Then, rechanneling that energy into making my existence flow like water. The thing is to carefully manage it to avoid trapping myself in a downward spiral of narcissism, closed-mindedness and assholeness.

At least I'm not defusing bombs. Fair enough.

Thoughts? I'd truly appreciate them!

[Captain Taru's Log: Out of the Fog]

So these days I've been struggling with my detoxes and starting my new activities, with different results. I've lost count on how many days without playing any of my Steam games (Yes!) but I've been playing the geopolitical simulator every now and then (until today, even without being stolen is buggy as hell so screw it, I have better things to do). About nofap... well. I'm doing just fine with the noporn, so at least I'm putting my imagination to work. Which led me to a way of channeling my wicked lust (personal judgment) I've being delaying to try out since puberty:

Writing erotica!

Not porn. Porn is coarse, vulgar. Also not GoT (TV series) or the new Spartacus. I want to do Plot with sex; not Sex with plot. 

It may be shocking. But works. Everything begun when I found an old text I left half done. It was a bet with some female friends while talking about yaoi (gay romance, japanese term), years ago. I saw it had potential and I jumped head first into it. I've spent these days writing this one and some more stuff (worksafe material too) and I'm unspeakably excited about it (NO PUN!). Even better, the more time I spend with my hands away from myself, the more I'm able to write, both in quantity and quality. So when I fail and have a relapse it also delays my work, and I'm starting to see that I hate having my work delayed. The goal is publishing and maybe even make some name and money on the way. I have a business plan already, I'm sorry I can share it yet. If it works, you will know!  

(I'd find flattering if anyone of you read any of my stuff by the way, but language differences may make it difficult)

 

- But not everything was going to be good news:

Today, I must confess that I cried. I never cry. 

I've been feeling really down these days, overwhelmed. As both Cam and Marchosias stated, too much to not do but too little to do. The fun thing is, the more I try to do things, no matter how scarce, the more anxiety keeps knocking on my door. "It's pointless" "Pointless" "POINTLESS" SHUT UP! 

So I lost track of my sleep schedule once again. Played a bit of that simulator I mentioned. Monday tomorrTODAY, it's 5am, have drawing classes at 4pm, gotta catch a bus, haven't slept, haven't practiced. Probably going to bail out. If I say I can't go today, I'll probably won't go next week, then goodbye. Then down again the roller-coaster goes. 

So here I was todaynight, on the mud, about to masturbate, then spend all night awake with some YT shit. But first, some background:

I wrote Cam some days ago and offered myself as spanish translator. I thought he would be skeptical since my time here was short, but he seemed really enthusiastic with the idea. I've been translating but I haven't send him anything yet, and I was feeling guilty because, even without a deadline, I was here lying in the sofa unable to make myself just survive through another day and there was (and is) WORK to do. And adding my own worries also, my head's been a mess.

So, some hours ago I was watching some videos, you know this Facebook emotional-motivational spam. I try to avoid them all I can, but I must have some kind of emotional flu today, who knows. There's the background, now goes the trigger. I don't know if it was divine inspiration, but I mindlessly decide to browse this forum after many days. I enter and see a message. It's Cam. I haven't tell him anything but if I may, I want to share it:

Hey Hitaru!

I haven't seen an update from you in your journal for a few days so I wanted to just check-in and see how you're doing.

Did you know you inspired me to have other languages translated as well? We currently have Polish, Mandarin and Russian being done! Really amazing.

Hope you're doing well.

- Cam

Whoa, what's this thing going down my cheek. I laugh. Then another. I should write him back. But wait, I have to stop this ridiculous sobbing first, which I can obviously stop anytime. Ok, seems that it's not so easy. I'm such an attention seeker, I just want to stop crying to write about me crying, but let's cry a little bit more first, it's healthy.

Leaving aside the obnoxious fact that I just fucking can't feel as real anything that I feel, 

...how could I inspire anyone? It was an obvious idea, it's not such big deal, sure someone else have told him that before. Inspired. Like, I did something which bring about consequences. Inconceivable. 

People read this stuff. And they care. Whoa. Hopes I'm doing well. No one in my everyday life ever say that to me, some because they take my existence as a given, others... well. I say it sometimes to buy a bit of time from the people I want to see soon but I can't muster the courage yet. So what does he mean?

I just... don't know what to feel. I... sorry, anything I say feels forced. I was sure about what I had to say just 30 seconds ago. This swing makes me feel deppressed and scared. And furious of not being able to express it. Anyway, fuck it, fuck the swings, the autism, fuck it.

Thank you. 

That will be a good start.

But I do remember something. Maybe I'm not good with this kind of words, but there's something else I can do. 

As Denzel Washington would say in Flight, No more lies. Classes tomorrow? Tough it out. I'm fucking going to fucking do my fucking shit. Panic? Tough it out. Death? Tough it out. What else could I do? My samurai metaphor doesn't fall too far away. It's being a flight forward, a desperate charge against an overpowering foe. How could they handle it?

Maybe because for them, it was not about mastering life, but the art of dying instead.

What are they if not the same thing? I know, you're sick and tired of reading the same shit over and over again. Me too. If I can't convince myself that life deserves to be lived laid back and harmoniously, or as we say "without rush but without pause" then I should live it furiously, burning, in a bang. Set a goal, then do it just because, crushing all opposition. 

Why do I keep failing then!? Fuck! Why having my head overheated doesn't make me hot-headed?

Wait! Maybe that about too many changes. You're right, but understand my position, I'm so spineless I didn't even tried to risk in my way of dressing to avoid conflict. I haven't done a single noteworthy thing in 21 years. Currently I'm somewhat understanding I don't need a college degree right now for cash and bitches to magically start rolling in, and I'm not completely over it. I'm still reeling from what I feel like it's been the wasted chance of my whole life, so it's being hard. It's hard to not feel frustrated. It's hard not to rush. It's hard to not kick that door and just run, run somewhere, do something, now!

It's so hard I barely have energy left for anything else. Or maybe I'm just lying to myself, but anyway, I'm exhausted.

In fact I said when I first came here I'd tell that story, the one about my greatest mistake. I think now would be the perfect time. But that needs yet another post, so I'm going to wait a bit at least. I'll experience several mood swings meanwhile, so a shower and perhaps a nap would be appropriate. I'll be back soon.

[Captain Taru's Log: Out of the Fog]

 

Spoiler

 

On 8/1/2016 at 10:10 AM, Marchosias said:

Oh, which VN were you reading? I'd like to suggest a great visual novel for anyone facing a difficult time in life (especially if dealing with social issues): Everlasting Summer. It really is the ultimate NEET visual novel -- and not in a way that would glorify that miserable state. Mind, you absolutely need to play through all the routes to somewhat understand it, for it looks like a generic VN after first playthrough.

I've been reading it bit by bit this 2015. I still have to go through fox-girl (or was it a cat-girl, it's been a while) and harem endings. If you ask me, it doesn't deserve the title of "Russian Katawa Shoujo", they are nothing alike, and ES is on the losing end. Maybe it's because I fell on Lena's bad ending first and I found the others plainly boring. Miku's route was something new, I gotta admit, her on-route personality was both very realistic and pleasant to witness. Still, the overall novel, bland (those endings, bleh!) and at some points predictable. Not bad music though, (I really liked Slavia's theme!). And I'd like love to learn Russian, so I'm gonna keep it for future practice and most probably some good russian puns. 

DID SOMEBODY SAY KS~?

Inb4 Rin best grill 

but Lilly best waifu

and we should have some Emi and Shizune around here in the forums to boost the troops' morale!

Quote

I think we can all agree that they are also a major cause as to why you lack the skills necessary to attract women

- And answering your question, if I recall correctly I was reading not exactly a VN, but some game still in development with comically high levels of lewdness (and also a very high amount of a certain fetish which personally I don't find alluring, but the authors really do). About space. And sexy slash gross slash weird slash humorous slash disgusting (varies dramatically) stuff. And space. Believe it or not, I'm in for the plot and the surprisingly well-written descriptions. It helps my writing. (I'll explain right away)

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

As you say, who says what is normal? If I went to parties and study/work my mother and therefore most society* would never suspect something's wrong with me. Hell, I've read this several times here:

Quote

My wife/family/friends weren't aware of the extent of my addiction, they would've never guessed (or something along those lines)

You could be dying inside, but if you mostly do what you're supposed to do on a daily basis, even people closest to you wouldn't have a clue. There are some really good reflections on this in a strip you probably know but I still recommend: depressioncomix (the suicidal guy mostly)

("My mother = most society" disclaimer: My mother is the perfect example of the average spanish middle class citizen, the mirror of the entire sector of society in which I was born, raised, and expected to dwell: In every event she'll hold (and if not actively seek) the majority opinion/attitude. I've tested it plenty and I know better to know I have to think by myself, so in this regard she's just a sociological fact, does not interfere in my thinking processes and therefore this statement is the absolute truth)

In other words, as I said before, I'm so abnormal I'm normal in my own sense. I harm nobody (besides myself) so stop. Scaring. Mom. Assholes. It's just temporary, yeah, totally not my fault, I can be a productive part of Humankind too, just wait. Perhaps. Middle-aged men have their lot too, it has nothing to do with gender in my opinion., 

Quote

Now if there were any justice in schools, bullies would be dragged out into the street, beaten with a garden hose, and the government would send their parents a bill to clean the blood off the pavement.

Something about the world and blindness. But maybe framing them as "conflictive" and special reeducation and anger management programs. Third-party controlled of course, by the State or some specialized institution, it's completely their parents fault after all. Blood relation equalling love and responsibility by spontaneous generation is a medieval and obviously abrahamic conception (no pun). We should be beyond that already. I'm probably being too harsh but I just can't stand half-words in this matter. It has to stop. 

I think I'm gonna need another post to say what I originally wanted to say, sorry about that! 

 

 

[Captain Taru's Log: Out of the Fog]

On 20/12/2015 at 7:01 PM, Cam Adair said:

As someone who has experienced many panic attacks throughout my life (including recently), I definitely relate to your feelings of lack of control with them. I think the only thing that helps me remain sane in those moments is remembering, this too, shall pass.

If you haven't read A Man's Search For Meaning by Viktor Frankl, that could be a good book for you right now if you're interested in "finding your purpose."

Another one to the list, thanks again!

Man, you've had the full pack! Anxiety, self-esteem issues, panic attacks and other things I can't remember now but I also relate with them. 

I'm not completely sure if you support people in auto-pilot mode or if you really had all those problems in my same or higher degree (online paranoia probably related to my own poor self-esteem, nothing to worry about here citizen). If the first, you've got some dedication to keep up with everybody and that's honestly impressive from my life perspective. If the second, then I'm jealous of your success in something I should really be able to overcome (wait, should I?). Or at least I'm going to be if I give it a second deeper thought, but it's not a negative jealousy whatsoever so it's just uselessly floating over there in my mind. I guess? Anyway your attitude is admirable.

W-wait, you said recently? So they don't go away!?

Day 15 - Tuesday 

Day completely wasted laying in bed all day. After the success of being able to go to the first drawing class, I guess it was some kind of... that thing that happens when something happens in the exact opposing measure to balance the cosmic energies... or something. Another yay for my English, people!

(Oh, I left this here for later and it was waiting for me, sweet!)

Day... 20?

I had a breakdown these days. I've been almost literally using the bed to hide from the world, unmoving, from Wednesday to Saturday dawn. On Tuesday at least I got up to eat, but not these days. Not even to drink water, but at least went to the toilet. Probably. Had some cool hallucinations and dreams. Nasty and worrisome pains. Then I indulged and binged on a geo-political simulator of very dubious quality. And now I'm somehow here! Gladly, absolutely thankfully.

UNRELATED:

Spoiler

 

Just told Mom who woke up right now that I'm worried about me and my health. Said something about that being anxiety and dismissed all rebuttals in a dispassionate, "health professional" way, then refused to engage in informal conversation. To her, anything and everything about me is just anxiety; probably a gunshot wound too. The woman who blindly believes anything half-assedly said about me, if it comes from someone wearing a white robe. Or everyone else except me, actually. Or maybe from no one at all, but creates her own version of the story all the time. That sounds awfully inconvenient for any attempt on free thinking and improvement of any sort. Quite the opposite for be herded and live a happy life if she actually tried. Perhaps she's trying to flee from the fact her son is a failure (I'm not -yet-, but to her I'm growing old stuck in here and that's it). Partiality, cowardice, sheepishness and some other character traits I most despise, all gathered together in the person I'm supposed to treasure the most. What an awful bad luck! (I'm not even joking)

I don't know why, but the greater the success and happiness I imagine, the farther away I picture her in my great scheme of things. Maybe it's because those traits? People used to say I'd come to miss her when I leave home. But I did, when I was studying, and the only thing I discovered was how hard is for her to do normal, "motherly" things. And for me to keep the pace with lovey-dovey son things. It just helped me be aware of how emotionally detached I am of her on a daily, practical basis.

Maybe I see her as a nuisance? Maybe she's a symbol of the old scheme: past, worse times, and my current situation? Maybe I blame her or I blame myself? Blame blame blame all the time. Honestly, for once, I only want her to perform her supposed duties: to be emotionally supportive (or at least coherent), that's the only thing I really wish she could do. And the only one she won't just because the way she is. Isn't that what a mother does? I'm not talking about gender, that's bullshit. Well, maybe a tiny bit, but that's society's fault for teaching us that men are less emotionally supportive because they're too busy being all rough and tough. So, if she can't do what she's supposed to do, and I could provide for myself, why would I want her around? Thankfulness? Again, being who I am I can't take things for granted, so "blood deference" isn't my thing. And again, that's not necessarily a good thing. All things considered, she's a fine lass overall. Even if I consider her more of a flatmate/landlord than authority (and authoritative) figure. Still totally not a positive thing. In any case she's always busy now and also starting to forget things, I guess I'll just have to play along the role of son. It causes me no small amount of pain, again because of assumptions and emotional neglect. I'm not that harsh with my father, perhaps because he's closer to me intellectually, perhaps because I see him as a lost cause and I played son for too long, perhaps both. He's a total stranger to me, or more like a bothersome box on a...

- How do you say "mudanza"? When you move your things to the house you're currently living to the house you're going to live next. There's always a box full of stuff you don't really remember and you don't know what to do with it, and you know it's going to end in a dark corner hidden away, but in that moment is in front of you and you can't just ignore it or throw it away because it's yours after all. That exact feeling. - That's probably a worse fate.

So that's likely the end of the issue. I do worry, though, because... you know. My mother. Gotta love her. I don't want to be a psycho and stuff. Why is so hard being a normal human.

Jokes on her, last mental stormtrooper said I'd never be a normal human, hah! 
- Defining human as: "average married, average paid, average car, average 1.46 kids, average two weeks holiday average salaryman" (by spanish current cultural and economic standards)

So, suffocated with my own tongue in a back alley or fucking awesome, YouTube footage-tier life, nothing in between. Oh boy, isn't being me challenging...!

I'd like to hear some opinions of non-spaniards about "family management" with your own cultural and personal point of view, but it's not a priority.

 

BACK ON TOPIC - START READING HERE

So I've decided, and I can feel some real determination inside me, that I can't just wait in my bedroom to a premature death. Actually I could, but I won't. No sir, I won't. Just for the laugh of it, I'm going to do some stuff. I can already feel my determination fading but I won't allow it. I think I reached the point of no return in existential desperation. It was a very slow development, the average person suffers temporal, short crisis that helps them steer their lives anew. Or they never recover. Not my case it seems. My life's been a crisis from the start so it can't qualify as crisis, but a state of things. BUT NOW I'VE BEEN GRANTED POWER, *Cue evil laugh*, THE POWER OF THE... How could you call it? "Pointlessness", "Uselessness"...? I've been waiting for that moment all my life, when everything would seem so pointless I just stop caring. And then I could do everything I ever wanted because why not.

And that would be the beginning of a fulfilling life. Or a busy one at least. In fact I've been at that point before, to a lesser degree, and the results were excellent, so I'm really looking forward to it.

So, detailed plan, that is:

1. Detox, hard mode: No games, no YT bullshit, no fooling around on the internet, no porn, no fap. 90 days. I'll do a nice calendar and start marking some crosses on it.

2. 8 hours of sleep, no more, no less, no matter how boring or unbearable it becomes.

3. 4 meals a day, 1 shower a day. Self explanatory.

4. No more running away: A man -women too- gotta do what he says he's gonna do. 

5. 1 hour outside everyday, to avoid the void of the sofa/bed

These are the bare minimum, the most urgent things to take care of. I accept suggestions of course. Still, I think sticking to these for 90 days will provide me a good basis, it's nothing less than a radical change to my current lifestyle, and still level 1. 

[Captain Taru's Log: Out of the Fog]

HERE GOES THE RANT, YOU CAN IGNORE IT (you should)

I've reencountered a childhood friend, one I've been neglecting of my attention for far too long. Ignored, avoided, yet you won't find the slightest bitterness, only a fierce, unattended desire of traveling alongside me. Such kindness! And I'm their host.

"They" can be referred to in singular and plural, for they are many in number yet One in nature. No, they are not a deity. No, they're not product of my imagination, but like the two previous things they may exist within me. Ladies (but mostly gentlemen!), I'm most honored to introduce...

 

"Panic Attacks"!

 

Have you ever needed a reminder of why you started playing videogames in the first place? Well; nothing like a good shake 'n twist 'n scream now and then for spicing life up a little. Boring showers, dinners, naps, social calls...? No more!

My last panic attack was only minutes ago (increasing exponentially thanks to my snail writing, now hours). They just keep happening, currently twice a day. Suddenly smashing you, like a tidal wave teleported right in front of your face. Now you’re fine, thinking about your stuff, or not thinking at all, then brain activity increases dramatically, just like that. Thoughts become chaotic, and you suddenly feel out of breath. Then everything goes fucking down. You lose balance, so you have to steel yourself or reach some wall or something, or directly sink to your knees.

Uncontrollable yelling follows right after. Being raised as middle-class with a bit of expectations of climbing the social ladder, it's a given I never raise my voice. Ever. So you can start to guess how I feel about this particular part of the process. It doesn't matter where you are, what time is it, what are you wearing, or if you're wearing anything at all, you just HAVE to GET OUT, of your body, of your mind, of this reality. But surprise, you CAN'T GET OUT OF LIFE. You ARE going to DIE. So everything is fucking lost, and there is absolutely NO HOPE. The realization is crushing. Utterly crushing. So crushing even jumping out the nearest window seems ridiculously pointless. If you had the strength to stand up properly, that is.

This happens in a matter of three to five seconds, so there's no "breathing it out". There's no trick. No countermeasure, no prevention. Anxiety, derealization and nausea don't help either. Usually I'm able to gather my thoughts back after six seconds at worst. I read the usual thing is a minute, so what other people must feel like a terrifyingly intense anxiety attack for me it's like... imagine an old computer noisily freezing, it’s my best guess. It's actually physically painful, as if my brain really stops and resets, damaging nerves in the process. Typically hands, feet and joints. Migraines are also a classic.

And there you are, beaten in a back alley of your mind. Personally, after primal fear is gone, my pride takes the lasting wound. Seeing myself crumbled in the floor, helpless, taken by cowardice or whatever foreign sensation outside my usual iron fist control over myself; it just seems comically tragic. So my usual reaction is to literally laugh it off. Out loud, like a maniac. Everything about the situation is just so pathetic, and some part of me deeply enjoys it. I must hate myself with a passion. That reaction is also out of my usual behavioral spectrum, but by that time I don't care.

Then, after making me feel like I lost my mind completely, it vanishes. Like that. As if nothing happened at all. Perhaps that's the worst part, when after such a display everything is replaced by an ominous numbness. A constant, ominous numbness. My usual self.

 

Now comes the rationalization:

 

I read or saw somewhere that humans, being the only known species aware of their own existence and mortality, have developed some kind of mental "firewall", essential to avoid triggering an unending fight-or-flee response. This instinctual firewall has been reinforced throughout the ages with social norms, religion, philosophy and so on. This topic(s) truly fascinate me.

So what would happen if someone, by some quirk of fate or biology, and a bit of aid of circumstances, was born five minutes closer than your average citizen to an unending spiral of neurological horror? I'm just this close to be completely crippled by this disgusting animalistic panic. Currently I can hold it at bay with the best of my ability, but what will happen as I grow older and approaching the end? It's easy to shrug off a bad feeling when you're young, your skin terse, your movements brisk, your organs healthy.

No one else around me seems to have this problem, or they hide it quite efficiently. I prefer to think myself special or “cursed” rather than incompetent, it would make me overtly bitter and jealous of Humanity's ability at not giving a fuck. I was there before and being an infuriated piece of shit shares a big similarity with being a presumptuous piece of shit: they are both equally useless in getting me close to a solution. So I prefer the second one. I also have something like a natural talent for it.

 

Here comes the boast, triggered by a sardonic response to depressive line of thought (mood swing):

 

My existence is one of struggle, just to avoid falling in a pit of complete despair. That would be a most displeasing outcome, despair leads to erratic behaviour and therefore madness by civilised standards. So I keep myself in line with everyone else instead of just running away to live in a forest or secluded buddhist monastery. Or singing in the street naked. Only because I need a bit of collaboration of society if I ever expect to get anything done.

Speaking of which, being constantly smashed in the head with the futility of life has imprinted my character with increasing arbitrariness. Nothing seems about right by itself. This means I won't be able to buy any spiel about religion, traditions, social norms, patriotism or any "imposed" values anytime soon. I deeply regret the fact: they are great "purpose boosters". Life is whimsical, but I've come to like it that way. It also means I'll have to choose everything, instead of just letting myself "flow" in the river of life. And freedom of choice is not as liberating as one might expect.

Fortunately there are dilemmas that solve themselves. Killing everybody? Why, I'd never want to expose anyone to the same fear I suffer. Besides, living beings are interesting and I'd rather make them worship me, only because it'd be more challenging. Taking over a country and installing a reign of terror? Please. Overused meme. I'd rather win some elections, making yourself appear smarter, wittier and more qualified than somebody else surely must bring an almost sexual pleasure. So that kind of crazy is discarded.

It's funny though. I used to have strict ideas and morals. I just had an obvious answer for about everything. There was only one way of doing things closest to perfect - mine. Now I feel I just wanted people to acknowledge me, ideally as superior. Presumably like every bullied lad out there. Maybe I still want that, even if I find it childish or shameful. Maybe one of the many things holding me down is being overly zealous about third party opinions. Also bullied kid stuff I guess. Why? They, you, us, are nothing but fucking carbon-based conglomerates! Man up, me, for fuck's sake.

 

And now the emotional breakdown:

 

I just want a way out of this. I just want a purpose! I know I can't ask for the panic attacks to go away, so I'm only asking that much. Because, if someone could magically make them disappear, I'd had to devote my life to that person. You can't even start to imagine how serious I'm talking now. Just a purpose. Any will do. Any!

 

And now a sudden light-hearted off-topic nonsense makes its way through my mind to avoid me getting too caught up in my feelings:

 

Spoiler

Mentioning devoting myself to other person gives me the lewd chills...! I think that also has something to do with my tendency towards self-destruction, but this is definitely not the place to talk about it.

 

Then repeat.

 

And that’s my mind in a nutshell. On a normal-to-slightly bad day. I wrote everything in a single time, so basically I've been registering my mood swings as they were progressing. I only wanted to talk about panic attacks at first but... I guess I got carried away. Now it's 7:00 in the morning again, sigh. And today I have to go to vote. Something about some poorly-dressed but surely deadly commies taking over and unleashing chaos, or so TV says. Well, worst case scenario, I have nothing against goose step, victory parades and russian folk songs, so who am I to judge? Wait, I DO have to judge! Crikey! Also why is that the "bad" guys are always better dressed than the "good" guys? That's downright confusing and unfair if you ask me.

 

You surely don't give a damn about any of this stuff, but it was nice to let it out. I have to sweep now and then to avoid bursting.

[Captain Taru's Log: Out of the Fog]

Regarding social hangovers ... well, this could mean a number of things *puts on his amateur therapist hat*. You may be bipolar and there's a slight chance you may even benefit from medication (which I'm not a fan of), but you may as well be just very introverted. The society has invented a disgusting term for people who are like that: schizoid. 

Two "real" doctors allegedly said I had Schizotypal personality disorder, one in my childhood and the other last year. None told me directly and they never put me under treatment or gave an official diagnosis after many months with me. So to them I must look something like this:

.

(Source: Spanish Wikipedia. It made my mother cry.)

Mom's also alleged answer to the last one: "But he doesn't see aliens...!" and then Doc said it was not a "pure" case, but mixed with other things, such as Histrionic personality disorder. What they both did say in front of me (but not at the same time) was they "never saw a patient as complex and complicated as me in all their years". I must have so many disorders they correlate with each other forming a self sustained cobweb of byzantine complexity, so abnormal it actually shapes its own "normalcy".

(Picture taken during my last session)

 

Day 11 (Ongoing 12)

I've been writing this post bit by bit during these days, but my mood has changed several times so it's been terribly difficult to keep up. I'm going to stick with a noncommittal, neutral approach in order to forget the least possible:

Routine and activities:

- Drawing classes confirmed. Starting Monday.
- Started dance classes, initially as a favor to a friend (now also teacher), but hey, it's not that bad.
- The same friend has talked me into getting a driving license. Let's go for it then.
- Probably starting gym soon.
- Social events soon. I have a terrible feeling about this one.

Also theatre rehearsals have finished until January. I'll miss them greatly.

Hours playing/relapses: 4. Consecutive, in a single time, but I can't remember which day.

- Also yesterday I spent the night reading a VN and obviously today I spent the day sleeping. I can't properly explain in English. I'll use the terms positive and negative. I've been negative since Thursday. I expect to start being positive again on Saturday afternoon, but since I have a social event it will probably extend until Sunday evening, where it will connect with the anxiety of classes, but since it's the first one, the anticipation will kick forward the positive state, which will prolong most probably until Friday morning. I really have a grasp on how it works now, and I feel very relieved (and proud) on the fact. It took me years after all.

Important events abandoned: 1

I should start listing other things, such as "days without eating 3 times" or "days without a shower/going out", etc. Every single little thing seems an insurmountable problem. But I'm in negative mode now, so ignore the depressive tone. In fact, if I was positive I'd probably said "days I've had 3 meals", because language makes a difference.

There's a big emotional rant incoming, but first I had to get all this out of the way or I could never actually post anything, praise my organization skills.

Things I'm grateful for:

- This week, despite what I might say in the emotional rant. I have the feeling I made a step. Maybe that's why I'm so scared lately. Cam was right, new year doesn't start January 1, new year starts now!

- This friend of mine. I "pray" (or at least wish) for his happiness and success moving forward from the hellish tribulations of romance and heartbreak he's currently into.

- My understanding and open mindedness, my shield and my sword in this gruesome combat against myself. They rust, they falter, but they are everything I have, my only hope, and I love them. And, much more importantly, not just because I need them, but also because I could make a difference in this world with them, a difference in other people's lives. 

(Do I actually want world's wellbeing to get recognition or out of kindness...? Well, probably it's not that important)

- You.

 

[Captain Taru's Log: Out of the Fog]

On 10/12/2015 at 9:57 PM, Marchosias said:

You're saying you're depressed. Would you care to explain that further; how does your depression affect you? It's a bad idea to consider it as a part of your identity. It may be so right now, but it's not how you deal and live with it. It's important to understand that your illness (if in fact you have one) exists separately of you, and you can affect it in a number of ways.

It's hard to recognize where ends my condition and begins me, or vice versa. I have a tendency towards melancholy shared with my parents. That would be fairly safe to label as identity. 

But I also have other behaviours: unwanted periods of loneliness and isolation, sudden bursts of social anxiety that make me cancel plans and appointments in the last minute, feelings of sadness and grief for no explicable reason, extreme difficulty to focus and find pleasure in anything, even (and more worrisomely) in things I rationally know I enjoy, a constant grey neutral mood, or worse, mood swings between euphoria and despair triggered by human contact. That's what I call "social hangovers", the hangover being a negative state of mind that lasts in time and intensity proportionally to the previous positive state until I stabilize again in neutrality. And lastly, this terrible tendency towards abandoning my own wellbeing, a complete lack of self-preservation instinct. That's the depressive part I'd say.

Your title is quite eye-catching too by the way!

Day 5

I've spent all the day only in writing this. Maybe a mixture between keeping myself busy expanding limitlessly a single task, foreign writing inefficiency and "background anxiety". I went to everything I was supposed to go, but lacked a bit in the social department (didn't go to one event). That's an improvement. I also kept myself tidy, clean, acceptably nourished and applied for drawing classes, I'm still waiting an answer. 

There was nothing on TV today and friends have been suspiciously silent, so boredom is slowly killing me. I don't think I'll be able to sleep today, I'm just not tired enough. Given that Saturday is traditionally the social day, maybe I should force myself to go out? But where to go? It's ridiculous in fact, given all the things I could be doing. But... I can't. I don't feel strength, or the "push", to do anything. Uh. Here comes the downer, I wasn't expecting it. I'm positively infuriated now and I forgot everything I spent all this stupid day thinking, so better to stop, before starting to ramble about myself, English language and... God damn it. I'm feeling nauseous. Now would be the perfect time to start playing. But I won't. I'm fleeing the house to spend the night outdoors before that happens. 

Yes! Nothing like acting a teenager and endanger myself behaving recklessly instead of just doing the easy thing and... erm...

Spoiler

¡Por Dios, estoy hasta los cojones de esta mierda! Aquí todo el puto día sentado como un despojo, escribiendo tonterías en plan "¡Oh, pobre de mi, miradme, todo va mal...!" Gilipollas.

That felt good. Translation option in the forum when? I'm chastising myself in a very harsh way and I really shouldn't do that, but I can't help myself. I can't stand my situation, and most of all, I can't stand myself. I hate myself. Not in a attention-seeking way, I'd hate myself alone too (as I did in the past). Well, I said it! Now what? It's always the same, this mood swing, this damned mood swing! When I'm not feeling sad, I'm feeling angry. When I'm with people, I involuntarily mimic their state of mind, have a pleasant time, then go back home, everything becomes a nightmare, then sad again. 

I'm feeling like I'm losing my mind. Maybe I didn't have one to begin with. I just feel like a human failure. How can everyone else go outside and have at least a miserable life? Why I can't, or better, why I won't allow myself!? Yes, that's the stuff! I won't allow myself! Yes, stand up! Yes, motivate! Yes, change! But then, this stupid voice inside! Always trying to hinder, to destroy me! How can that voice not realise we're not two separate beings, and my ruin would be also theirs? I must be the stupidest person alive if I can't understand something so easy, what a waste of oh so great neurons. I'm so tired of this. What did this post contribute to myself or to anyone? Nothing, nothing at all. Fuck it. I'm only good to complain, complain, complain all the time! Instead, I'm sitting in the couch all day, slowly going insane. Or was I already? You can never be sure, another nice perk of being born so smart.

But at least I'm not playing. Yeah, my effort will save Humanity. 

/rantoff

Today I'm grateful for:

1. Not being relapsing

2. Having hands to write

3. Computer working fine

I'd also say food and shelter but I usually think having them for granted is making me too comfy in my hellish comfyness. If that's even a word.

[Captain Taru's Log: Out of the Fog]

I've struggled with depression and fear of death since I was really young. I can remember lying on my dead in the dark when I was made 7-8, trying to imagine what non-existence felt like. Silly, I know, but that heaviness has always sat in the background all my life. I'm not sure gaming was a search for meaning for me as much as an escape from meaningless. Good luck....

Not silly at all, I can relate. Heavily. It's good to know it's a fairly common issue. It pushes me towards trying to find a common solution for all of us.

[Bob's Journey]

Hi Bob, happy birthday (with a bit of delay)!

As a fellow historical games (hopefully) ex-player, I understand your feelings pretty well. My kind was Grand Strategy. The sense of achievement, the chill of being theoretically (mathematically) better than the greatest leaders, changing history or at least being part of it, the satisfaction of being collaterally exposed to all kind of historical facts and curiosities... And the worst of all, the endless loop of different approaches, possibilities and strategies that keeps you hooked. A real drug. Surely you know about it.

I'm not in the best position of giving useful advice, but know I'm specially with you in this one. By the way, I wouldn't recommend abrahamic religions, most interpretations usually have plenty of that "passive" component, unless you want to completely turn the tables and begin some kind of nomadic life (which in my young and naive mind seem like a very appealing choice tbh)

Also it's funny how you're overweight and I'm the opposite (what's the word, underweight?) while having both the same problem. Maybe we should reach some kind of agreement or friendly competition? I could really use those 23lbs you mentioned. 

Keep fighting, good sir! Bewaaaare the big soda bloooob!