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ChewyChickenBones

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Everything posted by ChewyChickenBones

  1. Welcome to the forum! Congrats on your child and your courage to share your story with us.
  2. Day 37 Went back to college to get info on how to get started up again. Going to college was always an immense trigger for my anxiety. It would always make me feel overwhelmed due to the large amount of people that I do not know. Not jumping the gun again and taking a ton of classes at once. Just like I'm handling this one day at a time; these college tasks will be handled one thing at a time. Going to take classes take will help me improve my goal. Really psyched up for it! Grateful to exist, for strength, will, motivation, faith, happiness, think, act, hear, see, listen, patience, and dedication.
  3. Hey Zala, keep it up! Some days can be incredibly hard, but know that you can always come here for support. Persist, dominate, and take it one day at a time. You can do it!
  4. Day 35-36 Yesterday was alright. Today however... wow. Started off the day by pushing myself to meet members of the community. Had really good dialogue on the resources this city has and will need due to the incoming expansion. Was really nervous, specially since I addressed my concerns but it went well. The rest of the day though.. I had the chance to meet my two favorite YouTubers! Drove a bit of a distance and dealt with parking then walking but it was sooo worth it! Had polar experiences meeting people today.. one that made me feel anxious, nervous, and upset. The other one was exciting, motivating, and enjoyable. As I push myself to be out there more and dealing with all these feelings as they arise, I am/will keep getting better at dealing with them. Today was just incredible. Have not done this much in... maybe never done it before. Proud of myself, ready for the next day. Grateful for my strength, will, motivation, faith, happiness, think, act, hear, see, listen, patience, and dedication.
  5. Day 34 Pissed off. Not sure this relationship is needed right now... fuck it. Journal is here for a reason, I'll type away. Feeling tied up because I cannot do what I want. It pisses me the fuck off. Having someone to come home to is an amazing feeling, but that alone cannot sustain a relationship. Sick and tired of being blamed... yes I made mistakes, and may make some more, but from failures come success. Fear.. the fear of what might happen this ends. Well.. goes back to what I said before.. got to convert that fear into power. The power to make a change! Hope you all had a wonderful Halloween. Grateful for my dinner, my strength, existence, think, act, listen, hear, see, faith, patience and dedication.
  6. Day 33 Loving the person that is developing from this change. Learned one amazing thing. All this paralyzing fear I experienced... it's all about converting that fear into power. Taking action when that fear kicks in. Fear my environment? Use that fear to make that change in my life. Fear of losing my in game progress? Use that fear to do a worthwhile change in real life. No more power to fear and doubt, and instead pump that power into faith. Patience, persistence, and faith. Grateful to exist, think, act, listen, talk, hear, see, persistence, faith, and patience.
  7. Thanks much ‌@‌WorkInProgress Day 31-32 I'm falling asleep but I wanted to stop by. I am grateful to exist, think, act, react, breathe, walk, listen, talk, see, and my will.
  8. DAY 30!!! Grateful to have made it to 30 days! To exist, breathe, walk, talk, listen, see, hear, reading, persistence, and dedication.
  9. Thanks ‌@‌Hitaru Day 26-29 This past week I have been feeling a real itch to game. The first two weeks of the detox were a breeze, it really felt like it was a long needed break/vacation from gaming. Now that I have been stepping it up and challenging myself even more, the crave to fall back into gaming is here. With all the events that have gone in my life, it's just far easier and quicker to have quick match and enjoy the moment once again. To slay and be king, to be feared on the online world once again. Going from a big fish in a small pond in video games to a human making his way in real life is one hell of a change. Seriously feel lost on what the fuck to do some days. I'm going to read Respawn again and update my worksheets to have help me focus on my goal - defeat this wall of negativity. It's a monstrous challenge composed of fear, doubt, worry, anxiety, depression, anger, cognitive distortions, environment, self doubt, self hate, and bad choices. I'm going to conquer them all, one day at a time. Enough with living with all that negativity and introducing faith and vision. The determination to push through and achieve that vision. I am grateful to exist, the forums, breathe, listen, see, talk, walk, meditation, yoga and my courage to have faith.
  10. Thanks ‌@‌WorkInProgress Day 25 Been out all day, staying away from the house looking for alternative things to do. Glad that CVS had a planner and watch in the styles I needed them. One day at a time. If there is ONE FUCKING thing I miss about games is that is was quick and easy to make a new "life." Just pop up a new game/new game/savepoint/etc. A lot of progress going on in real life, it just feels reaaaally slow. ONE DAY AT A TIME. I am grateful to exist, for this day, to live, breathe, walk, see, hear, listen, ambition, purpose, mantra, and my courage to take on a challenge I always feared.
  11. Day 24 Women have always been very attractive to me. Something magical is happening. Before I would freeze up and/or stare... it would be really hard for me to even say hi. That is changing. Now I just smile at them and getting that smile back feels so damn good. Getting better at having conversations and making them laugh. Learning a lot.. really fun to be honest. I still get nervous.. but getting better one day at a time. I am grateful for my existence, my mantra, my girl, my mind, my persistence, to see, listen, walk, hear, and being able to talk to be with you guys another day. See you all tomorrow.
  12. Day 23 Had a really good day. Hate the that I am sick, but still had a great day. Went to the library scored some Halo novels for a buck, checked out an animal shelter with my girl. Bought some delicious pizza from a local chain, relaxed, had a chill day. Getting ready to sleep soon, will be up really early. Going to wash, nap, head to library, xi gong practice, then head to work. Not quite sure what I'll do at night yet. Would like to be out but being sick just makes me want to stay home and rest. I am grateful for my existence, my mantra, to breathe, see, talk, listen, walk, damn good pizza, the support and progress that is achieved each day. Regarding my mantra, I highly recommend it to anyone who struggles with self-conscious/self-image. In my experience, I would ALWAYS refer and/or be negative about myself. Never did say anything heartfelt, or remotely good about myself. Doing this mantra. " Chewy, I love you", to care about myself and love the person I am is doing wonders. PS. I don't call myself Chewy, I use my real name. XP
  13. Day 19 - 22 Wow. THIS WEEK. W.T.F. I had some psycho show up on my driveway and shoot five times. Grateful that everyone is alive and no injuries. My neighbor's car got fucked up, but I'm glad she is alive. Ongoing investigation, it was late at night. Little info available. I believe it's the ghetto neighbor in the back trying to intimidate. Fucking piece of shit psychopath. Taking safe and active steps to protect my family. H. Pylori still a plague on my stomach, waiting for my appointment. Possible double whammy as I am showing symptoms of gallbladder disease. I am grateful to BE ALIVE! Neighbors are alive, to keep going even with crazy shit like this shooting, my focus, my persistence, determination, breathe, walk, listen, see, and support. Was feeling a little down earlier today. A lot of pent up emotions looking for a way to release. Part of me wants to go on a fucking manhunt, in search of revenge and rain pain on this fucking piece of shit! The other part just felt sad that some fucking psychopath would endanger our life. The bullets were two feet away from my car, and six feet away from my home. Ended up calling a support hotline, helped me out a lot. Being on this detox makes me wonder. Experiences like the shooting... was I so hooked on games that I overlooked at the condition of my life. I grew up, lived, and still live in the hood. I never believed it because it never hit this close to home. I lived in a digital world. I would respawn and live any life. New accounts, new games, new person each time. It was so easy to do. Life however, has no respawn. It also takes much more work and preparation to choose a new path in life. I am long overdue to leave this fucking ghetto shit. Not the life my family deserves. I miss games. As I continue my detox and get to see just how much life requires for positive change.. I realize that my relationship with video games will never be the same. Started a new mantra this earlier this week and it has done wonders for me. "Chewy, I love you." My yoga instructor mentioned during class that saying your name before your mantra creates a stronger bond in your thoughts. He is writing a paper on a scientific study regarding this. Feeling exponentially better about myself.
  14. Day 17 Started off the day with yoga, busy day at work, ate dinner, was pretty tired. Fell asleep really early. Day 18 My stomach has been bothering for some time now. Gotten many missed diagnosis from doctors and only one accurate one. It's H. Pylori. A pesky bacteria. Been feeling a little sluggish, and tired for a while. My upset stomach is a big factor. Dedicating this week getting resources and start eliminating this MOTHERFUCKING BUG. I am grateful for: my existence, support, to see, breathe, listen, talk, walk, warm shower, my persistence, and dedication to keep pushing through all these challenges.
  15. Day 16 Taking action. Facing challenges. Eradicating negativity from my soul. Standing through it even when my knees want to give in. Ready for another great day. I am grateful for: My existence, friends, support, to see, breathe, listen, talk, walk, be able to sleep a little more, and the strength to face challenges.
  16. Day 15 Cognitive distortions. I hate them. Detest them, really. I've been working on coping skills, and now that I don't have gaming to escape into my digital world, I face the situation in real life. DAILY. It's hard. To fight against my own negative thoughts. To change my mindset into the confident, positive, strong man that I will become. Have to stand strong and keep getting stronger. Facing these new challenges are far greater and tougher than any game I have ever played. The experience I gain.. it's truly something that I can apply to real life to keep improving. I am grateful for: My existence, friends, support, to see, breathe, listen, talk, walk, my apartment, and the strength to face challenges.
  17. The first seasons are . I did rewatch them out of nostalgia a few months ago. I really enjoyed it. Congratulation on the two weeks man. Thats a great first step! Thanks WorkInProgress! Day 14 Began the day by practicing qigong. It's a great way to begin the day with a 10 minute activity. There's a video on YouTube called 18 Chi Gong Shibashi. Left the house early with a plan mind, but it did not fall through. Was nearby a staple of my city, went to check it out and then went to a local museum. Got to check out some hidden gems, it was a good experience. Looking forward to a great day at work. I ALMOST cracked. I LOVE OVERWATCH HALLOWEEN events! Then I remembered one thing. It's pointless. It'll serve me of no use in the future. Going for 90 days!
  18. Day 13 Getting better and this get up and do something routine. Went to check out some planners at Target. Didn't like any of them, I'll check some out online. Set up a visit with a doctor. Finally! Getting ready for another work day, looking forward to it. Been watching DragonBall as my resting/relaxing activity. It's a lot better than I remembered. I am grateful for my family, friends, a job, my apartment, to breathe, listen, see, talk, and my will to use my time positively and productively.
  19. Day 12 Getting some work done while I have Cam's videos on the background. Mornings are the time were I keep myself the busiest since it's when I have the most time alone. Worked on my car's maintenance, now I am doing my research to find a good PCP. I am grateful for to be alive, my family, friends, to breathe, listen, see, talk, and my will to keep moving forward.
  20. Day 11 Finally got a haircut. Looking much younger. Getting used to the get up and get out routine. Will get a calendar tonight to be more proactive. I am grateful to live, breathe, see, listen, talk, and to finally have my medical insurance back!
  21. Day 10 Still feel as if anything negative or loud is related to me. It makes me very nervous, anxious and/or angry. Mornings are rough somedays because of my loudmouth neighbor. A lot of negative energy comes off from that. Only positive is that if pushes me to get outta the house. Went to qigong practice. A very calm, serene ambience to ground myself. I am grateful to live, walk, breathe, see, listen, eat and qigong.
  22. Day 9 I have been out a lot more but even it's for a quick post, I will keep being consistent on writing my journal daily. Being social is still something very new to me. Experienced both positive and negative results. Yesterday I was able to be kind to those who have been great with me and my girl. They really appreciated that we bought them some food. Still freeze up a little bit talking to others, specially when there are other people around. I keep thinking people will eavesdrop, criticize, and/or reject me. Today has I have been out doing some chores and it's been tough dealing with some shit attitudes. Makes me feel a lot of anger. I feel the rage burning in me. It's something I used to numb by gaming. Letting all these emotions be and learning from the experiences is not easy. I'm going to relax right not and look forward for the rest of the day. I am grateful to be alive, walk, breathe, see, and listen.
  23. Day 8 I dreamed I was playing Assassins Creed 4 black flag. I was killing everything around me and having a real good time. Man those were killer combos! Taking my girls parents out to eat today. Coming back later to finish cleaning the house. I'm grateful for: For being alive, able to walk, breathe, see, and listen. I'm still surrounded by a lot of game related things. I just remember one thing. Time is finite. These past few days I've done a lot of new experiences.
  24. Day 7 Keeping outta the house as much as I can. Picking up more work shifts. Feeling a lot better being at work. Tired right now but I'll get some energy soon.