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Fern

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Everything posted by Fern

  1. Day #4 Had a positive (but a bit tiring) day. Got rid of all the consoles and games in the house. Also confirmed the process of my only non-fully-deleted online game account being fully deleted when the ticket response came back today. Decided to walk home from the game store after selling my consoles and games there, it turned out to be a way longer walk than I thought, but today was an exercise day for me anyways so I just got it done that way. Feeling a bit drained from the long walk and being in a game store while the clerk figured out an estimate and we haggled, etc, but also accomplished and relieved that it's all done. Also had a good surprise towards the end of today as my new workout pants that I needed for my martial arts class got here in the mail today. A bit bittersweet since now that they're for sure here on time I don't have any excuse not to go on Friday, but that's probably a good thing since I really need to start facing my social anxiety. Overall I'm just realizing how much effort it is for me to get used to including all these healthy normal things in my life and not just sit in front of a computer all day, but I know that even though right now feels rough the road ahead is actually much smoother without gaming in the long run. It's just an adjustment period. I'm a bit lucky/unlucky in that my life has had a lot of upheaval, so I'm used to changes and know I'll adapt quickly. I'm already enjoying the changes, just need my brainpower and body to catch up.
  2. Thanks everyone for the support @Mettermrck It's an online group mostly, but I think some in-person meetings are popping up. I like it so far and think it'll be a good part of my recovery journey. Day #3 I didn't get a chance to post yesterday since I was busy, but made it through another day. Thinking through to where gaming actually takes me instead of just getting caught on that enticing glittery bit at the start seems to be really effective for me with fighting urges. It probably helps that I've utterly f***ed my life before via gaming, so for me the end of that path is pretty scary looking and unappealing. All in all yesterday was good, but last night was rough. I was really tired and could have used some good quality sleep but the new neighbors were slamming around from 11pm-2am so I got woken up repeatedly. In the past I might have gamed or just had a 'blah' day from first thing in the morning when in a tired/weak-willpowered state, but instead this time I woke up and actively realized that I am tired and because of that I need to stay on top of myself today to make sure I'm sticking to healthy things and good habits. So far I've been listening to and adding songs to my 'Strong' playlist that I listen to every morning to get me in a good mindset for the day, made a healthy breakfast instead of just cereal, and am now posting this to make sure my brain is on the track I want it to be for the day.
  3. Hey Mithras, great job staying strong! Don't worry about being negative/positive/any which way, journals should be for expressing what you feel and working through it We're all works in progress here. I'm in the process of learning Japanese as well, in case you haven't heard of it before there's a really cool site called Renshuu.org that I use, it might be fun for you alongside Duolingo.
  4. Hey everyone, I posted my first journal yesterday but realized this morning I hadn't made an introduction yet. So here it is - I'm 25, a self-employed freelancer living in Canada. I'm from the US but in the process of getting my permanent residency up here, yay! I won't go into the horrible details of my life choices, but essentially I gave about the last 6 years of my life to gaming. I'm talking really bad, like evictions, not working, relationships falling apart, just... complete loss of touch with life in general. The apex of that was about three years ago, when I actually started my attempts to stop gaming after moving to Canada. Since then I've been a bit more stable, been living in one place for the last three years and keeping up with work for the most part (except for when I fall into a gaming period). I keep slipping back into gaming though, having blips where I slip up and let myself go back to it for varying periods. I've lived in this one place for three years and hardly even know anyone because my focus on gaming has caused me to be extremely shy and nervous about in person interaction. And really, if I take a step back and look at it, I haven't put my passion into anything like I did with gaming, I've just been half-doing my way through life without ever doing anything I really would love to do or accomplish. But, for the positive, I know change is possible. I come from a really crappy background and survived that, so I know I'm strong. I quit smoking and biting my nails, so I know that positive change is possible. My mistake in the past has been 'quitting' gaming while not changing my life at all, always leaving room for it. Not this time, this time I'm doing this and also participating in local community recovery meditation groups, to both keep me accountable and start me on the path to being better at socializing. I'm also filling my time with a local writing course and Martial Arts so I'm not just sitting at home open to 'appealing' distractions so much. No more room for gaming, I'm filling up that hole with all the things I've always actually wanted to do and be. I don't want to give anything more of me to gaming, I've already given it way too much. Happy to be here and looking forward to being part of this great community. Here's to starting the journey!
  5. Day #1 Today was hard, but the important part is that it's the end of the day and tomorrow is still going to be Day #2. No slips, made it through the urges. That process involved starting with the Respawn vids, going to my first CGAA meeting, and going outside to sit under a tree and just try to exist through it twice, but I made it. I'm actively working on filling in the gap this will leave so I don't just slip back into the empty space and start gaming again like I have in the past. It's a bit scary though, realizing that I essentially gave the last 6~ years of my life to gaming, that I'm so unsure of who I am and what I even like or want to do, that just the concept of going out and interacting with people is a lot for me. I'm pushing through that and trying things, acting on the loose ideas and concepts I have of what I enjoy to begin figuring out who I want to be. I'm finishing today's journal with thankfulness that I made it through, and with a positive thought that if I made it through the day with the help of these communities and new things in my life, that I can make it through tomorrow.